You Need a Coach B*tch

I Am Not For Everyone

January 26, 2023 Chris Hale Episode 39
You Need a Coach B*tch
I Am Not For Everyone
Show Notes Transcript

It can be useful to understand that not everyone is going to resonate with your work, but when we take that idea and weaponize it, we run the risk of missing out on growth opportunities. Today I am talking about how defensiveness can sneak into our experience in a place where we were once feeling liberated from others' opinions of us.    

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Welcome to " You need a coach bitch with Chris Hale. I'm your host Chris Hale. I'm a certified life coach that helps queer creatives. Take their passion, turn it into a purpose and get paid. If you are looking to make an impact on the world with your work by dismantling internalized, oppressive thought systems by using coaching spirituality and a lot of cursing, you are in the right place.

So let's get to work.

 Hey babes. How's it going? I'm doing so good. I got to see my best friend this week. She lives in Ohio, boo. But she was visiting New York and we hung out in the city. I got to like walk around and we went to a bar we used to go to all the time, which was so fun. And then she. Came over today to do laundry and we got to hang out a little more with, and I got to see her husband and her baby.

Um, so I'm doing pretty good. It's amazing how seeing your people, even for like a short amount of time, can just entirely lift your mood because like we need people being around them, releases those like feel good hormones. , even if you are like me and you're like a completely reclusive introvert, like it's still , right?

We're social beings. So as much as like I enjoy solitary time, like I can't deny the actual like physical hormonal shifts that come from like being with people I love. So go be around your people if you can and if you can. Get some new people. We need people. All right, so onto today's topic, um, we all know that words matter.

And today I want to talk about like a phrase or like an ideology that I think can be both useful and also not so useful, and. . The reason why this is, is because while words are our best tool at communicating, words often fail us because we are having this physical, emotional, like some would say spiritual I would experience as like souls in a body and how we feel is way more important than the thoughts we think and the words we speak, but sometimes, , like all we can do to express that is use words, but they can fail us.

So what happened was, I was scrolling the other day and I heard or saw, I can't remember which one I was. It, was it a real, was it a post? Who the fuck knows? But it was a phrase that I've actually used myself. Um, but in this context, it didn't resonate with me and it was because of the way it was sort of being employed.

So the sentence or phrase is, I'm not for everyone. I truly believe that when we stop trying to appeal to appease, cater, to satisfy, et cetera, like to all the people, we give ourselves the opportunity to be our most true selves, and that is when we are able to have the biggest impact on the. This is why the idea that if you are speaking to everyone, you are speaking to no one or like the, you can't please all of the people all the time, but you can please some of the people some of the time.

That's why those phrases, those words are so powerful, but when I saw this post or whatever it was, I immediately like sensed defensiveness behind it. And the defensiveness I sensed.  that it was being used to defend against negative emotion on the part of that person. They were not being like truly liberated by this saying or this phrase.

They were actually being like more hooked into other's thoughts about them, because when we are trying to combat negative emotion, we are actually usually more affected by it. So, We're really coming back to like the why. Um, using these words is an action, and we want to take a look at the reason behind the action of using those words, and you might wonder why we are looking at that.

And I will tell you because when we are being defensive, we are not open to our feelings. And when we don't allow our feelings, we cannot grow from an experience. . Usually when we're being defensive, it's because of the part of us that actually agrees with that thing that's being said about us, right?

There's like a little part of you that co-signs what the other person says, and that's what we don't like. So an example that is pretty common would be that, right? You wanna offer something, but there will be people that are not interested in it or that will like, think it's stupid or useless or whatever.

When you are defensive, it's because part of you also thinks that right? Part of you is also like, this isn't valuable. This is stupid. So the person you're really trying to protect is yourself. And what you're trying to protect yourself from is your own shitty thoughts that make you feel bad. Think about it.

If someone was looking at you and told you your hair was blue and it wasn't, you wouldn't even care. You would just be like, no, it's. Cool. Thanks, . But if you were worried that your hair might be blue, right, so like maybe you got it colored and um, it like had a blue sheen to it or something, and that's not what you wanted, then you'd be way more invested in trying to convince them that they're wrong.

because you're afraid they might be. Right? Right. So you're defending against something because you are afraid that it might be true. We see it all the time. People are very adamantly stating their case, right? Like you've all been in that situation where someone is like really passionate about something and it kind of makes you wonder like, who are they trying to convince?

And it's obviously themselves because here's the thing, the truth actually needs no. So weaponizing, this phrase really just reinforces a negative loop in your brain. Instead of actually dismantling your dependence on other people's opinions, it's actually strengthens it. Because you're way more invested at that point in how they think about you or what they think about you because of what you are making it mean about you, or because you are afraid that they're validating what you already think about yourself.

And it's like, where did those thoughts even come from? Like obviously the patriarchy, they all like usually those shitty things that you don't like about. Were messages that were handed to you that actually aren't yours, but in this situation, it doesn't even really matter where they come from. It just matters that like the dynamic that you've created is one that.

you are strengthening that relationship with dependence on other people, either like liking or validating or co-signing you. And one of the reasons I'm even talking about this is because I believe we need to be consistently evaluating our thoughts so that we don't end up creating counterproductive defaults.

There is no like set it and forget it, like sort of healing process here where we're like divesting from all of this BS. Heteronormative, patriarchal, cis white, white supremacist, delusion. Like there's no, we can't just be like, oh yeah, let's, like I've, I've picked a new thought and that one's gonna always serve me, right?

We don't need to be hyper-vigilant about it, but we don't wanna go on autopilot because as we talked about last week, Um, ways of thinking and being need to adapt as we evolve and as we take things to the next level. And if we let things or beliefs stay around like way past their expiry date, they actually will start to have a negative impact on us, where before they had a positive impact on us.

So,  here. Like in this case, the belief that you are not for everyone, right? Like that might feel really good for you at first. Like when I first heard that and first thought it was like super, it felt really like liberating and like amazing and sort of magical and like for you, right? Like if you're building a business like, like maybe it, like you're trying to pick a niche or like a specific focus for your work and maybe it helps you like get out of that drama.

right. To kind of be like, you know what, I'm just gonna pick the thing that like feels good or resonates, or that I'm interested in and like, it's not gonna be for everyone and that's okay. Um, or it might help you to stop, like worrying about leaving money on the table. That can be really common early, like early in a business.

Like if someone. . You know, it's like, well, if I, if I say I only work with these people, then like, what if these other people wanna work with me? Like, do I have to turn them away or will I be pushing them away? Will I be offending them? And that's really just a scarcity mindset. Like, it's like you're believing that there a aren't enough people.

in your niche or focus to actually like help you get to your goals or you don't trust that like regardless of your niche, the people who are meant to work with you will find you. So I've talked about this before. I technically have a niche, but like I will work with people who resonate with my work, who come to me and say, Hey, I really wanna work with you.

And if I feel like we're a good fit, we're a good fit. Like it doesn't matter if they don't fit all of the criteria of my niche. I have a very abundant mindset around working with people. . But anyway, all of this is to say that like it can be really useful to kind of get you past a roadblock really quickly, but at some point, if it becomes a defense mechanism, it might actually have you being unwilling to look at when maybe your marketing is not landing with your ideal people, right?

So like when they aren't buying.  and you feel rejected, right? Because you're like, they don't want this. What can happen is instead of you getting curious about what you might need to adjust, you put it on them, right? Well, I'm not for them. Right? And so now the focus is on them and you are rejecting them instead of getting curious about.

What might need to shift in your message, right? You don't learn how to speak more effectively to your people. So this, for me, kind of like indirectly connects to something that Abraham talks about, and that's like, you know, if you're looking at something and you feel negative emotion when you're focusing on that thing, look to something else that actually creates positive emotion.

And that's kind of like with, in this case, where it's the thinking. Right that needs the shifts. So if the thinking that once felt good is now making you feel bad, you need to find something else to think, right? That's kind of how I'm making that connection. So it's not so much about like the circumstance of the things that you're seeing, um, it's more about like the circumstance of the thoughts that are coming up for you and maybe this default thought now feels bad, where once it felt good.

So another tricky aspect of this is how your brain will kind of make you think that. , you are not trying to protect yourself, right? So in the, in this case where you're trying to avoid negative emotion, right? Your brain is gonna convince you that like it's not about that, right? It's about something else.

So your brain is gonna be thinking that it needs to like set that other person straight about you. Obviously you cannot let them go on thinking bad things about you, right? That's what your brain's gonna be telling you. People are gonna think whatever they want. And when you're defending yourself, you may be trying to control the way people think about you.

And it seems like it's not about you, but it's about you because of what you are making it mean about you that they think badly about you. And now we are back to you trying to eliminate your own negative thoughts about. Right, and it's being disguised as caring what other people think. And we are sort of taught that we should care about what other people think, right?

That we should be polite and nice, and that other people's opinions matter. So that seems like. An okay thing to do when in fact, really it's just another way that your brain is hijacking you. Elizabeth Gilbert once said something in an interview with Oprah that I loved so much, um, and I don't know if this is the exact word she said, but it was essentially other people's opinions of me are none of my business.

and now this is kind of another flavor of I'm not for everyone. Like you could say that they're related or adjacent, but notice how it actually does bring the focus back to me. Right? Or you right. If this, if you're saying it, I am not for them, is about their preference. Puts the focus on being for them or not being for them, right?

So now I'm very much more like concerned with them. Whereas handing them back their opinions and really, and realizing that they have nothing to do with you one way or the other, brings your focus back to you and what you can control and what is important to you. And it's a very nuanced perspective. So like you may not hear the difference immediately, so if you don't, it's okay.

Like let your brain kind of like swish it around a little bit. It's the power of language.  where we place emphasis in the statement right, is going to kind of determine like the subject of it. So I am not for them is making them like the most important part versus their opinions of me are not, are not for me, makes me the highlight or most important part of that phrase.

the first one feels like they're rejecting me. So like I'm gonna reject them. And the latter is like, I have no idea what's going on for them, nor is it any of my concerns. So let me like shift my focus to things that are my concern. Um, it has, in my opinion, a, a more neutral feeling to it. This is how it resonates for me.

So play around with that on your own and see like how each one of them feel. And maybe you need to create your own. Like this is where it's like, , you know, as a coach, because I'm not coaching you specifically, like we're not in a session together, um, I'm offering the things that work for me and what resonates for me and what I know resonates, like positively in my body versus negatively in my body.

But if this was a session, then I would be asking you. What feels right for you? I would ask, I would be sourcing you for the thoughts that feel good in your body. So you might need to like take this concept and do a little work with it. And you might need to do a little check-in too, right? And just kind of see where you are in your journey around.

Like people pleasing and codependency and seeking outside validation because you might be at the first step where it feels really refreshing to understand that not everyone is going to be interested in you and that you are not for every. And maybe you need to stay there for a while, and maybe this is just a little bit of a, an insight into where it could possibly go in the future so that you can be on the lookout for it.

Not so that you can be like scared of it, but just so that you know, like maybe that's coming where you might need to adjust these thought for you. And maybe that's where you are. Maybe you're in the space. You're noticing, and this can be any thought, like I'm just using this as an example, but this is any thought process, any ideology, any belief that you have potentially has a shelf life.

So that's what I was saying earlier about like being, like checking in with ourselves consistently about whether or not the thoughts that we're thinking are still working for. Because again, we do tend to start using the work against ourselves when really it's just that we need to let go of that idea or we need to like adapt it to where we're at in our process to actually make it useful for where we are right now.

So that's what I got for you this week, my friends. I hope that you have an amazing weekend and I will talk to you next week.


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