Reconsidering Baseline

Following a realization of what it means for me to be a person living with depression, I came to the conclusion that I needed to rethink what I consider the minimum I want to be responsible for daily.  In this episode, I talk about what came up for me, and I guide you with some questions to ask yourself to help you take better care of yourself while you go after achieving your goals. 

TW: Depression, Suicide 

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Transcript

Welcome to " You need a coach bitch with Chris Hale. I'm your host Chris Hale. I'm a certified life coach that helps queer creatives. Take their passion, turn it into a purpose and get paid. If you are looking to make an impact on the world with your work by dismantling internalized, oppressive thought systems by using coaching spirituality and a lot of cursing, you are in the right place.

So let's get to work.

 Hi friends. So first off, I wanna give a little trigger warning for today's episode because I'm gonna be talking about depression and suicidal ideation.  just a little bit. Um, nothing in depth, I promise, but I am mentioning those things and so if that is a difficult topic for you, I just wanted to let you know ahead of time so that you can either prepare yourself for it or stop listening, right?

Cuz that might be the kindest thing that you can do for yourself if those topics being brought up is going to be triggering for. And that being said, I hope that you are all having a beautiful day. I'm actually having a pretty good day. It got cold again, which I'm not mad about. I mean, it's actually February and we've gotten so used to this warmer weather, which should not be happening.

So it's actually nice to invite. The cold back in a little bit. Um, it's the weekend. I don't usually record on the weekend, but things are very chill for me right now. So, and I was inspired and I wanted to just record this right away while I. . Yeah. While it's still fresh. So today's topic dovetails off a realization I had about myself.

Um, so we're gonna be talking about like kind of rethinking and reconsidering minimum baseline and what that means. But first I wanted to share like how I actually got there. So I've spoken about depression before, but not really at length. Um, I've been medicated for it off and on for the past six years, and I recently went back on medication after being on nothing for a year, and that was actually a great experiment to sort of check in with myself and see where I was at after all the therapy and the coaching.

And it was a decision. My therapist and I came to together and I just started back up on it and I didn't really think too much about it until yesterday. , um, for whatever reason, as usually happens when I'm just letting my mind wander as I do puzzles and also listening to podcasts, I was probably listening to, we Can Do Hard Things with Glennon, Abby and Amanda.

And anyway, I had this realization that. , I'm a person living with depression. , it's probably not going to be cured. And now I'm talking about this really calmly, but it was actually really emotional in the moment. And I know I can't know for sure, but there doesn't seem to be much in the way of advancements for making this go away entirely.

I mean, I know that they're like doing lots of things with like hallucinogenics and like maybe. Prove to like be a cure, but honestly, I'm not an early adopter of things. Um, I need time to wrap my head around it and I, I'm just not going down that road personally for me anytime soon. So if all things remain the same, it's safe to say that I'm going to be living with and managing depression for the rest of my life, especially considering I've been living with it and managing it since.

13 and it's still here, right? There's I'm, I do lots of work. I do therapy, I do medication, and it's still here. It's still a part of me and I'm not really sure why, but this actually is like changing the way that I think and feel about it. I've spoken before about going all in on our limitations, and I think this is just like the next layer.

This is like a deeper level of that for me. This also got me thinking back to like access, right? And the way the world is set. To essentially disable people who have limitations.  that while things like anxiety have become mainstream, and I'll say anxiety and depression are often talked about simultaneously, I don't think people really understand just how debilitating depression can be and the fact that it is something.

That it's not just regular sadness that like people experience, um, it's this like consistent, like for me anyway, it's this consistent sort of low-grade hum of depression that is accompanied by like major depressive episodes every now and then. And I think one of the reasons why it's not as understood as I think it's because of some of the realities.

Of depression that honestly make people uncomfortable. They get a little spooked. Um, when they hear people say things like, I just wish I wasn't here. And I'm gonna be honest for a good reason. It can be super scary to think about what you should do if someone exhibits suicidal ideation. And I talked about that before in terms of.

you know, we're not all equipped to be the person that someone reaches out to, and if you want to be the person that someone reaches out to that there's like education and training that you can do. It's not super in depth, right? You don't have to like become a therapist or a coach or someone like that, but there are like suicide prevention classes that you can do, that you can sort of arm yourself with more tools.

But I also want to encourage you to not be so spooked because words aren't always what we think they are, and I wanna shed light on this in hopes that it destigmatizes things a bit and allows for more open discussion. So I. Had a consult with a therapist that I was thinking of working with that it didn't actually pan out, but in this pre-interview we were going through my history and why I was reaching out and I was specifically reaching out to her for like some EMDR work.

I wanted to work on trauma, et cetera. And I expressed, you know, my struggle. With suicidal thoughts. And I'd also expressed that like I never really wanted to take my life though. Um, and so it was weird. It was like I had these thoughts, but like, it wasn't like I wanted to actually do anything about it.

And she said, and I will never forget, she said, oh, I call that extreme coping. And I was like, wait, what? This was a fucking light bulb moment for me. Like, wow, these are the words. I didn't have that perfectly describe what I go through. I don't actually not wanna be here, but for me, my main trauma response is dissociation.

It's a freeze or a fawn state where like I just shut down. So the desire to disconnect. To make things stop like that is what's going on, and really just, I wanna get away from myself and I can shut down and cut myself off from the rest of the world, but it's actually very difficult to completely leave yourself.

I do feel very out of body and not connected to myself when I'm dissociated, but it's like I can't actually escape myself, right? My brain still is working. The thoughts are still coming, the ruminating is still happening, which I will say again, is less because I medicated, but it doesn't stop it entirely.

It just changes my awareness of it and my ability, or the way that I interact with it. But also, this is often why I nap. So, I'm, I take depression naps, right? And this is actually funny. I, I thought I'd stopped doing that. Um, and I just realized that that wasn't the case. It was just through all of the work I'd done, I had raised my overall wellbeing.

So much that I didn't notice that it's what I was still doing, cuz it felt differently. I was just like, yeah, I get tired in the middle of the day. And maybe that's true. Maybe sometimes it is about rest. But oftentimes it's really just that like I actually need to power down because I need to make like my mind stop.

And one of the only ways to do that is to fall asleep. I literally have to just like sh like power shut down. Speaking to her, right? Having this language, this really helped. Stop being afraid of myself and really be more of a witness to what was going on. I could start to allow the darker thoughts to come up and examine them.

Now, I will say I was in a very healthy place when I was doing this, where I really, I wasn't triggered. I wasn't in a depressive episode. So keep that in mind. Um, I had the space in my brain to not get bogged down with interacting with these thoughts in a different, And what that allowed me to do was to be ready when I noticed the depression symptoms coming back and not to panic.

And at first I thought it was just burnout, right? I did a whole episode on burnout, and it wasn't just burnout, but burnout was a part of it. Um, so after I'd worked through the burnout and I was rested, I noticed that it was really, really hard for me to be able to hold myself at the same stable place that I was on my own.

Like I couldn't, I couldn't keep myself there. Um, it was just too much of a struggle. So that's when me. Therapist decided that it was time to go back on meds. So anyway, what does all of this have to do with minimum baseline? You ask . Well, first of all, if you don't know.  what that is, it's basically what I've detailed before with setting goals, right?

So if you, if your goal is to exercise every day, then start with the minimum you can commit to and work your way up, right? So one day a week and then you work it up to two days a week, whatever, right? So I've actually like used this idea for like what I want to get done in a week. It's the metric that I meet.

that allows me to believe that I've done enough and I decide that ahead of time. Right? So that like when it, when I get to the end of the week, I can have my own back around it and be like, this is what we decided was good enough. Especially when my brain wants to be like, oh, but we could have done so much more.

It's like Uhuh, , Uhuh . That's from last week's episode. Um, we're not doing that. So when I had this like Aha. That I would basically be managing depression my entire life that like it wasn't going away. , it almost automatically changed my relationship to it. And by that I mean to myself, I changed my relationship with myself , because I was creating my baseline in reference to my ideal best day.

And I think a lot of us do this right? We have these perfectionist delusions that expect way more of us than we can possibly accomplish in a sustainable way, and that's the important part. This is why we make that goal to exercise every day. Then we try to do just that, and we do week one, and then we're so fucked that we stop.

So for me, what I realized is I was actually being unrealistic about what my energy and my capacity looks like daily, weekly, monthly. , I realized I have like maybe one day every couple of weeks where the fucking heavens align and I have the energy, mental space, embodied presence, limited distraction, and the right amount of things I want to do to actually get it all done.

And that's what I've been building my baseline. The person I aspire to be, and this is just another layer of the conversation we were having about moralism and the influence of Christianity on our valuation of ourselves, right? Like, I'm not good enough as I am, or I'm the best me on those fucking once in a lifetime days.

That don't happen very often. , that's who I want. That's who I'm expecting myself to be. Like that's the better version of me. Fuck that. So I really needed to like take a step back and truthfully look at the reality of who I am. And I don't just do this on my own. I have support.  because I can't always see it for myself.

Like just the other day I got coached and a problem that I thought was about someone else was surprise, really about me. I didn't feel safe, but it, it was because I wasn't setting and enforcing boundaries. So really, I was afraid of me and afraid that I would allow myself to be hurt by not honoring my truth and having my own back and enforcing the boundaries that make me safe.

And this is the same. It's being kind and loving with myself. If I can create a baseline that is something I know I can meet at least 80% of the time. That's kind right. That's the whole 80 20 thing. And then this is what I realized on top of that, and I actually did an Instagram story about it, and this is like a longer version of that I might need to check in daily.

instead of weekly to see what my baseline is that day because I don't always know how I'm going to wake up feeling. I cannot drink. Go to bed early, actually sleep through the night, through some act of God. And still wake up with a heaviness in my body and a fog in my head with zero explanation. If I've actually done the work to set myself up with a minimum baseline that is doable.

Even on these days, I might still be able to stay on track and there is also still the chance that I will need to adjust for that day. And the best part is, is that if. Thinking more about like, maybe not my worst days, but like not my best days. If I'm being more realistic about what's con, what is consistent for me, how do I show up the majority of the time and I'm doing it based on that?

Then there will be days where I feel fucking amazing and I get so much more done and that's gonna balance out on the days where maybe I have to adjust for not feeling so. , right? So this is where we're allowing it to be this fluid thing. And I know for a lot of us, we get stuck in this like, like all or nothing thinking.

And this is a way to kind of help us get out of that. And I don't wanna oversimplify this because it might take some time. . But like if I'm not in a rush, if I'm not believing that this is just some temporary thing that I need to get through fast, then I'm able to experiment with less pressure. So there are some things that I no longer consider a minimum baseline one, which I think I mentioned a while back, is making the bed.

I love to have a made. . But sometime, most most days, I'm not the last one out of bed. I'm the first one out of bed and I start my day. And if my husband doesn't do it, then I decide whether or not I am going to do it. And if that works in, if I don't get to it by nap time, it's really not happening  because I'm just gonna get back into bed

Right. So, or I might do like a quick turn down, right. Without all the extra pillows. Like we have so many pillows, so like, you know, I'll kind. R make it look nice, but not fully made. Whatever. Sometimes I don't even anymore. Something that has to be included that is on the baseline is some kind of movement.

But that can be adjusted based on how I feel. Like one day recently, I literally just did some light stretching. Uh, well, light stretching for me. I don't think most people wouldn't consider what I did, light  stretching. But as a forward answer, it was light stretching. Um, and I'm still just really working this out.

But I wanted to do this episode today so that you could get the benefit of this realization that I had. And also I wanna start opening up this conversation around mental health and talking about some of the realities of it that we aren't so comfortable speaking about, because there's no reason why we can't talk about these things.

And I know for me as a coach, I know I'm not gonna coach anybody who is depressed, but I can coach somebody about their depression, right? So if they're not in a depressive episode, um, or in tandem with therapy, right? If they're. Depressed and they're also in therapy and they have that kind of support, then we can talk about it.

We can explore what they think about their depression, what their thoughts are, how they relate to it, and I don't think that that's inappropriate. I think that like that's what I do, right? I do that with myself. I do that with my therapist. I do that with my coach, and I think it's really important that we stop thinking that we can't talk about this open.

because this is why people don't get the support that they. So anyway, off my soapbox , I'm gonna give you some self-coaching questions that you can answer that will help you kind of figure out for yourself, like maybe how you might need to adjust your minimum baseline. Um, and if this is an area where you really struggle a lot and you want extra support, let's talk about working together.

So you can either book a consult through my website or DM me on the gram. We can set something up, like I wanna be able to support you through this. So if you're driving, um, or like not tied down, you might wanna come back to this at a time where you can write these down. So, uh, I'm just letting you know that.

Here we go. Question one, what unique circumstances do you have in your life that require you to adjust your ideal plan on a daily basis? Number two, how do you want to accommodate that? So for me, I'm gonna give you an example. Like if I wake up and I feel dark, right, and I know that like that's what's going on, then I'm going to really think about like what.

Needs to get done that day, right? Like, what are the things like coaching calls? I wanna have energy for my coaching calls. I wanna be able to serve my clients. I wanna have energy for my dog. I need to have energy for me, right? To take care of myself, shower, um, exercise, do the things that are gonna help me.

Right? So maybe tho that's it, that's all I'm gonna do that. And maybe I'm not gonna make dinner, so maybe I'm gonna say to my husband like, Hey, there won't be food here when you get home at 10 o'clock. And we're just, he's gonna have to figure that out. And I'm gonna fig, you know, I'll figure out food, but it's like, am I not make an elaborate meal?

You know what I'm saying? So that's kind of like, those are some of the things I'm thinking about. Number three. What can you do ahead of time that will make it easier for you to make those accommodations? Number four, how will you need to feel in the moment to do that? So I think for me, one of the things that comes up the most is resistance.

Like I resist how I'm actually feeling. I try to like ignore how I'm feeling. So accept.  would be the way that I would need to feel to make those accommodations. Cause I would need to accept that. Like the day's not gonna look the way I had planned it to look. And then what do you need to believe in order to feel that way?

And I think for me to feel accepting, oftentimes I go to something like, this is what we're working with today. Right? Like it's just very a matter of fact, like this is what's happen. But think, think about it for you. Like what would the feeling need to be and what, what thoughts get you there. So I hope that this helps you and I'd love to hear from you.

I'd love to hear from you if you try this out. I'd love to hear from you if there's anything specifically that came up for you, uh, in terms of realizations for yourself. And I'd just love to hear from you because I love y'all. So I hope that you have a great week and I will talk to you.

If you are loving what you're hearing here on, you need a coach, bitch, please subscribe like and share with your friends. And if you want more information on how you can work with me, one on one. Go to theonlychrishale.com where you can find me on Instagram, theonlychrishale.