If You Don't Have Responsibility You Can't Fail

We abdicate responsibility for our lives and our dreams all the time.  There are things out of our control, but we aren't usually applying this level of release to those things. We often believe that things within our control are going to be decided by someone else. Let me help you uncover the areas of your life where you are attempting to avoid failure by giving over control of their outcome to some outside source.       

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Transcript

Welcome to " You need a coach bitch with Chris Hale. I'm your host Chris Hale. I'm a certified life coach that helps queer creatives. Take their passion, turn it into a purpose and get paid. If you are looking to make an impact on the world with your work by dismantling internalized, oppressive thought systems by using coaching spirituality and a lot of cursing, you are in the right place.

So let's get to work.

 Hey besties, how are you doing today? I have lots of feelings as per usual, I feel like that's always what I'm saying. But um, my birthday is next week and I was just reflecting with a friend on how differently I engage with that day now. I actually used to be one of those annoying, like full on birthday Bridezillas.

Um, I had like a birthday month and on my birthday I would take off work and just really do whatever I wanted and self-care. Well, I mean that is like once 28 hit and um, I was a bit more financially stable. I was clearly not doing that like in my early twenties when girl needed to work, work, work. You don't gotta go to work.

But, um, the past, like I would say six years have really changed the way I think about my birthday and just my birthday because I'm still all about celebrating other people. But I really need to find a new way to celebrate me around my birthday. It's tough because the last few birthdays bring up some like sad and like traumatic memories.

The last birthday I celebrated with people, like other than Caitlin, was in 2019 and I spent like all of March that year with this like diagnoseable illness that basically dragged on for like eight months, like the worst of it. The month of March, but like my immune system was like on overdrive and it was just like doing all these weird things.

And that went on for like a very long time. And so yes, I celebrated my birthday that year, but it was kind of like, it was a struggle. Like we went out to dinner with friends and it was really hard for me. Like I didn't have an appetite and I was just like, but I so wanted to celebrate. So yeah, that was a rough one.

And then, . The next year we were in lockdown and we were all like dealing with the, with that and the impact of that on all of our lives. And there was a lot going on with people in my life at that time that just kind of. Really colored the way my birthday felt that year. And then 2021, um, we were like just out of lockdown and I think it was like one of the first times we left the house or like not left the house.

I mean actually maybe for me, it was one of the first times I left the house. I was not really leaving the house at all, but we went out to dinner. . Um, and I was just super anxious the whole time, right? It like, did not feel comfortable to like be out in the world. It just kind of felt wrong because like Covid was still raging and my husband actually got Covid that week and we don't know where he got it from.

Like, I don't think it was like, because we went out, like he also was back working in the dance studio. Um, even though they were following all the protocols, it's just like, I mean, it's covid, it was everywhere. Who knows where he got it, but like that was like, On the heels of my birthday. So anyway, like , none of this has like, made me feel like celebrating much, even last year, like I was really burnt out.

I was off all of my meds. I was trying to navigate that. I just didn't feel great. I didn't quite feel like celebrating life. I wasn't like, yay, life. But I, I did get a really beautiful Louis Vuitton bag as a present, which, um,  I still love and it is amazing and it was a great surprise. And so I celebrated that.

That's, that's what I celebrated last year was this really beautiful bag. So I wanna be like excited about celebrating, but I just quite haven't gotten there yet. And I've also kind of gotten accustomed to not having like a lot of attention on me. Um, which is kind of crazy because like I'm building a business on the internet, but I really get to pick and choose when I do that and it's in service of other people.

Like, it's not really about me. I show up online because it's a tool that like we all need to be engaging with if we wanna have a business, like in this current climate where like social media is the thing. But I can also say like, I don't know that I'm always bringing my whole self to that. But I don't need to, because again, it's about helping my clients and future clients, so, , I've really taken the focus off of me, and I'm a little bit uncomfortable having it on me.

And the whole reason why I'm even talking about this is because I know a lot of entrepreneurs are very afraid of becoming more public, and often they see me as someone that it comes pretty easy to, and I wanna assure you that it does not always come easy to me, and it's like a very layered conversation.

So you can be your messy, scared self and still provide value to the world because those people that need you and they need your help, they really don't give a fuck about your stuff, right? They're not even thinking about you in that way other than what you decide to share with them. So if you don't share with people that you have a hard time being online, they're never gonna know, right?

So like you all now know that like I have a bit of a hard time being online. When it's through the lens of it being about me and having the focus beyond me and like I can deal with that on my own and I can share it with you, and it's also not gonna stop me from showing up and helping people. So hopefully it inspires some of you to kind of hold space for your own stuff around what you make it mean about yourself when it's time to show up online and publicly, and also just do it.

Okay, so that was my emotional dumping around like aging and social media and being seen  take from it. What you will today, however, we are talking about responsibility. , and I'm not sure where I heard this, but it's pretty safe to say it was like Glennon or Abby or Amanda because I don't think it was maintenance phase, which is like my other hyper fixation right now.

But it's like I'm either listening to you, we can do hard things, or I'm listening to maintenance phase, just like binge city. Um, I also went back and finished Glennon's book Love Warrior, which I started in a very dark space in 2017 and I kind of needed to put it down, but now that I'm in this like rabbit hole of Glennon Doyle, I felt like I needed to pick it back up and finish it, which I did and it was good.

It was really good. I'm excited to read Untamed now. Anyway, these words that I heard, whoever they were from, were as follow. If you don't have responsibility, you can't fail. And I wanna say woof, right? This really hit me. This is so common with all of us that are just like tr like humoring out there in the world.

We abdicate responsibility all over the place. And one of the places I see it most often is like the law of attraction space. Now, you know, I love me some Abraham. I went to see them back in September and I will be honest, it's very possible that Esther is completely scamming all of us. Um, but I don't give a fuck.

I love all the things that come out of her mouth. Lot of it's very repetitive. I've noticed this from watching videos, from listening to things online, um, and from being there in person, I'm like, Hmm, I feel like this is exactly what you said the last time I listened to you. So it feels very like, um, like she has a script, but I don't know, maybe she really is tapping into these like non-physical entities.

I don't care. I find it super helpful and. You might not actually be into law of attraction and that's totally fine, but there has probably been a time in your life when you've uttered the words, if it's meant to be, it will be right. It's like it'll all work out in the end. And I think this is a little bit of that toxic positivity that we've talked about, right?

That like we often are using that as a way to suppress or deflect negative emotion, right? It was all meant to be like that kind of a thing. Allows us to cut ourselves off from the pain. Um, and I've done this too. Like I have been there, I've been in the, if it's meant to be, will be placed, but like who is making it be?

Who is responsible for the being? Right. Who, who decides that? And sure, there are plenty of things that are out of our control. , we're often not paying lip service to those things, right? Like the things that we don't actually have control over, we're usually applying it to places where we have some kind of impact over the result.

Like we do have control in some way. And I wanna say if we go back to even like the law of attraction space or the, if it, if it's meant to be, it will be space. Often what people miss in the law of attraction is the idea. Inspired action. So you get yourself into alignment with the things that you want.

You get yourself in vibration. In a vibration, right? Like aligned with the vibration of the things that you want. You imagine them all the things, but then you actually do have to get up off your ass and do stuff. Like no one's saying, just sit on your couch at home and all the things are gonna come to you, right?

Like Abraham has never said that, but that's the thing, right? That's the space where. We are not taking responsibility for what is in our power to take action on. And that's what I mean about taking responsibility. Like where are the spaces that it is within your control to act. And often, like this is a really tough one for people, but it comes up a lot around money.

And if I ask you like how much money you want to. The majority of people actually can't answer that question. It comes up a lot, but it's because we really believe that it's up to others to pay us, and that's kind of the system we've been indoctrinated into, right? Like your employer decides how much you make and how you get paid and when you get paid.

So most of us just think, we can't know like how much money we actually wanna make, but like you have things that you can do to determine what you.  in the context of your life. And I'm not saying that's gonna be like easy all the time, et cetera. Like that's not what I'm saying, that like you can just decide to go out there and get a new job.

Like no, that's not necessarily true. But are you doing anything to make yourself desirable to another employer?  is, are you actually like thinking about that or are you just saying like, well, I'm stuck in this job when I don't have any choices and there's no options and blah, blah, blah, blah. Right. So there are things that we can do in that context, but most of the people that I'm, that are listening to this podcast, I'm sure, right.

Most of you are probably entrepreneurs or like artists, performers who are trying to move into that entrepreneurial space maybe, or.  or you just wanna like be more consistent with the things that you book. So you have way more control over your financial situation than you're probably giving yourself credit for.

And we also wanna be realistic within the context of your work and your life.  when we're setting those goals. So it doesn't, like, everyone wants to go to that like ridiculous place where like, oh, like can I say that I can make like $500 million? And it's like, well Amy, I'm not saying that, but maybe, but that's not the point.

Right? Is that even an amount of money that you, that you need or want? , and I might have talked about this before, but like in my coaching community, I think I have, right? It's really common to set a goal to make a hundred K as a life coach. And that's a great goal. I love it. Amazing, right? But why is that your goal?

Do you need to make that? Do you need to make more? Because that might be possible. , how much have you made in a year so far? If you're someone who has a really high paying job already, then yeah, making like 500 K might be something that like you're accustomed to doing. So you know what it takes to work at a level that creates that kind of money for your life, right?

Like you're putting that amount of value into the world and you know what it takes to like keep outputting that amount of value. You just have to learn how to do it in the context of the new thing. Maybe it's coaching or consulting, right? You just have to learn how to do it in. World, but it's something you've done before and you can wrap your brain around.

If that's not you, why don't we just start with like replacing your income and giving yourself a long enough runway to do that. . But if you think that it's up to others, then you're never gonna make that plan. Do you see what I mean? So when you don't take responsibility for what your earning potential is, you never actually set yourself up to be able to earn that.

That's the way it works. When you're an entrepreneur or an artist, you are not in a traditional path. You are on a path that allows you to be in control of your financial situation, whether you believe it or not. Are you doing. Or are you still kind of like thinking within this framework that says that you have to wait for other people to recognize you pay you, whatever?

Right? There are people out there that want your work, they want you, and you need to be selling to those people. And on the other side of this coin, we also need to give people back their responsibility. We need to trust that the people that need us are going to do what they have to. To be able to work with us, right?

I can't control them or their actions, but I can inspire them by telling them that I believe in them. They still have to do their own work to get themselves to that place of making the decision to bet on themselves. I'm already rooting for them, and I am believing they can have the life they want if they don't believe that it's up to them to get themselves there.

That's not my responsibility. Do you see what I mean? I am gonna take responsibility for my part of the bargain, which is I will continue to believe in you, and I will talk to you as though I believe in you. I'm gonna like pump that into you. I believe. I believe, I believe , right? I will hold the belief for and in them.

But they have to pick some of that up too, right? Otherwise, they're abdicating their responsibility to me, and I definitely don't want that. I don't want. To be the one that's responsible for believing in them to the point where they actually take action. That's not good. That's not how it should work, because then it feels like I'm manipulating them and that's not what we wanna do.

So where might you be taking more responsibility for someone else's actions that you need to kind of give back to them? , and this is like from like a copies perspective. So if we're talking about writing copy or calls to action, right? In your marketing, if I hand back the responsibility to that person, that allows me to step into their brain for a second or maybe step back into my own brain at a time when I was maybe hesitant about investing in myself.

what were the beliefs that I was having that were stopping me from taking action in investing in myself if I can, if I'm, if I've given back the responsibility to the customer, I can tap into that and be like, oh yeah, I was that person once. Okay. What was I thinking? Oh, they're probably having this fear.

Oh, they don't need to be afraid about that. Let me just talk to that and help ease that fear. Right? That's where I can be responsible and say like, oh, I have a solution for that. Let me tell them about it. Maybe they didn't think about that, right? But if I'm taking responsibility for them, I'm never gonna get there.

I'm gonna be keeping the focus on me. What haven't I done? What haven't I said? Right? It, it's, it's not in service to them, it's in service of me because it's about me. That's a little meta, but I hope you caught it. So I wanna ask you, what are you not taking full responsibility for so that you do not have to confront failure?

What is it? What is it for you and what area of your life is it? Maybe it's in your relationship, maybe it doesn't have anything to do with worker money. Are you working on the things for you that will make your relationship better or. Or at least help you understand whether it is the right relationship for you, right?

That it might not even be. I see this a lot in regards to people pleasing in relationships, so people won't be fully honest with their partners because they're trying to control their partner's feelings, right? So they're taking responsibility for their partner's feelings. So for instance, maybe your partner wants more from the relationship, but you don't.

But instead of admitting that, right, you get defensive and you're all like, that's not true. I'm so committed. And that might be true. You might be committed in the way that you're committed, right? You're committed to the way things are. You don't want them to change. You're happy with the level of engagement and interaction you have with that person, and you don't need it to be anymore, right?

So if you were actually honest about that, instead of like being afraid that they were gonna get upset, You give them back their responsibility for their emotions and you take responsibility for living in your truth. Then they get to decide, okay, if I, if I want more and they don't, am I okay staying in this relationship?

And the answer to that question might be no for them. And maybe that would be really sad for you and you'd have to deal with that. But it's so much better to like be responsible for your truth instead of taking responsibility for their feeling. And the reason that I care about this for you specifically is that taking responsibility is the ultimate form of empowerment.

And that word empowerment gets thrown around a lot. But I truly believe that you have all you need to make shit happen in your life and whatever you don't have, you possess the answer within you for where you can get it. We are often too scared, though to do it, to do the damn. . Now, yes, there are often structural and systemic roadblocks, but they're not going anywhere.

So the best way to navigate them is to go all in on a goal that while it might require more output at the beginning, it could be your ticket to being able to work around those. Right down the road. So like, are you willing to put in more time and energy and effort up front for the payoff in the future?

Can you delay the gratification, so to speak, to build the life you want like 5, 10, 20 years from now? Can you adopt the idea that it's gonna be, like I've said this before, little bite sized pieces to get you there and it might take two years. Right. Say you wanna write a book, maybe it's gonna take you two years because you get to write in like little like 30 minute half, like 45 minute, hour blocks that are random that you can just grab here and there.

Isn't it better to grab those 30 minutes a few times a week and maybe have it take you two years to write a book then to never write a book at all? And maybe it's not for you, and maybe that's the decision you're making. And this is where like I give the responsibility back to you to say like, do you actually want the thing?

It's not up for me to decide for you. And once you do decide, I'm here for you, if you want support in getting to that place. . All right, my friends, thank you so much for spending this time with me. I hope that you have an amazing week. Listen, it is in the outro, but if you're loving the podcast, please like it, share your favorite episode with a friend.

Like, we need people. I need people. We all need people supporting us. And yes, listening is absolutely supporting. One of the ways that you can really help to keep this going is by getting more people involved, so, , like share, spread the word. I love you all. Have a great week.



If you are loving what you're hearing here on, you need a coach, bitch, please subscribe like and share with your friends. And if you want more information on how you can work with me, one on one. Go to theonlychrishale.com where you can find me on Instagram, theonlychrishale.