Relationships That Keep You Small

We talk about the relationships that keep us small and how people pleasing becomes a way to chase safety at the cost of being known. We walk through family roles, one-sided friendships, and conditioned love, then share practical steps for boundaries, vulnerability, and asking for help. 
• noticing where we act “nice” out of fear, not choice 
• why people pleasing with close relationships blocks real intimacy 
• family roles like peacekeeper or responsible one and how guilt shows up when we change 
• friendship dynamics that turn us into the therapist friend and drain emotional energy 
• romantic patterns where love feels conditioned on us being low-need 
• workplace people pleasing that gets rewarded while exhausting us 
• how growth tests relationships built on our smallness 
• practical tools: pausing before answering, sharing more about ourselves, asking for help 

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Transcript

Pride Month Check-In And Joy

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hey Bestie, how's it going? How is your June going? What's going on? How is Pride? Have you celebrated? Me and my husband went to a cute little Pride Festival that happens here locally. And it was so amazing. And just to like see everyone out in the community celebrating all types of people and like families, and there was entertainment and sponsors and booths and food and all of that good stuff. And um in 10 years, it's the first time we've gone. It happens every year. And I don't know why we haven't gone before, but I'm really glad we did. So I hope that you have a chance to do something pride-related this month. Um, if you're feeling like celebrating, I highly recommend. Anyway, what are we talking about today? Today we're talking about relationships and specifically the relationships that keep you small. I want you to think about the relationships in your life. Do any of them require you to be less than you actually are in order to maintain them? Just think about that. Everything we do is relational, and people pleasing is no exception. It's all about how we relate to others in our lives. And I would say that it's the people closest to us that we tend to act out this pattern with the

How People Pleasing Shrinks You

SPEAKER_00 1:26

most. And it's because we have the most to lose in these relationships, so we do the most to keep the peace and we lose ourselves in the process. Can we people please strangers? Yes, absolutely. But it's not necessarily the bigger issue. We're not trying to create deep, meaningful relationships with strangers. So agreeing with them when you don't isn't really the same as doing it with someone you love. When we do it to those closest to us, we are essentially lying and making it impossible for them to get to know the real us. And now we do this out of fear. Somewhere along the way, we learned that being nice and saying yes meant safety. We're afraid of losing the love of the people around us, so we mask up and deny our true desires. And we grapple with the question of whether or not we will still be loved if we stop pretending. So this is where we've disappeared most completely. And it's time to stop performing and start being real. Oh my God, that's totally like the real world slogan. Stop being polite and start being real. If you don't know what the real world is, then you're too young to be here. Just kidding. Um, but that is actually what we want to do. We want to stop being polite and start being real with the people in our lives. So let's talk about different dynamics. Family relationships are where this all starts. Maybe you were assigned a role and you never really stopped to think about it. You were the good girl, the peacekeeper, the responsible one. This role sustained you when you needed it, and you've had a hard time growing out of it. And one of the reasons we have a hard time is how we're going to feel when we start changing. We might feel guilty for no longer being the one that holds it all together. But feeling guilt does not mean you are guilty

Family Roles And The Guilt Trap

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of anything. You aren't doing anything wrong when you decide it's time to step outside of this role. And what does happen when we step outside of this role? We start having needs of our own. We start asking for help. We start requiring more from the people around us. And that might not always go over well. But you have to be willing to start showing up for yourself. Honestly, most people, if they really care about you, want to be there for you. Showing up and being vulnerable is a way to strengthen the relationship. It's also a way to see who actually is there for you and who is not. The same goes for friendships. Maybe you're always the one that gives in the relationship. I know I have a habit of doing this in my friendships. I'm always the like therapist friend, the one that anyone could go to if they needed someone to listen to them. And I would carry the emotional weight of others. The problem with that is that when you put yourself in that role, you tend to attract the same kind of people in your life. Ones that are more than happy to unburden themselves on you, but that have no capacity to reciprocate in any meaningful way. Long story short, you're a magnet for

Friendship Imbalance And Emotional Labor

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narcissists. So when you start to need others in a new way, you might find that the people you have surrounded yourself with aren't able to be there for you in the way that you need. And that can be very painful to realize that you might have outgrown that relationship. Romantic relationships are also a place that this dynamic can play out. You may be in a situation where your partner needs you to show up a certain way in order for them to feel secure. You need to be endlessly accommodating. You need to put their needs first in front of your own. You need to be the strong one that never falls apart and has it all together. Your needs are always secondary to theirs. Their love becomes conditioned on you being needless. This requires you to stay small and not be a fully formed human being. And I have been there, and it is not a fun place to be. Or maybe you find yourself doing the most people pleasing at work. I've had many clients that fall into this trap. They're endlessly available to others. They take on more than they can handle to help others, and their behavior is seen as dedication and rewarded. So it's very hard to break out of this kind of scenario, but it's exhausting constantly being the one showing up for others in this capacity. Your entire professional identity is wrapped

Partners And Work That Reward Needlessness

SPEAKER_00 5:34

up in being useful. So, what happens when you start choosing yourself? Not all relationships will survive your growth. The ones where others are benefiting from your smallness will be tested the most. These relationships are not built to be mutually beneficial. And when you start setting boundaries or needing things, you might find that there is pushback. I see this in a lot of families. When you stop being endlessly available to others, they get very upset. Some people will be threatened by you taking up more space in the world. This has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. You cannot be responsible for others' reactions to you living your life more authentically. And you may find that it means some of these relationships need to be released and some don't. If the relationship is deepened by you being more yourself, then you know it's one to hang on to. So what does it look like to show up authentically in a relationship? It's tough to do, and I want to caution you against doing a full 180 and just saying no to everyone all the time or refusing to be helpful. Being helpful because you want to be is different than doing it because you think that you have to in order to be loved and accepted. You are allowed to say yes to things you really want to do, and you're allowed to give to those you love when it's not at your own expense. But we want to be a little bit more discerning

When Growth Tests Your Relationships

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about those times. So, one tip that I really love that I read in a book called The Disease to Please is to give yourself some time before you answer anyone making a request. So instead of just instinctively saying yes, like you always do, or reactively saying no because, like, you're trying to not be a people pleaser, ask for some time. I love this because it allows you to really sit with your answer. It's a baby step, and that is what we need. Showing up authentically can also look like sharing instead of listening. We talked about this before, opposite action. Something that I've been encouraged to do, especially when meeting new people, is instead of asking all the questions, is to offer more up about myself. This is very hard for me. Um, one of the ways that I've gotten good at being social is by asking questions of other people and like keeping them talking about themselves. But then I'm never really offering anything up about me. So no one really gets to know me. But remember, we're trying to attract new kinds of people into our lives. We want mutually beneficial relationships, not one-sided ones. So you're gonna find out really quickly if you start talking more about yourself and sharing more about you, and that other person is not really interested in getting to

Practical Steps To Be More Real

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know you. You're gonna find out that that's not someone you really want to have in your life, which is such good information to have. And then I cannot stress this one enough. Start asking for help. The people in your life want to be there for you. So let them think about the relationships that you already have and whether or not you'd like to deepen them. It doesn't have to be everyone. Be discerning. But the next time that you're having a bad day, reach out. Let someone know, be vulnerable. And then the thing that we always have to do is feel our feelings. It always comes back to that. Yes, you want this, but it doesn't mean that it will not be hard. Being vulnerable is scary. Let it be. Realizing that some of your relationships will not survive this change in the way that you're showing up is sad. Let it be. You might even feel anger. This is a process of loss. And remember, crying and angering are two of the ways we grieve. So you may find yourself doing those two things. Let it all out. Don't be afraid to express yourself. But also don't be afraid to feel good feelings. So many of us are so used to negative feelings that we are afraid to let the positive ones in as well. Let yourself feel more connected. Let yourself feel the relief of sharing your burden with someone else. Or sharing your joy. There is this saying that goes something like a shared joy is doubled and a shared sorrow is cut in half. So being real and vulnerable is not just about sharing the hard stuff, it's also about the good stuff. And I'm gonna venture to say that you haven't been sharing the good stuff either if you've never been sharing the bad. So start sharing both. You deserve this. You deserve to be in relationships where you are seen, heard, and chosen for who you are. This is hard work, but you can do hard things. You are worth this work. So think of one relationship

Grief, Anger, Relief, And Joy

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where you consistently show up small. You don't need to do anything immediately. Just notice what parts of you are you hiding and why. How do you want to show up? What is stopping you from doing that? And would this relationship benefit from you being more of your true self? Just sit with these questions and see what comes up for you. Okay, friends, that's all I've got for you today. Be well. Enjoy the rest of Pride Month. And if you're ready to do this work, reach out. I'm here for you. Let's talk about it. All right, bye for now.