CHINWAG: ADHD Self Sabotage with Kim Pierpoint

Many ADHDers experience Self Sabotage; the most frustrating part is that it can be so hard to spot! So where is the long awaited Season 3?! Well... there isn't gonna be one! :) I've realised that the fear of 'the Season that shall not be named' failing has led me down a path of Self Sabotage so severe I've been stuck for months so instead I'm just ploughing on!Helping me do so is the INCREDIBLE Kim Pierpoint.

In the same way this Podcast started over 2 years ago, this is a conversation between two late discovered ADHD women sharing their struggles to raise awareness, and break the stigma in the hope that their experiences help others.

Kim is a Midlife Empowerment Coach and Yoga Teacher who provides Self Care Club sessions on Planet ADHDAF...this legend is also a Stand Up Comedian, who will be joining me at Alien Nation London and Flackstock Festival in the ADHDAF Emporium and our first ADHDAF Retreat, the SOLD OUT 'Holistic-ish Weekender'. Sign up for info on future Retreats HERE

*TRIGGER WARNING: Contains swearing and some triggering topics such as self sabotage, self harm, depression, anxiety, self esteem struggles, losing a pet, RSD, struggling to exercise, masking*
If you are in need of support YOU ARE NOT ALONE! There is immediate help out there so please REACH OUT

If  ADHD has ever made you feel Alienated join us at ADHD AF Alien Nation, an ADHD Awareness raising Live Show connecting local ADHDers. Where an ADHD Seminar meets Bingo, Karaoke and Cabaret, Tragedy meets Comedy and ADHD Adults meet each other TICKETS HERE Find out more about ADHDAF Live Events HERE

Unbelievably, I've been nominated for a National Diversity Award: Positive Role Model Award for Disability LOLS... I'm so touched to be nominated and would be so grateful for your vote. If you'd like to, you can do so HERE please and thank you :)

We would love to CONNECT ONLINE in the Peer Support Community: PLANET ADHDAF for Zoom Blethers, Body Doubling, Accountability Pod Meetings, Self Care Club Meetings, Blogs, Vlogs, Behind The Scenes Content, Exclusives, First Dibs and Discounts on ADHDAF Accessories & Apparel, Meet-ups and MORE...
I hope to chat to you over Zoom or on Discord soon! JOIN UP HERE or GRAB TICKETS HERE

Apply to be part of ADHDAF Emporium: an online marketplace supporting neurodivergent makers and small creative businesses HERE

Thank you to the Planet ADHDAF Community Members for keeping this Podcast going for 2 YEARS so that other like-minded legends can benefit from these crucial conversations!

I hope to chat to you ONLINE or AT A  LIVE SHOW very soon
SELF DIAGNOSIS IS VALID & ADHD IS REAL.
Big love
Laura

Jingle by Sessionz

Transcript

As ever, there will be some sensitive topics covered, so please do have a read of the description before diving into this episode, where you will also find resources to free and immediate support. So this is a brand new format of episode, it's something that I've been considering for quite a long time, and as you can also tell if you're listening straight away, it's being released on a different day of the week.

I have been in this transitional period since October. I've been trying to find my feet, trying to navigate my way doing ADHDF on my own, and it has been really, really hard. I realize now that when Dawn stepped down to focus on her studies, I was in crisis mode. And I'm really good in a crisis. I fit that stereotype.

So I ran and I ran and I ran as fast as I could. I gave it everything I had. I didn't know how to work anything, any of the equipment. I'm too deaf to edit. I really genuinely am hard of hearing alongside tinnitus and auditory processing disorder. I've tried my best to keep going and crisis mode has kind of worn off.

And this last little while, these last couple of months, my confidence has just plummeted. And I've been.  Growing this fear that all of this that I've worked so hard for is going to fail. This passion, this thing that I love doing is going to end. It's consumed me. And I'm being honest about this. I'm very honest about this.

In the, in Alien Nation, in the second half, when I transform into RSD2, the most sensitive droid in the galaxy, I talk about the fact that ADHD AF is now the longest job I've ever had at two years, which is either happy or sad, depending which way you look at it. I'm very blessed to be surrounded by a lot of ADHD coaches.

So alongside Zoe Joanna coaching, who I work with this conversation, this chinwag that you're about to hear is with Kim Pierpoint, who is a midlife empowerment coach and yoga teacher. I also have Allie Mack coaching as one of my nearest and dearest in the community, the glue keeping ADHD AF together. And I've got the wonderful Megan Burks, who was in the last tidbit, and it was a conversation with Megan Burks, which made me realize that my self sabotage is actually been sabotaging launching season three of the podcast. 

I've had episodes under my belt. For actual months now, and I'm still not getting it out. And I realized that that is because I'm so afraid of it failing. I'm not going to lie to you. I know because of some social media work that I've done in the past, that you kind of need to be on the winning team in order to win.

So I haven't really talked outside of the Planet ADHDF community about how much I'm struggling with my confidence, about the fact that, yeah, I have lost listeners. I have, it's inevitable. ADHD AF was a package, a duo. And if you think of it as a commodity, as a product, I'm only selling half the package now.

Inevitably, there are going to be people who are disgruntled or disinterested, or just a bit sad that the dream. Didn't transpire into what it started out as, and myself included, to be honest.  On top of that, there are so many more ADHD podcasts now with much higher caliber people running them. There are two really high end podcasts that come out on the same day as ADHD AF.

People that have ADHD. Actual teams behind them with sound technicians and brilliant equipment and editors and producers and PR teams and marketing strategies and all of the things that I don't have. Sat here in my kitchen with a tea towel wrapped around the microphone with the hope that that might make the sound a little bit better.

Not that I could tell any difference anyway when I come to edit it because I can't fucking hear properly.  So,  I'll dismount from my rant and just say, in understanding now that I've been unknowingly sabotaging releasing season three, I'm just going to stop doing that now. I'm going to get season three out really soon, as soon as I can.

I'm mid tour right now, but as soon as I can. And I'm going to do that in a way that best supports me. And that is, I'm not going to call it season three. I'm going to get rid of all of the names that say season one, season two, season three, and just number the episodes because it is the fear of season three failing that is stopping me releasing season three.

And in doing so I'm further running myself into the ground with the anxiety and the worry and the stress.  I'm actually going to lose more and more listeners because they're like, this is boring. I don't want to hear these 10 minutes episodes. I just want to get back down to it in a ridiculous cycle.

That I'm in  and I realize that now. So I need to best support myself in going forward. And one of the other massive realizations I've had is that as a trying to recover people pleaser, I realize now that I cannot please everybody. I know shock horror and it's devastating. It's truly, it's truly devastating to me because that's all I've wanted.

And I realized that I can't please everybody  at all. Even the last jingle that I put out, I was trying to do something in betweeny, something a bit like me, but a bit like how the old one was. And actually, I'm not going to do that anymore.  I understand that how ADHDF looks now, in all its forms, is so different to how it started.

But I am here. And I have to do it in a way that I see fit, that best supports me, that best represents me in order to still get the message out to those of you that are still listening and to the new people that come on board. And I have unmasked a great deal in these last two years. I am not the same person that I was two years ago when I started this podcast and I thought I had to sit out the straight and enunciate and try not to swear and put on my big girl voice.

No, I'm just sat here completely as me as I am now. I am a very extreme person. I joke that I'm either ranting or raving,  literally. I've chased the fun all my life. The justice sensitivity gives me a rage about. All of the people suffering on waiting lists or that have spent their life not knowing what they have and that have struggled and have lost lives as a result of not knowing or not getting any support with ADHD.

When I first started doing the live shows, which I love so much, they are a joy.  It's my comfort zone. It's what I enjoy doing. Somebody in the community said, Oh, Laurie, you're so confident. You're so confident when you stand up on stage, you're so confident in what you're doing. And I remember  then saying, well, no, I'm not confident at all.

I don't have self belief. What I have is a confidence in my convictions. I believe in what I'm saying. I believe in the message. It is important to me. It's my vocation. It's what I have to do. It's in my bones. What I said at the time was that it's just that I have nothing left to lose. I don't talk about everything that's gone on in my life, but believe me, when I list all of the ways in which the wrecking ball of ADHD can swing in and bash up your life, I'm basically listing my life.

What I realize now is the reason why I've been so afraid this last little while since the crisis mode ran out is because now I do have something to lose. For the first time, I came from nothing, had nothing, and now I have this incredible platform and this incredible community, and I'm so afraid to lose it. 

I'm so afraid to lose it all. That that's why. I'm stalling and stalling is just making it worse. So what you are getting here is a chinwag, and it's called a chinwag because blether is a word from Northeast Scotland. And I lent on the fact that this podcast was recorded in Northeast Scotland, just like I lent on the origin story of this podcast.

But I would never say blather and actually. Big and I are going to be moving. Our house is going on the market next week, and I don't know where we're going, and that's okay, but I know who I am, and I know what I would say, and I would say chinwag. And this podcast started as two  newfound friends who had just discovered their ADHD having a conversation, having a blether, having a chinwag. 

And that's what you've got here. It's another format of what is not season three, but just a continuation and evolution of the ADHDF Safari. And these chinwags will be interspersed with interviews, just like they always have been, and a few tidbits thrown in. And I'm just going onwards  I don't know how long anything's going to be.

I don't know how well edited anything's going to be. I don't know how often it's going to come out. I don't know. But if I keep putting these parameters and these rules around what I'm doing, I'm just going to further worry and further fall down and further feel like I'm failing and I'm not failing. I'm not failing at all. 

And I've got to stop feeling like I am and the only way I'm going to do that is to get up and push forward and do my best and do it my way. And if you're here for it, I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful to all of the people that have come along for this ride. And I'm going to keep going. I'm going to stop self sabotaging.

And making myself feel like I'm failing when I'm not. I'm doing my best, and I'm doing what I believe in, and I'm going to continue to do it my way. So I hope you enjoy the first ADHD F Chimwag, and uh, oh god this is awkward, I'll shut up now, bye! 

What was I going to say to you? So, kind of got a sabotage y thing going on, where it's taken me 10 days to muster up the motivation Self love, whatever the fuck else to actually do some exercise, 10 days. And the only reason why I've done it this morning is because I was so down in myself and depressed about my lack of ability to back myself at the moment that I did it.

So  I did it as in. You're almost at crisis point. Do it right now. And then even from that point, my brain said, well, you can't find your sports bra and the house needs to be tidy and you have to do this and you have to do that. And the last one I got to was, but you're speaking to Kim at nine 30 and there isn't actually time.

And then I thought to myself, well, if I was late for Kim, because I'd finally managed to do the fucking workout 10 days later, I think she'd be quite happy about it, actually. So that's definitely a bullshit excuse, fucking do it. And that's the only way that I've managed to do it.  No, I'm glad I provided some motivation for you.

And I was thinking, what are we going to talk about? We keep sort of putting this together and I haven't really got a theme or whatever. And I was like, I know what we're going to talk about. We're going to talk about the fact that within the community, we run self care and why do we do that? Yeah, exactly.

And what's the, what's the point of the self care club? So, and what was that?  And that was, that I felt like that was, the conversation rather than trying to flog a dead horse around everything else. We've got something that we genuinely offer that we can talk about whether we love it or hate it. And what's really interesting from that self care club is the amount of people that then come to me afterwards and say, I haven't done this yet.

And yet actually the self care club isn't about reporting or having anything. It's just about bringing that awareness. And that even if you don't do anything else, even the act of coming to self care club is self care. Absolutely. So yeah, and you know, it's not a judgment club at all and it's not there to make anybody feel bad.

It's just there to make people realize we are not our emotions. We just get really hooked in to these long, heady emotions that come with life. ADHD, perimenopause, post, whatever, and we get really stuck in those emotions and sometimes it's like, I need to do something to realise I'm not those emotions.

Yeah, exactly that. And that's why I was like, do you know what, I could just say to Kim. Well, I'm saying it to you now, like, I'm just, I'm just really bogged down at the moment and it's so ridiculous. I think it's a really, you know, I'm not saying it to get the tiny violins out. I know I've got a lot of good in my life.

The strings are broken, so you can't have them. I can't fucking find it. I can count my blessings. There are plenty. It's such a sick joke. It's not funny. It truly is such an affliction to constantly have this RSD. I've said it so many times on the podcast, the 20, 000 negative things. The idea that your brain, whether it's RSD, whether it's Dopamine deficiency, whatever it is, is constantly sabotaging, but, but maybe it is trying to keep you safe, right?

Maybe there, there is that element of it, is that my brain is constantly looking for evidence to back up the bad stuff. It's almost like I want to feel bad. Maybe because that's comfortable.  I don't know. You know, there are so many different, you know, if you think about it in terms of like, sorry, God knows where the fuck this is going.

I don't know how long you've got. That's fine.  I'm good. I'm good till about, I've got to get my nails done at four. So we're good. Great. Okay. I'll try and wrap it up. But it's like, There are so many different schools of thought, right? I was speaking to somebody yesterday and they were like, perhaps you're afraid of success or, you know, you'd have people that would be like mantras or, you know, there's all these different things.

And now that I can see it through the ADHD lens,  now I can see it that way, I can make sense of it. It's such a tricksy little fucker, you know? Yeah. Because it's like, I went, I was doing all right. I have this one workout that I do, I just get up and I fucking do it. And I know that I have to do it straight away, because if I don't, my brain will find a thousand reasons not to do it.

I am with you. So that first thing in the morning, Bash, because I'm a, I'm a morning, I'm a morning. What am I? Ow. I don't know what they are. What are they? Here we go. Words. Morning owl.  Yeah. Morning owl. I don't know. A confused pheasant. Up with the birds. I don't know. Down with the birds. We're definitely  down.

Definitely down with the birds.  Down with the birds. If I don't get up and crack on  I have literally missed my slot because I've got a combined diagnosis of hyperactivity and in attentiveness. I need that something in the morning to give me that dopamine boost to bring me into a level playing field, and I can talk myself just out of it, just as much as you.

I'm not without it. It's almost if I don't do it, then if I promise myself I'm gonna do it at 11, 12, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, it does just does not happen. Does not happen  unless I booked myself in for something, because if I want to do it on my own, it's got to be in the morning. If I was, I've got not going to go to the class to be free with other people, then I've got to do it in the morning because it doesn't happen.

It just does not happen. And I've now worked out that that is my dopamine lift for the day. It doesn't always make me wonderful, but it does make me, you know, Levels. But it gives you a fighting chance for the day. Yeah. You're setting yourself up for the day. Whereas like, for me also, you're gonna laugh at this.

This is the most ridiculous thing in the world. There are so many different reasons why,  okay, no there isn't, it's bullshit, it's ADHD. But basically I, I'm very specific on the old exercise. I found out what works. If it's sunny, I'm going to do a massive walk only if it's sunny and not too windy. Very specific, very specific.

But then the other thing that I do is I do a Caleb work, Caleb Marshall dance workout, which is all my favorite songs that he's done routines to, and I've got them in a YouTube library. Or, this is a ridiculous one, a very specific Davina McCall workout from 2004. That's 20 years, Kim. Wow. And that is a really good example of time blindness because it feels like two, maybe? 

That is 20 years ago. 20 fucking years I've been doing the same workout. That's insane. It doesn't matter. It really hits you though, doesn't it? Yeah. It works for you. It really works. I can get up and do any of those things with nothing other than an internet connection. And the clothes on my back. So that's fine.

Or just my, yeah. So that's fine. But like I went out and I decided I'm going to buy weights. So I bought the weights cause otherwise I'm being cans or whatever the fuck else bought the weights, bought myself. a sweaty betty mat because the mat I've had for 10 years was literally molting on the floor and I was standing up with blue shit all over me.

So I bought the sweaty betty mat on Klana fucking obviously and then um, and then didn't fucking do it.  And it's like if I hadn't bought the stuff I would have carried on doing it. And then the time when it comes in, you don't realise how many weeks it's actually been. You think it's been a couple of days, it's been a couple of weeks.

It's, it just feels incredibly cruel. It feels incredibly cruel. Just paralysis just takes over, doesn't it? Call it what you want. You call it procrastination, self sabotage. It takes over and you just get in that bit. And it's actually really comfortable to be in that dip of not doing it and finding every reason not to do it.

And like you say earlier, somebody said, Is it fair? Is it this? It's actually low. It's just like, it's better here. And I just want to, yeah, maybe I'll do it tomorrow. Maybe I'll do it tomorrow. Maybe I'll do it tomorrow. Tomorrow never comes. And I don't know about you, but suddenly something clicked in my head.

So at the beginning of this year, it was like, I'm going to walk five days a week. I'm not going to make it seven because at the weekend things go awry and I can't. So five days, I'm going to go for a walk. And that was my commitment to myself. And we are here today, 23rd, St. George's Day. Uh, 23rd of April, and I have stuck to that, but the thing I stick to  is no, no distance, no distance.

I just want to get outside. Yeah. I'm going to go for a walk, whatever. Rain or shine.  Rain or shine. Yeah. And I guess it was a hangover from when I had my dog. So when he went, I was like, I'm going to carry on. Because when my last, my last dog, it's really easy to give up dog, you know, easy to give up dog walking because I haven't got a dog, but I was like, I'm not going to give up walking.

So beginning of the year, it was five, five days a week, no distance, just get outside, get some fresh air, do it first thing in the morning, use the body doubling to get you up and out by 7am,  get on it, get out, get outside. So of course, let's just do a little bit of fact finding here outside, you're getting fresh air, you're getting movement. 

You're breathing in clean air, and you're just seeing some different sights. I mean, I spend, like you, hours in front of my screen, zooming. Tons and tons, so I've got this vision. Literally, as I sit now with you, this is my life. So, if I don't go out in the morning and see the world,  This is my life.  And then even when I teach yoga, I'm still in this plane because I'm very often online.

Yeah. So I'm still in this and I don't, and I don't look around and I don't take in that gray sky, blue sky, cloud, rain, snow, wind, mud. I have jumped in puddles this year. Like and I am just taking it when I'm not going to put any boundaries in the minute I put those boundaries in, it becomes restrictive.

It becomes, for me, really  suffocating.  Suffocating that I haven't done three miles, I haven't done one mile, I haven't done this, I haven't done that. It's like fuck all those boundaries, just do something and get outside. So I've got, and I'm getting bored with my walks, I'll be honest, I'm getting totally bored.

But I have to keep mixing it up because I'm outside all day. Do you listen, are you listening to something as you walk? Yeah, I try it with sound, without sound, because you'll hear lots of, I mean, we took last week, sometimes I'm listening to the outside world, sometimes I'm listening to, I get a lot of my podcasts, I do a lot, I'm doing a lot of learning at the moment, so I can't sit in front of a screen.

If someone says buy this course and just watch it, no chance. If they say buy this course and it's audio,  Then I can walk and listen and I can take so much, so much more in, but that's the shape that fits me  for everybody else.  Because just like our diagnosis, we're all fucking different. Exactly. And it's going to change.

How our symptoms impact us change throughout the month, etc. With the fluctuating hormones. It's funny because originally when we were doing this, recording this episode, we were announcing our retreat. Yeah. And we have since sold out the retreat.  Man, that flew off the shelf. It was unbelievable. I've been doing retreats for the last 15, 16 years and it can sometimes feel like a real effort, do all that marketing, but the community have just gone straight in for it.

It's called the Holistic ish Weekender. It is basically about connecting with other ADHDers  A lovely place where we can all do whatever we want, really. So it's not, that's why it's holistic ish. Yeah, and we're going to scale right through to the top end of self care, right down to the other end that's just barely touching self care.

But it is  without feeling like you've got to sing mantras or dance under the full moon. We're going to have that whole spectrum. So if you're, you're a little bit of a, Ooh, don't want all that philosophy and spirituality, you're going to find something. And if you want all that up there, you're going to get that as well.

So it's just going to, it's going to be great. And the way people responded was unreal. Yeah, because what we said is it's a retreat that's more Han than Zen and more whoop whoop than woo woo. Yeah. So Kim is an amazing yoga teacher and midlife empowerment coach. You're going to be doing yoga, but for people that might be like, oh gosh, I don't want to go to a yoga retreat.

That's not what it is. That's one of many things that we're going to be doing. So there's a heated swimming pool. You can just chill out. You can have a lie in. We can go for a walk. We can have a rave. We can do whatever we want. We can do whatever we want. We can be quiet for those that want quiet. We can have raging noise.

The summer sessions are going to be, I haven't made my mind up whether it's going to be 80 80s ballads. Yeah. Oh, yes. Or is it going to be 70s disco yoga, but then we're also going to have that quiet and slow, which is going to be challenging, really challenging for some people and I get it. Oh, gosh. Yeah.

Something I've discovered just recently is I've always had tinnitus all my life. Me too. Never diagnosed, never really spoken about it very much, but part of me coming into silence is silence is deafening for me.  It is, it really is. Totally definite. You don't, sometimes, sometimes the tinnitus gets so loud that it encroaches over other noise.

But a lot of the time, you don't notice it until you're in silence. So you're like, what's going on guys? Is everyone else alright with this noise? Yeah. And if you've got that racing mind on top, that's really challenging to be quiet. So we're going to just look at ways of doing that. Whilst you guys Both you and Ali are going to be looking at other sides and things.

Ali's going to do a little bit of creative bits, some coaching with Ali. Yeah, it's going to be really, really amazing, but we better stop because we'll be making these people jealous. Cause it was actually sold out. However, however, we will put a waiting list in the Lincoln bio for future events, because yeah, these are something special.

It's needed and it's going to be special, mad to sell out, but isn't it funny. Just to come back round,  and not to be a Debbie Downer, but like, isn't it funny that we're doing this retreat, it's sold out, you're also going to be speaking. We're going to be speaking at Blackstock, we're going to be speaking about menopause, we're going to be sort of looking at all of that menopause side of things, you know.

Simple little bits of information about menopause. Here's a great one. I'm gonna leave it with you. As your progesterone goes down, it affects your breathing. It's like really interesting little snippets like that. Your progesterone is a real impact on your breath. So as your progesterone goes down, that's why sometimes the anxiousness can feel quite challenging because you can't breathe.

Your progesterone drops as you move through that perimenopause. So that breathwork again, really important. And I'm doing quite a lot of breathwork in menopause with certainly some of the women that I'm coaching is how we start to lose control of our breath. But we also.  When we get anxious, we lose control of our breath, but I also, we've got an impact with our hormones on our breathing as well.

We're going to be dropping in little tidbits about things that you can do.  You're not going to need a yoga mat. You're not going to need any sweaty Betty gear, Lulu lemon. You can wear what you like. You can do this in a car. You can just find out little things that are going to help you navigate this process and you're just going to need to know all these little things, breast work,  whether you need silence, whether you need movement, well, your nutrition, I'm going to bring together a little bit of a program all around that and how it's going to be unfortunately exacerbated if you've got ADHD as well.

It's all fun and games, but  it is going to be fun and games because Kim is actually, um, not just so many strings to Kim's bow, she's actually a bit of a comedian as well. Well, we'll see how that goes. Don't let the imposter syndrome tell me you're not,  because you are. We're going to do a few little  funnies, but God, it's freaking me out.

So I can't tell you now. Well, I can tell you, I can tell you this is what we call really feeling the fear and doing it.  Absolutely. I am really, I even now talking about it, I can feel everything going on inside. It's like, fucking hell, I'm going to stand up, I'm going to make a few quips about this. I'm going to do a little, we're going to make a few jokes about it.

Yeah, you're going to get some real good little nuggets about this process. I'm going to make you laugh on the way through, I think.  Of course you are. It's so exciting because you're going to be speaking at Alien Nation, which show? Definitely London, so we're going to have a little practice run there. And I'm really trying to just rearrange my calendar as well to be with you at Margate and Brighton and then I'll see you at Flagstock.

It's funny because it's like there's so, so, so much good stuff and I'm so excited and we have so  You know, can you believe it? You came to see us at Blackstock for the half an hour segment we had in that tent last year, and now there is an ADHD AF tent. We've got the whole tent the whole day. There is so much amazing stuff going on and my evil brain.

Is just constantly telling me that everything's bad. And it's, it's so hard to keep my head up right now. And the more I feel like that, the more frustrated I feel. And then the cycle goes round again and round again. It's like, why are you even angry? Well, I'm angry at myself for being angry. And I'm angry that I have ADHD and I'm angry.

And it's just like, When do you catch a fucking break? And it is just like, having to pull myself up by the bootstraps all the time. And it just feels incredibly unfair. Because everything that we're doing, and that's why I'm telling you this as well, is because  I know You, and I know that when you get to any of the Alien Nation events and when you get to Flagstock,  you're going to be having such a lovely time with everybody there and all of our energy.

You're not going to give a single fuck. Not one. I tell you now. Because you know you are held and supported and you're just going to be enjoying yourself and giving your important message and, and helping people in this really special way. And I know from what I've discovered from where my own.  Safari goes that the minute I'm in your company and the other ADHD is that mask drops.

Yeah, absolutely. And I, I know I'm from the area I live, I've got family and friends in the area where Flackstock  is, but I'm not asking any of them to join us because they'll see me as me. And then there'll be this real sabotage internally about, Oh, I don't, I don't normally behave like this, like that, like the other, but when I'm amongst. 

others in that same diagnosis. I absolutely, I have no filter. I am me down to the bare  bones, whereas actually there's so much masking and I'm peeling that masking off and I'm discovering that some people don't like, they don't dislike me. They just don't, they just realize I'm not that person that they wanted me to be, or I have been because I'm just becoming me.

And that's the great thing about being in this company. And I see it time and time again in our community.  I read it on loads and loads of social media, whether it's ours or other groups that are all saying, you they wanted me to be. How great it is just to be with like minded people and dropping it and sharing, you know, all this stuff we've talked about this self care that we share all this stuff that it's okay when we have a shit day and it's okay when we have a great day and it's okay to own it and it's okay just to become aware of it because that's pretty, I guess for me, My sort of mission is to bring your awareness to it that not everything's going to work, but something's going to work.

It's funny as well, because obviously we got particularly close through body doubling in the morning. And the connections that you make with people when you see them when they've just woken up in the morning. And how every day is a different fucking day. Who knows who you'll be tomorrow?  One of the community members actually came to my house and she came in and it was a fucking riot Because Ali was here and we were going through all of the stuff to take on tour So basically all of my shed was in the kitchen.

There's like feathers and there's just shit everywhere right and she came in and I was like Oh, let me just make a space so that you can sit. So I like trying to push all these boxes to a corner. And she sat in a corner of this room with like boxes over her head. And I was just like, Oh, I'm sorry. It's such a mess.

She's like, you're fucking joking. And it is, it's just like, it's just understood. It's just a. And empathy and understanding just don't have to apologize for not meeting any kind of standard or not being a certain way, like we are in our own way, all experiencing this thing. But you can't help it, can you?

When they, you just have this constant perfectionism and it drives, it drives, really drives me mad. Yeah, and it's an idea that you're, well, you're not enough. That's what it is. It's not good enough and you're going to get found out for not being good enough or something. And I really like the fact that I've discovered that because as a yoga teacher, people think I've got my shit together. 

And I have not got any of my shit together. I'm a long way off from being that person. You know, when I come to my mat in the mornings when I'm teaching,  I've just flown out of bed and I've just put my face on and my clothes on to be in front of a screen. I haven't got my shit together. I don't even know what I'm going to teach half the time, but it comes together. 

And I, it's such a lovely reward to hear people go, that was a great session. Well done. And I'm like, yeah, great. I thought it was great too. Cause 10 minutes ago, I didn't even know what we were doing. It was a surprise to me as well. Exactly that. Like I said, it's a tricky thing and I'm sharing my struggles just because I hate the idea of anyone ever thinking that the stuff we doing in the community is like some kind of.

Um, what's the word I'm thinking of? I was just going to say I never want anybody to think that I'm holier than thou. Yeah, yeah. That I'm preaching. Or,  yeah, or that we're cracking, or that there's any kind of whips to crack. It's about support, but it's as much about if we are setting goals, or if we're saying, you know, there's accountability squads, or in self care club, you know, you did one on digital detox, you've done, like, what works for you, like, we all know self care isn't all fucking having a bath, or putting some candles on, or whatever else.

It's whatever that looks like for you, but it's also.  That support in if you don't do it.  We all know why and we're all struggling in our own way. So it's never like a, um, like your productivity doesn't measure your worth. Like I said, like nobody needs to say to you, Oh, I said I was going to do this to self care and I haven't actually done it.

Like I said, it's taken me 10 days to find the motivation to do a half an hour workout. We are all the same. And that's the point of it is that like, no, you know, we're all just here in it together. And that's it. And I think often, you know, after each. Self care thing, that club that we do, and we've done a whole range of soft topics, procrastination, burnout, digital detox was a really interesting one because I said to you like, oh God, I,  I was a bit anxious about doing it, but it was really interesting how we all came together just highlighted whether we wanted to, nobody wanted to give up their phones, but everybody wanted to reduce it.

But we all accepted that we needed to use our phones because that's the way they've driven us to to be. But there was no judgment.  Absolutely no judgment. We all had a great time sharing how much we use our phones for. We had a little bingo game, like who's going to come up with the top number. We did have people, you know, averaging seven, eight hours a day.

And then we had someone top it 13 hours a day. What we came out with was that  I think there's 12 tips to help reduce you to constantly being on your phone  and there are times you want to be on our phones and there's times when we just drop into that pit and that's what most people wanted to reduce, just dropping into that pit.

It's okay. You know, I use my phone for lots of stuff. If I don't use my phone, I don't remember stuff. I don't know where I am.  I probably don't even know who I am. But it wasn't there. I've got alarms going off all the time that I don't even know what the fuck they're for.  Exactly. I've still got one on my I've still got an alarm on my phone that says take the stuffing out.

That's over for Christmas and that goes off at three o'clock every day. Take the stuffing out. And I'm like, must turn that off or change the name of it. So it's gone and then it's gone. The funniest is the amount of people I've had round that have sat at my house and gone after a little while and they're looking a bit agitated and they're like, Can you put a hint in that alarm?

I'm like, oh no, no, I really have got terrible hearing. I had no idea that was going off for like ten fucking minutes. They're sitting there like, she's going to turn that off in a second, right? No, can't hear it.  So alarms do work sometimes, but I'm with you, totally. I know damn well that that three o'clock alarm is to take the stuffing out.

I haven't eaten stuffing since Christmas. It's still telling me. It's still telling me. One day, now maybe even after this conversation I'll turn it off, but it's still going. You know, and I've got alarm after alarm. Some work, some don't work, and that's the great thing. That's so funny. But do you know what?

I think with this self care thing, whatever the fuck it looks like for you, and we know that it's going to change every day, fundamentally, it's about putting something back in, isn't it? That's really what it is. If that is like this workout that I needed to do, you know, cause it's half an hour, Kim, half an hour.

So like I zone out for longer than that, probably multiple times a day. Yeah. So it's half an hour of my life that would make such a difference on so many levels. However, you can put something back in. So even if that is just listening to this. Or if it's, when you come to anything like Self Care Club, being with other people, it's whatever is just going to give you something, like put something back into you.

Yeah. Which sounds like a euphemism and it isn't.  Well, I start the session with a few facts and figures about the topic that we're talking about. So that people just get a little bit of perspective and not last month, but the month before. And you know, this, I, I started the breakout room for people rather than having the full big, like full talk.

And the feedback was, somebody sent me a message and said, I was a bit nervous about Breakout Room because last time I did it was in a work environment and I was a bit moo about it, but it just brought people together in a smaller group where they could go, oh my god I'm always on my phone, oh my god I hate my phone, I love my phone, oh I procrastinate, oh I have burnout, whatever, whatever the topic is, but it was that small group where everyone was holding and supporting each other and what I was looking, what I hoped and it happened, was that suddenly somebody gave a tidbit. 

Hey, look at that. How do you like that segway? I've sewn it in. Somebody gave a titbit.  It was like a little gem. It's like, I do this and it's like, great, that's brilliant. Let's share it with everybody else. But it was in that small room to speak out. And this, this month we had three new community members who'd never been before, but we dropped them into those small breakout rooms.

So they weren't overwhelmed. They weren't worried that the regular members were sort of taking the stage. They got their moment. They got their time to speak. And the gems that came out both last month. Last time on procrastination and this time on a digital detox was just amazing. That's how I was able to bring together these top tips.

Yeah. These tips were great. But some, some of us are trying them out. Some of us are, have ignored it. The recording went in, the PDF went in with these tips that people can go back and look at them if they wanted to. Because it's not came from me. I don't have all the answers. No. Lots of things that I can give you.

I work all sorts of different ways, breathing, Reiki, nervous system, yoga, meditation. I've got all these other things, but it's not about me. It's about creating a space that other people can bring there.  skills, their knowledge, their things that they've tried out. The gem that came out, I've got to tell you, God knows if it will last, I've moved my phone into grayscale because one of our members said that she tried it so that your phone is not that appealing when you  open it, it's just black and white.

Strapping me potty. How can I shop on Vintage for green shoes in black and white? All my apps are in black and white. I'm having to really look for them to find them. And is it making you be on your phone less? Because it's less exciting?  It's less exciting. It's not, it's not stopped. It has stopped me buying these green shoes because I can't find green shoes.

So I'm going to be going to a wedding in a couple of weeks time without any shoes on at all. In like, burgundy shoes or something that you thought were green. Exactly. Yeah. I've got a green outfit and now I've got nothing on my feet. Maybe I'll just get my nails painted. Metallics darling, metallics.

Always metallics with the shoes. Goes with everything. So that was the tit bit that came out and I was like, oh I'll try that because it does two things for me. It's like, maybe I'll get off my phone a little bit more, but it also gives me a lovely little hyper focused dopamine hit to try something new.

Yeah, that's so true. That's what I know about myself. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. It's given me that. If you are somebody who really struggles with self care, and I am, absolutely am. It's the number one for me. I really struggle with it. That's not another thing. For you to hate yourself for, or to think that you've failed at,  that is just par for the fucking course, unfortunately.

And, and, yeah, yeah, that is part of it. And, and one of the ways that we do well is together. To know that we're not alone in it. And also, that we can fall down together. That's, that's the thing, isn't it?  Absolutely, and how many times in the group we've got other areas in the Discord channels where people are, say, you know, I've got no spoons today, I've got no people whip round, there's never any judgement, like, pull yourself, nobody ever says pull yourself together.

No, just fucking do it. Nobody ever says, just do it. That'd be nice, thanks!  Nobody ever Just write it down.  Oh fuck, I didn't think about that. Thank you very much. Yeah, cheers. Everybody's like, that's cool because we're learning, actually that's really interesting because what we've probably, a lot, many of us have learned that self care is by going I haven't got any spoons, I just need to get out of bed.

Who's going to help me? I haven't got any spoons. I don't know what to do today. That's great. That's no problem because that's really part of  identifying your self care. It's not that you've resolved it, it's just identifying it. And the times when it's tough,  leaning in for support, but also understanding that it's not actually your fault. 

So we've got so many things within that community. Not only are we got that discord, the self care and all the accountability squads that Ali does, you're bringing that out on the road so people can now meet those, those people that are bringing those things together  and sharing that in a faith to faith way and bringing all your little gems with it.

Cause that'll all be self care. I know you think it isn't, but it is self care. And I know you, you've I heard you say the other day, and I heard you, uh, on one of the other podcasts, like I'm not an expert.  We've all picked up so much from each other that gives us the chance to share our voice. to be able to support other people, whether you're coming from it from your side, my side, whatever.

We have brought all these little gems together. We're learning about ourselves and we're out there to share it. A hundred percent. I have to tell you this, Kim, and this is not even a fucking joke. Go on. I have no spoons.  Literally, where the fuck are the spoons, Kim? And if that's not a sign from the universe, I don't know what is.

I cannot find a fucking teaspoon in this house.  What the fuck is that? No spoons!  Literally no spoons. Literally no spoons. Here you go.  Kim boring facts. Kim knows so many facts. What number one item that goes missing in the world? It's teaspoons. Is it? Well, there you go. Number one item. There you go.  Because often people steal them from shops, cafes, et cetera, restaurants.

They're always the novelty thing that someone goes, I'm going to take it, but losing them in your own home. Well, who the fuck has been nicking my spoons? You couldn't write it, could you? And also, Kim, as if you know that as well, there's too many strings to this woman's bow. Thank you so, so much for this and thank you for everything.

It's been great just to have a blether, really. That's what we've done. Just come out with all little bits and had a little chat. A little chin wag.  Just to wrap up, if you would like to potentially come to a future Holistic ish Weekender, you can. Yeah. Yeah. for everything and every, anything and everything to fill your cup with like minded legends, then do sign up to the waiting list which is in the link in the blurb and you can come and connect with us in real life at any of the events of the last ever tour before we become a charity, so there won't be any more ADHDF podcast tours, um, so this is The last ridiculous hurrah, and I promise you, it truly is the most ridiculous thing I've ever done in my life.

I was literally sitting at the weekend going, Am I really going to do this? It's just like, why not? Why not? And, um,  and, or, what was the last thing? Come and connect with us online. You can wake up with us, you can come to Self Care Club, you can chat to us. Pretty much 24 seven. So yeah, um, thank you Kim.

Thank you for everything. You're welcome Thank you equally back at you sister.  He  I'm really happy with that I've no idea how long it is and I'm well past caring to be honest. 

I Think it's painfully obvious. What my most ADHD thing of the week has been we've got it all here, haven't we from self sabotage? self loathing procrastination Task Paralysis, RSD, ADHD has literally not just tripped me up, but pinned me down for months on end now. And as the leader of the Leopard Print Army, as I always say, the leopard is not just the symbol of Aberdeen.

It's also symbolizes bravery, the reclaiming of power. So I'm reclaiming my power and, and trying to Overcome all that I'm up against right now by just taking away the obstacles that feel the most challenging So leaning into what I can do Asking for help where I can to help me move forward in a place where I've been really really stuck for so many months now  so speaking of help how you could help me is by sharing the episodes by sharing social media posts by  writing a review or hitting those stars, I'd be so, so, so grateful because I really am up against it.

You know, when this podcast started two years ago, Tuesday was ADHD F Day and now there are so many other ADHD podcasts that have even taken the day. So, um, I might be moving the day. I'm just getting lost in all of this algorithm business. I'm really, really can't compete with the sound quality and the promotional budget and resources of other high end ADHD podcasts.

It's fantastic that so much awareness is being raised and that ADHD is being spoken about so widely. That's all I've ever wanted. But from a personal perspective, I still want to keep going. I love doing this. This is my calling. It's what I want to do, but I need a hand now too, cause I'm just getting lost in all of this.

And even though I can logically see why those 20, 000 negative things, the RSD, how my brain is wired, everything else means that my brain is constantly telling me that it isn't because I'm up against much bigger people. It's because. I'm rubbish.  And see, see, you're always gonna fail, all of that stuff, which is not fun.

But one of the main things that's keeping me propped up back here is the Planet ADHDF community. I just would like to read this from a member, I always keep the members anonymous, but they said, Personally, I prefer the recorded in the kitchen with the tea towel around the mics. Style than the very polished professional podcasts.

Podcasts should be demographic platforms open to those with less resources to spread the crucial messages. Otherwise, how do minority, authentic, and disadvantaged stories get heard? And that's a good point. So. If this podcast has helped you along the way, if you are part of the Leopard Print Army, please give me a hand because I'm really up against it and getting lost back here now.

And I would love to keep going and keep having these crucial conversations. So, all who have joined me aboard this rollercoaster, all aboard the mission to keep this, keep this thing rolling, I'd be really, really grateful. There's two other things that have really, really been such an enormous boost. 

Firstly, it is all of you that have voted for me to win Positive Role Model in the National Diversity Awards, which is ludicrous. It is one I have never been called before, but I am so, so, so grateful. And though I know I don't have a hope in hell of getting shortlisted, I'm up against legends and heroes of mine.

I am so, so, so grateful for the nomination. And I'm literally going to screenshot all of your lovely words and keep them on my phone So that I can keep the really shit daydreams at bay. So thank you ever so much. I really can't thank you enough. If you would like to vote you can do so via the link in the blurb of this episode where you can also get tickets to come to the last few Alien Nation shows.

If you can make any of those events then do grab yourself a ticket and let me know if you're nervous to come alone because the welcome party will meet you at the door. And seat you with like minded legends to make local connections. We're all in it together. So as ever, my life is really, really extreme.

On the one hand, there's all of this amazing stuff, and I'm so excited to see you all next week. I cannot tell you how much joy it brings to my life. Seeing everybody connect, seeing the difference and hearing the difference it makes, and just getting to see you in real life is the best thing ever. On the other hand of that is this kind of behind the scenes, me having to deal with the fact that I'm getting lost in it all and then sabotaging and further getting lost in it all and it's not very nice but I think the main thing that this whole ADHDF Safari has taught me is that in sharing our vulnerability, in sharing our experiences, in showing how normal it is for us ADHDers to self sabotage, to feel this way, to fall down.

There is so much strength, not just in the vulnerability, but in the camaraderie. It's what brings us all together, it's what unites us, it's what eradicates the shame of the condition in knowing that we are all together in this thing. So if you are experiencing similar, I hope that what I've shared has been of some use and that you can take comfort in knowing that you're not alone and that we can support each other in this.

So, I want to leave you with this quote but I realized that it could have some triggering connotations as discussed in the ADHD love. Couple episode many of us experience self harm and whether that's physical or emotional I understand that this quote could have different connotations to some and as ever if you are in need of help There is immediate free support out there and there is a link in the blurb of this episode With all sorts of resources that can support you.

So I'm sharing this quote with you Because it resonates with me. Bearing my soul, basically, and all the scars of my life that are sort of laid bare. I'm acknowledging that they took me to this place, and the power that sharing our vulnerabilities can have, because it can empower others. I absolutely can't tell you how much I love this one.

So I'm leaving you with this. It is from T. L. Martin, Dancing in the Dark. She wore her scars as her best attire. A stunning dress made of hellfire.