Imagine if you could turn the stress in your relationship into a strength, a bond that keeps you united even in the face of adversity. This continuation of our mental health in marriage series hits every couple and we'll share practical advice and strategies on how to tackle external stressors and stay strong as a team.
We all know that when dealing with stress self-care is vital, but how do you do self-care as a couple? It's not just about indulging ourselves; instead, it's about identifying what genuinely brings us joy and keeps us relaxed. Understand the significance of self-care in relationships but also know how to create a culture of kindness and support. Tune in; we have a lot to share!
Imagine if you could turn the stress in your relationship into a strength, a bond that keeps you united even in the face of adversity. This continuation of our mental health in marriage series hits every couple and we'll share practical advice and strategies on how to tackle external stressors and stay strong as a team.
We all know that when dealing with stress self-care is vital, but how do you do self-care as a couple? It's not just about indulging ourselves; instead, it's about identifying what genuinely brings us joy and keeps us relaxed. Understand the significance of self-care in relationships but also know how to create a culture of kindness and support. Tune in; we have a lot to share!
Welcome to the Still Becoming One podcast.
Speaker 2:We are Brad and Kate and our more than 20 years of marriage. We've survived both dark times and experienced restoration.
Speaker 1:Now as a licensed marriage counselor and relationship coaches. We help couples to regain hope and joy.
Speaker 2:We invite you to journey with us, as we are Still Becoming One.
Speaker 1:Let's start the conversation. Hello everyone, welcome back to Still Becoming One. Yes, we're so glad to be back.
Speaker 2:It feels like a while.
Speaker 1:It was For those of you who are loyal listeners, who we really appreciate and look forward to our new episodes coming out on Wednesday. You probably noticed you didn't get one last Wednesday.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we didn't do one.
Speaker 1:Well and, to be honest, we couldn't, because we had our websites hacked and everything was offline and and yeah, we spent a number of days trying to work through all those issues and glad to report that everything is back and normal and try not to stress about it, which we're going to talk about today.
Speaker 2:Yeah, appropriate Big shout out to our middle son, who is our tech guy and also in college. So we're trying to make sure we weren't putting too much pressure on him, but he was integral in helping us figure it all out. We're so thankful for you.
Speaker 1:Yep, and yeah, so yeah, so it's been a week.
Speaker 2:Oh, my goodness has it, and we actually had clients say to us you look tired. Yeah and we're like oh yeah, it was a week it was a week, for sure we are, so apparently we're not hiding it very well at all so which seems super appropriate, since we're talking about dealing with stresses within in your marriage dealing with each other stresses and helping each other today.
Speaker 2:So I have to say I think that we did last week pretty well. I mean, if you know us and you listen to our podcast regularly, you know we have lots of stress in our home anyways, with a kid with lots of extra needs due to trauma, so it's not like our weeks ever look calm and quiet anyways. But I think everything with the website, I was really impressed with how you handled it. I know it was very stressful and frustrating, but I felt like you handled it really well and we're taking in stride, which I know can be a challenge, so I was thankful for that.
Speaker 1:Well, it's funny, it did get me to one of those places of I can do nothing about this right now. And that like almost inevitability of stress level that it's like. It's so stressful I can't be stressed about it because I can't do anything right, which is an odd kind of place to be, but I certainly felt that at some points in it of like well, it's just going to be how it is.
Speaker 1:So, and there's still some things I need to clean up and finish and do to deal with it, and that, to me, is actually more stressful when it's like here's a to do list of things I need to get done and trying to find time to do it, I think, is harder than this. Like well, there's nothing I can do in this horrible situation.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but still, but still because it could have, it could have taken you over, so oh, for sure. I thought you did an amazing job and yeah, so, so yeah, we're talking about stress and marriage and we were living it last week. It's so funny, maybe we should be careful of the topics we pick.
Speaker 1:Because then it's like they seem to be.
Speaker 2:you know living examples Like well let me give you something to talk about on that subject.
Speaker 1:Yeah, no that's so true, so true, but specifically what we want to talk about? Like, we know that marriage situations can certainly cause you stress right. Like, and we can understand that and, honestly, what we're talking about today is more external situations causing one or both of you stress, and then what do you do with it in your marriage? How do you help each other?
Speaker 2:So not necessarily when you have stressful situations within your relationship.
Speaker 1:Correct.
Speaker 2:But more when you have stress. One of you is having stress and how to navigate it. Support each other and have feel like that is not pulling at the two of you.
Speaker 1:I think that's really the start. Of the first issue is Like those external stresses can very easily pull at each other. We've certainly seen that. Like we have to work really hard to make sure that our external factors don't get us arguing, don't get us at each other.
Speaker 2:That's hard. It's hard. We don't need to go into any specifics, but I feel like we definitely face that challenge on a weekly basis.
Speaker 1:Absolutely.
Speaker 2:Because kids in stress definitely is gonna bring that aspect cause we have different stories about how we were raised. We have different perspectives. Although Brad and I try to be on the same page, we don't always start on the same page, we don't always see the situation the same. So I feel like this is something we deal with on a weekly basis, of trying to make sure these challenges do not rip us apart.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I totally agree with you. I think that is a priority, and this is probably one of the first things I was gonna say. The best posture you can take is one of teammates, of we're on the same team and that we may not be seeing eye to eye right now, but our goal is to get there so that we're functioning as a team together rather than as adversaries, and stress can often set you up as an adversary, and so that's one of the things that I think is very difficult and challenging. I also, honestly, I think one of the other things that trips up a lot of couples is the differences between how you both deal with stress, but also the things that stress you Right, because I think in some cases, there are things that stress me out, that don't stress you. There are things that stress you out.
Speaker 1:That don't necessarily stress me out, right, and that can be frustrating.
Speaker 2:Yeah, well, yeah, I mean I guess I don't know that when that happens that I'm upset that you're not stressed too. That's actually not really what I want. I think it's the acknowledgement and understanding that it stresses me out, right. So I don't need you to join me in the stress, that's actually not a good plan. But for you to be like, okay, well, that doesn't stress me out, but I understand that that does stress you out, Correct?
Speaker 1:and I'm gonna call out my fellow guys here because I think this is maybe more a guy issue than others but I see all the time where guys are stressed out about something, usually work-related, external to their family, and they don't really want to or give any space to talking about it with their wife, so they carry it on their own and then they get upset with their wife that they are not understanding that they're stressed. Okay.
Speaker 1:And it's like this double-edged sword of like. I want you to recognize how much stress I deal with all day, and yet I don't actually Don't wanna tell me about it. Tell you anything of it, because I don't wanna stress you out. Hmm, hmm. I hear that all the time from guys.
Speaker 2:Do you think that they don't wanna stress their wives out, or they also haven't learned the skills to talk about the stress that they have?
Speaker 1:Hmm, I mean, I think that's a great question. I think it's probably some of both, but I'm gonna guess. A lot of times there is this kind of unspoken, don't bring your stress home idea that it's like, or just deal with it on your own. I think guys have been taught this message of like, just deal with it on your own. Like you don't want it to enter your house, so just leave it at the work. And we don't recognize how we still carry it.
Speaker 2:Do you think that's a learned thing from generations?
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, it's absolutely generational. I mean and this was talked about back in our grandparents and great grandparents' generation that in the Great Depression there were guys who lost their jobs but then still put on suits and went out to the park every day because they didn't want to stress their wives out that they'd lost their job. Like I think that attitude has continued over the years of like I have to protect my wife from the hardness of this, which, honestly, I don't believe.
Speaker 1:But I think that same attitude is there, so I think that is part of the problem, right, and we have to do a better job of taking care of each other by acknowledging and allowing each person to be able to talk about their stresses.
Speaker 2:Right, right, but that does also leave space for we to probably talk about it differently. We do so, but not that we can't grow and stretch in that right, like just because we Do it a certain way doesn't mean that we can't grow and stretch in that area so that our spouses Understand more of where you're coming from.
Speaker 1:Absolutely. And look, I've Recognized there was a point in my life. This was back a couple of careers ago now, but there was a point in my life where?
Speaker 2:I like to change careers.
Speaker 1:I was coming home and telling you all of my stresses and Because you were kind of my outlet and then, after a while, you really got this idea that I hated my job and I didn't. I actually really liked that job, but I Recognized I was dumping all of the stress on you and not sharing some of the positives. Mm-hmm right, so you were getting only a one-sided perspective.
Speaker 2:Well, and I also always thought like we were one step away from leaving it right. So I was like okay, All right.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I think we need as a as both husband and wife. We need to do a better job of informing. Mm-hmm each other about what we're carrying. Mm-hmm, what we're doing, what we're thinking, and just a general, you know overview. In fact, we give this as an assignment to a lot of our coaching couples of Spend 15 minutes a day just talking about your day just looking at each other Without phones in front of your face, just kind of talking about how was your day.
Speaker 1:Yeah and Some of it is for exactly this purpose, like you can actually get into. This is the stress I was carrying. These are the hard things I was dealing with. These are the wins that I had right. Like that. You can talk about both.
Speaker 2:Yeah, no, that makes sense and I think that if it's, if it's kind of a part of your routine, it will become less of a Hurdle to get over to actually right about it right so but you said something important just a minute ago of like.
Speaker 1:Each of you probably handle your stresses a little bit differently, mm-hmm, so say more about that.
Speaker 2:It's just as unique as you are and it comes from your story and you know sharing hard things or stressful things, or, yeah, I think as you grow in your marriage you're gonna learn how that is for each of you and that's a really important observation to know and understand and to be able to To understand when your, your spouse, is sharing something that's at a heightened level. Not, you know, we have normal daily stresses and different things, but something that's really sort of Bogging them down so, to give an example, how do you see me handling stress from the outside?
Speaker 2:You mean what external things do I see that. Tell me you're stressed.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Are you ready to share these with everybody?
Speaker 1:Sure.
Speaker 2:You just usually get grumpy and short yep with us and Not necessarily vocalize it. So then I, even though you're really good at being Transparent and honest, sometimes I feel like I have to prod you to talk about it so that it's sort of out in the open, because I end up then trying to guess what is stressing you out.
Speaker 1:Sure no, I know I totally understand that and I can recognize that in myself and there is still a part of me that goes I Don't want you to have to carry my stress. Mm-hmm right. I want you to know about it. I don't want you to have to carry it or have to deal with it or fix it or whatever like. So Then there is a part of me that keeps it in sometimes.
Speaker 2:Mm-hmm, yeah, and for me.
Speaker 1:You, I. I think you Actually carry your stress relatively well.
Speaker 2:I think you can get short as as well, frustrated already short, but I don't know how many people know that Can't get much shorter man.
Speaker 1:I meant short in how you Respond to the children, sometimes in, because often it's About things. It's usually not about the stress, but it's like they did one more thing, that's adding something else to your list. It's like you've got to be kidding me. You've left dishes out.
Speaker 1:You know kind of stress so you're saying you see it in the things that it's not actually about, it's not has nothing to do About the dishes, but those, those comments and that the way you respond about those dishes come out when you're stressed because it's Adding one more thing to your to-do list.
Speaker 2:Which is funny, because I don't feel like I'd say dishes is an interesting example, but I think that I that can be true, but I'm curious. I feel like that's more with the kids than it is with you.
Speaker 1:I know I'm pretty verbal with you.
Speaker 2:I've learned probably Unfortunately too far on the one side at times that I'm with you a little bit of a verbal lometer and I'm willing to admit that completely. With the kids that's not necessarily the case correct.
Speaker 1:When you are stressed, you need to process it like there is a need that you have of like I need to go over it and need to talk about it and I. I hope I've given you space just to do that, just to kind of be able to put it out there, and most of the time I'm not, I would say I'm not purposefully quiet, but I'm relatively like, just allowing you the space to put it out there because I think you just need that.
Speaker 2:You're overwhelmed and probably in some of our world, in your head.
Speaker 1:I'm not overwhelmed, I am listening but there is a place where it's just like you need to go over what just happened. That was incredibly stressful, or you, you know, end to talk about it, and that's not a bad thing. That's what you need.
Speaker 2:I am trying to with my mentor and coach. I am trying to journal on my computer so that sometimes the verbal vomit does not have to happen. I I find it can. It can become a challenge for me and become too much. So that's the thing. Like every one of us, even if you are someone who talks about your stress well, it doesn't mean that also can't be too much kind of so to speak. So it's not right. So every single one of us has ways that we can be able to communicate it with our spouse cause that's a really good thing but also know that we have to do our own self care in our stresses. Right, it can't be me verbally vomiting to Brad and expecting him to then carry it and care for it, which I don't want him to do Probably more. When I am talking about it a lot, I need someone to sit with me and acknowledge the hardness of it. I think that's exactly right.
Speaker 1:That I'm wanting, and I think most people do, and so, yeah, I think that is what's words to what I think a lot of people are looking for, and a lot of times what gets missed when we're talking to your spouse is they go and hear it from you, know your perspective, and go, oh well, you just need to do this Right, and they try and fix it, or they kind of say, oh, that's nothing to worry about, that, you shouldn't be stressed about that, right. So they minimize it, like that kind of stuff happens all the time and I think it's what gets people frustrated a lot of times of like you don't even understand, right, like you don't understand why I'm stressed. You just wanted to write it off as if it's not a big deal and I'm being silly because I did. You know I felt stressed because of that. So I agree.
Speaker 2:You brought up a good point there of minimizing. We have to be careful, but I do think, because minimizing is never going to make your spouse feel good. It's going to make them feel unseen and unheard. But I do know there can be perspective that can be brought into. You just need to ride that line very carefully where you're validating what you hear but also saying but I think like maybe because there can be situations, right, that we blow out of proportion, that we think are way worse than they are but the key to that is validating. I understand why you feel that way, I totally get why that you know and I see where you're coming from. However, I don't think maybe that person is as upset with you as you think they are or like bringing in another perspective. But it always to avoid the minimization. Minimizing you're going to have to really sit with that person and validate how they feel.
Speaker 1:Yes, I totally agree that hearing each other out, validating where somebody's coming from We've talked about this in some of our emotional podcasts before of their feelings are true or real even if they're not telling them the truth right, even if there isn't anything to worry about, their feelings of being overwhelmed are real.
Speaker 1:So we need to recognize that and start there right and just be able to validate that. Whatever they're feeling, whatever's going on, and you minimizing it honestly sets you up as the opposition rather than a support, so that's never going to help. So just being able to listen, just being able to be there with them and I think, yes, sometimes you can offer other perspectives I think we need to be cautious because some people do that almost automatically.
Speaker 1:Oh well, let me tell you my perspective of how you should handle that, and that also doesn't feel validated.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Right, and so I think it can be effective. But, as you said, you have to make sure you are fully listening first, hearing the person out first, and then kind of go hey, would you like a different perspective, or would you like some ideas?
Speaker 2:Right asking is really good to you, right.
Speaker 1:Or is it just you need to vent right now?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I was more thinking of our kids, sometimes, like, I do think, because we have one young adult and three teenagers and sometimes their fear of the situation runs away with them, and so I'm trying to listen and validate but also say hey, because a lot of times it involves peers and what teachers think of them and those kinds of things. And sometimes I'm trying to say like you know, that may not actually be what's happening, even though it feels that way, and yeah, but I think you're absolutely right and I think asking that question can be good. I think sometimes people do feel like they don't have a choice when you're like hey, do you want a different perspective?
Speaker 1:No, right, right, you don't actually-.
Speaker 3:Well, if I'm honest, if I'm honest, I don't right now I really just want to vent.
Speaker 1:You're probably not gonna say that You're exactly right, right, so we need to be cautious of that kind of stuff.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it should not be your go-to Right when listening and caring.
Speaker 1:That's good that's really good, and you said something else back there a minute ago of each of you need to have some of your own coping skills. Right, and tell me a little bit about that. What do you mean by coping skills?
Speaker 2:Well, we can have someone come alongside of us. This is what we say all the time to our kids we're here to come alongside of you, but there also has to be a space where, at the end of the day, you realize you need to be able to take care of you. Mm-hmm Right, because, yes, people joining us in that is such a beautiful part of God's community. At the same time, we need to be able to care for our emotions and what's going on ourselves as well. And so just figuring out for you, like, how do I handle stress?
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:How do I take care of myself? Well, you know we could use the term self-care, which is fine. It does get a little mixed with kind of society's version today of caring for yourself versus spoiling yourself.
Speaker 1:Oh, there is an interesting topic.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I mean it's not bad to spoil yourself, but self-care we're talking about actually is something that takes good care of you, that helps you to reduce those stressful feelings or overwhelming emotions that you might have. Brad and I have learned a lot about this in the last two years, of trying to be aware of where our body is and being able to bring it down a few notches. It's not always going to be bringing it down completely to where you would like it to be, but how to care for yourself well, so that you're coming down a little bit out of that stress Absolutely, it's so critical that you both have some and encourage each other in them.
Speaker 1:Right, like it is actually hugely beneficial for me to do some of these things. But I will tell you when you say, hey, you should go do some of those things, it actually kind of multiplies the effect for me. Ok, it's like oh, I'm not taking away time for that the family need or Kate needed. I can actually go do that thing and feel good about it and know that it's going to help me become better and deal and manage with that stress.
Speaker 2:Gotcha, gotcha.
Speaker 1:I think there is a huge support place there and I think that's most people Like. If it's like, hey, your spouse goes, hey, go do that thing that you really enjoy, that would be wonderful. Or hey, let's sit near each other while you do that thing and I do this thing, in a way of taking care of ourselves. But, then maybe you're able to be in the same space Like that's even a better thing. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so I find most people have literally no idea what kind of things they can do to relax to cope to reduce stress.
Speaker 2:I think that it is less of a puzzle than people think it is. I encourage the women that I work with to really just think about the things, the little things that bring them joy. I encourage people to just really look at the things that bring them joy and these don't have to be big things, although those are good to have on your list of things as well and I encourage people to keep a list so that when they're in that stressful, activated place that they can look at their list and be like, nope, that's not something I want to do right now, but that sounds really good. And I say to people all the time this isn't rocket science, but I think that's what people are led to believe with how culture does the spoiling stuff, so to speak. And.
Speaker 2:I tell people all the time one of my number one ways to take care of myself is to go stand in the sun for five minutes. I'll sit out on our driveway People probably think I'm really strange and I just sit there and I let the sun soak into me. That has always brought me joy. It always makes me feel better. I let the sun on my face. I like warm things A lot, brad is laughing as we're getting into fall.
Speaker 2:He knows that he can always make me happy by warm things. But these are the things how God wired me to make me feel safe, to make me feel calm, to make me feel comfortable. So just understanding those things about yourself. Obviously, I have other things too. I love to read all different kinds of things. But knowing these things about myself is really helpful. But we don't have to think it's going to cost lots of money and take lots of time.
Speaker 1:Yep, that's really good and I encourage a lot of the people I work with and honestly I would encourage you guys now to make a self-care grid for yourself, and the grid that I usually go is just a four by four blocks, so you have amount of time at the top and a short amount of time, which I usually define as 20 minutes or less, and then a long amount of time, which maybe you have an hour or three hours in that, and then the two on the side would be low activity and high activity. So then there's a box for each and you can add a third column of kind of like low cost or higher cost.
Speaker 1:Because I know some people need to think through those, Right. But I will say, if you do not have things filled out in these boxes when the time shows up in your schedule, you won't do anything.
Speaker 2:Well, and you may just sit there, stuck like, oh, I don't know what to do.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:Like that is a challenge, because you're like well, I know I should do something for myself. I know I could do something for myself, but I don't know what to do.
Speaker 1:You'll end up heading towards more unhealthy or more disassociation type things, rather than self care type things yeah. And so that we can talk more about the difference between those two. But if you fill out that block, so you have an idea of, if you have 20 minutes, what's something active that you can do if you have the energy, or what's something relaxing that you can do. Versus. If you have three hours, what are you going to do? With in both of those. If you have some of those ideas, you're much more likely to take a step forward and take a chance to go.
Speaker 1:Okay, I need this Now. I would suggest that both you and your spouse fill that out with things that you enjoy and share it with each other. Right, because of what I was just saying. You know, the other day we were doing some stuff around the house, we were getting some things ready and whatnot, and then I had probably an hour and I went and gotten my hammock in the sun and just relaxed for a little while and it was wonderful.
Speaker 2:You do not get in the hammock in the sun, you get in the hammock in the shade every time.
Speaker 1:Well, it was outdoors in the sun, okay.
Speaker 2:Well, yes, it is an outdoor hammock.
Speaker 1:I don't like the sun as much as you do, but I enjoyed the outdoor aspect of it. Yeah, it was just so lovely outside and I was just enjoying the blue sky and, yes, enjoying the shade of where my hammock was.
Speaker 2:The sun was out, you're right, it wasn't nighttime. Right, you were not in the sun, because that's where I would have been.
Speaker 1:So but to me that was just incredibly rejuvenating after what was a stressful week and it was just a great way to kind of start a new week for us yeah. So you know finding those moments.
Speaker 1:I think is just so important and being able to gift each other those moments. Right, If you know that your wife finds incredible stress relief by taking a hot bath or a hot shower and you can go to her and say hey, I know, it's been a super stressful day. I've got this for the next 30 minutes Go and take a hot shower.
Speaker 2:I only have 30 minutes.
Speaker 1:Okay, 45. I'm just doing.
Speaker 2:But, like.
Speaker 1:That is a huge gift of self-care that you can do to help each other's stress level? Right. And this is where, honestly, why we wanted to talk about this of stress and marriage, because I think there's a ton that we can do to make it worse and, if we're intentional, there's a lot we can do to take care of each other.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we had a couple of other things too that I think are quickly worth mentioning and just remembering to pay attention to how much rest you're getting sleep, not just rest sitting but that is one of the first things that can suffer, just because stress is hard and it keeps our brain active and our body is buzzing, even if we're unaware of it. So, being mindful of how much sleep you're getting and taking care of yourself that way, and then also just knowing, as spouses together, when it's too much and when you need someone to actually help you process the stress outside. So getting some outside coaching or counseling that can really help you to strategize and think through and, yeah, just have a place, even understand why that thing is becoming so stressful for you or why you handle, stress the way you do Correct.
Speaker 2:Not that there's anything wrong with it, but understanding it can really help us in processing things. Super important, super important.
Speaker 1:So all of those can be really important to recognize and how you take care of each other. So I hope that this gives you a start right, a start of a framework of how do we handle stress differently, how do we take care of each other in this, because, while this is still going in our kind of mental health and marriage series, this is one of those ones that each one of us are dealing with, for sure at different times. And here's one of the graciousness of God that I find is often when I'm dealing with more stress, you have a little bit more space to help. When you're dealing with more stress, I have a little bit more space to help, and I find that there often is that balance when we're talking about it.
Speaker 1:good that we kind of go back and forth and helping each other through it, and that can be a real wonderful, connecting, positive space for both of you and your marriage, so I hope that's helpful. I hope that you are finding some positive ways to help each other and continue to grow on your journey. We would love to hear from you Stop by our social media at at still becoming one on Instagram or Facebook, and we would love to chat and hear how you're doing it. So that's it for us this week, until next time. I'm Brad Aldrich.
Speaker 2:I'm Keith Aldrich, be kind and take care of each other.
Speaker 1:Still Becoming One is a production of Aldrich Ministries. For more information about Brad and Kate's coaching ministry courses and speaking opportunities, you can find us at aldrichministriescom. For podcast show notes and links to resources in all of our social media. Be sure to visit us at stillbecomingonecom and don't forget to like this episode wherever you get your podcasts, and be sure to follow us to continue your journey on still becoming one.