What if the person you vowed to love and cherish became your standard of beauty and the one against whom all others are compared? On this episode of Still Becoming One, we grapple with this powerful notion and the role it plays in maintaining attraction in marriage. A candid remark from a listener inspired this exploration - a heartfelt admission about losing both attraction and connection to their spouse.
We challenge conventional beauty standards and discuss how attraction naturally evolves as we age. Furthermore, we delve into the importance of appreciating and admiring your partner, addressing negative thoughts that could affect your perception of them, and fostering a deep level of trust for open communication. We highlight the significance of intentionality in nurturing attraction and illustrate how you can foster a fulfilling and intimate relationship with your spouse. So join us on this journey of discovery and enrich your marital bond through this empowering perspective.
What if the person you vowed to love and cherish became your standard of beauty and the one against whom all others are compared? On this episode of Still Becoming One, we grapple with this powerful notion and the role it plays in maintaining attraction in marriage. A candid remark from a listener inspired this exploration - a heartfelt admission about losing both attraction and connection to their spouse.
We challenge conventional beauty standards and discuss how attraction naturally evolves as we age. Furthermore, we delve into the importance of appreciating and admiring your partner, addressing negative thoughts that could affect your perception of them, and fostering a deep level of trust for open communication. We highlight the significance of intentionality in nurturing attraction and illustrate how you can foster a fulfilling and intimate relationship with your spouse. So join us on this journey of discovery and enrich your marital bond through this empowering perspective.
Welcome to the Still Becoming One podcast.
Speaker 2:We are Brad and Kate and our more than 20 years of marriage. We've survived both dark times and experienced restoration.
Speaker 1:Now as a licensed marriage counselor and relationship coaches. We help couples to regain hope and joy.
Speaker 2:We invite you to journey with us, as we are Still Becoming One.
Speaker 1:Let's start the conversation. Hello everyone, and welcome to Still Becoming One. We are so glad to be back and recording today.
Speaker 2:Right, but we haven't posted because we're still ironing out kinks. So this week it's not entirely true.
Speaker 1:If you didn't see us on Facebook, there is a reason, because our website is still having some issues, but it did go out. Yes, if you subscribe to us on Apple podcast or Spotify, then you got the notice Right. And if you didn't, if you aren't subscribed to us there, maybe this would be a really good time to do so, because then you'll keep getting the episodes, even if, for some reason, our websites having issues.
Speaker 2:Right, and hackers are just jerks? Yes, they are. So you know we're still dealing with all that.
Speaker 1:I wasn't going to plug subscribing to us, but, man, this is a great reason to do so, because then you still get a notification that we're posting and if you're one of our active listeners, you could actually do us a favor while you're over there subscribing, leave a comment. You can rate it. Hopefully we get five stars, but rate it and leave a comment. That helps other people to find the podcast as well, so we would definitely appreciate it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so hopefully this week we'll be back up and sharing maybe on the website. It may just be from Apple, but it's thrown us for a little bit of a loop and then us being out of town, just lots of stuff. But hey, it's dreary here in Pennsylvania today. But you know what? I put up a few Christmas decor today and I know you're very excited about that.
Speaker 1:I am one who believes that Christmas decor is supposed to happen after Thanksgiving, but I have been overruled in my family. That is not completely accurate.
Speaker 2:That is mainly your stance, and usually I don't put anything up until at least the week of Thanksgiving. Just depends on our schedules. But even you said, yeah, a little cheer, a little Christmas cheer, might not be so bad.
Speaker 1:I did, and.
Speaker 2:I was like, yay, I mean we just put up stuff on the mantle, it's not like we went full all out, it's okay. But I'm excited. It just makes me feel like joy and I actually realized Advent doesn't start until in December. But I love that anticipation of the coming of Jesus. I think it's just a really cool thing and I personally believe stretching that out a little longer isn't going to hurt anybody.
Speaker 1:So maybe that's a future podcast topic of how do you do Advent as a couple together? That'd be interesting.
Speaker 2:I'm going to say we've done it as a family. I don't know that we've ever done it as a couple specifically. I mean, I guess before the kids were born, we kind of did a little bit, but nothing specific, but yeah so anyways, so it's been kind of nice to have a little bit of that, bringing a little bit of light and joy on this very Monday morning here in Pennsylvania, so I don't know where you are. Hopefully it's sunny where you are Not sunny here.
Speaker 1:Maybe some of you are in my camp and are the you know. No Christmas decorations until after Thanksgiving.
Speaker 2:No, maybe some of you are in.
Speaker 1:Kate's camp of you know, it doesn't matter if it's July. It's time for Hallmark Moffies and Christmas music.
Speaker 2:Oh my word, christmas music, yes, anytime, why it's celebrating Jesus's birth. But I don't listen to it. But I still think, why would it be a problem? I mean listen into it. I wish you a Merry Christmas, like that's kind of silly.
Speaker 2:But like the ones that are about the reason we celebrate Christmas. Sure, why not? But yeah, so let's not paint me out to be super, super, like crazy, doing it in July and Hallmark movies. There's another podcast we could do, because I think there's so many thoughts out there and it's either one side or the other. So I think, as you guys listen to this podcast, we would love to know are you okay with Christmas decor before November?
Speaker 1:So there you go.
Speaker 2:You can put that up on Instagram as a survey, and see if people are pre-holiday Christmas decorators, yes, so yes, my daughter and I one of my daughters and I keep sending each other Christmas reels on Instagram. It's lovely, we're vicariously living through those houses that probably aren't decorated already, but somebody took a good video of them and so sharing it with everybody. So, anyways, yeah, so, as we were thinking about this morning, we were thinking about attraction to your spouse and how this concept of allowing your spouse, choosing your spouse, to be the one person that you kind of compare the rest of the world to and this is something I'm personally passionate about I think that it needs some more space out there to be talked about. In the marriage world of once you are married to a person, we can be really intentional about making sure that person, you look at that person, you can compare everyone else to them, not look at the world around you and does your spouse measure up? And we're talking specifically today about like attraction and finding your spouse attractive.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so we had a podcast, oh I don't know probably a year ago now, where that was on. I don't find my spouse attractive anymore and you know, I had somebody reach out from that and just kind of go yep, that's me. And admitted that they're really struggling in that area. And reality is, once we got talking a little bit about it and they admitted that it was beyond just attraction, it was more like they'd just kind of fallen out of even like of each other.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I think that that is common and I think that you're not alone. So I wanna give that a voice. But I also think wherever you are today, whether you're newly married, whether you've been married for lots of years, whether you have small kids, whatever stage you're in, you can actually make a conscious choice to decide to look at your spouse and think they are the most attractive person to you.
Speaker 1:Yes, you're right For you, and that's exactly kind of what I did with this guy is started from the beginning of what does it look like to rebuild? And starting this process of wanting to find that desire again.
Speaker 1:So I started with this reality, right, that God actually designed our thoughts of attraction to be moldable, to be flexible, and that's how it's designed to be. That's how it is from the beginning. And we actually know this. We all instinctively know this, because if you think back to the first person that you had a crush on and I'm not talking like celebrity crush, I'm talking about like school crush, kind of thing, right and I think I was in like eighth grade I can remember who that was, and the reality is I was what?
Speaker 2:like 12, 13, something like that 14, because usually like 15 going into high school.
Speaker 1:So I can remember that and I can tell you for a fact that I do not find 13 year old girls attractive anymore.
Speaker 2:Okay, well, that's a very good thing. It's an adult.
Speaker 1:Right, exactly, but at the time I thought this person was incredibly attractive. But that was and that was perfectly appropriate. So like. The reality is, you were designed at that point to think some things or some person was attractive. And as you age, as you change, that definition of attraction can change too, and that's exactly why your grandparents they can look at each other and absolutely think they are the most beautiful person in the world. And most people don't look at octogenarians and go, oh, that person's sexy. But when you're 80, you can.
Speaker 2:My word, my word did you just use.
Speaker 1:Octogenarians 80 year olds.
Speaker 2:Right, because most of us were about to say that, instead of just 80 year olds.
Speaker 1:Okay, awesome, sorry the vocabulary word of the day. So, but like this is one of those this remarkable things about how God designed us to grow and our minds to grow with us, but we recognize that sometimes it doesn't grow with us, and so that's kind of what we wanted to talk about is, how do we be intentional about some of that?
Speaker 2:Well, but also there's not like that's understandable and what you said I think is so good, and I'm not even gonna pretend to repeat the terms you've used but like that makes sense, that me, as a woman in my mid 40s and not finding someone who's in their 20s attractive and I'm not also finding someone in their 70s or 80s attractive, that makes sense. But I think most people would tell you that's not the challenge, although there is that and that could definitely be something to talk about with a therapist or a coach and learn some story of like why that could be Sure.
Speaker 1:There's different reasons for that.
Speaker 2:There's a huge age range between you and obviously only if it's appropriate ages. But but most people I think we work with that would not be.
Speaker 1:No, but I'm more just using it to show how flexible God has designed this definition of attraction for each of us.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:Right, because if it's, if it's made to be moldable, then we can look at what kind of things mold it.
Speaker 2:Sure, sure, yeah, yeah. That's interesting. I think and I want to be clear like I think this goes the gamut you you brought up the thing of, like Hollywood crushes, like to me, when you're married, you really should be this focus on each other and not finding someone anywhere more attractive or holding that person up in that regard in a way that is putting your spouse in a lower space, if that makes sense. So, whether that's someone in your community, someone online, someone totally unreachable to you, who's on a TV show or in a movie, right, we can actually make sure that our spouse is the person that gets that that top notch. That doesn't mean that you never go through life and see someone and think, wow, that's a really attractive person.
Speaker 1:No, of course we we do. God has designed us and this is a little controversial, but God's designed us to admire beauty, right, and that that extends to nature, that extends to other things. But there's a vast difference between going oh, that's somebody who's beautiful and lusting after them and desiring them and wanting to take possession of them, like those are? Those are totally opposite things.
Speaker 2:I would also say that especially we are Americans some days that's a good thing, some days it's less good and we, our brains, are very trained to a Hollywood standard of beauty and that is one thing I've always been passionate about. I love when I get to know people because I can honestly say when I truly get to know someone, I always think they're beautiful, absolutely Right, like you start to see so much about them and in their life and their appearances part of it. But I honestly look at them and think you're beautiful, not just because I know the inner them, but because I know all of them.
Speaker 1:Sure.
Speaker 2:And so I would just push against sort of that Americanized version of what beauty is, because I think it's very narrow, it's very pigeonholing in its harming so many people Like, I think, of our girls and our boys. You know, our boys are out of the home and college and our girls are still in high school, but that kind of pigeonholing of those are the only pretty people in the world.
Speaker 1:No, that's not.
Speaker 2:It's just super harmful it is. And I think but I bring it up because I think if that's your idealized thoughts, your spouse is going to be very hurt by that, because how can they ever measure up?
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:Even if they are that because we've worked with some people who. I would say are sort of the idealized version. They actually aren't any more secure in themselves.
Speaker 1:Not at all, then not at all.
Speaker 2:I don't know, even I hate categorizing people, but you're average person like us.
Speaker 1:Well and this goes into man, a whole different area. I wasn't sure if we were going to get into this or not, but one of the things I do with a lot of people, a lot of guys that I work with, who have unwanted sexual behaviors.
Speaker 1:we will talk about their unwanted arousal template Like this is the stuff that they're looking for in, you know, whether it's porn, whether it's affairs or those kind of things and the characteristics of that. And here's what's amazing and this actually goes to why I enjoy doing this as a group Because everyone that I have worked with who has unwanted arousal or unwanted sexual behaviors has an arousal template that they know. They've thought about it for a long time, but what they've never realized is that arousal template was created out of trauma in their life. And when we do this as a group, we actually had, you know, talk about it. We share, we're open with what those are after, we've been open with what some of our trauma stories are.
Speaker 1:And the other people in the group literally sit there and go. Well, duh, of course that's what you're looking for. Look at what your trauma was and they can point it out where it's tough to see it for yourself. But honestly, what ends up happening is the group goes. Oh, that makes a perfect sense of why you would look for that, and then they go. Well, I guess mine might make sense too.
Speaker 2:Right and they have to kind of look deeper.
Speaker 1:I'm saying that because you know that's part of this abnormal looking at beauty or looking at, you know, american idealized kind of thing that may have nothing to do with attraction that may have to do with trauma.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Right and that may be part of this overall thing of attraction that we need to look at and, honestly, when I'm talking about unwanted arousal templates, we actually also talk about wanted, desired arousal templates that are much more healthy and they should be the characters and even appearance of your spouse.
Speaker 2:Yeah, Right. So in terms of thinking through attraction, it really is like, obviously for most people you were attracted to your spouse when you met them right Right. So something was attractive to you. Although we've heard some stories where that's not the case, I do think that is something to be cautious of. God did design us to be attracted to our spouse. You don't always have it, doesn't always have to be a physical attraction to start, but there should be some aspect of physical attraction.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:It's a physical part of their relationship. So, that being said, there are lots of times that, through our previous podcast and such, that people will express struggling with attraction towards their spouse, and that is something that I think many couples go through to some extent.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think it normally comes around that time of empty nest of you. Know that we normally.
Speaker 2:Oh, I think it can be. That's interesting. I think it could be at any life change.
Speaker 1:Yes, okay, and that's where I was kind of going. I think it is often around life change times.
Speaker 2:Right that, or I think we also see it when you start to realize you're married and you're living with this person and Everything is not as peachy and perfect as you thought it was going to be.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:And so then it's really easy to look at other people both physical attraction and or seeing other people and comparing Correct, because lots of times we hear from spouses to like, oh, I wish my wife would be like my best friend's wife, or I wish my husband would be like my friend's husband, right, and we start to compare in lots of different ways when we are reaching a stage of potential discontent.
Speaker 1:Correct. No, I think that's a really good point. That discontent is there and it probably surfaces maybe more for guys in this area of attraction, where women may be picking out other things but kind of attraction comes right along with it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I don't know. I don't know that that's a fair thing to say, because I do not want to pigeonhole women Like I think. I think maybe it's less spoken of. Maybe Because the church has typically spoken of men as being visual and women not, so I really think we just speak to the crowd in general. That it's right. It's identifying what's going on. Why is this all of a sudden becoming a thing where we're looking to other people to and being like, oh wow, you know, they're kind of what I want.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:Why are we looking to get other people to look at us, all of those kinds of things that can start letting us know like there's something going on, there's discontent, there's something, and. But I would really suggest that you, before we get there or maybe you find yourselves there already you really, really really can choose, like, this person is who I'm going to compare the rest of the world to, and it's going to be a process, right, because you're still going to see other people. You're still going to hear about some amazing husband in your church who does everything the way you think husband should do it, or vice versa with a wife, and you're going to have that opportunity where you're like, wow, I really wish my husband was like that.
Speaker 1:So I agree, and one of the things that we've said for a long time is that you and I have worked really hard to make each other the model of attraction Right, and that means in all practical senses right, like when we are walking around somewhere. If somebody catches my eye, my honest first thought is, oh, how do they look? Like Kate? And often there are some features that are very similar that she that looks like amazing in general.
Speaker 1:And sometimes I will point out and go, oh look, that person has very similar hair to you, or oh, look, that you know, and we'll kind of mention that because something caught my eye that looks like her and I think she's beautiful.
Speaker 2:Thank you.
Speaker 1:So like that's kind of what we mean is developing that, of course, absolutely is developing that thought pattern Right and I'll give you an easy example.
Speaker 2:Brad will love that I'm going with this one.
Speaker 2:I know exactly what you're going to say Since, since Brad has less hair than when we got married, you know he he chose to shave his head and I was like that's fine, that work, like I think you're attractive, no matter what. I find that when I notice people in a crowd, it's usually guys with shaved heads, because you've been shaving your head for a number of years now, and it's not like I'm looking for those guys, but they catch my attention because I have made you like you are the standard of what I think handsome is and that so like that kind of reflects on what we're saying, that's right.
Speaker 2:And I'll always be like, oh yep, no wonder that guy caught my eye, like he has a set shaved and, honestly, usually don't give the guy a second look most times. Well, and sometimes maybe I am actually looking for you and then I'm like, oh yeah, that's not him. But right, so we can decide that our spouse is the most attractive person to us. I totally agree and work towards that and Be intentional with that right, and I don't.
Speaker 1:You may be listening to this and go. I'm not there right now, but I'd like to be hmm, what do we do?
Speaker 2:Yeah, start, honestly. I mean, I don't know, you probably have some practical five-step plan, but honestly I think it really is just making a commitment to that and starting to look at your spouse and see the beauty.
Speaker 1:Sure, I think that's really good.
Speaker 2:I start to get to know people I'm like wow, this person is beautiful, like, and you can do that too. Of course your spouse has quirks and things you don't Like or they kind of rub you the wrong way at some point. That would be with anybody we lived with yeah, I think and okay, so you're.
Speaker 1:You're one of like look at this person and go what is it that I find attractive about them? What can I enjoy? I actually would put a step two, step one backwards, yes, since I have a five-point plan. Now Would be like really be cautious about what the negative thoughts are that are going around in your head hmm, and. Really work on squashing some of those negative thoughts.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's good. All right, Sometimes your five-point plan, because those negative thoughts, kind of undercut.
Speaker 1:Yeah a lot of other things. Yeah right and look. We all have times where we're not that attractive, whether it's first thing in the morning or Just worked out, or been working in the garden all day. Maybe we're gorgeous at that time, maybe we're not, but I would say in this step two, like Kate was saying, is look for. What are the things that attracted to you this, attracted this person to you in the first place? And how do you just see them again?
Speaker 2:It with fresh eyes well, and you say that, but I think to myself, once you've done this for a long time, I don't even think like that. No, I don't know when they're like in the morning or I Don't know, you've just come in from doing lawn work or something, but I Would look the same way like I just don't.
Speaker 1:It starts to that kind of go deeper starts to go away.
Speaker 2:Yes, I right and there is also. It is going to benefit you greatly because then there is a comfort level. Not Brad and I actually try to look nice for each other. Often it's not the comfort level, we just don't. But there is a comfort level of you can see me in the morning and it's not a big deal. I don't have to make myself look like I didn't just wake up. I don't know, I have curly hair, so that's okay.
Speaker 2:but I'm not an option for me Not to just wake up and look a little scary.
Speaker 1:I love your curly hair, so I'm gonna push on the one thing that I do hear from people. We've heard this from both genders at times that it's like I want to find my husband, or I want to find my wife attractive, but they Don't shower that much, or they aren't taking care of themselves as well as they used to, or they don't Do anything to look attractive anymore. How do you like, how do we want, to talk about the other side of that?
Speaker 2:I would say, if you've worked hard to cultivate a relationship where there is huge trust, you could potentially Bring up some of those topics. But I'm gonna say, if things are not where you want them to be, none of those topics being brought up are gonna be beneficial. You're just going to hurt your spouse. And there are different things there not showering enough, that could be in, you know, like bringing that up For one reason, but that can be very different than you, don't, right? Like they're kind of a bunch of different issues. And my whole thing is Think about your teenagers, right, it's different. You do hopefully walk a line carefully of wanting to help them understand but also wanting them to still feel your love, and we shouldn't think any differently with our spouse.
Speaker 1:Right, so you're saying when your teenager or whatever stopped showering you, going, sweetie, I love you so much but you kind of stink right now Is is something you have to say very carefully yeah, and I think that's, I think that's a really good point. Right, we can't turn off those things, but we need to say it with love and compassion and care. So I think there's a good balance that we need to talk about in that space.
Speaker 2:The other thing I thought would be really important to just add Is, if you find yourself in the discontent place, like you just said, I think it's really important to ask yourself like what are you taking in? What are you allowing yourself to take in constantly that maybe is perpetuating it?
Speaker 2:Absolutely right, I mean no offense, but American TV today, movies out there, they're even just heading places where, like, it can sort of be a place for you to just sort of ruminate on my spouse, isn't that? Isn't? I'm not talking about modesty, I'm not talking about how people should dress. That's actually not where I'm going with that. I'm just saying there's lots of opportunities For you to fill yourself with what you think you're somehow missing good point.
Speaker 1:No, that's a really good point and I do think this is important to have a filter on our brains, right, like mm-hmm, what's coming in does modify what we think is attractive, and you know advertisers know this Right like they, they utilize those attractive bodies to sell you things, right because they catch your eye and you can help to change that by making sure you're actually looking at each other.
Speaker 1:Your eyes are going to your spouse and, right, that's our first challenge, right? Yes, think about your thinking. Get rid of some of the negatives, work on picking out some of the the positive things about your spouse and remembering. What you found beautiful once before and bring back that to memory, and it's going to take a while of doing that. And Then I would say, third, spend time looking at each other, right when I think a lot of times spouses go through life.
Speaker 2:Mm-hmm.
Speaker 1:They don't actually look at each other. When's the last time you sat for more than a minute and looked into each other's eyes and talked to each other and actually cared about Looking at this person that you love?
Speaker 2:Are you counting this podcast time as our looking to each other's eyes? No, I was just curious. Often sit across the table look at each other and talk at each other. How many times do we look and stare at each other?
Speaker 1:I mean I enjoy having you across the table and looking at you it's usually over dinner. I would say that we get a chance to do that, but we're super intentional with our time.
Speaker 2:I just don't know about just staring at each other, but I think you bring up a good point, but you and I have also worked really hard at this and absolutely, when I think about it, I think don't I want Brad to do that for me? Don't I want him to love me in that way? Where he has worked intentionally I don't want to say hard, that sounds like a bad word but he's been super intentional to make me the standard of beauty that he sees Right Don't.
Speaker 2:I want right Like don't. I want him to do that with me, I want to do that with him. I want to have that same him, to have that same security in that I'm not looking around for other guys, whether that's out and about or watching a TV show, like I'm just not, and I'm trying to cultivate that for him so that we have a relationship that is super confident and comfortable.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I agree, and so I think that's that's really an important thing that grows and can really move you into this place of of still becoming one right Like, of daily working towards closeness together. So, yeah, we encourage you to spend some time thinking and talking about this together and looking at each other's eyes. Hey there's all kinds of dopamine and oxytocin that happens from eye contact.
Speaker 1:So you go guys go ahead and look in, look deeply into your spouse's eyes, love it, so I hope you enjoyed that. We'd love to hear from you. Stop by our Instagram or Facebook and say hi and let us know what you think, and we will be back next week with even more. And that's all for this week on still becoming one. Until next time. I'm Brad Aldrich.
Speaker 2:I'm Kate Aldrich. Be kind and take care of each other.
Speaker 1:Still Becoming One is a production of Aldrich Ministries. For more information about Brad and Cade's coaching ministry courses and speaking opportunities, you can find us at aldrichministriescom. For podcast show notes and links to resources and all of our social media. Be sure to visit us at stillbecomingonecom and don't forget to like this episode wherever you get your podcast, and be sure to follow us to continue your journey on still becoming one.