Have you ever thought about what it really means to be your spouse's biggest fan? This episode was more of a challenge than we thought! We will take you on an intimate journey through the highs and lows, joys and pains of our marital journey. Our candid conversation will make you rethink what it means to truly support your spouse, not just in words but in deeds and understanding. Is there a gender difference? Is this related to personality? Is this a core where couples often miss each other? Take a listen and see what you think!
Have you ever thought about what it really means to be your spouse's biggest fan? This episode was more of a challenge than we thought! We will take you on an intimate journey through the highs and lows, joys and pains of our marital journey. Our candid conversation will make you rethink what it means to truly support your spouse, not just in words but in deeds and understanding. Is there a gender difference? Is this related to personality? Is this a core where couples often miss each other? Take a listen and see what you think!
Welcome to the Still Becoming One podcast.
Speaker 2:We are Brad and Kate and our more than 20 years of marriage. We've survived both dark times and experienced restoration.
Speaker 1:Now as a licensed marriage counselor and relationship coaches. We help couples to regain hope and joy.
Speaker 2:We invite you to journey with us, as we are Still Becoming One.
Speaker 1:Let's start the conversation. Hello everyone, and welcome back to Still Becoming One.
Speaker 2:Yeah, welcome back. It's been a while. It feels like it's been a while.
Speaker 1:It has been a couple of weeks. We took a little bit of a hiatus.
Speaker 2:Right, we took a hiatus. How much of it was because we wanted to take a hiatus? There were lots of things.
Speaker 1:There were lots of things. It's been a couple of weeks and as much as Kate and I try to get ahead with our recording, and we occasionally do, it doesn't last very long, that's for sure. So we can then get relatively close to our deadlines and then when stuff comes up, well it doesn't happen.
Speaker 2:Yeah, this is our state in life right now, and there will be a time in the not too distant future that's not the case, but it is, and it just it is what it is. So we are where we are.
Speaker 1:We are and that's okay, and some of it was a incredible busyness that I remind myself. Every year happens it right before, usually right before Thanksgiving and right before Christmas, when we get a flood of people that we've worked with coming back and going. Wait, I have to deal with the reality of going home or having people over having people over or the memory of a parent who's gone or like all those kind of things. So it just seems, the very beginning of November seems to be swamped, always, always, yeah.
Speaker 2:And that's why I think it was this past Sunday. Yes, it was, we had. We share some of our vaulted podcast I don't know what you call them in the past.
Speaker 1:Archived.
Speaker 2:There you go, archived, vaulted. It sounded very like they're never coming out. We're like Disney they're coming out of the vault. Anyways, we shared one last Sunday about like figuring out the holidays. So if that is you and you find that you know you're asking those questions of how are you going to get through this, what's it going to look like? How do I manage my own emotions alongside of people who maybe aren't all of?
Speaker 1:those things yeah.
Speaker 2:Check out that podcast.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you can check us out on Instagram or Facebook and get those links, as well as visiting our website, stillbecomingonecom. Yes, and check us out there as well.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:But that wasn't the only reason that we didn't have a couple episodes in a row here.
Speaker 2:Yeah, well, we had come up with this idea and it's one that we've written, we previously wrote on when we had our blog. But we found ourselves really wrestling with the subject between the two of us and what we actually felt it meant, and that got confusing and we were we kind of had to sit it down for a while and process it again, and then sit it down for a while and process it again.
Speaker 1:Well, we had a whole episode recorded that we decided was not what we ended up wanting to say.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, I forgot about that as well. Well, no, I don't think it's not what we wanted to say. I think we were just we were both a little frustrated with each other's perspective, and we always want to be honest about that with y'all. Like it's not like we're afraid to say it, but we were just frustrated with each other. So it was. It definitely was not our most beautiful podcast.
Speaker 1:Right. So rather than ignoring the topic, which would be much easier, we're going to do it again.
Speaker 2:And see what happens. And I know you're all curious like you want to hear the other one, but I think it's gone forever, right?
Speaker 1:It is gone, yes, I mean it's somewhere in the archive, but no, it's gone. So, yeah, and what's interesting is this is, I think, on its surface not a very heavy topic, but I think in our discussion we recognize just how heavy it is for both of us in our lives and, honestly, I think why we keep coming back to it is because I do see this as a challenge for many, many couples.
Speaker 2:Well, and I I'll be interested to see if if other people, as couples, are listening to it and realize that it is more of an emotional topic than people realize that there are different thoughts on it and the emotions that that brings, Like I don't want to say a charged, it's not like it's a charged angry topic, but I think that I think it can get there.
Speaker 2:I think it can get there, but I think it's just way more emotional than we may give credit to, and so I don't know. It'll be interesting to see if there are similar conversations out there to ours.
Speaker 1:So everyone's already, you know, read the title and probably re-looking at it and going wait, how is this a charged topic? Right? Because given the title of how do you be your spouse's biggest fan, right? That sounds very neutral and cheerleader-y and positive.
Speaker 2:Sure, I'm not sure about the cheerleader-y part. I mean, I get the imagery, but yeah, but it'll be interesting and maybe it is just you and I?
Speaker 1:I don't think so, and that's why I think we kept coming back to this of like.
Speaker 1:These are themes that I think, are important because I know when I work with guys and they get honest. I think this is something that is sometimes missing and, honestly, I am totally aware that it's missing on both sides, right, and so it's not just, oh, his perspective is missing or something like that. I think it really we miss each other in in this place and that was some of our conversation of like, oh, maybe there's, maybe there's ways, because we've looked at this differently, that we've missed each other.
Speaker 2:Yeah. So the whole concept of being your spouse's biggest fan, which we have sort of touted for a long time because I really do want to be Brad's biggest fan I don't want anybody else in that slot. I want not only do I want the space to do that, but I want to be the one who is cheering him on in life the most. Yeah.
Speaker 2:So right, so that being the concept of what we're talking about. And so what does it look like and we were kind of wrestling with? Are there gender differences? Is it, is that pigeonholing it, that it's gender differences, or is it just personality differences? So probably above right, so we're gonna we're gonna try and tackle that and honestly.
Speaker 1:Kate and I went back to this definition of what does it mean to be the biggest fan for your spouse multiple times in our conversation, because it does seem to be this place that we maybe had different views of what that looked like. So, yeah, really, I think you know I'm be curious of what people are thinking when they think, okay, I'm my wife's biggest fan, or I'm my husband's biggest fan what what does that practically mean? Right, because it's easy to say right and I think in my mind it's their biggest supporter their biggest champion their encourager, like all of those things.
Speaker 1:I think you would put a probably a few different adjectives there.
Speaker 2:Well, I think that I would say all of that and then also like do you love who they are and love who they're not right? So all the things they are, the quirks, the specifics of that person in their likes and dislikes, and not just likes and dislikes, but just who God has made them. Are you supportive of those things? Do you know those things and how do you come alongside of them? But I think you asked the question or you said, like, what would people say? Like, are there there's spouses biggest fan? Like what does that look like? But then I think there's the follow-up question that we really explored over these last two weeks of trying to wrestle with ourselves of does your spouse?
Speaker 1:then think that that is right. Think that's the same that.
Speaker 2:That is actually you're hitting the mark for the most part. Obviously, we're not trying to discourage anybody. No, come down on anybody, but does. Is that actually what your spouse needs in you being their biggest fan?
Speaker 1:yeah, no, exactly right, and that's where our challenge was. And I'll kind of go forward and and say I really put out there a gender thing which we'll get into the gender side of this in a minute but of I think most men desire their wife to be their biggest fan around their career and to be the one person usually in their life who is holding and joining them in their process of dreaming of growth, of encouragement of what they are doing in their career field and walk, and that when a spouse can come alongside and know those things and be their encourager in that space it is it's a huge gift and so I kind of put out there I think most men want this and that started well, honestly, two different conversations of.
Speaker 1:Is really that all there is to being a biggest fan for a guy and on the other side of, like, hey, wait a minute, that's completely unfair to women right.
Speaker 2:Well, I just feel there's a broader scope to it and I think that's important and I think I have not always walked that well, but I have for a long time now come alongside you and those things and made space for that and being your biggest fan and all of that and dreaming. But I also know you have dreams that don't have anything to do with work career, and so I just see a broader scope of that and I would just be sad to me for men, if that is the case, to feel like that's all they're chalked up to.
Speaker 1:And yet, you know it's interesting, of the last you know month, I've had several clients that I've talked to who are approaching or entering retirement, and that conversation has been a predominant thing that I've been having with them, and maybe this is why I'm thinking this of like these guys who, for the last 30 or 40 years, have been dreaming, holding on to this part of their identity of work that now that is ending and them having to kind of go. Okay, what else is there? What is my identity?
Speaker 2:Sure, I think this brought in the other part for us. For many women who have had the experience of a family, that is when they start to say what is my purpose? Right, and I think for I can only speak for wives who have a family and I don't want to not be sensitive to people who want that and that's been really hard to have for whatever reason. But I know for me you say that and you're like oh, I really want to support your dreams and stuff and I'm sitting here thinking I don't have that.
Speaker 1:That you don't have space to drawing in terms of your career. I do.
Speaker 2:But yes, my career has been set aside for years because we chose that together and that's not a place for me. That is unresolved or upset, but I don't want to be supported in that because I don't have it and I think you saying that, like men approach retirement and now they're like what next? I know a lot of moms who have felt that way when the last one moves out, like absolutely what next Right?
Speaker 2:So it's not. We have it too, but it looks very different and I think traditionally a lot of times in a husband and wife situation, the husband's career is what's supported, for many different reasons. That's not always the case in the United States anymore. Some women are the main breadwinner and dad is more of the caregiver and whatnot. So this can actually be reversed and I would love to actually hear from people who it has what your experience has been, if that still lines up or if it is very situational, based on what you've chosen for how your family looks. But so then it's like okay, so then how does it look for you to be my biggest fan if I don't really have a career? And I mean we say that, understanding that I do work for Aldrich Ministries, I do do coaching and story work with people and that has been a really amazing thing. But it's more recent and I still constantly feel the pull and I we have said like there's no space for me to go full time while we still have kids in the home.
Speaker 1:Sure, so like I feel a very big pull between my life of like I don't know what is my, I don't know what right Like, and I kept coming back to this place of you know I can, I can hear that I can recognize it and I even talked about many times in our journey when we would have close, intimate dreaming conversations, that I would come back to the what are your dreams where you want to go, kind of thing, in that same kind of idea.
Speaker 2:And mine is usually I want to go on vacation.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:That's my dream Not real.
Speaker 1:not only I don't want to, I don't want to pigeon that, but I think you did admit it's tough for you to dream that way.
Speaker 2:Well I think when you would say, you know I've I've had a lot of side things I've done while our kids are growing up. Do you want to expand that? Do you want to grow that? That just feels like pressure, right, Because I'm actually mainly trying to be an at-home mom and provide that space for our kids and, as you all know, listening like the last couple years that's been a really all-consuming mental space with having a kiddo with significant extra needs and challenges.
Speaker 1:So I don't really currently feel the space to even dream much Right, but that realization right that in our conversation about this topic, that my asking you about your dreams and especially about, like some of the side businesses or side things that you've done and my encouragement in those side things has come off as pressure. Correct.
Speaker 1:Rather than for me, it was intended to come off as hey, how can I help you chase your dreams? It was intended on how do I do exactly this being your biggest fan thing. Because I think, for me, that place of hearing and, you know, holding dreams, even if they're a far way off, even if they're not things that we can do right now, like we have some of those, like you know, some of my vision of where I would like to go in 10 years, and because I hold, like I talk about those things and you're like literally the only person in my life that holds those with me, and that, to me, is exactly what it feels like to be my biggest fan.
Speaker 1:Like of like being able to dream like that with you and actually have the excitement of the potential of those things, even if they're a long way off, and so I think there are times that I've tried to do that same thing with you and in your life stage, and also, I think, personality. It comes off as pressure. Yeah. Which is obviously not what I'm intending.
Speaker 2:Right and so for no, and I acknowledge that you're not intending it and I think through our conversations of processing this, I definitely recognize that I felt it as pressure, but it was never to a point where I was upset or it was frustrating me. But I think the things that I've learned right now in our life stage what our family looks like are you being recognizing the things that are very me, that actually give me space to be me and support them, even if they're not something you enjoy or like. That's where I feel I need the biggest fan part in my life and while, yes, my dreams and and what not are important, I don't know, for me that's not nearly as significant of a support that I need in my life right now. Yeah.
Speaker 2:And so it. This is the challenge that I have, though, with talking about it with yours and mine, mine, mine sounds very shallow.
Speaker 1:No, it, it really doesn't, and that's where I needed to come back, because I think when we were talking about them, I did make them shallow by saying so you need me to see your hobbies, and and that is so much more than that.
Speaker 2:I think it's likes. Let's call it likes and dislikes. Right exactly, it's not hobbies.
Speaker 1:And that's what I wanted to get to is I think I think I was dismissing it in that place of like. So you need me to encourage you in those hobby things, and it's not that it is seeing you in the places where you're finding joy and seeing the things that are absolutely draining you right now Right. And being in recognizing those.
Speaker 2:Yes and I. It'll be interesting to see as as listeners, like if you can relate to that, if not, I don't know. So yeah, because you know I don't know if I've said this on here, but I probably should have many times over I absolutely do not like cooking at all, so, like if you didn't recognize okay, well, I mean it is, it is something I mean. These children, they do want meals several times a day, and so it is a skill that's like required.
Speaker 1:And our college boys came home and all of a sudden it's like, oh wow, a lot more food.
Speaker 2:I was like oh, I actually have to have a large amount of food in the house. I've kind of gotten out of that with just the girls at home. But right, like if, if you didn't recognize and honor that, that would be hard for me, right, not not that again, it is something I have to do several times a week, but Brad is wonderful and will sometimes step up and do it. But if you didn't like honor that, that is something I don't enjoy and just kind of hold that space with me, that would be really discouraging to me and sad, and it's just a personality thing and it's just a preference, and so that's kind of what I encompass for holding this space with each other. But I do think people's dreams are a huge part of that and their careers, whatever that looks like for you. And I guess it's just been so long since I've been out of that space, mainly other than working with all church ministries, that it just is like a place we haven't engaged. I haven't engaged for myself in a long time.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, and you know, I don't know how much of this is gendered by culture and gendered by, well, genesis chapter three, right, like so. Genesis chapter three, if you don't know, is where God basically kind of gives a curse to men and women based on what happened in the garden, and they're different, like the curses for men and the curses for women are different. And if you read those.
Speaker 1:You do see some of this discussion right Like that. That in women there is more of an emphasis on the relationships that they will be managing for lack of a better word for their life. And for men it is more on the effort that it will take to bring food into the home again.
Speaker 2:And cook it.
Speaker 1:I think, I think there was oh, that was it yeah.
Speaker 2:God was saying you will toil and cook it every single day.
Speaker 1:Huh, that's interesting.
Speaker 2:I know, isn't that? I feel like that is a revelation we should take out and live out.
Speaker 1:I do at times talk with guys about like hey, you know, there is something here for us to recognize that we are more geared toward seeing in our career and we do probably find more identity in that space or in the space of what we do. It doesn't actually have to be what you are paid for. Sure.
Speaker 1:Right. I know people who find their identity in a volunteer position that they adore, or their passion, Right their passion, but I think men are slightly more geared towards that being their core identity and women slightly more geared towards their family relationships being a core identity. And-.
Speaker 1:And I think that kind of comes in here where I'm realizing in this conversation you know that probably as we've stopped and dreamed together which has been an important part of intimacy for us and I think for every couple that when those things happen, I think I lean in with you on your career and I probably need to do a better job of leaning in on the things that are that shape who you are, the things that you are passionate about and even the things that are overwhelming you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think also it really is situational to what life looks like, because I think this is going to sound crazy, but for me right now it's a lot of what gives me space to breathe and feel rested and, yeah, just a space to be me completely, and I honor that. That is probably due to our family makeup currently. I didn't always feel that way with our family when we just had three kids and we raised most of them from very young age, so I do want to honor that. Some of this may seem very situational, but I think it makes sense to bring that in because I think other people could potentially relate. I have several clients who have kids with extra needs and I do wonder how much of the support they want from their spouse really does have to do with finding space to breathe and to sort of relax in a way. So I honor that. I also don't know what it will look like in a couple years when everyone has graduated and is doing something post high school.
Speaker 2:What, what if I will have a shift and I will want to dream again about what that looks like and I do, it's just not the place I feel the most support needed.
Speaker 1:I want to make sure that we have done a good job of describing, maybe, this other side of being your spouse's biggest fan. I think it's pretty easy. I think it's easy to get your head around. Ok, what does it mean to honor a spouse's career and dreams and passions and and listening to those? So that is one side of it, but there is this other side that you've been been saying. What's really important is knowing and seeing the places that somebody is finding life and the places that are draining them. Yeah.
Speaker 1:So what does it mean to be the biggest fan in that?
Speaker 2:I think I think it's. We've also talked about like studying your spouse and I think that's a huge part of it, but it's just coming alongside of that and knowing it, because I do think that speaks to an intimacy level. I talk with wives more than husbands, but, and you and I meet with couples, but I do find there are lots of times they feel not seen, yeah, and I don't even think my husband knows what I enjoy. I don't even think my wife knows Right, like that level. And so I just think it starts with being a student of your spouse. And we used to say like if you had twenty dollars, do you know what would bless your spouse the most?
Speaker 2:And that doesn't necessarily mean you have to buy a product. It could mean you hire a babysitter for two hours. It's probably all you're going to get for twenty bucks. But, like it right, it doesn't mean you're buying them something. But what would bless them the most in that moment? And I think knowing some of those answers is important. I recognize for you it's not as important.
Speaker 1:But it's the same idea of what is it and how do you see your spouse? I talk to guys all the time that feel like they cannot really come home and talk much about their day or what they're excited about the new project that they're working on at work or like they feel like they can't do that because that's somehow, you know, disrespectful for what's going on, and there is this tension of honestly. I think these are the places where often people end up feeling unseen.
Speaker 2:When you say disrespected, you mean disrespectful of talking about their work environment in a way they shouldn't, or disrespectful because of the work their wife is doing at home.
Speaker 1:Disrespectful of, yeah, the work and the time the wife is doing at home. Ok. And that sometimes coming in and look, I totally get this and we're going to go back to toddler ages here.
Speaker 2:Like I remember no, we're not.
Speaker 1:But we're going to talk about toddler ages. Like I remember you saying, I'm just envious that you get to go to the bathroom by yourself.
Speaker 2:And eat lunch Right, and eat lunch by yourself.
Speaker 1:And I totally, I do understand that right, I do understand that space, but that that idea of, like you're getting to do something I'm not makes it hard to then go. Oh, I'm really excited about this, like right, because we want to join you in in the hard place too.
Speaker 2:But it's not. It's not envious that you were getting to do something. I wasn't. It's it is more envious that you get a break.
Speaker 1:Yeah, right, of course, of course.
Speaker 2:The work life is different, but at the same time, I would often acknowledge I the stress of providing for our family. Well gosh, I didn't really want that, like I couldn't have imagined walking in that space all those years. I think the challenges and I hear we hear this all the time when we're sitting with couples, you know the husband wants to share about his work day, but then there's this back and forth of like you know I worked, this was hard, this was what's happening, it's a lot, and the wife who is home. We're talking about families where the wife is home. So if there's not the situation like but I imagine it happens even with two working, right.
Speaker 2:It then becomes well. My day was like this, because it can be like the space of like. Well, I want you to know I'm working as hard too. Life is as hard, and this is the toil part, right? Yeah. But I know that many wives struggle, who stay home with feeling like they're staying home with the kids all day does not measure up to his work all day.
Speaker 1:This is getting off on another subject so I'm not sure we want to go down that road.
Speaker 2:But wives say that to me all the time and I struggled with it Like, oh, I am literally at home. We are literally surviving life and playing and not really accomplishing much when they're super small, so I'm not actually doing anything, right?
Speaker 1:But you are.
Speaker 2:Oh, totally. I mean, our kids have survived to teenagers. I kept them all alive. I think that was epic.
Speaker 1:That's done a whole lot more than kept them alive. So like you are doing an immense amount Correct and I never want to minimize that reality?
Speaker 3:Oh no, stay at home parents Like they're doing a ton.
Speaker 2:But I'm talking about the mental struggle and that then becomes the back and forth, right. So then we just don't talk about it at all. Or maybe it does happen that the wives get to sort of vent about being home with the toddlers all day, because they are well our toddlers together. But it shouldn't and it really should be. Let me hear about your day. Let me hear about like we should both be able to hear each other's day for the most part.
Speaker 1:I agree, I agree. I think that would be one of the outcomes I would love to see about. This is being your spouse's fan, is being willing to join them in wherever they're at Right and being willing to hold those important places in their heart, because you are probably the only one in their life who has the opportunity to to actually see them in that way.
Speaker 2:Well, I think for moms there can be support, like I know, the moms groups I went to are super helpful when the kids were little. But there aren't. There aren't dad's groups to go to and I'm not sure you guys would share if you did, but that's a whole nother topic as well.
Speaker 1:That's a different topic, but I think, but yes there, but it's more than just share the struggle right. It is share the things that are giving you life and the things that are draining and and honestly I think that is a good description of what it means to be your spouse's biggest fan is. Do you know what those are and do you have space to hold both of them?
Speaker 2:Right, and how would you hold them and come alongside them?
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:With them.
Speaker 1:Yeah, exactly so. I think that's. That's a important journey, important conversation on what sounded like a really simple topic, but I think opens up a place where a lot of wounding can actually happen. Yeah, and it's really easy to miss each other.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And cause Kate and I missed each other for a couple of weeks as we were sorting this one out.
Speaker 2:We missed each other. We were just wrestling with it and it wasn't. It wasn't in a place where it just we were just able to understand each other super fast. But this is the whole point of why we sit down with couples and do the podcast because it is worth doing. It is worth trying to figure out and trying to understand each other so that we can love each other better.
Speaker 1:That's right. And look, we are still in the process of becoming one right. That's why we are on this journey, right, and we love the journey and we're constantly trying to learn from each other and how do we grow towards each other. Yeah, for sure, we hope that you're continuing on that journey as well. And we hope that you have a really wonderful week and we will see you again next week. Let's hope Until next time Still becoming one. I'm Brad Aldrich.
Speaker 2:And I'm Kate Aldrich. Be kind and take care of each other.
Speaker 1:Still becoming one is a production of Aldrich Ministries. For more information about Brad and Kate's coaching ministry courses and speaking opportunities, you can find us at aldrichministriescom. For podcast show notes and links to resources in all of our social media. Be sure to visit us at stillbecomingonecom and don't forget to like this episode wherever you get your podcasts, and be sure to follow us to continue your journey on Still Becoming One.