Welcome to our marriage and parenting series. This week, we tackle the challenge of adjusting your marriage to pregnancy and infants! Each stage of parenting can tug at the seams of even the most resilient unions. The profound shifts in identity that come with pregnancy and how a new baby can reshape the couple's dynamic underscore the need to cling to each other as life's tides shift around us.
Welcome to our marriage and parenting series. This week, we tackle the challenge of adjusting your marriage to pregnancy and infants! Each stage of parenting can tug at the seams of even the most resilient unions. The profound shifts in identity that come with pregnancy and how a new baby can reshape the couple's dynamic underscore the need to cling to each other as life's tides shift around us.
Welcome to the Still Becoming One podcast. We are Brad and Kate.
Speaker 2:In our more than 20 years of marriage, we've survived both dark times and experienced restoration.
Speaker 1:Now as a licensed marriage counselor and relationship coaches. We help couples to regain hope and joy.
Speaker 2:We invite you to journey with us, as we are still becoming one.
Speaker 1:Let's start the conversation. Hello everyone, Welcome to Still Becoming One.
Speaker 2:Yeah, welcome back.
Speaker 1:We are glad to be back in podcasting and talking to all of you again today.
Speaker 2:It's a good day.
Speaker 1:It is. It's a little bit of a busy day, but it's a good day.
Speaker 2:And we usually do this on Monday. So it's Monday, it's a good day for a nap.
Speaker 1:Okay, we're going to try and pretend that this is lots of full energy day.
Speaker 2:Yes, 100%.
Speaker 1:Okay, are we convincing? No, not yet Okay.
Speaker 2:Are we convincing?
Speaker 1:No, not yet.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 1:No, I'm sure we're not, so we're getting there. But, is there anything we should be talking about before we dive into our fun topic?
Speaker 2:Oh, do you mean like between us?
Speaker 1:Yeah, should we flesh out anything?
Speaker 2:I don't know Right here in the middle of a Monday morning on the podcast. No, I don't think so Okay.
Speaker 1:No morning on the podcast?
Speaker 2:No, I don't think so. We had a fun weekend Our daughter. She does the musicals at her school, so we did that all weekend. She did phenomenal. It was fun.
Speaker 1:It was a lot of fun.
Speaker 2:Yep, so we're just chilling on a Monday morning.
Speaker 1:So yes, and we'll get to.
Speaker 2:I guess her level of this topic in a couple of weeks Kind of leads into what we're going to talk about.
Speaker 1:Right. So we have been kind of going through. What are things that our clients deal with on a regular basis? What? Are questions that we get from either listeners or clients.
Speaker 1:And one of the things that we do run into when we're doing marriage work with people is just the reality of their day-to-day challenges in parenting, and we've walked with so many couples through different stages of parenting and just seeing the challenges that come in each one of them and, and you know, I think we just wanted to kind of dive in and acknowledge some of the challenges that happen through this wonderful blessing of children, and yet you know they do create a level of challenge for most marriages.
Speaker 2:Mm-hmm. Yeah, and I think you know having kids is such an amazing thing, but it's such an adjustment in it. Every stage is different with your kids. So how do you keep your marriage? A focus is right, like everything we're talking about is how to make sure your marriage stays good through that.
Speaker 1:Not that parenting challenges aren't important they're great to talk about but then it's always like centering back to how are we going to stay connected, you as a couple, yeah, no, it's such an important thing and we always talk about. We see couples often showing up during stress moments in their life. Sure, right, and because it's those stress moments that bring up some of the other challenges that they've been dealing with, and one of them, for sure, is new baby.
Speaker 2:Yes, yes, yeah, you said you know. You said we want to talk about pregnancy and new baby. Yes, yes, yeah, you said you know. You said we want to talk about pregnancy and new baby. I don't, yeah, I don't. Should we talk about pregnancy first? Cause that does come first.
Speaker 1:It does right Like comes before new baby. I honestly I I think the only thing I wanted to pregnancy is it is a ton of work and change and process for the wife and it is almost none for the husband, right, it is this kind of weird thing that she is going through a lot physically and he is going through maybe some mentally, but that's about it, not a whole lot changes for him yet.
Speaker 1:And this starts a divide. That can happen and pull couples apart and we've seen that happen. Where she becomes more focused on her mission as mom, he becomes more focused on his mission of making money to support baby and it divides them.
Speaker 2:Okay, that's so interesting. Some of these things, like we, in the stages that we did these things, our marriage wasn't in the place that it is now, so it's just interesting to hear perspective about that. I think, yes, I think that there's a wide range with that of women who maybe yeah, there's just a very long continuum line where women are going to find themselves on that, and probably also for men, oh, for sure.
Speaker 1:And I want to say, like I was the guy who went to most of your appointments, I was the guy who you know was there shopping and you know buying all the baby stuff with you, because I really wanted to be involved.
Speaker 2:Actually, let's be honest, you were the one putting most of the stuff on the registry.
Speaker 1:Because some of that stuff is cool, right.
Speaker 2:That was us. I don't know how many.
Speaker 1:How many things were like. I want to play with our baby with this swing.
Speaker 2:Or that looks like a cool thing. I was like, oh, my word, we do not need all that stuff. But I want you to think about the things that guys put on the registry most babies are not going to use until they're like at least one I feel I I know where you're going with this, but I feel like you also put gadgets for like when they were little and like things you were like that's cute.
Speaker 1:You I don't I know where you're going, because I know studies show that dads connect with their babies more once they start moving yeah, they can interact more, but and I know that was true for you, but you you were also really good with our infants and well, and what they could do yeah exactly so, and I guess my point in this is, you know, usually most of the time you start with a couple who is together, who's spending a lot of time together, who are you know, working on their relationship, and then you bring in this third foreigner right like well, I'm not really a foreigner. Well, from the, from the inside, I guess right like you, bring in this third person who is very, very attached to the new mom and doesn't really need new dad for much of anything at the first stage.
Speaker 2:True, there's that bit of like. Doesn't necessarily need dad, but that doesn't mean dad can't be part of that. And I think that's yeah, I think that's a huge part of it figuring out what dad can do, because that also helps the mom all of that.
Speaker 2:Like, yes, it helps him bonding with the baby, like all of that, and it's going to help you in marriage, which is what we're focused on and that's my point right, because so often I talk to dads who feel useless at that beginning stages and they feel like well, this foreigner kind of came in and is usurping my wife and needs her for everything.
Speaker 1:And now she's exhausted and is doing all of these things and she's different and that starts this pull at the couple. That can be a real challenge to deal with. Now, I always challenge guys on that mindset, but I know where it's coming from.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we're all different, like you're not the same. But I think the challenge that I would hear in that is like the husband, the wife, the father, the mother, like everybody's different in the equation, you can't have had an infant and not be different. So, remembering that like, yes, she's different, and many times for women it's a joy and it's a grief process because those those differences are things she knew were coming. Some she didn't and it's hard, like it's hard for a lot of wives. Some really thrive, um, and just like find their niche. Some it's just like, this is really hard, I'm exhausted. All the time. There's dishes, all the time to do, right, like.
Speaker 2:I think there's the perception that like, oh, a wife wants to do all this change and wants to pull away from her husband, which I don't think is the case. But infancy really is a time when the baby cannot do anything for themselves. Correct, so it is. We have to meet them there, we have to provide for whatever that looks like. But I do think we can be creative as a husband and wife and figuring out what that looks like.
Speaker 1:And look, this is part of a change, a shift that you're going to be making together, of making a priority shift that says, hey, our infant does often need to come first, like they often need us in that way, at least for the first several months, you are focused on what does that infant need?
Speaker 1:minute by minute, hour by hour. And if you get an hour free when the baby is sleeping and you're not so exhausted that you need to rest too, then it's usually like getting a shower or maybe getting a load of laundry done. Right.
Speaker 1:Right, and this is where I think guys can actually step up a lot is you know, being a part of especially those first couple of months of really going, what needs done in order to get mom a little extra rest, in order to make sure that she is taking care of herself, getting enough food, you know all of the things that kind of go by the wayside. Honestly, is the tag team where guys need to step up.
Speaker 2:I think it's a lot of selflessness on both people's parts. The problem I think that often happens is the mom is very selfless towards the child. Dad is very selfless towards mom for the most part, and that can stir up for both people things from your story. Right, and that's why we just constantly say it's so important to know what your story is and what it brings up, because that's going to impact how you feel in that.
Speaker 1:Absolutely.
Speaker 2:Because I think a lot of men feel rejected but that's really not what your wife is doing. I realize that can start to happen in some relationships, but it's not really what's happening and those feelings are coming from earlier things that feel activated.
Speaker 1:Right and this is one of the things we do say is, during pregnancy is a really good time to be building your communication, to be building your areas of intimacy, and how do you connect well, what do each of you need? And even better if you start to understand some of your story of what's going on underneath the surface, like if you guys have a conflict, well, let's talk about what fueled it. What was the things before? Because it probably wasn't a couple of dishes in the sink. It was probably something deeper than that right.
Speaker 1:If the two of you can understand those deeper stories they're going to come out when you're under the stress of a newborn.
Speaker 2:Right, and I think that's a key thing to remember too. Whatever you find your most common emotions are that hang close to the surface. They're going to come out. I know that. You know I think I've talked about on here sometimes like my journey with anger, that it's gone in stages, but I think I really realized it when I had a kiddo who sometimes I couldn't figure out what they needed. Sure, they're still crying and you're like, oh, this is really frustrating, right? So I had to do a lot of work on myself because I realized that was. I always knew it was close to the surface. It's what my family did best and there's other reasons through my story that that was most accessible to me. But yeah, so that came out for me.
Speaker 2:But I think there's lots of things that are going to come up and make you feel helpless, make you feel incompetent make you feel you don't know what you're doing. I'm screwing this up Like all those negative things.
Speaker 1:I'm thinking about our last episode that we talked about anger. We said, you know, we have to just be aware of when we're feeling disconnected, and it's not just anger or conflict that causes that disconnection. Sometimes there's all kinds of things that do and one of those just realities of life. I'm not sure that any couple can go through the first, I'll say, three months of a newborn without feeling some level of disconnect, because there is an adjustment that's happening there. There is a place where you are making room for a third person in your relationship and it's going to be a challenge to figure out.
Speaker 1:how do we find that connection, space and you know, just reality. For the first, I'm going to say three months. At least, at least that space is pretty limited, is very limited.
Speaker 2:And I would say it's different. Like try to. This is going to sound like try to lower your expectations, but try to lower your expectations right. Like sitting next to each other, one of you with a sleeping baby on your chest, because that's the only way you can get them to sleep. Who hasn't been there and done that? And just holding hands while you're both dozing off or watching a show, like that might be the connection you get in one day, right, that may be connected.
Speaker 1:I'm not saying that should be what connection you get in one day Right, that may be connected.
Speaker 2:I'm not saying that should be what you do every day. I'm just saying look for little nuggets of connection that you can have. It's not going to look like what it used to for a little while. I'm not saying you can't get back to some of that. Some has changed forever. Some you'll be able to reestablish again. It just takes time. And yeah, and I think we should also mention those of you who've followed us for any length of time know our journey of we have two adopted kiddos and two biological kiddos, so we've also gone through the stages of pregnancy being an adoption process. One of our kiddos was adopted at three. So, toddler, but still there's a lot of attachment. You have to do a lot of all these different things, same things happened in his even though he came to us at three.
Speaker 2:It was very much like having an infant Right, yes, other than diaper changes.
Speaker 1:That was about the only thing that didn't happen.
Speaker 2:Well, and we had a language barrier which was different.
Speaker 1:But that's what you would have with a baby right, Like you'd have a language barrier you have trying to introduce food. All those kind of things were very true with him yes.
Speaker 2:So so we've just to say we've been through the different things because I know not everyone is will be able to have a birth story and do all of that. So just know that we've done different things. And then, of course, our, our last kiddo we added to the family. She joined our family at 11, wasn't adopted until later. So doing some of that was, you know, but a little bit definitely different, because you can explain to an 11 year old we're going on a date night.
Speaker 2:you're going to hang out with your siblings, like so different, totally different.
Speaker 1:So what are some survival things for the newer parents who are listening to this going okay? Yep, we're feeling disconnected. Yep, we're trying to deal with the exhaustion and we're trying to deal with, you know, just all of the dynamics that are happening. What are some survival techniques that you would suggest for these new couples?
Speaker 2:I don't know that.
Speaker 2:I'd call them survival techniques but that sounds like ominous, but I think for the moms I can speak for the moms like, just be open to good communication with your husband of what do you need, because I think that I also realize, as I meet with different wives, I think we already knew this but, like some, the things that I maybe needed that was helpful for me are not what other wives need, so like what is most helpful in the helpful realm? And then what are the ways as a mom and a wife because you're both that you can include your husband in time with the baby or young kid, whatever you're going through, and then you know how can you find moments for connection. What does that look like for you? For you, so, I think I guess in survival it's being able to actually voice what is most helpful in your needs, because if we just sit there expecting our husbands to know, that's a recipe for a lot of sadness and frustration.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I would agree, and I'm just going to say to the dads and look, I'm going to Freud, I guess here, I don't know where but I think it is just a very normal feeling that you are seeing this helpless infant who you love and adore, attach and take away an aspect of your wife and she is now giving time, attention, love, adoration you know, all of these things, including her body, to this new infant and that can feel very, I don't know. It can just feel very like you know you've been replaced. I think a lot of guys wrestle with that feeling of like they've been replaced.
Speaker 1:Their wife doesn't need them anymore. Their wife doesn't really want to pay attention to them and they start getting super selfish. And so guys start acting in this way to almost get their wife's attention, and it doesn't help. You are smirking at me and I'm just going like okay, man, what memories am I digging up of? How bad was I at that age.
Speaker 2:It's tough, Like I don't want to not hold what you're saying. I just think that's where a lot of the tension comes, because the wife is sitting there thinking I don't have time to be selfish.
Speaker 1:Exactly right.
Speaker 2:And I have a baby that needs everything from me, and now my husband is acting like you know, like he has, like that can create a really bad storm, because and again, I want to hold what you're saying, but I think that is rooted in your story. Yeah, of course it is.
Speaker 1:I think most guys have this deep need to be needed, this deep need to be appreciated, this deep need to be acknowledged, right? Like that often does not happen to them as boys, and so they carry that. And then they find somebody who loves them, pays attention to them, wants to talk to them when they get home from work, and then all of a sudden, all of that stops, and I'm not meaning that in a bad way. Right, her focus is now on keeping this infant alive and, I think, most young guys in this place.
Speaker 1:Seeing an infant with their wife feel out of place. Seeing an infant with their wife feel out of place feel useless. They can, you know, clean up around the house and do some laundry, but still feel relatively useless.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, and I want to honor that. I think that be aware and try to figure out for yourself how, how and why that's there and what you're going to do. Same for the wives who have stuff coming up. Like I definitely had stuff coming up, you know. I, like I said, an anger and control issues. Well, that's not going to go well with an infant, right? Like I had to figure out how to remain calm and understand that I couldn't always get this kiddo to do what I was hoping they would do.
Speaker 2:But yeah, I think just be aware, because that, as I said, is a perfect storm for then the wife continuing and this would be part of her story, and this isn't okay either continuing to just find her comfort and connection with the infant.
Speaker 1:Right, Right, so like and needs to. And guys, you need to be figuring out how to connect with that infant too, right? Like that you need to be, you know, doing as much as you can. If feeding is an option, make sure you're doing some of it. If it's not an option, make sure you're doing some of the after feeding things that need to be done while your wife is taking care of herself.
Speaker 1:You know, be that one who is getting up in the middle of the night you know, getting the baby, changing it, getting it to your wife to feed if that's what's going on and then helping at the end. That engagement so matters because that is pushing back on that useless feeling by doing something quite useful.
Speaker 2:Right, and I think wives be appreciative of that. Not because we have to tell our husbands everything every time they do something, but why not like appreciate what he's doing? I think that's an interesting thing, people I shouldn't have to appreciate, because we I get where it comes from, because we don't get thanked every time we wash a dish.
Speaker 1:That's exactly right.
Speaker 2:I get where it comes from, because we don't get thanked every time we wash a dish. That's exactly right. But I do think you know in this time both of you like encouraging you're doing so great. I know this is hard. You're figuring this out, like to your wife, because it is hard. It's not as easy as people think. Sometimes, learning to nurse if you're doing that, like all the things, and if it's obviously, if it's your not first child, sometimes that stuff can be easier.
Speaker 1:But just yeah oh, each kid's different right 100.
Speaker 2:But there are some things you get once you've had your first, like changing a diaper isn't as daunting and like dressing a blob isn't first.
Speaker 1:First like poop that feels like it came out of the tarpets of hell Right. Yeah, Like those things aren't as daunting. We were like what the heck?
Speaker 2:We didn't do that one. Your mom changed our oldest and she actually was like I can't believe I'm changing this. I was like, hey, sounds great to me. So, and I don't know that we would have with Lily either, because she was a preemie but anyways, like just words of affirmation for each other, guys, even when you're tired. Thank you for doing that. I appreciate that.
Speaker 1:I appreciate you. Like that kind of stuff is connection, yeah, so important that you do some of those to each other.
Speaker 2:Yes, both, both, both. They're different. I realize they are husbands and wives, but yeah and I think that often gets forgotten right well, yeah and you know.
Speaker 1:So, guys, you know, I would really suggest that you do everything you can to lean in and you be really cautious of what you're doing to relax, right, relaxation is important. It is really good, but you need to be cautious that you're not now finding life outside of your new family.
Speaker 2:Well, and we both need to relax, but I think that's going to rub your wife raw or wrong if you're constantly finding time to relax and she feels like all she ever has time for now is figuring out this human, nurturing this human, and then some housework on the side Right, and that's about it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, right.
Speaker 2:So I think, talking about those things and you know, and figuring out how she gets a little bit of downtime if that means you're taking the baby for an hour and she's, I don't know, getting a bath or yeah, I think I remember that beginning downtime when you weren't like sleeping every time the baby slept, because that's man in the beginning for sure.
Speaker 1:But you know, as that gets settled, then it was like, okay, I've got him, you go get a shower, take care of yourself you know that kind of stuff and you really creating some space that you could start feeling better. Right, Because we have to remember, guys, her hormones are going all over the place through this period.
Speaker 2:And she doesn't really want them to go all over the place, guys, of course, not Like remembering that too. All that's happening to her body is not. It's the way God designed it. It's not something she's choosing. So patience with the ups and the downs. It's not like she's like I'd like to be like a yo-yo today.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's good. I don't think we can talk about marriage and parenting an infant without mentioning the really important parts of whether we call it baby blues or actual postpartum depression yeah Right, like I think that is something that every mom goes through to a certain extent, many more serious than others, but I think it is something, guys, we need to be aware of. Yeah. That your wife may need some support in just understanding her emotional ups and downs through this period.
Speaker 2:Yeah, just comforting her and saying it's okay, it's normal. I mean, obviously, if it feels like it's beyond a normal amount, then of course consult your doctor. But you know it's okay that a minute ago you were happy and now you're crying. Like just comfort and not making her feel like she's bizarre, because she already feels it.
Speaker 1:Although I'm going to say is you going to your wife and saying, oh sweetie, it's normal. Is that what you wanted to hear? Because I think I got in trouble for that.
Speaker 2:Well, that's different. I'm married to a therapist and I think most women would love to hear it. I just was like stop, I do not feel normal, stop telling me that. He would tell me it like all the time. I was like, oh my word, stop it.
Speaker 1:I just I just had to point out that I thought it was funny because I remember getting in trouble for telling you that the tears were normal.
Speaker 2:Well, how many, how many husbands and wives do we meet with? They're like oh, the women are like. I'd love that. I'm like mm-hmm.
Speaker 1:Yeah, no, it doesn't always work the other way.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so hopefully that's some helpful ideas and, yeah, how to navigate it and stay as close as possible between the two of you.
Speaker 1:I think the other thing we would say is look forward right, Pay attention and looking forward. Yes, time slows down. That first three months seems like an eternity, but it's just three months. It goes by really fast.
Speaker 1:And eventually this little one is going to be sleeping better this little one's going to be eating a little bit better, they're going to get on some kind of schedule, they're going to kind of give you a little bit more free time and as that free time happens, the first thing has to be into self-care, sleep care, just getting a shower, eating a little bit more normal. That has to be your first requirement. However, once you've met that, I think the next thing is how do the two of you connect? Again yeah. How do you find a little bit of time for each other?
Speaker 2:Yeah. Every stage that you go through Taking it back Is you can take some back for the two of you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so I just think it's a really important stage to talk about because it is a huge stressful one. Yeah. We see it very often we see couples having challenges at this stage, and I do think it's something to pay attention to Going through this well well certainly helps setting you up for the next stage, which we'll be talking about next week.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And how do you deal with toddlers and all of the fun things that come in that place? Yeah, for sure so hey, kids are a joy. We have absolutely loved that. But you know what it can be a challenge and something that pulls at your marriage. And doing this stuff well means that you can grow into a healthy, long, healthy couple relationship. So we're going to keep talking about parenting and marriage and I hope you join us for the next one. Yep, until next time. I'm Brad Aldrich.
Speaker 2:And I'm Kate Aldrich. Be kind and take care of each other.
Speaker 1:Still Becoming One is a production of Aldrich Ministries. For more information about Brad and Kate's coaching ministry courses and speaking opportunities, you can find us at aldrichministriescom For podcast show notes and links to resources in all of our social media. Be sure to visit us at stillbecomingonecom and don't forget to like this episode wherever you get your podcasts. And be sure to follow us to continue your journey on Still Becoming One.