Still Becoming One
Still Becoming One
Admitting It vs. Owning It : Taking Marriage Resolution Deeper
Admitting to something is NOT the same as Owning it. In this episode, we unpack the power of owning mistakes in marriage. Many couples get stuck in this stage of admitting a wrong and wanting it to just go away, we try to unravel how admittance is a stepping stone, yet ownership is the actual journey towards genuine honesty and accountability.
Welcome to the Still Becoming One podcast.
Kate Aldrich:We are Brad and Kate and our more than 20 years of marriage. We've survived both dark times and experienced restoration.
Brad Aldrich:Now as a licensed marriage counselor and relationship coaches. We help couples to regain hope and joy.
Kate Aldrich:We invite you to journey with us, as we are still becoming one.
Brad Aldrich:Let's start the conversation. Hello everyone, welcome back to Still Becoming One.
Kate Aldrich:Yeah.
Brad Aldrich:Really glad that you are back with us today. We're glad to be back podcasting again as well.
Kate Aldrich:Mm-hmm. Yeah, we had a good trip just the two of us last week. It was fantastic.
Brad Aldrich:It was, and a lot of people that I've been saying that we went away and it was just the two of us kind of look at me almost guiltily and going, yeah, we should probably do that. You should, you should, and I don't want to cause anyone guilt. But, yes, the art of getting away with your spouse, just the two of you slowing down and just enjoying time together is something Kate and I have tried to do at least once a year. Mm-hmm, it is most often been like a long weekend maybe.
Brad Aldrich:This was a little bit longer opportunity, but it is something we've tried to do every year for man at least 10 years.
Kate Aldrich:Yeah, at least that long Going away for a week that's only been the last couple of years. We've been able to do that, have that financial ability to do that, but we've always done like a long weekend in the summer. Just yeah, time for just the two of us, and it's just so refreshing and renewing and we just need it.
Brad Aldrich:We do and honestly I think most couples need it. I always say I really thoroughly enjoy the time of just getting a space to maybe dream a little bit about actually talking about the future, about talking about where we want to head, where we want to go, not only in ministry but in our lives. Those times are really special.
Kate Aldrich:Yeah, we were outside of Nashville. It was a beautiful area, kind of Murphysboro, Shelbyville, I forget what areas we were kind of in. So it was just a really sweet time and we did one of Brad's favorite things and went to some distilleries and had some samples.
Brad Aldrich:It was my way through the samples, wow.
Kate Aldrich:But Brad thoroughly enjoyed himself and one of our favorite distilleries is out there and the owners are actually like amazing marriage people and we actually got to know them through the marriage world first before they opened up their distilleries called Uncle Nearest Distillery, so you guys should check it out. Vaughn Weaver and Keith her husband.
Brad Aldrich:Yeah, they now own that distillery and they wrote the book Happy Wives Club, or Vaughn wrote the book Happy Wives Club and did a few other things. They're actually writing another marriage book that we're excited about. Well, we're not as sure if it's a marriage book.
Kate Aldrich:It's called Love and Whiskey, I think, from what I saw on her Instagram post. So I'm actually not sure how much of it is about marriage or how much of it is about this process of bringing Uncle Nearest to the light, which is a great story. You should check it out, but we'll see as it comes out, because I find with Vaughn and Keith, which I appreciate, they're doing a lot of different things now in life and yet they're always speaking into marriages.
Kate Aldrich:Very intentional, a really cool thing, yes, with each other and speaking that message out there. So, anyways, it was a really great time, we had a wonderful time. So we are back and we are podcasting. We often post some quotes, some things that we think are thought provoking or inspirational, all those kinds of things, and one of the ones that post on Instagram or Facebook right and Twitter.
Brad Aldrich:So you can find us at still becoming one on Instagram or Facebook.
Kate Aldrich:And actually I think Twitter is still at one flesh marriage number one flesh marriage. Right, but there is one quote that we've consistently put out there every so often that always gets confused comments. People often say to us, like I don't quite understand, tell me what you mean. And so we thought, oh, what a good thing to talk about, because it's it's kind of one of those things that seems really clear to me. But I am picking up more and more that people know it's something, but they're not sure what it is.
Brad Aldrich:Yeah, and it's a topic that we end up talking a lot about with couples going through recovery or going through hard betrayal, trauma or or just even really difficult times and working back towards each other. Yeah that we have to wrestle with this concept. So tell them a little bit what we're talking about.
Kate Aldrich:I will. I think also, it's not always does it have to be things that are dire, and I think once, once we kind of explain it more, you'll see that it can really be any challenge you've gone through in your marriage. So the quote is admitting to something is not the same as owning it. Admitting to something is not the same as owning it. And I think that's where people get a little hung up because they're like well, wait, I admitted to something.
Brad Aldrich:I said that.
Kate Aldrich:I did, that Isn't that owning it Right?
Brad Aldrich:I said I made a mistake, right. I said yeah, I shouldn't have done it that way.
Kate Aldrich:And yeah, to get to the meat of it, I think admitting something is a huge step. I think owning it is a further step.
Brad Aldrich:So you see it as two different pieces or a process I do. First comes admitting it and then comes owning it.
Kate Aldrich:Yes, what about you?
Brad Aldrich:Yeah, I think I agree with that. I see them. I don't know if I'd always say it's a process. I think a lot of times people stop at admitting and then just kind of go. Well, that's the way it is or I did something.
Kate Aldrich:Wouldn't that be the process, though?
Brad Aldrich:Well, they would need to go further.
Kate Aldrich:Right in the process. Yes, right, yeah, probably right. So Wait, guys, did you hear?
Brad Aldrich:that what does owning actually mean If we're saying it's more than admitting what is owning it?
Kate Aldrich:So do you feel, then, that admitting is pretty self-explanatory, we don't need to?
Brad Aldrich:Well, I guess we can start there. What is admitting? It look like.
Kate Aldrich:I think admitting something is literally saying yes, I know that I did that, yes, I understand that I did that, that that hurt you Like you're admitting it. So you're not still in a posture not saying that everybody is, but in a posture of no, I didn't, that's not what I meant, that's not what I said, that's not what I write. We can often as humans, because of sin and just our human nature, we can take a posture of not admitting something. And I mean we have four teenagers. So in our memories, when I was a teenager, good grief, did I ever admit anything? I knew everything and I never admitted anything I don't know about. If anybody else can relate to that, let's just say, from your own teenage perspective, don't even need to talk about if you have teenagers. But right, admitting things is difficult because it means you didn't do something well, or.
Brad Aldrich:You've been called on it and you went. Okay, yep, I probably messed up.
Kate Aldrich:So to me that's admitting. Would you give it any other words?
Brad Aldrich:Well, no, I think that's really good. So it is a hard thing, admitting is hard and it's an important step. It is a good thing. So we're not here saying that it's not enough. We're saying this is a good step, but it's not the same as necessarily owning all of it.
Kate Aldrich:And you do have to start with admitting. In my opinion, I think the two could come in rapid succession really quickly, but I think for a lot of people they don't. There is this process in between of processing and what does it mean to both admit it and own it. So I think admitting is something we all have to learn how to do.
Brad Aldrich:Is the start at a point right?
Kate Aldrich:Yeah, we all have to learn how to do it.
Brad Aldrich:So what does it look like when somebody admits to something but they don't own it?
Kate Aldrich:I think one of the biggest ways that pictures that I could draw for people is admitting and then not moving on to owning means there's no change. Okay Cause admitting usually we're talking about things that are repeated in your relationship or who you are. They could be one time things, especially when we're talking about betrayal or something like that, not that betrayal is only one time thing, but it could be encompassed in sort of one relationship or things like that. But I think the biggest thing that I like to push into with that is you're admitting it but you're not doing anything to change it, to live differently, to acknowledge that this is really hard for your spouse, to posture yourself differently, and I think that is where people get really hurt and upset.
Brad Aldrich:Right, right. So they're admitting, yep, that happened, but they're not necessarily ready to make the changes that it takes. And they Okay, I've actually was gonna go a little further. I think there are times that I've seen people ready to make changes, moving forward, but that they're not necessarily owning the weight of what happened in the past or what their harm caused.
Kate Aldrich:Well, that's a good piece and that's that. I'm not sure if I've ever thought about it that way, but that is where I would give the owning word as a further step in the process and there's more pieces to it. So, yeah, I think that could be a really important part for some people, depending on what we're talking about. Like this really can span a gamut of topics and a gamut of like how impactful they are to couples and whatnot. But, yeah, if you're not able to engage how this harmed understanding what it's brought, then that could be really hard for a spouse.
Brad Aldrich:Absolutely yeah, and this is something we've talked about in coaching. The usually way I end up presenting this is as a principle that Jesus taught in his dealings with Zacchaeus, which some people who grew up in church will remember as the little short guy in the tree.
Kate Aldrich:A wee little man.
Brad Aldrich:Right.
Kate Aldrich:I didn't grow up in the church but I did learn that, I think from youth group.
Brad Aldrich:But if you don't know that story, basically Zacchaeus was a Jewish person in Jesus's time who was not very popular with the crowd, with the rest, and so at one point he climbed up a tree in order to get a look at Zacchaeus. Jesus reached that spot where he was and looked up at him and said come on down, we're gonna go have dinner at your house. So he kind of invited himself to dinner, but he I feel like he's Jesus.
Kate Aldrich:I feel like you can do that.
Brad Aldrich:And everyone in the crowd, or many people in the crowd, got upset because Jesus was hanging out with this known, not great guy. And he wasn't a great guy because he was a tax collector and in the day. I mean, I know probably tax collectors aren't that popular today, but back then tax collectors made their money by charging you more than was due and basically cheating people out of those taxes.
Kate Aldrich:Did they not get paid from the?
Brad Aldrich:government. So they did get paid some, but they would basically just skim more off the top. So if you owe $10 and I collect 11, I get to keep that extra.
Kate Aldrich:Yeah, I get that.
Brad Aldrich:So they were kind of incentivized to cheat people.
Kate Aldrich:Because the government wasn't checking to see what you collected versus what you needed.
Brad Aldrich:So they were not popular for obvious reasons, and I think one of the reasons why we bring up this story is because of what happened. So Jesus said hey, let's go hang out, let's have dinner together. And then he defended like there's no reason, I shouldn't hang out with somebody who's a sinner, who's doing something wrong, right, like that's okay.
Kate Aldrich:And asked he wouldn't have had anybody to hang out with if he didn't hang out with sinners. Right, right, exactly true. I don't think the Pharisees knew that. But he wouldn't have had anybody to hang out with.
Brad Aldrich:And really here's the long end of it. Right at the end of the dinner, jesus kind of called Zacchaeus out and saying hey, I don't want you to do this anymore. And he did. And he said you know what, if I have cheated anybody out of anything, I will pay them back fourfold. That was what we know. You know, zacchaeus ended up saying and I think that's significant because it wasn't just okay, I'm admitting that, yes, I've done some of this and I'm gonna stop, right. There are other times that Jesus said just go and sin no more, do things differently, right. But in this situation, what Zacchaeus ended up saying was I'm gonna own the mistakes and the hurt and the pain that I've caused and I'm going to pay it back. I'm gonna pay it 10,. You know, I'm gonna open up my books, essentially, and go look if I cheated you out of anything, I'm gonna make it right and go above and beyond, and I think that's that process of owning it.
Brad Aldrich:It's not just admitting okay, yep, this happened, but it's actually looking at where the harm happened.
Kate Aldrich:Sure.
Brad Aldrich:And what that harm caused. Yeah. And starting to talk about, like how do I make it better?
Kate Aldrich:Mm-hmm. Yeah, that makes sense, and I think that that is a intricate, difficult process. So it's really hard to map out what that would look like for everything we're talking about, but I think it's important to keep in mind there could be some things you need to. You know, own the harm and the hurt in the past, Correct and what that's brought to the table.
Brad Aldrich:Yeah, I think that's exactly the idea, and this is what kind of the heart of the quote that we're getting to is if something has happened in your marriage that's caused pain, that is something that you know has happened, then, yes, admitting to it, saying that thing happened, is a good start. Mm-hmm. But next is I need to understand what harm that caused and how I can work on making it better, how I can take care of you through it, what I need to do to change the fact that that wounding happened.
Kate Aldrich:Yeah, so how it's impacted you, and that might be huge. It may be not huge but, it probably is part of the conversation. And then are there other parts you would say, other than what I had said, of just like then identifying how is it going to be different in the future?
Brad Aldrich:Yeah, I mean. I think one of the things I hear people get stuck on this exact principle all the time is I can't change the past. Okay. Right, I can't fix it, I can't change the past, so can't we just forgive and move on? So we're still talking about the what does it mean to own it in that situation where somebody's like I can't change it, so can't we just kind of like start over? Can't we just wipe the slate clean and move on?
Kate Aldrich:Well before? The answer obviously is no, but what are we trying to? What is the goal there in trying to wipe the slate clean?
Brad Aldrich:I think it's so that people don't feel guilty anymore.
Kate Aldrich:So we don't have to deal with the negative thoughts in our head that are telling us pretty not great stuff about ourselves.
Brad Aldrich:Yeah, and I think a lot of times and if people are honest, a lot of couples get stuck in this place if there's been so much damage that I'm not sure we can move on. And I talk to that couple all the time, right, they come and they're like I'm not even sure if this is safeable because there's been so much damage and not realizing that, honestly, working through damage, working through harm in a good way, rebuilds relationships stronger than they ever were. And I've seen so much evidence of that.
Kate Aldrich:Yeah, no as well. I mean we're a testament to that and so many others that we know. Yeah.
Brad Aldrich:For sure. So I always try and give hope in those situations that, yes, there is a possibility of rebuilding, but it does come with needing to own that hurt and harm happened.
Kate Aldrich:Yeah, and the reality is, unfortunately, if you just choose to move on, whether inside the relationship or outside of the relationship, that stuff has a price, correct, it has a cost. You're gonna pay it somewhere and you may not. Maybe you're looking at your relationship and you're like, well, it's just too much for this relationship, too much to be mended, and you decide that relationship is done. There is still a cost, it still has an impact, and so you may be thinking you're getting out of that with that, but you're really not. If that made sense, you're not getting out of that process it will catch up to you, and it will.
Kate Aldrich:It will exhumate its costs. Sure, that's right. Yeah, no, I definitely think that, and it's a painful process right, sitting humbly in front of each other just the two of you are, with a mentor, a pastor or a coach or a therapist like it's not easy to sit there and hear those things spoken to each other. That's right. But, as you said, it's kind of like when you work out and your muscle tears a little bit and it actually then gets stronger. Those things actually can make you stronger as a couple.
Brad Aldrich:So, in order to try and make this clearer for people listening, let's do a specific example, and, honestly, an extreme example, but one that we unfortunately deal with all the time is somebody who's admitting to an affair. Okay. And they may admit to it. So what would it look like if somebody is just admitting to an affair, but they haven't owned it?
Kate Aldrich:I feel like, if you're admitting it, you're saying yes, I had an affair.
Brad Aldrich:Correct, right.
Kate Aldrich:If you're not owning it, you're not sitting with your partner listening to all of the impact that it's made, all of the now insecurities, the trust issues, the emotional hurts, the potential side, physical feeling comfortable and safe with your partner. But then also, is there a process of what is this going to look like different in the future? How, like, how did I get here? What's? What purpose did this affair serve for me? How was it taking care of me in a very not great way? And how am I going to do the work on myself to make sure I'm caring for myself? Well, I know when hard things are coming up. And how am I going to care for my spouse? Well, in the fact that we are now a couple who has walked through an affair, because it will impact your marriage for the rest of your marriage.
Kate Aldrich:It does not have to handcuff you or, you know, pigeonhole you. That's not what I'm saying, but it will impact you, it does have an impact, right. And so owning it means you understand that and you're willing to navigate all of those things for the rest of your lives together.
Brad Aldrich:Right, right, and it gets rid of that idea of can't we just move on. No, the idea is not moving on, it's actually moving through it with wholeness and healing and taking care of the emotions that may be happening and recognizing there are consequences that then we have to deal with. Right that, when somebody says, you know, hey, I'm feeling uncomfortable, or like you know, there's, one of the common reactions is loss of trust. And what people do in a loss of trust is trying to control.
Brad Aldrich:So, then they feel like their spouse is very controlling. Well, owning it is going, yep, I understand why they're controlling.
Kate Aldrich:Like there's, this is for a time and a season, yeah, yeah. I think, though, also it could be helpful for couples. I'm trying to think of another example that would be more basic, because not everyone is going through betrayal trauma. So, for an example that maybe the rest of us can sort of relate to would be what if your spouse asks you because this is one we hear often to prioritize them and not prioritize their phone so much?
Brad Aldrich:Right.
Kate Aldrich:Right cause that's. Honestly it sounds crazy, but that is a conflict tension point we hear about a lot.
Brad Aldrich:Oh yeah.
Kate Aldrich:And, if we're honest, we've had it right, well, everybody has it now Cause technology is intrusive.
Brad Aldrich:Well, it is, and it is designed to get your attention. So we have a lot every couple, I think has to deal with this of something is grabbing at their attention, whether it be emails or text or, more often, social media. That's just filling up time that could have been for the other person and somebody feels offended by that.
Kate Aldrich:And we've heard too, like scrolling through news. It's not always social media podcast, like they always have to have something on on their phone, like games, like everything.
Brad Aldrich:Absolutely. So your spouse is saying, hey, this is a problem. Admitting to it would be like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I know I'm doing it. Yeah, yeah, I know I'm on my phone.
Kate Aldrich:Maybe don't do the yeah, yeah Admitting to. It would be like I hear you, I see where you're coming from and I agree I'm on my phone an awful lot.
Brad Aldrich:Okay, so that's a good thing right. And and trying to do that, what would owning it look like?
Kate Aldrich:What do you think?
Brad Aldrich:Well, I guess in that situation I would probably say I can recognize that there are times that I should have been paying attention to my family differently, or I should have been more engaged in that situation and I allowed, you know whatever social media my phone to take over and I'm gonna try and make these Changes in order for that to not happen.
Kate Aldrich:Okay, and trying to be a little bit more specific in what that looks like, Well and per the model that you were saying not to forget is also to say you know how is that? Sure help me understand how that's made you feel what. What is that brought to the table? And be willing to do it the other way too, because I think every time a phone conversation comes up we hear the other spouse say well, you do it too.
Kate Aldrich:That is not the correct response. However, probably it can be a time for every one of us to do a little check on what do I do with my phone and what are the habits that I but anyways, just sort of engaging how that's impacted them right and then trying to take account.
Kate Aldrich:I think with something like this. People just really Maybe I'm wrong, but sometimes when you hear some specifics like you know what? I am gonna make sure at the dinner table it is always over on the counter or I am gonna what, whatever that could look like for you. Sure when you and I are spending time together. I will make sure it is not it's a way on me right right.
Brad Aldrich:I don't know, yeah, no, I think those are really good boundaries that you can put up, and I think that's a Good example, because we have to talk about how do we do those kind of things practically right, like we're in the affair. Right, we're talking owning it means you know I've hurt you and I'm gonna help deal with the consequences of that as we rebuild. Where I'm looking at my phone too much, we're probably not saying we're gonna go bury it in the backyard. We're more saying like how are we gonna? That would be radical.
Brad Aldrich:Right. We have to actually deal with the fact that it is part of our lives, and how do we put up boundaries around it that that are helpful? That would be part of owning it differently.
Kate Aldrich:Mm-hmm, yeah, and so I think that it is just really practically depending on what we're talking about, looking and and Coming up with your own ideas. I mean you can ask, like if it's yours to say I'm having trouble with my phone. I think it's important for me to come up with what's, what are attainable things for me. Okay, because I think if the other spouse is giving all the suggestions, you can certainly invite that. So I could say, hey, brad, what would be helpful to you? What would you? Where would you like to see me use it less? What is? You know? That Is an okay thing to invite. But if Brad just comes to me and says I think you need to, you know, from nine to five, it needs to be over on the counter. I don't you know, that's probably not very practical.
Kate Aldrich:Well, and we now have this situation where the spouse is telling the other spouse what to do. Really most change comes when we are in a posture of self-reflection correct and we're inviting a conversation so you can invite your spouse in to give their suggestions. It's also helpful to reach out to friends and say, hey, how do you keep your phone in check, how do you keep it from becoming a problem? Or asking a mentor, or something like that. Those are definitely different ways. If you have no ideas on how to To engage that. Obviously we're not just talking about phones, but I think that would be the best. But I think that is what we often see missing. We will have the other spouse say, yeah, he admitted it or she admitted it, but there's been no.
Kate Aldrich:I see no Change. Right, right, I've expressed this, and every night we still have our phone out constantly, or Whatever it, whatever it is that you guys are talking about. So that would be where I really say, like you know, and we've heard it said so many times, there's phrases that are, you know, encompass this whole Theme of it's okay to say sorry, but it's not okay to keep saying sorry and keep doing the same thing.
Kate Aldrich:Right right, like when we're hurting someone. Change needs to be a part of the process. Correct now? I'm sure there are some of you out there saying but what if I? I really don't feel like what I'm doing is a problem and I would just honestly encourage you to pray about it. Try and see it from your spouse's perspective and try and see where they're coming from. Try and maybe understand their story. I think that would take a lot more listening right.
Brad Aldrich:Yes, if they bring up something that you're like I don't get why that's a problem, then it you need to listen to where the hurt comes from right and yeah. I've heard this same, this exact issue, when it comes to something like alcohol that's exactly what I was thinking to right like where one person goes. I don't get what the issue is.
Brad Aldrich:I don't drink that much or I don't like they don't think they have a problem with it, but their spouse feels like they do, I think then they're not necessarily to an alcoholic issue, but there's a. There's an issue an issue, right and? And then trying to understand Where's that coming from like? Is that coming from your spouse's story? Is that fear? Is that something that they are seeing in you that you aren't noticing, right? I've heard that it's like oh well, you end up falling asleep in front of the TV every night and now we're not Engaging.
Brad Aldrich:Well, wait, that may be a problem, right that that you hadn't realized. So it's it is trying to if. If you hear something that you don't feel like as an issue, it's time to stop and go help me understand why that's an issue for you and really try and engage it.
Kate Aldrich:And with a heart and a posture. This is hard for like. Help me understand. I want to understand correct and I want to know why. This is huge for you, because here's the thing, guys we didn't just marry each other, we married our stories.
Kate Aldrich:That's exactly right and if something is that huge, it's worth trying to figure out. I'm not saying that the end result is then you having to concede, but if you realize from your spouse's story that that is so impactful and and triggering and harmful, you Don't you want to work towards something that makes your spouse feel safer and just more comfortable. I'm not also saying your spouse doesn't have some work to do. Of course this is a couple situation.
Kate Aldrich:Right if there is something that's really difficult. There may be some work with a coach or a therapist that can be helpful, but it's a two-way street, Like there are things I know about Brad's story and he knows about mine that are just really helpful and I'm thankful that you're compassionate and empathetic towards them. Yeah, that's a really good way to put it If you're not that doesn't make me feel super safe, and it also makes it feel like whatever you're doing is more important than understanding how that impacts my story.
Brad Aldrich:Correct. Yeah, that's exactly right, and I think that's what's going on and needs to happen of like man. I didn't realize that was an issue. Help me to understand Really, try and get to the bottom of that so right. Well, this is a really interesting and good way of working on becoming one right that's. Our goal is continually helping couples to look at what are the things that they can do to increase this journey and work towards each other, so we hope that you got something out of that. We would love to hear from you.
Kate Aldrich:And hopefully our quote is less confusing now maybe.
Brad Aldrich:So stop by our social media and if you have questions, if you have thoughts, we would love to hear from you and you can find us at stillbecomingoneone and at Instagram and Facebook. Love to have you join the family. So that's it for today. On Still Becoming One, I'm Brad Aldrich.
Kate Aldrich:And I'm Kate Aldrich. Be kind and take care of each other.
Brad Aldrich:Still Becoming One is a production of Aldrich Ministries. For more information about Brad and Kate's coaching ministry courses and speaking opportunities, you can find us at aldrichministriescom. For podcast show notes and links to resources and all of our social media. Be sure to visit us at stillbecomingonecom and don't forget to like this episode wherever you get your podcasts, and be sure to follow us to continue your journey on Still Becoming One.