Holiday Tips and Care Planning for Dementia Caregivers: Simple Strategies for a More Peaceful Season

Thanksgiving and other holidays can be especially challenging for caregivers and families managing dementia and elder care. In this episode of Advice From Your Advocates, Board-Certified Elder Law Attorney Bob Mannor joins Executive Director Savannah Meksto, Certified Dementia Practitioner, to discuss caregiving during the holidays with practical elder care strategies and care planning advice.

They explore how caregivers can reduce overwhelm, manage emotional overload, and create meaningful connections even as traditions evolve. Topics include handling dementia-related changes in family gatherings, dealing with sundowning and overstimulation, coordinating caregiving shifts, and simplifying meal planning during the holidays.

Long-term care planning, Medicaid options, and protecting assets are also covered to help families find peace of mind in uncertain times. This episode is a comforting and informative resource for caregivers, family members, and elder care professionals navigating the complexities of caregiving during the holiday season.

Need help with dementia care or long-term care planning? Visit mannorlawgroup.com or call 800-990-6030 for trusted support.

Chapters

• 0:00 Holidays Reveal Care Needs
• 2:00 Personal Stories Of Adjusting Traditions
• 5:00 Bringing Loved Ones Home On Medicaid
• 7:10 Simplifying Meals And Schedules
• 11:30 Preparing Guests And Kids For Dementia
• 14:30 Caregiver Guilt And Cultural Myths
• 17:30 Planning, Paying For Care, And Support
• 22:00 Gratitude, Resources, And Firm CTA

Transcript

SPEAKER_02: 0:00

You're listening to Advice from Your Advocates, a show where we provide elder law advice to professionals who work with the elderly and their families. Welcome back to Advice from Your Advocates on 103.9 The Fox. I'm Savannah Mexto, certified dementia practitioner and executive director here at Manner Law Group. Today we're talking about something so many listeners can relate to. How Thanksgiving changes when you're caring for someone you love. And joining me, as always, is the Elder Law and Estate Planning Expert You Know and Trust, Attorney Bob Manner.

SPEAKER_00: 0:31

Well, Savannah, happy holidays.

SPEAKER_02: 0:33

Thanks, Bob.

SPEAKER_00: 0:34

I think this is a really important time of the year for caregiving because sometimes we are not aware of what's going on with our parents because, you know, life. And so when we come home for Thanksgiving or come home for Christmas, this becomes a big issue, and we realize maybe things aren't as good as we had hoped they would be.

SPEAKER_02: 0:57

Yeah, absolutely. It's a a harsh reality and it's always so much more present at the holidays because I think everything is always just so much more present at the holidays, the good and the bad.

SPEAKER_00: 1:08

And you know, even I've read this statistic that a lot of people die in January or at the end of December. Yeah. Because they, for whatever reason, they, you know, are looking forward to the holidays. And so it's something that we want to be aware of for our parents.

SPEAKER_02: 1:27

Absolutely. And when you're a caregiver and you're suddenly put into that new role, whether you're a spouse or you're a child, an adult child caregiving now for your parent, the holidays might not look like the traditional picture perfect Thanksgiving or Christmas card that you used to remember, especially when dementia or just illness or even just aging shift what's possible. You know, it's just not the same. And Bob, you work with so many caregivers this time of year. What sort of things do you see happening for the clients that that you meet with during the holidays?

SPEAKER_00: 2:02

So I actually have a personal story about this because my mom had Alzheimer's and we'd go over for Christmas, and she wasn't always, you know, it was it was something we always did every year. We'd go to their house for Christmas, and it wasn't always, you know, it changed after she had gotten to a certain point in her Alzheimer's. And we realized this, and my family adjusted accordingly, that we realized that she can only take so many hours of of family. And so we would have a beginning and an end, which was never anything we ever did before. My family, it's funny, my wife uh makes fun of us because we never have the like really scheduled family events. We just show up whenever we show up and end whenever we want to end. And then it got to the point where my mom needed structure, right? And so we had to have an end. And the ra the reason was she'd get to the point where, you know, and it's in her house, right? And she would say, I need to go home now. And she was home. But there was all these people, and it was too much for her. It was more than she could tolerate at the time. And so we realized that it was better to schedule we're gonna be there from this hour to this hour. We noticed one of the things that was uncomfortable for her was when she saw it get dark outside, she could recognize those triggers of okay, it's time for me to go home. Now she was home, but she needed that we needed to end the party at that time.

SPEAKER_02: 3:37

Yeah, I think that's something that a lot of families have experienced. I actually can have a similar experience. I was raised by my grandparents, as I've mentioned before on the show, and my grandfather was diagnosed with dementia when I was in, I think, ninth grade. And so I became one of his caregivers. You know, it was me and my grandma and an aunt and an uncle. And it was quite similar, only he he, you know, we loved my grandfather, still do very much. He was a grumpy old man even before he had dementia. And so same thing. When he was done, he was done. And and he would just start, um, you know, he would get a little grumpy and be like, okay, well, I think it's time. We're we're we're done. And so I think a lot of families can have that that sort of shift in the holidays again, it just it amplifies every emotion, all of the joys, all of the stress, all of the nostalgia, all of the guilt. And a lot of caregivers are grieving those traditions that they just can't maintain anymore.

SPEAKER_00: 4:33

Yeah, it's tough.

SPEAKER_02: 4:34

Yeah. It's very tough. And especially, you know, when you're feeling all of these feelings, plus you're feeling, you know, gratitude that your family member's still here, but you're sad that it's not the same. And it's okay to recognize that those feelings can coexist.

SPEAKER_00: 4:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02: 4:51

That gratitude and that sadness, they're there.

SPEAKER_00: 4:54

I do want to point out one thing that, you know, a lot of us have to realize that there's a point at which our parent needs more care than we can provide at home, right? And so sometimes we have to look at a nursing home or memory care or something like that. That doesn't mean that you can't bring that parent home for Christmas, right? Yeah. That is an option. Even if you're on the government program called Medicaid, they give you up to 13 days that you could leave and spend the night at home throughout the year and still maintain your Medicaid. And so that is an important element to say, look, we need to accept the or you know, celebrate the family and not worry about having to get somebody back to the nursing home before midnight or something.

SPEAKER_02: 5:46

Yeah, that's such a good point. And of course, it's not gonna look the same, but if you are experiencing this, you know, caregiver issue right now through the holidays, and your person, your loved one is in a facility and you're wondering how are we gonna do this? Yeah, you might have an option that you didn't know was there before.

SPEAKER_00: 6:02

And I think that's so important. And that's part of what we do at Manor Law Group is we make sure that you understand the options that you have. We make sure that you have the advocacy to provide the things that are allowed because it's not, even though there's very well-intentioned caregivers, they're not always going to explain to you all of the options that are available. And so at Manor Law Group, we try to make sure that you know you have options and rights and you know, that if you want to take your parent home or your spouse home for the weekend, that you have that right to do that.

SPEAKER_02: 6:39

Yeah, and that's fantastic.

SPEAKER_00: 6:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02: 6:40

Especially over the holidays. And I think one thing that's important, and you know, and some people might think like, wow, that that seems like a lot of work, but we can do it. And caregiving, I think if you are a caregiver, you'll know that it's a lot of work anytime. But when the holidays come, it sometimes can mean more work.

SPEAKER_00: 6:58

Yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_02: 6:59

So Thanksgiving is more work for everyone, you know, cleaning, cooking, eating, watching football, for sure. But when caregiving is involved, it can sometimes mean more cooking, cooking different things. It's more coordinating, it's more caregiving. And so it's a it's a time that while you're like, oh, I'm really excited, I love this time of year, you can also somewhat be like, oh, how am I gonna do this? It's overwhelming and a little bit stressful. And again, it's okay to feel both of those feelings at the same time. But it's it is possible to have some balance or at least try to work towards that balance. And we do have there are some tips that we can offer you here to sort of find that balance. And I think the first one, at least for me, would be to not to not aim for the day to be perfect.

SPEAKER_00: 7:45

Right.

SPEAKER_02: 7:46

It's it might not ever be perfect. Shoot, it's not perfect even when it is perfect, but just aim for connection. Look for the connection. And then also take a look at the traditions that your family has. And you might not be able to do those same traditions as Bob mentioned earlier. You know, we might not be able to just have an organic gathering. Maybe we need to put a time frame on it. Maybe there's a certain game that your family plays that you might have to do a little bit differently.

SPEAKER_00: 8:13

So I think that's really important because traditions are important, but we have to sometimes realize that they're not always gonna work out the same way that we had in the past. And so if a parent has dementia, honestly, the traditions are probably not gonna work out the same way. So you can allow for that and realize that you know we can honor the tradition and still not have it go perfectly.

SPEAKER_02: 8:40

Exactly. Yeah. You can still, excuse me, you can still find meaning in those traditions and you know, in the way that you honor them. It might not look exactly the same and it might not be exactly the same, but you but the meaning is still there. And that's what's important. That that's what was behind those traditions the whole time, right anyway. Um it's also important to just think about little ways that you maybe could simplify some of these family gatherings. Um you know, and you mentioned earlier that your mom would sometimes get a little bit confused when it got dark so early. Maybe it could mean, hey, can we just bump up our maybe instead of Thanksgiving dinner, can we just do Thanksgiving lunch? And that could avoid that scenario. It could be just having maybe less people, or maybe we break it up. Maybe we have, you know, let's do a Thanksgiving over here. And then, you know, these people that live further away, maybe they come visit mom or dad, or you know, at a different time. And so then it spreads the joy, but it's less overwhelming for the caregiver and the person. Another thing I think is really helpful that I've heard folks do is they plan shifts. So they know that, you know, it's it's not, you know, when mom's coming here and she's taking care of dad who has dementia, um, it's a lot of work for a mom. It's she's not always able to visit because she's, you know, still the primary caregiver. But maybe we can plan shifts where okay, we know that from two to three, it's gonna be Uncle Bill is gonna sit.

SPEAKER_00: 10:11

Yeah. So and uh honestly, there's even a separate element of that. So and I'm not gonna get personal on this, but there's sometimes that people don't get along, right? Oh, sure. And so we've done occasionally where we have all right, from one to three, we're gonna have these people come.

SPEAKER_01: 10:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 10:31

And from three to five, we're gonna have these people come because divorces, right? There's divorces. Absolutely. And we're we're not gonna we're not gonna exclude family, right? We're not gonna exclude family, but that doesn't mean that we have to set up something where it's likely to lead to a fight. Right.

SPEAKER_02: 10:49

Or just having someone be uncomfortable when we can avoid it.

SPEAKER_00: 10:52

Exactly.

SPEAKER_02: 10:54

Also, I think it could be uh important, you know, to sort of think about the foods that you're serving on Thanksgiving. You know, maybe you have this traditional spread. Maybe you don't need to do that.

SPEAKER_00: 11:04

Yep.

SPEAKER_02: 11:05

You know, do we really need the cranberry chutney?

SPEAKER_00: 11:07

Cranberry, that always is the thing that makes me laugh the most because you know, the most of us, I would guess, are we're used to just the can, cranberry, and that's it. It was just a can in it's in the shape of a can. Right, right. That's all we have. And uh, you know, other people are have other traditions, but that yeah, that's one of the things I think is kind of funny.

SPEAKER_02: 11:32

And just think about little ways that you can streamline, you know, like, oh, do we do I have to make the stuffing by hand? Can I just get the stuffing in a box? Right. You know, do I have to have all of these things? Or can we do a potluck? You know, is it can we make it easier? Where we s where again we spread the joy of Thanksgiving dinner and the preparation. And you know, we we keep it simple. Maybe we even, you know, maybe we don't even cook Thanksgiving dinner that day. Maybe we do a homemade pizza or something that's really easy, um, you know, that your person loves.

SPEAKER_00: 12:01

We've done uh with my wife's family, we've done where sometimes on Thanksgiving we've done uh comfort foods instead of a traditional. So like I love the traditional Thanksgiving dinner as something that you know, and and and we I didn't always get that with my families when my wife's family always did the traditional Thanksgiving. I always enjoyed that a lot, but sometimes ever some years they chose to just have it be comfort foods. So they'd have cheese sticks and yeah, you know, wings, uh chicken wings and whatever. And that was their they chose that. It's kind of funny because it's very different kind of planning as far as like my family tended to just do the same thing every year. My wife's family tended to make a plan, and I was not that was not what I was raised with. We don't make a plan, we just showed up and whatever that was there was there, you know. And so it was kind of fun sometimes when they chose to make a plan that was out of the ordinary.

SPEAKER_02: 13:06

Yeah. I bet. And you could do the same thing if you're a caregiver this time. You know, it doesn't have to look like a Norman Rockwell Thanksgiving painting. It can still be really fun and really meaningful, and it can be Chinese food.

SPEAKER_00: 13:19

It was it is interesting though, when it got to the point because we always went over to my parents' house even after the point where they were able to really prepare for holiday meals. It was always sort of like a potluck type of a situation. And it got to the point where we realized it what didn't matter what the food was, you know, there's just there's gonna be food. We'll be fine.

SPEAKER_02: 13:43

Yep, we'll eat. It's the people, it's us. That's what that's what's important. Right. And I think that that permission, excuse me, at least to me, I mean, I'm someone who grew up watching HGTV with Martha Stewart. You know, so I sort of have this like expectation of myself that Thanksgiving dinner needs to look like a Pinterest board and it needs to all be beautiful. But that's that's not it. And I think that giving yourself that permission to simplify is huge. It's huge for your for yourself, for your family, and I think most importantly for the person that you're caring for.

SPEAKER_00: 14:16

Yes. And it is one of those things where this is really important that we, you know, acknowledge that there is a person there that might have done a lot of things in the past that might have been a lot of the part of the preparation or just done a lot of the work of the party, right? And they can't do that anymore. And that's okay, right? It's okay. We can just have, we can just be, you know. One of the things I want to warn people about or want people to think about is when you bring, you know, others, non-family members, sometimes, you know, typically the family members understand what's going on, they understand that grandma has dementia. Girlfriend of the grandson might not understand that or have any experience with that. And sometimes they're kind of rude about it because they don't understand it. So it might be something that you want to introduce ahead of time. Just say, hey, grandma might repeat herself sometimes.

SPEAKER_01: 15:21

Sure.

SPEAKER_00: 15:22

It's okay. And don't, you know, try to be sensitive to that.

SPEAKER_02: 15:27

Yeah. And we don't we also don't have to, you know, try to put grandma into a box, right, you know, of someone else's expectations. So, you know, it's okay if grandma repeats herself. Right. And that's, you know, that's cool. That's just it is what it is. And this is grandma, and we're happy that she's here.

SPEAKER_00: 15:43

Right.

SPEAKER_02: 15:44

And I think that it's important to remember that you know, grandma has routines and grandma has habits every day that that she'll do that keep her anchored. And so this is gonna be a disruption to that.

SPEAKER_00: 15:56

That is so important to think about.

SPEAKER_02: 15:59

And so there might she might repeat herself maybe more than usual, or or some of these behaviors might be a little bit exacerbated today, or she might even become more withdrawn today because it's depending, you know, everyone's personality is different, whether you have dementia or not.

SPEAKER_00: 16:13

And so we gotta think about this that sometimes when we have dementia, there is altered personality and there might even be aggression.

SPEAKER_01: 16:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 16:22

So we have to think about that and not be a jerk about it. Right.

SPEAKER_01: 16:26

So absolutely, yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 16:28

You don't have to get defensive.

SPEAKER_01: 16:29

No.

SPEAKER_00: 16:30

Because you need to understand that the person that you're talking to might not have the executive decision-making ability to say the right things. And so if they say the wrong thing and you get defensive, that's kind of a jerk move.

SPEAKER_02: 16:43

Right. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, don't be that guy. And I think that, you know, again, like you said, just warning if you are bringing a guest, just making everyone's prepared. I don't want to say warning because it makes it sound like it's a bad thing, but just making sure that everyone is prepared.

SPEAKER_01: 16:58

Right.

SPEAKER_02: 16:58

And that includes, you know, guests. And it might even be family members that haven't visited in a while, or it could be your ch your children, you know, if you have small children. Maybe that person, grandma, maybe she doesn't like loud noises anymore. They might make her nervous or running. So, you know, we can talk to the kids ahead of time about that and how to just act around grandma. And I think that's really important. And of course, kids will still be kids. I think that's why it's important to um just be aware and just try to make sure that everyone, all hands are on deck.

SPEAKER_00: 17:29

Exactly.

SPEAKER_02: 17:30

So, one thing that we hear a lot talking with caregivers, especially this time of year, is guilt. There's guilt maybe of we're not doing enough, guilt over the change, guilt over maybe you feel burned out and you feel guilty about that. So, where do we think that guilt comes from?

SPEAKER_00: 17:47

I am I have a strong opinion about this.

SPEAKER_01: 17:49

I would love to hear it, Bob.

SPEAKER_00: 17:51

I think that all the movies we watch, all the TV shows we watch are not particularly realistic about this issue. Of there is an assumption that if mom or dad is living in a care facility and people are taking care of them 24 hours a day, that we're bad children because of that. And I just think that's wrong. I think that is not a realistic analysis of this. We used to, with my um wife's family, we'd go and have a Christmas party every year at a nursing home, and everybody, the whole cousins, everybody, there was probably 50 people that would come to this. And uh it was because that she was getting well cared for there. There comes a point, she had lived uh my wife's grandma lived with my in-laws for many years. There comes a point where you cannot physically care for somebody. And there's nothing wrong with that. You shouldn't be guilty about that. And the fact that we would then go and have Christmas and Thanksgiving at the care facility was just a beautiful thing. And and almost every place that ha does this has uh room for this. They have place for this. There is an appropriate uh you know, place for this. And don't feel guilty about it. It is uh, you know, one of those things. It's just part of the uh evolution of life. So I think unfortunately, that's not what TV and movies tell us. TVs and movies tell us that only bad kids put their parents in a care facility. That's not accurate. That's wrong. Honestly, if you leave your parent at home alone and they don't have anybody to talk to and they need 24-hour care and they're not getting it, and they're still in their home alone, that's not better than a care facility. And that's kind of what this, you know, the there's a sort of this cultural guilt that we have about this. And I just wish that that wasn't the case. I wish that people would understand that sometimes it is really absolutely 100% the best answer to look for either caregivers that come into the home or look for a facility that provides 24-hour care.

SPEAKER_02: 20:13

Absolutely. And you mentioned that that cultural guilt, that cultural pressure that says, you know, good families do everything.

SPEAKER_01: 20:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02: 20:21

Well, to me, everything includes sometimes placing your loved one in a skilled care facility. We have to make hard choices.

SPEAKER_00: 20:29

Now, again, I'm gonna uh depart from our conversation a little bit to say that this is where law group can come in.

SPEAKER_01: 20:36

Right.

SPEAKER_00: 20:37

Right, because we can help you find money to pay for that. And that's so this conversation mostly about the holidays has been about day-to-day, you know, type stuff. But we do want to think about that, it is important to think about, you know, how do we pay for it? And so that's something that the la our law office can help you with.

SPEAKER_02: 20:55

Absolutely. And also not just how to pay for it, but how to just navigate all of this. It's so much. So maybe you're at this point right now and the holidays are coming up, but you're not sure what to do. A mom or dad or your spouse, you know that they're having some some trouble. You're not sure what steps to take next. That's something that we can help with. We have social workers on staff.

SPEAKER_00: 21:18

Yes.

SPEAKER_02: 21:18

We have elder care coordinators, we have several dementia practitioners like myself. And so we're really knowledgeable and and aware of the issues that you're going through. While your issues are unique, you know, to your family. We're aware of, you know, overall what you're going through and how to help.

SPEAKER_00: 21:35

We've legitimately helped thousands of families through this process. And, you know, we talk about money, that's only one part of it. It's about quality of life, quality of care, and we are motivated to help with all of that. Most people think there are no options with regard to how to pay for care. And that's actually really the wrong answer because what most people think is well, you have to just run out of money, and then you'll get on government programs. That's the worst possible answer because those government programs might not work out the way that you think they would, at least in you know, last minute kind of notice. So what we really want is to make sure we plan ahead and not run out of money. That's really an important aspect of this.

SPEAKER_02: 22:25

Yeah, absolutely. And also remember that it's never too late to plan and it's also never too early. And we say this a lot at the firm. It is never too early and never too late to get a plan. So if you're right now in a a state where you're like, man, my family's in crisis, they're I don't know what to do, then call us. If you're at the point where you're like, we're not in crisis, but I don't really have a plan, then still call us because when that time comes, things are gonna be a lot easier for you when you do have a plan.

SPEAKER_00: 22:58

It is obviously I always like to have people plan ahead. I know that a lot of people only call us when there's a crisis, but it's always better if you can plan ahead.

SPEAKER_02: 23:08

Yeah, absolutely. Well, Bob, I think that this has been a really powerful conversation and I appreciate you sharing your story and the story of the clients that we help all the time. And as Bob said, our firm has helped thousands of clients go through this. And to our listeners, again, if you are caring for a spouse, if you're caring for a parent, or you're just supporting someone professionally as a caregiver, we see you and we are so thankful for you. If you need guidance with long-term care planning, dementia support, or just finding peace of mind through legal planning, I really encourage you to visit our website, MannorLawgroup.com, or give us a call at 1-800-990-6030. From all of us at Mannor Law Group and advice from your advocates, we wish you a warm and meaningful Thanksgiving with the people you love most. Did you know the average stay in a nursing home costs over$10,000 a month? Planning for long-term care can be overwhelming, but it's crucial to protect your family's future.

SPEAKER_00: 24:06

Hi, I'm Bob Manner. I'm a board certified elder law attorney and certified dementia practitioner. At Manner Law Group, we specialize in helping families plan for dementia care, state planning, and protecting their assets from the rising costs of long-term care. We can guide you through creating a plan that ensures that your loved ones receive the care that they need without losing everything that they've worked so hard for.

SPEAKER_02: 24:28

Manner Law Group, we believe in giving you peace of mind for the future. From Wills and Trust to Medicaid Planning, we're here to make sure your family is protected.

SPEAKER_00: 24:36

Give us a call today and let us help you plan with confidence.

SPEAKER_02: 24:40

Call Manor Law Group at 1-800-990-030 or visit us online at Manor Law Group.com. That's eight hundred-nine nine zero or manorlawgroup.com. Manor Law Group, your advocates for life's most important decisions. Thanks for listening. To learn more, visit Manor Law Group.