How to Talk to Your Aging Parents About Money and Estate Planning (Without feeling guilty)

Why is talking to aging parents about money, estate plans, and long-term care so uncomfortable? For many adult children, asking about finances feels like reaching into a parent's private purse—or like being overly concerned with an inheritance. But avoiding these conversations doesn’t make the future go away; it just leaves families facing sudden crises when options are limited and emotions are high.

In this episode of Advice From Your Advocates, host Board Certified Attorney Bob Mannor and co-host Savannah Meksto, CDP, break down how to approach these multi-generational talks without guilt, shame, or fear. They share practical icebreakers, expose common myths about outdated legal documents, and explain why failing to plan ahead can lead to costly court battles or unintended consequences for blended families.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

• Overcoming Guilt: Why caring about your parents' finances isn't about greed—it’s about protecting their future.
• Simple Conversation Starters: How to bring up powers of attorney, wills, and care preferences without starting a fight.
• The "Doctor Visit" Rule: Why a legal plan from 20 years ago is like claiming you're healthy based on a doctor's checkup from 2001.
• Common Estate Planning Pitfalls: The dangers of online fillable forms and why adding an adult child to a property deed often backfires.
• Planning for Life, Not Just Death: Protecting assets and navigating long-term care during your lifetime.

Need help starting the conversation or creating a plan for your family? Visit us at mannorlawgroup.com or call 1-800-990-6030 to schedule a consultation.

Transcript

Why Families Avoid Future Talk

SPEAKER_01 0:03

You're listening to Advice from Your Advocates, a show where we provide elder law advice to professionals who work with the elderly and their families.

SPEAKER_00 0:11

Welcome to Advice from Your Advocates. I'm Board Certified Attorney Bob Manner. I am uh here to talk to you today about tackling one of the most important, but honestly one of the most uh avoided topics, which is how to talk to your parents or your family about the future.

SPEAKER_02 0:29

That's right, Bob. Savannah Mexto here, certified dementia practitioner. And you know, whether you're trying to talk to your aging parents about long-term care or estate plans, or having those same conversations with your own adult children, the fear of upsetting someone or just starting a fight, you know, it can keep families stuck in silence. But here's the truth not talking about it doesn't make the issue go away as much as we'd like to believe that. It just means that they show up later, you know, during a crisis when emotions are already high and the options are fewer. Today, we're gonna walk through how to approach these tough conversations across generations without guilt, shame, or avoidance. And we'll give you a real practical tip, well, actually several tips, that can help you protect relationships and avoid legal and financial messes down the road. Bob, you work with families every day that are in the thick of this. Where do you see people struggle the most when it comes to these kinds of conversations?

SPEAKER_00 1:29

So I think this is a really important conversation. Uh I, you know, have talked about the Sun show recently about how we've written this article multiple times. It's been published in The View, in other newspapers, uh, the Flint Journal and such. That, and I I have a intentional provocative topic, which is why you should care about your parents' money. And this is not because you're greedy. And I think that there is a certain amount of cultural guilt that is built into this that we're worried that people are gonna think that the reason why we're in you know involved is because we're trying to be greedy. And that's not been my experience. Most family members that are willing to step into the gap are not greedy. They're trying to take care of mom or dad or both, and they're trying to make sure that they have what they need. It's not because they're greedy, it's because they care about their parents or they care about their spouse.

SPEAKER_02 2:35

Yeah, absolutely, Bob. And where do you think that is a good place for people to start, you know, talking about this? So just to sort of rephrase, sometimes we see these adult children come in and they're uncomfortable talking about this because they don't want to offend mom or dad. And actually, it kind of makes me think of a little story. When I was a kid in church, I used to go to church with my grandmother and I would sit in the pew with her, and her purse was always in between us. And I could sometimes see those lovely little peppermint candies that she kept in her purse. And I remember one time I just reached my own hand in to her purse to get her candy, and she swatted my hand away. And her purse was very private.

SPEAKER_00 3:18

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 3:18

And I think maybe, you know, some of those conversations that we might have later in adult life, we could be still thinking of ourselves as that little kid in church reaching into grandma's purse. It's uncomfortable, and it's, you know, something like, I don't know if I'm even supposed to talk about this. It's so private. So, how do we bring this up with mom or dad or even our adult children when it's, you know, been kind of taboo for some of us to talk about money or what's in the purse?

SPEAKER_00 3:45

That's a great story. And I have a similar one, which was I'm the youngest of six children. I literally did not know what my parents' ages were until I was in my mid-20s. They would not discuss their year of birth. They were that private.

SPEAKER_02 4:03

That's amazing to think about.

SPEAKER_00 4:04

And and it was just that was the generation. You don't discuss money, you don't discuss age, you don't discuss politics, you don't discuss, you know, there's a lot of stuff you didn't talk about in that generation. And the idea here is that there comes a time when the vast majority of us are going to need the assistance of the people that we care about. I always talk about the people we love and trust. And so, you know, all of us imagine and dream of this perfect life where we have this, you know, healthy, productive life until the last day of our life, and then suddenly we die at 101 years old without ever having any serious illness.

SPEAKER_02 4:54

In our sleep, yes.

SPEAKER_00 4:55

Yeah, in our sleep, yeah, exactly. And that's just not realistic for the vast, vast majority of us. And, you know, even movies and TV and culture tells us that that's what's supposed to happen. And it creates this level of guilt from when we're kids or from when we watch a show on TV or a movie or whatever

Privacy Guilt And Parents’ Money

SPEAKER_00 5:20

else. And uh it feels guilty to be uh intervening. And the reality is that you know, if we care about the people we love, we should intervene because there is for the vast majority of us going to come a time before we die that we really need help. We really need the advice, we really need the assistance to help make sure the bills are paid, to make sure we're getting the proper care that we need. And, you know, often by the time we need it, we're not in a position to be able to ask for help. And so if it's our parents or our spouse, you know, especially if it's a spouse, yeah. You know, if we've cared for someone for 50 years, imagine you're the wife caring for somebody for your husband that you've been married to for 50 years. That's not really something comfortable to ever think about that you need help beyond what you've been doing for 50 years. It's very difficult. And it might even be more difficult for the husband to be caring for the wife, because often in that culture, in that age range, the husband wasn't used to preparing meals and doing the laundry and changing the bedding and all of that. And so it is important to make sure that we ask for help when we need help.

SPEAKER_02 6:46

Yeah, absolutely. That's so important, Bob. So when we start to notice, you know, we've been talking a lot about sandwich generation and and becoming a caregiver when you're in that in-between stage of having adult children or or just children, being an adult child yourself and then seeing your parents need this change. And you see that, hey, mom and dad might start needing help here pretty soon. I see some things going on. How do we start that conversation? How do we go there?

SPEAKER_00 7:16

Yeah, you know, it's it is not an easy conversation starter. I'm gonna kind of reverse the question a bit first and talk about how when my parents started talking about end-of-life issues like life support and whether they wanted to be on a ventilator or, you know, life support. And I've been by that time I had been doing this for 15, you know, years, and three of my siblings had worked in our office, in the law office, and all of us were uncomfortable having that conversation with our parents, even though they were the ones that brought it up. Yeah. You know, it should have been us that were bringing it up, but they were the ones that brought it up. And, you know, it's just not the most comfortable conversation at Thanksgiving dinner, right? Or Christmas or whatever it is. But it's so important. Not only just the question of life support and those types of things, but you know, really trying to look at a realistic answer for what do we do if and when. It would be lovely if we were all billionaires and we could just, you know, have catered 24 hour a day care by, you know, multiple people, but the vast majority of us are never going to be able to afford that. And so, you know, it's one thing to say, well, okay, but we have kids and the kids will just quit their jobs and care for us full-time. Well, how okay, that's fine. But then how are they pay their mortgage? You know, how do they pay for their child's education? You know, it's just one of those things that we really have to be realistic about and not just be, you know, put blinders on and say, well, okay, I understand why other families have to deal with this. But my daughter will take care of me because my daughter's a nurse. Well, that's fantastic that your daughter's a nurse, but how is she going to pay her bills if she doesn't get paid as a nurse? You know? Yeah. And so we have to look at different things like government benefits. Sometimes it is possible to pay

Realistic Care Plans Before Emergencies

SPEAKER_00 9:40

family through government benefits and things like that. But I don't want people to think that this is easy because it does require planning. And ideally, you plan ahead. Now, you know, Savannah, you know, most of us don't plan ahead.

SPEAKER_02 9:58

Nope.

SPEAKER_00 9:58

And we can do this. We, you know, when you come into Banner Law Office, we have the ability to plan in a crisis. And don't think you shouldn't come in because it's you feel like there's nothing left to do because it's too late. It's never too late. But it's easier and better and provides a lot better sleep at night if we plan ahead.

SPEAKER_02 10:21

Yeah, absolutely. And so some different conversation starters that I think might be helpful to get into this planning ahead, because again, if you're not even comfortable talking about or peeking inside of your mom's purse, how are we going to talk about what happens if she has a stroke? Right. You know, but that's a really important conversation to have. You know, talking about just long-term care wishes in general. And of course, sometimes it's important to recognize that what we wish for long-term care isn't always the reality for long-term care, just for the quality of care and what's needed because care levels do change. Maybe it could be, hey, mom, where are your power of attorney documents at? Where do we keep those? Do you do you have a will? Where's it at? Right. You know, just having that information at hand could be a I mean, a game changer when the crisis does come, just knowing where those things are. And that I think, and maybe and Bob, you can correct me if I'm wrong, but I think just even those simple questions could be like the icebreaker that you need to get into the nitty-gritty. Or maybe it's even that you've known someone or saw something in the news. Hey, I saw this happen and I I'm concerned that this could happen to you too. Let's talk about it.

SPEAKER_00 11:37

That's really a very great way to put this topic in context because a couple things. Number one is sometimes parents say, oh yeah, we got all that taken care of. But they the last time they went and updated their documents was in 1989. The law has changed so much since then. And I know, and I, you know, I I'm not I'm not at I I I am, you know, have the same experience of it seems like you know, time's going by so much faster than it did when I was younger. And it's like, oh, that was just yesterday, and it was 20 years ago. You know, it doesn't seem that long ago that I graduated from law school and it was 30 years ago. I vividly remember, you know, that day and all of that just doesn't seem that long ago.

SPEAKER_02 12:37

Right. I still say the 90s were 10 years ago and have to remember, oh yeah, wait.

SPEAKER_00 12:41

And so, you know, when we look at it and we say, oh yeah, I'm taken care of, you know, it's not a set it and forget it kind of a thing. Right. If you I would like you to think about legal planning like you do medic medical planning, you know. So if you were to think about it and say, you know, I'm perfectly healthy because I went to the doctor in 2001 and they took my blood and they did my blood pressure and all the things. And in 2001, I was perfectly healthy, so therefore I'm perfectly healthy. Honestly, you should compare that to the legal planning. If you haven't done an update of your legal plan since 2001, it's like saying I haven't been to the doctor since 2001. It literally is the same kind of concept, and it does need to be updated. And one of the things as far as, you know, trying

Conversation Starters And Document Checkups

SPEAKER_00 13:40

to have that conversation with your parents is to make sure, you know, frankly, I think there's a couple things that are really helpful to the conversation. And one of them is most people want to make sure that family matters stay in the family.

SPEAKER_02 14:06

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 14:07

And that's not what happens automatically. The automatic plan is the government gets involved, probate court gets involved, guardianship, conservatorship, there's all these court processes, and it doesn't have to happen that way. Right. It's important that people understand that just because that's the way is the default way, doesn't mean that's what has to happen in your family. And if you're comfortable with, if you have people you love and trust, we should give them power. We should give them authority so that we never end up having to go into court.

SPEAKER_01 14:49

Right.

SPEAKER_00 14:49

And we try to do that when you're healthy, so that when the time comes where you may need that in the future, you're not in a crisis. Because if we don't do that, when we're in a crisis, it's often too late and we have to go into court.

SPEAKER_02 15:05

So if you are just tuning in, you're listening to advice from your advocates, today we're talking about how to have difficult but important conversations with your parents and maybe your kids about the future. Elder Law Attorney Bob Banner is sharing how to open these talks without guilt or with fear. So, Bob, I'd like to sort of talk about the plans that that should be made. You know, you mentioned earlier how important it is to have a plan. What are some plans? Let's say we do that icebreaker question, hey mom, where do you keep your power of attorney documents? And she says, My what? I don't I don't even know what you're talking about. Where do we go from there, Bob?

SPEAKER_00 15:46

So that's interesting because a lot of people don't, you know, often people will say, Well, I just have a will. And I say, okay, well, where did you get that will? Well, I went to a lawyer. Well, if you went to a lawyer, you probably also have a power of attorney. I mean, most lawyers aren't going to have you do just a basic document without having you have because the power the will only takes effect after you die. And so most lawyers understand, well, that's not enough. We need to have a plan for what happens before you die. And so a lot of people don't even realize what documents they have. Right. I I saw this recently where they, you know, the conversation starter was can you help me out here? Can you help me out because I'm worried about what would happen if you get sick? Yeah. And I think that that's a much better way to approach it versus you're gonna get sick and I want to make sure I get to take over.

SPEAKER_02 16:46

Yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 16:47

You know, it's can you help me out because I'm worried about what to do, and I want to make sure we have this conversation. And that is actually a really great way to start that conversation because you know it it just is less threatening, right? It's not about assuming that mom or dad is not going to be able to make all their decisions to the last day of their life, which is, you know, realistically, that's not likely that they would be, but it's not threatening to them, you know. Same thing with husband and wife. One of the things that we note is that in most families, there's, you know, especially if somebody's been married for a long time, you know, if it's been, you know, where you were married and then you weren't married, you know, somebody else or whatever, sometimes it's it's different. But particularly for those that have been married for a long time, one of the spouses takes care of the finances almost always. This has been our experience. And if that person becomes incapacitated or dies, it really leaves the other person in a very difficult position because they're not used to taking care of those things. And if we don't have that set up in a way where they can get the appropriate help that they need, it can really result in disaster. We've seen this many times where, and I'll just make, you know, I'll I'll I'll pick on the then. So it has happened many times where it was the man that was in charge of the money, and then they started experiencing some dementia, and they had done well all their lives, and they had some savings and they had some investments, and then they started experiencing some memory loss, but because of the deference to

Avoiding Court With The Right Authority

SPEAKER_00 18:40

husband or dad, no one would step into the gap.

SPEAKER_02 18:44

Right.

SPEAKER_00 18:45

No one would step in and say, Hey, can I maybe take a look at your checkbook? You know, and they were making very, very bad decisions about their money and blew through a bunch of money that could have protected both of them, could have protected the family. But once we get to that point of dementia, if we don't, if we're not willing to be that courageous person to step in, it could end up being where it costs the family and the spouse, you know, a lot of crisis because of that. And so the idea behind this is what we really need to do is make sure that we have somebody that we love and we trust. Right. And if we have somebody we love and we trust, we should make sure we empower them through power of attorney, probably through a revocable trust document that says that if and when that time comes, that they are able to take over, and that we have a plan for making sure the assets are protected to qualify for the benefits that we might be entitled to that we've paid into for our entire working career.

SPEAKER_02 19:59

Right. Absolutely. And I think it's important to note, you know, that you mentioned getting this power of attorney with an attorney, you know, it's not something that you can just say to your oldest daughter, I trust you the most, I want you in charge. It does it doesn't work like that. And so actually getting this document from an attorney, and and you know, of course there are online ways that you can do this. We caution against that for a number of reasons. Every family's different, every situation is different. Online fillable forms are not gonna give you the same attention to your family's detail, your life. This is your life we're talking about. So I do encourage you not to just go, you know, the easier out, go online, but actually talk to an attorney about this. They're really nice. Well, at least Bob is.

SPEAKER_00 20:44

Yeah, you're right. So, and and and it is an and I know this is gonna sound self-serving, but you know, there are attorneys that specialize in this type of work, and there are attorneys that are more generalists. And I really think that it's best to work with somebody that has that experience, like we do. I had I did a presentation yesterday, and I had a gentleman come up afterwards and a very sincere gentleman, and he had gone to presentations before, he had sat down with attorneys, and he chose not to pursue that because he was he just thought, well, I've already told my oldest daughter that she's to sell the house and divide the proceeds between my three kids. No, that's not the way it works. It doesn't work that way. Not only you know, even if she did, you know, follow your wishes, it's gonna cause her some harm if she does that. You know, we really need to have it done right so that the it's done properly for taxes and through the government, you know, government process. So if, you know, I think people

DIY Planning Mistakes And Blended Families

SPEAKER_00 21:50

think that they can just avoid the complication by just having their oldest child on the deed with them. And that actually is not the way that it Works anymore. It might have been the way that it worked 50 years ago, right? So I think that a lot of people are like, okay, well, let's keep this simple. I'm just gonna put my oldest child in my deed with me. That is honestly probably the worst thing that you could do because it's gonna, first of all, your oldest child, number one, could die before you, could get sick, could have financial trouble, could get sued, their spouse could get sick. You know, there's so many things that cause problems with that idea of we're just trying to make this simple. And the reality is going to a proper lawyer that has experience like Manor Law Group is cheaper, better, more efficient than trying to do these, you know, things that you know might have worked 50 years ago and will not work today. It will not work today. I guarantee it will not work. It will cause more grief and money and cost than doing it the proper way with the proper documents.

SPEAKER_02 23:07

Yeah. And that's such a shame too, because we do hear it often where people say, Oh, I just want everybody to get along when I'm gone. But without having that plan, it's usually the opposite that happens. And it's just nothing's cut and dry ever. And so just, you know, giving your family that leg up and so that they don't have to think about anything like that, they can just grieve and move on, you know, and and think about all the good things and not like, oh my gosh, my brother's going after, you know. And so there's there's no point in doing that when you have another option. There's a better way.

SPEAKER_00 23:40

And Savannah, I want to talk about that particularly because a lot of people think that what they're what we're really talking about is what happens when you die, right? And the reality is that's really important to plan for that. But way more important is what happens before you die. Yeah. You know, this is not 60 years ago. This is not 50 years ago. When in the old age, people would get old, they'd get sick and they die. Now we get old, we get sick and we live. And that is causing a whole bunch of more legal and financial issues than what our grandparents experienced or our parents experienced. And so, you know, it really is important to make sure we have a plan for our life, not just our death.

SPEAKER_02 24:26

Yeah, absolutely. And sometimes when we're having these types of conversations, you know, they can get stuck or it's uncomfortable because maybe not everyone gets along very well, or again, it's just a subject that we're not comfortable talking about. So I think that's another benefit of coming to see someone like you, Bob, is that you can sort of guide the conversation, mediate the conversation, and you know, sort of put out the important information that the family might not even know, like questions that they're not even, you know, aware of that they need to ask, you, you know, might have the answers to. So I think it's important to note that, you know, again, these options, talking to an estate planning attorney is more than just paperwork.

SPEAKER_00 25:11

Right.

SPEAKER_02 25:12

And especially if you are in the the scrum of being a sandwich generation caregiver, you need all the help you can get. Because I know just me being a parent, I need all the help I can get. So I can't imagine having to do both.

SPEAKER_00 25:24

Well, and we talk about blended families or second marriages and things like that. And so many people, you know, they I've had so many people come in and the wife has a will and the husband has a will, and they're they have different destinations. In other words, the the ultimate distribution is different. And the husband says, Well, my stuff's gonna go this way, and the wife says, My stuff's gonna go this way. But before it says that, it says, when I die, everything goes to my spouse.

SPEAKER_02 25:55

Right.

SPEAKER_00 25:56

Okay. So do you really like Las Vegas? Because it's like rolling the dice to say who dies first. Because who dies first, everything goes to the second, you know. Whoever dies second is the one that their kids are gonna get everything under that situation.

SPEAKER_02 26:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 26:12

And that's not the way I think either of them want it to be. But they don't, they're not kind of imagining through the whole process. They're not following through the whole process. So you can't just have one spouse have, you know, okay, my stuff's going this way, but it goes first to my spouse or beneficiary designation. Even if you don't even have a will, you just have a beneficiary designation. Well, if it all says it goes to your spouse, that means it's all gonna go to their kids, meaning that your kids get nothing.

SPEAKER_02 26:41

Right.

SPEAKER_00 26:41

Okay. Or the house. It's joint house, it goes to the spouse. Your kids get nothing if you die first. Do you want to roll the dice to make sure that you, you know, to see that your kids get nothing? Most families don't want that.

SPEAKER_02 26:53

Even though, you know, that's and that's the way it is. And you know, and unless you know all of these like nuanced details that not even every attorney knows, it's attorneys who this is their practice area, they specialize in it, they do it all the time. That's who I want helping me make these types of plans. I don't want to just try to figure it out myself, especially when I'm grieving the loss of my parent or my parent has been diagnosed with you know dementia and is now needing long-term

First Step And Where To Get Help

SPEAKER_02 27:20

care. I don't want to try to figure out all this stuff at the same time. So I think this has just been a great conversation, Bob. And I would like to thank all of you for spending your time with us today on advice from your advocates. If you've been putting off having a hard conversation with your parents or your kids, now is the time to start. You don't have to cover everything in one night, one Thanksgiving dinner, but you just have to take that first step. And for now, if you need help, whether it's creating a plan, having someone to walk your family through it, Bob and the team here at Manor Law Group, we are here for you. You can visit us at ManorLawgroup.com, and that's M-A-N-N-O-R-L-A-W Group.com, or you can call 1-800-990-6030 to schedule your consultation. We'll be back next time with more guidance to help you navigate life's hardest chapters. Until then, remember you don't have to do this alone.

SPEAKER_01 28:20

Thanks for listening. To learn more, visit Manor Law Group.com.