Leadership, Presence, and the Cost of Disconnection - Tracy Brower

Loneliness at work is rising. And it is a structural issue.

In this episode, Tracy Brower, PhD, returns to Why I Left to unpack the growing disconnection inside modern organizations. Fifty percent of people globally report feeling lonely. Leaders feel stretched thin. Teams feel unseen.

Tracy is a sociologist and Vice President of Workplace Insights at Steelcase. She has spent years studying happiness, belonging, and the future of work. In this conversation, she explains why trust is built through consistency, why visibility is not the same as presence, and how culture is defined by the worst behavior it tolerates. She also shares insights from her new book, Critical Connections, unpacking how hustle culture, distraction, and performative presence erode trust and belonging.

If you lead people, this episode will challenge how you think about productivity, accountability, and connection. You will walk away with practical shifts you can make immediately.

Enjoy!

Stay connected with Tracy Brower

Website: https://tracybrower.com

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/tracybrowerphd/

Purchase Critical Connections: https://www.porchlightbooks.com/products/critical-connections-tracy-brower-9781394362264

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Transcript

Brian Aquart (00:22)
Hello, and thanks for tuning in to this episode of Why I Left. A few years ago, I sat down with today's guest to talk about happiness at work, fulfillment, and what people were really searching for as the world of work was being turned upside down. That conversation happened at a moment when many of us were still trying to make sense of disruption. Since then, the questions have changed. It's no longer just

How do I find work that makes me happy? It's how do I stay connected, grounded, and effective in a world that feels increasingly fragmented? Today, I'm excited to welcome back Tracy Brower, a PhD sociologist and vice president of workplace insights at Steelcase. She's also a bestselling author. Tracy has spent years studying fulfillment, community, and the future of work.

In her new book, Critical Connections, tackles one of the most pressing leadership challenges of our time, loneliness, disconnection, and what it costs us at work and in life. This conversation isn't about leaving a job. It's about leaving behind outdated leadership models, performative presence, and cultures that confuse busyness with belonging. Let's go check it out.

Brian Aquart (01:47)
All right, welcome back. So today I'm excited to welcome back Dr. Tracy Brower to the show. If you've been here from the start, you remember Dr. Brower from season two. She's a PhD sociologist, VP of workplace insights at Steelcase and bestselling author of The Secrets to Happiness at Work, Bring Work to Life by Bringing Life to Work and her newest book, Critical Connections.

Tracy's work explores how community, belonging, and presence shape the future of work and leadership at a time when loneliness is quietly reshaping our organizations. This conversation is about what leaders truly need to leave behind and what they must build next. So Tracy, welcome back to Why I Left. How you doing?

Dr. Tracy Brower (02:36)
Thank you.

I'm good. Thanks for having me back. I really appreciate it.

Brian Aquart (02:41)
Yeah, it's season two. can't believe we're in. I'm in season five now. And so season two was, it feels like eons ago, but I loved our initial conversation. I'm so happy when, when we reconnected to talk about some of the things you're doing now. You know, when we last spoke, we were in the middle of this huge global reset. You were already talking about happiness, community and fulfillment before those words were truthfully everywhere. So what shifted for you?

since our last conversation that made Critical Connections the book you felt compelled to right now.

Dr. Tracy Brower (03:15)
Yeah, it's, you know, it's such a good question. And I think for me, it was partly the data, like looking at how many people are lonely today, 50 % of people globally today are lonely. But also, we're just seeing record levels of depression, anxiety, mental health issues. So there's just a lot going on, number one. But then number two, as I was researching and researching happiness, this issue of connection and community just has neon lights around it, right? Like whether we're introverts or extroverts, we

really need some level of connection with other people. And it is fundamental to our well-being, to our sense of wellness, to our sense of even brain health. So the research about what matters, the research about how much it matters really, really led me down this path.

Brian Aquart (04:02)
Yeah. And what I loved about how you're talking about loneliness in this regard is because oftentimes when I hear about at least out there in the social media space, when people talk about loneliness, it relates to the relationship sides of things, right? So whether it's male loneliness, female loneliness, those types of things. But I like how you're talking about this loneliness at work conversation. You know, in some of my work with leaders, I've seen this kind of growing gap between how connected leaders think they are

and how connected their teams actually feel. And so you're framing loneliness as a leadership issue, not a personal one, which I love. Why is that distinction so important now?

Dr. Tracy Brower (04:43)
Yeah, I actually think it's a both and. And I think it's about both agency and structure. Agency, like we are empowered to create our own conditions. We need to feel that level of agency and control over our lives. And there are structural issues around culture and around the way that we design policies or practices or, you know, the ways that things get done around here, the ways that we lead. So I think it's a both and.

Brian Aquart (04:46)
Hmm.

Dr. Tracy Brower (05:09)
But one of the things I really, like is the thinking about that leaders aren't responsible for other people's well-being or connection or loneliness. They are responsible to create the conditions for connection, create the conditions for a great culture, create the conditions for happiness. And so I think that's a really important distinction. So it's like we're not holding leaders accountable for everybody else's woes and we're not divesting ourselves of agencies

and empowerment as individuals. But we are thinking about it as both and, and I think really helping leaders to think about what is their role and responsibility and how can they be really helpful as humans to connect other humans.

Brian Aquart (05:51)
Yeah. And for the leaders that you talked to about this, making that distinction, do you find that they're, they're like light bulbs going off with some of them when they start having these realizations?

Dr. Tracy Brower (06:02)
Yeah, absolutely. I mean, I think one of the pitfalls of leadership can be that we feel like we're responsible for everything, which is great, right? Like we want responsibility, we want obligation. And actually, those are also fundamental to our well-being when we feel obligated in a really constructive and positive way to other people. That's great. And one of the hallmarks of great leadership is people who step forward, who take initiative, who own it, right? And I think one of the

pitfalls can be if leaders think they own it all and if leaders think that they're responsible for all of it. If leaders think that they have to make people happy all the time. I think that can be really really hard. So I think it's this kind of ⁓ opportunity to leave behind that feeling of responsibility for everything and finding that balance in terms of what we can control and what we can leave behind.

Brian Aquart (06:56)
That makes a lot of sense. You talk about overwhelm and hustle culture, really eroding connection, which we see so much of it, especially online. Where do leaders unintentionally contribute to that erosion?

Dr. Tracy Brower (07:10)
Yeah, this is a big one. One of the things that we've done is we go faster and faster and faster in our lives. And we process things at superficial levels. And we're constantly scrolling and moving around and doing all the things. And even when we're driving, right, we're at a red light and we're checking, you know, checking email or something. So we kind of are in this mode ourselves. And we've elevated convenience over connection. We don't talk to the barista anymore. We order on the app. We don't talk to the checkout person.

we get the delivery at our door. And in our work.

worlds. I think we also are emphasizing go fast, get it done. And what leaders might be unintentionally doing is kind of emphasizing productivity. Like of course we want productivity, of course we want results, of course we want outcomes. That's great. Leadership is when we feel like we're moving together towards something that matters and we're really working toward that. And I think we can think even more broadly than just productivity. How do we think about holding people accountable for how they contribute to the culture?

How do we think about holding people accountable for the bigger picture of, you know, performance and the way that we're mentoring others? How do we think about holding people accountable for kind of the behaviors that they're contributing and the ways that they might be a fundamental part of modeling the behaviors that we want in the culture? So I think some of those are things that leaders may inadvertently do. I think the other thing is the number one way we learn is through watching other people, listening to other people.

experiencing them. And there's this leadership laser that tends to happen. Like we tend to over index on leaders. We listen to what they say, we pay attention to the words that they use, we pay attention to their, you know, manner, and we make deductions from that for better or for worse. So I think when leaders are themselves kind of running so fast, or not setting their own boundaries, that can send a message to others that that's how they should act. Like, I know there's a lot of leaders

to say, there's so much going on and I don't want it to hit my team, so I'm gonna work all weekend instead of my team working all weekend, which is so great and respectful, but then they're also inadvertently sending a message that we all need to hustle in that way. So when leaders can manage their own choices and behaviors, it goes a long way for other people as well.

Brian Aquart (09:34)
wholeheartedly agree. And you mentioned something too about the accountability piece is so important, not only for the individual, well, obviously all organizations are run by individuals, but the individual themselves, but the organization as a whole too, sharing some accountability in how they are showcasing their culture, right? So think that's something I really picked up with what you just said.

Dr. Tracy Brower (09:58)
Yeah, you know, there's a really, really great quote I've always remembered. It's about it's like a culture is significantly determined by the worst behavior it will tolerate.

So, right, like if we're not holding people accountable, if we say, ⁓ that person, they're kind of a jerk, but they're really good at, you know, driving sales or something, right? And we keep them around that says something to the rest of the organization about what we value and what we elevate and what we prioritize. So, love your point. Absolutely. It's an organizational issue as well.

Brian Aquart (10:31)
Yeah. You know, is there a moment where leaders confuse visibility with presence? And if so, how does that show up in organizations?

Dr. Tracy Brower (10:41)
Yeah, I think so. think the it's harder and harder to be present with each other today. We are just naturally more distracted. In fact, there's that great sense that attention is the most scarce resource today. So I do think sometimes it can be confusing to think about the difference between visibility and real presence. And so when leaders are able to be attuned to people tuned in asking questions, not just physically

but emotionally present. I think that's the difference is that emotional presence. I'm not just here in body. I'm here in body and mind and heart. Like I'm really paying attention to you and what you're going through or how I can help or what direction might be useful. All of those things make a huge difference.

Brian Aquart (11:27)
Yeah, and I think there is a level of intentionality on the leaders part to ensure that they're doing that. And I really like what you made there because I do think there's a huge difference there. And a lot of times, let's be honest, nobody's perfect. as we, you everyone's had a leader before where they're like, they're not really here for the people, right? You know, so I definitely could understand that.

Dr. Tracy Brower (11:49)
Yeah, absolutely. And we can all pick up on that, right? In your word, intentionality. Absolutely. It's we're there emotionally, but we're also intentional about being present, about being conscious, about being in the moment together. And we can tell when that presence isn't there, whether we're on video or whether we're even just voice, and certainly when we're present together in person.

Brian Aquart (12:12)
Yeah, no, without a doubt. We'd love to talk a little bit about really that presence, maybe a little bit of voice as well as trust. You know, one of the things I've seen, we've optimized in a lot of places for efficiency, right? But something seems to have quietly eroded along the way. You've actually introduced this concept of social jet lag. What does that look like in real leadership moments that actually matter?

Dr. Tracy Brower (12:37)
Yeah, social jet lag is the sense that we just don't feel as in touch with our own sort of emotional intelligence and staying in touch with what's going on around us. So people show up and they're, I don't know, they're doing conference calls out in the open environment and disturbing people around them. Or people say, I'm just so nervous to go to the conference. You know, like I feel like I can't mingle or mix anymore. There's new data that people are feeling like their social skills have

atrophy,

like they don't feel as comfortable making eye contact or making conversation or approaching somebody in a group. So we definitely have this social jet lag at all levels. And I think one of the things that we can think about leaders doing in these moments that matter is checking in with people and asking them how they're doing because that demonstrates not just that I care how you're doing, but that I've paid attention enough to even be interested in asking the question. I think another thing we

can do in terms of overcoming social jet lag and staying in tune with each other is leaders thinking about and asking people what do they really want for their careers, right? Like sometimes we assume that people want to kind of rise and sometimes it's about horizontal development or diagonal development or greater flexibility. So when we think about really checking in with people about what's most important to them and thinking about career fit. The other thing that I think from a social jet lag perspective is just the

of kind of presence and consistency. When leaders are super present and accessible, and that doesn't mean leaders have to be 24-7, but when they're accessible, when they follow up thoroughly, when they see a question, an email, and they answer the whole email and don't leave anything out, right, or ignore anything, when they're consistent in how responsive they are and getting back to people, all of that I think is

counter to social jet lag because it demonstrates the importance of those connections through the behaviors that we're demonstrating.

Brian Aquart (14:39)
Yeah, and you know, we've talked a lot about this, this difference being visible and presence, which I think is such a key distinction from some of the research. What does separate leaders who for themselves like feel genuinely present from those who are simply on like, is there anything that the research has found from an intrinsic standpoint?

Dr. Tracy Brower (14:59)
Yeah, for sure. mean, it's it is that emotional connection. It's that attunement. But there's really cool research on this as well. One of the number one ways that leaders generate trust is when they're present and accessible. That's one we've talked about. Another is that leaders generate trust when they're very predictable. In fact, there were some social experiments that were done in academic settings with, you know, academic approvals and all the

things. And they asked leaders to treat an experimental group kind of always great, always respectful, always in a really positive way. That was one experimental group. Second experimental group, the leader was always bad, just kind of always in a bad mood, grumpy, not super respectful, all the things. And then the third experimental situation was sometimes a leader was pretty good and other times the leader was having a bad day, leader was grumpy, leader was disrespectful.

And so then they ask people, what do you prefer? What's the better kind of leadership that you prefer? And of course, the number one answer was the leader that's always good and respectful, right? No rocket science there. But the really interesting thing about the experiment was that people preferred the bad leader who was consistent over the leader who was sometimes positive, sometimes negative. People wanted to know what they could count on. So even if it was somebody who was going to be

kind of always grumpy, at least I know, at least I'm not walking on eggshells, at least I'm not guessing all the time. And so I think that's just really interesting. And not that we're recommending that leaders be consistently bad, but the lesson is, I think, around consistency and predictability, that when people have something they can count on, always respectful, always tuned in, always present, always not just visible, but emotionally tuned in,

Brian Aquart (16:58)
That is so fascinating because now I go back to a time when I was a former investigator, right? And I used to, unfortunately, have to investigate issues of ⁓ different bad actors, right? And one of the things that was very persistent was that when you had someone, let's say, who was behaving inappropriately at work, and it was consistent and persistent over time,

It was like, well, how is this person still here? And you'd often get, oh, well, that's just how Judy or Susie is, right? And that people have become accustomed to their bad behavior to the point where they don't then discipline appropriately because of that behavior until, of course, it gets really far down the line and you have 15 other witnesses, right, who are coming forth with this.

And that's an issue. so I see, I see that's so interesting that you say that because I've seen this almost play out, you know, I'm not a researcher, but I've seen this play out in the workplace from an investigative standpoint. Like, why am I, why am I investing this 15th complaint for that? Like how did this even get here? And I think it's because, like you said, people know what they to expect with this person and they've just kind of gotten accustomed.

Dr. Tracy Brower (18:20)
Yeah, exactly. Or there may be people who aren't Pollyanna. They aren't always, you know, singing from the rooftops, but we kind of know what to expect. they're still well-intentioned and they're treating people respectfully, right? Even if they're not, you know, all over the moon. I was, I actually had a really interesting meeting with a school system and they were a K through 12 system. And they were trying to really be forward

thinking and cutting edge about teaching children how to be emotionally responsible, emotionally intelligent. And one of the things they used to ask children is, was your behavior something that somebody else would have expected? Was your behavior expected? So that was helping children to realize, this little thing happened and I flew off the handle. It isn't what somebody would expect or, you know, this this little thing happened and I became really upset or frustrated or over the top.

on it and I think it's a really interesting way to think about emotional regulation and back to that agency we were talking about like how am I managing myself and is my behavior within that social norm that that that sort of range of what we what we want from other people so that we feel more connected so that we feel respected so that we feel able to be ourselves fully at work

Brian Aquart (19:41)
Yeah, I love that. You know, a core part of some of the work I do outside of just my day-to-day work is really helping leaders clarify their own voice before they try to like scale their influence. Why is internal clarity so foundational to building real connection and trust?

Dr. Tracy Brower (20:02)
my gosh, I think this is so cool the way that you talk about it. Clarify your voice before you try to scale. I just think that is so impactful, partly because we are in a VUCA world, VUCA every good acronym, right? Lots of acronyms in the world, but we're volatile. It's uncertain. It's complex. It's ambiguous. It's a VUCA world that we're in. And so when leaders are able to be clear about their own voice,

they can bring a sense of stability, can bring a sense of a center of gravity, they can bring a sense of stability through all that VUCA. And I think the thing that is hard for leaders sometimes is that people look at them as a single source of truth quote unquote, right? Even if leaders don't mean to be all that, people look to leaders so significantly. And so when leaders are able to be really clear about their own voice, really clear

about their own values. I think it really gives a sense of stability, really gives a sense of center of gravity, really gives a sense of backstop. The other research on this that's really cool is that we tend to trust people who are legible. We trust people that we can read. Like if somebody's a really really good poker player and totally Teflon and we can never read them, that's actually someone that we're less likely to trust because we're just not sure how to get a sense of

Brian Aquart (21:18)
Hmm.

Dr. Tracy Brower (21:31)
them and therefore a sense of ourselves because we understand ourselves through other people. So a really important reason that clarity of your own voice and your own values is important is because then you're legible. You're able to generate trust. You're able to, as you use the word scale, especially in this kind of VUCA world.

Brian Aquart (21:52)
Yeah, I like that. And I learned something new, VUCA. I've not heard that acronym before, but I love it. Exactly. You know, when we think about like a lot of the work that you and I are involved in, clearly high stakes environments, right? And as you mentioned, trust often shows up in these small, repeatable, consistent behaviors. You highlight behaviors like initiative, humility, and consistency.

Dr. Tracy Brower (21:57)
Never have to do acronyms, right?

Brian Aquart (22:18)
Which one clearly separates trusted leaders from the rest? Or is it all three?

Dr. Tracy Brower (22:24)
Yeah, I really do think it's presence and accessibility, which we talked a little bit about. I really think it's about consistency. Those will separate leaders who are able to really generate trust. But the other thing that there is really great research around is humility. And we tend to trust people most and want to have a relationship with people who have some level of humility. And it's this mix, right? We want people who are

Brian Aquart (22:29)
Mm-hmm.

Dr. Tracy Brower (22:52)
legible and clear about who they are and what they believe. We want people who are strong in their convictions and transparent about them. And we also want people around us who don't think they have all the answers, who believe that there are other good answers around them, who are ⁓

you offer humility in terms of saying, hey, I don't have this all figured out or hey, I feel really sure about these things and I really, really have some questions about these or I'm, you know, feeling really confident about this, but I'm certainly not good at this or this, right? Like none of us are good at everything. And so when people and leaders in particular demonstrate both confidence and some humility, that really tends to build trust. And part of the reason is that it demonstrates empathy as well, right?

none of us have it all figured out. We're all trying to kind of find our way out of the paper bag if you will. So when leaders around us are both confident and authentic and clear in how they are still working things through, I it makes a big difference.

Brian Aquart (23:55)
It does. It does. know, we're talking a lot now about creating these connections and building that trust. But let's be honest, at times people can make mistakes and trust can be broken. So how do leaders go about rebuilding connection after trust has either been strained or broken?

Dr. Tracy Brower (24:17)
yeah, this one's a big deal, because also we're moving so fast and there's so many decisions that leaders are making with little information, right? Because we're moving so fast, we don't always have the information. So it's really easy to make mistakes, both mistakes in terms of content and the nature of the work and mistakes in terms of like, just how we interact with each other and how we could have shown up better or done better.

Brian Aquart (24:21)
Right.

Dr. Tracy Brower (24:42)
So I think one thing leaders can do is admit mistakes, right? Like, gosh, I didn't say that quite the way I wanted to, or I didn't approach that quite the way I wish I had. Asking people to forgive and understand. I think another really big thing is we believe the way that people act more than we believe what they say. And so we've all worked with leaders who will say, I'm really sorry. And then they think that's good to move on. But what we really want to see is that leaders are behaving differently over time.

I always like to say that, you know, there's a lot of pressure to be a leader. There's some research that 69 % of people say their leader makes a bigger difference to their mental health than their doctor or their therapist and about the same as their partner. it's like, as if we didn't have enough to worry about, right? good news is like, that's a wonderful opportunity, like we can have a huge positive impact. But, but I don't think leaders need to be perfect. They just need to

Brian Aquart (25:26)
That's a big number. Wow. Yeah.

Dr. Tracy Brower (25:40)
Demonstrate that they're trying to make progress like we sometimes we expect perfection from ourselves as leaders But others aren't necessarily expecting perfection They're expecting us to want to do better to want to grow all the time to if we make a mistake Admit it ask forgiveness Demonstrate new behavior and I like to think about that too as Intellectual humility right like I didn't get this one right. I could really use your help on the next one

Brian Aquart (26:12)
Yeah, that's great advice. We talked about being intentional with connections and our own styles. At times I hear leaders say things like, have great culture, but they can't always explain how it's actually built. And so how can leaders be more intentional about designing connection rather than leaving their culture to chance?

Dr. Tracy Brower (26:36)
Yeah, if we have a culture of connection, we are so far ahead in terms of discretionary effort and people feeling good about their work and retention and innovation and all the outcomes that we want. So there's lots and lots of research on culture and four of the things that matter the most. Every culture is different. Obviously a tech culture is different than a financial or a manufacturing culture. So really understand that.

But there's four things that work really, really well in terms of delivering value to employees, to shareholders, to stakeholders, to customers, to you name it. And first of all, people in a great culture crave vision, mission, and direction. They want strong leadership. We all want strong leadership. The second thing people crave in a great culture is involvement and participation and a feeling of ownership. And those are in dynamic tension together. We really want strong direction.

And we want to feel like authors of our destiny. I think leaders create a culture of connection when they create clear direction. Like, why would we move together in this direction? What direction are we moving together? Right? Like, how do we create a shared sense of purpose that motivates people? So that's one element of connection. And then the other element of connection is how are we participating together? How are we involved together? How are we asking people for their input? We create a culture of connection when we have the

opportunity for meaningful participation and ownership in the process. The third thing every culture needs is some level of consistency. Like we have a way to deal with conflict, we have clear swim lanes, we have clear expectations. Even the startup in the garage where we're figuring out and we're wearing lots of hats, we still have some consistency in terms of what we're expecting from each other. So that's a third piece. And a fourth is every great culture needs a way to

learn and innovate and change and adapt. And those are also in dynamic tension. Like we need consistency. I don't want every single minute of my day to be different from the last, but we also need to be able to kind of learn from customers, from the market, from competitors and really learn together. And we create the opportunities for connection when we have clear expectations of each other, when we have clear, constructive ways to work through differences of opinion and conflict, when we are learning together.

and

learning in the trenches, know, kind of doing the work and rolling up sleeves together. So those four elements are I think a really nice kind of thinking model in terms of how we create connection, vision, mission, direction, involvement, consistency, and great adaptability and learning.

Brian Aquart (29:16)
I love that and it's very, very clear. love when you kind of lay it out. I remember you did this in our first conversation too. I love how you listed out for it because it gives us like not only myself, but also the audience be like, okay, these are the things that we can put in place for this. And I would imagine, you know, doing those things, this is what would happen when leaders stop leaving connection to chance, right? They design it in this way and they're much more strategic about it.

You know, when, folks are building connection, I think the other big pieces is you build this connection because you hope people and those who work in the org, they get this sense of belonging, right? How do organizations truly build belonging without turning it into another checkbox type of initiative?

Dr. Tracy Brower (30:06)
Yeah, and I think belonging is so interesting because we don't get a sense of belonging just from being together. We get a sense of belonging from a shared sense of social identity. So sometimes we say, let's have another wine and cheese or let's have another pizza party, right? But that isn't necessarily what builds belonging.

Brian Aquart (30:14)
Right.

Dr. Tracy Brower (30:28)
What builds belonging is a shared sense of purpose together, a really clear understanding of what we need to do together. That shared sense of purpose is important because a lot of times we get a sense of meaning more individually. Like my work is meaningful to me, my career is meaningful to me, I have meaning in my job.

is something a lot of times we experience collectively. Like we show up together to do something that links to the bigger picture that we can uniquely contribute to that makes a difference for real human beings. So a really big way that leaders create belonging is by giving people a sense of purpose. So being really clear about the bigger picture purpose but then really clearly communicating with people how their work contributes to that purpose and how they uniquely contribute to that purpose. So it's not just their job description or

the swim lane that they're in, but it's how they uniquely contribute. And the other thing that really builds belonging is shared expectations and shared mutual goals. Like we tend to have a myth that the best team building comes through, know, team building, escape rooms, I don't know, cooking classes together, Or rock climbing together. Those are great. Those do help build teams. But what builds belonging and teams even more

more strongly is when we roll up sleeves together, when we're working on something together. It's a task orientation together. And the reason it builds belonging is that we're relying on each other. And that's super validating. Like, ⁓ you need me to try to help accomplish this thing. I fit here in this team. And this team needs what I'm offering and contributing. So those are some practical ways to build belonging.

Brian Aquart (32:13)
I really appreciate that last response there. I think it's really crucial. One of the things that I've noticed is you've been studying this obviously for years, but this book feels especially personal, right? What surprised you most while researching critical connections?

Dr. Tracy Brower (32:31)
Yeah, I always ask this question of other people myself, what surprised you the most, right? Because it tends to unlock certain assumptions that we had. I think for me, what surprised me most was the flywheel, like in the reinforcing loops that can happen.

When people are lonely, they have a harder time connecting with others. Literally, neurologically, it is harder to make connections. And when you do make a connection, like you see somebody at a gathering or you talk to somebody on, I don't know, FaceTime or something, you feel less positive about that. You literally get less of the positive neurochemical hits if you're lonely and you make a connection versus if you're not lonely and make a

So there's this like spiral that can happen, right? The opposite is also true. When we make small steps toward connecting, those small steps can really add up. And so one of the surprises to me was just how critical those small steps are and how important that is in terms of our connection. So we might be feeling really lonely, it might be hard to get off the couch, it might be hard to get motivated. But if we can just take that little step that moves us to the next step, and the next

I think that that makes such a big difference. There's some really nice research on what helps us to feel fulfilled at work and a lot of people the number one thing people say when they leave a great day at work versus a yuck day at work. They say I felt like I made progress. Like we don't need to solve the big giant thing. We don't need to finish the big giant thing we're working on necessarily, but feeling like we made progress.

Brian Aquart (33:57)
yeah.

Dr. Tracy Brower (34:18)
And so I think that's a really big part of it is the surprise for me was how those small steps really make a difference. And I think the other thing for us to keep in mind is just the mindset behind them, right? Like a mindset where we're feeling gratitude is huge. Like, my gosh, I saw my coworker today and we laughed at this thing that we remembered from years ago. Like, that's really cool. It seems like nothing, but it's really cool. And so that makes us want to come to the office the next day or the next or show up on

the next day or the next. So I think that was the surprise is how small how the big things are can be the small things and vice versa.

Brian Aquart (34:50)
Yeah.

You know, that really resonates with me, especially the piece around progress. I think about the work that I do day to day and how a lot of the demographics I work with are mainly high school students. But what really keeps me going is the fact that like I've played some small part in exposing them to something that they never thought was possible for them. And then you hear the feedback from them and you're like, you know what?

Even when it gets tough, like, all right, good. Well, one person, right? It's like one individual. That's what keeps me going. So that piece you mentioned about progress, that was really touching me right now because I'm like, that's like me every day. Like I'm feeling, I feel that day to day in the work that I do in healthcare. So I appreciate you naming that. Yeah.

Dr. Tracy Brower (35:42)
Love that.

You

know what else you said that I think is such a big deal is that you help them have a new thought. Because sometimes we can get so entrenched in our tracks, right? Like you think about things in the same way all the time. And I think that's a really big deal for leaders to help people think about their thinking, to give them a new idea, to give them a new way to think about it. Because if we're one of the hallmarks of depression or loneliness is that our world feels like it's closing in.

And when we're under stress or threat, physiologically, we have less peripheral vision because we're, you know, focused on the tree that we're running toward to get away from the saber-toothed tiger, right? Because we're going to climb the tree and get away. So there's deep instinctual patterns toward kind of this closing in of our focus when we feel lonely or upset or overwhelmed. And so when leaders can help us kind of expand that point of view, and like you said, give us maybe that one new idea that we hadn't thought

a new way to think about something, a new way to solve something. I think that makes a huge difference.

Brian Aquart (36:48)
You know, I also often find that growth as a leader and truthfully just as human beings, it requires unlearning before learning. So curious about you, what's one belief about leadership that you actually had to let go of?

Dr. Tracy Brower (37:05)
Yeah, that's a really, really good one. ⁓ I think I had to let go of the idea that leadership is static. I think that sometimes we can think of, that's a great leader. my gosh, right? Like that leader has really kind of hit top of their game and they have it all figured out. And, and I see, especially in that VUCA world we were talking about, leadership is always evolving and changing. And one of my favorite leadership models, it's a super classic model.

the Hershey Blanchard leadership model. It talks about also like adjusting based on the kind of person that you're working with, right? Like if they're newer or if they're more seasoned depending on their competency levels. So I think that's one of the things to constantly be reminders, remind ourselves of is that leadership isn't static. It's not something we achieve, accomplish, hit the top of the mountain. It's something we're consistently inventing, reinventing, growing. We're staying clear with our

values and our principles, we're staying true to ourselves, but we're also evolving and growing with the context and how it's changing and the people around us and what they need.

Brian Aquart (38:15)
Yeah, that's so crucial. know, during our first conversation, I got a lot of good feedback on the advice section from your specific episode. And so I've kept it in there. And so of course I have some advice I'd love for you to share with the audience. You know, for leaders who are listening now, who may feel stretched thin or even overloaded, what is one small meaningful shift they can make to build stronger connections right now?

Dr. Tracy Brower (38:45)
Yeah, that's a really, really good one. I think one meaningful shift they can make to build stronger connections right now is to really ⁓ have a sense of gratitude. I think a lot of times we're overwhelmed and we're stretched thin because we're working, working, working for the next thing, which is great. Like that's the human condition, right? We always want to do better. We always want to do more. But I think in order to work through the overwhelm, gratitude is a way of thinking that helps us remind

number that we kind of have enough that or even if we want to still work toward goals, there's things that we're absolutely satisfied with. Like we really appreciate our family or our relationships or the competencies that we've built or we appreciate, you know, where we've gotten to so far. So I think a small habit is to be intentional about gratitude, waking up and thinking, what do I feel grateful for today or going to bed at night thinking, what do I feel grateful for? Not in terms of things or material possessions,

necessarily, as I said, competencies or people or relationships. And I think another meaningful thing we can do is just to be really intentional about connecting with other people, like reach out and have coffee. When we don't have time for coffee is when we need coffee, right? Like, and I don't mean the coffee, I mean the connection. I was, I was talking to somebody and he said he invited somebody for coffee and the person said, I don't drink coffee. Like, no, no, that wasn't the point. The point was, let's get

Brian Aquart (40:02)
Right.

That's not the point.

Dr. Tracy Brower (40:14)
together,

right? So just when we feel the most stretch, the most overwhelmed, when we have that touchstone, that center of gravity of other people, that makes a huge difference. It might be a half hour over coffee, it might be making a point to go, you know, grab a glass of water in the little work cafe between meetings and just have a chance to interact with others. When we make time for that, it actually rejuvenates us and feeds us in terms of our pleasure, chemicals in our brain and

sense of community and a sense of importance and connection to others.

Brian Aquart (40:48)
That is so

key, especially remote driven world that we live in. So I'm glad that you raised that. You know, if someone is questioning the sustainability of their current path, what questions should they ask themselves first?

Dr. Tracy Brower (41:06)
There's so much data right now about people who are doing a lot of soul searching about leadership, because leadership is legitimately harder today, I think, than it's ever been. So I think the first thing is validate the work that you're doing. Take a deep breath and kind of know that we are climbing a collective mountain, and we will get through it. And that work that you're doing as a leader is so incredibly valuable for other people. And then I think another question we can ask ourselves is, to what extent do we have an overlap between what we love to do

and what we have to do. Like think about a Venn diagram and remind yourself you're never going to have total overlap between those circles in the Venn diagram, right? Like there's always things that we do that wouldn't necessarily be our favorite. But if we have enough of an overlap between what we love to do and what we have to do, that tends to give us a greater sense of fulfillment and motivate us to keep going. And if we don't feel like we have enough overlap, then I think we're in a position to say, huh, what are the other options that I could think about, right? Like

What are the new projects that I could take initiative toward? What are the things that I could do outside of my work in my personal life? Because statistically there's a spillover. We all know there's a spillover from work to personal. If we're happier at work, we tend to feel happier in our personal lives. The opposite is also true. If we're happier outside of work, we perceive greater happiness inside of work. So that might be volunteer work. It might be, you know, work with our community. It might be work with our family.

be time that we spend with you know neighbors or friends. So as we think about how do we spend our time so that we get the most overlap between what we're spending time on, what we have to do, and what we love to do.

Brian Aquart (42:50)
that. And look, and despite everything we're naming, your work is ultimately hopeful, which is I want to be very clear, like, and that's what I love about even the first book, and obviously this one as well. What gives you that optimism about the future of leadership?

Dr. Tracy Brower (43:04)
Yeah, we've got to stay optimistic. You know what I always say too is leadership by itself is inherently optimistic, right? Like what is leadership? We're setting direction toward the future. We're setting expectations. We're thinking about where we're going. We're motivating and engaging toward where we're going. That all is very future focused and when we're future focused there's an optimistic characteristic to that. What makes me optimistic today is that we are having this conversation about the meaning of work, about the meaning of leadership,

about how to be better and better and better leaders. And the thing that is also important is that we're at such a turning point with so much going on, right? Polarization and unrest and overwhelm in our society. And when lots of things are happening, it causes us to think hard. It causes us to be talking to each other. It causes us to be in a conscious dialogue with each other about where we go from

here. And so I think we can be in that conversation about where we go from here. And that gives me optimism about, you know, how many how many of us want to find a find a way toward, you know, great organizations and great leadership and conditions for lots of connection, and less loneliness or overwhelm among all of us.

Brian Aquart (44:23)
I'd love to, again, flip the mic to you now. You've spent a lot of years, as we've talked about, studying connection and leadership. And based on our conversation and the work I do with leaders, what's one question you think leaders should be asking themselves right now that you'd like me to respond to?

Dr. Tracy Brower (44:43)
I guess a question for me, we talked about how leaders are really modeling the way and there's that laser on leaders. So what's the what are the few key leadership behaviors that you think are most critical for leaders to model?

Brian Aquart (44:59)
That's a great question. I think some of the best things that they should model are around clear communication. I think when it, I've seen a lot of different scenarios where people don't follow certain leaders because they're not clear on where we're all going. And having that disconnect or having that lack of understanding on where is this ship going to?

it puts people in a position where they're a little uneasy. So it's like, I don't know what I should be, should I be working on this type of project because I think it's in furtherance of said mission, but I don't hear the leader talking about that mission and I'm not sure that it actually connects. So am I wasting time on doing this or is this something that is in furtherance of not only of their goals, but of the organizational goals?

And I think there's a lot of...

miscommunications or I should say misunderstandings as it relates to that. or just individuals not having an understanding of what their leader is trying to drive forward and how it all connects to the quote unquote greater good. And so I think that is one thing that I would say that that

communicate that clarity of communication around why we're doing what we're doing and here's why what we're doing is important.

Dr. Tracy Brower (46:28)
Wow, that's awesome. So much in there. That's really, really helpful. That clarity on so many levels, right? Very cool.

Brian Aquart (46:35)
Yeah,

yeah. Well, I want to just thank you so much again for coming on the show today, coming back to the program. And we'd love for you to share where our audience can connect with you, your book, and obviously support your work.

Dr. Tracy Brower (46:50)
Yeah, thank you. Thank you. Thank you again for having me. I love our conversation. So people can find me at Tracy Brower.com. There's information there on all of my books and where to buy you can find my new book critical connections any place that books are sold from Amazon to anywhere else. I'm on LinkedIn, Tracy Brower PhD and all the usual social channels and I would love for people to reach out and tell me how how you're thinking about it differently. I think we just have so much to learn from each other. So would love for

Brian Aquart (47:22)
Absolutely. Well, thank you for all of that info. And look, that'll do it for today's episode. Again, I wanna thank our guest, Dr. Tracy Brower, for joining us today. And I'll share all of her information in the show notes. And I hope you all picked up something, you learned something about how critical connections are, and I hope you have a great week, and we'll definitely see you next time. Tracy, thank you.

Dr. Tracy Brower (47:44)
Thank you.

Brian Aquart (47:45)
Thanks for listening to Why I Left. Join us next time for more inspiring stories about growth, resilience, and transformation. Visit us online at www.whyileft.co. That's whyileft.co.