Raising Self-Reliant Problem Solvers: The Balance Between Connection and Autonomy

Ever feel the weight of perfect parenting pressing down on you? Join me as we navigate the balancing act of connecting with our kids while granting them the freedom to discover themselves. In this conversation, we'll confront the modern parental dilemma of being ever-present while unintentionally steering our children toward dependency on constant adult input. We'll tackle the idea that every moment must be maximized, and reflect on the importance of stepping back to encourage children to become self-reliant problem-solvers. I'll reveal a strategy I call 'stating the obvious' that teaches our little ones connection is a conscious choice, not an on-demand service.

As a generation of parents clocking in more face-time with our kids than ever, we might be missing the mark on fostering the very traits we value—self-reliance and the ability to handle conflict. I navigate these contradictions to uncover the delicate balance between supporting our kids and giving them the freedom to grow.

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The music for this podcast is written and produced by Jazlyn B with the guidance of Sabine Ndalamba

Note: This podcast is created for educational purposes only. Any references links, resources or content are not intended as a substitute for medical or professional mental health advice.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:48

Today's topic is connection. So there are a couple different things that people say to me when it comes to connection. One is hey, I want to make sure I am building a strong and connected relationship with my children, which is a really important foundation for parent-child relationships in general. The other thing I hear is the flip side. Tara, I am seriously exhausted. I literally couldn't be more present than I am. I'm doing all the things, I'm showing up in all the ways and we don't seem to have the relationship I was hoping for, or we're still having challenges that I wasn't anticipating because I've been working so hard to have this relationship. So there's a couple things and I talked a bit about this last episode, this idea that we are one of the most present parents in history. That means we are showing up for kids and in some ways this is truly amazing and in other ways, it really is creating some challenges for us. So let's dig into this topic a little bit.

Speaker 1: 1:44

I wrote a white paper about this at the beginning of the pandemic and one of the things I was talking about coming sort of with my preschool into the early stages is something I was noticing. Now I am centered in Canada, so sort of my ideas and information will come from there. I know different sort of countries have different parental leaves. Here it is a year, 18 months, depending on sort of how you work it. But one of the things that I noticed as sort of this like unwritten rule is that there's this mindset that during that parental leave year you should maximize your experiences as much as possible, you should do as much as you can to build a relationship with your child and get out into the world and experience lots of stuff. And I think one of the things that's tricky about this is we're starting our sort of relationship with children in this like pressure cooking parenting situation, and what happens after that is often kids will then transfer or transition into daycares or nannies or some kind of care situation and in those spaces again kids are busy and entertained and occupied. And something that's really interesting to reflect on is when we're thinking about sort of very young children. In those spaces we are employing people and our expectation of that employment relationship is that our kids are healthy and well cared for and generally doing a lot of things, because that's sort of how we benchmark their experiences in those spaces. One of the things that I sort of want to put out into the world is maybe we should be questioning that a little bit more.

Speaker 1: 3:23

One of the things that's really missing from childhood is not constantly doing, not constantly having adult direction. And I see this playing out with the people that I work with, because one of the things they say to me is my kids cannot be alone, they cannot do things independently, they cannot handle boredom. And, yes, a lot of people will be like yeah, that's technology. I think there's more to it than that. I think it's also because we have taught children from a very early age that if an adult is around, that adult is going to entertain them. We've also taught children from a very early age that if they have anything that needs to be problem solved, an adult will problem solve it for you.

Speaker 1: 4:04

Now here's the tricky piece how do we strike a balance? Because showing up and being connected is super important, but in that process, I think we're taking away some really valuable skills from children the ability to sort of resolve some conflicts on their own, to be able to sit and not be directed and guided, and constantly entertained to try and sort of figure that out. And we don't do it on purpose. It's this unintentional thing and, as I said, I call it the pressure cooker. Parenting right, got to maximize our time. Got to maximize our time and especially for sort of away from the home all day. We don't see our children because they're in these spaces. We really want that period of time after daycare, school etc. To be valuable and fun and joyful and engaging. And typically that's not what it looks like, because everybody's had long exhausting days and their capacity for showing up has sort of greatly diminished. But also, kids are just quite simply used to if an adult is around, they're going to keep me busy, they're going to keep me entertained. This is their adult job and I see that play out as kids get older and older. It kind of gets even a little bit demanding and some parents will say to me wow, I really feel like I'm being bossed around by my kid. So here's how we tackle that, here's how we strike a balance, here's sort of my thoughts on how did we get here and how do we sort of try to be intentional about moving forward.

Speaker 1: 5:29

So one of the things I do when I support parents with this is called stating the obvious. So, based on this idea that kids believe adults show up for their sort of needs, wants, desires, problem solving, all the things. We actually have to teach them that we are choosing to do this, that it is not actually sort of something that we are required to do 24-7. Now, I'm not saying that you're not required to take care of your children, and that's not where I'm going with this. Where I'm going with this is we aren't their sort of beck and call parent. What that means is we don't have to instantaneously respond to every single little demand. We don't have to problem solve every single little feeling of disappointment, of frustration, of annoyance, of boredom. Right, we don't have to do those things. We need to make some space and when we do show up, for connection, for engaging sort of moments, we're going to have to communicate about that, to get kids more used to the idea of like, hey, although it is my parent and it is my job to show up all the time, I'm actually sort of choosing this and if you come from sort of another generation, this is a big shift.

Speaker 1: 6:38

Parents didn't show up for kids the way they do now. I mean, you know, with the latch key generation, and some people will say, hey, there were some great things about that. I was very strong and independent and resilient and I was an independent problem solver and all the things. Like everything. We have our pendulum right. There's some great valuable things that came out of that and there's some not great things that came out of it A lot of loneliness, a lot of isolation, a lot of self-resilience. That was not necessarily the healthy way that we develop these kinds of things.

Speaker 1: 7:10

So when we're building intentional connection, I call it intentional connection because we start to change our mindset. We're changing our mindset from I have to do these things because this is what good parents do to. I am showing up to do these things because this is what good parents do to. I am showing up to do these things because this is what I want to do to build and foster a connected relationship. And I like to sort of say here there's a difference between being present and being connected. We can all be present, we can all be around all the time. It doesn't mean that we're connected, right. And if we're focusing our connection on sort of the big ticket items and what I mean by that is, is our connection built around always having to do something? So I have two sayings. One is state the obvious. The other is make the most of the mundane. That means to build authentic, intentional connection. It doesn't involve spending money, it doesn't involve an outing. Those are like special interest connection moments.

Speaker 1: 8:10

When we're talking about that intentional connection, that's fostering relationships. It's in the mundane. It's cooking together, it's reading together, it's cuddling at story time, it's having conversations in cars, it's having sort of walks's reading together, it's cuddling at story time, it's having conversations in cars, it's having sort of walks as a family. There's different spaces where these things happen and but what makes them valuable or helpful to sort of communicate to children is how are we using language to tell them that that's what we're doing? I'm going to give you an example. One of my favorite things to do with you is every day after school when we cuddle on the couch and we read a story together.

Speaker 1: 8:46

Now, the assumption there is well, of course they know that every day, when we cuddle on the couch, read a story, that it's because I'm connecting with them and I love them, and all those things. Here's the thing. Kids are awesome and amazing. They're also really oblivious because, again, their expectation is well, yes, this is what my parents do for me. My parents, of course, are going to do this, because this is what they always do. By flipping our language, we are communicating. I'm doing this because I enjoy it and I love doing it with you, right, so we're building some language around connection. It also helps us build some boundaries around when we can foster independence, when we can foster conflict and sort of skill building for handling discomfort and disappointment and not having to constantly jump when a child expects us to, just because we're trying to solve a difficult feeling or a difficult moment.

Speaker 1: 9:44

Because part of this and I talked about this last episode is this idea that not all moments are going to be joyful, not all moments in parenting are going to be fun, and that's really tricky, especially if your child is in daycare or school all day and you don't see them. Your adult mind says, yes, please, after school, let that time be connected and joyful and happy and calm, and most people will be like that is not what happens. I mean, the emotional capacity by that point is pretty done for a lot of people. But at the same time, if we shift our mindset around this idea of being the goal, that it has to be joyful and happy and to, hey, we need to create some routines for connection. We need to create some routines that foster independence and downtime Right? We need to create some routines that foster independence and downtime right, we need to create some spaces where kids can debrief from their day before moving on to their day with their parents.

Speaker 1: 10:41

Another thing I like to sort of throw out there for parents to think about is when we're building our very complex schedules to get through the day of life and juggle all the many things that we do. One of the things that we do is we try to use time to compartmentalize kids' experiences. What do I mean by that? What I mean by that is we say, okay, every day, from six to eight, I'm going to do this and this and this and this with my kids. We're going to build this relationship. This is where we're going to have connection. Then we're going to go to bed and all the things.

Speaker 1: 11:14

But kids don't work that way, right? Kids don't work on an adult fixed timeline. So from six to eight, they're not always saying, hey, I'm going to show up and be my best version of myself and we're going to have a great evening. They show up as, hey, I've given my all and now I'm done, and so here's all my other behaviors. So it's a bit tricky because in our adult brains we're like here's the period of time that I have and I really want to maximize that time with my children, and it doesn't always go that way, and then we get frustrated, then our parent guilt increases. We're like I really suck at this, I'm not doing well, I wish it wasn't working, I wish it went right.

Speaker 1: 11:53

There's like a plethora of things and because we all have unique family dynamics, experiences, work-life balance, all the thing, there's no blanket statement to throw out here, but there is sort of this idea of like, hey, how are we balancing our language?

Speaker 1: 12:08

How are we doing intentional connection? Here's something that should be relieving. You don't need to show up for hours and hours to foster a connected and beautiful relationship. You just need to be intentional about the sections for which you are showing up for connection and intentional about where you're going to step back. You can be present and not have to problem solve everything. You can develop connection in really sort of clear ways without having to be on call all the time, and that is reflected in our language.

Speaker 1: 12:45

How are we communicating when we are connecting, when we're being intentional about that connection, that's fostering and developing relationships. And when are we saying, hey, my job as a parent right now is to be present but step back, not to be the problem solver, not to be having to sort of solve the frustration and annoyance of being bored and those kinds of components? So today is thinking about how are we fostering intentional connection, how are we helping kids understand that it's not in fact our job to fill their every single moment, that instead it's our job to support them as they're sort of navigating some of these feelings and showing up in really sort of intentional ways to build that fostered and connected relationship that is also fostering independence and autonomy in a safe space.