Partnership Aligned
Partnership Aligned
Gratitude: The Starting Point For a Better Marriage
This season we’re diving into spiritual characteristics that make you a better human—and a better partner. We’re starting with gratitude. Why? Because if you don’t start from gratitude, you’re starting from lack, complaints, and ego. And that’s a terrible foundation for growth.
In this episode, I’ll break down:
- Why gratitude is the #1 predictor of happiness
- How to actually build a gratitude practice (beyond the cheesy “write a list” advice)
- How to apply gratitude in your marriage without excusing bad behavior
- The ego traps that stop you from appreciating your partner—and how to get past them
Bottom line: when you choose gratitude, you shift your energy. And when your energy shifts, so does your marriage.
Free Resources:
FREE Masterclass: 5 Ways to Deepen the Connection with Your Partner
21 Questions That Will Bring You and Your Partner Closer Than Ever!
4-Step Guide To Self-Empowerment, Better Communication and Deeper Intimacy With Your Partner
IG: @partnershipaligned
Elana@partnershipaligned.com
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Hey, hey, hey, welcome back to Partnership Aligned Podcast. Okay, this is the first official episode of season two. I did do a little intro last week, so if you missed that, you can go back and kind of see what this season is gonna be all about. But also, I can just real quick sum up for you that what we're gonna do this season is we're gonna look at different spiritual characteristics, right, different characteristics that make us a good person, and how can we strengthen those characteristics within ourselves and then bring them into our relationship, into our marriage, our partnership, relationship with others, whatever it is you're working on. And the reason that I'm doing that this season is because your relationship with yourself is the indicator of your relationship with others, and when you embody these characteristics, you embody a aligned relationship with yourself, you become a better person, you become more aligned with the person that you want to be and therefore, as a byproduct, your relationships thrive.
Elana:But we need to take a look at these one by one. So today we're going to start with the spiritual characteristic of gratitude. Okay, let's talk about gratitude. The first thing that I want to tell you about gratitude is that when psychologists try and measure happiness, they measure it through a few different things, but the biggest one being gratitude. Okay, if someone is grateful, they are more likely to be content and happy, so gratitude in itself is a powerful, powerful tool. The cool thing about all of these characteristics that we're going to be talking about this season is that they are a thought, they are a feeling and they are an action. So wherever you feel like you can start right thinking grateful thoughts, feeling grateful or doing things that promote gratitude. Wherever you want to start, based on your personality and your capacity, you can start. So, when we talk about gratitude, there's a lot of different things that you can do to become a more grateful person.
Elana:But why is it even important to become grateful, a more grateful person? But why is it even important to become grateful? Well, we are unhappy and discontented when our expectations and our reality don't match, and it's really easy to fall into the gap right, to fall into this perspective that, like I don't have what I want. I don't have the marriage that I want. I wish my husband would be different. I wish he would help me more with the kids. I wish he would initiate sex. I wish he would stop initiating sex. Whatever, it is right Like we have a lot of complaints and a lot of expectations all of us as humans and that is just not a healthy place to start relationship work from.
Elana:So there's a reason I'm touching on gratitude. First, starting your work on your marriage, on your partnership, on whatever relationship you're focusing on this season, starting from a place of gratitude will propel you into faster and better success. The reason for that is that humans do not make changes based on negative emotions. They just don't. They make changes from positive emotions. Okay, so you can shame yourself into being different, but it's not going to last and it's not going to feel good. But when you tap into gratitude and really get grateful for everything that you do have, from there, you can make a healthy judgment of what you want to work on. Okay. So instead of starting from the gap, we're starting from the gain and going from there, which is just. It just feels better, and when you feel better, you act better. Okay, point blank.
Elana:All right, so let's talk about it. How the heck do you bring more gratitude? First I'm going to talk about how you bring more gratitude into your life and then I'm going to talk about how to bring it into your relationship. Okay, so gratitude lists? Obviously right. You don't need to listen to this podcast or be a brain scientist, rocket scientist to know that a gratitude list will help you be more grateful. So, obviously doing a gratitude list, but I want to give you some different ideas about how to actually implement that in your life, because a lot of people say they're going to do a gratitude list but they don't. The first thing is get some accountability. Okay, find a friend who is growth oriented like you are, because if you weren't growth oriented, you wouldn't be listening to this podcast. Find a friend who is growth oriented like you are and set up a daily gratitude text. Right? So I know a lot of people who do it either first thing in the morning or right before they go to bed and you exchange like five things that you're grateful for. Now, some people think that this always needs to be something different or it always needs to be something really deep and meaningful, and I want to tell you that it doesn't.
Elana:A great trick to becoming more grateful for the things that you do have is to literally look around the room, sit there with a pen and paper, get ready to make a gratitude list or get ready to text, you know, gratitudes to a friend. And look around the room, sit there with a pen and paper, get ready to make a gratitude list or get ready to text gratitudes to a friend and look around the room. Okay, so right now I am sitting in my home right, recording this podcast, and I'm looking around and the first thing that I notice is my computer and so I can say I am grateful that I have electricity. There are countries where they turn off the electricity every evening at a certain time. For the rest of the night I don't have that. I can work and be in contact and, you know, do whatever I want to do with electricity into whatever hour I want. Okay, that's number one. I'm looking around. I'm looking at some bananas.
Elana:I am grateful that I have nutritious food in my house. I can also go deeper. I am grateful that my taste buds work. I am grateful that I have teeth. Right, like we take these things for granted, not everybody has taste buds that work, especially after COVID, and not everybody has teeth. Some people have to get, you know, fake teeth put in. I know quite a few people personally. So you can look around the room. Right, you can look at someone in the room. I can look at my child, who isn't in the room right now, but I can look at him and I can say, wow, I am so grateful that my kid is healthy. A lot of people don't have a healthy child, right? I can be so grateful for that. I can get even more small and specific. I'm looking at a broom and dustpan right now. I am grateful that my arms work in a way where I can coordinate a broom and a dustpan. Okay, so this is like.
Elana:These are tricks to be able to tap into gratitude, like look around. The problem is that we get so used to the things that we have that we just stop seeing it. Right, like something that you see every single day, something that you hear every single day. You're going to stop actually seeing it or actually hearing it. So it is so important to make sure that we stop and take a deeper look at some of the things that we take for granted. Okay, all right.
Elana:Another trick that I have for you and this one is deep and it works really well when you're making a gratitude list, write down all the things you're grateful for, of course, but then write down all of the things that could be going wrong that aren't. So I could have cancer right now, but I don't right. I could be homeless right now, but I'm not. I could have, I don't know, hair that's falling out, but I don't right. And if you do have one of these things, then you would pick other things right. But, like, what are all of the things that could be going wrong in your life that aren't going wrong? I could have gotten into a car accident today when I was driving, but I didn't. My kid could have I'm laughing because my kid actually does have a fever but my kid could have woken up with 104-degree fever and not gone to school today and I could have gotten nothing done. That's half my story today. But for you it's probably not right. Like so many things could have gone wrong today and they didn't Pay attention to those things. Because a lot of people have the tendency to say why me when something goes wrong, but they don't say why me when something goes right.
Elana:Gratitude, tap into the gratitude of what you have, as opposed to what you don't have. Okay, all right. Now let's bring this into relationships. Let's bring this into marriage. If you're listening to this podcast, then you're having some kind of struggle in your marriage or you would like to level up, that means you're looking at what's wrong or what could be better. Gratitude invites you to take a look at what's going right. Now, I know what some of you are thinking, but if I look at what's going right, then that means that I'm excusing him from all the things he's not doing. No, that's not true. You made that up. Okay, you get to experience gratitude and good feelings towards your partner and still want growth from him or her. It's fine. So let's put all that stuff aside for a minute, because it's really just ego, and let's tap into the gratitude of your partner.
Elana:Make a list of everything that you love and appreciate about your partner. Look at the big things, like maybe they are a natural protector or a natural provider, or they're a really good father or you know whatever. Some of those like really big, deeper things. You can look at some of the smaller things. Right, you know he always makes sure there's gas in my car. He makes sure to prioritize dinner with the family. That's kind of a big one, that's not even little, but like all of the little things, right, he picks up his socks, whatever. All of the little things.
Elana:Make a list, then make a list of everything that could be wrong with him. That isn't right. He could have abandoned his kids, like some men do, but he didn't. He could be sleeping with other women, like some men do, but he's not right. If that's the case for you, he could be whatever. Now, this isn't to give him some prize for not abandoning kids or cheating on you. That's not the point. The point is to tap into where your starting point actually is.
Elana:Instead of just looking at all the things that could be wrong, let's look at the things that are right. What do you like about him physically? What do you like about him emotionally? What do you like about him mentally? Is he really smart? Does he have a great work ethic, like? What does he have about him right? My mom always used to say what you love about someone is also what you hate about them. Look at the things you don't like about your partner and look at the flip side of it. What's the good in that? What's the pro about that con? Get yourself into a space of gratitude, first of all. You will like yourself better in that moment and you will be able to move forward.
Elana:Okay, now I would love for you to make a list of everything that you appreciate about your partner and then give it to them. That is just simply an act of love. There is no reason not to. The only reason that you would not make a list of all the things you appreciate about your partner and give it to them is because your ego is telling you oh, don't do that. If you do that, he might think that he's doing a good job and we need him to do better. Oh, don't do that. He's never done that for you. Oh, don't do that. You're always the one doing the work. That is your ego talking. The whole point of this season is to study these spiritual characteristics and get out of ego and get into a place of love and desire for growth and solution. Okay, my last tip to you about gratitude and this goes across the board, when you're just trying to embody gratitude in general and when you want to do it in your partnership is say it out loud. So if you make a gratitude list, recite it out loud.
Elana:I once had a very powerful experience. This was maybe like five years ago. I was really going through a hard time. Things were feeling really dark and I remember coming home from work one night and just being like what is wrong with me, right, and for whatever reason, I just I think somebody did tell me to sit down and make a gratitude list. I'm pretty sure somebody gave me that tip because I have spiritual mentors, but I remember, I remember where I was sitting and I sat down to write that gratitude list and that was the day that I decided to write down everything that could be wrong. That isn't, and it was so powerful, but what else I did? That was the day that I decided to write down everything that could be wrong. That isn't, and it was so powerful, but what else I did that was really powerful is.
Elana:I stood up in front of the mirror and I read my gratitude list both of the things that I'm grateful for and the things that could be going wrong that aren't and I recited them in the mirror to myself out loud.
Elana:And I can't explain to you why or what it was, but I had such a powerful shift.
Elana:I really shifted internally.
Elana:I chose the gain over the gap.
Elana:I chose to be thankful and focus on the good over self-pity and focus on the bad.
Elana:I decided to create an energy for myself that night that propelled me to grow as opposed to propelling me to stay stuck, and I don't know why.
Elana:I mean, clearly, it was just God working in my life, but it was so powerful, and that's kind of just what I want to transmit to you today is, you know, there are so many different perspectives and so many ways that we can look at our relationships.
Elana:We can look at the good and we can look at the bad, and they're probably both true, but which beast are you going to feed? Right, as the Chinese proverb says, like, which beast are you going to feed? And while I totally, totally want to honor all of your desires and things that you want to accomplish in your relationship and I'm here to help you get there if you make the starting point gratitude, if you make the starting point all of the things that are amazing about your life and about your partner from there, you can then create a plan for growth, because you'll just be in an energy where you can access the characteristics that you need to actually grow. All right, that's all I have for you today. Thank you so much for joining me and I am so excited for the rest of this season. Talk soon.