Staying Connected During War (or whatever stress you're in)

Sirens, explosions, kids off school, work on hold, sleep wrecked and somehow our relationship is getting closer, not colder. 

I’m recording from Israel during active war, and I’m sharing the real, imperfect process my partner and I used to stop coping separately and start functioning like a team. 

If you’re going through any high-stress season, trauma, burnout, parenting chaos, money pressure, or that numb roommate phase, this is a grounded roadmap for staying connected when life is loud. 

Learn the communication skills that will level-up your marraige in my 90 minute Masterclass: The Formula for Effective Communication for only $37

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IG:  @partnershipaligned
Elana@partnershipaligned.com
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Transcript

From Separate Struggles To Team

Nightly Debriefs And Shared Load

Intimacy Praise And Better Communication

SPEAKER_00 0:18

Hey everybody, welcome back to Partnership Aligned Podcast. All right, so this is a special, special episode. I'm gonna kind of pivot and get really real and raw about what's going on over here and how my partner and I are actually getting closer than ever in the midst of very real trauma. Um, so I live in Israel and I'm recording this in March of 2026, and we are in active war. And so we live in an active war zone right now. Kids have been off school for two and a half weeks now. We are on day like 17 or something like that of the war. Um, we have sirens regularly where we have to get to a safe room within 90 seconds. We have explosions that we hear. Um, our house shakes sometimes if the explosions are close. Um we everything is closed. Think like COVID with missiles, okay? It's a very, very stressful time here. Um Israelis aren't able to really make any money right now. The economy is pretty much shut down. I have the luxury and the privilege of working from home. Uh, most of my clients are in America, and so I'm not so affected in that way. However, my ability to concentrate and work um in the midst of basically living in you know acute trauma right now has definitely been affected. So we're going through a lot over here. Um, my six-year-old son is home. My partner's 12-year-old daughter is with us. She came for the weekend the day before the war started and has not been able to return home since uh back to her mom. And so it is the four of us here, and we are getting a master class in parenting. Um, the dynamics and, you know, the kids are stressed, the kids have no structure, no routine. Um, we're trying to work while they're home and struggling, and it's just a lot. And but what I really want to share about is how to take a really stressful situation and actually use it as a way to make your relationship stronger because that is definitely what we're doing. Um, but it took us a few days to get our footing, you know what I mean? At first, we were like both affected in different ways by the war and kind of like went in our own little corner to like deal with the way that we were being affected, you know? So like we were doing life together, but like kind of going through it separately mentally. I also, to be perfectly transparent, was PMSing super hard. So I wanted nothing to do with it anyway. Um, I don't know about you ladies, but I am heavily affected that time of the month in terms of like my ability to connect and be, you know, the sweet, kind, and loving person that I am. Um, but you know, even aside from that, like he was really stressed out about work. Um, you know, he's a man, he's a natural provider, uh, he's a realtor, and so he can't work right now. Like nobody's buying and selling houses during a war. Um, and I was, you know, being affected in other ways. And so anyway, my point is it took us a few days to get our footing, which is fine. But then, like, we had a big talk, and the mindset shift is to go from like, I'm struggling and you're struggling, to we are a team and we are getting through this together. And like, you might by by the way, you might hear kids in the background, and normally I wouldn't record with kids at home and in the background, but we're on lockdown, so it is what it is. This is the real raw. Um, so anyway, we kind of shifted um after some really great communication, each kind of sharing what we're going through, what's making us most sad, what's affecting us the most, really tapping into each other's experiences and bringing them together, right? So I'm not going through what he's going through and he's not going through what I'm going through. But instead of me having my struggle and him having his, we have just decided that like our struggle is our struggle, and how can we help each other? And so here are some things that we're doing that are actually bringing us closer. So the first thing that we're doing is we are, you know, and by the way, I'm telling you this because most of you listening to this are not at war, although some of you are here in Israel, but most of you are not at war, but maybe you have some other kind of really big stressful situation going on, and you're like, how the hell do I stay on the same page with my husband while this is happening? So that's really why I'm sharing this with you. Um, so the first thing that we're doing is we are intentionally really spending quality time together at night after the kids go to bed. We are exhausted. We are being woken up in the middle of the night with sirens. Um, also, we adopted a kitten the day before the war started, which in a lot of ways has been an absolute blessing because the kids are happy to be home with the new kitten. But also, uh, kittens wake you up, man. So there's like, there's kittens waking you up, there's kids waking you up, there's sirens waking you up. Sometimes there's no siren, but you can hear an explosion. Like, you know, sometimes there's just the jets and the helicopters. It's just fucking loud. Anyway, so we have decided um it's worth it for us to spend that extra time in the evening. Um, and we really debrief on the day, right? Like what went well today? Like, what did we notice in the kids? What did we notice in ourselves? What are some wins that we each had today, together and separately? And then we kind of talk about the next day. Um, another thing that we're doing is we are protecting each other's self-care. We're protecting each other's workout time. We're protecting each other's uh, like I really need my like first thing in the morning prayer and meditation breath breath work sessions. Um, he really needs, you know, some other things. Um, he also needs to pray, and it's important to him to go to the gym and some other things. We're protecting that, right? Like we're it's it's divide and conquer. Like we are not in the mindset of like, well, I need to get mine and you need to get yours and you're in the way of my stuff and I'm in the way of your stuff. No, it we are on the same team. The problem is laid out in front of us. Like, this is how I always say it to my clients, right? Like you and your partner are sitting on the couch, same couch next to each other, and on the coffee table, laid out, is the problem, the stressor, the dynamic, the whatever. Here it's like we're living in active trauma. Um, how do we as a team overcome this hurdle? How do we win this game? And what's important to think about when you think about a real team, like a sports team, is that even though the players are on the same team, they don't necessarily have this, they don't play the same position. They don't have the same job. And that's a really big thing to remember in relationships as well, is like your partner doesn't need to be doing everything that you're doing, right? Like you guys just have to talk about like who's doing what, you know? So his daughter is with us. I'm taking care of some of the things with his daughter that really needs to be taken care of by a woman, you know? Um, he's tending more to my son's outbursts that he's having because he's so cooped up because he can rough house with him a little bit more than I can. Like we're dividing and conquer based on some like gender stuff with the kids. We're dividing and conquer because he needs to work more during the day. I need to work more in the evening because of the time zone difference with my clients. So we're dividing and conquering that way. We're dividing and conquering like the dishes, the whatever. Like, you know what I mean? And like that doesn't mean that we're both doing the same things. It just means that we're checking in with each other about like, what do you need? What do you need? Like, for example, I was gonna go do a big food shopping today, but I couldn't because my son was going through something. That's one of the hardest things, is like our kids are going through it. So I texted him and I just said, I don't need I don't expect you to go do a big food shopping because I know that like we've already made the plans for the day and you're working and all that. Can you stop and pick up these three essential things that we need today? And I'll do the rest of the shopping tomorrow. You know what I mean? And he was like, of course, no problem. And he picked them up. So it's like we are getting closer by being on the same team, by dividing and conquering, by looking at the problem in front of us and really getting on the same team. I know I'm saying this a lot, but like getting on the same team and just really saying, okay, what is your part? What is my part? How do we get to the end goal? Right. The end goal is how do we get through this war and come out on the other side uh stronger, uh, with a deeper connection, both with each other and with our kids. So that has been a really big thing too. Uh protecting each other's self-care, protecting each other's exercise, protecting each other's sleep. Um, we had a situation with his daughter where she pulled her neck and was like up all night with pain. Like we took turns with that. Like, just really like we're in this together. And it creates like bonding, you know? The other thing that we're making sure to do is having like physical intimacy. And I'm not just talking about sex. I'm talking about like taking time to really cuddle, taking time to like really kiss each other when we come home or leave, which is like easy to do during war, you know, because you're like, please stay safe. Um, but like really taking the time to like sit next to each other. Like he'll say to me, like, hey, come sit with me and let's drink a cup of tea. Like, like just really getting present in the moment and being together physically, you know what I mean? And I think that's why that evening time together is so important for us too, because like we're in bed, we're holding hands, we're snuggling, and we're also talking. And like we've disagreed. We've definitely disagreed. You know what I mean? We've each had a little bit of a meltdown, um, we've disagreed on some things, but like at the end of the day, like our goal is what we keep in mind. Our goal is the same. So this is the biggest mindset shift that you can have in a relationship to go from like it's me versus you to it's us against the problem. And it's interesting, we weren't even in a me versus you situation in the beginning of the war. We were in a like, I'm just gonna handle my stuff and you're gonna handle yours. Like it wasn't me versus you, but it was me separate from you, which like is enough to make you feel distant. Like I was definitely feeling distant, you know? And so we brought in a lot of communication and we got on the same team and we're taking a lot of time and we're putting each other first. I'm also making sure to text him throughout the day uh when he's not home with all kinds of loving notes. I have left notes on the mirror, just reminding him of how important he is to me. Um, you know, he tells me what a great job I'm doing with my son, especially when he sees that I'm struggling. So who knows if he means it or not, but who cares? Um, but I think he means it. And like just really um uh complimenting each other, like really noticing and saying, like, wow, I saw how you handled that with your daughter and I know that was hard. Or wow, you really stayed calm, like when we only had those 60 seconds to get to the safe room, or like, wow, like you know what I mean? Like just really complimenting each other, like love, love, love, love. So if you're in a stressful situation in your family, in your life, in your circumstance, I want you to use this episode as an invitation, as a push to get on the same page. Um whatever it is that you're going through, if you and your partner can have some communication, what's hard for me? What's hard for you? It's not a competition, it's not like who's it harder for? That's irrelevant. Just I want to share what's hard for me. I want to hear what's hard for you. Now let's lay the problem out in front of us on the table and let's sit together and take a look. Where are my strengths and where are your strengths, right? Like we've been stepping in for each other, parenting and different strengths and different weaknesses. Like, where are my strengths? Where are your strengths? How can we help each other here? How can we protect each other's well-being? How can we come out of the other side of this stronger and more connected? What would that look like? What is it that you need from me? What is it that I need from you? Like real communication. Maybe you're struggling with a child who's on the spectrum or who's neurodivergent or who's just struggling. Um, maybe you guys are dealing with a financial situation. Maybe you guys are kind of like in the roommate phase, which is a lot of what I see with couples and like just kind of coming to each other and being like, listen, like I want us to get back to a place where we're intimate, where we're connected. Here are the things that I miss. Like, here's what hurts me. Like, what do you miss about us? Like, how do we get on the same page? This is the conversation that you need to be having, okay? Now, why are communication skills so important? Because you know I'm not having this podcast without like talking about that, right? Like, communication skills are so important because it's really hard to get on the same team if you're fighting about the way you fight, okay? If you're fighting about the fact that he gave you silent treatment, or if you're fighting about the fact that you lashed out at him or whatever, then it's really hard to talk about the thing, which is the pain, which is the need, which is the connection, which is the yearning, which is the getting on the same team, because you're stuck on the surface level of like, well, I don't like how you handled that. So getting communication skills so that you can communicate effectively so that you can get on the same page. That is the secret sauce. That is the formula. If you need help with this, please reach out to me, send me an email, hit me up on Instagram. Um, this is my jam. I can help you. I can teach you how to communicate in a way where your partner will hear you, in a way that you'll hear your partner, and let's get you on the same team. All right, guys. Thank you so much for listening, and I will talk to you soon.