The Father Factor Podcast
The Father Factor Podcast
with Byron Ricks, Joshua Warmbrodt, and Brandon Ricks
What happens when fatherhood leaves a void—or when it shows up with strength, wisdom, and love?
Join Byron Ricks, author of Searching for Dad: The Nine Side Effects of Growing Up Fatherless and How to Overcome Them, alongside co-hosts Joshua Warmbrodt and Brandon Ricks, for honest, transformative conversations about fatherhood, identity, healing, and legacy.
Whether you’re navigating life without a father, striving to become the father you never had, or raising a child impacted by fatherlessness—this podcast is for you.
With real stories, research-backed insight, and heartfelt wisdom, The Father Factor Podcast creates space for growth, understanding, and redemption. Because no matter where you start, healing is possible—and legacy can be rewritten.
The Father Factor Podcast
Happy Wife Happy Life: Marriage Goal or Cultural Cliche?
The Father Factor Podcast examines the popular "Happy Wife, Happy Life" phrase, exploring its role as a conflict avoidance mechanism rather than a path to genuine marital happiness. Hosts Byron Ricks, Josh Wombrot, and Brandon dive into how this mindset affects marriages and children, offering practical approaches for healthier relationships.
• Happy Wife, Happy Life often serves as male conflict avoidance rather than an indicator of healthy marriage
• 70-80% of divorces are initiated by women, who frequently cite emotional disconnection as the cause
• Men growing up without fathers often struggle with emotional expression and healthy conflict management
• Children learn relationship dynamics by watching their parents navigate conflict and emotions
• Healthy conflict is necessary for resolution and deeper connection, while avoidance breeds resentment
• Placating behavior teaches children unhealthy relationship patterns they may repeat in adulthood
• Men tend to sacrifice personal happiness for family stability while women may prioritize personal happiness
• Practical tools include weekly check-ins, speaking your partner's love language, sharing emotional loads, and embracing healthy conflict
Call to action: This week, be intentional. Ask your wife how she's really doing and listen to understand, not to fix. That small act may do more for your marriage than a dozen apologies.
Keep in touch.
Email: Brm2@fatherfactorpodcast.com
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Hello and welcome to our podcast series, the Father Factor Podcast. I'm your host, byron Ricks, and joining me is my co-host and good friend, josh Wombrot. The objective is to give a voice to fathers who are not able to be with their kids, mothers who are raising kids without fathers, and children who, unfortunately, are growing up without fathers in their lives.
Speaker 1:All righty, welcome to the Father Factor Podcast. I'm your host, Byron Ricks. I'm here today with my co-host, josh Wombrot, and my other co-host, brandon. What do you call yourself these days? You know you can just call me B. Okay, just call him B. All righty, welcome everyone. This is a great day to broadcast. We have a great topic today and we're going to chop this up.
Speaker 1:For those of you that are new, the Father Factor podcast is about talking about fathers and their responsibilities. I say that all your kids are equally yours. I wrote a book called Searching for Dad Nine Side Effects of Growing Up Fatherless and how to Overcome them. Because mothers get a lot of attention and adoration and they deserve it, but fathers don't get what mothers get. On Mother's Day, you can't find a reservation in a restaurant, but Father's Day you can eat anywhere you want to, anywhere you want.
Speaker 1:But what I'm saying to dads and men and boys who grew up without fathers? That fathers are important. And then I've learned on this journey that I wrote the book, I think about eight years ago, and I wrote it for boys and men boys who grew up without fathers, and men who are fathers but yet not playing the father role, and mothers who are raising boys without fathers, but what I learned is daughters need fathers too. They need fathers as much as their brothers do, and so now, when I talk about the father factor, it's not just about what boys need, it's about what children need from their dad the nurturing, the love, the affection, the attention, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. Today, our topic, though, is about moms. About moms in that the topic is happy wife, happy life. We hear that often Happy wife, happy life, and so is that a myth? Is that the mindset, or is that a myth? Is that the mindset, or is that a marriage goal?
Speaker 4:A marriage goal? Definitely not a goal.
Speaker 1:What do?
Speaker 4:you think, oh me, oh man, I feel like I'm going to get a lot of hate on this one.
Speaker 3:There's no good answer on this one.
Speaker 4:I believe, the best answer from my experience what I've researched talking to people is summarized simply like this answer from my experience, what I've researched talking to people is summarized simply like this uh, boys are taught how to treat women or girls growing up right, okay, uh, but not taught how to be treated by oops, girls or women, okay. And then women or girls are taught how to be treated by boys or men, but not but not how to treat them, ah, so I think that's oftentimes we've been prepared.
Speaker 4:We've been prepared to, from a young age to care for women and we should right, we should, look out for them. But what preparation has been done for the females and when it comes to the males?
Speaker 1:Okay, you know I was exploring this topic. You know I was exploring this topic and it says here exploring the phrase happy wife, happy life. Is it cultural cliche or a deeper truth about emotional connection, mutual respect and the impact of spousal harmony on fatherhood?
Speaker 3:What do you think, Mr Ricks? Well, no, I don't think it's a cultural cliche. I think it's become a societal norm.
Speaker 1:In the American society.
Speaker 3:Yeah, absolutely, and I primarily. I can only speak, obviously, from the context of me being an American citizen. I haven't lived outside of the US of A, but what I do see is that this has become a mantra for conflict avoidance. It is not necessarily a indication of a healthy marriage. It is the man's avoidance of conflict or toxicity in a relationship, and the idea is that if I keep the wife happy, I can have a semblance of peace in my household. So therefore I'm going to avoid any type of confrontation or things that could stir up a an issue, so that I do not upset my wife, because what's penultimate in our society is that the woman always maintains a level of comfortability and happiness so that the whole household can be happy.
Speaker 1:But I I don't subscribe to that ideology I don't think that a woman can be happy. At least they're not happy for long eve, wasn't even happy.
Speaker 4:Well, I mean, I don't think people can be happy like happiness I think, well, I think we can. We can carry joy and have moments of happiness, but I think happiness ultimately is part of an emotion that can be fleeting, because sadness, happiness, Okay, but what I think about when it says a woman if you buy a woman a diamond ring, she's momentarily happy.
Speaker 1:A million dollar diamond ring yeah, she's overjoyed, she'll be happy that day she might be happy that week, yeah.
Speaker 4:But next million dollar diamond ring, yeah, she's overjoyed that day, overjoyed she might be happy that week, yeah.
Speaker 1:But next week, guess what? Yeah, she's not going to be happy Because, I mean it's as men, we are more content. I believe this is my bias. My wife asked me are you going to tell the truth on that vanity podcast? Yeah, you're going to just tell your opinion. Well, this is my opinion. My opinion is men are simple.
Speaker 4:Yes.
Speaker 1:We're simple, we're easier to satisfy than women and women. You could buy them a house. They want a bigger house, they want another house, they want to redecorate the house. It's always something. Eve was not happy in the Garden of Eden and she had everything, everything but one tree.
Speaker 3:And she had everything, everything but one tree and she needed to eat from that one tree. Yeah, that is obviously a go-to example. However, I would say that, you know, the responsibility fell on the man because it was his inability. Well, let me see, it was his inability to stand up and he chose appeasement over over accountability, and I think that's that is the indictment for me in our society, on men, that they tend to placate because they do not want to suffer the ire of their spouses.
Speaker 1:Yeah, ok, I agree with that 100 percent. Yet, and still, both are true in that the woman was not happy, but yet it was the man's responsibility to stand up to her, and he did not. He placated. And that's what we do now, and that's why we get this phrase in my mind If mom ain't happy, if mom ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. In fact, I was watching a court show once and the woman was going off and the judge asked well, why are you doing this? What's wrong? And she said well, you know what they say If mom ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. She used it in court.
Speaker 4:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 4:No, I mean. Here's the question, though how do?
Speaker 3:we get here and is there a solution to it? I believe.
Speaker 4:See, we're taught to be peaceful Like I'll keep the peace. We'll talk to be peaceful like I'll keep the peace. This society, at least America. We taught in school not to hit each other. Not saying that some of those rules ain't bad right, but there's certain things we taught to keep to ourselves in the classrooms.
Speaker 4:I was and, mind you, I was the bad kid always in trouble. I didn't subscribe to any of that, obviously, but the point is is that there's a level of care? There's a care that goes towards the ladies right and if you ask any man, I believe that if he wants for his wife to be happy, Do you think wives were happy in the 1800s and 1700s and 1600s? Women- were abused. No, that's what I'm saying. I don't know, I wasn't there, but we know history, though.
Speaker 1:But what I'm saying, though, is but yet today's woman all of a sudden we placate to her, because her happiness is what dictates if the family is happy.
Speaker 4:Right, but why? Because we've said we were taught.
Speaker 4:We were taught to treat a certain way but not to be treated and vice versa. But if you ask any man that is interested in a woman, what do we want? We want to make our women happy. None of us are out here just like, oh, we want you to be miserable, right? But oftentimes what you said, byron, is, no matter what we do, sometimes there's no pleasing Right, there's like an endless thirst. And when did that really increase? Was that more exposure to do create like social media, with the comparison narrative? Because I remember it was still there before that, but now it seems like there's more outspoken, more people speaking out against. How many women are looking at, oh, we should leave, because they said what is it? I have the stat here Was it 80%? Anyway, a substantial amount of women filed for divorce, first because they're unhappy.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it's about 70% to 80% of divorces initiated by women.
Speaker 4:Right, so you have that piece, and I heard somebody say this, I can't remember where or whatever, but it says that a woman will sacrifice her family for her happiness, whereas a man will sacrifice her family for her happiness, whereas a man will sacrifice his happiness for his family Right.
Speaker 1:I have a friend right now who divorced her husband and regret it to this day. I know a couple too. A husband remarried, moved to a new city and she was hurt and upset about it. And I was talking to my wife about it and I said what is she upset about? She divorced him. She said, well, she wish she hadn't done that, see.
Speaker 4:I knew one of. I won't uncover this person, but I knew one that literally left their husband while he was at work, had trucks and everything emptied the house, left a picture in every, every room and moved into a tiny little spot with too much furniture, um, but yet cried her eyes out when he remarried because that lady was stealing her husband oh, but she left.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I mean, this isn't. This is because it's feeling this is well, this is a problem. I mean, this is indicative to me of what you see, especially within the modern woman right Is this idea that, you know, I am independent, self-sufficient, not needing a man for anything. And the feminist mindset has taught women that they can be solely apart from a man without having any sort of necessity for male connection. So when they're not getting what they think they should be getting in a relationship, they abandon their relationship. What happens is reality sets in and they recognize that what they're losing that intimate connection, the friendship, the camaraderie, all those things were extremely valuable.
Speaker 3:And in the heat of emotion, when you're getting all these signals outside from society and culture that you can do better and you realize that there's not better out there in the dating pool, the dating market is not what you thought it was going to be, now there sets in the sense of regret, and I don't think that it's because they necessarily want to be back with the man.
Speaker 3:They are upset that somebody else has scooped up and taken what was once quote, unquote theirs and they don't have anything to replace that. That that, to me, is the issue, whereas men, we tend to have an ability to say, ok, well, if I'm no longer wanted or needed. We may fight initially for the woman, try to get her back, try to do kind of things to woo her, but once the ship is sailed, we tend to move on and it's just a matter of fact that the the as you said, you know I think we both said this that men are far easier to satisfy and please. Far easier to satisfy and please. So we can find another woman to fill that place that gives us what we want for that season of life and we can move on, whereas the woman is still looking for something that is, quote unquote in her mind, better than what she had before. But she's going to get out to the dating market to find that finding better is is a low probability.
Speaker 4:That's a big point because there's a lot of, you know, trifling can look at that. Go through and ask women's preferences, especially younger women, right, and they have built this high earner really tall. They build this idea of what the perfect man is and then these guys statistically show them how that's less than 1% of men. What you're looking for is less than 1% of men. So there's this disconnect to what's real and what's perception and all that. And then going to what you're saying with this divorce piece right, I got some stats here that says that. Because mine, a lot of times that happen is women say that, oh, they're not emotionally available to me, they're not responsive, they're not sharing, they're not caring whatever. They're not sharing, they're not caring whatever. So it says, studies indicate that over 60 percent of women frequently engage in behaviors aimed at correcting or soothing their partner's emotional state, while only 50 to 55 percent of men find these interventions helpful.
Speaker 1:We find it annoying.
Speaker 4:Right, because soothing or correcting, you know that's when you think about another thing. I'll pull A lot of time. It says that men will don't share with their spouse by fear of, you know, rocking the boat, whatever my feelings may upset her.
Speaker 1:And now she's mad at me for sharing, but not only that, not only that, and when we share, they use that against us later. Yes, right, and I know I've had that happen to me. You guys been married as well Maybe you have and so that's why men hold back, because when I put it out there and lay it out there, I don't want it used against me.
Speaker 4:Yeah, because we say what we mean. They say what they feel. So if I'm telling you what I mean and you don't like it because it makes you feel bad, that's I can't control that, because this is, this is my experience and I'm sorry. My experience makes you feel bad or is encroaching on your feelings. However, you're wanting to know what's wrong. I'm sharing with what's wrong. You don't like what's wrong. Now we're at odds. So a lot of men do clam up to stay away from that battle. So that's where part of their mindset is like if I keep the peace, then she's going to help with the happiness, right, because nobody wants to fuss and fight and all that.
Speaker 1:That points me to the Rutgers University study. It says when wives are satisfied in the marriage, husbands are more likely to report being satisfied, even if they have unresolved issues. This suggests that emotional well-being in marriage is strongly tied to the wife's happiness.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I think you know again, we don't want to sit here and have a rag fest on women, right, because men bear a large brunt of the responsibility in the relationship. Oh, okay, go ahead In the relationship as it results to just kind of the relational dynamic. That's true.
Speaker 1:We're just talking about women right now, though.
Speaker 3:Yeah, well, no, I mean, but I think that that's you know. We can get you know caught in the where it's going to come across like we're just you know.
Speaker 4:Fashion women. Well, I think it's going to come across like that regardless.
Speaker 3:Well, what I'm saying is that I don't want us to. You know, we want to have solutions and we want to be educational in that aspect, and so you can find plenty of podcasts. Just go listen to Fresh and Fit. They'll complain about women all day long.
Speaker 3:But I think that, when you look at it, men bear a large part of the responsibility, as, in the context of a marriage, of and I say this that the man is to be the. What is it? The thermostat and not a thermometer? Right? And I had a wise man tell me that that we are supposed to be the one that sets the temperature of the house. Okay, not going and being fluctuating with the temperature.
Speaker 3:And a lot of times, what we're doing is constantly asking our wives are you okay, is everything good, are you okay?
Speaker 3:And there's times when we have to just say no, I'm going to be stable, I'm not going to be beaten about by the waves of emotion by my wife, and I'm going to create a level of consistency and stability within the household and I'm going to be steadfast in that commitment.
Speaker 3:And so a part of the natural instinct of a man is to provide and to care and to be a protector of his spouse. That's how the natural order should be, and so I think that this Rutgers study is speaking to that in a sense. Not from the standpoint of yes, let me placate, just to create, quote, unquote happiness, but if I have a, if I'm providing an environment to where my spouse can feel secure, can feel a sense of peace in that household, by very nature as a man, that makes me feel peace. So I don't think that means that you should acquiesce to things that are principled in nature, but you. But there needs to be definitely an awareness of the emotional nature of the of the woman, because we can't expect the women to be men. They're going to be emotional.
Speaker 4:We have to be steadfast in our balance of our emotional, and you teach this in emotional intelligence, I think that's the most valid point with this is that we know that they're going to be emotional, right, but yet we avoid. So we say we're just keeping the peace. I talk to a lot of men, you know, do men's ministry, and all that I hear I'm trying to keep the peace in my house, and the peace usually is established after some sort of conflict or a war, right, yeah, so to keep from peace is, to me, is a lie. You think that you're lying, being deceived, because you're keeping from conflict which could make way to peace if handled correctly, and that's the, that's part of it is it's an armistice.
Speaker 3:Essentially, you're North and South Korea. You are you. There's a line of demarcation, right. You, you've just agreed not to cross these borders, but you're not at peace, you're not at peace, there's still an armed cause.
Speaker 4:What if the borders are like you're using, you know, North and South Korea? Think about the. What are the the consequences of crossing some of those borders Right?
Speaker 4:Yeah exactly, you know, and that's the things where a lot of times we go into a home. And I'm not talking about we as men, I'm talking about the children too. And that's the piece that I hope. And I'm not bashing women, I want to bring awareness, because what I see is a lot of women are struggling with self-awareness and accountability, but yet they think their perception is that they are, you know, there. So if the children are also knowing how to read mommy's language, body language, attitude, things like that, then that means that there is a minefield in there, and then that means that mom or wife is the thermostat, because everybody's fluctuating based on what's going on in the environment. So how do we as men take control of that?
Speaker 4:And I don't say take control and like I would sit down and do what I say, but because if you look at the bible, right, it says that husbands love your wives, like christ loved the church well, to lay your lives down. But it also says wives submit your husbands. It's pointing out the areas that each gender struggles with. Women struggle submitting to leadership Well, they struggle with the word submit, right, whereas men naturally submit we fall in line with.
Speaker 1:Well, we struggle with the word humility, Right Humble being humble Humble and in love we perceive it as weak.
Speaker 4:And in being loving we're not natural like touchy-lovey-dovey people, right, that's just. You know, I love you. Yeah, and so it's an intentionality. I believe that we, through our love of our wife which love can be tough, sometimes saying no. There's times I didn't say no and I've had to pay for it.
Speaker 2:you know, with debt, with whatever you know throw it in the pot right where I didn't put the boundary because I just it's been a long way out of it.
Speaker 4:Whatever, do what you want, I don't care, because, like you said, men are simple, I don't care. Like for me, feed my belly, you know, do your other duties there, and you know, just give me peace, like.
Speaker 1:I'm cool, but shouldn't a wife be emotionally supportive as well?
Speaker 4:I think so. That's one of my favorite things about Zig. Ziglar was like his love of his wife, but he spoke on a woman that was yeah, that spoke on a woman that was ultra supportive. Right, he said you know, I remember watching him get motivated seminars. I think it was his last time speaking. His daughter is up there guiding him because he's having short-term memory loss and he'd get lost in what he was saying and he'd revert back to I tell you what, if that redhead leave me, I'm going with her and it just showed his love for her because of her love and support for him, and he gives her credit for helping speak life and build him up. And what I struggle with women nowadays is that we want you to speak life to us, we want you to be there. However, oftentimes you're not building us up, You're beating us down.
Speaker 1:Interesting point. The Journal of Marriage and Family has a quote that says men with emotionally supportive wives reported lower stress and better health outcomes. This reinforces the idea that emotional represents reciprocity thank you. Reciprocity isn't just nice, it's necessary. I love my wife to death, man. We've been married, you know, many, many, many, many, many years and my wife is supportive most of the time. And to Brandon's point earlier as men, what did you say? We are the thermostat not the thermometer.
Speaker 1:Yes, exactly, we set the temperature Right, so the thermometer, you check it right, exactly, whereas a thermostat you set it Exactly, and so I have had to learn that when the temperature isn't right in my environment, with my wife and my marriage, I now have to set that new temperature. Yeah, exactly, I've learned that, and that came about the heart way, you know.
Speaker 4:And sometimes you got to turn that thing all the way up.
Speaker 1:All the way down.
Speaker 4:Yeah.
Speaker 1:I mean, you've got to set it precisely where it needs to be Based on the environment that your marriage is in and then you might have to use that thermometer you were talking about to gauge it Right, and then you might have to change it again, and that's our jobs. But I still ask the question Is it in a woman's DNA not to be happy for long?
Speaker 3:You know, I don't, you know that I don't know that. That seems like a catch question. You know, in terms of the DNA aspect of it, what I, what I will say, is that I have a very wise brother in Christ of mine who taught you know on this relational dynamic in a men's fellowship that I attend, and Jake had a great way of describing this. Women will come to us and want to provide, you know, innocuous details about a story and dive into the very specifics of a particular topic or subject, and we're just trying to, you know, get to the conclusion, get to the end of it. What's the meat of it? Right? And he mentioned this thing called the meta report. That was very profound to me, and he said that if you look at the dynamic of men and women, men are responsible for the hunting, the primary provision, right? So they're going out. It's very, very black and white. I have to go and kill the buffalo, kill the gazelle, the deer, whatever else, right? There's a very tactical way about moving. It's very precise.
Speaker 3:Whereas the woman is going out in the meadow and gathering things for the household, she's gathering berries, she's gathering, going to the foliage, she's, and she's picking certain things, OK, and she has to be very cognizant of this. Mushroom has these spots on it. This one can kill you. This one's for food. This berry can be eaten, this one cannot, right. And so she wants to come home. When you come home from the hunt, it's very black and white. Did you kill it? I killed it, right. Where she wants to say no, no. Let me tell you about the day. I went out and then I ran into this and then I saw this and I saw this the mushrooms are beautiful and these are that Right and they want to give the metal report of what they saw in the field.
Speaker 3:And what Jake said was that we have to be a lot more patient with our wives and be willing to listen to the metal report. A lot of times, what we hear is just a lot of complaining. Right, I came home from work and so-and-so was gossiping about so-and-so, and so-and-so said this and so-and-so said that, but they're just giving the metal report. They don't want us to fix it. They don't want solutions to a problem, they just want an ear to listen to. I think that as men, we can do a better job of doing that, and I know for me personally, I have not done a good job doing that. I'm a very, very black and white, to the point kind of person, like most men are, and we have different degrees and skills of that. But what I'm learning is that I need to just be an ear sometimes and listen. That's major and that will quail a lot of that dissatisfaction. We try to find a solution.
Speaker 4:We're solution. Exactly Right. You're presenting a problem. Oh OK, I got a solution, but they just want to hear. All that sucks.
Speaker 3:They just want to. Yeah, exactly, they just want to. They just want to, you know. And so what I've, what I've realized is that you know my wife, you know I'll have to ask. I'll say, ok, help, help me understand what you want from me here, do you? And that has helped. Like, am I just to be listening here? It's just that you guys want to listen. Ok, cool. Now I have an expectation of I'm not going to give you an answer, I'm not going to give you a solution, I'm not going to tell you how to fix it or solve the problem. I'm not going to make a face, I'm just going to, I'm just going to listen and I'm going to, and I'm going to say wow, that's crazy, man, how are you feeling about that?
Speaker 4:I have to say mom.
Speaker 3:Okay, and then you know what? And then the thing passes. In the next hour she's talking about something else, she's showing me a TikTok and she's laughing. But when we don't acknowledge those things, that's when I think a lot of the problems from our incomes and then we revert to the conflict avoidant. I just want peace, but we need to do a better job nurturing an environment to where the woman feels like she's at, in a place where she can feel safe, secure and she can come and confide and give the medical report.
Speaker 4:No I agree with that.
Speaker 1:Which leads us to this effect that you were talking about. Many men grow up without a model of healthy emotional expression, especially fatherless men, without a model of healthy emotional expression, especially fatherless men. In marriage, this can lead to either shutdown or passive peacekeeping which masquerades as happy wife, happy life, but actually avoids true connection.
Speaker 3:What is this effect from, though, byron, that you're mentioning here?
Speaker 1:the emotional. What are you asking me?
Speaker 3:yeah, like me. Yeah. Where are you pulling this side effect from? What is this from? Where's this coming from?
Speaker 1:This is from the Searching for Dad book.
Speaker 3:Oh, okay, okay, yeah. Well, I didn't know that, so I don't know if the people know that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's coming from the Searching for Dad, my book I wrote.
Speaker 4:Which side effect specifically?
Speaker 1:Well, side effect number three emotional repression.
Speaker 4:Yeah, but I think you're saying something because I'll speak to this real quick. Single mother households right, and I've been in there. My mom was a single mom, teenage mom at that, right, and so I think that gives a unique blend. And, as a disclaimer, I love my mother, it's all grace, it's love, it's forgiveness. I'm going to call a spade a spade and not in the hopes to hurt her, right, but as a teenage, single mother, teenager who's not mentally developed all the way, right, and in the single mother piece she'd get overwhelmed. So it was easy for me to, with my feelings, my problems, my issues, be told no, stop, not right now. I got my own thing going on later, so it was a learned behavior for me to suppress and try to read at a better time, and so a lot of times we overwhelmed them, the women, anyway, especially if they're already having big feelings. So that's what I say my mother, she's having big feelings. There was no space for my feelings as a kid, so, byron.
Speaker 3:I have a question. So what you're saying is what you're implying here. I guess, from the research that you've done, from your book and in terms of emotional repressionression, that men that are, that are fathers that grow without fathers, are more likely to experience issues in their marriage with understanding, uh, how to properly express their emotion with their spouse, which leads to them being conflict avoidant. Is that what you're saying here with this number, this side effect here?
Speaker 1:I'm saying that yes, the definitive answer to that is yes. However, a guy can grow up. A boy can grow up with a father in-house, I've learned. It still depends on the dynamics of the relationship that his father has with his mother. So a fatherless boy growing up fatherless or one with a father can have the same side effect.
Speaker 3:But is there? But I guess what I'm saying is there. Disproportionately, do you think? I would surmise that there would be disproportionately more men that didn't grow up with a father present in the household, going into marriage would have issues and struggles. Well, that makes sense though that makes sense.
Speaker 4:Yeah, well, that makes sense though. That makes sense. Yeah, I mean it makes sense because they didn't. They didn't have the experience of the role model, right? What I know is that in my household we got a good balance when it comes to parenting. Right, my wife can get overwhelmed, start tripping sometimes, just like I can. You know I get fussy. But having the freedom of each, both parents can kind of help, call out the other one or go tend to the child Mom's tripping. I can go speak to the boy, help there If he's struggling with big feelings. So sometimes he's frustrated with me, sometimes he's frustrated with his mom, and I made it clear like you can come talk to us from a respectful manner and helping him sort out those feelings. And sometimes it's just not being a kid. Like you're a kid, you have responsibilities as a kid and sometimes it is relevant and valid. Like you know what you know. I can see how you could have take what I said there as such. But I think a father helps regulate the processing of emotion, whereas mothers are more emotionally aware and in tune, right. So I think it's why having both and not having others, because what I've seen with my mother and even with my wife is the boundaries move based on their emotional place.
Speaker 4:Busy day at work. She has less. There's no. There's no grace here. Great day.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, Pee on the carpet and the wife's happiness is more important than the husband's.
Speaker 4:More important to husbands, and they can even trump the child at times, because I don't know I disagree with that.
Speaker 3:I mean, I don't know if I I don't know. I don't know if I would quantify it as more or less. I think it's, I think it's just different. I think that I don't know if happiness is the goal. I think that we are far too concerned not just women but in general in our culture with happiness. We're obsessed with the concept of happiness. Happiness is not an entitlement. We're not owed or deserved happiness.
Speaker 3:Happiness is an emotion that comes and goes. Like you mentioned earlier, it's fleeting. I think that the presence of joy is far more important. I think that if you live in a household where you're taught that happiness is some sort of guarantee that you're entitled to, you're going to find yourself, when things are not happy, lashing out, but just in the nature of life, you're not going to be happy. But one of the things that I want to pull back to you know Byron, is in this idea, as we connect with Searching for Dad and the book and some of the insights that you've pulled here in emotional oppression, identity and conflict management. The thing that sticks out to me in this idea of emotional repression and bringing into the child dynamic is do you, do you think that there? What are the effects of a of a husband who is conflict avoiding, placating to the wife's emotions? What is the impact and effect of that on the children in that household?
Speaker 1:well, I think that, whether you have children in a household or not, I think it sets up a false environment. It's not a realistic environment as far as the kids. It's not a realistic environment. Also, it doesn't show the kids how to be a man, how to be an adult. It just shows them how to placate and that's what they learn or how to get their way.
Speaker 4:If it's like a girl in the house. If there's a female in the house and she sees this is working for mom, it may work for me too. It may affirm a poor behavior that may hurt her long down the road in marriage when the husband may get tired of oh, this is how it was in my house. It wasn't in my house.
Speaker 1:Well, also I've had such. You know, talked to guys who grew up without their fathers or with their fathers placating to their moms, and I remember I was in. They called it the Tri-Cities, was it? It's Moline Illinois, up in that area? They called it the Tri-Cities. I can't think of those other three cities.
Speaker 4:In the Midwest, y'all not Texas. No, in the Midwest. In the Midwest, I was in here thinking like no, it's Moline.
Speaker 1:Moline, and one of the problems he had was his father would placate and do all these things to make his mother happy and so he would do those things with his girl women he was dating. Okay, and like you were saying earlier that you had to learn how to say no. Sometimes it's hard to say no. Love does say no. We tend to believe that love doesn't say no sometimes. But because he didn't say no, he placated because that's what he saw his father do to his mom with his mom, and he placated with the woman he dated. Well, they were not satisfied. Then he got saddened, he got upset and then he couldn't even understand when they left him and went to others and he said one woman called him weak and he called himself placate or satisfying her, yeah, meeting her needs, yeah. And he she said no, you're a weak man. So that could come from that as well, right, I mean but there's, there's side effects to all of that.
Speaker 4:Right, we can, this is a spider crack. Um, I know for a fact when I got married uh, you know I and you know I married a woman that you know, whose mother and them you know spoiled her.
Speaker 2:I just call it what it is you know we're taping this.
Speaker 1:Oh yes, this is going to be all over the Internet. That's beautiful. That's beautiful Right now.
Speaker 4:Authenticity. Y'all know what it is. It's going to be on YouTube, man. I hope everybody sees it too. And that is and I think that that was part of it was, you know, giving better what the generation had before, right? Well then, I remember going out with my wife while we was dating and she said I need to go shopping. Bye, let's go. And, man, I'm just seeing her buying everything. We use an express. You know, y'all can give us a shout out later express. But, man, she put everything in that store, one of everything, almost, I feel like, on the card, and I wasn't tripping, not my card, not my money.
Speaker 4:Well, well, six months later we get married and I realized whoa, what is all this? Oh well, this card was when we went out shopping that day and no, that was your card, right, but she was accustomed to a certain lifestyle and I wasn't. And so when we got married I tried to play into that because of the happy wife, happy life. I wanted her to be happy and fulfilled. Like we do when we're dating, we say all the right things, we do all the right things Because at the end of the day, we're looking for a specific goal. Some of those will feel what I'm saying, and so a lot of times in marriage we continue that I want to give you everything you want, because all I want is this. And then when we don't get that, we tend to pout like children, we tend to get upset, we tend to get passive. But I think it speaks to another level of rejection, because we think in our minds if I do all of these things for you, then you'll love and accept me and nurture and pour into me. But what we don't realize is that we're lacking boundaries and women respond well to strong men, they respond well to security. Now, I'm not saying shut it down, but there's finding that balance.
Speaker 4:But early marriage, women like bad boys for some reason. Yeah, and I'll be real, we got married and that bad boy started getting chiseled away with because of preferences. Oh, you know so and so doesn't talk like that. But you talk this way and then here I find myself years later and she's struggling with the attraction like this is something different. Well, yeah, you didn't smooth out all the rough edges that you liked, and it wasn't until I broke bad back to my, my authentic self, until I threw a grenade into my house that basically boop this like it's either we fixing this the right way or we ain't doing this. No more that we had to have a big war, a long war, many battles, but I stand here triumphant in the marital piece of that because I was willing to lose my marriage.
Speaker 4:It wasn't until I was willing to lose it, because what had me act that way, that had me pour into unhealthy patterns and behavior that were taking from me and I didn't want to speak up on that, was the fear of losing the marriage, the fear of not sleeping under the same roof as my children, the fear of having to speak to my children about what's going on, but my realize that my children are watching their father go through hard times there may be losing respect for me in the process.
Speaker 4:I've seen there's times my daughter would give me a look and I could feel the look and it was like you ain't going to do none, like you know what I'm saying. And that's when I had to adjust like man. If I really love my wife and I really want this marriage to work, and it's not working for me, then it's not going to work for her, because eventually there's going to be resentment, unforgiveness, I'm going to become callous, emotionally unavailable a lot of the things that the women file divorce for right. And so if I don't do this, then we have no hope. And that's when I had to toss the grenade and start the war.
Speaker 3:Well, yeah, yeah, that's good. No, so that's yeah, it's good. So we talked about emotional repression, identity, confusion and you know, baron, you do you have, uh, I know you've probably got some insight here, just in terms of like, what, what? How can we can kind of conclude what we see here in in in terms of just, uh, uh, a fatherless child, or or a, a, a man that grows up with no father or maybe didn't have the right father model in the household, what, what insights you know can do you, do you kind of pull away from this?
Speaker 1:Well, I know for me growing up without a father in the house, that I knew all the things I didn't want to be.
Speaker 4:Yeah.
Speaker 1:You know, and though I didn't, and so I worked on not being those things and being this over here. So you made a choice. I made a choice to be there for my son. You know, brandon, he grew up with a mother and a father. You and I did not grow up with a mother and a father. He was the only one in here that grew up with both parents.
Speaker 4:I believe we have people behind the scenes. Well, maybe, so it's 50-50. Shout out, shout out to him.
Speaker 1:I believe we have you know people behind the scenes? Well, maybe shout out. So it's 50-50. Shout out, shout out. I'm just, oh, I know, I just, I just wanted to.
Speaker 4:For statistical purposes.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, in this room it's a 50-50.
Speaker 4:Right, okay, and in my household it's 50 Right.
Speaker 1:But you've also been a single father for a while.
Speaker 4:Yes. So my daughter knows, even though she calls my wife mom and she had like a two parent household she didn't, her whole life.
Speaker 1:But to answer Brandon's question, brandon remembers growing up with me and my wife and I. You know we, we went through a lot. I mean, we've been married 46 years. Man, you don't be married 46 years by accident, by mistake, you know and I was a blended family as well.
Speaker 4:Yeah, it was.
Speaker 1:It was and I, you know, we broke up and I came to get my stuff. I was at a hotel and I came to get my stuff and Brandon looked at me. I remember he looked at me and he was like you might remember this? I don't know. You're a little boy, it's like where are you? Going. You know you live here, you know, yeah, and when I looked at him it's like I felt like if I leave, kind of what you said earlier, I'm giving up, mm. Hmm, ok, and so.
Speaker 4:I decided not to leave and I said to my wife I said I tell you what, if we can't be together, give me my son. So what you just said, what we said earlier. Right, when I'll just say it from the man's point of view A man will forsake his happiness for the happiness and well-being of his family. Right, Right, and that's what it sounds like it was.
Speaker 1:You looked into the eyes of a child, your family, and like all right, I can't do to my son what my father did to me. Yeah, at that stage in the game, yeah, you know. And later my wife said I should have let you take his ass. That's what she did. You know what.
Speaker 3:Goodness gracious, his ass. You know what, goodness gracious you know what. So what's interesting to me is is is all of this, is that what I? I recognize, um, obviously within the family dynamic, but there's there's also a again a larger societal issue that I think that's important to address, and it's it's one of boundaries and non-negotiables. I think that most people are not very good at setting boundaries and non-negotiables for themselves, and so what happens is when they get into a relationship and they haven't set those boundaries and non-negotiables, they become something that you learn and discover as you're doing it in real time.
Speaker 4:So you're saying something, man? Oh my gosh.
Speaker 3:So think about this, right. So when, if, if I don't, if I come into a dating relationship and I and I have certain boundaries and non-negotiables, by the very nature of that, I'm eliminating a large pool of individuals that I could possibly be in a long term relationship with. Right Right, but if I don't have those and I'm willing to acquiesce, I'm willing to bend, I'm willing to See how it feels yes, exactly, I'm willing to accommodate because I want to please somebody. Well, what happens when you come into a marriage and the emotional aspects of the filet-o love right, that emotional kind of love begins to kind of fade. You have to have something that's built on, something stronger in terms of foundation than just a good feeling for somebody. And what happens is now you recognize that wait a minute, I am actually not tolerant of these things, but you didn't address those things at the beginning and now you want to come and set a boundary that wasn't there before.
Speaker 3:And so what for those that are listening to this that are not yet married? When you're in those dating phases, be okay with asking the hard questions upfront about how you live your life, what you believe, how you want to raise children, so that you can determine what those non-negotiables and what those boundaries are, and then it allows you to eliminate a lot of these hardships once you come into the marriage dynamic.
Speaker 4:And there's an indicator on what an indicator on if let me reverse what you're saying is you have to know yourself first to know what your boundaries are right. You know what you're into. And we're oftentimes an indicator, as people get into a relationship and they start taking on the interest and the some of the personality traits of who they're dating, because it's new and exciting and they don't necessarily know who they are, so this feels great until it doesn't.
Speaker 1:We are, as men are, geared towards giving the female what she wants or needs to get what we want. All right, let's be honest. Yeah, as men, we want one thing early on we may fall in love later. Yeah, you know, and maybe there's some love at first sight, and maybe women fall in love at first sight. Maybe men do too, I don't know, but most men that I know it wasn't love that attracted them, it was a good looking woman and they wanted something from her. Yeah, and I remember and we talk about doing what women want to satisfy them. Not a big jazz guy, but meet this woman. I love jazz, love jazz. You want to go to a jazz? It's a boring to me, I don't want to do that, but I acquiesce. Yeah, I know jazz, Love jazz. You want to go to a jazz? It's a boringness to me, I don't want to do that, but I acquiesce.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I know, just the spot, I know just the spot and I do that, and we get caught up in doing that, brandon, as you said, instead of me being honest right there and saying, yeah, I'm not a fan.
Speaker 3:I'm not a fan of jazz.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 3:Because what happens is that we lose one of the core principles of human existence, which is the doctrine of free will, the ability to choose and do what you will to do. And what happens is when you feel like you're being forced to do something, when you have to do something that's obligatory, right, right. That's where resentment and bitterness builds, exactly. And what happens with men in a marriage typically, and women too as well this happens with them as well. We can't leave them out in this, in this regard, but both parties end up doing things that they lose bits of themselves in order to please the other person. Person. Okay, and it's now not something I'm doing in a in a sacrificial way, out of, out of service, out of love, but I'm doing it because I feel like I have to do it right in, in order to maintain the relationship. And that's where you're going to have fissures and cracks in that relationship, and I believe what you're saying.
Speaker 4:just just everybody know. Also it applies to intimate relationship, you know, and I'm not talking about sexual, I'm talking about just intimate. You see that in church, with men's groups, a group of guys that pretend to like sports but have no interest in sports, because that's what gets in the connection. So, men, what you're saying is we will typically do what we have to do to get what we need Right, that connection, intimacy, intimacy, the whatever. But if we don't know ourselves to know what our boundaries are, then we may fall into a dark space, a bad relationship when I was a young man, what was important to me was a piece of sex.
Speaker 1:Yes, now it's a piece of mind a two-piece and a piece of sex, two pieces churches and popeyes.
Speaker 3:Where does this two peas come from?
Speaker 4:I mean, if you're in the funk, you want to hit Lisa's Chicken and Seafood.
Speaker 3:But today Is this William's Chicken. Where's the two peas come from?
Speaker 1:Today is a peace of mind.
Speaker 3:Yeah, peace of mind.
Speaker 1:Peace of mind is vitally important to me and I think that as you get older, it becomes more important. But also I have to understand that my wife there's some practical tools as a husband that I have to understand that she needs. I have to learn and, if you're listening, we have to do weekly check-ins. As men, we have to ask our wives what do you need from me this week? Going back to what you were saying earlier, what do you need from me this week, you know? Secondly, speak her love language, even though it's not yours. What is her love language? Mine is one of giving. I'm a giver, which is perfect for us because my wife is a receiver.
Speaker 4:Well, I want to say real quick, while you sip that, on love language also for people that have been married as long as you has there been any changes in love languages as y'all have grown?
Speaker 1:You know what? I don't know. I think I've always been a giver. Even when I took the love language test and that's what it came out, I wasn't shocked Because as a kid I've always been a giver. I get a joy from giving. Number three share your emotional load. Be present, not just productive. Yeah right, share your emotional load. As men, we have to learn to share that with our wives. You know that hit that hit someone that hit you didn't, it was a story, a bible story hit me real quick.
Speaker 4:Okay, uh, was it mary and Mary and Martha when Jesus was there and she's in there cooking and cleaning? Yeah yeah yeah.
Speaker 3:And he's like, oh, You're not going to tell her to help me. He's like nobody told you to do all this work.
Speaker 1:You don't want to run around here like this. Oh, that work is going to be there. I'm not going to be here long, but I think that was big.
Speaker 4:Be present, not productive. I'm not saying don't be productive, but you get it Exactly.
Speaker 1:Practical tool number four don't fear healthy conflict. It's a path to deeper connection.
Speaker 3:Yeah, this one I resonate with out of. You know, this is really, really important, and I want to just double down on the importance of this for people is that you have to be okay with conflict. We have so many people that are just afraid of any type of confrontation. Conflict is not bad, you know. That's one thing, and it don't have to be bad.
Speaker 1:No, no, no, it can be bad, it can be but so you said defensively it's not bad, it doesn't have to be bad no, well, well conflict.
Speaker 3:What I'm saying is is is I'm saying is it's amoral? It doesn't have. You can't ascribe morality to it Okay, okay.
Speaker 4:So what I'm saying is that you can, I can go with that.
Speaker 3:Yeah, so you can push it either way. Exactly right. So it's amoral in that regard. So when we avoid conflict, what we are doing actually is avoiding resolution and reconciliation, right, right, because you have to have healthy conflict Right. And that's one thing you know in in my household that we've tried to model with my kids is that we will get into discussions, into disagreements, but at the end of it it's a resolution. No one's allowed to just walk away. It's like no, ok, don't stir things, don't stir the pot, and then not have a solution to solve the problem that you raised Right. And so once we get to that now, there's a better understanding and also to you, you increase your ability to be resilient through difficult situations when you're able to overcome hard conversations.
Speaker 4:I think, just to clarify for certain people, there's a difference between conflict with the intent of solution and creating conflict just to air grievances. Right, you know absolutely, and that's, and that's when. I was complaining, right that's. It's like it's.
Speaker 4:You can be I'm confrontational in the sense of, like I want a resolution, like I care. I think that things take too long. They can fester and become bigger, right, so I can say I'm confrontational. Some people can say, oh, that's bad. I say I'm confrontational, not seeking out problems. I'm not a troublemaker. Right, and I think that's the biggest thing with what you're saying. Right there is there has to be a solution in mind before you don't just go kick off a battle with no solution, right, or just look into to fuss and fight, and maybe that's a piece that we overlooked in this whole episode.
Speaker 1:Also to the fatherhood connection, what you guys just said. A strong, respectful marriage provides emotional stability for children. Kids feel secure when they see their parents navigating life as a team.
Speaker 3:Yeah, that's so true. Right, that is so true.
Speaker 1:As a team. As a team, you have that conflict, this ain't one on one basketball, you come together you know and you work it out. And I have a call to action for you all this week, Anybody this week. I want you all to be intentional. Ask your wife how she's really doing. Yeah, and listen, not to fix but to understand. Right, that small act may do more for your marriage than a dozen apologies yeah.
Speaker 3:That's good, that's good, no, that's good. So I think, in conclusion, right, you know, happy wife, happy life. Is it a myth, right? Is it cliche? I think that there is. We've identified as there's a there's a bit of truth in that in terms of, yes, the household in general, we all can admit that it is better when your spouse is let's not call it happy, but is at peace and feels loved, feels protected, all right. But that doesn't mean that we placate as men. But that doesn't mean that we placate as men. That doesn't mean that we acquiesce or we lose sight of principles and we allow our boundaries to be usurped in order to maintain a false sense of happiness. And we are okay with conflict and we are okay with coming to a resolution. But, at the end of the day, as men, we all want our wives to feel good and feel like they're secure, and that should be a goal, absolutely, yep.
Speaker 1:Okay, you have been listening to and watching the Father Factor.
Speaker 4:I'm your host Byron Ricks. Josh, any last words? Hey, man, after this episode, any last words is kind of a good thing to end it on.
Speaker 3:right, Right, yeah, let's see Any last words is kind of a good thing to end it on, right, right? Yeah, let's say any last words. Shout out to our guy Taurus, man, taurus, taurus is holding it down. Camera department doing his thing.
Speaker 1:Yes, absolutely, shout out to him. You've been listening to the Father Factor. I'm your host, byron Ricks. Remember all your kids are equally yours. Until next time, hey, thank you. This is Byron, the Father Factor Podcast. Thank you for listening. If you like what you heard, subscribe and share and tell us your thoughts. We'd like to hear from you. Perhaps you can be on our show. And to the fathers out there remember all your children are equally yours.
