The Father Factor Podcast
The Father Factor Podcast
with Byron Ricks, Joshua Warmbrodt, and Brandon Ricks
What happens when fatherhood leaves a void—or when it shows up with strength, wisdom, and love?
Join Byron Ricks, author of Searching for Dad: The Nine Side Effects of Growing Up Fatherless and How to Overcome Them, alongside co-hosts Joshua Warmbrodt and Brandon Ricks, for honest, transformative conversations about fatherhood, identity, healing, and legacy.
Whether you’re navigating life without a father, striving to become the father you never had, or raising a child impacted by fatherlessness—this podcast is for you.
With real stories, research-backed insight, and heartfelt wisdom, The Father Factor Podcast creates space for growth, understanding, and redemption. Because no matter where you start, healing is possible—and legacy can be rewritten.
The Father Factor Podcast
From Rage to Respect: Parenting With Emotional Intelligence
Is IQ really the key to success? According to science—and this powerful podcast episode—the answer is no. Emotional intelligence (EQ) is the real game-changer, especially for parents. In this heartfelt and hilarious episode, Byron shares real-life stories that highlight the five core elements of EQ: self-awareness, self-regulation, empathy, motivation, and social skills. From confronting a poop-happy neighbor to breaking generational patterns of reactive behavior, Byron shows how mastering EQ can change your home, your relationships, and your legacy. This is a must-watch for any parent who wants to raise emotionally strong kids while becoming a better version of themselves.
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why emotional intelligence is important in parenting, EQ vs IQ parenting, how to stay calm with your kids, emotional intelligence real life examples, Byron Ricks podcast parenting, best parenting advice 2025, how to develop emotional intelligence, teaching kids emotional regulation, emotional awareness for dads, parenting with empathy
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There were men that were very smart but they were poor. They weren't successful, but they had high IQs. They came from great lineage and families, but they didn't do well in life. They went business after business fail. Parents need to have emotional intelligence.
Speaker 3:Oh yeah, they have to. We can end the podcast right there, the end.
Speaker 2:Parents, you need to have emotional intelligence.
Speaker 1:All righty welcome to the Father Factor. I'm your host, byron Ricks, and today my co-host is Josh Schrambrot and Brandon Ricks, my son. Gentlemen, welcome, how are you doing this morning?
Speaker 3:I have a question. Isn't today the co-host the exact same? You keep saying today, your co-host is as if is is the guy going to change? Are you planning on going anywhere?
Speaker 2:Man, I guess I'm still in the audition phase.
Speaker 3:I'm just saying, I mean, you know, you say it like you're going to have different co-hosts each time you said the way Josh's words come out sometimes.
Speaker 2:Maybe you're like Shannon Sharp. Maybe you're like Shannon.
Speaker 3:Sharp, you're on the chopping block. Oh hey, stephen A needs a new, matt Kellerman. He gone. Shannon Sharp gone, you know, magdalene Russo can go too, I guess. I mean, you know, maybe I'm like J Will, I'm the rotating one, you know. I just come every now and then.
Speaker 1:Well, you know, everybody's always auditioning. Oh yeah, you know Husbands and wives you're always auditioning, just saying.
Speaker 3:You always leave with when you stop auditioning.
Speaker 1:that's when you lose out. Oh yeah, it's a closed audition fellas, I'm not Listen here.
Speaker 3:If I got to still audition for something, you might as well just go replace me then.
Speaker 1:You don't think you're auditioning for your wife? No man, You're auditioning.
Speaker 3:We're not doing that.
Speaker 1:I Okay, gentlemen, today our topic is that one of emotional intelligence. We're going to talk about emotional intelligence and parenting and the role that emotional intelligence plays in parenting, and I used to teach this course emotional intelligence back in the day, and scientists say that emotional intelligence is more important than IQ. To say that emotional intelligence is more important than IQ, and one of the things they noticed was there were men that were very smart but they were poor. They weren't successful, but they had high IQs. They came from great lineage and families, but they didn't do well in life. They went business after business, failed, but yet they looked at these other men who didn't have the high IQs, but yet they had thriving businesses, they had healthy families and they were doing well. And that's when they conducted a test, a survey, and that's where we got the emotional quotient.
Speaker 1:The EQ emotional quotient was born of the testing those scientists did. And so today, what emotional intelligence is, if I explain it? So what is emotional intelligence? It is the ability to recognize, understand and manage your emotions and the emotions of others. It's the ability to stay calm in chaos, to read a room, to inspire when others feel hopeless. According to studies, it predicts success more than IQ, experience or technical skills, and I'm suggesting today parents need to have emotional intelligence.
Speaker 3:Oh yeah, they have to. We can end the podcast right there, the end. Parents, you need to have emotional intelligence. Oh yeah, they have to. We can end the podcast right there, the end.
Speaker 2:I mean parents. You need to have emotional intelligence.
Speaker 1:One thing I also want to introduce here. There's an emotional intelligence quotient and it consists of five blocks. The first block is self-awareness Understand your own emotions. When you feel frustrated, pause and ask yourself what is going on with me right now? What am I feeling? So it's being in tune and in touch with how you feel in the moment. Number two is self-regulation. Are you able to control unproductive emotions? So when I feel a certain way, can I regulate in that moment? Quick story I lived in Plano at this time and my neighbor had this little dog and this dog she'd always let it poop in my yard and I asked him not to let this dog poop in my yard.
Speaker 1:And I was teaching emotional intelligence at the time, by the way. And I just got back from the road and I'm in my office. In my office I look out at my yard and I see her and I see the little dog and it's popping my yard, and then she takes the dog and walks away and I, in the moment, I was not self-aware, I was furious and I ran down the stairs and I was going to give it to her man. But then, thank God, I self-regulated Because I was aware of what I was feeling, and then my self-conscious said to me Byron, you can't say that to that man's wife. Byron, you can't say that to that man's wife. That's your neighbor and that's his wife. How would you feel if someone spoke to your wife like that, regardless of what she had done? So I self regulated, so you didn't return that poop to sender. Well, I didn't. I've done that before, though you remember that, Brandon.
Speaker 3:Listen, I was waiting for this story, so I wanted I'd like to do a compare and contrast. So why don't you just finish, and then we'll get. We'll get to the younger Byron, the younger Byron, who was not emotionally intelligent.
Speaker 1:So with this one, though, what I did do? I went back upstairs and I wrote a note and just told the lady what I had observed the time, the date, the whole nine and I asked her to please not let the dog poop in my yard, or at least pick it up. Yeah, would you do that for me? Okay, Now put it in the mailbox. And the husband came over a little later and apologized, and we became good neighbors overall. We weren't the best of neighbors. I'd get their mail if they was out of town. They'd get my mail about that kind of thing, but we weren't feuding because I exercised some emotional intelligence. What's your story?
Speaker 3:Now let's tell the story of what had to to be what 15 years before. All right, at least we were living in california, and uh, and now I want to be. You know, I, you know, I, I don't mind conflict, so I, I enjoy this version better than the other one. All right, so, uh, there was a, a gentleman in our neighborhood in orange, county cal, california, that would let his big dog take hot, steamy ones in our yard all the time. We're not talking about a little dog here, we're talking about a big dog, big, big old, stinking lumps of doo-doo in our yard. And my father respectfully asked him to stop letting his dog take big steamers in our yard. And my father respectfully asked him to stop letting his dog take big steamers in our yard. And he chose to not heed that warning. And so Byron decides for a little retribution. The next time he did it, he took the big steaming pile of doo-doo and threw it in the man's mailbox. When the guy came home, he had crap all over his mail, and it never happened again, though.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:So there was a consequence. Now, those that are listening, you can choose. You know whether the note was most appropriate. Now, I would argue that it greatly depends on what kind of example you want to set. You know.
Speaker 2:And who you're dealing with too.
Speaker 1:And who you're dealing with, well, see he's going to tell you the rest of the story. Okay, see, the rest of the story was the guy was a hunter, it was a hobby, and one of that dogs I think it was, whatever it was retriever or whatever it was. So he was coming down the street, we lived in a townhouse and he had a rifle.
Speaker 3:No, it wasn't a townhouse, was it? Yeah, that wasn't what I thought that was. No, that was in. Uh, that was in Irvine, that was in Irvine, but I was there then. It wasn't a townhouse, that was, that was Okay. How many times I've done that?
Speaker 2:Dan, you did it more than once. You got an habitual offender.
Speaker 3:Hold on, man Hold on man.
Speaker 1:Wait a minute here man.
Speaker 3:You got a boy. I mean because in the townhouse I wasn't there yet I wasn't even. I was a baby. So I wasn't there, I wouldn't have known.
Speaker 1:That's right, you wouldn't have known. Yeah, now, that happened there too, so let's forget that story man. You're just compiling these stories man. I did it once in Carmel, indiana too. You might have forgotten about that one.
Speaker 3:Man, listen man.
Speaker 1:You know what I just do them service, you know.
Speaker 2:Return to center.
Speaker 1:It's your dog's poop. I just take it back to you. Yeah, if you want to.
Speaker 3:Right now. But back to the point of emotional intelligence, Emotional intelligence.
Speaker 1:So the first point is self-awareness, being aware of how you're feeling in the moment. Ask yourself that. The second is self-regulation being able to regulate those feelings. And then the third one is empathy, or social awareness. And what is that you feel? What your child feels, or what your person feels that you're in a room with when your teen slams the door, ask yourself what's behind that behavior, what are they going through? In other words, even if you're at work, if something is going on, you've got to be able to be empathetic, empathetic, empathetic. What does empathy mean? Putting yourself in someone else's shoes, not sympathy, but empathetic. What's going on with that person?
Speaker 1:I remember I worked with a woman. I used to work at the Indianapolis Chamber of Commerce and I was the first black male to ever work there. And I remember people treated me all you know, it was just a little different. People treated me all you know, it was just a little different. But, that said, one of my best friends in the world to this day.
Speaker 1:I met at the Indianapolis Chamber of Commerce, you know, and Dave shout out to Dave Ketterer, my man. But this young lady there was just snobby toward me and my first thought was it's because I'm black. But then I thought, okay, let me be aware of this, because we're in the kitchen getting coffee and let me regulate, because I wanted to say something to her, because I had been trying to interact with her before, and then I was empathy. Empathy, I said you know what? I don't know what she's going through, because she has no reason to be angry with me and if she's a racist, she's a racist. I mean, she's not, she may not be. And I remember I asked Dave about her, I said what's going on and he said Byron, don't feel like the long rangers. She treats everybody like that equal opportunities she's equal opportunities.
Speaker 1:It's not a snob, but she just has some problems with her own life, okay, and so that's why sometimes, when people treat you a certain way, we can't take it personally. Sometimes, when our kids go off or they stomp or they get angry, like, remember one of the things? When I grew up, we weren't allowed to express any emotion, nothing. I don't care what my parents did or said, we couldn't say, oh man, oh man, you lose some teeth. Whereas with my kids, my grandkids, they'd say, oh man, okay, I know you don't like what I just said. However, you still got to do it. You can have that all man being socially aware of what's going on with them, and then social skills.
Speaker 1:Number five it's about connection, listening, setting boundaries, repairing after conflict. Repairing after conflict. I have seen conflict destroy whole friendships. I'm amazed. Sometimes I watch a court show and friends will be suing each other over $150. $500. They've been friends 25 years and the judge will say well, hopefully you guys can resolve this. No, we're not going to resolve it. 25 years is worth $150. You waste a lot of your time with this person.
Speaker 3:Well, a lot of times it's not about the money, though, you know. I think that that's part of the problem. We have a society that is, unfortunately, largely conflict-avoidant and very passive-aggressive, you know. So things build up over time, wrongs and slights and disrespect, and that because of the fact that you're too afraid to address it. What ends up happening is that it builds, and so then the culmination of wrongs you now want to lash out over over time, and so the the issue that's now the a hundred dollar issue is really, it's greater than that Exactly.
Speaker 3:It's been building and that's now the hundred dollar issue is really greater than that.
Speaker 1:Exactly it's been building.
Speaker 3:And that's just what ended up being what they say the straw that broke the camel's back. That's the conflict model.
Speaker 1:Real quick. That's the conflict in the conflict model behavior that goes unchallenged, goes unchanged. And so, when the behavior first shown is ugly head, you accepted it, you allowed it, you allowed it, you gritted your teeth. You accepted it, you allowed it, you allowed it, you gritted your teeth and you allowed it. And then, at some point it might have been that suit or whatever it blew up.
Speaker 2:No, no See, I tell my kids a couple things, right. I say feelings are indicators, right. So if you drive in a car and your low tire pressure light pops on, it's an indicator right, indicating you need pressure. That don't mean you and pull off the car because I got low tire pressure, I gotta call the mechanic, right, you, you know you assess the? Situation. Assess the situation right if it pops up with that little oil like the little genie in the bottle thing oh you better stop.
Speaker 2:you're gonna lock up your engine. So the emotions are indicators and people feel like to. What you're saying and I will hope people catch, is that it's not always you or me or whatever who did the behaviors that made that person feel slighted. It could be what's happening in their life. Like you said, we don't know what's going on in life and so everything is feeling bigger and I'm hypersensitive.
Speaker 2:So you could deal with somebody that has a lot going on and you're dealing with them, because it's not just the money, it's a bigger issue, whether it be a long-term issue there, whether it's a lot going on. And you knew what was going on in my life at the time you hear that stuff. You knew what was going on. So it sounds like the friend wasn't empathetic during that, but this friend may not have been as intentional as they should have been. So we're talking about feelings and this is a feeling culture and we're talking about emotional intelligence and people are quote unquote aware of their feelings everywhere, but and people are quote unquote aware of their feelings everywhere, but they have no regulation of it Exactly.
Speaker 1:But how? Then? Going back to being a parent, how is emotional intelligence, or why is emotional intelligence, important for parents today?
Speaker 2:I'll share an example of what happened with my daughter at one point.
Speaker 1:Let me read the definition real quick. So what is emotional intelligence? I'm sorry, you already read that already. So why EI matters for parents? Our kids are watching us. They don't just hear what we say, they feel how we say it. They feel our anger, our joy, our anxiety. So when we can manage our emotions, we model self-control, empathy and leadership. You had a story, yeah yeah.
Speaker 2:So my daughter. We was having a challenging time with her, Probably right around middle school. She was one of the first girls to develop in the school, and so she was having some challenges at school you know we weren't fully aware of. And so she's coming in with attitude, she's being difficult, she's she's not interested in school anymore. She grounded I'm talking about grounded grounded to the point where I told her I'm finna, make this look like a cell, no color on your walls, I'm gonna give you a mattress on the floor.
Speaker 2:That's where I was getting to. But you know, in prayer and processing what's going on, the Lord spoke to me. He said she's been grounded for how long. Nothing's getting better. You know how do you think? She feels? She has no hope, there's nothing to reach for, and so he said she needs a fresh start. So, even though she came home tripping that day, she needs a fresh start. So, even though she came home tripping that day, I decided to give her everything back. Here's this, here's that. This is what we're going to do. This is a fresh start today. So let's make sure that we are stepping forth right. It was everything that was the solution.
Speaker 1:Okay, like for us, and did she appreciate that?
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, because before she had nothing to look forward to, she was miserable, school was horrible, life was horrible and we weren't being empathetic to where she was in school, and because we saw that and decided to give her a fresh start in grace, so you were self-aware. Self-aware.
Speaker 1:You were aware of your feelings and hers.
Speaker 2:As a parent, you're frustrated as heck with them.
Speaker 1:You regulated your feelings, which also helped to regulate her feelings.
Speaker 2:You had empathy about what she was going through and then we basically restored her to her standing, even though it may not have been warranted or from the outside looking in, I wouldn't have done that, but because we did, she really for her. She saw, wow, my parents actually are in touch with me, they do love me, they do care, and because of that she actually took more pride in moving forward and trying to make us proud.
Speaker 1:Brandon, have you had an incident where maybe you could have been more emotionally intelligent?
Speaker 3:Oh, my entire life. This is not an area that I was very skilled in. For a vast majority of my life I was very negative as it relates to emotions and emoting and feelings. I was rather, you know, I insulted people when they were too expressive and to a degree I still you know. For me, my emotional intelligence has improved because of an increase in empathy.
Speaker 1:But I guess. What I'm wondering, though, is you have three children, and if you look back at any situation, can you look back and go?
Speaker 3:you know, that was a situation I probably could have been more emotionally intelligent yeah, well, I mean again because, for me, I tend to lean more towards logic and reason. I'm quite dismissive about emotions in general. So so I can look at situations not with my kids, but with everyone. I think that being in the house with since I've got three kids that are all wired very differently it challenges me to apply different aspects of EQ based off who I'm interacting with, which has actually helped me be more emotionally intelligent outside of the household. So, for me, I don't necessarily compartmentalize it just from a parent because of the fact that this has been an area of weakness for me as an individual. I've had to do a lot of hard work to improve my EQ and not be dismissive about the importance of it, and so I have a lot of stories. One that comes to mind is not necessarily a family story, because in the family dynamic, my kids would say that I'm very much aware, because I I'm aware, I just don't care. Well, no, I mean I'm aware, and I think they will say that I do care because I'm quick to apologize. There's a culture of apology in my household, so if I'm wrong, I don't wait to apologize. I come right out and say I'm sorry, I overreacted, I shouldn't have acted this way.
Speaker 3:I was angry. For me, my emotions typically express themselves in anger and I got tired of just being an angry person, so I had to put that away. But what I didn't understand is actually how to recognize that. Oh well, why am I angry? Well, I'm angry because my feelings are hurt. I'm angry because I'm sad. I'm angry because you know a person you know was mean to me and I expressed it in anger as a result. Anger was my weapon to protect myself and guard myself, until I had to learn how to process a bevy of emotions and understand what's going on inside of me so I could communicate more effectively.
Speaker 3:But one of the ways I'll say that EQ was a huge situation when I had a business partner and you remember this when I was running an independent record label and it came the time for that, that entity, to dissolve and for us to kind of go our separate ways. And I was extremely hard-hearted in that scenario and in my mind I justified it by just being very business. Matter of fact, this is just business, right? We? We decided to go our separate ways. I gave him control over all of the assets and I went and did my own thing and in my mind yeah, this is clean here, this is a clean split. Yeah, it's not personal. No harm, no foul. You get this, I leave with, with, with what I leave, we're good, right.
Speaker 3:Well, what I realized is that from later is that he was really hurt by that. I was too quick to dismiss him or let it go, to let go. I didn't fight, I didn't empathize with his time and investment and the money that he spent. It was just hey, we're done, right, the season's over. Hey, we tried something Didn't work. Some some work didn't work. Hey, man, no harm, no foul, no harm, no foul.
Speaker 3:And we moved forward, right, like I was very lacking in empathy and in what we call fellow feeling, and we've since had a lot of good conversations, we've had coffee, we've had lunch throughout the years. But that relationship is nowhere near what it was. There was something that was broken out of it and I'm remorseful for that, because I valued this person's friendship and relationship and if I had have been more emotionally intelligent, not only could I have saved the relationship at the state that it was, we probably could have done business together in the future, right, but because I was so matter of fact, you know no reason to be in your feelings. Let's just move on, right? I unfortunately broke a bond there, so I've had those kinds of things that I've seen happened to me in my life as a result of not being aware or being more emotionally intelligent.
Speaker 3:And now, you know, at my age, now I think that I've increased exponentially in that regard. Am I exactly where I want to be? No, but my idea is to. Can I be better than I was the year before? Right? And if I look at my life on a scale, if I look at the version of myself at 20, 30, you know, 40, I am increasingly getting more emotionally intelligent and understanding how to regulate my own self, how to recognize when I have caused somebody else to, as Joshua say, have big feelings and what is the cause of that and how can I, as you said, get to a resolution? Conflict is okay. We talked about this on one of the last episodes. Is that, as long as there is a desire for restoration, reconciliation or resolution, right, you can have the rub, but emotional intelligence allows you to properly navigate the situation and be astute and be aware of what someone's feeling, what the indicators are telling you and how to make sure that you can keep the relationship moving forward in a positive way.
Speaker 1:Right, makes you aware, helps you to regulate, helps you to have self-motivation. Did I say something? Did I miss that one?
Speaker 3:I don't think so. I think, I think, I think you mentioned them all.
Speaker 1:Yeah, Self-motivation is. Parenting is hard, but emotionally intelligent dads dig deep, keep going, stay optimistic and show resilience. I don't remember reading that one.
Speaker 2:I don't think so yeah.
Speaker 1:I missed that one.
Speaker 2:One thing I want to say about emotional intelligence, right, is there's a dual impact when it comes to trauma. Some people are very emotionally intelligent due to their trauma you know, I'm one of those I had to be refined, though but there's also people that have stunted emotional intelligence growth due to trauma, right?
Speaker 3:So it really depends on where you're at so for example a parent not being there, you know it could be.
Speaker 2:This child may learn how to self-soothe, they may learn how to become emotionally aware. They may have a parent that's unhinged, so they have to be able to read the tales, and so in some cases it's a benefit because they learn, they grow. But it also creates codependency, it creates a savior complex. So there's lots of facets to emotional intelligence. I think that people don't understand.
Speaker 1:Are you saying emotional intelligence creates codependency?
Speaker 2:No, no, no, I'm saying that the trauma some people do trauma traumatic things right develop emotional intelligence right, so they can see, they can feel, they can regulate, okay, but it also can create a super sympathy right. So there's two sides of this, but it all depends on what we do with it. How do we self-regulate?
Speaker 2:Create a super sympathy. So think about Savior Complex. So I know a female whose dad wasn't there. Dad was struggling with drugs and other things. So when they see somebody struggling they want to step in and help and take that relationship on and try to help them become what they want right, because they can regulate. They can see certain things but they're not realizing the impact it's having on them. You're not choosing an emotionally healthy person. So a lot of times emotionally intelligent people try to regulate other people's emotions, make excuses. We become too empathetic at times and don't know how to set appropriate boundaries.
Speaker 2:Sometimes the pendulum can go too far. The pendulum can go too far, right, so you can have the ones where you're not aware of it, and then you can have you're aware of it, but you're not aware of the fact that you may be in tune with other people's emotions not just your own and you're more focused on regulating theirs. So I've seen that personally, like personally.
Speaker 1:I've seen that that reminds me of once I was given a talk and in the audience there was a lady in the audience and I was talking about comparing and contrasting my kids. You know, I used to love to compare and contrast my kids because they they are so different, and I was talking about my daughter and I. In our relationship at one point it was tumultuous. Right now my daughter and I get along like two peas in the pod, and so I had told the story of that and why and how I talked to her, how she talked to me and me being a father. I was just being a father.
Speaker 1:But this lady in the audience said you are such a mean man. I said, excuse me. She said to have not gotten along with your daughter like that. I said, lady, that was 20 years ago. My daughter and I get along fine. Now, come to the day. I gave you a story as an example to show you my growth, to show you her growth, and she's now so empathetic. She's gone back 20 years and she's empathizing with my daughter. That's the kind of thing you're talking about.
Speaker 2:Right, right, so I'm going to read this. So, basically, when trauma teaches emotional intelligence because trauma can stunt or teach right it can lead to heightened empathy. Trauma survivors often learn to read people quickly, tone, body language, microexpressions because they've had to for safety. This hypersensitivity over time can evolve into deep empathy and the ability to understand others' emotions intuitively Emotional awareness People who experience trauma may become hyper-aware of their own emotions in order to manage danger and anticipate conflict. They may learn how to compartmentalize, label and eventually understand emotions deeply.
Speaker 1:Okay, that's what you were saying. Yeah.
Speaker 2:What's the source on that? This is on chat. I put this on chat, gpt.
Speaker 1:Okay, this is just a Chat AI on that. This is on chat. I put this on chat GPT. Okay, ai, here we go.
Speaker 2:AI, you know, instead of Googling all this.
Speaker 1:You know what I want to put in AI. I want to know when Brandon talks about his lack of emotional intelligence. He's learning to be more emotionally intelligent, but he's always been like that. I wonder why Always?
Speaker 3:been like what.
Speaker 1:Not have emotional intelligence. I mean just not being emotionally intelligently, emotionally astute, yeah.
Speaker 3:I've been like this as a kid, yeah. You know, and so I just, I think that people are wired differently. I think that you know my, my. I'm wired towards more black and white concepts, I'm wired towards truth, and the problem for someone like me, not at five. You want wired towards truth? Yeah, absolutely, I think that, yes, indeed.
Speaker 1:Well, we'll do it.
Speaker 3:Well, I can remember Well what I'm saying, you know, wired towards right. It's that my orientation is always going to lean towards what is fact and what is real, and the issue that I have with emotions that I have had in the past and that I have with people, because they are real.
Speaker 1:Emotions are real.
Speaker 3:Well, you can feel something, that doesn't mean that it's based in reality thing. That doesn't mean that you're that, that it's based in reality, and this is, and that's that's a part of the problem is that a lot of people make decisions based off how they feel about something. Yeah, and I don't believe that, like I think that Josh said that feelings are an indicator. They're they're not data from which you should be making decisions from, and what I have encountered that the vast majority of people that I've interacted with throughout my life believe that it's justified to do something because they felt a certain way, and I've never, I've never understood that mindset or that thinking right. I've never, I've never done something because I was angry and then, and then, made excuses for my behavior. I knew what I did was wrong, especially once I stopped being angry.
Speaker 3:With my logical mindset, that was stupid, right, but what I have encountered is that, when most people do something based on how they feel, what they say is well, that's how I felt, I felt. What that is communicating is that my behavior, my actions, were justified because of how I feel, and I have never agreed with that. I still don't, but what I am learning, though, is that feelings should not be dismissed right. They should be taken seriously, and I need to not only recognize how I'm feeling, but recognize how someone else is feeling and be able to say okay, I acknowledge that, I accept the way that you feel. What is what? What is the larger indicator? Okay, there, there's the you. You feel like you've been wronged. Well, why do you feel that way?
Speaker 3:And then now I'm able to add a place in my life to where I can talk through things and not just say I don't really give a damn about how you feel, your feelings aren't important, I care about the facts. Which is how I was beforehand.
Speaker 2:Well, I think, to summarize all of that, it's response responding versus reacting. Right Response is usually a controlled reaction. I guess right Versus reacting you tend to….
Speaker 1:It's a controlled activity. A controlled activity right.
Speaker 2:Controlled activity, whereas a reaction is an uncontrolled activity. Right. So on this it also says right. It says I'm not going to read it all, but one of the favorite ones I have. It says boundary mastery, but in the parenthesis says eventually. Eventually, after being hurt or manipulated, some survivors learn the value of clear boundaries, both emotional and physical. This can lead to strong self-respect and assertiveness once healing begins. But that's the key once healing begins. So when we look at emotional intelligence, it is rooted in for one, it can be learned.
Speaker 2:Right, it can be learned well, yeah, right he's learning it because he was, I learned it I learned it the wrong way, right, but I learned, I learned it, so it is learnable. It's not like you're plagued with oh, you either have it or you don't.
Speaker 1:I used to teach it. I have a lot of. I mean, I have PowerPoint upon PowerPoint about it, it's a choice. And Dr Daniel Goldman. Actually, I went to his seminar when he first wrote the book Emotional Intelligence. You demonstrated emotional intelligence when you were at American Airlines Arena to the concert. Oh yeah, I could have.
Speaker 2:Man, I did want to go left for real, yeah, but you didn't. No, I didn't. You didn't Because I recognized. So to share. At some point I think I talked about this, but I have no idea what episode. Now we got video right. Well, that was a rough day. You know, I took my daughter to some concert she had and I need to run out to the car real quick, and you know, we were platinum level. You were supposed to let somebody know you leaving, or whatever, I don't know. And so I went out of the car, tried to come back and they won't let me in. You know, I had wristband, I had proof of everything, to the point where they sent over the supervisor and I'm over here like come on now.
Speaker 2:Y'all just seen me. You know what it is Right.
Speaker 2:Your daughter's in there, my daughter's in there by herself and I painted a picture and I could have manipulated it right by saying, oh, my daughter's up there alone, she's by herself. But I told them flat out you know, I'm going gonna keep it real with y'all. She's 17, so it's not like there's a four year old up there by herself. You know I'm saying um, though I didn't recognize the sign. It's been a long day. I apologize, I don't even want to be here. You're saying this is not my music, right, you know. So can we just go back up to the suite? You can go in there and confirm. There's a little drink up there that's not even touched yet, just sitting there waiting for me. And because I was honest with her, the supervisor had empathy for me, because I didn't try to lie and make it seem.
Speaker 2:So I said well, I went out there to the car and I realized I don't have my keys so I can't get in the car. You're not letting me back into the concert, so can somebody at least go up there and get my keys?
Speaker 2:And I showed her everything and she looked at me like and I'm like go. They went up there. They see that level was empty because what they're worried about is people switching off wristbands or whatever. That level's empty. My drink's sitting there. You know, she's there by herself. She gives them the keys and so when she came down from keys, she tried again, like you know what, let me see if I can get you in, don't worry. But her employee, who I would say lacked emotional intelligence, stood on the fact of what it is and she had an attitude, and that's why I was getting frustrated with her, because of her just that nasty turnt-up attitude for no reason. And then because of the honesty, handling them right, recognizing okay, rules are rules. This is a here. Here's a circumstance. If you can, you can. If you can't, you can't. But I'm at least trying to talk to you on a human level, rather than my daughter's up there and I should be up there.
Speaker 1:You didn't. You didn't get in, but you keys. I did get my keys, but if you had not exercised, some emotional intelligence, I would have left in cuffs.
Speaker 3:I know where it goes. Well, emotional intelligence also leads to discernment, a greater degree of discernment. And so you know again when I say that, for me, I'm rooted in logic and reason. A part of my reasoning for being humble and choosing to be more emotionally intelligent because I I honor the principle of discernment in such a high regard that I came to the realization is that in order for me to be a more discerning person, I'm going to have to be more emotionally intelligent. There was a I remember I was, I was in my studies and I was reading. I was reading a scripture in it. In it and it was I was talking about Paul was saying you know, rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn. Right, and I, literally I sat there and I said why would I want to do that?
Speaker 1:I don't want to mourn, yeah, and so you know.
Speaker 3:And so then I said, ok, I'm going to do a word study. And so I went and was looking at some of the etymology of the words that are being used in the Greek and I came across this word definition fellow feeling used in the Greek, and I came across this word definition fellow feeling. And I read the definition of fellow feeling and it was to feel the same feelings that someone else feels.
Speaker 1:In that time.
Speaker 3:And I literally sat there and said this is terrible. Nothing about this sounds appealing to me. And at that point in time, this is where I you know, for me personally, being a disciple is. This is where it rose. I have a choice now, right, Um, I can choose my will or I can submit. I can submit it. And so I said, okay, I'm gonna, I'm. I said, Holy spirit, I can't do this. I don't have the ability within me to do this. You're going to have to teach me Right, and he's been teaching me, you know, throughout the last I mean.
Speaker 3:This is, this was about five, seven years ago. So the last five to seven years have been a lot of emotional times for me and I have found myself being a lot more empathetic. But it started with an acknowledgement that, OK, if I'm going to be that, okay, if I'm going to be discerning, if I'm going to be able to make better decisions, I'm going to have to understand how people think and feel more than I do now. So here's some interesting emotional intelligence facts that I was able to pull up, and this came from a study of a preponderance of data that's been pulled about EQ, One of the things here that's quite interesting that it goes across different aspects of one's life, but emotional intelligence accounts for over 60% of people's personal and professional achievements, so you are literally hindering yourself if you're not learning how to be more intuitive emotionally. Only about 36% of people worldwide are emotionally intelligent. Let that sink in.
Speaker 3:That one right, there is a sobering statistic Only 36% of the world's population is considered to be emotionally intelligent.
Speaker 2:That means the majority of those people are living life completely, just lacking any kind of astuteness in this regard, and I've struggled with that piece becoming a more emotional intelligence, being emotionally intelligent, I've had to become more emotionally intelligent, right, because I deal with people that are not emotionally intelligent and like you, that matter of fact, right, you're like black and white, like dealing with somebody that just lacks emotional awareness and situational awareness, and all that drives me nuts. I struggle with it, and so I've not had enough grace and empathy for those that lack, which you're telling me is most of the population is lacking this, and I'm like what's wrong with this person?
Speaker 2:Well they're lacking.
Speaker 1:You know what I grew up, you know in Chicago west side, mostly south side some in Chicago west side, mostly south side some and I will argue that growing up in that environment helped to make me more emotionally intelligent because I didn't have sisters and brothers to fight for me. I wasn't in a gang kind of deal. It's like I'm in a concrete jungle and I had to be aware of my surroundings. I had to be aware of who was around me. There were things that were said and actions that were taken and done. That that's dude. No, he look like that. He look like. Say his name for me again.
Speaker 3:Who? Our guy in the corner? Yeah, arize in the corner. Yeah, arize in the house.
Speaker 1:Arize, arize, over there, buff. You know what I'm saying. Chest big arms. You know I can't beat Arize. You know he said something to me. I got to figure out how to get out of this.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but I mean, I think you said something there what when you say concrete jungle?
Speaker 3:Right, you have to shoot a reason you can't.
Speaker 1:That's what I'm saying I got to figure something out, See, and I was. I mean, that's. The thing is, I had to learn Reason. I'm just playing.
Speaker 3:Now, you know that right.
Speaker 2:So when you say the jungle, when you say the jungle, what's in the jungle? There's a lot of different life forms within the jungle. They're not all predators. The jungle's not just filled with nothing, but predators?
Speaker 1:No, you got predators and prey.
Speaker 2:But we tend to think that way and the prey know how to move, when to move, where to move, and I was prey Right.
Speaker 1:And I had to learn how to live.
Speaker 2:I was a combo. I'd be, depending on where and what was going on. I was a predator at times. I was. I was at the times, but that's the thing is. A lot of times people don't realize that. You know if we're talking about a jungle or an ecosystem or the church, you know the church talks about all the different uh, different parts of the body, right? So not everybody is wired the same way, and I think that goes back to what brandon was saying. Is that, versus something that's being more iq, eq? I think part of it. We need those black and white scientist type like let's discover something, and we also need those like you myself, who are in tune, charismatic and can tend to people and speak to those.
Speaker 3:Yeah, you have individuals right. For example, I'll get a lot of times when people will come and say man Brandon, you should be a pastor. I'm like, absolutely not. You don't know me very well. I should not be a pastor. I am a good teacher, okay, and I am a. I haven't given you the prophecy, but I am not. A pastor needs to have a level of a counselor. I am good for imparting information. People come to me. They want knowledge. How should I do X, y, z? I give information. My patience gets really thin because if I give you information, you don't apply it, like I'm done with you at that point. So you couldn't be a psychologist? No, because I don't want to. After five sessions I'd say why are we still meeting? You failed. I've given you all the information.
Speaker 2:You're hopeless. It's over. Get off my couch.
Speaker 3:The only person that can help you now is Jesus. I don't have anything else for you. But there are people that are very good, just walking alongside people, walking along them saying the same thing over again, repeating the same information over and over again. And this is actually. You know. You talk about eq as a parent, to go to tie this back right. Um, this is what one of the areas that I have realized that I have I have struggled in is because I am very much and it's the way that I was wired growing up.
Speaker 3:I don't like being told to do the same thing over again. I don't Tell it to me once the correct way. Don't come and talk to me again. If I need something, I'll come to you, I promise. If I need information, I will ask you. I have no pride in that. Now, with my kids, what I've realized is that I was like okay, I don't want to be bothered, so I'm going to educate them on these things, and what I realize is that wait a minute, they're not wired like me, so they're needing me to say the same thing over and over again, and I'm getting frustrated because I have the expectation that they are going to be like me Because when my parents told me to do something, I didn't want to be told again what to do. It bothered me to be told again because then it makes me feel like you think that I'm incompetent, but you just said something that we've all missed this whole episode.
Speaker 2:What's that Expectation? You know, one of the first things that you showed me was AR Bernard.
Speaker 1:Unrealistic expectation.
Speaker 2:He said I used to hate liars. Why? But what does a liar do? Lie, they lie.
Speaker 1:So why am I upset? Why you to?
Speaker 2:tell the truth, right? Why do I expect this? So, when it comes to emotional intelligence, things like that, most of our reactions, our frustrations, our angers are due to unmet expectations, right? So there's a level of self-awareness and the ability to set realistic expectations, and I know that you know there's a certain species out there that romanticizes events and things in their minds, right, and they think it should flow a certain way, and when it doesn't, they get upset. But and I'll say my grandma was one of them, my grandmother was once like this, real, proper, nice on my white side.
Speaker 1:She always wanted this real nice, like proper we have to clarify Proper like dinner. His white side or his black side?
Speaker 2:Yeah, she wanted this proper nice dinner where everybody's nice, and I'm like look at your family. You don't have these type of people in here. Like your expectation is off.
Speaker 1:None of us Right it's unrealistic.
Speaker 2:It's very unrealistic. So why not set the expectation? Okay, we can have all the things, but the behavior is going to be the behavior. We're going to do what we do and have a good time knowing how we are, versus an unrealistic expectation on a group of people.
Speaker 1:You know and I used to have a guy work for Dr William Peppichello what a name. Brown University graduate.
Speaker 2:Probably one of the most intelligent people I've ever met. I mean, that sounds like a smart person.
Speaker 1:Yeah, he's a very smart guy and when Brandon said what he said about only wanting to be told something once, one of the things that helped me move up under him under his tutelage was I was a director and there was four of us directors and you would tell him something and he'd go okay, or he'd nod his head and then when Bill I used to call him Bill one of the directors would say something to him again, he'd look at him and say I heard you the first time.
Speaker 3:Yes, exactly, and I observed that, I observed that.
Speaker 1:And so I learned that when I would go to him and I'd say Bill, and I say what I'm going to say and he'd nod or whatever, and I'd turn and walk away Because I knew that if he had a question he'd ask me. He'd ask you, right, and he loved that about me. He loved that about me. So there's some truth in what he's saying, but that was my ability to what To be emotionally intelligent and not make the person be like you.
Speaker 3:And yes, and I think you just said it.
Speaker 2:Most of us think that people think the way we think, and I have realized man, nobody thinks the way I think.
Speaker 1:Not only that, we're looking. See, when I tell you something, I'm expecting a yes, I'm expecting whatever response I'm respecting from you. I'm not getting, and because I'm not getting that response, I'm going to tell you again. Yeah, that's one part of it. The other part of it is that people are taught to give you information two or three times so that it sinks in. Now, that's true for some, but it's not true for all. So we've got to be able to discern who that's true for, and sometimes I am wired the way that I need to tell you again myself. I need to make sure you got it, I've got to make sure I told it to you correctly. And then, if I'm telling that to Brandon, brandon is getting irritated with me. You got any new information for me?
Speaker 3:Yes, exactly, I need new info, new data. So then, for parents, then Byron, what are the key takeaways here, especially for those that have multiple kids in the household? What are the key takeaways, as we kind of wrap things up here on this episode?
Speaker 1:Well, key takeaways. Number one start naming your emotions out loud. I'm feeling overwhelmed right now. I need a minute so be able to be self-aware. Ask your kids how they are feeling, how they feeling about something. You put out an edict, or you put out a curfew or something. If they do something wrong, show them that you care. How do you feel? Because people don't care how much you know until they what Know how much you care and listen Actively. Listen it's not just don't listen as I'm the apparent, I'm an authority, but listen as a counselor so I can really hear you. And next reflect, after an argument or a tough moment, ask what could I have done differently If it doesn't go the way you thought it was going to go or expected to go. Ask yourself what could I not them? What could I have done differently?
Speaker 2:I want to say something on that, because that's a big thing. We go back to expectation. We're dealing with individuals as our children and we say, oh, they belong to me, but they really don't belong to us. They are their own individuals, like they're not our property, right. So one thing I've had to do, you know, not just apologize, I'm quick to apologize is set expectation, and that's part of the thing with dealing with kids. If you tell your kids maybe at age appropriate right, set an. I'm not feeling well today, I'm frustrated, whatever the case is, because such and such, so right. You know, if I'm quiet, it's nothing you did right. There's certain things we can talk to the kids, because if we're modeling our self-awareness and we're modeling self-regulation, they're going to want to pick up on it. But if we're expecting them just to learn this on their own right, it's either they're going to learn it through drama or they're going to have to learn it later in life when it's a struggle.
Speaker 2:So, I think that those closings are right in line.
Speaker 1:It says emotional intelligence is a skill like lifting weights the more you use it, the stronger it gets. Fathers, parents, emotional intelligence is your secret weapon. It connects you to your kids, it strengthens your home, it builds your legacy.
Speaker 2:Fantastic, so you can leave a note, or you can leave the pool.
Speaker 3:Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 1:You've been listening to the Father Factor. I'm Byron Ricks, your host. The Father Factor. Why? Because fathers count. Fathers remember, all your children are equally yours. Until next time.
