EP.71: He Destroyed Things Because He Was Hurting Emotionally

We draw a hard line on boundaries after a “fun” day out breaks our son’s diet, a chaotic family visit disrupts routine, and grief surfaces through targeted destruction. We also name caregiver resentment without shame and share a simple tech tool that averted a meltdown.

• fundraiser links, storefront resources, and coffee support
• standing firm when family ignores diet rules
• post-visit escalation and how we confronted it
• targeted destruction as communication of loss
• clearing environmental triggers and resetting routines
• naming caregiver resentment without guilt
• the camp “primal scream” report and levity
• using phone filters as a fast regulation tool
• subscriber-only episodes on relationships and stress
• contact options for stories, questions, and support

Please share my episodes and spread the word to get more awareness around the subject of severe or profound autism, and also to let people know that they can donate to either my Safer Lifestyles Respite Community Blueprint project, which is a GoFundMe, or they can just donate cups of coffee as well

S.A.F.E.R. Lifestyles Respite GoFundMe
Please share this GoFundMe to help raise funds for building our DREAM, Outlined in Episode 57

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Magnesium Citrate Nervous System Support
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Disclaimer: This post contains affiliate links. If you make a purchase, I may receive a commission at no extra cost to you.

Transcript

Speaker 0:18

Hello and welcome to the Parenting Severe Autism Podcast. I am your host, Shannon Chamberlin. I'm so happy that you're here with me today. Remember to check my links in my show notes so that you can view my fundraiser and my storefront and all of the links to products that I have found helpful in our family. I'll be adding more links soon, as soon as I am able to utilize some products in the house and make sure that they're actually worth a darn. Of course, you are still able to buy me a coffee, if any part of this episode or other episodes touches you in any way, you're welcome to show your support. Of course, I appreciate that very much. I still am holding funds in hopes of helping another special needs family like ours who may be in need of some items or services that they are not able to purchase otherwise. So, with that in mind, please share my episodes and spread the word to get more awareness around the subject of severe or profound autism, and also to let people know that they can donate to either my Safer Lifestyles Respite Community Blueprint project, which is a GoFundMe, or they can just donate cups of coffee as well. Thank you so much for sharing. I actually got 98 downloads in one day the other day. That is my busiest day ever in downloads. My goal is 100 a day, so we're almost there for just for that one day. And I am optimistic that this will continue. Thank you so much to all of you who are sharing clips or entire episodes.

Standing Firm As The “Bad Guy” Parent

The Pool Day And Diet Rules Broken

Aftermath: Escalation And Confrontation

Speaker 1:45

Now, I have warned you that I have some really messed up, traumatic/ funny stories to do with our son and our first 12 months here. So I'm not sure if this episode will qualify for funny, but I want to address a couple of things just because I am remembering the victimization process for being a special needs mom and having to do things in the best interest of my child and not so much worrying about what other people think of me and my spouse as well. We're both in the bad guy box for most people who are related to our son. It makes you stick to your guns and you have to. And I want you guys to know don't feel bad when you start to get bullied by your family or your friends for doing things that you know you need to do as a parent to your child who has these special needs. And these needs are probably very unique to your child. In my last episode, I mentioned that I was really excited and grateful to feel that I had a community when we moved here. I thought I had a whole village just by having the grandmother in the vicinity, to be honest. And we also had visits from our son's half-sister, who has her own rug rats. And I thought this was gonna be a great family reunion, and maybe he would get some playmates out of it, and she would come visit often because she lives, um, I don't know, like six hours away in a different state. I just thought everything was gonna be great. I was under a lot of illusions. Um, I don't know. Uh, I guess it was just wishful thinking, even though we had to shut down our business and we lost everything pretty much. I was just like, well, still look for the best in everything. There's no use in just accepting defeat and wallowing in it. So that's kind of how I function, and I was happy to have these two other females getting involved in our son's life. So one day we were pleasantly surprised that the grandmother wanted to take him to her friend's house who has, I think, an in-ground pool just like she used to have, and they went to spend the whole day there. Yes, during this whole temper tantrum, meltdown, violent, spastastic thing that he was going through for all those years, she was brave enough to do that. And I thought he probably won't act that way with her because she's different and he's never really acted that way with her. I thought it was a great idea. And for the next three or four days after that activity, my spouse and I both noticed that he was acting really out of sorts. I mean, much more violent, much more inconsolable and temperamental than he had been before. And before it was pretty bad. As you know, he was attacking me and attacking all my stuff, you know, so it was even worse. We just kind of wanted to touch base with each other and make sure we were on the same page. Are you in agreement that he's acting like he was acting before he even had any of the special cookies? And yes, we were both in agreement. So we approached the grandmother about any possible dietary changes that might have happened in that one day that she took him swimming, and we found out from her that she was not taking any of our rules seriously. So she actually allowed him to have gluten, dairy, sugar, and dyes during that trip over there. No wonder he was being a psychotic asshole. It may not affect all kids, but it definitely affects our kid. We experimented, we removed one at a time and we noticed, and then we reintroduced them and we noticed. And it's no secret, everybody in the family knows that this is a thing, and it's imperative that we keep his diet as clean as possible because we have seen the results. So my spouse calmly re-educated his mother about these things.

Half‑Sister Visit Derails Routine

Speaker 5:23

Shortly after that, the half-sister came over with a few of her stepkids. Our son is always really happy to see her. He grew up with them, the sister and brother, you know. We have pictures of all of them being in the same playpen. He really loves them. They're his only real connection to his childhood, if you will. And we thought this is gonna be great. We've always been optimistic about family being around, at least we always had been up until then. The only thing I don't like, well, not the only thing, but the a big thing that I don't like about this family and the way that they do things is their time of arrival. And I know I mentioned that in another episode where they arrived before dawn and before we were even able to deal with our son and get him up and into his routine, and they were already they were sleeping in the truck in the driveway. And you know, that's not cool when you have a family like ours or even one special guy like ours. That is not okay. They do that a lot. She likes to leave at like midnight and drive at night and then get anywhere she's going before a reasonable hour for people to be ready to accept visitors. So she throws some kids in the car and drives all night and feeds them greasy food and whatever. And when I got up in the morning, my spouse was actually away on business at that time. He might have been at a training thing again or something, but he was out of town, and it was just me and Jacob and the grandparents, and then her and her kids. So I get up and I find that they are sleeping all over the living room. I didn't sleep well that night, but I wasn't really sure why until I got up. And I remember how I told you about his applesauce stains all over the place. Well, now there's more, and it's not applesauce. I don't know what it is, but it's all over the place, all over my door again, my refrigerator, the deep freeze, the entire entryway to my area, all over the laundry area, all over the bathroom, and it's like it looked like chocolate sauce was everywhere. And I didn't know what was going on, but it was dried, there was laundry going, and nobody is awake. The half-sister and her children are all laying around on the furniture. She's in the middle of the whole room with a queen size air mattress crashed out, and her children are laying all over a broken recliner and a couch and another recliner, I think. These kids had no blankets, no pillows, nothing. They're just laying there and there's nothing to keep them warm or I don't know, I don't know. Maybe some people sleep like that, but I wouldn't want to. I need at least a sheet, you know, to feel like I'm cared about and safe where I'm sleeping. So I have to deal with our son, get him up, get him ready for camp. We had to finagle around that. And no, he doesn't do well with breaks in the routine or surprises like that.

Illness, Mess, And House Boundaries

Speaker 8:17

We told him she was coming, but we didn't tell him you can expect to have a bunch of bodies all over the living room where you like to jump around in the morning and we won't be able to even turn on the lights. You know, that kind of messes with him a lot. Not kind of a lot. I get him all ready and I take him to camp and he held it together pretty well, but he didn't get a chance to visit with the sister or meet the kids. I got him to camp okay, and when I got back, I found that the half-sister was already in his bed. And I was upset because she has a uh what, a communicable disease, and I am not completely on the up and up about it, and I was nervous because she had her face all over his sheets and her whole body was all in his bed, and with a kid like ours, that's one of the last things you want in his environment, right? So I was a little bit pissed off about that, and I found out from the grandmother that the kids got sick, and then later I found out they had food poisoning because this idiot likes to feed them old ass, almost closed drive-thru foods during a road trip and not take care of them properly. I mean, hell, they didn't even have sheets and blankets, not even in the wash. They're - they just didn't have anything to keep them comfortable and make them feel safe in a new environment that they'd never been to before.

Missed Connection And Emotional Fallout

Speaker 9:35

But yeah, all that stuff I woke up to, that was, I guess, puke, or maybe just the shits, but it was everywhere and they cleaned it up partially but left a lot of it and it's stained. So I have a constant reminder, I just cannot wait to get a better environment for us to live in, because it I mean, it is just d shit. Probably literally, and I do my best to keep it clean, but damn, you know, it would help if people would clean up their own excrement. Ugh. Anyway, my spouse called after I had just learned all of this and I was still, you know, absorbing everything and the kids were still laying all over the furniture, and I told him that I think she's being a terrible mother, and that if her husband knew how she was treating his kids and how they were being made to sleep the way that they're sleeping and eat the way that they're eating, he would probably be a little bit upset and not so inclined to allow her to take them so far away from home anymore. But she's got him pretty fooled, but there's no way in hell I would ever allow someone, even if I had a neurotypical child, to treat my child like that and make them sleep on dilapidated furniture that's leather with no under blanket, no top sheet, no pillow, nothing, and just laying around in some stranger's house in shorts. I just no, I just thought that was terrible. Well, she heard me because I've mentioned that this house doesn't have insulation very well between the the layers and the levels, right? So she heard me and she complained to her grandmother, and then the grandmother was mad at me. It wasn't what it should have been.

Speaker 11:12

So anyway, I go pick him up from camp. I had to tell the grandfather that I want her out of his bed. You need to get her up and out of his bedroom because when he gets home from camp, he goes in his room. Everybody knows this. No one is welcome to be in his bed right now. And I mean, she slept there the whole damn day. So he goes and gets her up, but now I'm freaked out because I know that my kid needs to go in his room and decompress and do whatever, and I can't let him get in his bed without changing his sheets. You know, it was just it was undue stress. It was unfair, it was thoughtless and rude. Maybe I'm being a germaphobe, but I don't care. You should have better manners than that. And then I get him home and he goes in his room. He never got to see her because she was already up and out the door before I got him home. And that's only like 40 minutes that I was gone.

Speaker 12:06

She was there for like two days, I think, altogether, and they were all recovering from food poisoning. And I did see her one time and I asked her, Are you gonna take them to the doctor? And she said no. I've never dealt with food poisoning before, and I guess I don't know, maybe it's not necessary, but I don't know. I just feel like a life is valuable enough to go through the trouble. I don't know. I don't know. But anyway, that was about the most I talked to her. They were pissed off at me. I don't know, I guess they wanted me to apologize, but no. You know, whatever. I work my ass off to be a mom, and I don't, you know, uh-uh. But anyway, I think she left while our son was in bed. Again, she likes to leave at the weirdest times. It doesn't give you much opportunity to arrive on a good timeline for those involved outside of your caravan. So she left.

Targeted Destruction Of Family Photos

Speaker 12:57

He didn't get to say hi, he didn't get to say bye, he didn't get to hang out with her at all, she didn't show any interest like she used to in him. And some of that was because she had her own kids to tend to, but the other part was that she was out with her girlfriends for the majority of time that she was there. So kind of all the kids involved got screwed on that one. This is what hurt our son the most. When she came here and showed no interest in him, he didn't ever get to visit with his sister like he expected to, and like he remembered that he used to be able to. And ever since that day that she left without even being able to say goodbye to him, his behavior got so much worse.

Speaker 13:39

We began waking up to him taking pictures off the wall and throwing them down on the floor, crashing them to the floor, breaking the glass, breaking the frames. And if it wasn't first thing in the morning, then it was the middle of the night. He would wait until everyone was asleep and he would go and do it. And if it wasn't, then it would be the middle of the day, just any time that he could get his hands on these pictures of family and ruin them without anyone else being in the room, he was doing it. We started to figure out because the grandfather would pick them up and piece them back together and find a new way to mount them on the wall again. And every time he did that, Jacob would go and destroy them again. It didn't matter where they were, on the refrigerator or on the wall or on the entertainment center, he would destroy them. And then we started realizing that they weren't all the pictures. They were just pictures of her, the half-brother, or our son himself, or all three of them together, or any combination of that. To me, that was saying that he was angry with the relationships that had dissolved without his permission between him and his siblings. I showed my spouse the pattern of look, it's not all the pictures, you know. We were contemplating whether that was the real deal. And while we were still watching and trying to pattern it and figure out exactly what was fueling this rage, we started to notice new things because now the frames were completely ruined. Now they had to just put the pictures up, lean them against stuff, you know, lean it against a coffee mug or lean it against the television or whatever.

Speaker 15:15

And there it was, (excuse the geese outside). He was taking her pictures in particular now, because they were out of the frames, and he was stealing them and taking them to his room and ripping them into tiny pieces. And then he would either leave them on the floor or leave them on his bed. Sometimes he would take all the tiny pieces and throw them in the garbage, or he would return the tiny pieces to where the picture was when he picked it up, deliberately destroying pictures of her and him and the half-brother. But mostly he was targeting her. And I felt really bad for my little guy because he was obviously very hurt, and it didn't matter to anybody. I tried to talk to him about it because he has asked me in the past what was wrong with him or why am I crying. You know, I've told you that stuff. And I you know, I just it hurts me that his own family doesn't consider that he actually has feelings. I don't know what people think about our kids because they treat them like they're not human. I really think that they're some of the most feeling people in the world, to be honest. It's just that they can't express it. It doesn't mean that they don't feel. I think they're stuck in their head, they're stuck in their heart, they can't get anything out, they can't get anyone to understand them or identify with them in any way. Because of their inability to communicate, people just think that their actions don't affect them. I don't understand, but that's what happened. And I tried to talk to him about it, and I don't know if he understood a damn word that I said. I definitely didn't understand anything he was letting out, if anything at all, came out of his mouth. I don't really remember, but his dad and I both tried numerous times to talk to him about it.

Speaker 17:00

We weren't upset that he was destroying the pictures. We were actually a little bit entertained by his crafty ways, and we thought it was very telling. It was actually really helpful to notice that he was destroying specific pictures of specific people, not just destroying for the joy of destruction. There was a purpose behind it. So we tried to talk to him and let him know that we understood. We named the activities that happened around the visit for him. I know this happened, we saw that, we heard that, I know that she was here, and I know that she did this and didn't do that. You know, he lives in fast forward, even now that he's on his meds, he just lives life in fast forward. So it looked in his eyes like he was just in fast forward while we were talking to him each and every time. So I don't know if it helped or not. The behavior didn't stop. Eventually, his grandfather started getting pretty upset about losing these pictures. We suggested that he remove the pictures completely from the living room. And before he got wise enough to do that, our son also managed to break the ceiling fan lamp with his head in the living room. I mean, there was just no end to the destruction, it just kept happening. Once the pictures were removed and put away out of sight, Jacob stopped trying to destroy everything in that room. It was just in that room, unless it was on the refrigerator, you know.

Caregiver Resentment Without Shame

Speaker 18:21

And um, one thing about there's I think I want to get him a poster of this because it would bring back some fun memories for him. There was a magnet on the refrigerator for years, even during these negative years. The magnet had, I don't know if it was a famous old lady or just an old lady, but it was an old lady with her teeth out and like a she had like a mini pearl hat on, you know, and had her face sucked in because she didn't have her dentures in. And it says, if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. And Jacob loves that. It was a magnet, and he every year that we went down for holiday and everything, he would pick it up off the refrigerator and run around with it and read it, because he loves to read, but you can't understand what he says. But he he would read it very exuberantly, and he was laughing every single time. And I'm not sure if that got destroyed with some of the other stuff just as collateral damage, but he loved that so much. He thought that was the funniest thing in the world. And I have mentioned before that he loves little old ladies, so I don't know if it was just that or if it was also the words, and maybe altogether it was just hilarious to him. I don't know what it was, but I love seeing him laugh at that. And I think when I redo his room in a couple months, I'm gonna try to get a poster like that and put it in his room, and maybe that every day will make him laugh and start his day right.

Speaker 19:51

Once his dad was done traveling for the sales jobs that he got involved in, the mornings and middle of the night activities quickly became dad's duty instead of mine because Jacob was increasing with aggressive behaviors, and at that point only his dad could calm him down, but it severely increased my spouse's PTSD and our overall tension in the air and in the family unit. We really started becoming very resentful, and there was no there was nothing, you know, uh there's no one to blame, there's no one to resent, and you don't want to be resentful because when you realize that it's it's our responsibility, you know, it's not anyone else's responsibility to take care of this kid, and you find yourself resenting the very duties that you have to perform, and then it starts messing with your head, making you think that you resent your child. And I wanted to name that here because I know that others out there have struggled with this as well, and I think that it's fair to say that obviously we love our children, but that, you know, that doesn't mean that we have to love everything about severe autism. That we didn't have kids just so we could deal with severe autism. That was not part of it, right? So I think it's okay when we feel resentment about these extra duties that we have to perform. And I think it's safe to say that that does not mean that we resent the child themselves. I don't think that that matches. In some rare and unfortunate cases, yes, it does, but in most of our cases, I don't think that any of us need to feel guilty or less than for feeling resentment in our role as caregivers.

Camp Report: Pants Down, Primal Scream

Speaker 21:55

Because that's the difference, isn't it? Between being a parent and being a caregiver. That's not something you sign up for. You give up everything in your life just so you can be the caregiver because no one else wants the job, even if they were paid for it. So you end up doing it, not getting paid for it, and it's a thankless job, it's a hurtful and dangerous job, it's an exhausting job, it's mentally damaging, it's physically damaging, it's a lot of wear and tear on this body and this brain. So I just wanted to offer that as support for you guys out there who might be going through some of that. It doesn't last all the time, I don't think, unless you have a lot of it in your house, and it's just, you know, I do know some parents who have more than one severely autistic child, and those children have other health issues as well. And yes, it can absolutely swallow you whole. So in that situation, I can imagine that maybe those feelings never subside. I don't know because I'm not in that situation, but I just want to tell you it's okay and you're doing a great job. You may not think so, but you know, what did you have to learn from? Everyone is a new parent and everyone is a new caregiver. So don't be too hard on yourself with that, okay?

Speaker 23:12

And one more thing that happened during this short amount of time, and it does kind of crack me up, is that we got a call from camp one day that said... they said and I was just reading because at camp they have to um they have to send home reports when your kid does something wrong or messed up, you know, or hurts themselves or whatever. So I have a whole folder full of them, and I'm going to share some of those with you soon once I get back to the house next week. But I saw this one and it still cracks me up just to read it. Jacob pulled down his pants while we were all at the park. Pulled down his shorts and his underwear, it says. And then he just screamed. I mean, this kid is so primal. You know, he just, can you imagine? I mean, I felt bad for the kids, you know. They said that there were no girls around and that no one actually saw anything because his shirt's long enough and all that stuff, but they did recognize that he freeballed all over the place and just opened his mouth and and yelled. And like he has this really angry primal scream, and um that's what he did. And I just I don't know, I just thought it was hilarious. I don't know. I... it's just... this kid.

A Small Win With TikTok Filters

Speaker 24:40

I am sorry for any humming that was going on. I'm in the camper, it's snowing outside, and my electric heater kicked on, and I didn't realize it. So, yeah, the background noise is a little uncontrollable here sometimes.

Speaker 24:54

Okay, in my next episode, I've got New Tales of Destruction and a New Target that he chose after the sister target was over with, his new method of torture, and we'll go on from there. So remember you can keep your eye out for the subscriber-only episodes that I'm releasing. These are more personal about the effects that this type of situation has on our relationships, the things that we as caregivers may do that make that stress worse on each other. Um, if you're interested in that kind of information, it will be in the subscriber-only episodes.

Subscriber Topics And How To Reach Us

Speaker 25:35

Oh, and then one more thing I wanted to tell you is that they came over here the day before Halloween, and I had been trying to follow some trends on TikTok so that my content could get pushed out to advertise the podcast more. And I wanted to do a video with Jacob and put it out there, and it was some kind of an AI screen type thing, but by the time he got over here on the 30th, that one that came out on the 29th was already gone, but there was a new one in place, and it saved us from a next level meltdown. It was really amazing. I know he loves looking at himself in the phone screen and all that kind of Snapchat filter type stuff. Um, but I didn't realize how instrumental it actually is for him. He was sitting here staring at the valance over the blinds in the camper again while I had all the window blinds open, the trees are beautiful right now, the sky was beautiful, everything was awesome. You can see the river, I mean, beautiful scenery. And he's staring at this valence and smiley, he's got this fake smile plastered on his face. I think I mentioned this a couple episodes ago where he just reminds me of a pound puppy just waiting to find a good home, trying to be on his best behavior every time he comes over here to the camper. And I'm not sure. I mean, that's certainly not me. I never told him that children are to be seen and not heard or anything like that, but that's how he acts. And it just irritates the hell out of me because there's all this beautiful scenery, and I would like for his eyes to focus on something like that. I know, I know it's the autism thing, and I just I I reject it. I think it sucks. So I was trying to get him to tell me the names of the campers. All the brands or the models are printed on the campers, you know. So I was just trying to get him to look around and read the words on the campers, and he would not look at any other camper except this one. And I would point him in the direction of a different one, and he would still read the other one. And I was getting aggravated because I'm like, there are four campers here, and I'm trying to show you. Here's one, there's one over there, there's one, you know, and I just got so angry and I didn't lash out at him, but I'm sure he could feel my frustration, you know. I just, I don't know. I'm not always equipped, I'm not always ready. It's not something it's not my strong suit, you know. But I was trying to get him to interact with his environment, and I just was like, man, why? What just look over there? And he got so pissed off at me, and he was getting ready to have a meltdown, I guess, before anyway. And I think, I don't know, maybe that fake smile pound puppy thing is his way of regulating himself before he actually does meltdown. I'm not quite sure. It's kind of a new thing. But anyway, I saw that he stood up, he was getting ready to destroy stuff. I mean, it it popped off in a half a second. So I was like, oh hey, let me show you something. And I tried not to react panicky at all, but I grabbed the phone and he didn't want anything to do with it, but I just kept going. I opened up TikTok, I opened up the photo screen and finally got his attention focused on that, and I got him into the AI screen and it started putting little faces on him and stuff, and instantly calmed him down. And we played with that for about 10 minutes, and when we were done, he was smiling and happy. So I think that was more of a breakthrough for me than for him, but that's my good story for the week.

Speaker 28:53

If you have any stories or any woes or concerns or questions or comments or anything, you can reach me at contact.parentingsevereautism at gmail.com. You can also leave me a fan mail on the Buzz Sprout landing page for my podcast. You are able to send me the Facebook messages, but I'm not great at keeping that on my phone. I have to offload it a lot. So if you don't hear back from me quickly, then just please try to reach out to me another way.

Speaker 29:22

Thank you so much for your support once again. I hope you have a lovely couple of weeks. Hang in there. You're a superhero.