Quirky Voices Presents

THE Moonologue Sessions - PART ONE

July 21, 2019 Sarah Golding, Tanja Milojevic Season 1 Episode 1
Quirky Voices Presents
THE Moonologue Sessions - PART ONE
Chapters
Quirky Voices Presents
THE Moonologue Sessions - PART ONE
Jul 21, 2019 Season 1 Episode 1
Sarah Golding, Tanja Milojevic

Hello!

Have you gazed up at the moon today and thought...wow...fifty years ago today, men trod upon its very surface and stole a bit to bring back here, planted a flag and had a little jump about, did some experiments and....existed? Yup? I have. Maybe not the stealing bit...borrowed...yeah...borrowed, But of course - it was a much more major machievement mby mankind than my flippancy. I find them...truly inspiring. I mean. Did you SEE the tin can rocket ship wrapped in gold foil they did it in??!!

I wanted to do something to celebrate this major anniversary, and set up a QUIRKY VOICES monologue competition to find...some moonologues....yes...moonologues inspired by this majorly exciting anniversary.

And here we are - part one

The first

Of three.

Now, I'm going to say it here there and everywhere. I am...principally a professional voice actor...and teacher...and sound editing is something I am very new to in the grand scheme of things so..,y'know....some levels will be allll over the place. Please forgive my vertical leaning curve. I also do not own an extensive sound library of amazing effects so did a lot of experiments with sound things on my DAW....(that's what I edited it on) But, THE CONTENT ohhhh the content IS WONDEROUS...BECAUSE....BECAUSE OF THE AMAAAAZINGGGG TALENT that has written and performed these wonderful moonologues. And I also had fun myself on the way too.

Massive thanks to TANJA MILOJEVIC who quite last minute came on board to play...

In this ep, you can hear the following MOONOLOGUES:

Moon by Haydn Davis, narrated by Tanja Milojevic
The Apollo landing Moon franchise that never was by J Christian Ellet and performed by James Oliva
The Fleas By Maya Peace, performed by Mads Upton
Chaika, written by Karin Heimdahl and performed by Angelique Lazarus
Darkness, written and performed by Fiona Thraille

Thanks to Bret Maskill-Watts as narrator - Bret's amaazinnggggg....hire them - hire ALLL of these people!

The amazing John of Caalo Xan for his music - find out more here

And to ALLLLL of my amazing Patreon Supporters who have made this show even possible....a huge thank you for your support. If you would like to help me get (an editor) better at editing, or just help fuel more fun projects, please go to my
Quirky Voices Patreon
or
 Quirky Voices Ko-fi
and you can check out more fun coming up on QuirkyVoices@weebly.com

PART TWO....OUT VVVVV SOON....

TRANSCRIPT FOR THE SHOW HERE: Enjoy!

Support the show (https://www.patreon.com/QuirkyVoices)

Show Notes Transcript

Hello!

Have you gazed up at the moon today and thought...wow...fifty years ago today, men trod upon its very surface and stole a bit to bring back here, planted a flag and had a little jump about, did some experiments and....existed? Yup? I have. Maybe not the stealing bit...borrowed...yeah...borrowed, But of course - it was a much more major machievement mby mankind than my flippancy. I find them...truly inspiring. I mean. Did you SEE the tin can rocket ship wrapped in gold foil they did it in??!!

I wanted to do something to celebrate this major anniversary, and set up a QUIRKY VOICES monologue competition to find...some moonologues....yes...moonologues inspired by this majorly exciting anniversary.

And here we are - part one

The first

Of three.

Now, I'm going to say it here there and everywhere. I am...principally a professional voice actor...and teacher...and sound editing is something I am very new to in the grand scheme of things so..,y'know....some levels will be allll over the place. Please forgive my vertical leaning curve. I also do not own an extensive sound library of amazing effects so did a lot of experiments with sound things on my DAW....(that's what I edited it on) But, THE CONTENT ohhhh the content IS WONDEROUS...BECAUSE....BECAUSE OF THE AMAAAAZINGGGG TALENT that has written and performed these wonderful moonologues. And I also had fun myself on the way too.

Massive thanks to TANJA MILOJEVIC who quite last minute came on board to play...

In this ep, you can hear the following MOONOLOGUES:

Moon by Haydn Davis, narrated by Tanja Milojevic
The Apollo landing Moon franchise that never was by J Christian Ellet and performed by James Oliva
The Fleas By Maya Peace, performed by Mads Upton
Chaika, written by Karin Heimdahl and performed by Angelique Lazarus
Darkness, written and performed by Fiona Thraille

Thanks to Bret Maskill-Watts as narrator - Bret's amaazinnggggg....hire them - hire ALLL of these people!

The amazing John of Caalo Xan for his music - find out more here

And to ALLLLL of my amazing Patreon Supporters who have made this show even possible....a huge thank you for your support. If you would like to help me get (an editor) better at editing, or just help fuel more fun projects, please go to my
Quirky Voices Patreon
or
 Quirky Voices Ko-fi
and you can check out more fun coming up on QuirkyVoices@weebly.com

PART TWO....OUT VVVVV SOON....

TRANSCRIPT FOR THE SHOW HERE: Enjoy!

Support the show (https://www.patreon.com/QuirkyVoices)

Sarah Intro:

Hello and welcome to the Moonologue Sessions by Quirky Voices. We're excited to share with you today some monologues inspired by the moon landings of 50 years ago today, and none of this program would be possible without the amazing Patreons for Quirky Voices. So Alma, Artists Soapbox, Audioblivious Productions, Cheyenne Bramwell, Christine, Hazel, Karim, Karen, Kirstie, Matthew, Michael, Paul, and William. This is for you. For you, are legend. Enjoy. Oh, and this awesome music is by Carlo Xan - enjoy!

Narrator - Bret:

Welcome to The Moonologue Sessions,, an outer spiral arm of sharing winning audio monologues from those who entered and won their words a place.... On a rocket ship to the moon. Oh the moon! The moon. Such beauty, such craters. Some say it drives us crazy, but some of us were crazy to begin with. Sure. I'm your narrator, Bret. Pleasure to meet you. Anyway...To the rocket ship! We join our intrepid heroines Tanya and Sarah having a bit of chat, and eating chocolate bravely...Oh, so bravely! They're on their way to the moon for some well earned rest, and peace from the lawnmowers and traffic in general. And hubbub. Having built their rocket ship out of old tech and audio plugins and mic stands and pop shields, and with the rockets, every movement fuelled by the speaking of words, they must speak or else use the speech of others to realize their dream of becoming...

Tanja and Sarah:

THE FIRST FEMALES ON THE MOONY LUNAR SURFACE, EVVERRRRRR!

Sarah:

L oony surface more like (Snorks). Brett. Brett... You have got an awesome n arrator v oice. Do you know that?

Bret:

Oh, thank you very much. Bye.

Sarah:

He mooned me! Cheek!. Well, cheeks...Bye.

Tanja:

Byyyyye! Screen off. You’re a terrible flirt Sarah . Just sayin‘...

Sarah:

Thank you! Yeah, I think I might put that on my CV.

Tanja:

Oh my God.

Sarah:

It's not flirting. It's just being nice. Yeah.

Tanja:

Uh huh. Yep . So here we are, Sarah , you and me - orbiting the earth, fuelled by 14 slices of moon writings written to celebrate the moon landings that happened...50 years ago today. Wow. How old were you then?

Sarah:

Hahaaa, yeah, I was but a - a twinkle in my ma and pa’s eye thank you very much. Although um...My husband's 50 this year... Too, yeah, October, so so, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY MAYAN! (Sings badly) A-happy birthday to you...

Tanja:

No, no, don't sing Sarah .

Sarah:

(Muffled as Tanja puts her hand over Sarah’s mouth) I’ve got my...But I’ve got my ukelele.

Tanja:

Great. More fuel!

Sarah:

No dont throw it in the... Ahhh. Your hand...your hand, tasted like , like... Cheesy cookies.

Tanja:

Nice.

Sarah:

I should , um , I should text him if I'm going to be away for a few days before we, before we lose the signal.

Tanja:

Who?

Sarah:

I forgot.

Tanja:

Sarah , you're much more Drunk Helen in real life than I thought you were .

Sarah:

I thangyaw!

Tanja:

It's a compliment. Don't worry.

Sarah:

I would drink to that, but ...you wont open the bar yet...

Tanja:

....not till we're closer! We need to name it first anyway.

Sarah:

Okay. Well I named this bar....

Tanja:

You named t his bar...space b ar?

Sarah:

Yesssss...

Tanja:

Oh my God! Not sure I'm going to last three days with you like this!

Sarah:

Oh c’mon! We’ll have a lovely time! Uhm, We, we‘re slowing down. You need some fuel. I. I think you should read the first one ...get the fuel Really burning with the - the first Moonologue of Joy!

:

Me?

Sarah:

Yeah! Well, Who else am I going to ask?

Tanja:

Nabu.

Nabu:

WOOF!

Tanja:

The boo bear !

Sarah:

Your dog?

Nabu:

Bark. bark!

Sarah:

No. He's lovely...but I... I can't believe you bought him. I mean where's he going to do a p-

:

How’s about my mascot? Mister Twinkletoes? Hello, Mr Twinkletoes. H mm.

TWINKLETOES:

(CREEPY VOICE) Hallo Tanja! How can I help you?

Tanja:

Byyyy not saying another word for the moment because you are... Quite creepy and I don't know why I actually brought you.

Speaker 6:

No, no, he's , he's very creepy, Tanya .

MR TWINKLETOES:

Thank you. I like being creepy. I get more creepy...if I am.....ignored.

Sarah:

Yeah. I suppose we could ask him to...? Actually no,no...just put him away somewhere. Strange staring eyes on the h airy robot thing. Did you really have h im in your cot when you were little and just... Just staring and... hairy and...

Tanja:

A-ha...

MR TWINKLETOES:

Uh , I...give The best...cuddles...

Sarah:

Oh my God, that's...creepy. Okay. Twinkletoes...shh! But um, Yeah. Tanja, you go on. You start before uhm, before we lose the light completely to... To venture onnnn to....the dark side of the moon!

Tanja :

I love that album. Okay. Well, here goes Somethin‘! Moon...by Haydn Davis....narrated by Tanya Milojevic. I walk along a long, lonely, dark alleyway. My senses are alive. I'm a little bit scared - Two attacks in my past flitter across my mind like phantoms. W as that a n oise behind me? I spin around. Nothing. No one. Just the dark....dead...silent night. I return to my journey. I l ook to the sky. Dark clouds - barely discernible from the starless dark sky - float across my view, making me feel a pang of vertigo. I look straight ahead, shaking off the feelings of dread and...sickness. Up ahead, I suddenly see a gleam of light...a narrow silvery beam cutting across the alleyway about 100 yards ahead, illuminating the rough ground. Part of the bare, rotting fence on one side, and tangled undergrowth on the other. The monochrome view that greets me - all be it a welcome change from the cloying dark - is never-the-less... Unsettling...and I hear my breath catch in the back of my throat. My pace s lows... as my heart rate quickens noticeably, and once again I look behind me. This time...this time a shadow of a figure is barely visible in the distance. No more than a slightly darker part of the surrounding view. T here i s no doubt that someone is there... Following me. Suddenly, the luminescence that was confined to a single ray envelops me, and I look up to see a gigantic full moon above me. It seems to have banished the clouds that once obscured it, and itsS cold light flows over me. I look back to the shadow of the figure following me, and with a Deep, Gutteral, Volpine growl, start t o r un towards it. RAAAAAAA

Sarah:

Woahwoahwoah get off me you werewolf wannabe! Actually, if you don't mind me saying...you do need...a.. shave.

Tanja:

Charming!

Sarah:

Yes I am!

MR TWINKLETOES:

No you’re not!

Sarah:

Woahhh! I thought you put ‘ im away....

Tanja:

Did you know you’ve got one long hair coming out of your chin?

Speaker 6:

Yeah. ‘ Course!. It's for ...good luck. Yeah. You'll get one when you're my age. You never know when you might need a long hair hmm hmm? So.... Ow! Twinkletoes pulled out my hair!

Tanja:

Gross! God, that's long.

Sarah:

How did you do that? So creepy robot. Wow. Yeah. That is long though. It's ...a...bit weird. Um, changing the hairy subject. Do ya think, the moon landings ever happened?

Tanja :

I don't know . I mean, the stuff we saw on TV.... Really kind of leads me to believe that it's true. But ....why haven't we advanced since then? Why aren't we going to Mars? And you know, and I don't mean Rover. I mean like.... Why aren't people settling on a different planet by now? But... I don't know. I mean it was pretty realistic and money didn't go into it, I guess....not enough money since the space race. So like, I mean, that could be why. I don't know . I guess my short answer is ...I don't really know. I hope so.

Sarah:

Well see, I found this groovy monologue from, from James Powell, the infamous American screenwriter . He -you know, the fella? Anyways, have a listen to this!

James Oliva:

The Apollo moon landing franchise that never was. My name is James Pell, and I am the uncredited screenwriter for the 1969 summer blockbuster.... The moon landing. People talk about Stanley Kubrick's brilliant vision. Like.... I didn't write out the step by step instructions. (Laughs) Oh, well, you know, he did manage to find some ways to put his ...y’know...personal stamp on it. The script , uh, my script called for a shot of a , uh , still unmoving American flag. But you know , Kubrick thought the imagery of a blowing flag would make for a much more ‘pro American Apple pie shot’ as he called it. So that's how we ended up with that uh...ridiculousness! Oh...‘one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind’. Remember that little gem? Yeah. Well, All me! Well uh, that's a , it's not entirely true. I will say that Neil Armstrong and I worked together on ....crafting his famous line. But if I am truly being honest with myself and ....with you, then I should probably admit that I did about.....I'll say , uh , 85% of the work and Neil’s...., 10%. Amember of craft services came up with the a one giant leap bit, so, y ou k now, t hey, they, they get about, we'll say 5%. Before that we were a , you know, considering a, ‘a hop, skip and jump for mankind’ or a, a ‘bunny hop for all of humankind‘ or something. U h, I really felt that we uh should feature the word ‘hop‘, cause at the time, the public was uh, really latching o nto the zeitgeists of, u h, of all the songs i n popular culture that had featured the word hop or had a bunny in it. U m, and at the time when we were first conceptualizing it, we were awfully close to Easter, u h, for our release date, and I thought maybe we would make it in time. So putting an Easter bunny reference in there would have probably been ideal. I, I've grown to accept it and, u h , a ppreciate it for what it is, u h , r egardless of it s, u h....banality. Uh , t hen Neil f****ed up his lines anyway, you know, u h , t he, the, the man was at w as a ...was a terrible, terrible, improviser, but you kn ow w hat they say about actors and astronauts? Oh, it's, u h , i t's ....pretty funny....what they say. Oh, well, u m , y ou know, u h , s o , so, so once I, u h , I , you know, I turned in the final draft, I, I lost, you know, ALL creative control over the project, which is, you know, cry me a river, cause that's the story of every amazing screenwriter. You know, a man in black, u h , i n a black suit, u h , g ave me a cheque for $35,000, and then drove away in a black Cadillac, which at the time- $35,000 - I was ...over the moon, so to speak. Uh! Oh, well, you know, right away I, I went and, and bought myself a black suit and a Buick. I, u h , c ouldn't afford a Cadillac yet, but, but it was coming soon. I could feel it. At the time I thought I'd finally made it. I envisioned the moon lending as an Epic trilogy. Eventually we'd be able to spin it off into an entire cinematic universe, a shared universe, if you will. I already started writing a s e quel. Se e, Ne il i s a d e bt a nd buzz along with an overwhelmed rookie astronaut for a partner is forced to travel back to the moon in 1971 to find out why, why, what you ask? Ha! That's what everyone else was asking at the time. But the third was going to be something... Bigger, something to do with lunar land rights an d c olonial disputes. I wanted to get into the politics of colonization and stuff like that. Important things of the time. But I hadn't written it out yet. I just, I didn't want to get ahead of myself, but, u h , I had a lot of notes. I watched in awe on July 20, 1969 - not at the television screen, but... At all the faces enraptured by ...our ...art. Noone watching the moon landing that night would ever....be the same again. Pleased with our opening night success. I sat back and I waited for their call. I ...I just stared at the phone... I would sit there at my recliner with a whiskey in hand, a...cigarette pressed between my lips, just squeezing the life out of it with it waiting. I planned to play a little ha rdball d uring negotiations. The first film was a hit and that meant I had some leverage now. Wasn’t about to squander the opportunity, but,...but, that call never came. The studio decided to hire a new team of writers and proceeded to churn out five - count them - five sub par sequels in three years. Apollo 12, Apollo 14, and Apollo 17 were MAJOR flops, and largely ignored by the general public. By 1973 it was clear that the American people were bored with the moon, and the plug was officially pulled on the moon landing franchise. The ruined it. We cou ld've ha d it ....all cou ld ha v e ha d it all. Recently, I've heard the Space Force rumours, and with what they're planning to do now, they know.... It's goi ng to ta ke a REAL creative genius to pull it off. Y’know. If my phone rings, (Laughs) if my ...country needs me ...again. Yeah. Yeah. I will....I’ll answer that call. God bless America! PEACE.

SFX TRANSITION:

MUSIC FADES OUT

Tanja :

Well, that's food for thought. Could Space Force be real? I wonder if they have cool uniforms .

Sarah:

I'd love to be in Space Force... Like .....vocally, not, not actually. Probably be a bit ....sick. I mean, I haven't done many ...space things lately... Voiced I mean... Bit of Girl in space, Marsfall, Astral Queen...

Tanja:

Hm! I've done a few. Marsfall, Vast, Edict Zero... Star Trek Outpost. So wait, why are we going to the moon again?

Sarah:

We....are going to the moon to be the first all female -

Tanja:

...and Twinkletoes....

MR TWINKLETOES:

....and Twinkletoes.....

Sarah:

Ohmygodwheredidhecomefrom? And...Twinkletoes.

Nabu:

WOOF!

Tanja:

Boo bear! And Nabu!

Sarah:

Ok, the first All female, and Twinkletoes toes and Nabu..

Tanja:

....and your freshly plucked. Inhumanly long lucky chin hair.....

Sarah:

...Aannnd My freshly plucked inhumanly long, lucky chin hair rocket mission to land on the moon, Innit. Yeah. Yes . This is a sharing of, of a live recording of people's winning monologues sent to Quirky Voices, and performed all the way up here innnn spaaaaace. Yeah . No effect there, no? Then beamed across this wondrous universe... For literature, for Art, for....adventuuuure. And um, hello if you're listenin....

Tanja:

Hiiiiii.

Sarah:

It’s me, S arah.

Tanja:

Hello!

Sarah:

And thats...Tanya. So yeah, listener , um, probably just, just, my mum and dad , um, if you go outside, and and and take a look up from, from wherever you are - but don't let that front door close on you again, cause you know the problems that caused last time - So just go on out. Out you go right now! Go on. We can wait a bit., can’‘t we Tanya?

Tanja:

A bit...

Sarah:

So go outside, even if it's like 4:00 AM and just, just try not to wake everyone though, a nd, and you go out and look up, and you might just spot us, orbiting the planet, and doing thousands of miles per hour above your heads and just, just breathe in the earth’s air, stop. And, a nd and properly look. Okay. Just, just take a moment to take in the vast sky of stars. More vast in numbers t han any brain could ever properly understand. Pinpricks of light travelling light years to your eyes, while...while I'm talking about it to your ears - s’amazing! And...whilst you’re there, just, just have a little wonder.. L ike I am now, as I...stare out of our make s hift r ocket window down on earth a nd, and beyond. A nd wonder... I s there, is there anyone staring back at us ...other than OHMYGOD? TWINKLETOES GET OUTTA MY FACE!

MR TWINKLETOES:

Sorry.

Sarah:

Is there uhm....SorrywherewasI? Is t here u m, is there anyone ...staring back at us, hmm? Other than a....(exasperated noise) ...a.... Dog doing a poo!

Nabu:

WOOF WOOF WOOF.

Sarah:

Tanja....can You seriously try to stop him doing that...theres no air in....I'm trying to concentrate on being wistful and, and contemplate our existence in this universe. And all you...Oh my god. It’s floating! It's floating!....Whats aaa...aaahoooaaaa.....

Tanja :

Nabu! Good boy!

Nabu:

WOOF.

:

Oh my God, that’s where the house key went...

Sarah:

Aarrghhh (Wretches).

Nabu:

BARK.

Tanja:

I was looking for that for weeks...

Sarah:

(Wretches).

Tanja:

...couldn't get in ...for a couple of days. I have a...

:

Where you g onna wash that? Uh, please put that p oo bag in The fuel system...it stinks in here now. Aaah! Actually, why has no one i nvented stenchlless poo, a nd soundless planes? Hm? And Don’t get me started on lawnmowers... Anyways, where was I? Hah! Yes. Wistful wistful wistful.... A nd, and, and us, me and Tanya, Twinkletoes, Nabu and, a nd my one ridiculously freakishly long chin hair. Well, if you look up, you might see us... We‘re like a - a blue f lash s peeding across t he s ky, c ause we're going...so Fast. See, we've just fired up the combustion fuel injection word-in conglomeraters!

Tanja:

The...the, the...the what?

Sarah:

The combustion fuel injection word-in conglomoraters! Yes. It..it’s w here our words go in ...just in here...

Tanja:

... Into that microphone?

Sarah:

Aha. And they , they push fuel out to , to power the engines back there, next to the emergency lawn mower and toaster power... Behind us ...somewhere...there.

Tanja :

How does it do that? Words...power rockets?

Sarah:

Aha. Um , pffffff.....science?

Tanja:

Science? That's all you got?!

Sarah:

Yeah, yeah I mean, i sn't that amazing? We’re - we’re orbiting earth cruising, and increasing speed by the power of voice as fuel at the moment, as...we speak, BECAUSE...we speak ....I mean... Sound fuelled rocket ships...GENIUS!. Yes. I knew v oice a cting would come in handy for something. Ah. (Pause) Where are we over now, Tanya?

Tanja :

Um, seriously, you're asking me to look out the window, Sarah?

Sarah:

Oh yeah . Yeah. Sorry. It was... I forgot. ‘Cause you‘re so...but.... You can see some things can‘t you, I mean it's not ...complete blindness, is it?

Tanja :

Nnnooooooo.....Not complete blindness. Just enough to get me into trouble.

Sarah:

You, are always trouble pal . (Laughs)

Tanja :

Hey, can I use a telescope? I might be able to see something with that...? Or a...a microscope...maybe. No, that wouldn't work. I can see blackness out there and space. So, that means there's nothing there. No obstacles, which means I can pilot this thing! Let's do it!

Sarah:

Yeah, let's do it. Alright, orrrr... Okay. Welllllll.

MR TWINKLETOES:

You could ask me....Twinkletoesssss.

Sarah:

ArrghhArgh! Will You STOP floating up on me! No, I don't don’t want to ask you. Thank you. GoOverThere. (Clears throat) Um, we could maybe ask, Nabu... does he communicate in...in Barks?

Nabu:

BARK! WOOF! BARK!

Sarah:

Oh....You‘re soon to be...the first dog to be ...walking on the moon....

Tanja:

Who is my luvly wittle guide dog?

Sarah:

SNEEZES. oh god. SNEEZES.

Tanja:

Who is? Oh! Nabu!

Nabu:

BARK WOOF BARK BARK.

Sarah:

Sneezes.

Nabu:

BARK

Tanja:

Lovely little guide dog.

Sarah:

SNEEZES. Oh. I....didn't tell you I was allergic did I? To dogs?

Tanja:

...Only a few thousand times.

Sarah:

...Well at least my voice stayed the same this time. Did you hear that episode of We Fix Space Junk where I was...

Tanja :

...Season two, episode seven. Yep .

Sarah:

SNEEZES.

Tanja:

Hiccup. Change voice..fun!

Speaker 6:

Oh , he's scratching there again. He hasn't. Um, he hasn't brought fleas with him has he....?

Speaker 7:

Sarah . Don't be crazy. You were scratching there too.

:

Yeah but, That's eczema though, isnit...’s different. I'm sorry Nabu. I know you are a gorgeous little fellow arent you, yes you’re a a lovly litle doggie...yesyouare. Oh yeah, he’s scratching again. SNEEZES. Ugh. Oh, that reminds me. We had this with this brilliant winning script from Maya Peace, aged nine from England. Do you want to hear it?

Tanja:

Maya Peace?

Sarah:

Yeah.

Tanja:

What a beautiful name!

Sarah:

..To protect the innocent. Oh, this is a great one. You'll love it. SNEEZES.

MADISON UPTON:

The fleas by nine-year- old Maya Peace, narrated by Mads Upton . Sunday, the 19th of November, 1969. Dear diary, today the fleas dressed from head to toe in blinding white pajamas, with a metal cylindrical foreign object - I prefer to name them CFO‘s - strapped to them, landed on me again, leaving a small crater on my body. I was scared... Of what they would do next, and indeed, tried to shake them off, but not to any avail. Instead, I was orbiting earth where they originated from, whilst acting terrified. They tortured me, setting up a pointy and sharp stick with paper on the end. It had embroidered red and white stripes on it, but a quarter was with white stars, with a deep blue background, and so it made me think of my beloved home in space... uh...being invaded by these strange people. They also thought I was a place for them to live on - their rocky bed. I t was horrible! Listening to them loudly snoring. I have negative feelings about the scenario. I am...in pain... The fleas think I am inhabited by aliens, which... may be true. They are unbelievably annoying - I a m not to be used as a sleeping bag, and I a m just fed up with them coming here once every couple of years. They have disrupted my somewhat peaceful life, in which I am perfectly content without constant interruptions for six months straight. Next time I 'll b ring out my c annons. T here'll be sure to do fatal damage to the internal organs of the fleas. Not to mention the oxygen tanks of those fairly big needles they ride.... In comparison to me.

Tanja :

Ah, the moon has feelings! Cool....

Sarah:

According to Ms Peace, Yes.... Because.... Speaking of which , um ...ahhh....Oh my foot's gone to sleep. I think I need a little walk on it once we‘ve listen to the next Moonologue. That's right.

Tanja:

Moonologue? Love that. Nice!

Sarah:

Yeah. I think it was coined by Karen Heimdahl, Who, who.. Incidentally...wrote this next piece...fun times! Right! I'm, I'm off for a walk...or a...float...floaty Walk.

Tanja:

For all of three foot that way?

Sarah:

Yep.

Tanja:

You've got two feet already.

Sarah:

Yep. Three foot this way is uh , another woman's 4,000, 700 million plus infinity mile journey the other way I guess hmm? Yeah. Can you um? Can you play them the thingy? If it's loud enough....it might wake up my foot.

Tanja :

Well, of course. Here you go folks. This is a moon monologue by Karen Heindel. Valan is a woman of color, and a specialist, a mining engineer. She's in her mid thirties. This scene takes place in a mining base, located at the South pole of the moon, sometime in the late 2070s. Ooh, will we still be alive then? (Pause) Sarah? (Pause) Sarah? (Pause) Oh, she's gone.

MR TWINKLETOES:

....She’s behind youuuuu....

Speaker 6:

OHMYGOD he’s so sinister. How is he a child's toy? And yes, yes . I am behind you and yes, I hope to be alive in the 2070s. Yes , I am aiming to get to telegram from my King one day.

Tanja:

Elvis is dead.

Sarah:

Yes....I mean the future.... Future King of England.

Tanja :

Oh, yes. A telegram. How quaint. Won’t that be lovely?!

Lazarus:

’Chaika’, by Karen Heimdahl... Narrated by Angelique Lazarus

Angelique:

Today.... I watched my daughter skip along the Murray cognitive.... Braids jumping inside her space suit. I watched her skipping by the sea of knowledge, knowing so much, and yet, so little. She is so strong and sure and brave and trusting. I want to protect her from all the dangers of the world and, make her life easy and fun and safe, but, I know that I cannot. She turned and looked at me, just for a second. Mischief glinting in her brown eyes, before she started running in zigzags, creating tracks, Lunar dust slowly swirling up around her. I could hear her laughter through the comm . She ran up to me, and I lifted her up, and swung her around like I used to do when she was three. I might've struggled a little doing that now back on earth, but moon gravity means I'll probably still be able to do it...when she's 18! I was the first woman on the moon. I took my first step here on August 27, 2069, and I never left. One small step for womankind, Right? Though there was no broadcast, no media attention, no pithy well-chosen words. 100 years after Neil Armstrong planted his flag, and here was I, just an engineer, sent to man - to woman, In fact- a one person mining base. (Pause) Everyone lost interest in the moon, once Mars became a viable option, with the successful Mars mission in 2024. (Speaking to unheard daughter) What was that, sweetie ? (Pause) Yes, go out and play if you want, just stay in the protected zone. (Pause) No, mommy has to finish this. (Pause) Yes, you go! Don't forget to pee before you get into your suit! Love you too sweetheart. (Pause) I am so lucky to have her. I never thought I wanted a kid, and for a long time I was so happy on my own, but ...it was written into my contract with Co smo Corp t hat as I was away on an indefinite mission during my reproductive years, I could ‘request sperm if I wished to procreate’Procreate’. And I thought about it more and more ...about bringing up a kid in this place ....about if I would be any good at this parenting thing.... About if I could stand NOT trying. (Pause) In the end I realized I couldn't ....stand it that is. So, I requested some sperm (Giggles), and in t he next supply crate there were five vi als f rom five different men. No clue who they are, or ...were, I suppose. (Sigh) I got pregnant on the third try. I was fortunate to have a pretty uncomplicated pregnancy. I only realized after I actually got pregnant and did some proper research, how dangerous even normal pregnancies are, and what absolute lunacy - pun definitely intended - It was to even consider being pregnant and give birth all on my own. Of course the contract was not drawn up by someone with a uterus, let alone someone who had actually given birth. So what di d t hey know? (Pause) It was ...horrible...but! We both survived, and she was such a happy and easy baby. Good thing because I still had to do my job. Mining on the moon is fairly automated tho ugh, s o it worked out all right. I remember reading about the first women astronauts and how they got these ridiculous questions about how they were supposedly abandoning their husbands and children, and if they weren't afraid they would get ‘hysterical‘ -Hate that word - and not be able to control their emotions once in space. I guess some things change but ....plus ca changes.... Right? And now, I have been debating whether I should send this out into the void. I should send something ...and it might as well be this, I suppose. I am hoping it reaches someone... Hoping it reaches the Mars colony really, but.. If not ...just someone....anyone. Earth is ...silent. It has been 182 days since our final supply cra te, an d 164 days since our last communication with earth. What I see from here is ...terrifying. I think there was a nuclear war... In th e end. From what I could piece together. The global governance of Tel us br oke down, and the various factions descended into all out war... In a matter of weeks. (Sighs) There must be survivors, right? They're probably in bunkers hiding out until it's safe to go to the surface. Yeah, that must be it. (Pause) We're okay. We can manage with the greenhouse and th e animals. The supply cra tes we r e mo stly for things like medicine and clothes and entertainment and mining equipment. And I have a stockpile of medicine and clothing that should last us at least 10 years if we're careful. Entertainment we can do without...mining equipment is redundant now - of course. Why min e for titanium when no one's there to buy it? I have better things to do with my time. But it would be nice to know... To know we're not alone...to know there is a possibility we could meet someone else at some point. So, if you hear this, let us know. All rig ht? Thanks. I. (Sighs) Chaika... Wait right there. I'm coming out to play.

Sarah:

Oh, I love these mommy / daughter stories. I mean, just look, I mean, just look at the earth from here. Hm? Think about, all those people...just like, you know, from 24 when they put all the - the different pictures of things and then imagine like , loads of those and ...ahhhh...it's mind blowing, isn't it? No, no borders, no segregation of...vegetation. It's just , just one big old bluesy, Whitey greeny browny gorgeous world... Like , Oh, it's beautiful, isn't it?

Tanja:

Mmm... Beautiful.

MR TWINKLETOES:

It’s...quite nice.

Sarah:

OhmyGod. How could you even see? You’re a ..Youre a... a Toy robot! Is this thing actually alive?

Tanja:

No.

MR TWINKLETOES:

Yesssss.

Sarah:

Freaky. (Collects herself). Oh, did you see the ’Earth from space‘ episodes by the BBC? T hat's amazing. Seriously. I mean it's nearly as good as this view, except..’cept I can‘t zoom in and see iccle baby elephants....splashing in the mud...

SFX PHONE RINGS:

SCOTTISH PODCAST THEME AS RINGTONE

Sarah:

Um , ‘ ang on...um... My phone’s ringing. Sorry.

Tanja:

...You can still get a signal?

:

Yeah! Yeah That's weird, cause we’re right over a black spot in the South of England where I never get a signal. Oh look... it’s Fiona. Helloooo?

FIONA THRAILLE:

(ON PHONE) Sarah! Hello?

Sarah:

Helleauuuuu!

FIONA THRAILLE:

(ON PHONE) Um...I thought we were meant to meet in the pub for our planning session?

Tanja:

Who is it?

FIONA THRAILLE:

Are you on your way...or?

Sarah:

Uhhh...ah.. Bum .

Tanja:

Who is it?

Sarah:

ItsIt’s...Fiona Thraille o f of Dashing Onions. I was meant t o, to meet her for a...

Tanja :

Helloo Fionaaaa? How you doin?

FIONA THRAILLE:

(ON PHONE) Helloooo Tanjajajajajajajjaaaaa....

Sarah:

So, Sorry Fiona..I'm going to be late.

FIONA THRAILLE:

Well by how long? I can get a later train.

Sarah:

Um, hang on. (WHISPERING) T anya. Tanya, Tanya, Tanya. How long does it take to get to the moon? Have a quick l ie down and a c hill, maybe a game o’ tennis, jump off some Hills, bury some treasure a nd, and maybe Twinkletoes here, and then, and then get back home?

MR TWINKLETOES:

I’d bury you first.

Sarah:

I don’t doubt it.

Tanja:

Probably like ...six to eight days....because it's like 340,000 miles or more...

Sarah:

Mmm. Ah. Yes. (TO PHONE) So, Fiona, Yes.....About.... I'll be about....six days.

FIONA THRAILLE:

(ON PHONE) What? You wouldn't be here for six days?!!!

Sarah:

Yes. Well because I've just got to travel 348,000 miles and then back to the....

FIONA THRAILLE:

Oh, I can't wait that long. I've got to pick my daughter up in two hours. Um, Sarah...where exactly are you and Tanya ...and Twinkletoes?

Sarah:

Um, sorry how did you know Twinkletoes was here?

FIONA THRAILLE:

Oh, I sense his dark presence...

MR TWINKLETOES:

Ah! Fionaaaaa! Lonng time no speak.

FIONA THRAILLE:

No. Probably for the best.

Sarah:

Yeah...He's weird, isn't he ? Um , well you, you , you’re never going to believe this, but we were on our way to the mooohoohoooonnnn!

FIONA THRAILLE:

That's exciting. The real moon?

Sarah:

Yeah of course. Is there another one?

FIONA THRAILLE:

I'm not at Liberty to say . So. How on earth did you swing that one ?

Sarah:

Oh... Long story. And David Ault helped... With his astrophysics. He helped us create the ship and , and well, the rest was sheer tenacity and, and really stupid experiments with solder irons. Um, actually...um whilst you’re here.... do want to perform a monologue for us? Um , ‘cause words, they fuel the rocket you see. And well, you speak so beautifully.

FIONA THRAILLE:

Oh..um...Sure. What's it called, and who's it by?

Sarah:

Well , the next one's called darkness by .....Oh. Oh, that's , that's handy.

FIONA THRAILLE:

Oh, exciting. Here we go. Are you sitting comfortably?

MR TWINKLETOES:

It’s hard ...to sit in space Fiona.

Sarah:

Ignore him.

Tanja:

Ignnore him.

Sarah:

Yep

Nabu:

BARK

FIONA THRAILLE:

Oh! You have a dog?!

Sarah:

That's not my dog .

Tanja:

It's Nabu.

Nabu:

WOOF, BARK BARK, BARK BARK!

Tanja:

Yeah, he wants to hear your story. Don't you Boy?

FIONA THRAILLE:

(ON PHONE) Marvellous. Then I’ll begin. (ECHOING IN AUDITORIUM) Darkness by Fiona Thraille. Narrated by ...Fiona Thraille. My people. What I have to say to you today, it's not an easy speech. It's not a speech about how well our economy's doing. It's not a speech about our creation of 2000 new jobs last week. I've already told you all about that. No, this is a hard speech, because it is personal to me. Even leaders like me who were once children -whatever the press might say- children who grew up reading about world history; children who grew up reading about humanity's achievements - who were inspired by the incredible scientific breakthroughs that preceded our lives on this planet. For me, one of the greatest accomplishments of the existence of the human race, was us reaching the moon. I 'm a bit too young to have seen it h appen live on TV, but, like pretty much all of you. I saw that very famous footage - the first steps on that dusty surface of our n ighttime friend. In that moment, I remember... The sense of excitement I felt ...if we could walk on the moon, well, we could reach anywhere. Have you seen that rocket they went up in? Those brave astronauts?If we could put something together like that in the 1960s then what can we do now? And that's why this is so hard to tell you all the truth, but you need to know it. You deserve to know it so that you can act upon it. (PAUSE) The moon landings never happened. Not because there were no moon landings, but because ...there is ..no ...moon. I appreciate that you're wondering about the sanity of your p resident right now, and believe me, I would prefer for me to be insane...than for this to be the truth. But truth,It is, and you deserve to hear it. For many years now, this country's top scientists have been concerned by the movements of the moon. I t's constant nocturnal presence above our country's streets. But now, using cutting edge analysis, those top scientists ha ve f ound the moon to be...the most sophisticated artificial construction of espionage we have ever known. An all-seeing, self illuminating recording device, scouring our co untry, when you and I are in our beds, unaware of this aggressive surveillance. We are still awaiting official verification of its origins. So I call on you all now not to jump to conclusions about our neighbors and fellow citizens. You understand, this involves fake news on an unprecedented level. Our en emies literally rewriting the history books,‘ to include mentions of this ‘planetary body‘ to make us feel as if it has always been with us - as if it has deep roots in our poetry, in our art, in our silence. So please, my people. I impl ore you , be patient with us...while we finalize our conclusions, and trust in us, that this will be met with the absolute full force of our defensive services. In the meantime, for your protection, we are instating marti al law ...with immediate effect. There will be a Countrywide curfew - 20 minutes before dusk every evening until sunrise. My dear people. I know that the vast, vast majority of you will be glad to cooperate in this. I promise you, that we will deal with this as fast as possible and, unless you're a spy trying to make contact with your people via the moon s yste ms, this will not affect your life at all. To hasten this process even more, My people, I'd like us all to look around us. Are there people we might know who appear to follow patterns of the moon surveillance? Someone in your street who goes on ‘business trips’ each month...perhaps...even a family member....who claims to mysteriously bleed in the same Moonphase every month? Once again, this is not aimed at the vast majority of us all. There are a tiny minority of moon agents walking among us. They....are the few. We...are the many and we ...will ...crush them. We WILL make our country safe once more, but...it will take us coming together to seek out those who threatened our privacy, who pry in to our very souls.... With their fake so-called ‘Moonlight’. I ask you to trust me ...like I trust you.....and in return, I promise you, that I will bring our country back to the natural calm nights. The natural darkness that is our ancestors. Bring back our night! Bring back our darkness!

Sarah:

Woahhhh... Is That real ?

Tanja:

Love that! You should be a President Fiona!

FIONA THRAILLE:

President? Ooohhhh..powerful...

Tanja:

Seriously, you're a natural!

MR TWINKLETOES:

She’d ruin...everything!

Sarah:

Oh...

FIONA THRAILLE:

Hmmmm....President of a very tiny planet, Maybe. I‘d love that! I promise to do only nice things and obviously not abuse my power in any way, or invade places or.....

Speaker 17:

(FUZZY SIGNAL UNDER) ...or do anything...bad....

Sarah:

Oh, we’re losing the signal...

MR TWINKLETOES:

I CUT HER OFF....

Sarah DEEPVOICE:

This is the end of part one of three of the Moonologue sessions. Join us next time for part two. Thank you to Tanya Milojevic for accompanying Sarah Golding on this perilous mission, and thank you to our winning monologues in this episode. Moon by Haydn Davis, narrated by Tanja Milojevic. The Moon franchise that never was by J Christian Ellet, and performed by James Oliva. Fleas by Maya Peace, narrated by Madison Upton. Chaika by Karen Heimdahl, narrated by Angelique Lazarus. Darkness, written and narrated by Fiona Thraille. Thank you to our narrator Bret Maskill-Watts, and thank you to Caalo Xan for their beautiful music You are listening to right now. And huge thanks again to all of the Quirky Voices Patreon supporters... Who honestly encouraged and made this happen. Check out QuirkyVoices@weebly.com for more information about upcoming Quirky fun. Tune i n... F or t he next exciting episode....Coming soon! Huzzahs for the moon! And all who have stood u pon i t. Happy listening, happy adventuring... And goodbye. For now.