If you're listening to this in real time, it's the beginning of December and we are on the final run in to the winter holidays. And I've had a ton of clients and workshops this month. It's been amazing. So had lots of new individual clients, both PhD students and academics, and done a bunch of workshops, including my supervisor workshops, which went really well. And one of the things that has really stuck out to me is how many people needed to hear the same things. So my clients come for a whole variety of different reasons. My workshops are on a whole variety of different topics, but often I spot themes that kind of run through the things that people are experiencing. And I think particularly in this run up to the winter break, where we've got two, three weeks left before the break, we just start seeing a lot of patterns. And so this week I'm going to be talking about five things that I think you need to hear right now, based on everything that I've seen with the rest of my clients this month.

Hi everyone and welcome to episode 12 of season 2 of the PhD Life Coach. This is going to be one of those fun ones where I give you just a bunch of unrelated tips. So I did one last Christmas, if you haven't found it, please check it out, which was 10 things that I learned from Stardew Valley, the computer game that I'm still playing, worryingly addicted to. I also did one at the end of the sort of summer term. So in the run, in fact, it was one of my last ones before I finished for my wedding and long summer break, where it was seven things I've learned this year. And that's actually one of my most listened to episodes. If you haven't checked it out, then do. They're completely unrelated to each other. There was no particular pattern to the things I was talking about. It was just reflections I've had from the year. And it seems to have resonated with people a lot.

So this is going to be another one like that. And as I say, this has really come out of listening to all my different clients and noticing patterns in what they're experiencing.

So today we have five things that I think you are likely to need to hear right now. And the first one is it's not just you that's finding this hard. One of the most common things I see causing issues with clients is when they believe that the fact they're finding things difficult at the moment means something about them.

So these are people who are doing their PhDs, working in academia, senior leaders. I work up to a really high level. And lots of people are feeling like they've got too much to do, that they're not getting things done, that they're not producing work to the quality that they want it to, they're not even being the colleague they want to be because they're kind of rushing around and not able to do things to help other people as much as they want to.

And then they're finishing the night feeling exhausted, feeling like they haven't done half the things on their to do list that they intended to do, and beating themselves up. for it. And what I see is a lot of people making the fact that they're finding it difficult mean that they're not good enough to be in academia. That they will never get a permanent job, or that they will never get promoted, or they will never get recognized as much as their colleagues. That maybe they should be doing something else. That other people can't possibly find it as difficult as you.

And I'm here to tell you that that's just not true. It's tough out there at the moment. And virtually everyone is finding it difficult. For different reasons, admittedly. And different people in different situations have things that make it harder for them or easier for them. But everyone's finding it hard.

This doesn't mean anything about you, it doesn't mean anything about your abilities, and it definitely doesn't mean anything about your prospects. And the reason that's so important is partly because we can stop making it mean something about us, thinking that this is something specific to us and we're like weirdly incompetent or weirdly fragile. But it also means that we can keep a little eye on that perfectionist side of ourselves, you know, the bit of you that's telling you that you have to do it really well, and you have to do it on time, and you have to do everything to the best of your ability, and you simply don't have time. It helps to know that other people aren't doing it brilliantly either.

I remember once missing a deadline. There was some admin deadline. I can't remember what, some form or other that I had to fill in. And I, I hadn't done it and I felt really bad about it. And I submitted it to the office staff like two days late or something like that with a hugely apologetic email about, you know, I'm sorry, I held you up, you know, all this stuff's been going on, da, da, da, and they came back and were like, firstly, we don't mind when you're late because you're always nice to us and apologize, so, you know, we cope, but secondly, we only five other people in the department have actually submitted it anyway, so you're way ahead of most people.

And I've had the same with submitting book chapters as well, where I've written a big, grovelly message asking for a week's extension because I can't possibly get it done by the deadline, and the editors responded with oh, I've given somebody else six months, so take as long as you need. But I'm like, what? Okay, I can just ask. 

So remember, other people are finding it hard. Other people are not living up to the standards to which you're trying to hold yourself. It's okay. Yes, we can try and do the super important things well, but let's just try and get some of the other stuff done. And worry a bit less about whether it's perfect. No one else is doing everything perfectly. No one else has got an empty to do list. No one else feels on top. It's fine. I remember I used to say, I don't need to have my head above the the surface anymore. I just need a good snorkel.

And whilst I don't think I even really knew what I meant by a good snorkel, it was that, I think looking back, it was that idea that you don't have to panic about not being on top. No one's ever on top during the academic year. It's fine. But if we have a snorkel, if we look after ourselves, if we remind ourselves that this is entirely normal, then we can actually tootle along slightly behind for a really long time without having to feel terrible. So that's my first thing that I think you need to hear. 

My second is that you don't have to do all the things on your list. And, plot twist, you're not going to do all the things on your to do list. Every single one of us has made a to do list, around this time of year for things that we're going to get done before we break up for Christmas. And every single year, we've said we have to do all the things. And as we get closer and closer to the deadline, we've taken things off it because we're like there's no way I'm going to get that done. That's going to have to wait till January. But we usually don't admit it until the very last minute that it's not going to happen and it will have to wait. 

And we admit it in a way where we criticize ourselves a lot for it and feel really bad about it. And when we sometimes maybe even make it worse for other people because we don't give them a heads up in advance that we're not going to be able to do this thing and we maybe need some more time.

So I want you to look at your list. Look at the ridiculously cutely over optimistic list you've made. I know you have, we all have, this ridiculously cute, overexcited list of all the things you're going to finish before the holidays, or during the holidays, even worse. We'll talk about that one another day.

All these things we're going to finish, just look at it now, take a few off it. I want you to find at least two things that you can throw into January, and I want you to find at least two things that you can just decide you're not doing. And I want you to find at least two things that you can just smash out quickly.

I can't remember whether I've ever said this on a podcast before, but with a client I used to work with, we laughed a lot at the idea you don't have to correct the fonts in a form. So you know those stupid word forms that all universities have for quality assurance or whatever it is, and they're just the most badly designed things you've ever seen.

And every time you write in it, the fonts change. If the fonts don't work, don't correct them. Just write your stuff in them. It's fine. The fonts are somebody else's problem. We spend so much time trying to make something look tidy because we want to do it properly. Just put your stuff in the form and hand it in.

If they can't give us a form that works properly, then that's on them, not us. Sorry, university people, but it's true. It's true. Decide what things you're just going to get done. Have you got modules review to do? Have a ponder. You know, it's important to reflect on our teaching. Take 10 minutes. Write down a few useful points. It is better done than sitting on your to do list stressing you out. So, two things to throw forward, two things to just not do, and two things that you can just do badly. 

Do you owe anyone feedback? If you owe them feedback, how can you give them quick and dirty feedback now, rather than detailed feedback in two weeks? Because trust me, if you're a supervisor, I coach your students, I coach students like your students and trust me they almost always would rather get some quick feedback about whether they're roughly on the right line so they can keep moving and stop imagining what it is that the supervisor's thinking and why they haven't been back in touch, than to wait and have really really detailed feedback later.

Have that conversation, see what might be useful to keep them moving in the meantime. Students, if you're waiting for feedback, please, please, please remember the context that your supervisors are working in. There's a ton of other stuff you can do. Let's not use our time making up stories about why the supervisor hasn't replied yet because your work was that terrible. Let's just assume your work was probably fine and they're drowning. So speak to them, see if there's quick advice you can get, but also focus on your own stuff and things that are in our control. That's not one of my five. That's a little sneaky extra for PhD students.

Number three is a soppy one. But I think it's an important one to remember, which is that someone out there is doing something now that they love because of you. So any of you that teach, there are people who appreciate you in a way that you will probably never understand. The thing that. used to really surprise me when I was a lecturer was which students thanked me for things.

So I would get emails from people like at the end of the academic year or the module or whatever, thanking me for the module. And sometimes it was from the people I expected. Sometimes it was from people who were really engaged and did all the extra stuff. And so I knew them quite well and things. And that was always nice.

I love hearing from those students, but the ones that always used to really touch me were when I got an email from somebody where I was a bit like, don't remember who you are, especially in a big lecture. It's really hard to know all your students and things, but I can remember a few specific occasions where I got messages from people saying what a difference my teaching had made and how they were going to do this thing in their career now because of loving the module things and I had no idea. No idea that I'd had an impact on these students because they were the quiet ones that just got on and did their thing and you don't always know the impact that you're having. Somebody out there is grateful to you. Somebody is glad that you've done the things you've done. Someone is where they are because of you.

PhD students, this is true of you too. You might not be involved in teaching, it might be a lower level, but I bet you've done outreach, or I bet you've been involved in an open day. When I look back, and I think of the number of open days I worked, and the number of people who came to those open days, talked to me, and then for a whole variety of reasons, I'm not saying because of me, but talked to me and then for a variety of reasons came to my university.

And they had the undergrad experience they had partly because of those interactions that we had at Open Day. Any of you who have been ambassadors on Open Days and done the tours and all those sorts of things. It makes a huge difference. You are having impact that you probably don't even see. And it's so important to remember that when you're drowning in tasks and feeling like nothing's going well, you've changed people's lives. That's what I'm saying. You have changed people's lives.

Tip four, you can find something boring and do it anyway. I had a really wonderful workshop with my membership students from the University of Birmingham where I have the ongoing membership program, where they have access to two sessions a week of group coaching. We had a session about doing jobs that are boring.

And one of the things that was really interesting was that everybody believed that in order to do tasks that are boring, you have to make them less boring. And yes, there's things we can do to do that. We can, we can do body doubling where we work with somebody else. We can put nice music on, get a hot drink, you know, light a candle.

One of my students has got a writing candle that she only burns when she's writing now. And now the scent puts her like in writing mode, which I just love as an idea. So we can make it pleasant. We can do things to make it slightly less boring. But, I know this sounds, this was revolutionary to me. Some of you might be just going, this is not revolutionary. But I'm going with it because it was, the students loved it when we talked about it. Which is, something can be boring and you can choose to do it anyway. 

So on this podcast, I often talk about our inner voice and how we talk to ourselves. And one of the ways that we try and encourage people to talk to themselves is a more compassionate way. So sort of avoiding falling into those kinds of self critical voices that we often hear and thinking in a more compassionate way, but as we get further through this process, you can generate different types of thoughts that help you. And I am a big fan of very pragmatic, slightly bossy women. They're my favourite people. I love them. Hopefully I am one, who knows? But I love having those people in my life. 

And so one of the things that I do is, as well as having a kind of compassionate It's okay, I understand that you're finding this hard, that kind of voice. I have that kind of compassionate, understanding voice, because I really need that.

But, I also have a slightly pragmatic, bossy voice, that I really find useful. And, for me, it sounds something like Why did you expect to be able to do a job without doing anything boring? Come on, chop chop, let's go. That kind of just, well, yeah, obviously, you need to do something boring. Why don't we just do it?

That kind of voice, not a, oh, you shouldn't find it boring, not a kind of you get on with it, you'll say lazy, critical voice. Just a very pragmatic, well, yes, obviously. Should we do it anyway? Let's go, kind of voice. And I'd really encourage you to explore that sort of voice. Ask yourself, are you willing to do something boring in order to get this done?

The other thing that my students found really useful this week was the notion that it's a lot more boring to faff about not doing a task and constantly see it on your to do list over and over and over and over again than it is just to do the task. So ask yourself, how boring is it to do this task versus how boring is it knowing I haven't done it, worrying about whether someone's going to tell me off about it and trying to gee myself up to do it and then deciding not to after all.

Okay, you can have boring tasks and you can do them without making them any more interesting. We can just get them done. So consider me the bossy, pragmatic woman telling you that right now. And forgive me.

My final one. We're back to soppy again. My final one is that what you do matters. There is nothing I love more than the very beginning of my workshops, where I always get my PhD students, my supervisors, to tell me what they do. What specifically they research. I don't want to know that you're a geography student.

I want to know what you're researching. So whatever topic, whatever discipline you're in, I want to know the specific thing you're researching. And I love it because I just hear all this incredible, fascinating research that is happening all over the world. I was going to say the country, but I do talks internationally now as well.

So I hear all this incredible work. So PhD students, you're doing such important, interesting research that has an impact on the world or is just interesting and kind of for the betterment of the human soul or whatever it is, whether it's got pragmatic application or not. It's such interesting and important work.

Lecturers, professors, you're doing research, you're doing teaching, you're doing administration, you are keeping these institutions running at a time that is really challenging for so many people. You are looking after these students, you're giving them transformative experiences while doing your own research. You're all doing stuff that matters. 

When we get bogged down in the there's too many things to do, I can't possibly do them all and feeling overburdened by everything. It's really easy to lose sight of how important what we're doing is. And I don't say that to encourage you to overwork. Okay, I don't say that to encourage you to burn yourself out desperately trying to do this thing because it's so important. That's not why I tell you. 

I'm telling you because it's so important you recognize how important your work is and how important it is that you can sustainably contribute to that work. Because your work isn't going to be important just from now till Christmas. Your work is important from now in the future for years and decades. We need you to look after yourselves. We need you to be able to continue to do this important stuff. So please try and remember you matter, what you do matters, and you can look after yourself in this challenging period.

I really hope those five things are useful. So a rundown. It's not just you that's finding it hard. Don't make it mean anything that you're finding it hard. It doesn't. Everyone's finding it hard right now. Second one, you don't have to do all the things. Go delete some things from your to do list. And really query when you get a thought in your brain that tells you no, no, no, but I actually do. Vikki doesn't know. She hasn't seen my list. I really do have to do them all. Really query the thoughts you're having that are making you think that. Because it's not true. Because you're not going to do them all. Because there's too many. You told me there's too many. Okay? You're not going to. So what we get to do is we get to decide which ones we put down, rather than reaching the end of term and just seeing which ones fall off the edges. Okay, decide mindfully now. 

Third one, someone out there is doing what they're doing because of you. You have had impact on far more people than you think. Don't forget that. Fourth one, you can do boring things. They don't have to make them interesting. You can just crack on, get them done. They're gone. Don't have to be bored anymore. Just get on with it. You'll be fine. And the final one, what you do matters. You're part of a bigger picture.

Thank you so much for listening. We are going to have a bunch of podcasts about looking after yourself in the run up to Christmas and all of that.

Final thing though. If, especially if you're new to the podcast, but even if you are one of my diehards, who's been here since the beginning, I want to send you back to this time last year, because I have an episode called how to avoid the end of year panic, listen to it now, super useful. I have an episode that was episode seven, by the way, episode 11 is how to rest over the holiday period.

Definitely make sure you check that one out. PhD students, one specially for you, episode nine, How to Cope with Annoying Comments at Christmas. This is for everybody who gets asked, Oh, are you going to finish yet? When are you going to get a proper job? Oh, does it take a long time to write it? Any of those things.

Academics, probably relevant for you too. My Nana used to ask me every single holiday if I was enjoying having a month off because the students weren't there. Never quite understood that I kind of still have work to do. So check that one out for sure. If you're starting to think about reviewing this year and setting goals for next year, which you absolutely should be, please do check out episode 10.

It was my first guest episode with the amazing Professor Jenn Cumming. It takes you through a whole bunch of questions that will allow you to review your year in a strengths based way. So instead of looking at what we didn't do, it looks at what we did well, how we brought our strengths to it, and how we can take those strengths into the next year. 

Definitely look at that one. I've already mentioned the 10 lessons I learned in Stardew. Check that out. And then I will remind you again nearer the time, but there is also one, episode 12, with um, the wonderful Dr. Karin Nordin about how to set New Year's resolutions. So go for some nice crispy winter walks, stick your headphones in, listen to these podcasts and look after yourself in the run up to the break.

Thank you so much and see you next week.

Thank you for listening to the PhD Life Coach podcast. If you liked this episode, please tell your friends, your colleagues, and your universities. I'd appreciate it if you took the time to like, leave a review, give me stars, stickers, and all that general approval as well. If you'd like to find out more about working with me, either for yourself or for people at your university, please check out my website at thephdlifecoach.

com. You can also sign up to hear more about my free group coaching sessions for PhD students and academics. See you next time.