80: Burnout Bounceback Part 2 | The slow climb out

Part 2 of the burnout bounce back series is here, and we are chatting about the slow crawl out of burnout 

No magical fix, no huge life-changing breakthrough, just lots of tiny things that actually helped me start feeling human again. I talk about why my nervous system was absolutely cooked and the little shifts that helped (like less screen time, tiny walks, better routines, more connection, and being way kinder to myself instead of trying to fix everything overnight)

If you’ve ever been burnt out and then also overwhelmed by the idea of "recovering" from burnout... same. This one’s for you

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

G'day guys and welcome to Holly the OT Podcast. My name is Holly, and I am an occupational therapist looking to create a judgment-free zone for all OT students, new grads, and early year therapists. Join me as I give my honest opinions on the highs and the lows and the ins and the outs of being an OT. Before I start today's episode, I'd like to acknowledge the Larakia people who are the traditional custodians of the land. This episode was recorded. G'day guys, welcome back to another ep of Holly the OT. Thanks for tuning in. Today's ep is part two of my Burnout Bounce Pack series. I just want to absolutely say, anyone who messaged after last episode, thank you so much. I find it hard to do episodes like that where I guess you're sharing a bit of vulnerability, you're sharing a bit of the non-glamorous side of what you typically post. And to know that actually it was quite sad, like a lot so many people experiencing the same things. Um, but knowing that it had been helpful for some people or sort of put a voice to some people's thoughts, like that made me feel feel really great, which was so lovely. So I always am just so appreciative when anyone messages me and reaches out, like knowing that people go out of their way to do that is just so lovely. So thank you, thank you, thank you. Um, but today's ep is like the second part of that. So last episode was everything I sort of noticed in the build-up to my burnout and a few things I thought contributed to it. And then this is like the the slow getting out of it and things I tried that didn't work, things I definitely um know worked, and yeah, just a few little things I noticed along the way as well. But before we get into that, the most important update I have ever given you that between the last episode, I became a wife. New occupation unlocked, wife. And let me tell you, I love it. I love being a wife. Um, I got married literally a month ago already, which is crazy. Um, but it was just the most special, special time of my life. I'm not even gonna say special day because in true me fashion, it was a whole thing. It was basically a whole week. Um, we got married in Foster in New South Wales. So if you're not familiar with New South Wales, Foster's about, I think it's like almost two hours north of Newcastle, which is where Kane and I met. Um, and it's honestly where we will probably end up one day. We're in um Darwin at the moment, but yeah, it's probably where we will call home long term, which is not something I talk about often because what is home long term? Who knows when I'll ever stop moving around? But yes, so that is um where we got married. It was at a beautiful little town called Tiona. It was at a caravan park, which sounds way less glamorous than what it was, because let me tell you, this is the fanciest caravan park ever. But our ceremony, our reception was all on site. All pretty much all of our friends and family stayed on site. We had people that had traveled from every single state except for Tasmania. Sorry, Tassie. Um, we tried really hard to make a Tassie friend, but we didn't quite get there on time. But yes, because so many people had to travel to be there, having somewhere where everyone could stay was just so important. But then it literally just meant we had a whole week of all of our favourite people. Obviously, we had the wedding day, which was just so special, but like the before the wedding and the after the wedding, it was just like exhausting, don't get me wrong. Um, we would die it afterwards, but having so much quality time with people who we do not get to see because we travel so much is just, I don't think it will ever be topped. Like generally the happiest moment of my life. So that was so exciting. And then obviously I've come back to work, and then things have been going so great, but this was sort of the time where I knew I really needed to put in the work to make sure I didn't get back to where I was. So I actually think it's really good timing that I'm recording this episode now because you know, the come down from a wedding, you've got the happiest time of your life, and then you're just like back into the day today. And I knew that that was going to be make or break in terms of I could absolutely overload myself to sort of fill the void of no longer being planning for a wedding, or I could be really intentional and really slow and really like ease myself back into things, which I think I've done fabulously. But before we get into the app, I also just want to quickly say, um, and any of my fellow Darwin and T OTs listening will know that we have some pretty epic, epic's not the right word, but like epically crazy weather at the moment up here in the NT. Um, there is crazy flooding. There is just the the rain has just been non-stop. Um, Catherine, which is one of the communities I visit, has been cut off for almost a week now. The river is just, yeah, it it comes down and then as of this morning it's gone back up. And um, you know, Bachelor and Adelaide River, my other communities, they are also now experiencing flooding as well. So yeah, it's just a really um chessing time for NT at the moment. I know a lot of people who have lost a lot um, you know, of their personal belongings and their businesses, and uh yeah, it's just really, really heartbreaking. Obviously, you know, support is there for them when it's available, but it doesn't, you know, hide the fact that that's really a a devastating thing to go through. So anyone who was impacted by the floods, I'm thinking of you. It also has just shown how like disconnected the NT is from the rest of Australia. I put up a thing on my close friend story on Instagram. Like this has been happening for almost a week now. Um, but I put a photo off of my close friends of like the supermarkets. Like we have no food here at the moment because the trucks can't get through and the trains can't get through. So in coals, there is no meat, no fruit, no veg. Um, which is like it is what it is. You just sort of make do. And I remember when I lived out in Lightning Ridge in Outback, New South Wales, this would happen, you know, semi-regularly as well. The um Castle Ray Highway would get cut off and yeah, you'd you'd go a couple of days without food. But this has been, it's pretty significant for a capital city to not have food. Anyway, I put something up on my close friend story, and all my friends were like, oh my god, like what is happening? Like, what is going on? And I was like, what do you mean that you know people on the East Coast aren't being shown this on the news and don't know what is happening? Then I realized I don't really watch the news anyway, so it's probably not um, it's not completely not being shown, but yeah, it was just so funny. I feel like if something like that was happening in Sydney or Melbourne, which obviously that would it would never happen logistically, but it would just be the absolute end of the world. So it's always so funny. We're just so in our own little world up here in the NT, and you know, we've all got each other, but the rest of Australia probably doesn't realize how how crazy it is. But anyway, that's a um diversion. I am thinking of anyone who's been affected, any businesses, any families, anything. And yeah, we will be down there helping with the cleanup as soon as the highway is open. But enough about that. Let's get into the episode now. If you are listening to anything I suggest, you know it's not gonna work for you, you know, it's not your experience, like just remember that's that's your experience. Um and I don't mean that in like a don't listen to what I'm saying, but just be mindful that you know you might listen to something that I said worked for me, and then you go and try that and you're like, oh, it didn't work for me, and you, you know, you get that frustration. Um, and that's that's not what I want. I just want to share my story. If something helps you, please absolutely go for it. But just be kind to yourself. I think if you are in the thick of things at the moment, it's very easy to have these spurts of energy and go and listen to any self-help thing you can find or any other story, like, and then try to latch onto anything that you can, and then you end up, you know, exerting energy doing things that might not be helpful for you. I it's like that vicious cycle. So please take what I say with a grain of salt. Um, you know, use your judgment, use what's gonna work for you. I'm so happy to be a sounding board, I'm so happy to offer ideas, but I I just want to share what's worked for me, and I don't want you to feel any pressure to do anything. Which also makes me sound like I'm about to give you the most groundbreaking advice ever. I'm not either. As I was saying that, I was like, holy, you're not offering anything spectacular. Don't get don't give the people false hope. Um, but anyway, what I do want to start with is just and I was talking to my psych about this the other day, but I find reflecting on things in retrospect quite tricky. Um, so there's probably not going to be any order to this because things will sort of come to me as I go. I've I've made a few notes, but nothing crazy. I never like to to podcast off notes. I feel like it's just too inauthentic, you know? Um, I've also just kicked my absolute big toe on my window if you heard that. So sorry. But even when I was reflecting on this episode, I was trying to remember, you know, like what was my breakthrough moment? What was that that one thing I did that got me out of the rut? And I had to remind myself, like, there wasn't anything. Recovering from burnout, it's not this dramatic big moment. It's those really small steps that you give yourself and those little moments that all build up to anything. Just like working with kids with regulation. You're not going to offer one strategy on one Tuesday afternoon and they spend five minutes in a body sock and hallelujah, everything's fixed. Like it's not, it's not about that at all. I think the biggest thing is you just have to be kind to yourself. Know it's a roller coaster, especially if you're, you know, you're listening to this now and maybe you're on the tail end, maybe you're in the thick of it and you're ready to sort of come out on the other side. I just want to make it so clear like I would have good days and I'd be so on top of things. And then I would fall straight back into the same old habits and not be good. Like it's it was such a cycle. So just keep that in mind as well, that it will go up and it will go down. I think the first thing I had to do to myself was sort of realize what was missing. And again, this wasn't like a big aha moment, but I knew something was wrong. You know, I'd spoken with my partner, I'd spoken with my mom, I'd spoken with my supervisor. I knew things were missing, but it wasn't up to them to tell me, like, hey, you need to go and do this. It almost was like if people were telling me to do that as well, that just icked me out. I wasn't gonna do things that were suggested to me either. Um, but it was, you know, getting getting clear with where I was spending my energy and where I should have been spending my energy. For me, I knew it was that I literally was just in my office at my computer or I was on a screen and there was no break for myself. There was no time off. I was just always thinking, even when I told myself, oh, step away from the computer, like I'd pick up my phone and I'd be scrolling on social media. And I think what I hadn't realized is because my job is I'm an OT, I run a business, but my podcast and my social media is also income for me as well. And now I'm trying to grow two businesses that rely purely on social media, being the book and my clothing label, like social media, which used to be a break for me, which is weird, but you know, it used to be all right, rest time I'm gonna go have a little scroll, became work for me. It became, it became business. I was always on. Even when I thought I was off, even when I thought I was resting, even when I thought I was rewarding myself with with quiet time, my brain was always on. And when I sort of had that realization, I think that I was able to sort of put things in place to get off my phone. A lot of what burnout for me was was guilt and guilt of spending my time doing things that I thought I shouldn't be doing. So, you know, if I was having self-care time in inverted commas, if you could see me, I would feel guilty that I wasn't working. So I'd be scrolling on my phone and then I'd see a really good trend come up, or I'd watch a founder share a really great video that had gone viral sharing their story, and I'd feel guilty that I wasn't doing that. So then I'd open up my notes app and I'd write down, you know, try this idea, do this later. So even when I was trying to switch off, I was still reminding myself of things that I should have been doing and I wasn't doing. And guilt is such a weird thing because, like, who am who's guilty? Who am I, who am I, who do I owe this to? This is all self-driven. It's all from my internal thoughts of what I should have been doing. My biggest thing as well was I would be at my computer for 12 hours a day. And I can't remember if I said this in the last episode. I think I did, but I would be at my computer for 12 hours a day. I reckon only 50% of that time was was valuable work. But when you have so much work to do, actually stepping away from your computer is really hard. And I was almost on edge just like waiting for things to pop up. I'd have my to-do list and I knew what I needed to be doing. But I knew at any point an email would come through, a message would come through, a phone call from a parent, maybe one of my employees' clients are in crisis and I'd want to help them. Like I was just always on edge, waiting, waiting, waiting. So even if I didn't have the energy to be doing work, as in like actually actively doing something, it was almost just like my brain was just flicking, not even my brain, physically me. I was just flicking through, okay, open up the eucalypt email, open up the podcast email, go through that cycle, check the messages, check your phone, has anything come through? And just that constant overdrive of waiting, that final flight, like knowing anything could come through at any moment. And that was just on repeat every single day. Even on the weekends, I would be checking my emails, knowing that something could pop through, being on edge, waiting for it. So I think the moment I realized that, like, you know, my nervous system was shocked. And my nervous system just did not have a second to breathe because I was just constantly on edge. And nothing bad was happening too. I look back now and I think nothing bad happened. And now I go four or five hours without checking my emails and nothing comes through. And even if it does come through, it it's all very manageable. Nothing was ever unmanageable. It was just that being on edge and waiting and knowing that anything could could be added to that list. And I have always had this desire of like, I need to know. Even if I can't get that thing done right now, I need to know that it's needed of me. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone or anyone else's experiences that, but that's why I would constantly check my emails in between sessions, even. Like I know if there's three emails in there that need something from me, I know I do not have the capacity to do anything about that right now, but I needed to know what needed to be done of me. So then I'd be, you know, five minutes between sessions, walking between clients to pick them up, and I'd be like on edge. Oh God, now I've got to do this when I get home, and then your head's half not in it. And it's just, again, it's the vicious, vicious cycle. So that was the main thing for me is realizing that I was on edge. And if we think of that from that nervous system perspective, it wasn't for me so much the overload, I don't think, on reflection. I'm such a wise reflector these days. Um, but it was just that I had forgotten how to come back down. I was just in that constant fight or flight, that, you know, nervous system overdrive. I just could not come down. And I had convinced myself that this heightened state was my calm and was my relax. And then I think I started doing a lot of research into like cortisol and high cortisol and hormones and, you know, the impact of high cortisol on females with ADHD and trying to really understand, which was helpful for me. But then it also became another thing that I was just sort of stuck in a cycle with of instead of doing something about it, I just wanted to learn more about it and almost justify what was happening for me rather than putting in those steps and those changes to sort of get on top of things. So I then also got real with myself again over time, but sort of backwards chained from like, okay, where do I want to be? Um and what is my ideal? Like I've I've been in such really good workflows and I've been really regulated and running my business. Like I know what it looks like and I know it can be done. Um, so I sort of I made the mistake of I did a bit of a map of like what I want my ideal day to look like and how I want to feel at the end of the day. And I just then convinced myself it was like this switch. And I was like, okay, you absolutely have to go and do everything on this list. So I think it was, you know, in my ideal, I'd be going to bed at 8:30. I would wake up at five, I would go and do some exercise, I'd come back and cook myself breakfast, then I'd work for a little bit, then I'd go out and um go for a walk, and then I'd come back and they kept coming back to this really like pitch a perfect Instagram beautiful, look after yourself. This is the beautiful work day that you you want. And might I say, I'm at that point now. Like I have absolutely got that point. But if you go from no self-care, no regulation, no time away from work to then waking up the next day and putting all this pressure on yourself to, okay, you can do it. You can go to the gym, you can go for a run, you can go and socialize, you can do all of these things in one day. Obviously, that's not possible and it's not practical. So what I would find is I'd have these bursts of like realization of what I needed to do to look after myself. And I'd put all my energy into doing that, and none of it was sustainable. So I might do it for two or three days, and I'd get to Thursday and absolutely crash because it's so unrealistic to go from nothing to everything. And then, you know, Thursday'd come around, I'd crash, and then that cycle started again. Then it'll go three or four weeks where I wouldn't do anything again that was looking after myself because I told myself, no, remember you tried that last time and it did the opposite effects and it made you exhausted, made you irritable, and it didn't work. So that's my biggest thing is is once I was a bit kinder to myself and did things really slowly and gently and intentionally rather than expecting myself, who had just been in this period of complete overdrive, expecting myself to be on top of everything perfectly, that's so unrealistic. And I come back to the exercise as well. Like exercise has been such a huge part of my life, my whole life. And I mentioned that in the last episode as well, that for me growing up, it was, you know, team sports and it was the social aspect. And I didn't realize how that actually regulated me and how that was helping my nervous system. Um, but then you know, as I became an adult, I still kept playing sports. Gym was so important for me, running was so important for me. And without sounding like a loser, but for the gym, like I have consistently worked out for a very long time. So I I am strong. Like I can squat heavyweights, I can bench press heavy weights, like I can do heavy weights. So when I finally got the energy to go back to the gym, I think it had been like four months without a workout and also not nourishing my body, not eating well. So obviously I know now, holy, of course, you're not going to be lifting the same weights. But I remember going to the gym and I just did my normal workout. And I started with my normal warm-up weights and it was my favorite leg workout with my favorite exercises. I thought, I was so kind of myself. I thought, go on to your favorite exercises. And then immediately I could not do the weights that I used to be able to do, but in that moment, I couldn't sympathize with myself. And I like from a science perspective, like I know I wasn't able to do it, but I just felt so mad at myself. And so, I guess, like disappointed that I'd let myself get to a point where I wasn't fit anymore. I wasn't healthy. And I think I lasted like 15 minutes at that gym session. I did my warm-up, tried to do my first weights, and I just, I was like, nah. And I remember Kane was away at work at the time and I had told him I was going to the gym because it was a big deal. And then he called me like an hour later. He was like, oh my God, like proud of you. How was it? Like, you know, you go, girl. Like he's so supportive. Bless him. And I just, I like cried. I was like, I couldn't do it. I left after 15 minutes. I felt annoyed at myself. I felt it wasn't the positive effect it was meant to have on me. And God bless Kane, the sweetest angel in the world. I can't remember exactly what he said, but it was along the lines of like, remember last time I didn't go to the gym for three months and I got really annoyed at myself, and you told me you need to go slow, like muscle memory, it will come back, but of course you're not gonna be able to live, like blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. All the things that I knew. But when your reasoning is so impacted, like you can't see clearly, he said, try again tomorrow. Go and do lighter weights and try again tomorrow. And I thought, gosh, that sweet man with these absolutely realistic expectations and me with absolutely unrealistic expectations of myself. And I just had to be more realistic. So I think I didn't think I went back the next day, went back the day after, and I purely just went and did like bodyweight workout. And I felt so good. And then the next day, typically I would then have gone for a run. Like I like to break my wigs up, strength training, running, like all the jazz. And I I woke up and I thought, no, like just go for a 10-minute walk, just walk to the NDV street and walk back. And that's all I did. Could I have walked further? Yeah, absolutely. But it was not what I was trying to do. I just was trying to remake the habits. The distance would come after that, the effort would come after that, but it was about making the habits that didn't exhaust me completely so I could get back into those things. So that was really important. It's just that really slow, gradual back into exercise. Like, I don't care if you've run a half marathon before, if you haven't done any exercise for four months, go for a 1K run. Go for a walk. Like we know, even like saying it out loud now, like I know that I wasn't able to do that, but I just needed to be kinder and go slower. I then needed to find ways that was going to, I guess, get get a bit more routine back into my days. Again, I mentioned in the last episode, but it got to the point where my alarm would be set at 5:30. It'd be the most obnoxious sound in the world. And it would startle me up. I'd go down and make a coffee and I'd just go straight to the computer. And then I'd be at the computer all day. Like if I didn't have clients, I'd be at the computer all day until eight o'clock at night. And then I'd order Uber Eats or dinner. Like it was just not healthy in any way, shape, or form. And then obviously days where I did have clients. I would be out all day. It was just like, it was so unrealistic. So I knew I needed to get back to the point of like proper work hours and proper work, work days and schedules. And this is something that my business coach, Mia, helped me out with a lot as well. Again, nothing like groundbreaking. And Mia, if you listen to this, like you are groundbreaking, but none of that in a in the scheme of things is groundbreaking advice. Like make a schedule and stick to it. But it was just that I needed to get more intentional with my time and actually allocate time to myself because anyone else who is a business owner knows there is always something to do. There will always be something in your business to do, whether that's clinical work, business work, supporting your staff, whatever. And then adding to that, I had my passion projects of trying to launch the book and building a clothing brand and all these things that I knew if I was regulated and organized wasn't impossible to manage them all. But when you're constantly darting between them and not giving anything any intentional time, like things grow slowly, things grow with a lot of effort, like nothing felt easy. So getting a schedule to me was the most important. And just allocating time for self-care, allocating time for rest, allocating time for connection was so helpful. But let me tell you the one thing that absolutely changed my life. And this is so ridiculous. But I bought a sunrise alarm clock. So I'll get into my scheduling, but I bought a sunrise alarm clock. And let me tell you, this changed my life. First of all, I got rid of the obnoxious iPhone sound. And that's a whole nother thing. You know, I didn't need to have my phone near me. So my phone would go up on my um like dresser away from my bed. So when I was getting into bed, I didn't have my phone right there. That's that took a while, but whatever. But I was relying less on my phone. It also meant that my phone was not the first thing I touched when I woke up. So so often my alarm would go off. I'd probably snooze it a couple times. I'd finally get it. I'd pick up my phone and I would either open my emails immediately to see what has happened overnight, what I've missed. Chances are there was nothing. But that was the first thing my brain told me to do. Or I would just open TikTok and start scrolling. So then the first thing my brain was doing was looking at my phone. And we see so much about this, like, don't look at your phone, like reduce screen time. But like when you're stuck in that cycle, it's almost impossible. Anyway, so I bought a sunrise alarm clock. So I had this beautiful birds chirping sound that would wake me up. But the sun rising. So I don't, I'm trying to remember where is dark, where is not dark. Perth is always so light, and I loved that. When I lived in Perth, the sun would wake me up at like 5.30 every day. And that just felt so natural. Low cortisol in the morning, like I wasn't being triggered by an alarm sound. Like the sun woke me up. Whereas in Darwin, at the moment, the sun isn't rising until like 6.45. And like I've always been a morning person, but not when it's dark. Like it's really hard to do stuff when it's dark. So the sunrise alarm clock, it like, so if my alarm is gonna go off at 6, the sun would start rising at 5.30. So then so often I was awake before my alarm was going off, but not in like a, oh my god, I should have slept more, but in like a wow, look at this sleeping beauty who's softly opened her eyes and is feeling good. And it was just so nice. And it's so ridiculous. It's such a trivial item that's made such a difference. But the sunrise alarm clock is my best kept secret. So if you're anywhere where you're waking up and it's dark, get a sunrise alarm clock because that is life-changing. But so that just slowed my mornings down. So I was getting off my phone. I made a really hard and fast rule: no phone for the first part of the morning. So I'd go down, whether I was exercising that morning, even if I was just stretching, or even if I was just going for a walk, I wasn't looking at my phone until I got home. The other side as well told you I'm gonna jump around. God, sorry. But if I was going for a walk, I sleep with my phone at home. I couldn't be trusted. I could not be trusted. I would go on my walk, my brain would think of something, and I'd immediately need to action it, or I'd immediately just need to send myself an email or whatever. I could not be trusted to be with the phone. So I was disconnecting, going for walks without my phone, really slow. It felt really hard at the start. And that's the other thing I'll say. A lot of this stuff is gonna feel hard, but you've got to push through as long as what you're asking yourself to do is realistic. Anyway, back to the sunrise alarm clock and schedule. Um, so once I was waking up slower, you know, I'd have my morning, I'd I'd eat breakfast, cook myself beautiful meals, and that made such a difference. All these things that we know make a difference, but until you're without them and you don't make them a priority, like they they really, really do make a difference. And slowly I was starting to feel my body a little bit better. And my day wasn't perfect yet. My schedule, I still hadn't figured that out. I was still sort of, you know, staying at the computer a little bit longer in the afternoon, but one step at a time. Like I said, this is one brick by brick, everything will slowly fall into place. So I focused on that morning routine first, and everything came after that. I then wanted to start focusing like on my afternoon and trying to get away from the computer. And if I'm so honest with you, the the best thing I did for that was I started playing a sport again. So I joined football. Did I mention this in the last step? God, I should have read the transcript. Sorry, guys, if I'm doubling down. But I I joined a sport. AFL up here in the NT is huge. And I have always loved team sport. So it was a really great way to A bring a bit of social connection back into my life because I had been isolating myself because I didn't have a lot of friends up here yet. I had been making some friends, but when you're in that initial phase of friendship, like you're not telling them, hey, let's go get a coffee. I'm gonna absolutely unload everything that is happening for me. Like it was all very superficial friendships, as they are at the start. Like that's so normal when you're building friendship. But you know, footy gave me social connection, but it also gave me a reason to get away from my computer. So if I had footy training at six, I'd have to leave at 5:30. I had to be finished at my computer at five so I could get changed and have something to eat. Like it gave me a reason to switch off. So then I'd done that a couple of times and then realized, hey, I should be doing this every afternoon. And again, I'll add to that is like business owners know even if you switch off at five, there will be periods where there will be things to do outside of those hours, especially again, considering for me, there's multiple businesses. So I knew, I knew it wasn't, oh, I'm never going to work past five o'clock again. But it was giving myself the opportunity of having an afternoon routine, having some decompression time and allowing myself to work again if I had the capacity, but not forcing it upon myself. Because, you know, I found if I had an afternoon routine, I'd gone and exercised, I'd had a nice dinner, I would have energy to give a really good solid hour into one of my side businesses. Whereas if I was still at my computer, it'd be half-assed, it wouldn't be purposeful, it'd be a waste. And then I'd think, well, why did I bother? And it was just, again, vicious, vicious cycle. So that's a really big piece of advice. Like if you can have something scheduled in, particularly if you work from home, I think I missed the aspect of a clinic. Like you would drive home and that would be your circuit breaker. That would be what would get you out of that work routine most of the time. But when you work from home, even though I have an office, like there was really no circuit breaker for me that meant get off your computer, go downstairs, rejoin the world. And I also found a really big shift, you know, when my my partner Kane, or should I say, my husband, my husband Kane, like when he was home from work versus when he was away, he works Firefox. So there'd be two weeks at a time where I would just be cooped up working. When he's home, it's a little bit different because he will cook dinner, he will say come downstairs, like that made it easier. But yeah, you need to have circuit breakers. So maybe that's booking in a walk with a friend, maybe that's booking in a phone call, maybe that's um booking in a Pilates class, like something that is scheduled in your afternoon that you sort of don't have a choice for. Obviously, there's always choice in everything, but for me, if I had my gym class booked in, the admin of having to like cancel my gym class or message my friend to say not coming was just like not worth the effort. So then I will just go. And then eventually that led to, oh, this was a part of my routine. Now I really can do this. I really can in throughout my workday go and do something for myself in the afternoon and feel okay about it, which is so great. I also am gonna backpedal a little bit too, just on like the food side of things and fueling your body and you know, eating well and food is power, brain is power. What's that? Well, what's the phrase I'm looking for? Food is fuel. That's what I'm looking for. Food is fuel. Um, absolutely. We know this, we know this. And I, as I've sort of alluded to, like my my diet was not great. I think when you're, you know, I never typically ate breakfast in the morning anyway. And then I started a medication that suppressed my appetite significantly. So then it would get to the end of the day and I hadn't really eaten at all. And then I would be starving, ravenous. So then it would be 7:30. I wouldn't want to go to the shop. So then I would just order Uber Eats. And that was the cycle I was in for a very long time. God bless, like I said, when my husband was home, he he would make sure I was fed. And it sounds, I remember feeling like a lot of a sh like shame about that. Like, oh my god, I can't even go down at lunchtime and prepare myself some food. Like my my husband has to actually make food for me to eat. But again, be kind to yourself. Like I was, I was in a very bad cycle. Um, anyway, so I would like to say I'm at a point now where we are eating very, very well. I and I've always eaten well. It was just again, before you know it, those habits are are gone essentially. But I think in in the theme of baby steps and being kind to yourself and slowly working through things, but obviously the goal is to eventually eat balanced food all the time and have a really balanced diet. And, you know, I'm all for treating yourself, I'm all for Uber Eats, but your majority of your diet has to be balanced. And I remember the week where I was like, nah, that's it. I'm eating healthy, I'm done. And I went to the shops and I bought all these ingredients. I I had these meals in my mind, and you know, I was gonna have salads and I was gonna have salmon for dinner every night and eggs every morning, and you know, just eggs, nothing else, because protein, protein, protein. And it got to Tuesday and I was like, this sucks. I'm not happy eating food like this. And then I continued to have Uber Eats for the rest of that week. And then I threw out all this food that I had bought. So it was a waste of money, it was a waste of food, and it was a waste of my energy because I wasn't realistic. So then I really focused on my breakfast. I thought, whatever, like lunch, dinner, snacks, that's okay. I can deal with that. Focus one thing at a time, focus on breakfast. Um, and I was sharing at the start of this year my beautiful breakfast plates, which were I sort of started probably around like October last year. And gosh, what a difference it made. And I still have them probably like three days a week. Again, not every day, because not every day is realistic. But when I really prioritized for my first meal of the day was going to be a good meal, a good, nutritious, balanced meal. I then didn't feel pressure or guilt on myself for every meal after that to be good as well. Obviously, if it was, great. But I knew I'd had a balanced meal in the morning, I knew I'd have enough protein, I knew I had eaten well to start the day, and that was enough to start with. Naturally, that then started, you know, going to making nice dinners and then having leftovers for lunch, which is what I'm doing now. And it's it's good, it makes a difference. And I noticed my energy, I noticed, you know, you know, food is fuel, as as we say. Um, but I was realistic as well. Not at the start, not straight away. I thought I could change everything straight away. But yes, that was something that I wanted to throw in there is focus on one thing first, focus on one meal, and then the rest will come after that. And I think as well, what where I think people get stuck is like eating a balanced diet, exercising, and you know, looking after yourself. When we look at that on paper, like that is what we would consider like a well-functioning adult in adverted commas. But you know, that we don't give ourselves enough credit for actually balancing that and nailing that is actually really hard. Like there's a lot that goes into that. So then when you think, okay, I'm in this rut, I'm not doing any of these things, it's really easy to just go and have a good diet and exercise and look after myself. So I can just do it. You can't. You can't go from nothing to everything. And I feel like I've said that about eight times. This is a chaotic episode. When aren't they? I know you guys love it. Um, but just be really kind. Because what we ask of ourselves is a lot. Um, my next sort of thing I focused on, I'm gonna focus on two more areas, but my next one was connection. Connection for me is so important. And I mentioned in the last episode, but I just would get to the end of the day and I just had no capacity for connection, for phone calls, for reaching out to people. Like that, that felt really draining for me. And especially when it got to the point of where I was like struggling, like I knew my friends and my family would ask, like, hey Holly, how you going? And I just I either didn't want to lie to them, but then didn't have the capacity to tell them how I was really going. And I had I wanted to give this false sense of, oh my god, look at me. I'm doing all these things, I've got all these businesses, and I'm planning a wedding and I'm so great, and I'm going on holidays, and like it was very much like false facade of false facade. I feel like a facade is false. That's a double negative. Anyway, a facade of I've got it all together, and I didn't want to actually admit that I didn't have it together. And I knew by talking to people I would have to admit I didn't have it together. I don't know if that's anyone else's experience that, but I think that definitely got to the point of of why I had disconnected myself from my family and my friends. And I've actually spoken with everyone in my close circle, my close family and and my friends of like, hey, just so you know, the last six months I was struggling. I'm doing so okay now. I've let myself open up, which I'm not an open-uppy person, unless of course it's to a podcast where I'm not actually looking at anyone. Um, but you know, I I let them all know how sort of what was happening. But in the lead up to that, I had to sort of get real with myself of what could I do? How could I connect with people? And social media for me has always been, as someone who's moved around, has always been the perfect way to connect because, you know, you would post an update of what you're doing and it would reach all your friends and family in the one go. So I sort of leapt back into that a little bit and my close friend's Instagram story sort of became like my journal update of telling everyone what I'd been up to. And that was so nice because I was sharing stories and letting people know what was happening, you know, the lead up to the wedding. You know, you'd get that back and forth conversation with your friends and family. And it just felt so nice. And it reminded me how important connection was. And, you know, naturally from then, then I would start calling my friends again. And I God saying this again, I feel a lot of guilt as well because I know I had a lot of friends going through stuff last year, and I wasn't a good friend. Um, but you know, when you surround yourself with people who are understanding and know you, you know, everyone I've spoken to since then has been like, Holly, we can all see how busy you are, we can all see everything you're doing and everything you're building. Like we understand you haven't always got time to pick up the phone. And then, you know, that came with a lot of guilt with, you know, I don't want to ever be so busy that ability to connect with people who I love and people who mean a lot to me. And that was almost like a wake-up call. Okay, I don't want my friends to be excusing my shitty behavior and my shitty friendship skills because they can see that I'm busy. Like that's not what business is for me, that's not what that's not what growth is for me, and that will never be important to me. I think it it took that, those hard combos and it took that like looking myself in the mirror to realize, like, holy, in 10 years' time, if you keep going this way, you keep, you know, not prioritizing connection, like there's gonna be no one left. And I know there'll be some of my friends listening to this and they will just say, holy, that's so ridiculous. But it got to that point where I was really frustrated with myself that I had let myself disconnect from people who were so special to me. So yeah, that's a that was a side tangent of of me basically saying that close friends social media is what got me back into um connection, which is so nice. God, I got some cracking stories in there as well, too. But um, you know, then naturally that that led to voice notes and and back and forth combos and, you know, all my friends are so busy. So we're also forgiving if, you know, you start a combo and then you don't get a reply for a couple of days. But it just meant so much to me to have that connection back. And, you know, I started pairing that with if I was gonna clean the house, I'd I'd put my headphones in and I'd give someone a call. Or if I was going for a walk, I'd have a call. Not all the time. Like I think, you know, sometimes you need peace with yourself and you need to not be always doing something, which is an another side quest I'm gonna go down. But yeah, connection was so important for me, and I'm just so grateful for such patient and understanding friends and family. And I I get emotional when I talk about it too, because I I genuinely have the best friends and family in the world, and they are what got me out of my rut. Which leads me to my final point. And I this might be a two-part because I'm sure I've forgotten things, but I had to get okay with doing. And I remember I was talking to my psych and she was like, What do you do to relax? And I said, Oh, I can't relax. Like, I'm an active relaxer. Like, I I my relaxing is if I'm at the shops or if I am um going for a run or whatever. And I remember her laughing and being like, um, look, at least you're self-aware, that's so great. But like everyone needs to relax. And I just had this constant pressure on myself to do do do. You must always be doing something, and you know, you can't sit still. And yes, that's true to an extent. Like I'm a very hyperactive person and I have a lot of energy, but I think that was because I didn't give myself a chance to relax. And I remember one time I set myself a challenge, and I kept we live in a two-story house. I put both my phones upstairs, left the laptop upstairs, and I said, Holly, you just need to go and sit down on the lounge for 20 minutes and do nothing. And I was, I love a challenge. So me challenging myself, that was probably what kept me going. But I had to sit there and do nothing. And I don't remember it being particularly pleasant, but I don't remember it being impossible either. Obviously, I had a lot of thoughts, my my brain would race in that moment, but I yeah, I was able to do it. And then I realized it's not completely impossible. So that was so fun. Um, but uh yeah, kept trying to find little moments of doing that. Like I said, you know, going for a walk without my phone, that was a big one as well. But slowly just giving myself pockets of of doing nothing to pause, to reset, to notice my my energy levels and notice that I could do nothing, I could relax. And then I got into reading, which I have always told everyone, I am not a reader, I cannot read. I am an audiobook person and I'll listen to it when I'm driving. But I've recently started actually physically reading books and I realized it wasn't like that I couldn't read, I was just reading the wrong books, and you know, it's been so fun. This is a side, a side point, but so fun actually like exploring book genres and you know, not every book has to be a self-help book. I think that was my issue is I if I was rewarding myself with reading time, there had to be benefit to it because I was telling myself, you know, you're you're not worthy of just reading some very smart and and getting on with your daddy. Like it needs to be purposeful, it needs to be intentional in every moment, you need to be right and being better and and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So naturally, I'd pick up a self-help book, I'd read one chapter, and I it'd either trigger me into realizing what I should be doing, or it'd make me realize that I need to be doing other things, and it was just a realization that I didn't want. So allowing myself and rewarding myself with nothing to start with made me realize that I needed nothing. I don't know if that makes sense. I hope it does. It makes sense in my head, but a lot of things make sense in my head. But yes, that that was something really purposeful is resting, actually prioritizing rest and you know, swimming for leisure, not just swimming for fitness or swimming for I'm hot, I need to cool down, like actually going out, sitting in the pool, reading a book, having some food, having a drink, like actually relaxing has been so, so beautiful and so, so nice. I think overall, though, the biggest thing I've learned, and as I've said in this is being kind, taking things slow, looking back now, like very rose-colored glasses, like what I, what I'm doing now and what I know now is very easy said than done. And I know in those moments, it's it's such little things that make such a big difference. And your capacity to do all those little things is so impacted. And I remember like I've always shared about burnout on this podcast, and you know, there's been periods where I've been overwhelmed, and maybe I've shared content that says, just go for a walk and and go and do this and and reflect and blah, blah, blah. And knowing now how I would feel when I saw that stuff as someone who was in the middle of burnout, like it's so much more complicated than that. And it there's so many more levels to that. So, yes, the simple things are what is important, and yes, prioritizing, rest, prioritizing, exercise, prioritizing, eating good. Is the vibe, like that's what we need. But there are so many reasons why you cannot do that in the moment. And I don't want anyone who is in that feeling guilty, feeling like they're failing, feeling like they're not able to do simple things because it is so debilitating and you cannot see a way out. Like you cannot see how it can just be such a simple thing. But yeah, that's what's helped me. I hope it's helpful for you guys. Um, I'd love to hear sort of what little things have helped you guys. Maybe I'll do a bit of a a dump on Insta of all the tools that have helped, but I Oh my god, I just forgot my most helpful thing. Alexa. Oh my Alexa's just turned on. Um, this is a side note. I got those Alexa speakers where you can speak to them and like Alexa, set an alarm or Alexa, um, remind me to do this or send me an email. That has been life-changing. Again, just getting off my phone. I needed the circuit breakers to get off my phone, and my Alexa got me off my phone. And I love my phone, I love social media, I love everything it's given me, but reducing my screen time has been so good for me, my mind, my body, my soul, all the things. So that is another side note, similar to the sunrise alarm clock, is get some sort of Alexa tool that you can speak to and remind yourself of things without having to open up a loop of being on your phone. Anyway, I'm actually done now. Thank you for listening, guys. Thank you for tuning in. I'm sorry for the scatteredness, but I'm also not at the same time because I think it's hopefully realistic. I'll never try and give perfect polished episodes because I'm not a perfect polished gal. Anyway, got fun episodes coming. I promise I'll actually record them and post them. But I appreciate you listening if you've gotten this far. Thank you. Um, I appreciate you, and I hope that you have a beautiful week, whatever you're doing. Like I said at the start, we'd leave everyone faced by the floods and hope and everybody gets back to all those end of it so soon. But thanks for being here. Thanks for tuning in, and I'll talk to you guys so soon. Goodbye.