Is It Still The Dream? (S3 E2)

What do we do when we realize our dreams don’t match our reality? And not in a good way. In a way that lets us down. A way that disappoints us. Leaves us wanting?

We’re diving into it in this episode and discussing how we reconcile our dreams with our current reality.

I would love to hear from YOU! Sound off in the comments: What’s one step you’re taking towards an existing dream or a new one? 

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Music by Alex_MakeMusic from Pixabay

The Loves to Chat Podcast is hosted by Keela Fowler.

Email me at lovestochat@gmail.com 

Transcript

0:06

I love to talk about that. What are we talking about? I'm just gonna be happy about it. I like to watch it like that. When the first movie, The Devil Wears Prada, came out, it was the summer before my senior year of college, and over the years it has become one of my absolute favorite movies. The fashion, the actors, the relatable striving to make a name for yourself. I just loved it. I still love it. And as I've gotten older, I've continued to watch this movie both actively and passively, having it on in the background when cleaning or working or just wanting to hear Meryl Streep read Anne Hathaway for filth. The iconic lines I find myself quoting at random times. Oh, why is no one ready? Florals for spring, groundbreaking. Gird your loins. Oh, they're just so good. That movie is so good. You better believe I was ready when the second one finally came out. My niece and I went on opening night and we had the best time. I'm telling you, you could tell that the theater was packed with lovers of the first movie, ready to celebrate every callback, laugh at every joke, ooh and ah at every beautiful outfit, and gasp when things start to fall apart. I will tell you, I'm not giving any spoilers here. No worries. You can relax, understand that the second movie is for you to discover and explore on your own. I'll just tell you, I'm extremely biased about this movie. I've seen it three times already. I don't want to hear about it. Don't judge me. I absolutely love it. Don't yuck my yum. But something unexpected happened at the end of my second viewing. I got sad. At first it took a moment to realize what I was feeling, but then it started to creep in like a song that's been playing in the background for the last two minutes, and you just realize that you know every lyric. It's been 20 years since the first movie, which means that I'm 20 years older. But wow, my life looks completely different than how I envisioned it while watching the first Devil Wears Prada in 2006. I sat with that feeling for about two weeks and kept turning it over in my head to examine it from different angles. Why do things look so different from how I envisioned them back in 2006? Have I really deviated so far off course? Did I zig when I should have zagged? Things don't look the way I thought they would. It was a quiet but thorough analysis I couldn't quite get away from. In fact, it was a catalyst for returning to the podcast, so yay! But after seeing the movie the third time, something clicked. I was able to finally capture the truth behind the angst I was feeling. They say it outright in the movie. The state of the media industry has drastically changed in the last 20 years. People don't subscribe to magazines the same way. It isn't a must-have for plane travel or road trips. Really think about it. When's the last time you brought a stack of magazines with you to the beach instead of your phone and your Kindle? I used to get an Allure magazine every quarter or so and slowly flip through the pages. I wanted to get the inside scoop on the latest beauty releases, and now I watch a YouTube video. I went to Allure.com and I saw an article titled Seven Best Sunscreens Under Makeup for Smooth Pill-Free Wear, and I thought, I don't need this. Between watching Khaki Reviews Beauty, Alana Davison, and Monica Ravi Conway on YouTube, I'm set on which sunscreens are worth my money. I'm also 20 years smarter in the makeup game, so I'm really set on what sunscreens are going to be pill-free. But it feels like it all happened so fast. The shift, the changing, the like way that the magazine industry doesn't look the same, and so many of our industries don't look the same as they used to. But it wasn't. It was a slow withering away of what and who we viewed as authorities, especially in the beauty space. In all of the spaces really. When I got a job working at Matt Cosmetics, I felt like I had arrived. The people at a MAT counter in the early 2000s were the absolute authority on what was cool, what was fashionable, and how to be a glamoud. Now I mean no offense, but like now I don't want to be bothered. I'm not venturing out to a department store or god forbid the mall. I'll absorb my knowledge on my own time from the comfort of my living room and won't have to talk to anyone. Instead, I'm sold to by influencers. We all are. I don't think to question what beauty editors think. And I thought to myself, wow, what a disappointment if you spent your young your younger years wanting that job. And now you look around and see that you're no longer the authority that you worked so hard to become. Don't worry. It's happened to many of us. It's happening to many of us. We glorify the images of adulthood that we appreciated as kids and young adults. But year after year, there have been advancements, advancements in technology, society shifts, changes of heart, and the result? The reality of what it would look like when we made it is vastly different from what it actually looks like in real time. While watching The Devil Wears Prada 2 for the second time, it struck me that what I thought my future would look like was very different from what my life actually looks like today. And there's various reasons for that. But the one I want to talk with you about today is a result of our dreams and what we thought they would yield in our adulthood. What do we do when we realize our dreams don't match our reality? And not in a good way, in a way that lets us down, a way that disappoints us, that leaves us wanting. The good news is that this isn't a new phenomenon or something specifically happening to our generation. The picture has always been changing. It's just our turn now to face it. I mean, think about that for a moment. Maybe you grew up hoping to be an illustrator and now you're faced with the influx of AI taking over the creative arts. Perhaps you grew up wanting to be a pastor or you found your calling along the way, but you've had to figure out how to live stream your services and face internet comments from strangers. You may have wanted to be a parent, and the constant hustle and bustle, appointments, practices, school events, and fighting amongst siblings you face now has you questioning why it never seemed this hard for your parents. We are all constantly facing these record scratch moments of this isn't what I thought it would look like. This doesn't feel the way I thought it would feel. So let's dig in a little deeper together. First, let's address the lovers of change. Y'all, we love you. But this may be more of a wow, people really feel this way episode than a commiserate with your comrades episode. Why do I say that? Because in my experience, those who love change are quick to adapt to it and handle all of this so well. Now I could be wrong, and please sound off in the comments and let us know. There are several people in my life who appear to ride the waves so beautifully and welcome the change. I think it is not a news flash that I am not one of those people. Listen, I try to be adaptable. I try, but I really like structure, routine, knowing what to expect. The reason that I ask about people's guest lists for parties, not everybody, but like my clothes people, I want to know who's gonna be there because it allows me to feel like I know what to expect. Because otherwise I spend more time than I'm okay with doing dress rehearsals for social engagements. I know I'm not alone, I know everyone isn't the same as me, but if that's not you, maybe this feels a little bit surprising to you. Again, though, I wonder what suggestions or recommendations can you share with the rest of us if you are a change loving, I accept it, and I move and groove with the change of the music type of person. Again, please drop your feedback in the comments or email me at lovestochhat at gmail.com. I will share all of your great feedback with all of us in an upcoming episode. Alright. Feed on grass. Let's settle in. What do we do when the dream and the reality don't match up? I want to start with a reminder. It's not your fault that the dream looks different. It was always going to. It's just that we didn't know that. I think we need to look at this scenario in two different buckets. One, my dream doesn't match the reality, but it's still my dream. And two, my dream doesn't match the reality, and I don't think I want it anymore. Yeah, I said it. So let's start with number one. When your dream doesn't match the reality, but it's still your dream, it requires you to find the good and unexpected surprise in the dream. The dream still holds true. I'll give you an example. I have dreamt about having my own house since I was a little kid. I distinctly remember being in our house in Connecticut, which means it had to have at least been like fifth grade or older, because that's when we moved into my house. And I remember drawing a house with double doors. I always thought a house with double doors was the epitome of cool and grand and like you've made it. However, as I got older and then went into education, I couldn't figure out how in the world I could ever earn and save enough money to buy a house. For those of you who don't know, I used to be a teacher. How would I ever get there? Especially because I would be doing it on my own, which is not the way that I envisioned it at all. I would say it was one income, but if you know anything about teachers, there's never one income. There's always many income streams, but you know what I mean. All of the money that one person can make within the confines of a teaching schedule. So how would I ever get there? The answer will surprise exactly no one who knows me or the Fowlers. My parents. My parents would be how I would get there. Because my dad told me something once that always stuck with me, and I've shared it many times since. There's a lot of different wealth, and we are rich in family. I didn't know exactly what that meant when he first said it, but it made sense to me when he first said it. And it has just proven to be so true. I have an incredibly loving and supportive family who demonstrates their love and support as an action and consistently. My parents told my brother and I, you can always come home. And when my parents were selling our house in Connecticut, I got to see firsthand what that looks like as my grandparents and parents modeled that for us. We stayed with my grandparents for a year, which gave my parents the time and flexibility that they needed to transition out of Connecticut and onto their next chapter. So I literally watched my parents go home to their parents. And it was easy. Out of my career as a teacher was one of the transitions. Out of my current lease of my apartment was a transition. I took my parents up on their offer. And I say their offer because although the timing of it happened after my mom had already passed, I was raised by Kevin and Angie. And so my dad continued to be exactly the parent he's always known, I've always known him to be. Those of my friends who know him have always known him to be. And I shared with him that I wanted to move back home. I wanted to save up my money and buy a house, and I let him know that I expected it to be nine to 12 months. And without missing a beat, we just made the arrangements. And by that, I may, I mean, like I booked the movers and we rearranged furniture in the bedroom that I was moving into, and that was it. It was one of the biggest thrills of my life when I signed the papers to close on my house, and the house was officially mine. I could not believe that it was happening, that it was real, that it wasn't just a dream in my head anymore. I was a homeowner. But it wasn't the way I dreamt it. My mom wasn't there. My fictional husband, I always thought that I'd have by now, wasn't there. In their place was a sadness I never expected to feel. This dream did not match the reality I was experiencing. But wow, was it still a dream come true? It was an absolute dream come true. And so what was I supposed to do? Well, like I said, the antidote here, find the good and the unexpected surprise in the dream. So here was the good. This was happening. Despite it not looking the way I thought it would, I was buying a house. And it was important to not lose sight of that. What else was the good? My family was so happy for me and ready to celebrate. My friends were rooting for me and offering encouragement and support the whole way. And another part of the good, all of the drawings and the Pinterest boards and the daydreams that I had of what I would do when I had my own house was about to come true. Y'all, it was about to go down. I was about to deck this place out to create the home I always wanted. So that was the good. The unexpected surprise? Whoa, what a surprise. The first one. My aunt helped me come up with my non-negotiables and went with me to see houses. I'm certain that my dad or my brother or my sister-in-law would have gladly helped if I asked them. But I felt this unexpected determination to have my aunt's point of view because she bought her house as a single woman. And here I was finding myself in the same position. And I wanted to learn from somebody else who was in the same shoes as me, doing it for themselves. And I'm incredibly grateful that I got to have her wisdom, her perspective, and her support during the process. That was amazing. Another unexpected surprise. My other brother, my brother's best friend, helped me get my finances in order. Being in the mortgage industry, he was able to counsel me in getting my credit together, shopping for a realtor, and when to begin the hunt. I was very stuck before I spoke with him, and he got me started on that process. Another fun, unexpected surprise? My nephew came with me to check out one of the houses. Just a few years later, he was able to buy his house, and it's walking distance from me. Listen, I'm not gonna pretend otherwise. The joy of my life is to be in proximity to my people. And that proximity is absolute gold for someone as obsessed with her family as I am. It's not about being in each other's business and each other's faces all the time. It's just about being able to be spontaneous and impromptu and have visits and see each other and drop something off. It just makes me happy. Last, unexpected surprise. Without a partner that I always thought I would have when buying this house, without them, I could do whatever I wanted with my house. Because it's mine. It's not ours, it's mine. There is zero compromise. And the joy I feel every time I pick a paint color or a window curtain or a table lamp, and I don't have to run it by someone, and instead can get exactly what I want. Unmatched joy. It's so good. So the dream looked different at the time, and it still does. But I often find myself stopping and thinking, oh my gosh, this whole castle is mine. It's comfortable and it's safe and it's cozy and it's what I want it to be. But I don't want to discount the fact that I still get sad sometimes. I think it's worth us being honest with each other. Sometime around middle school, we all stopped being so open about our insecurities and started opening back up, probably around like 34 years old, right? I'm not interested in burying my soul on the internet, but it is about being real and genuine on here. So I do have to say, I've often imagined what it's like, what it would be like to sit at the dining room table and have a coffee with my mom, to go shopping with her for new picture frames, to have our stayover for the weekend in my guest room, and to get to wake up early on a Saturday morning and go get breakfast and then go shopping. Clearly, we like to shop together, to watch our shows together, and yeah, that part is sad. But the dream may not be exactly how I thought it would be, and while that's disappointing, it's still absolutely my dream. Okay. So now that we've covered category one, bucket one, what do we do when the dream falls into the second bucket? When your dream doesn't match the reality, and you don't think you want it anymore? You have to pivot and you have to give yourself permission to dream again. It took me a long time to realize that this could even be a possibility. What do you mean I might not still want this thing that I've spent most of my life saying that I wanted this is where all of us Change averse folks get hung up. I was recently sharing with a friend, which then became sharing with another group of friends a few days later, how hard it is for me to change course when plans are canceled. Because I like to be prepared for things ahead of time. I like to make a plan and see it through. Change? It feels like a virus that has hit my mental computer and now I am malfunctioning trying to adjust. Here are a couple things that make it easier if I accept them right away. One, I will need a transition period to adjust to the change. The sooner I accept that, the better it will be. Two, I need to give myself permission to grieve the end of the dream. Once you've made it through those first two steps, it's time to dream again. But goodness, where does one even start? Why were we so good at dreaming when we were kids? I think it's because we didn't have limitations on what we allowed our imagination to come up with. We were literally wild egg freight. The sky was the limit. How many of you have heard if you can dream it, you can achieve it? We didn't get bogged down in the logistics and the semantics. How will I make that happen? I don't know the right people. I'm not qualified to do that. I don't have a license or a degree. I'm too old to start with the colour. How will I convince my partner of this new plan? What do I know about that? How will we make it work with our current busy schedule? Who will take me seriously? Yikes. Sound familiar? Another fun phrase that I remember from growing up is what would you do if you knew you couldn't fail? That one? That's the one that we need to latch on to here to dream again. What would excite you? What would be fun? What would make you feel proud if you could accomplish it? Throw all of the what-ifs and roadblocks that you'll encounter to the side and just capture the ideas. Figure out what approach is going to work best for you. Are you a verbal processor? Voice notes. Talk your thoughts out. That's a great tool to use. Do you benefit from seeing things visually? Go back to making those Venn diagrams and those webs that we were using for brainstorming back in middle school. Right? Use a Pinterest board, throw together some ideas, or like really kick it old school, go to Michaels, grab some supplies, and create a vision board. Are you more of the straightforward analog type of person? Okay, open a new Google Doc or a Notes app or a notebook and start writing. List, journal, get those ideas out of your head and in front of your eyeballs. And then you have to do something that my dad has told me my whole life that often feels like the scariest part. You have to start walking the path. Because here's the secret. And I know this to be true, but I still have to tell it to myself every single time. When you start walking the path, opportunities will meet you where you are. Doors and windows will open, people will show up to help you. It does not fail. And sometimes what happens as you walk the path is that you might realize you've changed your mind, and that's good information because then you can make another decision. But if you start walking the path and opportunities start opening up and people start helping you to get to the next step and the next step and the next step, look at you, you're doing it. You see, it's not enough to dream. You have to put action behind your dreams. We have to put action behind our dreams. We gotta try some stuff. That's what we used to be really good at when we were kids. We would just try stuff. We'd get out there, we would play and learn and play some more and learn some more. If you wanted to be a hockey player, you probably would beg your parents to sign you up for a team, for lessons, to just get yourself onto skates. If you wanted to be a musician, I'm pretty sure that you suddenly felt like you needed guitar lessons. If you had dreams of being an artist, you were going to live in every art studio that you could get a stool in. Olivia Dean has this great song called Baby Steps on her album, The Art of Loving. It is an absolute no-skits album. You should listen to it. It is amazing. Ugh, don't get me started. But that's exactly what we need to do. We need to take baby steps. But goodness, take steps for crying out loud. Like all of us, we have to take steps. Make the phone call, send the email, set the meeting, sign up for the course. But we have to act because dreams don't occur on their own. We have to work at them. And in this life, in this adulthood, we have to leave space for flexibility to keep adjusting the path along the way. And let the journey and the destination surprise us as we arrive. It might be 20 years since the first Devil Wears Prada premiered, and our lives might look different than what we imagined that they would back then. But with these years, we've also gained wisdom, and we can delight in the dreams that we've made happen. And craft new ones that will surprise us in the next 20 years. So now I ask you, what's one step you're taking towards an existing dream or a new one? Sitting down to capture podcast topics was one of mine. But what about you? Let me know in the comments or email me directly at lovestochhat at gmail.com. Can't wait to hear from you and cheer you on. We've got this. We can do it. Thanks for listening. I will chat with you in the next one. Thank you so much for listening to the Loves to Chat podcast. Make sure you share this with your friends, your family, via social media, or money. Either way, I appreciate you sharing this out, listening every week, and leaving me in your comments. You can listen to Loves to Chat on whatever podcast player you perform, and you can reach out to me at lovetochat at gmail.com. I'll see you in the next one.