Showing up as our true selves (S3 E5)

What is your true self?

How does someone truly get to know us? What do we gain and what’s at risk?

Get ready because we’re diving into it today!

I would love to hear from YOU! Sound off in the comments: Is there a situation or person with whom you can show up more authentically? 

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Music by Alex_MakeMusic from Pixabay

The Loves to Chat Podcast is hosted by Keela Fowler.

Email me at lovestochat@gmail.com 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

My name is Kim Owen, and this is the Loves to Chat Podcast. On the Loves and Chat Podcast, we're gonna be talking about the hopes and dreams we have for little ones as kids, and how we'll turn them out as a dogs. Little wives we come in to bed. There's a lot of unexpected things that happen. Excitement, joy, contention, please, help, hopefully. We're gonna talk about this one of life that we have ourselves, and how we can walk alongside each other a little less of one. What change will be hopefully? What's it saying? How do we live something? What challenges do we face? You're ready to have some company as you go on the grocery run, wash the dishes, commute to work if you still do that. Wherever you find yourself, let's chat. I've really enjoyed making these episodes and getting to chat with you about them, so thank you for listening. I love this. Let's keep it going. Recently, I've been meeting some new people, and it's made me wonder, how often are we seeing a person's true self? How many representations of self do we have, and how many different ones do we cycle through in a day? I don't think that we choose to share every part of ourselves with everyone that we know, and I don't think that that's a bad thing. I think that we should reserve certain parts of ourselves for certain people. But then how does someone truly get to know us? It tends to fall into two main categories. When I'm thinking about interacting with a new person, I am thinking about one, who is this person? And two, who am I with this person? Who am I when I'm in their company? Am I showing up as my true self? There's definitely other subcategories, such as how do they fit in with other people in my life? Do they fit in with other people that I know? Like, could they be in other mixed friend groups? How do I feel about myself when I'm with this person? Is our relationship reciprocal? And just for clarity in this conversation, I'm talking about friendships as much as I'm talking about relationships with our family members, relationships with that may be like romantic, like all of our relationships are on the table in this discussion. But like, what does it mean when the question, am I showing up as my true self, is posed? What is your true self? How does someone truly get to know us? The obvious answers, we spend time together. We make plans, we do things together, right? With experience, this is how you get to know somebody. This is how you identify what are the things that we have in common, what are our shared interests, what are our feelings about this other person? Do they make me laugh? Do we enjoy doing some of the same things? Is it easy to be around them? I think it's helpful when we reflect on the relationships that we have with our siblings and our close friends in this situation. Because those are the people who've seen us through various chapters of life and iterations of ourselves and our most intimate moments. When I think about my deepest relationships and my closest relationships, they are with my sibling and my very close friends, my parents, right? They pick up on the nuances of our personalities and our characteristics, like Lorelai Gilmore and Gilmore girls being able to smell snow. And by the way, as a New Englander, that is totally a thing. Our closest people are able to anticipate when something is going to bring us joy, piss us off, or break our hearts. My brother knows how averse I am to change, but he was also there when I cried in our new house after moving across town the summer before fifth grade. He's witnessed me time and again struggle to adjust and adapt to a new normal. So he knows. He can anticipate, ooh, he's gonna have a hard time with this one. And then show up for me to help me through it. Many of my friends know that I love to be silly and ridiculous, but they've been there for the random I love Lucy chocolate night sleepover, or the college dorm room talent show, or the Madonna album release party, which is coming up this Friday. So get into it. Get excited, it's happening, folks. When you think about the different aspects of yourself that you hold dear, that make up who you are, you can probably also think of examples of when your people have been there to witness or participate in your life and to see those things unfold display and to love you through it. How beautiful is that to be seen and loved. And isn't that what we're looking for? Isn't that the point of connection and community and living this life together? I think it's an important intimacy that's built over time and experience. But at the beginning, yeah, at the beginning, it can feel a little awkward sometimes. Making friends as an adult is really funny because you tend to remember those first interactions that you had with the person. Most of my closest friends I've been really lucky and blessed to have since about middle school. And I can barely tell you anything about our first Meet Cute. There's like a specific one with one friend that I met in science class, and there's another one that I met at a spelling bee. But the details are a little bit hazy. The friends I've made in the last 10 years, however, I can tell you beat for beat where we were, if we had a meal, and that first moment where I thought, oh, I really like this person. We are vibing. I can also tell you the ways that I wondered, do they like me as much as I like them? Is it all in my head? Do they want to be my friend too? Recently, I learned that one of my dear friends is moving across the country, and our origin stories come up several times. And I distinctly remember those early days when we both exuberantly asked, Do you want to be friends? Over the years, we've gone out for dinners and lunches, we've had sleepovers and invited each other to family functions, we've laughed together, we've grieved together, and each step along the way, we've both given signs that you're safe here, which has allowed us to continue to open up, to be a bit more vulnerable, and therefore to develop a deeper relationship. Because when you're in the moment, it feels like you naturally reveal more of yourself bit by bit as you get to know someone. I think that in the best moments, it's just genuine and real and not necessarily easy, but there's a willingness to it. You're willing to have the moment where I don't know how they're going to receive this, but I'm gonna say it anyway. I don't know what they're going to think about this, but I'm going to do it anyway. And there are moments when someone starts to reveal that they've really gotten to know you. They might reference a specific preference that you have when making a choice for what to eat. Oh, they don't like mushrooms. Or maybe they'll say something like, oh, you would love this, or oh, you'd hate this. And it's just a way that they show. They've been paying attention, they've been taking note. But the more that I thought about this, a bigger question arose. And y'all, you know when the big questions come up, I'm gonna share them with you. I thought, how much of yourself do you let people see? And I'm sorry that I'm not sorry, but we have to think about that. How much of yourself do you let people see? I found this especially shocking of a question to consider when I looked back at my past romantic relationships. Because I think I've been open and quote unquote myself in my past romantic relationships, but that's how I felt at the time. Reflection's really helpful in that it allows you to run the tape back and replay it in your mind. To examine the scenario with some clarity now that you've had some time and some space away. And when I'm honest with myself, with some of them, I just didn't really let them see the totality of me. The goofy side, the silly side, the incredibly serious side, the philosophical verbal processing side. And I know some of you are saying, how did they miss the verbal processing side? And it made me think, without all of that, what did they see? What I'm certain of is that they never had enough information to make an informed decision on me. And I think that's why the breakups were so sad, because they didn't give me they didn't give the full me a chance. And really, I didn't give the full me a chance. I'll never forget I was dating someone and they got me a gift, and I thought, wow, this is surprising and really nice, and it came out of nowhere. Now I'm used to a random gift because my mother was the queen of I was out and about and I thought of you, and I found this thing and I picked it up. She used to do that all the time. When that is your norm, you are just used to receiving lovely trinkets of joy throughout your life, and it is so beautiful. And then it was hilarious when my niece told me that I do that for her, and I thought, what when did that happen? But anyhow, I was excited about this random gift that this person had gotten for me, and when I opened it up, it was a Venus flytrap. And whoa! What was this person thinking? I don't have any plants. I don't want any plants. I am not one to keep things alive. I'm trying to keep me alive. And why would I ever want something that would attract bugs? Good lord, why? No, thank you. This person didn't know me at all. What were they thinking? But what about when you recognize the result of that is your fault? That the person doesn't know this about you because you haven't been clear about who you are and what you like and what you don't like? If you never drop the mask, if you never put down the representational costume that you wear, how is somebody ever going to really get to know you? What about when you do let somebody know you? When you actually take the time to peel back all the onion layers and say, This is me. I think some of the biggest heartbreaks come from feeling like you've truly been seen and yet it still doesn't work. And again, I'm talking about all breakups. Family, friends, romantic relationships. When you've truly been seen and it doesn't work, in that scenario, your true self has been rejected. It's easier when someone says no thanks to a representation of who you are, but when you've truly let someone get to know you, the good, the bad, the vulnerable, the insecurities that you have, the things you've that you're deeply passionate about, the dreams you're not ready to whisper out loud because they feel too tender, and yet you chose to do that with them. When someone says no thanks to that fuller version of you, man, it's crushing. So then the equation feels pretty simple after that. Give less of yourself. Give some of yourself, but not everything. Mandy Moore has a song where she says, save a little for yourself, never give it all away. And that kind of resonates because it'll keep you safe, right? It will keep your heart protected. But here's the rub. The greatest relationships that I have had in my life are the ones that are a result of being my truest and fullest self. My relationship with my sibling, with my best friends, with my parents. Those relationships are so deep and rich. They are totally worth it. When someone can anticipate your needs, your likes and your dislikes, it's freaking awesome. The people that I feel like I know deeply are by far the easiest people to be around. Because it isn't work. I'm not spending time guarding myself or overthinking my every spoken word out loud. And I might find myself doing that because I've been doing it all day with other people, and then when I remember I get to drop it, it's so freeing. Last week I was talking to my best friend, and I found myself giving all of these disclaimers of, this is going to sound weird, you know, but just let me explain. Okay, hold like stay with me here. And after about the third one, I thought, wait, I don't have to do any of this or say any of this, because she knows me. And it was just so easy to then break into the story I wanted to tell or give the background on what was happening. Yes, part of that is a result of almost 30 years of friendship, which wow, when did that happen? But it's also a result of both of us showing up over and over again, and the other person meeting us there and communicating with our words and our actions. It's all okay. It's all accepted, it's all allowed. The world gets really lonely when we stop showing up and sharing ourselves with people who deserve it. We are all a collection of our life experiences and the lessons that we've learned along the way. And unfortunately, a hard lesson that some of us learn is that we can't share our full selves with everyone, including some of the people that we should be able to. Sometimes people let you down, sometimes they prove to be untrustworthy. And the only thing that we can control in those instances is how we show up, what we do, how we protect ourselves in those scenarios. What I've realized in totality is that authenticity should be our goal. Showing up as authentically as we can in the moment that we're in, regardless of how much of ourselves we choose to share. Psychology Today says individuals considered authentic are those who strive to align their actions with their core values and beliefs with the hope of discovering and then acting in sync with their true selves? I thought that was awesome. And such a clear and helpful reminder that we can all be better about asking ourselves, how can I be my authentic self in this moment? So now I ask you, is there a situation or a person with whom you can show up more authentically? As always, sound off in the comments. You can email me directly at lovestochat at gmail.com. And you can just chat with me if you see me out and about in the world. I can't wait to hear from you, and I'll chat with you in the next one. Thank you so much for listening to the Loves to Chat podcast. Make sure you share this with your friends, your family, via social media, or word of mouth. Either way, I appreciate you sharing this out, listening every week, and leaving me in your comments. You can listen to Loves to Chat on whatever podcast layer you prefer, and you can reach out to me at lovestochhat at gmail.com. I'll see you in the next one.