This episode is a testament to the power of healing, self-discovery, and personal growth. Join us as we delve into the importance of finding self-identity and balance in relationships, the art of self-forgiveness, and how to set healthy standards in dating. Don't miss this inspiring conversation that offers hope, encouragement, and valuable insights to help you on your own journey towards healing and self-improvement. Listener discretion is advised.
Follow me on Instagram! @Donavon.Baeza
This episode is a testament to the power of healing, self-discovery, and personal growth. Join us as we delve into the importance of finding self-identity and balance in relationships, the art of self-forgiveness, and how to set healthy standards in dating. Don't miss this inspiring conversation that offers hope, encouragement, and valuable insights to help you on your own journey towards healing and self-improvement. Listener discretion is advised.
Follow me on Instagram! @Donavon.Baeza
I still to this day. I'm like who am I? Like what do I? like What interests me? Like what keeps me on my toes? Like what do I wanna do, you know, with my time when I don't have my daughter? Like who am I when I don't have my daughter?
Speaker 2:Hey, what's up? Welcome to Donations. My name is Donovan and I'm your host. I just wanted to let you know real quick. It's all gonna be okay, it's gonna be great actually, and you have to believe that Today I'm joined by Amy Matta and Yanniri Carrasco. This episode is all about healing Everyone's favorite thing. Amy is a certified dental assistant and kicking ass as a top-notch single mom, and Yanniri is also dominating the dental field as well as running her own thriving juicing business Right off the top.
Speaker 2:I wanna be transparent. Things got pretty deep and some parts may be hard for some listeners to take in. Our intention isn't to cause discomfort, but only to shed light on the ability to heal through dark times. Listener, discretion is advised. But also the conversation is full of hope and excitement for what's to come when we process our pain and look forward with purpose. We sincerely hope you enjoy. ["i'm a Dentalist"]. So I just wanna give credit where credit is due. I see you guys posting on social media, putting yourselves out there, hustling, traveling, shining your light on the world, and those people are my kind of people And I see that light in y'all and I love it so much And I'm so glad that you guys joined me today.
Speaker 1:No, seriously, thank you for inviting us. Whenever you extended out the invitation, i was super excited for that. Yeah, when Amy reached out and I was like I was a little surprised, it was kind of unexpected, but I appreciate it.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Sometimes you don't ever realize people see you in a certain way And then you see yourself in a different way, and so I really appreciate that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's the best thing, right? We don't get a chance to see ourselves from the outside. It's important to keep the people that truly see you in your circle. I guess, in speaking about healing, the way that you can kind of tell when someone's been through things and has taken the time to take care of themselves and show themselves love, when the world has been cold to them and decided not to let those cold things turn them bitter And they've decided to share that love within themselves. Like I said, i think that really shines through in both of you And I'm just curious what has your experience been with healing? Like I know, healing has become such a buzzword nowadays, but I think it's like because those that are taking the time to figure out what's going on in themselves and loving themselves and forgiving themselves for that, i think it's because they're doing that that they realize it's not just about it being a buzzword. It really means something.
Speaker 1:So yeah, definitely, It definitely does mean something, especially when you've been through a lot of trauma, through a lot of heartache. It's like you kind of have to take that step back and realize OK, what changes can I make, What can I do different? What am I doing as a person? Healing is reflective all around And very messy, very, very messy.
Speaker 2:It's not easy.
Speaker 1:It's not, And it's a lot of self-reflecting and self. I can't think of the word like acknowledgment, OK, I'm this way. Why am I this way? Why is this triggering me? Why do I do this self-sabotaging? Why do I do the things that I do? Or why do I keep going after the things that I'm going after?
Speaker 2:serving me on purpose.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's not helping me to grow. Why am I still stuck in the same place?
Speaker 2:I think it's important to recognize how effective just I mean I guess we're looking for answers, right, when we ask ourselves those things And it's not easy, like you said, and we don't have those answers right off the bat But I think it's important to recognize that just asking those questions, just putting it out there, bringing recognition to yourself, is like the first step or like the biggest part of the process, because it's like that self-awareness right. Like I've said it before, a lot of people will go through their lives not asking themselves that question.
Speaker 1:Right right, because a lot of people too, they have a lot of pride, they have a lot of ego And they're not really willing to look at themselves. It's always somebody else And it's like at some point you've really got to like take a look at your own self and see what you are doing wrong or maybe how you're coming off to other people or who's story. Are you the villain in Right right?
Speaker 1:I'm the villain in my own story And a lot of people's stories Yes, yes, like you know, and then also like asserting yourselves in like certain type of like relationships or friendships or anything like that. You know what I mean. It's kind of just like you have to figure out who you are truly.
Speaker 2:Yes, i think, yeah, that's so huge that you say that, because I think sometimes we like put ourselves in situations because it feels good, right, and because it's exciting And because, like, it's what we want out of life to feel, like we're adventurous and we're, you know, we have things to be excited about and things that make our heart flutter, right. We want to put ourselves in those experiences. But, yes, you have to recognize why did you do that And the times that, unfortunately, those things don't last forever. What did you learn from it? And like, who are you because of it?
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:So what would you guys say would be the biggest thing you've experienced in life that has led you to do the most deepest healing?
Speaker 1:So I can speak for myself in saying that I'm coming out of a very toxic seven-year relationship. You know we had a kid and everything together, and I mean the whole relationship has just been a little messy from the beginning. And so now you know that I'm not with this person and I finally decided, you know, i want to move on with my life. I want better things for myself, i want somebody you know to treat me right. I mean, it has been a very big challenge because, also, this person is going to be in my life for the rest of my life. So I'm on another journey, too, of how to still try to heal from the same person that I'm trying to co-parent with.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And it has not been easy, but I think accepting was really the beginning of it for me. I think, accepting the fact that, like my family did not work out and we're not going to get back together and this is not what you thought it was going to be, i think acceptance for me was the very first thing that I really had to work through.
Speaker 2:What do you think was the turning point or what brought you to that acceptance?
Speaker 1:I think really just still feeling like I was very alone and doing things by myself. And even if I was with him, you know, we would still be fighting, we would still be arguing, and it was finally just accepting that.
Speaker 2:I commend you on that for sure, taking a step for yourself and defending yourself in that way, because I think a lot of times we think that's when that's what love is. We think that the fighting and having to create that space where you have to prove your love to each other becomes what love is. And so if we're not fighting, if we're not having to solve issues, then it's not love. And, of course, no relationship is perfect And there are those times where arguments come up and issues come up, but I don't think that's the core of what a relationship is And, like I said, applause to you for taking that step to recognize, yeah, this is not serving me anymore and having to adjust Right.
Speaker 1:And I really just had to come to terms with. Is this what I want for the rest of my life? Do I want to be unhappy for the rest of my life Or do I want to make a change? Do I want better for myself? Do I want better for my daughter? And I mean, of course. The answer is yes.
Speaker 2:And that's huge. You're not only breaking the cycle for yourself, but you're doing it for her too.
Speaker 1:Right And then raising a child in this world nowadays is not easy, because you're struggling with your mental health. Taking care of yourself and then trying to take care of her in the most healthy way, that's hard, it is very hard. And especially when we're still trying to have a very healthy co-parent relationship And sometimes it's just not that way. So it's just it's still a lot of learning and a lot of growth from the both of us.
Speaker 2:So How would you say you go about navigating when it's time to put her mental health first versus when it's time to put your mental health?
Speaker 1:first 1,050%, i can't even say. Her mental health and her emotional well-being means the absolute world to me And that is my absolute top priority. I want her to know that mom and dad love each other, but we just we need to be apart. We're not good together And so at this point it's just kind of like we've both agreed that her mental stability and her emotional stability is top priority. So we really try very hard not to our problems, are not her problems? really, i think you're doing a great job as a mom, thank you. Thank you. It is very hard out here And I hate to be like. This whole thing is like I'm a single mom. I'm out here and it's tough. I really hate to be like that, be like my MO or whatever, but it is.
Speaker 2:It's a real thing.
Speaker 1:It is. It's very hard. A lot of our generation, too, we grew up feeling like marriage and kids And that whole life was what it was supposed to be. And then you grow up and then you realize it's not, that's not what it's supposed to be At 18, i was like well, i'll probably be the love of my life in my early 20s.
Speaker 1:I'll be married at 25, have my kid by 27, 28. You have these thoughts and these ideas from seeing your parents grow up being that young and being married that young and having kids so young.
Speaker 2:But then I think everything we were fed when it came to entertainment said the man is supposed to save the poor distressed woman. What did?
Speaker 1:J Cole say Don't say what she don't want to be saying. Yeah, seriously Yeah.
Speaker 2:There's nothing wrong with having a husband, having kids, especially if that's something that happens early on in your life. But you're right, there is so much fulfillment to find in life, whether you're with someone or not, and in the times that we're not with someone, i think it's important that we seek those things out and realize that those things are there, because I think, like you said, a lot of us feel like we were taught early on that that's the end goal is to be with someone, to have kids, to have your family, and then you're set.
Speaker 1:No, i feel like a lot of people get together when they're both broken.
Speaker 1:They're both trying to find themselves, and then that's when problems start, and so I really do agree with that When you have that time. There was one thing that I had heard a few years ago Enjoy your single life, don't be so upset that you don't have someone, because when you do find that someone, you don't get that back Right At all Right, because if they're the one and they're, you don't get that time to find yourself back. And so I really try to take that into consideration in my journey right now, as I was like not struggling, because I'm not really struggling, but I feel like I'm attracting the wrong people. I don't know why and so, but I know My standards and I'm not gonna lower them right.
Speaker 1:Yeah if I know that you're not up to par to what I'm looking for and needing, like I'm not going to go. I feel like that's what you really need to go through in life. It's like you need to like have those experience to be like I'm not gonna put up with that And I don't want to put up with that and that's not what. That's not what's for me. I know.
Speaker 2:Sometimes I get a little frustrated when, like things haven't worked out in love in my life And they say, now it's time to put that love into yourself and I'm like I love myself. There's no problem. That's not the problem, but it like they're the problem.
Speaker 2:But it really is important, like Taking yourself somewhere, providing for yourself, like all of that is at your fingertips, regardless of with whether you're with someone or not, and, like you said, enjoy your singleness, because it's not gonna last forever. Like I come home, i do my nightly routine how I want to do it and when someone comes into my life and it's my person, like yeah, i'm not gonna get that back, it's gonna be a little bit different.
Speaker 1:Right, and it's hard to like adjust to, even you know, once you're so like used to just doing your own thing on your own. And then it's like, oh my gosh, now I have to like integrate this other person into my life and it just And there's you all, little way yeah likes and but it's hard. No, i don't know. Am I just only one that feels like dating's hard nowadays these days? Yes, it is.
Speaker 1:It's incredibly hard and then almost feel like if I didn't know you in my younger years, and I feel like I can't trust you because I don't know what your past is like. In a weird way, does that?
Speaker 2:make sense Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, cuz it's like I don't know what, like I don't know what you're capable of. I guess It sucks. I hate it and I'm always the type to give the benefit of the doubt. Like I Was dating a guy like around this time last year. Things were really great. We talked about a month before we actually met and like went on our first date. I Almost thought he was the one y'all I did and I don't know. It's suddenly like communication kind of stopped coming around, kind of stopped. Then I'm like hey, like, are you like, are we so We have that conversation too? before that, if we both ever felt like it's just not gonna work out, or like.
Speaker 1:You know we're gonna fall back. We'll let each other know. Never had that conversation. I was the one overextending. Hey, like I, you know, i really have these feelings. You know, like, are you like what's going on? and he's like oh, i'm just busy with work, me giving him the benefit out. Long story short, i end up finding out if he's dating someone else too.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it sucks, instead of just like being honest be, honest, like that's literally what we talked about, and it's like if and I told him if this isn't Something you're feeling anymore, just let me know, because I have feelings and you know, and I Don't know what to do with them. They're just sitting here And so that's kind of man. And then so me trying to put myself back out there, i went on a date with this other guy. He tried to take me home the first night and I'm sorry but like Oh no, i wasn't feeling it like that and I just not me Right, like it was just like your entitlement to think that I would actually do it and you were so persistent And I just cut it off but it did get flowers and chocolates out of it Trying to tell me he's different when the first day he was not different like sorry, buddy, like your ship sailed.
Speaker 2:I give you major props, though, because, with the first guy, you Letting him know flat out These are my feelings and you giving him the space to be honest.
Speaker 1:I will say I Had gone back and read, read messages before I deleted everything and I literally laid out what my boundaries were, and yet Here I was, allowing this man to overstep them because I had so many feelings.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:I was so upset with myself and it was thinking it was like a healing moment, and It was probably around this time in September. I I don't ever you know people be recording themselves crying. I don't, i'm not one to ever do that.
Speaker 1:Yeah but this. It was just a point where I was just so hurt Because he was the first guy dated after my ex-boyfriend four years ago. I actually put myself out there and it actually felt Like feelings for and I was so hurt I cannot stop crying. Y'all I've met I don't I even think with. When I broke up with my ex-boyfriend I was that upset, but there was just one night where I'm laying there and I'm just I had said earlier like just dry-heating, crying and I'm like I can't stop like. And so I recorded myself and I was like I will never let a man under six foot baby cry.
Speaker 2:Hey, there's nothing wrong with a good five. I know I think we have to forgive ourselves for that, because the times that we've set boundaries but have Looked past them and we didn't tell them there were consequences for passing those those boundaries, we have to forgive ourselves for those times that we did.
Speaker 1:I think it's just because we're so long in the yeah we're lingering. We're longing because I see the benefit of the doubt of people, at least that for my situation. He's like I'm just really busy with this new job. I'm like, yeah, you probably are like, yeah, i understand. No, you're too busy with another girl, let's right.
Speaker 2:I'm busy too.
Speaker 1:Busy wondering where the fuck you're at. Sorry, yeah, and it just sucks because you know and it makes you less. It almost had a little more trauma to your dating. Yeah then it pushes you back a little bit in it like, but to be honest, it kind of helps because it helps you set more of those boundaries, because the more you keep getting hurt, the more you're like I'm not gonna deal with this again.
Speaker 2:Yeah, cuz it. then then it makes you take, take accountability, and then when you do that, it's hard, because then you doubt sometimes Well, was it my fault because of this, or does that mean it was Because of me that this ended, or that I'm single and what's wrong with me and nothing right nothing, i'm not with you.
Speaker 1:It's sometimes not even personal, it's just the other person projecting off of what trauma They have and what they haven't healed. And then we? but as humans, we are always in the mirror like what's wrong with me, what did I do wrong? Right, but you know It's, it's messy, you're right.
Speaker 1:It's very messy, yeah, right, and that's how I feel, kind of, you know too, with a certain somebody You know I feel like I'm already ruined. I'm already, you know he's Me. He sees me, yeah, and broken and like a single mom and, like you know, i feel like he doesn't really get to fully see me for who I am. He sees me already like as a mom and I'm already like used up and like I don't like being Misindependent all the time. You know what I mean. Like yes, is it great, you know that I can take care of myself and I'm an independent woman and yeah, but like at the same time, like I Don't want to have such this masculine energy.
Speaker 2:Oh my gosh, you're like reading my mind.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, i see that online on like those words to masculinity and femininity And it's like a lot of women, we're very deep on our masculine side. Yes, i got myself because I feel like that's where I'm at. That's how I feel too. I feel like I am just very Masculine like I got when I'm a man.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I got me and I'm independent.
Speaker 1:You know what I mean. I feel like I'm in my very like mask era and I don't want to be that I want to be a little. Soft, you know. Like I'm a woman, like I want to be taken care of, I want to be loved and nurtured, you know. At the same time, but I feel like I am such in my masculine era right now that I'm just like I don't need no man to do nothing for me. You know what I mean. Like yes except Jonathan.
Speaker 2:So then let's switch it up, right? So like, yeah, the same thing here too, right? Everybody I don't care who you are, whoever's listening Everybody has a masculine and a friend inside. So let's say it right here, right now, like, yes, i'm right there with you too. I feel like on a day-to-day basis, when I get up and I go to work and I'm doing my things for myself and I'm, you know, providing for myself and I'm paying my bills and I'm making my way about the world, yeah, hell Yeah, i'm in my masculine.
Speaker 2:I'm doing for me right, as you should too, but when it comes to dating, if you want a man to take care of you, if you want a man to be the man that he should be, be a masculine man. Yeah then that you know that's your chance to. That's where you step into your feminine era. Right and you open yourself to receiving, and if he's not gonna give you that, then he's not in his masculine era exactly.
Speaker 2:When you were talking about the situation that you're in right now. What I wanted to say was You felt like he sees you as broken, or is it whatever? Anybody, i don't care who you are. If nobody sees you for what you are in your authentic self, then they don't see themselves. They haven't taken the time to turn the mirror on themselves and look within.
Speaker 1:Uncle Jackson man. Yeah, you need to start with the man in the mirror, honey cuz.
Speaker 2:Don't we all?
Speaker 1:yeah, no, we all, and that's. I feel like that's where we all should start. We use start by looking at yourself. Yeah first and fixing and correcting what is not right about Your. I think that's what a lot of people struggle with is facing themselves.
Speaker 1:Yeah cuz they see a lot of that trauma, all of their demons, skeletons in their closet. Yes, and I feel like he's the type of person that he just hasn't figured himself out Completely yet and I think he struggles with his faith a lot. I think that's a big factor to his faith and Realizing who he really is as a person and just Maybe he feels like he won't be as accepted as he is now If he's portrayed in a different light.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and that's that's huge for you to be in the middle of this situation and to recognize that, because a lot of us I Don't realize those things until we're forced out of the situation. So as long as you're Seeing those things within yourself, i'm then seeing them in him.
Speaker 1:You can assess from there And I think you're in a very advantageous spot but with me, like You know, obviously we're talking about healing and everything but me. I'm just like, okay, that's him, that has nothing to do with me.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:I think you know what I mean. I'm like healing is learning, not to take taking so personally right and like not chasing after something. You know that obviously, like he wants nothing to do with. Like you know, you have to learn to pick and choose your battles as well. You know what I mean. Like because I might be healed, but he might not be healed from things that he doesn't even realize, that he's not healed from You know we're sometimes, as humans, we have to learn to be a little empathetic and be like what?
Speaker 1:what path are they walking that I don't see, right. Like what are they struggling with that? I don't see. I think that's also I struggle with that. Sometimes I'm like, well, this person's so this and it's like, well, no, there's probably a reason for that. I'm probably so this to someone else, right, exactly. And then there's my. I have my reasons for why I am the way I am. You know, it's empathy.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but we we got to be careful, at least from I'm speaking from personal experience because We can recognize that right, but we can't let ourselves take the weight of it and I'll be honest and say like I Feel that more now Then I have in the past years.
Speaker 1:I feel like I've always been the link, like I just know, i don't know. I just feel like I've always been like the girl that men feel like they can walk all over and just just like how that guy I can literally clearly communicated. Let me know if this is no longer something that you're interested in or willing to pursue So I can back off and heal myself from this situation. But instead I built an attachment and you know what I had seen a tick tock that said sometimes it's not even the person That you're attached to, it's just the feeling they gave you right hadn't felt yes, so long.
Speaker 2:Can we just take a second to recognize The pain that is, recognizing there's an attachment there and then having to detach?
Speaker 1:Detaching is the worst.
Speaker 2:Because, for those of you listening that do not know or aren't aware, please look into attachment theory. It has changed my life. It has made so much sense of a lot of these feelings and this war going on inside of me and a lot of hurt that I sometimes find myself still carrying after all these years with the attachments that I've made in my life. Yes, and you know, i just just take the time to look at it because it is life changing.
Speaker 1:Attachment theory. I have to look into it because I agree and then I even hate to admit this because if anyone I know, those things gonna be like this girl but like I've been having. So I've only had one relationship in my life Five months. I've known my ex-boyfriend since I was like 15. We were freshmen in high school. He was my prom date and then we just always remained really good friends, had a really good friendship, moved back to town. He moved to Santone, he came back and we were connected and you know something, flourished. Things just didn't work out and like, as of recently, i've just had dreams where like we bump into each other and we're catching up and it's it's happening more recent than anything. I don't know if this is just the time that we dated. That, like my subconscious is like bringing it up, but like what is my attachment still to this relationship that ended about four years ago? Yeah, it's crazy and it's driving me a little crazy these past few weeks because it's like why am I dreaming you? Why am I missing you?
Speaker 2:And I hope you never listen to this.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and it's like I'm not. I don't miss him now, in a sense because I don't feel like this version of me would ever be with him, but like the past version of me is still longing for the what, if? Yeah, that's what my subconscious is telling me.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:So it's funny that you bring up attachment, because I was just asking why am I so attached to this Like? why am I still like almost kind of grieving what was lost? and it's kind of weird to think, like us humans, that we have all these emotions and these attachments and these feelings. For me, i'm more attached to, like the fun that it was.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And like the excitement and you know, just knowing that he was gonna text me and I was gonna be there and we were gonna hang out, and that's just like yeah.
Speaker 2:It's those dopamine hits man. They'll get you addicted real quick.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah.
Speaker 2:But we have to remember that, like I guess we have to kind of take like the experience and then the person and separate them because there is someone more self-aware that will give us that same experience without all of those complications that separated us from this other person in the first place.
Speaker 1:I agree, you're definitely right, like I had spoke earlier, how I was so broken back in September, but like now, this version of me, so detached from him. But this the feelings and the situation, like you know, like I kind of have the ick now Yeah. Like dang, i was crying over you.
Speaker 2:And if you know, if we find that one of the things I've learned more recently, or like has solidified in my mind more recently, is that, like, yes, relationships are special and you know they mean something to you, right, and you find enjoyment and excitement in them. but when, like sometimes, when you really take the time to peel back the layers and look at them and you find that this person, like you said, wasn't giving you the time of day, wasn't able to provide for you the way that you provided for them, then it's like you brought the excitement and the fun to the relationship. Yeah, everything that you poured into the relationship is what made it fun and exciting and something to miss. So it's you, it's always gonna be in you and you can take that to the next relationship where the person is more deserving of it.
Speaker 1:Yes, i agree, like I'm preserving myself for the next the right person. Yeah, and I was telling the girls at work and I was like I feel like sometimes I had this guy a few years back tell me I think he was trying to date me. He was like you know, it was after a few drinks at a party. He's like I've never seen that you've had a boyfriend. Like, why like? because I have standards.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:I'm like well, what's your type? I'm not gonna tell you because you're gonna try to be that Right, i'll let you know when I see it. You know what I mean, and so that kind of almost I'm not gonna lie. That hurt me a little bit because he acknowledged the fact that I had not had a relationship First of all. A lot of people like substance, like, for example, how I had talked about that guy that has a daughter that's trying to date me. All I get is a hi.
Speaker 2:What are?
Speaker 1:you doing Those substance at all and I'm like I'm single because I have standards, they're single because they don't have substance. Bring some conversation to me. Yeah, and speaking of that, that last guy that I was like so broken over, you know why? Okay, we met on a dating app, so I was trying them out. First thing he asked me when he messaged me was what are your next three goals for the next three years?
Speaker 2:Oh.
Speaker 1:So I think that's where they are. that's attractive to me, yeah. When it's not like yes.
Speaker 1:You know, you know like you try to cuddle or like something like that. You know, that's where my attachment was, because our conversation was so great. We talked a month before we met in person. I honestly kind of pushed off our first date a little bit, but like when our first day was great, our first day was very great, that's what I'm telling you. Like a connection was there, but there was someone else too And yeah, i think we, i.
Speaker 2:So I listened to a lot of other podcasts and, to name a few, jay Shetty, matthew Hussie. They're huge on dating and love and they talk about how that spark, that initial spark, is so exciting and that connection right. It's all about like you can have connection, you can have chemistry, but the thing that's going to make it last in the long run is are you willing to put in work? This isn't always going to be easy, this isn't always going to be fun, and in those times, are you still willing to choose me and this relationship?
Speaker 2:Yeah, and us too like are we still going to choose it? Is it not as fun anymore? because that sparks?
Speaker 1:Are we willing to put in the work to make it grow? You know it's like a garden.
Speaker 2:Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 1:Literally like a garden. And so, until I find the man that asked me what my three goals in life are, again, i'm good because it's like hi, what are you doing, boy? mind of my business. Bye, i have fucking work, making money. Yes, and to a lot of these men are in the oil field so they think like flashing their money. No, boy.
Speaker 2:I got myself No.
Speaker 1:I'm like no, your money is not going to do anything for me And I always like compare myself to like Chelsea from Teen Mom. I, oh my god, i'm a big, i love.
Speaker 2:Aimee the reality show.
Speaker 1:I'm a big Teen Mom fan. I've always been a big Teen Mom fan since like day one, like love, love, love. Those girls still fall with them to this day, like. So I always really compare myself to Chelsea. Like her, you know, just being like really down and out and struggling and you know feeling like she was never going to find her prince in life. And then along came Cole and just you know completely like changed her entire life. So I've always felt like like I'm waiting out on my Cole in life, you know I dealt with like the atoms for so long.
Speaker 1:You know the liars, the narcissist and you know the hurt, the trauma, the pain you know, feeling like I was never going to be like he said about comfortability.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like never feeling like you're going to be good enough for somebody because that person literally broke you down to the freaking core. But then there was there's somebody that comes along and just takes all of that away. So, like me, i'm always like I'm just waiting out on my Cole in life, like I just I want my Cole in life And, the time being, enjoy your singleness.
Speaker 1:Yes which I really have been, and that's kind of been like a self-journey too, like figuring out who I am outside of somebody else. That's been a huge struggle, because I feel like I'm a mom and I'm an employee and that's all there is to me and it's just kind of finding like who I am still to this day. And it's been like an entire year and I still to this day I'm like who am I like? what do I like? what interests me, like what keeps me on my toes, like what do I want to do, you know, with my time when I don't have my daughter? like who am I when I don't have my daughter? and that's a big thing that I'm really trying to figure out with life.
Speaker 1:So big identity crisis because I don't know who I am when I'm not with Cameron, because even when I'm not with Cameron, i'm like I'm a mother. That's hard, that's very hard yeah, we gotta shift our.
Speaker 2:I get that because I know it's. I think sometimes we can put so much of our identity into one thing right, but I think different roles, yeah right, we have to. I think we gotta be intentional about shifting focus and it being not a struggle to find out who we are but an opportunity. Right, right.
Speaker 1:Not that it's a struggle, but it's just kind of finding who I am and what I like. And when I don't have Cameron, what am I doing with my time? How am I spending that time? How am I elevating myself, or you know? because it's easy for me to just be like I'm staying at home and I'm turning off all the time, i'm going to bed and I'm staying in my little shell and in my comfort.
Speaker 2:Sometimes this is what I've been doing recently to better find out who I am and what my needs are. I think about my five year old self, or my inner child, and I'm like what does he need right now? We're not doing anything right now. We don't have anything. We don't have anywhere to be right now. Nothing's going on. What does he want to do? What does he need right now? Sometimes he needs that 10 piece chicken nugget from McDonald's.
Speaker 2:Sometimes, he needs to put away doing the laundry The laundry can wait or a trip out of town somewhere we can relax.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and you say that. and that's so funny that you say that, because when you're in a relationship for so long, you're almost like, oh, i can go and do these things, i don't have to worry about if someone is going to get mad, if I'm going to step out for 10-15 minutes and go do something that I need to enjoy for my own space.
Speaker 1:I don't have to worry about that. Honestly, i feel like that kind of scares me about entering into a relationship. I feel like low key and I can acknowledge that I think I struggle with commitment issues. I think I've been single so long. I've dated but I've never had that relationship with my ex-boyfriend. It kind of sucks that it ended, because it ended years of friendship. I think I struggle because I have this fear of committing to somebody and no longer having my singleness and doing the things I just want to do spontaneously. I bought a random Last night. I supposedly bought a Drake ticket.
Speaker 2:Yeah, i guess I saw that. I saw a lot of jealous.
Speaker 1:Everything was a blur. My bank account was happening. If I had a significant other I probably couldn't do that. Another thing that guy I had gone on a date with he was like wow, i've been kind of big on solo traveling. I feel like it's very uncomfortable. He told me if you were my girl you would not be doing that. Another red flagged me because it's like no, i wouldn't mind traveling with you, but if there's ever a time I want to take a solo trip, just because I mentally need it, not because I'm being shady, because I'm untrustworthy, i just mentally need that for myself.
Speaker 2:If you can't respect that, i would want to do that, then it's not going to work out.
Speaker 1:I seriously commend you for taking those solo trips, because I know that that is not easy.
Speaker 1:I know that that is not easy to go somewhere and be somewhere completely different by yourself, figuring out what you're going to do, planning out what you're going to do, taking yourself to these places and things like that. I really truly commend you for that, because that is something I could not personally do by myself. It's a lot of anxiety, yeah I bet, but you do it and then you're there and you go through it and then it's beneficial to you at the end of the day. I really commend you for taking those solo trips and I know you take a lot of solo trips too as well and I just find that so humbling. I know, but I have so much anxiety and so much fear.
Speaker 2:You literally took a small trip Right and. I'm like I really just want to go to Colorado and I go to Denver.
Speaker 1:I really just want to go, but I don't feel like I want to experience that by myself. but I'm like at this point, sometimes it's needed because it gives you time to self reflect on yourself your life your relationships.
Speaker 1:It's just you, just to figure you out And to learn yourself and to get more acquainted with yourself, which I don't think is ever a bad thing, because we all go through stages in life. I'm not the same person that I was when I was 20, and I'm not going to be the same person as I was when I was 30, when I'm 40. Or when I'm 50.
Speaker 2:I'm not going to be the same person I was when I was 40.
Speaker 1:I'm going to continue to evolve and to grow, so it's just like I need to put myself out there and I need to expand and I need to learn more about myself. You know what I mean. I'm always going to grow. I'm never going to be the same person. I'm never going to be the same person.
Speaker 2:And what better way to do that than to face that monster right, put yourself in an uncomfortable position, but then take your own hand and say we got this, we're going to do this and we're going to be okay. Right.
Speaker 1:Society makes you to believe that you need to have somebody with you all the time It's so taboo for people to go and do things by themselves and alone. Yes, I have people that are like really like I could never go without my significant other, like, well, i'm glad that you have that relationship where you feel like you know.
Speaker 1:But, it's because they're so dependent on that other person that they don't even probably know who they are outside of that person, and that's the thing is like. you have to figure out who you are first before you introduce another person into your life.
Speaker 2:And I even think it's important to continue that when you have somebody.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:And to have somebody who wants to continue that with you, right, like, i think I really resonate with what you said. Sometimes you have that fear that you have commitment issues because you'll lose part of yourself or there's things you don't think you'll be able to do anymore when you have somebody. But I think, when we think that we self-sabotage ourselves, right, that we would put ourselves aside for the relationship And that's something I had to learn the hard way is that like no, i'm still here. Like Little Donovan is still here, you still got to take care of him and do for him too, right. And so, having a partner, that's like, yeah, go on that trip. If you need to take a solo trip, go for it. I'll still be here. Like semi-picks, when you're out there, i'll still be here waiting. And then, like, you come back and you're like I think I want to do that too. Cool, i'm like you really Like do I trust you?
Speaker 2:I think it's a matter too.
Speaker 1:If you're in the relationship with your partner is making you feel So I don't even help me with that word Secure, yes, secure in that relationship.
Speaker 2:And it's unfortunate that that's our experience right, That we've only seen those trust issues or that we've only felt that insecurity. Right, But with the right one, we can still take our solo trips.
Speaker 1:I think so too, and like I don't, i hold out my faith, like I think hopefully eventually meet someone, but until then I'm enjoying the ride by myself and hopefully It's just a matter of who we pick. We got to think about it. We don't have to be with that person you know, Right If it's just not compatible.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and so I think that's where the anxiety, i don't know, i just feel like I struggle with that And I've self-reflected on it. I think maybe the problem is me. I think I'm struggling to meet somebody because I'm automatically over romanticizing it and thinking, well, dang, then, if I'm with this person, then I will be able to do this and that. But no, like I'm not giving the person the benefit of the doubt, of like maybe they'll allow it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that is scary, because I feel that too. I think about a relationship and I'm like it should be all-encompassing, right, it should be exciting and a thrill, and when it is that way, it kind of takes you out of your own life, right. And it's like I do things on a daily basis too, like I said, provide for myself, protect myself and give to myself all those things, right. And it's like you think or at least I think about a relationship and I'm like it should be all-encompassing and it should be this grand thing And it's almost like it should be this thing that takes me out of my life and transport me into a new one, but it's like you still got to do those things for yourself, like you can't abandon yourself.
Speaker 1:Right. You can't rely on another person to fulfill your happiness.
Speaker 2:Exactly Now. I think it's. I think it can be seen as unfortunate that heartbreak is something that causes us to do the most healing in life, But I think it's a fortunate thing, Me looking at it, I think it's so fortunate that we get to meet people that teach us these things, whether they meant to or not.
Speaker 1:And I do believe everyone comes into our life for a reason to teach us things and you know you learning, you grow And I think I've also, in my healing journey, have learned to just accept things for what they are and have enjoyed for what it was. And you know it's sad that things end sometimes, but everything sometimes is seasonal.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And you know things, just come and go and just enjoy it for what it was, and just moving forward for me And just move on, because the person I was like when that relationship ended four years ago I was very broken too to where I didn't even realize. If she listens to this, i don't want her to like think I'm calling her out, but you know, emily and I have always been great friends, but I guess where I was just so wrapped up into this relationship and I don't know in my life I didn't realize I was kind of neglecting our friendship.
Speaker 1:And she let me know how I was making her feel And it sucks, because in no way, shape or form did I ever think I was making her feel the way I was. Yeah, and then the fact that I'm going through this hard breakup and it's like I'm hurting someone I love so much and it's like I think I was just very kind of like almost villainizing myself, like I'm like this horrible person And we did, we worked things out, but there was, like, i think, a few years where we didn't really talk much And thankfully now we've grown and we've rekindled that and we're getting back to where we were And I'm so grateful for that. I'm grateful that she was able to forgive me for that. And then I was able to forgive myself because I wasn't aware of what I was doing. But she made me knowledgeable of my actions and you know, realizing I'm hurting people too, but I'm also hurting. So it's very conflicting. It's like how do I fix this when I'm so broken, trying to fix myself?
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I think in a fortunate, unfortunate way, intentional, unintentional way, hurt people hurt people.
Speaker 1:Yes, yeah, absolutely. I was going to say the same thing. hurt people, hurt people. My friends are literally like, well, we just tolerate him because you do. You know what I mean. So it's just like your real friends will really stick around for you. When it's all said and done, after the fact, thank God for my friends, because I wouldn't have been able to make it or survive. So if it wasn't for my friends, just even being remotely somewhat understanding of what I was going through, i don't think I would have made it.
Speaker 1:And a lot of them said we only tolerated it because of you, Because we love you.
Speaker 2:Yes, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1:And you know we have that mindset. well, I got me, No one else got me. But no, it's not a good mindset to have, because you do have people that love and care about you.
Speaker 2:What do you think is the biggest impact healing has had on your future? How do you see your future now that you've done some healing and taken the time? And I mean I will say first, there's more healing for me to do.
Speaker 1:Agreed.
Speaker 2:But so much more. But I feel like, because of the time that I've taken to sit with myself and to allow myself to feel the feelings that I need to feel and to dissect those feelings, the future is wide open. It's so weird that hurt from my past has brought me to this point, but because of it there's so much hope that I didn't think I would have again.
Speaker 1:And you know what brings me hope is we're always going through something. There's always dark times, but the fact that we've always gotten through it, they always pass And then another chapter of hardships come along, but you know what You always get through it. Back in 2021 or 2020, i had finally moved out, got my own apartment, so a year after I had just had my first breakup And I feel like it was a new chapter for me And I wasn't really looking to date. And so I'm on these stupid dating apps So cringey, to admit.
Speaker 1:But, I met this guy And I didn't have an attachment to him, it was just more of a physical thing. He'd come over, he'd leave, whatever. I think at one point a part of me was just like I don't want to do this. I've never had this. What do they call it? a ho-face? I've never had one. And I was just maybe like maybe this is what I'm needing. It's not And it's not for everybody, and so I tried it not for me And I kind of cut things off And he comes back And I've had that boundary, i'm not going to see you, whatever. Well, i go out with a coworker to a work outing Summer Mammers, if you know what in Midland gets crazy.
Speaker 1:You know, a lot of popcorn, a lot of alcohol, a lot of alcohol. I guess I had reached out to this person alcohol, And while I come home, you know, and I lay down and I pass out, and next thing I know I hear pounding on my door And I like remember, oh shoot, i'm right in this.
Speaker 2:Well, i don't want to see you, So I wasn't going to open the door. I'm like sorry, buddy.
Speaker 1:Well, guess what I do? And I forget to lock my door. So you know, things happen And I don't remember. I don't remember anything at all, really, bits and pieces in the blur. I wake up with bruises, there's like a mess in my room, there's like bloody condoms. There's a bloody condom by my door. There's a bloody condom by my bathroom, my toilet. There's blood on my toilet, blood on my sink where this man washed himself off. There's blood on my sheets And, granted, it's not my first time, so things were very aggressive. I had bruises and my body's hurting.
Speaker 1:I wake up the next morning to this man kissing me by and I'm like freaking out because what the heck happened? And so the second I hear him leave and shut the. I pretended I was asleep. Second, he leaves and shuts that door. I run to lock it And instead, like regret And it's like, is it my fault?
Speaker 1:Like, and I go back and it was just on Snapchat, i had invited him over. So, like I had that guilt and I hate to admit and it took me the longest to be like it was a sexual assault, but it was Because I wasn't all the way there to remember it. And then, like, thinking back, i got flashbacks. I like my head was hurting And I remember I knocked it on the wall And like he's completely took advantage of the fact that I wasn't very coherent. And you know, you always think that that's not going to happen to you. You know that's not gonna happen to me. I'm very no, and it took me a long time to accept that it had to happen for me to reach this place that I'm at. But it's also hurting me because when I told my friends about it, oh, i just kind of brushed it off Like it was just a wild night.
Speaker 1:But deep down I knew it, deep inside, it was not just a wild night I was taking advantage of in my own home. I didn't no longer feel safe. I would wake up in the middle of the night like freaking out, constantly making sure my door's locked, and he knew what he did because he took a few days to reach out to me. And then after that I was very short and I just deleted him Because I just I couldn't. I couldn't deal with it. But I also couldn't deal with healing with it because I pushed it back And it was affecting my relationships with my friends, people around me, because I wasn't dealing with it.
Speaker 1:It was coming up and I was lashing out, i was leaving group chat, so I was mad about a brunch. I was just mad and they didn't understand why, because to them I made it seem like it was just a wild night. But in reality it was just me trying to accept the fact because I blamed myself. So I told a friend and she was like well, you invited him over, didn't you? And that kind of just like made me feel like damn, it doesn't matter if you invited him over or not, it's the fact that he knew that you were incoherent. Yeah, and then you know what A part of my healing process was like.
Speaker 1:I wasn't very mad at him because I was more mad at myself And I had to try to be okay with me not being mad at him because I was mad at myself. But I also had to learn to forgive myself and acknowledge that it was not my fault. I had to talk. I'm in a fitness group. I talked to my fitness instructor about it because it was just too much. I talked to her six months after it happened and she told me that I need to learn to heal from that because if not. If I just keep pushing it down, it's just gonna affect more.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And it's helped. It helped a lot And I think that's where I'm at with my healing and just accepting that it was what it was. Now, because it was a problem too, my drinking I haven't blocked out since then And that was the thing, too that I was struggling. I was always going out to the bars, drinking my money, spending my money on looking forward to the weekend, living for the weekend, basically, and that helped me stop And I'm thankful. It's weird to think, yeah, but it shifted that in me where I don't wanna I socially do this and I'm fine with that. But now it's just like, if it comes to going out and it's just Yeah, this is what we're gonna do.
Speaker 2:It's like I'd rather not.
Speaker 1:And I think not to say that that needed to happen, but that I also needed to happen, for me to have that mindset, to let go of that type of life, like it's a little, yeah, it's pretty traumatic Yeah that is. I'm like I don't even have words, like I'm so shocked. I think I'm okay to talk about it now, but back then it was really hard. But just in the sense of that, anyone else has ever gone through that and they feel like they're to blame. it's not them.
Speaker 2:Right, no, no.
Speaker 1:It's not them, and there's hope in the healing. There's a light from it. You just have to work towards it.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And I feel like for so long I was like no, I'm fine, I'm fine, Like I'm just going through life like as if it didn't happen, and it's almost like. the more you try to brush it off or play it off and not deal with it, the more that it just keeps eating at you, and eating at you, and eating at you, and it's not until you fully truly accept what you went through and what happened to you is that you can't really start to begin to start that healing process until you accept it And I'm so sorry that that happened to you and I'm sorry that you had to have that experience.
Speaker 1:And so, just for anyone listening, you know it gets better. You just have to do the work. Yes, i mean, it doesn't get better by just expecting it to.
Speaker 2:You have to do the work Right you have to put in the work. One foot in front of the other.
Speaker 1:Yeah, literally one day at a time. I think sometimes we get overwhelmed thinking about the stretch of the healing process. But why? Why do we stretch ourselves out so much about it?
Speaker 2:Like we, it's a forever process.
Speaker 1:It's a forever process.
Speaker 2:Ever changing.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because things are gonna come and happen to us in our lives, unfortunately, and it is a forever process. You're always gonna continue to learn about yourself and wanna grow yourself and expand yourself as a person, hopefully.
Speaker 2:And there's so much beauty in healing, let it take as long as it needs to take.
Speaker 1:There's no. What do they say? It's not linear Like there's Yeah Right, you have your ups, you have your downs Yes absolutely. I mean even to this day, a year later, i mean I still have my ups and my downs and I'm still confused and I'm still hurt and I'm still sad. But at the end of the day I'm like I'm so much better off where I am now And just being happier myself as a person Telling you you gotta enjoy the singleness before you get that blessing, Oh let me tell you I enjoy my singleness.
Speaker 2:I love my singleness.
Speaker 1:I love my every other weekends And you know my nights that I have off. But I mean, i'm human. You know what I mean. I feel lonely.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And then I don't wanna revert back to what is comfortable.
Speaker 2:I feel like this conversation has been so healing for me in itself, just to know that there are others out there Healing as well, working through healing, i think recently taking the time to look at the needs of my inner child and how those are still needing to be met and how they're the reason why I've put myself in the situations I've put myself in or found myself in the situation I found myself in, why I've found myself fighting so hard for certain relationships or why I have found anger and resentment for so many things. And it's been so eye-opening for me and I just yeah, this has been in itself that just knowing that that's a common denominator has been so healing in itself.
Speaker 1:You've been asking the questions, but I just want to ask what do you feel like you've struggled with in your healing?
Speaker 2:Not well, i guess finding where those things stem from because it points to childhood, it points to possibly maybe that kid. There was something he didn't get, that he needed and bringing that feeling into my adult life now has been so heavy, and I think that's where everything has stemmed from and I think the hardest part in that is realizing that nobody's to blame for it.
Speaker 1:You know, like do you feel like things would have been different or like you would have gotten what you had needed if you had expressed yourself to your family at a younger age?
Speaker 2:I think, if I thought your feelings yeah, i think if I could have found a way to verbalize what I was feeling, because, i mean, i will tell you, there were plenty of times when my mom or my dad asked me, like what's going on, like they would notice a change in my behavior, and I did not know how to vocalize these things because they were so heavy or so foreign to me and it just from what I was used to on a day-to-day basis. Those feelings and those things going on did not fit in there and they were not safe and they were not comfortable. So, yeah, i didn't want to. Not only did I not know how to vocalize them, even if I knew how I didn't want to.
Speaker 1:Right, were you like scared of how they would react, or maybe not be so accepting?
Speaker 2:I guess the reason I never really said anything was because I didn't want to seem weak even at that that age, yeah, i didn't want to seem weak, i didn't want to seem like I couldn't handle myself. That little kid, that poor little kid, was bullied for being different, was outcasted for being the weird one or being the outspoken one. You know a lot of people tell me I don't talk that much. When I was younger I talked a lot. You could not shut me up.
Speaker 1:Is that why you don't talk?
Speaker 2:Yeah, people, people were like you sound like a girl, you talk like a girl or you know you you act like a girl, all these things right. And so that little kid shut himself up. So, yeah, i mean, if that little kid could have spoken up and said that, maybe things would have been different.
Speaker 1:But it makes me sad to think that you feel like you had to be silenced, or like you were you talked too much, or like you were annoying, or like you were just different. You know what I mean. Like yeah because that does have an effect on you when you do get older.
Speaker 2:Because you feel?
Speaker 1:like you have, like you always. You still feel like that small child. No matter how old you get, you still feel like that small little child literally just layers of us yeah, they're always there yeah they're always there.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and yeah I sometimes. I mean I think I talked to my younger, my inner child, more now than I ever thought to do before, but yeah, i probably would have. I mean, if I could have told him something at that time, i would have said don't, don't, shut up, for nobody. Like you got something to say, say it that's right that's why 32 year old Donovan has a podcast he's got things to say no, exactly, you know, i know we've never really been like that close to friends.
Speaker 1:We've had like the same smallish social circle, mm-hmm. But I do see a lot of growth in you, thank you what I knew of you about 10, 12 years ago.
Speaker 2:I appreciate that. I see it in you too you know it's 30s.
Speaker 1:We're 30 flirty and thriving yeah, it's.
Speaker 2:I think it's so beautiful, like I think if you would ask any, if I ask anybody, i know I'll get the same answer that we would have thought we'd be somewhere so completely different than where we are right now definitely for sure but I think it's so beautiful to think like but I'm here, though, like I wouldn't change a thing.
Speaker 1:I agree. I agree. It's crazy how life just kind of carries you like. I'm telling you, like the thing I said earlier time flies, but you're the pilot right yeah.
Speaker 1:I can't unsee it. I read it like last night actually, and now I'm just it's been stuck in my head. It's like, yeah, you know time flies and you know what are we gonna do with the time that we have now, because we're really not guaranteed tomorrow at all, next week, next month, next year? it's like, are we gonna go through life sad, miserable, full of anxiety? of course, sometimes those feelings are inevitable and they happen, right, but it's just having to work through it and knowing it'll be okay yeah we're gonna get through it thank y'all so much, thank you.
Speaker 2:Thank you for having me.
Speaker 1:I. You know it's so cool to kind of be like on a podcast because I had told on him earlier, i've never really went to listen to podcast but as a recently I've been listening to one and so it's always kind of cool when they have guests on.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I know I love it, i feel like I'm their friend and I'm just listening.
Speaker 1:So this is very. When she reached out, i was very surprised, very, very surprised, and I appreciate it. I appreciate y'all come yes, absolutely, you're so perfect. You are, you are, and I really truly hope that somebody sees what we see in you.
Speaker 2:I will tell you this because of the work that we're doing on ourselves.
Speaker 1:Yes, the right person will see, yes, the light in us, they will and it you're right, it's the right person. Yeah, that's why I'm like I, like I said earlier, i feel like I'm attracting like the wrong people, but it's like it's just acknowledging what the bad eggs are and yeah, right and realizing what you are willing to put up with it, which I'm willing to put up, i know you probably think my standards are low, but they are not, honey.
Speaker 1:I'm sorry you got to come more with, just a higher. What are you doing? yeah, thank you, come correct yeah, come at all thank you, i'm like no, and a bunch of these men these day. They want to be chased around. I'm sorry, little mama. No, i'm not doing it. So absolutely not. Y'all maybe sassy as hell, i might chase one man I might chase one and he's sitting across from me like I gave that up years ago. That's part of my healing job. You're growing, evolving.