Don-ations
Don-ations is the place you come to when you want to slow down and make sense of it all. It’s for the overthinkers, the feel-everythings, and anyone trying to grow without losing who they are. Some weeks it’s just me, other times I’m joined by friends who bring their own stories and perspectives. Together, we dive into the moments of love, healing, friendship, identity, and the messy middle of growing, and turn them into reminders that you’re not behind, you’re just becoming. I’m not here to fix you. I’m here to think it through with you.
Don-ations
Disarming Ego & Embracing Heart: A Perspective On People Pleasing, Heartbreak, & Validation
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In an age where we're constantly connected, it's easy to get swept up in the riptide of seeking approval and acceptance. Remember, it's not about proving anything to anyone; it's about nurturing and celebrating self-love.
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Challenging External Influences on Self-Worth
Speaker 1Because who doesn't want to prove someone wrong right ?
Speaker 1Who doesn't want the chance to show someone all they're missing out on after deciding their life would be better without us ? What's up , guys ? Welcome back to donations . It's your host , donovan , and I just want to say I'm super grateful you pressed the play button . Thank you for joining me today . I hope that the day is treating you right and that you're relishing in all things good .
Speaker 1Alright , guys , we all know I've always been a huge advocate for mental health and really leaning into the time and intention it takes to care for yourself , especially when it comes to the times in life that we face hurdles and heartache or forks in the road or any kind of struggle or time of uncertainty . And I've also said , even when things are good , I think we should still be taking care of ourselves . First and foremost , with the amount of information , both positive and negative , that we come across or feed ourselves with on a daily basis , social media included , and how many interactions again , both good and bad that we find ourselves in , it's especially crucial to emphasize our well-being , especially when a lot of that external stuff can have a huge influence on our actions , how easily it all can convince us of who we need to be and the kind of things we should or shouldn't be doing , how and where we find validation and acceptance . It all can definitely be a double-edged sword , and the list feels endless when it comes to what exactly triggers the wars that go on inside of us , the things that make us question whether we're in the right company , whether we're on the right track and , if not , not only what our next step needs to be , but what direction it needs to be made in . So , for the sake of long lists of things we remind ourselves of on a daily basis , I've created yet another long list , but this one being all the ways in which I , you , we let all those external voices creep in and have us acting out of ego instead of heart . Okay , well , it's not that long of a list , but I'm hoping it can be somewhat validating in itself and bring to light some of the ways in which we jeopardize ourselves and allow others and ourselves to lead us further away from our heart First up , starting out strong .
Speaker 1How many times after a heartbreak have we gone straight to social media and posted about our first night out in months on every single platform ? We'll post plenty of shots being taken on Snapchat , maybe a seductive selfie on the Facebook timeline because we feel good about what we see in the mirror again , and throw in a thirst trap on Instagram with the caption being a lyric from a popular song talking about how I'm better off without you and you're missing out . And when we post those things , lo and behold , guess who comes speaking around the corner to see what we've been up to , the minute we hit share on those posts ? Yep , the infamous ex , the very ex that disappeared without a trace , leaving us to pick up the pieces , and who we knew might pop up . As if that wasn't our intention to begin with when we posted these posts , as if we didn't know that showing someone on all social media platforms what they were missing out on wouldn't have them wandering back to see what's up . Because who doesn't want to prove someone wrong right ? Who doesn't want the chance to show someone all they're missing out on after deciding their life would be better without us ? And along with that , all those instances we keep thinking about and replaying in our heads over and over where we may or may not have made a fool of ourselves in the relationship and how we're so much better than that , and we must redeem ourselves for those times , or the times that someone brings out the worst in us and in that worst
The Power of Authenticity and Self-Worth
Speaker 1we decide .
Speaker 1Being spiteful or vengeful is a way to gain power over someone who hurt us and who doesn't want the chance to show the very person who said we were too needy or crazy or just too much or not enough , that actually we are enough , more than enough , actually , and a damn good catch that you deserve to regret letting go , which side note you are not too needy . If anyone says you are , it's just because they don't have the bandwidth to meet those needs , and settling is just not the card for us Now . I very much wanted the chance to show someone what they were missing out on , but what I recently learned , having just gone through some heartbreak myself , is that even if that was the point of it all for those that decided to leave our life to see how great we're doing now and come back and express how big of a mistake they made , 9 times out of 10 they'd be coming back as the exact same person , the same person who treated us badly or didn't recognize what they had when they had it , so posting selfies or trying to manipulate them to come crawling back isn't where we realize our true worth .
Speaker 1Trying to be spiteful or vengeful is not going to grant us freedom from any kind of hurt . It's only going to cause more , with some guilt thrown into the equation . Things like that are nothing but actions based out of ego , and it's ego that makes us think we need to prove our worth to those who didn't see it to begin with . It's ego that makes us seek that validation from others . How many times , after being treated like crap or being taken advantage of , have we said out loud I deserve better , but then resort back to the very person that took advantage of us in the first place , because we subconsciously allowed them to dictate our worth and in turn allowed our ego to tell us that's who we needed to seek redemption with . But when we open up ourselves to the idea that true love and true validation and acceptance starts with us , within us , then , and only then , can we lead with the heart and see that any and all validation we've been seeking has been here within ourselves all along . It's when we lean in with our hearts that we finally understand . It's not about anyone seeing what they're missing out on . It's about loving ourselves first and foremost , and when it comes to relationships , it's about having been loved correctly from the beginning and sharing all the best parts of ourselves from that moment on , not after posting a selfie on social media , having someone coming crawling back . The work that we put in and the time we take to heal and grow and evolve after such heartache is all the redemption we need , and it starts when we let go of ego and let our hearts do the talking and gain the understanding that life is better now because what wasn't meant for us left and because we validate and love ourselves first . It's better now because we're not having to cry and beg for just an ounce of reciprocation or consideration , or having to craft the perfect social media post for someone's attention . It's better now because we look in the mirror and we see the person we always knew was there , the person that is not only deserving of all the love and reciprocation and consideration that we've always dreamed of , but who has had it within themselves all along and realizes that now because they're living in their heart .
Speaker 1Second on the list . How many times have we undervalued ourselves ? I know that can sound like it's the opposite of having a big ego , but I think it's those very external voices I mentioned that set ridiculous , unprecedented standards that we've allowed to convince us we don't meet . So , therefore , we go into any interaction with others thinking we bring nothing to the table or thinking we aren't adding any value to the interaction , and then we end up becoming either a shell of a person closing in on ourselves with nothing on the inside , or one hell of a people pleaser leading with the parts of ourselves that we think would appease those we're interacting with most , so that we're accepted , or , worse yet , creating a fake version of ourselves to be liked and validated .
Speaker 1If that's not acting out of ego , I don't know what is . It just feels like quite a lot to keep up with Having to create a version of myself that fits in with others . That might possibly be the furthest thing from who I actually am . Just to leave said interactions and end up beating ourselves up for maybe acting too weird or saying something that gave us away , and maybe they're talking about us now behind our backs and we weren't as accepted as we thought . That sounds pretty exhausting to me , and it's one of the biggest reasons why I preach to those closest to myself , and especially to myself , that being your authentic self is the best way forward and will be the very thing that allows you the chance to find your people , your tribe . But I get it . We're human and as a human , more often than not things are easier said than done .
Speaker 1So , speaking of tribes , I know firsthand how easy it is to undervalue ourselves , with friends too , and question what value we bring yes even to those relationships . I know all about the times we've felt like a burden to our friends when we vent to them or have expressed how we feel about a certain situation for the hundredth time and then apologize like a million times afterwards because we know sounding like a broken record is getting real old . I know all about the times we feel like we don't actually provide them with any substance when we hang out , that sometimes we feel like we're kind of just there and maybe it wouldn't have made much of a difference if we showed up or not , and how . Not showing up is totally fine and understandable when it's our friends that can't make it , for whatever reason , because they have a life and in life things happen . But the ridiculous hoops will jump through and the stress will put ourselves under , even with life and things happening all to make sure that we show up because we don't want to disappoint anyone or suggest to anyone that we aren't a stand-up person , but also , even with showing up , that maybe we were too quiet or maybe said the wrong thing at the wrong time when they needed advice the most , or maybe we didn't say enough or we just said what we know they wanted to hear , even though it was advice that we don't necessarily agree with or think is the best to give them in their situation .
Speaker 1Again , people pleasing Trust me when I say this . The right people will give you the space to be your authentic self and will see the value you bring , even if sometimes you don't see it yourself . That's what a good tribe does . They tell you and keep telling you of what you and your friendship provides them , and they continue to do that without hesitation or irritation . Just the same way you don't mind doing things for your truest friends trust that they don't mind either , and the space that you allow them to show up authentically is just as appreciated as a space they've given you , that you're so appreciative of , and they'll understand that the people-pleasing part of us is something we're aware of and we are working on , and that any of that that we direct in their way is just us trying to be the best friend we can be . I swear this list could go on and on with ways that we let our ego win , and maybe it'll be continued at a later date .
Speaker 1But third and final point for now how many times have we said yes to something that we really wanted to say no to ? We don't want to let someone down or its second nature to people-please and put our wants and needs aside and put someone else's first . Sorry to say , but that's ego too , assuming someone would be so disappointed in us if we didn't live up to their expectations . Whatever relation it is friend , family relationship , whatever even to the extent of it being at the benefit of someone we don't even know , someone we think we need to impress , thinking we'd be seen in a negative light and shut out by those we care about most if we put ourselves first for once and said no to something .
Speaker 1I am a perfectionist , sometimes to a fault , and when I'm operating from ego and intentionally trying to deliver my perfect self that I find I leave myself behind , I sometimes forget to just let myself be . I let what others might think , what others might want get in the way . And then I lay my head down at the end of the day , only to find I'm unable to sleep because I'm pissed off for my needs having to go unmet that day . And then I start looking for something or someone to blame . But it's no one's fault , but my own , for thinking I'd be seen in a more flattering light because I appeased someone else Again out of ego , for the sake of gaining external validation instead of operating from the heart and showing myself my needs are important and should be met too . Maybe then I'd get a better night's sleep . Right , we have to remember to ask ourselves what does the heart want ? And I know that sounds cliche or corny as hell , but that's where I think authenticity comes from .
The Power of Living Authentically
Speaker 1When you're living authentically , you find things like stress and worry slip off the shoulders a little easier , and I know how tough it is to feel feelings and process emotions and get to the middle of what the heart wants , because facing what we feel can be scary , but avoiding those feelings will inevitably keep us in our head and ultimately , is the action that will keep us in pain . Remaining in our heads in the times life calls on us to follow our heart is what jeopardizes us finding certainty after uncertainty . It's what keeps us from processing the kind of feelings that can keep us stuck repeating hurtful patterns and toxic cycles . And in that headspace we risk hurting those closest to us by projecting those hard feelings that we haven't dealt with on to the outside world , all for the sake of being validated or being seen in a good light or being told yes and not no . And I know how easy it is to make the argument that following the heart can also put us in unfavorable situations , when we're just trying to love and be loved in return , but yet still find ourselves in tough situations or at rock bottom .
Speaker 1But the more we realize that following the heart also means drawing boundaries , not only for others but for ourselves too , and realizing that acting out of the heart means not chasing , not begging , not demanding and not convincing , then , and only then , can we begin to see the times we allow society or external voices or things we think we need or need to prove or anything along those lines . It's just allowing ego to tread all over the heart . If you find yourself questioning your next steps , I urge you to lead with your heart . It's in that space that you'll find less regrets and more understanding and acceptance . Taking steps from the heart can do a hell of a lot more when it comes to navigating and living a fulfilling life . Remember that in the spaces and places that there is no pressure to show up with ego , there is plenty of food to feed the heart . Until the next one , my friends , be careful .