Don-ations
Don-ations is the place you come to when you want to slow down and make sense of it all. It’s for the overthinkers, the feel-everythings, and anyone trying to grow without losing who they are. Some weeks it’s just me, other times I’m joined by friends who bring their own stories and perspectives. Together, we dive into the moments of love, healing, friendship, identity, and the messy middle of growing, and turn them into reminders that you’re not behind, you’re just becoming. I’m not here to fix you. I’m here to think it through with you.
Don-ations
Don-sessions: The Labyrinth of Love: A Discussion on Growth, Boundaries & Fear feat. Tereza
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Have you ever found yourself bending over backwards to please everyone around you, only to lose sight of your own happiness in the process? If so, this episode is for you. Join Tereza and I as we discuss the importance of knowing your worth and setting boundaries in relationships, as well as reiterating the significance of self-love. Music by Coma-Media from Pixabay.
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Drawing Boundaries and Self-Love in Relationships
Speaker 1I know that you're a good person and I know that you have good qualities , but if I take you to someone's house , I don't think they're gonna like you , and that's not okay with me , because I want everyone to like you . You know it doesn't matter me loving you . Is it good enough ? Everyone has to love you . Does that make sense ?
Speaker 2Yes , what's up ? What's up ? Welcome back to the show , my friend . I'm so glad you're here . Today marks the very special , very exciting start of season 3 of Donations , and I can't thank those of you that have tuned in up until this point enough . It's been an amazing ride so far and I can't wait to see how much we grow from here .
Speaker 2In today's episode , I'm joined by my amazing friend , teresa Gonzalez . Teresa is a certified safety professional , taking names left and right , an animal lover running her own chicken farm and A mom to a two-year-old who is already showing the same amount of tenacity in spirit as his mom . Once Terry and I hit the ground , we just started running and what transpired is this beautiful conversation around relationships and growth and love , showing mutual respect and drawing boundaries , and I just know you're gonna get something very worthy out of it . We thoroughly hope you enjoy .
Speaker 2I did want to say really quick I I Appreciate you a lot . You know there have been a lot of things that I've put in a couple of previous episodes that have been like things you've said to me and you said something to me recently . I don't want to dive too much into it because I'm expanding on it in a later episode , but you said something to me recently that was really eye-opening about how I Don't always need to show that I'm the better person , that if I am the better person , that someone else will know that , and I really appreciated that . It really put a new perspective out there for me .
Speaker 1Did you give me a shout out ?
Speaker 2No , no , I said that , my friend told me , but I'm you're shouting you out right now .
Speaker 1Oh , hate me . I Think that , going back to that conversation , I know I know what you're talking about , but I think it's just about Some people just don't appreciate what they have , and I know they're like people say oh well , people don't appreciate it until it's gone . But I think that some people just don't Appreciate it ever . I think that it's never like this eye-opening Thing for them .
Speaker 2Mm-hmm .
Speaker 1Does that make sense ? It's not like , oh my god , I lost am , I lost her and I'm just never gonna be okay . I think it's just some people just don't care , and that's why you kind of have to pick and choose and I know that sounds cold , but I think it's just one of the things that I've learned . Truly , it's just like closure with someone you're not always gonna get it . I think sometimes closure can be harder than Not having . Not having it then then having it , if that makes sense .
Speaker 1Oh , because I feel like it's gonna lead to more , to more questions .
Speaker 2Yeah , absolutely . I think a lot of people think we need closure , but I think what , sometimes , when we seek it out too much , all it does is just feed that , that hunger , and then it's like , well , now I want more , I just want more . And yeah , like you said , it just leads to more questions and maybe not getting closure is probably the best thing in terms of moving forward . Then you don't need it . And , yeah , it is kind of sad to think that there isn't a very eye-opening moment for somebody to be like oh , I just lost one of the best things in my life and they were so good to me that it's not always that , and sometimes the realization that might be there is Just like , oh , someone's not doing these things for me anymore or someone's not Providing for me in this way , and it's a very selfish Way to look at it .
Speaker 1I think that with you , though , you , you want to be the bigger person , you want to be kind , and I don't think that everyone deserves that . I think that you , you know who you're dealing with , and there just comes a point where you have to pick and choose who , how you are with everyone , if that makes sense that does make sense .
Speaker 2You know , I always thought that I I always thought being the bigger person was being nice to somebody regardless and Giving some of the benefit of the doubt regardless , seeing the best in them regardless . But I think at this point in my life I realize being the bigger person also means being the bigger person for yourself and stepping in for yourself and Just drawing that boundary and saying like you know , I don't always have to respond , I don't always have to give you the time of day , and that doesn't mean I'm a bad person or that doesn't mean I'm being cold , that just means I'm Keeping my peace over here .
Speaker 1I think , more than ever . That means that you , you , you know definitely it's I care about you , but I love me .
Speaker 1And it's always been . You know I love , I love you , but I love me more . But I , I think at the point you have to have peace within yourself Because at the end of the day , you know they're not sitting at home holding you while you cry , or or you know being what you need , what you needed from them and they weren't able to give you . Yeah , just about learning to walk away . At that point we're we're not old , obviously , but we're not kids anymore . You know we're .
Speaker 1This is not junior , high , high school , love and games . It's just I'm getting older and I'm looking for that , someone that Can give me what I I need from them and what I know can be reciprocated . And if you can't give me that , at this point I choose me and I choose to walk away , and that should be good enough for all of us . If you would like to give me some sort of explanation or express yourself Towards me , then I , you know , I'll accept it because I am still a kind person , but at the end of the day , I don't have to do anything .
Speaker 1Yeah you just have to draw those lines , set your boundaries , because I Think the day that you feel like you're gonna be tied to someone is the day that you know that Everything that you give is gonna be given back to you 100% .
Speaker 2Yeah , absolutely . It brings to mind the thought like if you couldn't step up for me back then or back whenever , and like what are you gonna do to step up to me now ?
Speaker 1Like no , I'm not gonna be you know one call away anymore . And , like I said , it's just , you have to decide to step back at that point Because it's just , it's for your mental health , for your well-being , for your overall , because you can't tell me that Whenever you have someone or you know some , okay . So , for example , when you start something new and oh my god , they text me and you know you get excited when you see their name pop up on the screen , just the way that you that makes you feel , the way that you know you get excited , the happiness that comes from it . Whenever you say things start getting rocky , that affects your day as well in a negative way , and it's only affecting you . So why , why let it Take a toll on you ?
Speaker 2and I think that goes for all types of relationships , not just romantic , like it goes for friendships and for familial relationships , and I Think even to the extent of like professional relationships , work relationships , like I feel like I'm at the point with all of the above Starting , you know , with family and indeed off , obviously , and don't have a relationship
Learning to Prioritize Self-Love and Boundaries
Speaker 2.
Speaker 1But I am just done , at the point where if you are not not necessarily Serving me , because no one has to give you anything , right , your happiness it comes from you and and only you , unless you let it come from Anywhere else . But I think I'm at the point where if you're in my life and what I give to you is not reciprocated , then I don't think that I want you . It doesn't matter who you are , but I don't think that I want you in my life anymore . It's just . I think it's just a part of growing up and , just like I said , loving you first . And that's hard for a lot of people to do because you know you're like oh , they're my family . I have to , I'm stuck with them . No , not necessarily , because if they're making , if they're taking on men , if it's taking a mental how do I say it ? It's mental toll , is that ? Is that the correct , correct way to say it ?
Speaker 1Yeah on you and and you know they're stressing you out and I mean it's just why my deal with that make make your own happiness .
Speaker 2Yeah , I mean , if you see yourself putting in that effort and it not being matched and it's like there's only so much you can give right , and it's like when do you start pouring back into yourself ?
Speaker 1and I feel like With you and I a lot , we're very similar in that aspect of how we are with people and how hard we love . But I think that you're still so kind-hearted that it's still gonna take you a little bit more , like someone has to push you just a little , and I don't want that for you , obviously . But I think it's gonna happen and I think that you're gonna 1000% truly understand when I tell you you know , just love you and worry about you and do you , because I mean you can't Make everyone happy and that's just . That's just the truth at the end of the day .
Speaker 2Yeah , you know that used to be so heavy on me . It's not as much anymore . But the idea of not being able to like make everyone happy , at least like family members and like best friends and close relationships like that like if I . Used to be so heavy to think that I couldn't make every single one of those people happy at the same time . And Now , like you say , like I love you , but I love me more , I've found .
Speaker 1I care about you .
Speaker 2Oh , I care about you .
Speaker 1It depends on the person . I care about you but I love me and it depends on obviously there every relationship is different . Some people you love , some people you care about acquaintances . But yeah , go on , Sorry .
Speaker 2Yeah , no . Yeah , I was just gonna say I have found so much love for myself this past year that that I'm starting to do . I feel like I'm starting to realize , when someone is pushing me a little bit more than they should , to that point when it's like , okay , I'm gonna have to stop being the nice guy . But I'm realizing how , how necessary it is sometimes just to be like no and that and that's it . You don't need an explanation .
Speaker 1My answer is just no and I Understand that 1000% because I I have gone back and I mean you know you Things happen , and then you kind of go back in your head and you're like , oh god , why did I say that ?
Speaker 2Yeah .
Speaker 1I was , I such a bitch and this and that and you know . But I look at everything that's happening . I had this , this conversation , the other day with someone , and it was a family member , and I said I told them . I said , look , I said what I spoke . It wasn't a lie . Whether they liked it or not , you know that's on them , but it wasn't a lie . I was just speaking the truth and they just don't like it . And I think that's what's hard , and it gets harder because I think people see you as as Dura you know , I guess hard would be the right word in English , but it's not . You're just . You get to a point where you just can't take it anymore .
Speaker 2Yeah , and I think it's such a dramatic thing for the other people , like when you know we're used to being the nice guy or the nice girl , you know it's so hard for the other people to see us as being mean or saying things straight , outright , like telling the truth , telling things the way they are , telling it like it is . It's hard for other people to see us that way because that doesn't fit in what they know as like what their life is who you are .
Speaker 2Yeah , in their life , the way they see the world , you look a certain way and when you step outside of that , it's like whoa , who is this person ? And it's like this is me taking a stand for myself .
Speaker 1Yes , and you have to because if not , you're just going to keep getting walked all over and , at the end of the day , like I said , it's just it affects you and no one else .
Speaker 2Yeah , you know , and that is so upsetting to me . I mean , trust me , I'm right there . I'm like I'm not going to let these people walk all over me anymore . I'm not going to , you know , let things slide anymore . But it's so disappointing to me sometimes to see some of the closest people to you , like Disappoint you so hard .
Speaker 2Yeah , and I'm sure I'm sure I've disappointed some people in my life too and I take accountability for that 100% . You know , and I've tried to take the opportunity to apologize the times that I've been granted the chance to or the times that I've been , you know given the If you were in the wrong , yeah , if I'm in the wrong .
Speaker 2Right , yeah , exactly , but you know it's so hard it is . It's so hard to have these people so close to you , disappoint you , and I feel like I've had more instances than that than one should have this past year . But it's taught me a lot . It's been some of the biggest lessons I've learned .
Navigating Life's Challenges and Relationships
Speaker 1I mean , life is hard in general .
Speaker 1We really make it harder on ourselves because you feel so much all the time and I know not everyone is like that , but you know , I know you are and I know I am to an extent no , I guess but you feel so , so much for you just want to , you want to fix everything , you want everyone to be happy , you want everyone to love you , you want , you know , whatever everything to go right for you , for them , and it's just , it's impossible all around for family , for love , for even for work .
Speaker 1And I think that , like I was telling you at first , whenever I started , I mean , I've always kind of been malvy , you know , but I feel like I'm just at the point now where I'm just like , uh , kind of like diarrhea of the mouth , kind of like maybe sometimes I should cool it . But the thing is that I don't , I'm not lying and I think that that's what makes me feel okay about it , because I've said some things and I'm like you know , you could have just kept that to yourself . But then , at the same time , I always told myself I didn't lie about it . You know , I was honest .
Speaker 2I think for me , the first step is just speaking up right and saying something , not letting things slide anymore , yeah .
Speaker 1I mean , that's a step , though that's a big step for someone who loves so hard .
Speaker 2Yeah .
Speaker 1And I used to . You actually went with me to get this tattoo done .
Speaker 2Yeah , I remember .
Speaker 1And it says fight hard , love harder . And I don't regret the tattoo , I mean , you know , but I feel like it's kind of reversed now . But I feel like it's not 100% true anymore , because you know it's like fight for what you want and fight , and you know it should be love hard , fight harder , because no one's going to fight for you like you're going to fight for you .
Speaker 2And .
Speaker 1I think as we grow up , you've pictured this beautiful life , this happiness and this yada yada yada . Sometimes that's just not how it works .
Speaker 2Yeah , no , I don't think it ever works that way . I mean , I think even what I guess if , like we were to , when we look online or something or we see the people that are featured in whatever TV show or whatever like it may be portrayed , that they're living a beautiful life and they , you know , they've got the dream that we are the life that we dreamed of living at one point . But I think even those people too , like nothing's perfect , there's things that aren't so beautiful about their lives too . I don't think anybody has that perfect , beautiful life that they've always wanted . Not to be pessimistic or anything , but I mean I think there's , there's beauty .
Speaker 1No , I think you're being realistic .
Speaker 2I think there's beauty in everything right , and even though not everything's perfect in life , there are still things to be grateful for and things to find beauty in . But I don't think people have that perfect life .
Speaker 1I mean life is . I don't think life is going to start being hard ever , so it's just about learning how to ride the wave .
Speaker 2Yeah , absolutely , and you've got this . You've got this tenacity that I gave you so much credit for .
Speaker 1I think that I've been , I've been lacking a lot of motivation lately , like I know , 1000% . I have been , and I need to get back to that too , because I know that you know the kind of people that we are very passionate and and it's kind of like we've . I feel like I don't want you to get offended , but you've let someone like dim your fire , dim your light , and it's like why and for me it wasn't a person , it was just , you know , just little pieces of life and it's like why , if it's , if it's not over , if there's more to it , if there's , you know , so many options and so many things that we can do like why , why let this one thing , this one person's , stop us ?
Speaker 2Yeah , I , I absolutely , you know , I feel like this is the most me I've ever been in a very long time , probably ever . But you're right , like sometimes throughout the day , there are little things that I'm like a little bit careful about , right , because of whatever external reason , like what someone might think or what someone might say , or how that may look to this person , how it may look to this person or how it may make this person feel , and there are small parts of my day where I and small parts of my day and small parts of me that are still a very there , are still very careful sometimes because of those external things . And it's like why , like nobody , nobody cares , everybody is just concerned with , honestly , their own life .
Speaker 2Nobody's like thinking about you and what you're doing , and yeah , so why ? Why are we so careful , or why am I so careful ?
Speaker 1It's just a part of who you are , just because you care so much and don't get me wrong , I mean I I get like that sometimes too . But at the end of the day and and I'm not saying everyone is like at the end of the day , who is worried about you Truly , truly , truly , truly . Does he have enough to eat ? Does he have you know running water at home ? Does he have you know essentials ? Does he have gas in his car ? Who worries about you to that extent at the end of the day ?
Speaker 1I know you know your parents or whatever , but I think that that's that's the way that I see things now , and I know that that sounds cold , but I think that I've loved hard enough for people to for me to know who is going to love me back as hard . Who it , who it is in your life that you would allow to have , I guess , that much impact on you . You worry about your needs at the end of the day , and if there's someone in your life , whoever it may be , that you care about the same and they can give you the same , then I think that's where it's like okay , you belong in my life .
Speaker 2I want to care , not that I don't care about my family in that way and not that I don't care about my friends in that way , but I want my own special person to care about in that way . But I guess it's like there are parts of myself that I'm still careful about because of how it may make someone else feel it's like I , for this special person that I want to feel that caring about that . I care if you ate , I care if you your tank has gas , but I don't ever want you to feel like you have to be careful about what you do or who you are because of me .
Speaker 1Okay , so you , just you want having the same love , the same respect , but being comfortable in your own skin .
Speaker 2Yes .
Speaker 1But I'm understanding .
Speaker 2Yeah , absolutely .
Speaker 1I think I mean just imagine the day that we can come back and say we found it .
Speaker 2Yeah .
Speaker 1You know , I was just , I was just telling .
Speaker 2Uh , for the first time I was like , okay , I'm in front of mine the other day , like isn't it so exciting I mean , it does , trust me , there are some lonely nights and some very quiet nights , but isn't it so exciting to think about , like , how this is all going to play out , like how it's all going to unfold and how one day in the , in the future hopefully in the near future we can say remember when , when it was like , when it wasn't like this , when we didn't have these answers that we have now .
Speaker 1When it was something that we wanted , we just it wasn't attainable at the moment .
Speaker 2Yeah .
Speaker 1Do you believe in in the right person at the wrong time ?
Speaker 2You know , go ahead , I'll let you speak on it first .
Speaker 1It's hard for me to answer that because I feel like I've had different loves and I think that the person that I thought was for me now today , it's not that they weren't for me and it may just be that it was the wrong person , the wrong time , the right person right wrong , right person , wrong time . But there's a lot of things that I factor into it now , because you meet someone at a certain age and then when you finally , when you actually grow up , you kind of realize that you're not the same person , that they're not the people that you thought you were and obviously , when you have an emotional connection with someone , once that kind of dies down , you don't feel , you don't think the same way about them , you don't feel the same way , obviously , about them and everything just kind of shifts .
Speaker 1So I don't know how to answer that question , because the person that I would have told you was that person for me . I don't to this day , I don't think that they were the right person for me . So it's almost confusing because it makes me feel heartless , like have I ever even loved ? But then that kind of takes me back into another where the love that I felt for someone was much more grown up , much more mature , much more I was older , they were older , that one also . I'm glad that I didn't work out . So it's very hard for me to tell you whether I believe in right person , wrong time .
Speaker 2Yeah .
Speaker 1And I know that it leaves you with no answer . But some days I feel like I found the love of my life already , and it's not in another person , well , not an adult person , it's in a little person .
Speaker 2It is quite the question . I think I don't believe in right person , wrong time , because I think if it was the right person , then it wouldn't be the wrong time , right , like if it was the right person for you , then I think that would be the right time to establish that relationship . And people grow up and I mean people grow and people change and we evolve and all of that but I think if it was the right person , they grow alongside with you Grow along with you .
Speaker 2Yeah , and I know we all grow and evolve in different seasons and life , but I think and that may even still be different in a relationship , it may be at different times when you're in a relationship with somebody but I think if your partner is growing and evolving , then I feel like if that's the right person for you , you would feel motivated to grow right along with them and they'd be there saying , hey , I want you to come with me on this journey , right ? And if you were growing , you were the one growing and evolving , then you'd do the same for them , right ? And you'd motivate them to join you and call on them to join you and hold out your hand for them to join you . And so I don't think there is a right
The Sad Reality of Changing Relationships
Speaker 2person . Wrong time , probably 22 , 23 year old Donovan would have said yes , absolutely , and as , after so much time passes , I'll meet this person again and we'll come back together and it'll be the perfect time .
Speaker 1But it's so crazy because we don't . We're on the same page 100% . I mean , I know I worded mine differently , but without even talking about this before you know , I didn't know that would be your answer .
Speaker 2Yeah , that is very much not the answer I would have said back then . And , yeah , now I think that , like people , you know , people change . So if it's like people grow and people turn into different things than we thought they could , or and we do the same thing too , right , we turn into different versions of ourselves that we never thought we would ever be .
Speaker 1Isn't that so sad , though , when you have this high expectation for someone that you know ? Just like I told you , you're like oh , I'm in love with you , like to see my life with you . I want my life with you and then you just grow up and then it's like , oh , you're not the person that I thought you were .
Speaker 2Yeah , it is sad , yeah , and yeah , it can be . It can very much be the reason we fall out of love with somebody or the reason someone else falls out of love with us , and it is really heavy . But I think I think the more we are aware of those things and the more we can learn and know ourselves about ourselves , the less it sucks , the less sad it is .
Speaker 1I wonder if , when we know , we kind of get like a life script of everything that happened or everything that we could have done to make it happen , does that make sense ? You know , sometimes people are like not to get real morbid , but like I'm gonna try to see my funeral , but like I wonder if when we go it's like okay , this is what happened .
Speaker 2Oh yeah .
Speaker 1See what you did . This is what you said . This is what would have happened if you would have said this . I wonder if that is something that we get to see , you know , if we get to know any of it at all .
Speaker 1Yeah because I think like the point to that is you know , we think about someone and say , oh , you know they . I used to love this about them and now I know who they are and I see them for what they are . But I wonder if it was the same the other way around . You know ? I wonder if I did something to turn them off to me . I guess , if that , I don't know if that's correct .
Speaker 2Yeah , I get what you're saying . I think that's possible , but I wouldn't say that's always the case , right , that we're always the cause of someone turning into something they're not like . But also it could possibly be that you know , sometimes when we meet somebody , we don't know somebody as well yet and we've got those rose colored glasses on right . Whether that's friendships or relationships or any kind of relationship , we've got those rose colored glasses on right and it takes a little bit and then we take them off and it's like , oh , I kind of see things as the way they are now and it's very sad because I thought you were different , but maybe you're not and it doesn't you're . That energy that you're carrying around , that I see you carrying around right now , doesn't really vibe with me , doesn't really fit into my life . But maybe we've done the same thing to other people too .
Speaker 1I feel like I've been going through that here , lately with exactly what you're talking about , with no person , and it's like man like you , I feel like as a younger individual , you know , like I said , it's like , oh my gosh , I'm gonna grow up and I'm gonna be in love and this person that I'm with I'm gonna be with them , and it's just . She just doesn't work out .
Speaker 2Yeah , and that sucks right . Yeah , it's probably more times than not that the things we want to work out don't work out .
Speaker 1Yeah , the one that you were just like . I prayed for this and I want this and I want to have this .
Challenges of Dating and Long-Term Relationships
Speaker 1But then you see these young couples that are together and they've been together forever . How long have your parents been together ?
Speaker 2Almost 50 years .
Speaker 1Okay , See , you see the cases like that and for you I'm sure that it's always been a relationship you look up to . And for me , my parents aren't together , obviously , so it's almost like you have this example in front of you and it's almost like why can't that be me ? Why hasn't that been me ? I'm getting older . Am I even going to freaking find a relationship long enough to be able to be married to somebody for 50 ? Years and I think about stuff like that .
Speaker 2Yeah , Me too . I'm over here like can I at least get 10 years ?
Speaker 1We're doing the math and shit .
Speaker 2Dang .
Speaker 1But it's just I don't know . So I'm always . I hear , lately especially . You know , everything happens for a reason and I think God does everything for a reason . And I think like , for example , how old would your mom have been when she met your dad ?
Speaker 2Well , they met in high school .
Speaker 1Okay , Well , 16 , 17 , somewhere around there , and if relationships can last that long there , then you know it's almost like well , why can't we have that , why can't everyone have it ? And some people just get really lucky . Maybe some people just wouldn't have been good , you know , alone , and they just that's just what cards they would go .
Speaker 2You know , I was just talking to another friend about this the other day that like , why is the dating world , why does it feel so different compared to the way it was ? Because you know the older generation , you know it was very much like you find somebody and you make it work and you stick together no matter what . And you , you know , if you get married , you do everything to everything , you can , everything in your power .
Speaker 1So you can't get a divorce ? Yeah , yeah .
Speaker 2It's frowned upon .
Speaker 2Yeah , exactly , that was about to say yeah . But I think now , and I think even even with those , some of the older relationships that got married , maybe they had to look past a lot of things but it was like no , you can't get divorced because that's frowned upon . Even if you're realizing now those rose colored glasses are coming off , and even if you realize that now that maybe this isn't the best pairing , like you have to do everything in your power not to get divorced because that's the wrong thing to do . I think we , I think our generations , these younger generations , now realize that , like there's a lot of factors that come into play and so maybe that's why dating is a little bit different now . But , like , also , one of the bigger problems with dating these days is there's , so there are so many people that you have constant access to . Like you get on the dating apps and it's like just a quick swipe and there's , you go from one person to the next and that person that you probably swipe , but it's also a lot of comparing .
Speaker 2Yeah , yeah , absolutely Comparing , and it's like someone else is right around the corner . So if someone does one thing wrong or something rubs you the wrong way or gives you the it Swipe next . Yep Next , and it's like there's someone else waiting right here .
Speaker 1I mean for all of us , not for all of us .
Speaker 2I haven't been that easy . I mean , I'm not saying that's the case for me , I'm just saying I think that's how people think . Is this like ? There's someone right , there's someone else around the corner and it's like no like .
Speaker 1The grass is greener on the other side .
Speaker 2Yeah , exactly .
Speaker 1And I'm glad that you bring that up , because the person that I'm thinking about right now I feel like a lot of it has to do with other people's perceptions of who they would be with I don't know whenever . For me , the only way that I can relate to it is , like you know , you work with different people , so you have to learn how to talk to different people , because not everyone takes in information the same and you know , some people have bigger feelings than others . I feel like this one person that I'm thinking about , like it's almost like you know they would be really good , um , like wife material , but it's almost like they would be good wife material , like at home , only because you know I have my work friends and then I have my drinking friends and they're not all the same friends , right ? So it's almost like they have to live up to your drinking friends and to your working friends and to your higher class friends and to your . You know what I mean .
Speaker 2Yeah .
Speaker 1And I feel like a lot of people , like you said , there's just so many options and it is like , oh well , it doesn't work out , I'm sure there's going to be someone else
Navigating Expectations and Comparisons in Relationships
Speaker 1. And I feel like , like I said , there's a lot to compare to and I feel like you have to be good enough Like for everyone else other than them . Does that make sense ? Like I know that you're a good person and I know that you have good qualities , but if I take you to someone's house , I don't think they're going to like you and that's not okay with me , because I want everyone to like you .
Speaker 2You know it doesn't matter Me .
Speaker 1loving you isn't good enough . Everyone has to love you . Does that make sense ?
Speaker 2Yes .
Speaker 1And I think that that's a big , big issue , because why does everyone else have to to see what you see ? Why does it matter ?
Speaker 2You want everyone to love you the way I love you . It's like you want everyone to be in a relationship with me .
Speaker 1Yeah , basically , yeah , yeah , basically , I don't know , I think some people . Let me just say this I think that a person that I'm thinking about specifically , I feel like that is one of the big reasons why it has not worked out now that we're older and mature because it's all . It's like you're good enough for me here , but you're not good enough for me in all these other places .
Speaker 2Oh , I'm sorry .
Speaker 1Does that make sense ? Yeah , absolutely , and I think that that comes with what you were saying . There's so many options and it's like I have to find the right person that meets everyone's expectations .
Speaker 2Everyone's . Yeah , that's really hard . I've experienced that before . It takes a lot for me to become comfortable around somebody and to be open and to talk openly with them , right , and to feel like I said , to feel comfortable . And there has been a time where someone has taken me around their family and it's the first meeting , right , and so I'm not necessarily going to talk to you the way that I talk to your family member , right , like it's not going to be the exact same . I might be a little bit more reserved , I might be a little bit more quiet the first couple of times , but I'll get there , right . Let me establish this relationship the same way I established it with you , right , but it made me feel very self-conscious and it almost made me feel like , ooh , I hope this doesn't change your perception of me , because I'm not talking to your family members the way I'm talking to you .
Speaker 1And that makes it hard , though , because it just goes right back to what you said . It's like , well , you know the last person that I brought you know they were cool with them the first time , but not everyone is the same person . Yeah .
Speaker 1Some people are more reserved . Some people are , you know , more outgoing , and it's just , I think that this , then this can go back to one of my other . I don't want to say flings , because it wasn't a fling , but I mean he was , he was silly , you know , it was just like whatever he was just like , you know , like was he going to pass the the bar ? You know ? No , most definitely not . But I didn't care because of the way that our relationship was . We had such a good relationship and we had such a good time . And it's like people will tell you stuff , because people are assholes regardless and they're going to give you your opinion , whether you want them or not . But I didn't care because I was happy . You know , it was a different kind of happy that I had not felt before .
Speaker 2And he made you feel comfortable regardless .
Speaker 1Yeah , it didn't matter what it was , it was just , it was just happy and I don't care if you like them or not , it's just I like them and that's good enough for me . And no one's like that , not everyone's like that , but I think if people would , just if people would see it that way and , I guess , just try to to not not have to live up to the expectations of today and , oh my God , is she gorgeous , is she this ? Does she have a good job ? Does they have , does he have a good job ? Or whatever it may be , or my friends , that we're going to like them the same as my friends at you know , my drinking friends . I mean , it doesn't matter . Why does it have to matter ? Why ?
Speaker 2can't we ?
Speaker 1just mind our business , be happy whoever we want to be happy with , and you know , I think that's the only way things work , and , like you were saying about , you know in the older days that it was like , well , you can't get divorced because it's frowned upon . But but what if that wasn't the case , though ? It's like I think that you , you can go into a relationship and say , okay , you know , this is what was destined for me , and I'm going to try to make this work , and it's it was just like . Nothing else matters anymore , as long as my relationship works here . I mean , you know what ? What ?
Speaker 1I'm trying to say is what if it wasn't looked ?
Speaker 2at negatively , yeah , yeah .
Speaker 1Maybe that's just why everything worked back then , just like I said earlier I think I think I said earlier , like life is hard and sometimes you just make it harder- yeah , there's a lot of pressures and the more we feed into them , the more it seems there are .
Speaker 2But it's like it could be so simple . I mean I know sometimes it's not that simple , but I mean , if we can just kind of strip away these pressures that are unnecessary , that society says things need to look this way or need things need to be this way and whatever , if we can just strip some of those unnecessary things away , life would still be hard , but maybe not as hard .
Speaker 1You know , the one thing that I can remember of one of my relationships was they would always hold the door open for me and that was such a small gesture , but always before you get in the car , when you get out of the car , and that was the last person that has ever held the door open for me , and that was years ago , and it's like not everyone is built to say might know . But , like I said , you just find the person that matches your energy .
Speaker 2Yeah , I'm I'm . Also . Someone very close to me who may be , may or may not listen to this told me recently why don't you just match energy ? And like that took on a whole another like I've heard that phrase before , right , but it , when he said it to me , that took on a whole another meaning at that point in time , because it's like , yeah , like I mean I'm , that doesn't just like match energy . Yes , yeah , that doesn't mean I'm gonna hold myself back or not be my authentic self , right , it just means that if you're not matching my energy and if this is clearly going nowhere because our energies don't match , then it's like , then I'm not gonna stop being me , I'm just gonna remove myself from this situation .
Speaker 1Yeah , and I think that that's really the only thing that we can do now the day .
Speaker 2so yeah , and it's hard , though right , because I get . So I get a little anxious about it , to be honest , because it's scary . Yeah , very much is scary because it feels like there are more people that you're not matching energies with than you are , and so it's like I know it's Because , if you were , we would be with them already .
Speaker 2Yeah , exactly , yeah . It does scare me a little bit because it's like , oh , another one that I'm not matching energies with another one , and God , that may sound bad . It may be like well , damn , how many are you trying to match energies with ?
Speaker 1Yeah , how many ? Because I didn't have any leads over here .
Speaker 2No , I just mean it's like . It's like when you're trying to match energies with someone and it doesn't work . It's like dang , it didn't work again .
Speaker 1Well , I understand what you're saying , though , because I mean we would be with that person already . It's just like , for it makes you feel impatient , because it's like God damn it , what am I doing , what should I do , that I'm not doing ? And then that just kind of goes back to what we just talked about . Everyone compares everything and anything to themselves .
Speaker 1Yeah , and it's looking hard , especially when you get on social media . Okay , you work out so hard all the time and you have a nice body and you do whatever you can , whatever you need , and you're so disciplined , you know , with your schedule , with everything , and I see you and I'm like God , I want to be like that . How many times have I told you You're just so disciplined . I need to be that way , but I know obviously you just supply yourself , but I can't compare myself to you because we're also in completely different situations .
Speaker 2Yeah , different walks of life , right , yeah , absolutely yeah . But yeah , to expand a little bit on what you were just saying like when people start comparing and all of that , when you're trying to match energies with someone or date someone , like I don't want the person that I'm trying to find that I match energies with , I don't want it to feel stressful or feel like I'm being compared or anything like that . Like I'm afraid that if it's so stressful I might get it wrong . I don't want it to be like this whole dating right now feels just like this giant process and this thing of this list of criteria you have to go through , and I don't want it to feel like that . I just want it to be easy , straightforward .
Speaker 1How do you make that the process when , like I said , you have social media and everything else to compare everyone to ?
Speaker 2Yeah , yeah , that's out of my hands . I just you know . I just got a hope that the person I meant to match energies with or just you know , we'll find our way to each other .
Speaker 1I mean , I don't even live in my damn house and I don't think that the Amazon drawer relax me very much because you know he's come around a couple times . It's just hard to wait . It's hard to wait with . It's hard to wait for what , in our mind , is supposed to be like the best part of your life , I guess . But then I could easily argue why does do we have to have love ? Is love going to be the magical ? Is love going to be what we need for our true happiness ? What if it's not ?
Speaker 2Well , I think you know what I've realized that love is literally all around us , and I know that sounds so cliche , but I've learned that , like that's probably going to sound weird , but I'm experiencing love right now , like you and I sharing these thoughts and these ideas on this podcast , on this just talking to each other .
Speaker 2Right now I'm experiencing love through this and I think sometimes we think love can only exist with a partner , with a partner in a relationship right , but like , love is literally all around us and we can experience it in so many different ways and we just have to be open to that . And I know some that may not sound fun or like the ideal kind of love , but I promise you if you lean into it it feels just the same . But yeah , maybe the relationship isn't always the answer .
Speaker 1Like who's to say , we're not going to be singing for the rest of our lives and we're just going to have our family and friends to , you know , to keep us afloat . Obviously I don't want that to happen , but the possibility you know , and you're right . I mean , we have love all around us every day , with different interactions with different people that are already present .
Speaker 2Yeah , just a day at a time , looking for the ways that we can experience love today , you know , in this moment , if it's not through a relationship . And you know , one thing I've kind of had my mind on recently is you know , say you know , say you and I both find that , find that relationship and that love that we're looking for in that person , that we match energies with right . There will come a time where it like it will get boring , like it's inevitable , right , that that initial excitement will wear off and and it'll just kind of become a day-to-day thing . What's that gonna be like ? I ?
Speaker 1Think that's just how bad do you want it and how much is this relationship I'm truly , I Guess worth to you , you know yeah , absolutely .
Speaker 2And and I feel like this is this is where it gets a little stressful for me , because I feel like If I'm in a relationship with somebody , if I get to that point where it gets boring , like regardless of it being boring , I'm in it , so like I'm gonna find ways to have fun even when it's boring , even when it's like Because that's , you yeah , and and I can only hope this where it gets stressful , I can only hope that they would feel the same way .
Speaker 1But that's when you , that's when you find the person that matches you and that is willing to fight for you . Hmm , yeah . But you're giving me a slow clap .
Speaker 2Yeah , absolutely .
Speaker 1It's just , I Don't know .
Love and Fear of Loneliness Exploration
Speaker 1Maybe We'll come back in a month , in a year , and listen to this conversation and we'll either be alone as far as not in a relationship , or well , I found someone , who , who we think is worth it .
Speaker 2Yeah , alone , not lonely , alone , not lonely sometimes lonely . Yeah , what would you say ? What's one thing you've changed your mind about when it comes to love , like what's one of the bigger things You've changed your mind about ?
Speaker 1Honestly , sometimes I feel like love isn't , isn't real . I feel like it's something that that I feel like this is gonna sound bad , but , like people who are with someone , I think they just don't know how to be alone and they're just used to someone so much that they they couldn't , they couldn't see them Not in their lives , if that makes sense and I know some people really truly do love each other but I know there's a lot of people that don't . They just stay with someone because they don't want to feel that loneliness and I feel like that's one of the biggest things is the couple of times that I've experienced quote love .
Speaker 1Today , I can tell you that I I'm not sure if it's true , if it's real I know that sounds like I'm just being a negative , nancy , but I don't . I Think that I have to experience it for myself , unless we're talking about you know mother's love for her child , or you know father or or anything other than a relationship , but I don't know if , if we truly need someone else to fulfill our happiness , if it's love for a Partner is real .
Speaker 2I get what you're saying . I believe love is real , but I understand where you're coming from . I know I have seen Very much two people love each other so genuinely that they mailed into this one person , this one being Maybe not one person , but this one being it's like I can't . I've seen people in love that I can't imagine apart , but I do know where you're coming from in the sense that I have seen I have very much seen people Stay in relationships that clearly aren't serving them the way a relationship should serve them , out of fear and For the sake of comfort and for the sake of knowing what to expect , even if it's what to expect is bad things .
Speaker 1But it's just like one of those things like I can tell you oh , I saw big , but but Are you gonna believe me if you haven't seen it for yourself ? And it's the same with love . It's like , okay , you know some people you know maybe in love , or they say they are in love , but I think it's just Human nature . Until I've experienced it for myself , I can't give you an answer on there .
Speaker 2That that makes sense . Yeah , I , you know , I've been in a relationship or two before and I I wonder Was it love ? You know , I said the love word and they , they said the love word to me too . But I wonder was it love ? Though ? Because I mean , obviously it didn't work out , and so because that didn't work out , it's like , well , I know , those things don't work , so when do you say love ? But I , I still think very , very worth diving into , and I was no , yeah , I Agree 100% .
Speaker 1I mean , it's not , like you know , love my life , I was not gonna my door . I'm ready .
Speaker 2I'm a sign for that package right away .
Speaker 1Amazon Prime , please . It's just Waiting for it , I guess , waiting for something to prove me wrong .
Speaker 2Yeah , yeah , I'm a still . I don't know if this sounds bad or not , but I'm a still . Dive headfirst into it . You know , I've it's in . It's interesting . I've learned some of the biggest , most beneficial lessons in my life because of relationships , I mean , obviously . But there's still a part of me that's like I Don't want to give anybody else any credit for that right . Like because I had an interaction with with someone romantically , I don't want to give them credit for whatever lesson I learned from that . Like that's all me . That's . That's like I learned that you didn't teach me that , I just learned .
Speaker 1Yeah , because you went through it . Yeah , I Mean take all the credit . You deserve to take all the credit because it was . It was a part of your life and it was . It was something that you learned and you took with you and you're going to continue to take with you . Just another step in stone In the road .
Speaker 2Yeah , you know , it's always interesting to see , like who who we become when we're in relationships , who we become when we have someone in front of us pushing our buttons Whether those are good buttons or bad buttons and who we become when we have someone triggering us . And who we become when we have someone triggering us and they stay , and who we become when we have someone triggering us and they leave and they leave .
Speaker 1Yeah just and , and it's so .
Speaker 2It blows my mind that we don't get to see us , we don't get to see what we're capable of until we have like , in that sense , right , like I can , I Can push myself to the limit every day , mentally , mentally , physically , spiritually . I can do that to an extent on my own every day , right . But there's a part of me that I will not learn about until I have someone in front of me Pushing those buttons .
Speaker 1Well , what happens when you have one person and you , you or you're telling yourself you know they're right for you and they're the most closed-off person ever and you're like I know that if you just opened up a little bit , this could work , this could be something . What happens then ? But you never get an answer for it .
Speaker 2Is that one of those cases where , if they wanted to , they would have , or or Is it gonna be a lost opportunity because I , I think it's , I think it's gonna be a lost opportunity for sure , but I think it's gonna be a lost opportunity on their part .
Speaker 1Well , for you too , though , because you're gonna . I .
Speaker 2Mean , I mean a lost opportunity . Yeah , I think in the sense that , like I won't get to know the kind of person I would have been if you had opened up , right , but that's a small loss compared to their loss of deciding to stay closed off and not open to experiencing
The Search for Love
Speaker 2love . I Think the more you open yourself to the idea of love , it's everywhere . It's everywhere .
Speaker 1Not only on the partner .
Speaker 2Yeah , absolutely and and you know it's kind of hard to say , but it's the truth I , you know , I've , I've , I've been in relationships and I've done , I've been in relationships that have spanned Significant amounts of time and I've been single for a significant amount of time , and sometimes the more or the most that the biggest feelings of love I've felt have been when I was single .
Speaker 2You're learning you and who you , who you are , who you want to be yeah , and I mean trust me , that feels great and all and , and I love being able to say that truck . I mean , I don't want to discredit anything . There have been great Feelings of love within relationships too , and I still remember those and I still hold those close to my heart . But I cannot wait until it's like this the big show the big show , yeah , this .
Speaker 1I think that that's what we're all waiting for . You know , and hopefully I'm telling you , hopefully I can come back and and say you know we had this conversation , and look at us now .
Speaker 2Yeah .
Speaker 1I've experienced it . I'm experiencing , I am happy , but I have also happy with myself as an individual .
Speaker 2Yeah , oh , oh , happy day . It'll be a day .
Speaker 1One day .
Speaker 2Hopefully soon , preferably sooner than later .
Speaker 1Oh lord , if you listen into this podcast right now .
Speaker 2Send the text again .
Speaker 1It doesn't matter if it's 1230 in the morning .
Speaker 2I'ma still answer .
Speaker 1I keep my phone on loud just in case you call .