Don-ations
Ever since I was a kid, I've always been called the sensitive one because of my inability to hide any emotion. Fast forward to my adult years and I'm no longer trying to hide what I'm feeling, I'm wearing my emotions like a badge of honor and using them as tools to help me navigate this crazy and chaotic yet beautiful life. This podcast is simple, I'm going to share simple stories that have taught me some great lessons. I'll share tips that I'm implementing to become the best version of myself. I'll share with you what's helped me navigate dating, relationships, family and friendship dynamics, love, and self discovery. And I'll dive into the human experience, whether just me or with guests, and hopefully shed some light, for you and me, on what the meaning of life just might be. I'm not trying to make it look like I have all the answers, I'm just trying to make it known I'm on this amazing ride too, right there by your side.
Don-ations
the shirt’s not the problem. it’s the part of me that thinks I can hide in it.
What started as reflection on a comfortable shirt has revealed something deeper: this struggle isn't really about weight at all. It's about the parts of us that seek comfort and hide when we've told ourselves we're not allowed to just live.
Whether your version of my red shirt is a hoodie, a hiding spot, or a familiar routine, know this: you're allowed to grow and change while still living your best life. You deserve to be seen before you're "ready."
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I'm allowed to grow and change and still live the best days of my life in that growth and change, and I shouldn't hold myself back from that. I shouldn't think that life can only be good when I fit everywhere. So so what is up, my friend? Welcome back to Donations. It's your host, donovan, and it feels so good to be back on the mic.
Speaker 1:I know it's been a while and, honestly, I do not have some big update, nor do I really have an explanation either. I've just been living, but now I have some things to get off my chest, quite a bit actually, so let's talk about it. There's been this thing weighing on me pretty heavily for a good minute now, and it's body image, and it's been hanging around and sitting with me like some kind of uninvited house guest, to be honest, and not the good kind, not the fun kind. It's one of the ones who refuses to leave, and don't get me wrong, I love guests, but this one, he's been here too long and he doesn't pay rent and he eats all my snacks and has the audacity to comment on my outfits to comment on my outfits. In all seriousness, though, body image is something I've struggled with for as far back as I can remember and there's a part of me that hesitates to even speak about it or to even say that out loud because the few times that I've felt comfortable enough to bring up the issues I have with body image, people typically respond with something like what are you talking about? As if I'm not allowed to have insecurities, like I can't have body image issues unless I look a certain way or hit a specific number on the scale. And I've just come to the conclusion that it's hard for someone on the outside to feel exactly what I'm feeling on the inside. So I stopped bringing it up altogether. I just keep it to myself. So keep all that in mind, right, and now let me tell you about my red shirt.
Speaker 1:I was out running this trail one day and the plan was since this trail was next to my parents' house that I'd get my exercise in for the day and then I'd head over there to hang out. That I'd get my exercise in for the day and then I'd head over there to hang out. So I did just that, and when I got there, the shirt I was running in was drenched in sweat, and that part I didn't plan out. So I figured I'd just have to deal with it until it dried. But when I got there, my dad said I shouldn't just sit in a wet shirt like that, and he offered me one of his and this was a long time ago I'm talking years ago but the shirt he let me borrow was this red shirt and I had just planned to wear it until I headed back home, but my time there wasn't long enough for my sweaty shirt to completely dry, and after drying off I wasn't really in the mood to put back on a sweaty, wet, cold shirt. So I just told him I'd keep his red shirt for the time being and wash it and bring it back to him, and he was just like, yeah, okay, like whatever, and I never took it back, not on accident, but on purpose, like, yes, on purpose, I admit it.
Speaker 1:I love this red shirt and I'm pretty sure he's maybe forgotten about it. Maybe forgotten about it. Actually I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't. But just anybody looking at this shirt would say it's a red shirt, it's just a simple red shirt. But to me it's perfectly oversized, it's soft and it's forgiving, and lately, years later, I've been wearing it so much, not because I'm out there running, but because my clothes feel tight, like every piece is trying to pick a fight with me, peace is trying to pick a fight with me. So oversized and soft and forgiving is exactly what the doctor ordered.
Speaker 1:Ever since I was little, I loved the safety of an extra oversized shirt from my dad's closet.
Speaker 1:I just loved the comfort it offered me.
Speaker 1:And this red one still makes me feel like that little kid a little bit.
Speaker 1:And this red one still makes me feel like that little kid a little bit.
Speaker 1:It makes me feel like I can just sink into it and safely hide from the world and hide from the pressures I put on myself, especially when things like my clothes are feeling a little too tight. And the pressure I put on myself to be this always-on version. And given that the shirt has been in rotation quite a bit recently when I'm just trying to chill at home, it's got me thinking about the times or phases of life that I've had this shirt but wasn't wearing it as much. Because, like I said, I've had it for a while now and I think about the times I wasn't wearing it right and I'm full on well aware that those were times when I was on it right, like I was leaner, I was stronger, my clothes were fitting, they weren't so tight and I felt confident and I even feel a little bit like people listened to me more then, or maybe I just thought they did because when things weren't tight, I finally felt like I deserved to take up space.
Speaker 1:And yeah, maybe those days just felt brighter, like they were lit up by hope and possibility and excitement, because I thought I looked the part. But you know, as life does right, it shifts. We aren't always on, we aren't always up. Priorities change, work gets wild, we get into a relationship, we eat out more and the weather got colder so we don't move as much. You know, it's the same thing, it's something we all go through and that was very much the thing for me.
Speaker 1:And weight, body image issues they crept up like a slow leak, not really dramatic, just enough. And look, I get it. I know how I'm selling it to you right now. That's life. It happens right. In the very general sense, it's normal. But also, yeah, duh, when eating cleaner and getting out there and moving isn't top priority, weight happens.
Speaker 1:I get it and I own that part right. There's a part of me that owns that. I know it's all my own doing and undoing. So cue the red shirt right. That's why it's been hanging around lately.
Speaker 1:But I don't want to become complacent in that. I want better than feeling like I'm stuck or hiding. I want better than thinking that all the good parts of life can only happen when I shed the unwanted weight. My ideal life or day-to-day doesn't include those things. Feeling comfortable and safe, yes, always, it includes that for sure. But complacent Not so much. And that line between those things, between safe and complacent, really started to blur for me each time I put on this shirt. So of course I mean you get fed up with it, right, and you get up and you put your shoes on and you tie your laces and you get to work. And I've been doing that. I've been putting in the work, I've been fasting, I've been running, I've been lifting, walking, eating cleaner, all that stuff right, all the things they tell you you're supposed to do, but somehow all the things they tell you you're supposed to do, but somehow I feel like I'm working harder than ever and seeing less results. It's like doing everything right and still feeling like you're getting nowhere. And a feeling like that really starts to wear on you. You not only get frustrated about your efforts in getting back to fitting into a certain pair of jeans, but your effort in fitting back into every other part of your life Like it starts to feel that big, and that was me. I was just wrecking my brain, trying to figure out why nothing was working. Why haven't I been seeing the progress I want to see? Why does it feel like my efforts are just being wasted? Why is something that worked for me before not working anymore? And what I'm uncovering in what has been a rollercoaster of a process is that it's not just about the weight, it's about what I've attached to it.
Speaker 1:Somewhere along the line, I started believing that I had to earn my dream life by looking the part. Isn't that just crazy? Isn't that just crazy? Like sure, you can have love and success and freedom and all the manifestations you've been repeating to yourself three times every day. You can actualize those things, you can have them and all your days can be beautiful, but only if you look like the version of you who deserves it. That's crazy, right.
Speaker 1:But I've been holding on to that belief and it's quite literally been poisoning me. It sneaks into everything, like it's there when I look in the mirror. It's there when I check my confidence. It's there when I'm trying to be creative, when I'm creating this podcast, when I take pictures that I don't post, when I make plans but then cancel them like it's all there in the parts of me. I start hiding, hoping no one notices the shift, and it makes me not want to show up, but somehow I still do.
Speaker 1:But it's quite literally stolen the joy from days that were perfectly good. It's this idea that I just don't want to be perceived or seen by anyone unless I look like a Pinterest board and I know that sounds so dumb when I say it out loud and it's so wasteful to let the opportunity of living this beautiful life just slip through my fingers like that. But man, when that storm hits, it gets ugly Like I get so ugly with myself I really become the worst person. I tear myself down piece by piece and it sucks because I know better than that. When it gets ugly like that, I speak with such emotion behind my words and I don't really mean to be that harsh on myself, but of course it's hard for my brain to decipher that. But of course it's hard for my brain to decipher that and I'm quite literally creating that reality when I do that. Our brains don't actually know the difference between a real threat and a perceived one.
Speaker 1:So when I hurl those thoughts at myself.
Speaker 1:Like they're true, my body treats them like a full-blown emergency.
Speaker 1:Like they're true, my body treats them like a full-blown emergency, and it's no wonder I feel like I'm in a constant state of stress, and all I can think to do is look for my red shirt and I tell you all of this today to declare really that I don't want to be that person, not just the person that hides, but the person that tears themselves down because they don't fit into something they once did.
Speaker 1:I'm allowed to grow and change and still live the best days of my life in that growth and change, and I shouldn't hold myself back from that. I shouldn't think that life can only be good when I fit everywhere. We're not meant to do that. We weren't put on this earth to fit every mold created by someone else's restrictions. And the more I sit with it, the more I wonder if this isn't really about weight at all, and not only that. I wonder if anyone else feels like this. If anyone else thinks they can't live their best life until they look a certain way or have certain things, or whatever it is, I wonder, when someone else doesn't feel their best, what gets them to show up anyway?
Speaker 2:I feel like when you're in this weird in-between space like you're not quite where you want to be, but you're also not where you were either it's important to still try and show up. And for me personally, I feel that having a set routine for the week, or even day by day, is helpful, and I feel like setting those small goals just hold me accountable and they make me feel accomplished when I actually finish them. And the second thing is I practice self-care. I feel like that's very important, making sure that I'm always ready. I do things for myself, like still get my lashes done, I get my hair done, I do my nightly routine, I'm working out and I eat some chocolate. Every now and then I just feel like I got to make myself happy from the inside to the outside. And then, you know, I just feel like I got to make myself happy from the inside to the outside, and all those things are just little moments that make me feel capable of still showing up, even when I don't want to.
Speaker 1:Like I said, maybe this whole thing isn't really about weight. Maybe it's about the parts of us that seek comfort when we've told ourselves we're not allowed to just live. When we put so much pressure on ourselves to earn a moment of rest or of ease or of joy, sometimes we forget that we're already worthy of it. Because it's not just about the red shirt Not really For you. It might be the oversized hoodie you always pack on trips, or your car where you blast music and cry and don't have to explain yourself. It could be the corner of your couch, or a certain playlist of your couch, or a certain playlist or a routine that looks like I'm fine but really just means I need a minute. We all have our version of the red shirt. The thing we turn to when the world feels tight and our self-worth starts shrinking, to fit the mold, and sometimes that thing helps. It offers shelter, it softens the noise, but other times it starts to blur and what once felt like comfort starts to feel like hiding.
Speaker 1:A journal prompt I found helpful was what do you reach for when you're not feeling like yourself and what does that help you carry and friend, if you've ever felt stuck, swollen, tired, invisible, like your best self, packed up and left the group chat same. You're not the only one, but know you're allowed to want more. Know that you're allowed to show up while you're figuring it out, not only after the fact. You're allowed to be seen before you're ready. Because, honestly, if your dream life requires you to be perfect before you can live it, that's not a dream. That's not a dream, that's a trap. And the red shirt, whatever yours may be, doesn't make you weak. It just means you're still finding your way and that's enough. Until the next one, be careful, thank you.