Can't Be Broken
Can't Be Broken
Faith, Fitness, and the Fight Back with Bri Hilton
What if the turning point isn’t a big speech or a perfect plan, but a quiet morning where you finally tell the truth? We sit down with Brianna, a six‑year law enforcement professional, for a raw, grounded conversation about mental health, hyper‑vigilance, and the honest work of rebuilding from the inside out. She takes us from a “normal” SoCal childhood to the academy’s rewiring of awareness.
The story deepens when she describes two close calls with suicide, how quickly ideation can harden into action, and the friend who stepped in at the right moment. From there, we trace the practices that brought her back: baptism and daily Scripture, simple gratitude spoken out loud, and a return to the gym as a second quiet room. Brianna explains why motivation is fickle but a plan is steady, how strength training and running support mental resilience, and what bodybuilding taught her about extremes, reverse dieting, and compassionate coaching. We also explore the messy middle—disease vs. disorder, vices that numb vs. habits that heal, and asking trusted people for blunt feedback so you can own your patterns and change them.
If you’re a first responder, athlete, or anyone carrying a silent load, this conversation offers practical tools: start with one chapter a day in the gospels, pack better food for long shifts, fuel your long runs before the wall arrives, and name three specific gratitudes every morning. Most of all, hear this: you should be here. You’re loved, you matter, and there’s a purpose on the other side of accountability. If this resonates, share it with a friend who needs a nudge, subscribe for more stories that turn pain into purpose, and leave a review to help others find the show.
What up, what up, what up, and welcome to another episode of the Can Be Broken Podcast. I'm your host, Sea Monster, and in today's episode, we have a beautiful young lady here that is in the law enforcement community. Um, she has an amazing story of overcoming adversity uh from mental health uh to working out and finding faith through Jesus, correct? Yes. Uh welcome to the show, uh Brianna Hilton. Thank you. Thank you very much for being here. Yeah. Uh tell everybody a little bit about yourself before you grew up a little bit, a little background stuff, and then we'll get right into OE.
SPEAKER_07:Um I grew up here in California, Glendora, California, to be specific. Um, found my way now living in Santa Clarita for the past five, six years. Um I feel like I really had a normal childhood. Grew up playing sports my entire life. My parents made sure that I was busy, so I hopefully stayed out of the most trouble. So sports from when I could walk, t ball, cheer, soccer, then softball, and then end ultimately ending up at volleyball. Um yeah, and just a basic childhood parents working. Brothers, sisters, no. Oh, yeah. I had a brother, six years older. He's my half-brother. Okay. Um, literally my best friend. He's so awesome. Nice, nice. Yeah. He gave me some pointers because he has his own podcast for sports. Oh, okay. So he's like, just be yourself and you know, you know the information, just remain calm.
SPEAKER_01:So what kind of does he do all kinds of different sports, baseball or um yeah.
SPEAKER_07:He kind of they him and his friend, basically like my second brother. I've known him since I was two. Uh they run a podcast called Um From From the Bench or The Point of View from the Bench or something like that. I'm blanking on it right now. Yeah, he's probably gonna be so mad at me. Yeah, he's gonna be mad now. He's so mad. Um but yeah, they just they just go over different different stuff, football, basketball, just impossible trades, whatever it is. So it's just all all sports.
SPEAKER_01:And who are his teams and who are your teams that you guys like in sports? Uh does he like the Dodgers?
SPEAKER_07:You know, I don't think he does.
SPEAKER_01:Oh just kidding.
SPEAKER_07:You know, I think I was a Dodger hater for a long time. I still think he doesn't like the Dodgers, but I went to one game and that like changed everything for me. So I do, I do like the Dodgers. Um, football, I know for a fact he's a Cardinals fan, so he's kind of going through it right now. Okay. Um but yeah, and then I'm a Niners fan. Yeah, so there's a lot of Niners fans.
SPEAKER_05:A lot of Niners fans.
SPEAKER_07:You know, it was more of a recent thing. I was a Tom Brady fan for a long time. I really like I just thought that guy was just crazy good. Yeah, um, really like underdog story, right? And he came to where he's at now. So I loved him, and then so I was a Patriots, and then I went to uh uh the Buccaneers after that, and then when he left, I was like, I need a new team. And uh the Niners were my mom's team, and uh so my dad's team was cowboys. Okay, yeah. So I grew up cowboys. You guys are all over the place. Yeah, you know, and now now that they're both in Arizona, now they're Cardinals fans.
SPEAKER_01:Okay, that's what I was gonna ask you. They're they're uh your parents are in Arizona, yeah. They live in the Phoenix area.
SPEAKER_07:Yeah, I would say like 45 minutes west of Phoenix. It's in a city called Buckeye. Oh yeah, okay. Yeah, so it's it's on it, it's developing a lot from even when they first moved there. I think it's about eight or nine years ago.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. Well, Phoenix and Arizona has grown a lot.
SPEAKER_07:Yeah. It's kind of sad though. I really like it because it's yeah, at least where they're at, they have like uh they can only build to a certain height, so you can still see all the mountains and the oh my gosh, the sunsets are so beautiful over there. They are nice over there. Yeah, so that's oh yeah, that's the one thing my mom tells me all the time, you should come over here. I'm like, mom, it's 118 degrees. I can barely do a hundred over here and or over in Santa Clarita.
SPEAKER_01:And that's low. Sometimes they get in the 120s and stuff. Yeah. Yeah, my daughter's at ASU out there, so she's like, it's always hot over here, but she's gotten used to it. You know, you get used to it.
SPEAKER_07:That's what she says. She's like, You'll get used to it. But I'm like, if I do patrol out there wearing all that stuff, 120, I'm gonna be rolling down the windows. Do you guys need anything that requires me to get out? If not, we're gonna handle this on a cooler day.
SPEAKER_01:Unless you work earlies or PMs or something.
SPEAKER_07:Yeah, but even then it's like really hot at night. Yeah, yeah, I would go out, we would do walks at night, and you're still like sweating. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01:It's like an oven, it stays on the whole time.
SPEAKER_07:But it's so crazy that my mom actually liked that because she grew up in Huntington Beach and she's from Hawaii, so like it's all yeah, different. It's very different. But she she loves it. So yeah.
SPEAKER_01:Um, okay. Well, we'll remember your brother's a podcast so we can give him a shout out.
SPEAKER_06:Um I'll look it up after this.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, no worries. Um, I'm sure that's way that way he doesn't get mad and upset at you.
SPEAKER_06:Yeah, he's gonna be like, seriously? Seriously, you know the name. I'm so sorry.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, um, okay, so then you grew up, uh live now currently in Santa Clarita. How do you like it up there?
SPEAKER_07:It's I mean, it's a good place to raise a family. It's very quiet. There's not much nightlife. Not that I'm a big nightlife person, anyways. I'm usually in bed by eight o'clock. Yeah. If I'm lucky, seven. If I really try hard. Um, but yeah, I mean, it's it's a quiet little town. Me as a single woman, like I needed a place where, you know, I felt safe being by myself. And I'm close to work.
SPEAKER_01:So Yeah, the a lot of the people that live up there call it God's country.
SPEAKER_07:So you know, it's it's not a bad, it's not a bad town at all. I mean, there's a lot of law enforcement up there. Yes, there is nurses, firefighters.
SPEAKER_01:A lot of firefighters, a lot of military, a lot of first responders. So that's a good thing. Yeah. Um, yeah. Yeah, I like that there, it's growing minus the heat.
SPEAKER_07:Minus the heat, I think I think you're good. Um, but yeah, it's very clean, very well taken care of. There's not a lot of crazy things that happen unless you're in like canyon country area. But yeah, yeah. That that place is but then also there's like beautiful multimillion dollar properties in Canyon Country. So, you know, it it's it's kind of like any other city, but it is very quiet. Um and yeah, I've I've liked it, but ideally, I'd like to be somewhere cooler, sunny and 75, you know. Yeah, just perfect. Perfect weather, Pennington Beach. Yes, that would be perfect. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:Um, all right. So then you grew up uh uh older as the half brother, yes, um, normal, uh like you said. Uh what got you into going into uh law enforcement and how long, how long have you been, and uh what kind of trigger did you say, hey, this is something I want to do, or uh was that something you thought about as a young child or uh later on?
SPEAKER_07:No, it's not something that I wanted to do as a kid. Um as a kid, I wanted to be a vet. Okay. I love animals, but then my parents reminded me that they were like, you know, you're gonna have to put an animal down. I'm like, oh my gosh, I could never. I'd be like an emotional wreck. Um, because I'm really empathetic. Like I feel um a lot. And so I I I'd be like probably delivering the news to the family crying. But no, I think it was a load of different decisions that led me to sit there and say, hmm, what is a job that I can get with just a high school diploma? Because I didn't finish school. Um, I didn't finish college. And uh, what can I do to? I mean, I wanted to be independent from the age of 18. I wanted to be my own. You wanted to grow up. Yeah, I wanted to grow up so badly. Um, in hindsight, you know. I wish I would have been a kid a little bit longer, but um, yeah, I I had to sit there and I said to myself, you have a high school diploma, what can you do with this? And for the most part, it's law enforcement or fire or something like that. Um, some type of blue-collar job, maybe um, that that doesn't require some sort of um, you know, degree. So that's why I went into it. Uh, I actually I feel like I'm decent at it. I haven't fully gone the lengths of everything that I could do with it for the past six years, but um, yeah, there's been it's been very eye-opening, I guess, and it's taught me a lot of a lot of things. Um, and basically, I mean, it really changes you as a person in the way you you view things. So yeah, I mean, it was more of like a spur of the moment choice for me. I needed to get out of my brother's house.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, yeah. Many, many choices come with uh with like need, you know. Yeah I need to get out of here.
SPEAKER_07:So I was 24 living with my brother, and I'm like, I can't, like this is I need to figure this out, you know? So that's why I went into that.
SPEAKER_01:Okay, yeah. I mean, uh, it does change you. Do you think the academy and the way it's structured with like a paramilitary and they kind of break you down and all that changed you? Or um now after the academy where you work at now, and maybe that mindset of co-workers or um how can I say uh lieutenants or the the brass or whatnot. Like when you said earlier change, what did you mean by change? Did it change your philosophy on how you view certain things, or like how was it harder than you thought it was?
SPEAKER_07:I mean, it was definitely hard, you know. Um which I firmly believe it shouldn't be something that's easy to get into. Um I would say it really changes your view just on how you do day-to-day things. Like you don't really think about all the little things that they would get you on, you know, like keeping your right hand free or your gun hand free, or you know, the the responsibilities of that seems so like small when you're doing it, and then you come out of it and you're just like, oh, that that makes sense. Like that's why they did that. So I think it does shift your view. Um, because you are kind of like not like sheltered, but like I don't even know how to describe it. You become more aware. Yeah, there we go. There we go.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, I think you become more aware of like certain things or your surroundings and your being and going like there's bad everywhere. Yeah, bad can happen if I'm if I'm not paying attention to what's going on, yeah. You pay attention a lot more. Yeah, you see things that sometimes people that don't get trained for 18 weeks of the academy don't see. Yeah. And kind of tell people like, you didn't see that?
unknown:No.
SPEAKER_01:No, we're like that. That guy's just over there hanging out by just aimlessly walking. I'm just like, oh look, watch that guy. Keep an eye on that guy, right? Hey, watch this guy is up to no good. People are like, why do you see that? I'm like, because we're trained like that.
SPEAKER_07:Yeah, you you start, you be more hyper-vigilant, I guess. Like you're you're definitely more aware. Um, so yeah, I guess that's that was the biggest thing where I just don't the way I used to handle myself all the way from a young age to 24 before I got in. I definitely don't handle myself that way now when I'm out and about and doing things, you know, you think about the little things. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:No, that's true. Um, and then you've been on for six years, Bob? Yeah, roughly. Okay. Um, and how do you like it? And uh, you know, what's what's going on? Like uh, like how do you like the department? What do you what's the pros, what's the cons?
SPEAKER_07:Uh um, I mean, it's been great to me. It's been a good six years. I don't really have anything bad to say about it. Um, and it's taught me a lot. It's it's honestly blessed me with um, you know, my own living on my own and paying the bills. So, I mean, I don't really have anything else to say about it. Pays well, yeah, it pays, it pays great. I I tell people, they're like, you know, I'm thinking of what going into the department. I'm like, no, it's a it's a great career. I think it's really what you make of it. Um, you know, some people might have a different opinion, but um, kind of outside looking in, I think we're all very blessed to have this job and it's tough and it shouldn't be easy. Um, you know, we are held to a higher standard, but like I said, I mean, there's a lot of jobs where you don't get paid as much as we do for what we do sometimes.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, no, I had a blast. I mean, as long as you're leading with your heart, with passion, and trying to make sure that the community and the people you serve are are taken care of, uh, you'll be fine, right? Obviously, like any job or school or profession, and even from a professional baseball player, you're gonna have its its cons, little things if you really want to nitpick about certain things. Um, you know, but I had a blast. I had a blast when I was with the the department. Um sure, there's long hours. There's times that you're like not making uh birthday parties or or holidays.
SPEAKER_07:Yeah, it's a it's a big sacrifice of time. Not only like physically too, like everyone, I think that's the common one, right? You're putting yourself in harm's way when other people would probably be running away. But um the things that they don't see is how many hours away you spend from your family. Me personally, like I'm single, so I don't really I don't really deal with it as much. But yeah, like I I've missed out on a lot of opportunities to go see my parents and you know, my brother. And I I guess as they're getting older, I'm starting to see that. I'm like, yeah, money is money is great, but you know, you can always get more money. Time you can't. And my parents are getting older, and I'm just like, oh my gosh, I'm trying to spend as much time as possible.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah.
SPEAKER_07:So yeah, it's it's a long hour.
SPEAKER_01:It has a lot of it opens a lot of doors to us as soon as you start getting some time, just like any job, like we talked about, uh, you start getting a better position where you're able to call your shots on you know, weekends off and certain things and yeah and whatnot. So there's a lot of doors open in law enforcement from different things that you can do that are super fun, or a nine-to-five job, or work if you have kids. Um you just gotta work your way up there. Yeah, you gotta work your way up there. At first, you're just like, nope, you're new, you're working.
SPEAKER_07:And that's normal. And some people don't see it that way and they don't think it makes sense. But I guess the way I was raised, it's like you gotta work for it. You gotta put on time. You can't just expect things to just fall into your lap like that, you know?
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, no, and and it's hard though too, because you know, I mean, at least me coming out of college and and and uh you just go and you're like, I've never worked uh from 10 to 6 in the morning. That's hard, yes. Morning is hard. I'm like two o'clock, I'm like, what the hell?
SPEAKER_07:Yeah, I've never been.
SPEAKER_01:I'm not drunk.
SPEAKER_07:Wait, we're not partying? Yeah, exactly. And your body's like, what? Um, no, it's that's it's really, really difficult. Um, and at least for me, like it I don't think I ever acclimated to that shift.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah.
SPEAKER_07:Um, so I'm very blessed to not have beyond that shift anymore. But like I I don't think my body ever acclimated for like two years. I felt like a straight zombie. I was like, cool. Like I'm tired, but I'm functioning tired, and it's weird. And like you just chug in a bunch of energy drinks, coffee. I mean, you're running on fume. So, you know, it's it's really important to like take care of yourself because especially in the job, because you know, you you don't really get to prioritize yourself as much. So the little things you can do, like you know, eating better, working out, other little things.
SPEAKER_01:Oh, for sure.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, for sure.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, and I think a good sidetrack sometimes because you did say obviously, and and I know um there's overtime, there's money, there's being drafted, there's so and so, and you're tired, and the last thing you want to do is go work out and punish your body again. But it's very crucial that you take care of that part, yeah, to invest in yourself, yeah, and uh eat better and certain things. I know when I went out to patrol, I gained I well, I was on training, so that was a different story.
SPEAKER_07:Yeah, you probably lost weight. I lost weight, exactly. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:But after after training, you you know, you go running on granola bars, whatever. Cams, burger, bobos, you know.
SPEAKER_07:Whatever you can shove down very quickly during your shift and then after, you're going to In N Out, you're going to Taco Bell.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, and that's you know, and that that's unfortunate because you know, we should be able to bring our food and and eat healthier, right? Because we need to be in tip top shape in our mind, body, and soul to to serve the public and for ourselves for our safety and everybody's safety.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:But you know, those, you know, those are the the things you learn as you go, hopefully. You know, we all learn how to do that.
SPEAKER_07:Yeah. One thing that stuck with me, um, and I kind of heard this recently, but I maybe I was just doing this prior to hearing this. But you gotta go when you're tired on days like that.
SPEAKER_00:Yes.
SPEAKER_07:Um, you gotta go according to the plan and not how you feel, not your mood. Because if it's if it's about motivation, there's gonna be days where you don't have that at all. Yeah, but you have to stick to the plan, you have to stay disciplined and you have to stay consistent with it because that's the only thing that's really gonna get you through, is is the plan, not your mood.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, you know, motivation's the fallacy, you know? It's discipline.
SPEAKER_07:Yeah, like where do you find the motivation? It's just like, uh, I I don't know how many times I get off of work, I'm like, I do not want to work out. I think in but I know it's gonna benefit me. I know I'm gonna feel better after, and I know I should.
SPEAKER_01:I think 10 days out of the year I I have motivation. Yeah, but I get it done anyways. Yeah, you get it done.
SPEAKER_06:You gotta get it done.
SPEAKER_01:Um, let's go a little bit into um we've been talking about obviously law enforcement and how you got in and whatnot and the pros and cons, more pros than anything. But there was a point in your life as you were growing up that you were dealing or became aware or or something about mental health that started affecting you. When was that? When did you start really kind of um feeling that there was something wrong there, that your mental health wasn't um the best? The best. And and why do you think that, or what was the triggers? And and let's go right into the beginning of like how that all started. Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_07:Um, I don't know if I'm gonna get emotional when saying this story, but I don't I don't think I should. I think I've said it enough to where I'm like good with saying it, but I would say it was from 28 is kind is when it started, like the the really bad thoughts. That's when I I wanna say that was the first time I attempted to take my life. Um and I think a lot of it, like you know, we all go through it work stress, you know, you're tired, um, you're irritable, different stuff like that. But I think a lot of it was like my own personal actions kind of catching up to me. Um and I don't think it's easy for anyone to do self-reflecting, taking accountability for your actions. And so I think those those type of things were eating at me, and um, I kind of got it.
SPEAKER_01:Was it like guilt a little bit or like certain things?
SPEAKER_07:Maybe there is guilt. Um, I like to say it, and you know, um, which I'll touch on that a little bit as far as my faith, but like it's just basically the enemy in your head thinking, uh, convincing you of these things. You shouldn't be here, you're this type of person, you're this, this, this, you're worthless, whatever the questions were. And and a lot of it was just outside factors of just kind of looking back and being like, okay, a lot of this was caused by me, you know? And then you start feeling those things of well if this was caused by me, and I'm creating all this problems, like maybe I shouldn't be here, you know? And so I would say it was about 28. Um, and I took a bunch of pills that time. I had somebody rush me to the to the hospital. Um, and you know, I I continued on with life. I kind of really didn't think anything of it. It was more of like a just hide it under the rug situation.
SPEAKER_01:Um burden anybody.
SPEAKER_07:Yeah, I think I told maybe like two or three people. Yeah. Two or three people, and I didn't seek help. I didn't think anything of it. I was just like, all right, cool. And went back to my same way of living. And then um it came back again, the same thoughts, kind of same situation in my life too. Again, work busy. Um, that's always gonna be there. But um, just other outside factors of like, once again, uh here you are, Brianna, doing the same things with the same results. Like, here we go again. So, same thoughts. Um, this time I had my off-duty weapon and I had a friend kind of step in. I was expressing these thoughts. It's it's very um sudden. Like you have the the negative thoughts of like you're kind of a POS type of person and you shouldn't be here, but like the thought of like actually doing or like taking the action is very quick. I would say it was in like within a day. I was like, okay, cool, this is gonna happen. Like, this is how I'm gonna do it. Um, but then I had a friend kind of step in. Um, you know, I thank God every day for him that he did that. As much as it sucked the ramifications of kind of trying to get your life back in a sense, um, it was a blessing. Um, you kind of have that moment to step back and look and be like, okay, cool. Like obviously I'm so happy I'm above ground, right? Blessed to have that. But it it allowed me and it has allowed me to kind of step back and be like, okay, like you need to go about life a completely different way. And then that's when I went into my faith. I would say a little over a year ago, October 6th, 2024, is when I got baptized. And I decided, I'm like, okay, clearly I don't know how to do life. I'm messing everything up. So let's do it God's way.
SPEAKER_01:And um Did you, did you were you religious before with your parents or anything like that?
SPEAKER_07:No. So I wouldn't say that we were religious. We we grew up going to church very briefly, but it was a non-denominational church. Okay. And a lot of it was just like Wednesday nights we would go and just have an activity to do. We'd play games as kids. Um, but I would say that they were mostly like Christian beliefs, Christian values. But you know, not at any point in time were we like religiously going to to church and doing all that, which I like, I like because I, as an adult, got to make that decision myself instead of it kind of being forced upon me. And I know a lot of people in my in my journey so far, I've talked to them, and a lot of it is like they they're forced to do it and then they leave it, you know, and they kind of want the rebellion of it. And then they then eventually they find their way back. Some do, some don't. Um, but yeah, no, and in no way, shape, or form were what I consider as religious when I was when I was younger.
SPEAKER_01:And when when you were talking about some of your actions that led you to mentally think certain ways about yourself, were you having like self-doubt, low confidence? Like when you say those actions, are those actions things that you were doing that then mentally play games with you? Like you're like throughout my whole years, I I try to grow up quickly. So I I did all these things, I messed around, I didn't you know pay attention to my parents, I did this. Were were you like rebellious in that way? Or what do you mean by your mom would be like, You were totally rebellious. Like, what do you mean your actions caused you to have those thoughts of like oh yeah, to to lead to those thoughts?
SPEAKER_07:Um, so yeah, I would say I was, I feel like any kid, you know, you want to do the exact opposite of what your parents say. And I was like religious about it, I swear. My mom would always be like, Don't do that. I'm like, you know what? I'm gonna do it. And then it always turns out the way she said, and I'd come back and I'd be like, Oh, you're right. But I I feel like I had to learn the hard way. Like I didn't believe it until I went through it, and my own experience was what she said, right? Um, but I think a lot of it was like low self-worth, low self-esteem, um, selfishness. I really just thought whatever would benefit me, whatever, me, me, me, right? How I look, how I dress, what's this, what's that, and and what I external. Yeah, like validation from men or whoever, you know what it was. And um, you know, I really came to realize that it just left it didn't do anything. It only caused more emptiness and it was just a temporary fix to trying to find whatever was missing um in me, which now it's God, my faith was missing. But I mean, I had to go through all that and and just kind of cause some wreckage a little bit. Not that it was uh impossible to fix, but you know, it was it was really just that. I was just conducting myself in a way that was very, very selfish. And I didn't think of anyone else. I didn't think how it'd affect anybody else. Is it gonna make me happy? Then who cares who it hurts? And uh it's just not a good way to live when you look back and be like, you know, why is this happening to me? And then, you know, some people nowadays they have the victim mentality. It's like, well, because of this. But I sat there and maybe originally I had that mindset, but I sat there and I was like, oh no, you're the problem, you know, and I was like, why? You know, I didn't I wasn't raised to to think that at all, but I think it was just, you know, you get older, you want to do what you want, and that's the way I was living.
SPEAKER_01:Was it like an aha moment for you? Like, did you all of a sudden go, Oh my God, I need to take ownership for my actions? I need to do this, or was it like, okay, some's going down, let me start reading some books, or like how did that journey begin to where you're at now? Like you didn't just wake up and go, I believe in Jesus, right? Like how did faith come in to to kind of help out and all the other stuff that you took ownership, obviously, and all these different things. Um, so how did that come about?
SPEAKER_07:So my parents for a long time have been talking to me about faith, and I'd be like, Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever. I think most people kind of have that kind of like whatever. Um, but I feel like it was more of an aha moment because I mean I had a couple days to like sit there. I got everything pretty much taken away from me for I think the span of three days. And uh I really only had uh my daily devotional is that I had. And um it was just like I had that moment, I'm like, okay, well, clearly, like I said, I I've been trying to do things my way, and it's just not working out. So I started to go to church again, and I was one of those people that would go every once in a while on a Sunday, you know, make you feel good, whatever. Never picked up a Bible in my life. And uh I started to do that. I started to go to church, I started reading the Bible because I I had that definitely in my head. I'm like, you need you need to make the change. Like it's it's you, maybe not for everything, right? But like you are the one that that did all these things. And this has kind of been a pattern. I I saw that. It was it was a lot of patterns where everything would be good, and then you know, me and my selfish ways, it kind of end up in the same spot. So that's what I did. I just I started going to church, I started reading, and then one day I I just felt um very compelled uh to get baptized. I'm like, you know what? No more half in, half out. Like, I'm gonna do it. So I had on my parent, my parents, my brother and sister. It was kind of last minute. My aunt drove from all the way from Beaumont to come to Santa Clarita and and watch me get baptized, which bless her soul, like bless her heart, I love her. Um but yeah, and then from then on, I mean I I haven't been perfect. We're we're all not perfect, right? We all fall fall short. Um but I think more so now, a year later, like I'm I'm in it. I'm in it.
SPEAKER_01:So it seems like obviously um you had hit rock bottom, obviously. You know, like you said, you you had attempted right? I don't know if at that time you had attempted already um suicide, but you were having those thoughts asking for help at one point. But you knew that that was it, that the other outcome was gonna be death. Yeah, and um it's either that or change.
SPEAKER_07:And um I think at some point in time you just gotta get sick of like your own stuff. You're just like, come on now. Yeah, yeah. Like, really?
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_07:I think I had that moment I'm like, exactly what you had, yeah. Come on, Brietta. Like, yeah, because figure it out.
SPEAKER_01:Like, look, there's so many people, right? I I'll I'll just use alcoholism as uh there's an alcoholic that needs to go to um alcoholics anonymous with weekly, right? Needs it. Like I need that, I need my sponsor and all that. Keep me great, been solid for 10 years. And then there was like my dad, who he was an alcoholic, but he says, I don't want to drink anymore. I'm kind of done with it, like done, never drank after 50 anymore. Right? There's people that can just stop. Yeah, and then there's people that need a little yeah, and everybody's a little different on how you handle it and and you know when and how, and and that's kind of the way that worked for you, correct?
SPEAKER_07:Yeah, I think so. Like after I would say before the second time, I did um go to therapy, which you know is a good tool. I think it's it's a benefit to have somebody to talk to, but to be honest, I don't think that was the changing factor. I think I would have still just been saying it. And well, I mean, obviously I w I mean I went once before the second incident, so it's not like I really tried it out, but um, you know, I I think it's a good, like I said, outlet to talk to, but the change was I needed to make a hard change, like a heart change. And um that only came with finding faith and and and reading my Bible and praying, and and the only thing I can say is like, I know some people have have followed my journey and they go, You're a completely different person. And uh, and I tell them like I don't even know how to explain it. I really don't, but the the lightness that I feel, the the the feeling of just complete peace is like so unexplainable. And I'm like, I'm telling people, I'm like, I'm telling you saw who I was before and you saw who I am after. And um, I mean it's it's something that I just can't explain. So yeah, I think I think therapy is a was a good step. Um, and I still do that, but I I really owe everything up to uh to my faith.
SPEAKER_01:And and and when you say faith and and Jesus and all that, like what specifically or what what talks to you that keeps you uh you know moving forward accountable, right? So many different things that you're like I'm in I'm at peace because um the Bible talks to me in this way, or because Jesus or my faith, like how does how does that look for you um that gets uh gives you peace? Is it the words of the Bible?
SPEAKER_07:Yeah, I mean the Bible. I I I urge everyone to to read it because I I firmly believe there's not a single thing in there that won't better your life in some way, shape, or form. Um so it's really mostly that. I pray every day. I try to spend time. I'm like I said, I'm not perfect, but I try to spend time with with God, um, talking to him because I know a lot of people are like, well, I can't really hear him. I'm like, well, do you pray? Do you read your Bible? And they're like, well, no. I'm like, how do you expect to hear him if you're not even in the Bible and his word? You know, that's where you're gonna get most of your uh, you know, information from, which yeah, church is great on a Sunday, right? But everything that they're going over is in that book. So for me, like that's that's taught me, you know, in times of uncertainty to remain calm and to not be anxious, you know. Uh there's multiple different um you know verses on that. Um because I mean, life's hard, you know. We have work stress, we get depressed, we do, you know, you lose a loved one, some it's just stressful out there. So I mean, those are a lot of the common things that all in in the Bible, when I go through those things, I go and I read about it, and I'm like, okay, you know, at the end of the day, like my there's so many things to be grateful of. And I think that's another big thing too. I was so stuck in my own whatever it was, and I couldn't see that, you know, like I woke up today. I have a roof over my head, I have a car, you know, I have food in the fridge, I have air conditioning, you know, all these little things, especially when life is is is really tough, because we can't avoid that. You know, that's gonna happen. But when you flip your perspective and are like, okay, well, at least I woke up today. Some people don't do that. At least I have a clean house. Some people don't even have a house. You know, when we start thinking like that, you're just like, gosh, like, I'm really grateful. And they and they say when when you start speaking good positive things, there's no room for negative things in your mind. So the more you speak it, and it's not to be delusional about what's happening, obviously, right? Like I there's times where I'm just like, what is going on? But but I'm telling you, the strength and and peace that you get with having him and reading it and reassuring and talking to him and knowing that like he wins in the end, no matter how bad things get, like, and there's a reason for for bad things too. You you change that perspective. And you know, I always tell people, I'm like, we only have like a limited amount of time. We could die tomorrow, but I I would rather be happy and and try to remain positive than just be negative all the time.
SPEAKER_05:Yeah.
SPEAKER_07:So I think that that's really what helps me is just it's peace that can't be explained. It's it's just reading and and living and breathing by those words, and it it changes you.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, I mean, I used to uh I'm not used to, I I still do. Um wake up in the morning, you're like, oh my god, I gotta get up right now. You know, what body aches, you're older, you gotta work, you got things to do, whatever. But if you look in the mirror genuinely and say at least three things that you're grateful for, it changes your being.
SPEAKER_07:Oh my gosh, it changes your whole day. It changes everything, right?
SPEAKER_01:That's why I we when I used to drive my daughters when they were younger to school, uh, they were going through the hormone changes. Yeah, you know, wake up those are fine angry. Yeah, those are fun. Well, wake up angry for no reason.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, like why are you angry? Why are you upset? Just come on, you just woke up.
SPEAKER_01:I just woke up. You're gonna go see your friends.
SPEAKER_00:You can't be angry yet.
SPEAKER_01:You get free food at school. Come on, you know? Yeah, you're gonna learn, teachers and everything. Um and then I I'd always say, Okay, you know what? Let's get out of this. Give me at least three things you're grateful for. You can't be the same as yesterday or something else.
SPEAKER_07:Yeah, new stuff.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, it can't be like, I'm grateful for the for you driving me to school. You know, it has to be something good, you know? Yeah, and and uh you could see, I could see the change right away. Yeah, they would light up a little bit, hey, sure, you know, their kids, whatever, maybe they have to do it, but yeah, um the word gratefulness and speaking it out loud and saying it to yourself in a mirror, and it just changes your being. If you're being genuine about it, obviously.
SPEAKER_07:And I think a lot of people underestimate it has to be this like crazy thing. I'm like, no, if you just write down like three things you're grateful for or say them out loud, say I'm on your way to work, and I know a lot of people are like, gosh, work. I'm like, well, at one point in time you prayed for that job. Yeah, you know, yeah. There's people that can't find a job. So I I remind my my friends all the time, especially uh coworkers, when they're just like, Oh, this sucks. And I'm like, You write. I mean, I'm not gonna say it's it's great, but look at your paycheck. Yeah, you probably paid for this job. Look at what it supplies you, look at what it is, and and yes, like you said before, there's probably things that we can complain about, but what is that gonna do? You know, we can find that doesn't change the circumstances.
SPEAKER_01:We can find the worst and everything, or we can find the best. It's it's perspective. Yeah, it really is perspective. Uh, I'll take yesterday's baseball game, for example, the pitcher who you know bases loaded, um, two outs, uh come back to the pitcher, he gets the ball, fumbles it, doesn't know what to do, throws it away, dodgers win. He can take that and go, Oh my god, my life sucks. Oh my god, uh, I ruined it for our team and kind of hold that grudge, hold that inside. Or you can go and say, you know what? Errors happen in baseball.
SPEAKER_07:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:I'm super lucky to be playing this game here and that we got this far. And you can change that immediately with a perspective. Yeah, you know, sure, it sucks.
SPEAKER_07:Yeah, like you're that's a normal response is to get is to get upset. And I tell people that all the time. I'm like, so it's not gonna be like you're just gonna be like, okay, yeah, like everything's no, you're the initial response is gonna be like crap, you know, like you're gonna start thinking those negative things and you have your little moment, right? But don't let it eat you alive because it's just like a cancer, it just spreads. And I think we can all agree, like, people that are super negative, we don't like to be around them, right?
SPEAKER_05:Don't carry it.
SPEAKER_07:Yeah, don't don't carry it. Like, have your little moment and move forward. Because trust, I mean, playing sports my entire life, there's a lot of times where I used to throw a pity party.
SPEAKER_05:Yeah.
SPEAKER_07:And I had one coach one time where I was playing volleyball and I told my setter, I was like, Don't even set me because like clearly I suck. And so my coach like heard that and he kicked me out of the game. And I was like, Well, what's going on? He's like, Well, if she's not gonna set you, why are you even in? Why are you in? And I like cried to my parents, and my parents were like, No, I mean, if you're just gonna sit there and she's not gonna use you as a tool, then what purpose are you? So I think there was a lot of times where I did that, but I like I said, recently I try to just like switch it real quick, have my moment, have it be very brief, and then go back to, okay, let's find something good about this. Okay, I am so fortunate to be playing this game. Get this far. You know, there's a lot of people that would love to be a professional baseball player, but can't. You know, and when you start thinking that, like you said, it just switches your mentality and you just I don't know, you're just 10 times happier, I can tell you that.
SPEAKER_01:And you're gonna as long as you learn from those things, right? This podcast is about is overcoming adversity, you know, can't be broken. As long as your error is gonna happen, failure's gonna happen, you know, like you said, we're not perfect, we're gonna make mistakes. So as long as you learn from those things and you surround yourself with good people, wisdom, people that are giving you good advice, being grateful, giving you a different perspective, that's what it's about.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:And moving forward. Did the mistake, did the error, did the shortcoming happen? Of course. We're all gonna have that.
SPEAKER_07:Yeah, but how do you learn from this? How do you how do you move on from that? Yeah, move forward, right? Is it gonna is it gonna make you go down, or are you gonna say, you know what, I'm gonna go there? Yeah, I'm gonna make myself better and learn from this. And that's, you know, my story. You know, I was at rock bottom and I'm like, okay, well, either I can just continue this and it can lead in the worst possible place, um, which, you know, my I'm so glad I'm not. And my I know my parents and my family and friends are happy that that didn't happen, or I make a change and and and learn something from this terrible thing, um, and make a difference. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:Um, probably a hard question, but if you want to answer it, um what were the ways that you thought about taking your life and how did that go when you actually did attempt, correct?
SPEAKER_07:Yeah, I think the the first time was like super spur of the moment. I think it was like with.
SPEAKER_01:You know what? I'm sorry, okay. These are hard for me to ask. Yeah, no, you know, but I think we're here to obviously help and educate others as well.
SPEAKER_07:So yeah, I think it's it's a tough topic, but I think a lot of people, one thing I've learned from this is a lot of people have those thoughts. Yeah, I think a lot of people cover them up and are embarrassed or whatever, and it's looked at like a weakness, and it is a very selfish act. You're only thinking about yourself in that span of time, right? I'm not thinking about what my parents would want. My parents obviously don't want that. They don't want to lose their daughter, my brother, you know, or any other friends that maybe I mean more to them that I even thought, you know. So it is it is selfish in that sense, but it is more common than I thought these thoughts to to go through people's heads. But the first time was like very quick and brief. I just found whatever I could as far as pills, and I was like, I'm gonna take them all. Like this is gonna be it. Um and then the second time I just had I had the weapon, but near me. That was like the most easy way, I guess, that I thought of. So it wasn't like this long, elaborate plan of everything. Like I said, it's it's very like quick within days that you just like obviously the negative thoughts are there and you're feeling very depressed, you're feeling very low, and then the moment you decide to do it is is within, I would say like 24 hours. It's very quick. And then since for me, I don't want to speak for everyone.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, yeah. You know, since you've um got baptized, um, reading the Bible, um, taking ownership, all these different steps to better your mental health and better yourself. Um have the thoughts obviously continue, have certain things happen in your mind because we all have them, like you said, we all have these thoughts. But how what's the difference now? What's the difference of you getting out of it of not staying in that place and having those suicidal thoughts of like almost being there? Like what is the big difference here?
SPEAKER_07:I would say it's the change in perspective, you know. Um, you can, you know, I there's a lot of things like financial problems or whatever. You can like sit there and and let them continue. And I think that's what I did. Whatever it was at that time, I just let them get me to that point where I just constantly would think them instead think of them instead of like switching my perspective and and reading um the Bible. And and like I said, it's just so much wisdom in there. And you can see in um so yeah, it was it's just really the change in perspective. I mean, those thoughts are gonna come. They're this gonna be stressful. Like I said, like we can't outrun stress, we can't outrun problems because they're they're gonna happen, but it's about how you look at them that really allows it to either eat you up to the point where you're just like, oh my gosh. Um, or you don't, you know, you decide to make that change, you know, because a lot of it, some of it's like out of our hands, you know, but a lot of it it's just our own own choices that that got us in that place, you know. So, and but it's just hard for people to take accountability nowadays. Um, and it's not fun. It's not fun to sit there and be like, you know, you're the problem, you did this, you did this, and you're just like crap, okay. Well, now that that's the the facts that I have, what do I do about it? Yeah, you know.
SPEAKER_01:When uh when you picked up the Bible, um, how did you know what page to turn to and start reading? Yes, that's such a big question. Like, uh there's a Bible here. Like, where do I start?
SPEAKER_07:You know, everybody's like, oh, let's start like a normal book, right? You want to read from front to back. And I guess you can, but the the information that I got from my mom, my brother, other people that kind of were deeper in their faith, they uh said to start with the gospel, which is Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. And that shows a lot of Jesus' works, um, his disciples basically saying uh what he's done. And there's a lot of wisdom in that as far as anxious and and depression or anything like that. So that's where I started. And then um, you can even look up on like Pinterest, like Bible study plan. Like there's a ton of them, and there's probably a thousand different ways to go. But when I tell people, I'm like, start in the gospel, and then you can go to Genesis and and the laws and and you know how earth was or how the world was made and all this different stuff. So yeah, that's that's where I started. I didn't know either. It was very daunting. It's a huge, huge book and with a thousand different versions. And my only recommendation is do not get King James Version because it's gonna be so confusing, you probably won't even know what you're reading. But uh yeah, I use a study Bible. Um so it'll say like it'll break down everything on the bottom in like layman's terms, where you're like, oh, okay, like this isn't, I'm not reading where art thou or thou shall not, whatever. And you're just like, what is happening? So obviously the more you understand it, the more you want to read it. If it's very daunting and you're just like, I don't even know what it's saying, you're not gonna want to read it. So I just tell people, do your research on like different versions. I give my opinions. Um, it's whatever's gonna work for you, because we reading comprehension is different for everyone. But um, I've definitely found um uh it useful having a study Bible and then kind of writing down different scriptures and different stuff that can stick with me that I can like reference back um at any point in time when I'm feeling depression or when I'm feeling anxious or whatever. So nice, yeah.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, that's good advice. I I have no idea where where to start.
SPEAKER_07:Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John is what I've always told people. I'm like, that's that's gonna be the meat and potatoes, a lot of it. And then you get wisdom, like Proverbs and all these different stuff. Um, like I said, the the whole book is is filled with wisdom where you're just like, okay. And it's actually kind of funny to read because you read it from like there's so many different things. I think it was like Exodus, where these uh the Israelites or whatever, this is gonna be just brief. I won't go crazy on it, but like they just wouldn't listen. And you're sitting there and you're just like, you've literally seen in person like him do these works, like you're following him and you're still not gonna, you're still gonna sit there and question. Like it's there's some times where I would text my friends, I'm like, dude, these people are tripping. But then you like look back and you're like, Oh yeah, I'm not a very good listener either. Sometimes it's how you sit there and you're just like, Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:Your mom's like, yeah. Remember, you used to do that.
SPEAKER_07:And she's like, That's crazy that you're talking about people not listening because uh I don't know how many times I had to tell you to do one thing and you didn't. So there are like funny moments right that where it's just not it's not like boring at all. You can there's some people that have like a Gen Z version. Oh my gosh, it cracks me up. I think it's pretty much correct, written, but they do it in like our terms, our Gen Z terms. It's it's kind of funny. But yeah, I mean, there's so many different life lessons that you can totally apply today, even though it was 2,000 plus years ago, right? Like it's still till this day, you're like, oh my gosh, well, have we even changed as a society? Probably not. But um, no, it's it's very, very interesting. I I always encourage people. Um it's not that daunting. Just take it one chapter at a time.
SPEAKER_05:One at a time. That's what I do. A chapter a day.
SPEAKER_07:One at a time. One chapter at a time. Don't overwhelm yourself, take a couple minutes, they're really short, maybe like 30 minutes. Kind of write your little notes on it, boom. That's it. 30 minutes to an hour a day.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. Is that what you do?
SPEAKER_07:Yeah. I I try to start, I wake up super early. I try to start my morning that way because I've noticed um, you know, there's times where I don't read and I'm like, oh, today just feels off. You know, and and there's sometimes where I don't get to it. I try to do it at night, and I'm not perfect. Some days I don't, I don't do it. But I try to my very best to read a chapter a day. Read it. I have like uh I have two things. I have a daily devotional, um, and then I read a chapter of whatever I'm on, the little Bible study uh guide.
SPEAKER_01:That was the next question I was gonna ask you if you have daily routines.
SPEAKER_07:Yeah, that's my daily routine. I wake up. Yeah. So well, I go on the days that I work, I go to work. So I wake up at 4 a.m., even though I start work at six, um, wake up, make my coffee. Coffee, drink my drink my water or whatever. Then I read my daily devotional, I read the a chapter of the Bible, and I sit there and I pray. Sometimes I write down because there's people that are like, hey, can you pray for me and whatnot? And I write down their names and like, you know, Lord help them with whatever they're going through and uh different things that I'm grateful for, things that I want to work on as a person. If I'm still struggling with certain things, because I still am. Um, and I just write all that down. And if, you know, I feel like I've sinned or whatever, you know, I'm sorry, like, you know, repent. Um, because it I felt some type of way. I feel like I shouldn't be doing that. But you know, I tell people I'm like, it's not about being perfect. It's uh you're gonna mess up. Like you said, we're human, but it's just about, you know, working to get through it. Yeah, you know.
SPEAKER_01:Do you think also because I know we're gonna probably get into it, but uh you work out, obviously. You go to the gym, you say also that the gym has helped you mentally. Um what does that do to you? Do you think yeah, what is what is working out uh done to better your mental health?
SPEAKER_07:You know, I've always been active playing sports. Um, I would say around 2021 is when I started like actually legit lifting weights, like bodybuilding style, and then I did my first bodybuilding show at 21. I got first. Yeah, I dropped, thank you, thank you. I didn't stick with it. Um and that's another story. But uh got first and I was supposed to go to my national show, and it just didn't happen. I I developed like a which I guess I'll hit on that a little bit later, but I I kind of created like a binge eating habit. It was really bad. Um, nothing that I've ever experienced before, and I had to work my way out of that. But um, as far as the gym and like my mental health, it's just like the one of the second places I would say, other than reading my Bible where I feel like my world is just kind of quiet, is when I'm in the gym. I'm just there with my music, and then it's just I feel good after, get a good pump, whatever. And I'm just bettering myself. Um, I think that's that's what it is. It's just it just betters yourself in in more ways than one. But it just really quiets. It quiets my mind. It's the like I said, second time where I just the second time out of my day where I just don't hear anything, anything, any issues that I'm dealing with, gone. I'm just focused on this hour and a half, two hour workout, and then I can go about my day. Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, I mean, I I I run. I've ran a hundred mile races, that's crazy. Um ultras, uh triathlons. Running's another thing where my mind is just I love to lift, right? So obviously I do and I do hit workouts. I try to change it up and not just stay the same. But running to me, when I run, is me. Yeah, it's me versus me.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:And it's just peaceful. It's hard. Oh, it's super hard. Especially when you run, like if you run around the block here, like ah, okay, cool. But if you're in the mountains, I gotta get back.
SPEAKER_05:Like I gotta run all this over again.
SPEAKER_01:I went, I went nine miles one way, I gotta get back. The other way, I'm like, there's no short cheating. There's no shortcut, there's no cheating. There's no like sometimes you don't even get reception. Yeah, right. So, like, let me call somebody. I can't call Uber. You're here, you're like, I'm tired, I don't want to do this. You can call somebody to pick it up. Yeah, not over there. So I really enjoy that time by myself, and that's why I don't like join running clubs or anything. I really like it for myself. Sometimes I'll go out and be like, okay, I can't be too serious about it. Let me go with some friends, family, uh clubs that go out there to learn these trails and stuff. But um, the gym is the same thing. I put on my headset there or here, put on whatever. I can close this up, I can open it up. Yeah, just depends what kind of workout I want to get in in my mind. Yeah, but the best ones are always the ones that you just kick your own butt. Yeah.
SPEAKER_06:Okay. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:There's so many times where you're sitting there going, like, I don't think my mind has oxygen.
SPEAKER_07:Yeah, there's a lot of times where I've created workouts or whatever. I've done a workout, I'm like, oh my gosh, this is gonna be terrible. Yeah, and then you get through it, you're just like, dang, I got through that. Yeah, and I was I was training for a marathon, a half marathon a little bit ago, but you know, my knee and my hip, I have like a hip injury, um, kind of prevented me from doing that. It's still something that I want to do. I think the farthest I got up to was 10 miles.
SPEAKER_05:Well, you met the right guy.
SPEAKER_07:Yeah, I need to be better. Yeah, uh, I ran 10 miles and I immediately like I was emotional because I was like, oh my gosh, I can't believe I did that. It's it's my body hurt though. Like that last mile.
SPEAKER_01:You will cry. Yeah. You feel this internal uh accomplishment.
SPEAKER_07:Yeah. That last I would say maybe two miles. I was like, I want to stop so bad right now. But I was like, you know what? I'm not gonna do I'm not. I I don't even care if I'm going slow, I'm not gonna stop. And I got to 10 miles, I immediately called my best friend, and I was just like, dude, you never guess. And she's like, What? And I'm like, dude, I just ran 10 miles. That's insane. And she goes, Oh my gosh, you know, and I'm like, Yeah, but I gotta get like three more in order to get this.
SPEAKER_01:That's not easy. No, it's not. That's why a marathon is 26.2. The point two is the hardest.
SPEAKER_00:Oh, dude.
SPEAKER_01:Every time I've jumped up to something that's challenged me, I've always cried after them.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:And everybody's like, Aren't you happy? Just yeah, I'm it's happy tears. These are happy tiers. These are happy, these are accomplishment tiers, these are something that I was like, it seems so far, it seems so daunting, it seems so hard. And I've did I I've done it. Yeah. And then I look back and I go, Well, I did that too, and I did that too. What else is there, kind of deal? So um, yeah, I find it in my bodybuilding show.
SPEAKER_07:That was insane. I couldn't even believe I did that. I got down to like I think nine percent body fat as a female. That's super insane.
SPEAKER_01:It was crazy. You guys that do that stuff, I have friends in in that industry. It's crazy. That's how you guys get down to that body. It's like it's it's uh it's not healthy. No, it's not healthy.
SPEAKER_07:I won't I will tell you that.
SPEAKER_01:But how do you guys do it and eat and carb up and do all these different things? Oh, it's a science for sure.
SPEAKER_07:And some people are like, well, you know, what and you know, I pay for a coach and and they're not cheap and they shouldn't be because some people are like, just do it yourself. I'm like, you don't understand. You don't understand. Your body's already, you're gonna be tired, you're gonna have fatigue, you're gonna be cranky, you're gonna do all these different things. The last thing you need to do is like look at yourself and then make judgments on that. Like you need something, you need to turn your mind off. You just need to like do what A, B, C. It's like a checklist, right? Just check off your boxes every day. And uh some people are like, yeah, I want to do that. I'm like, you know what? Just know what you're getting into. I'm not saying it's not possible. It it'll teach you so much. I had no idea I could do that. Um, but there are things that come with it. Like, make sure you have a good support system, make sure you have a good coach that can uh coach you after the fact because that's what I didn't understand after I got down to such a low body fat, and your body's almost like a sponge. It's like starving, and you can't just go back. You have to do what they call reverse dieting, which is slowly incorporating things week by week by week, and it's a long process. But if not, you're gonna blow up. And that's what I did. I think I gained like 50 pounds. Like I had no idea what was going on. I went from probably the best looking I've ever been to like the worst looking. Um, and that was something I had to kind of coach myself out of and and just sit there and be like, listen, like it's just food. It's just this. Like you've never had this issue before. You can like take a breath when you eat. You know, I mean, I was eating donuts, I was, I was going ham. And I remember my brother was just like, dude, how are you eating that much? And I'm like, dude, I just too where you stuff your face, right? That's what binge eating is. So I tell people, I'm like, just be aware that there are this, and not everybody's the same, right? But just make sure you have a coach that is really good and listens to you and knows what they're doing and and and makes it individual to you because I think a lot of people do a show and then they're like, oh, well, I can coach somebody through this, and they do the same thing that they did. I'm like, no, no, no, that's not how that works because what worked for you won't work for someone else, you know? And so just yeah, just make sure you're in good hands with that and you know what you're getting yourself into. But it is an amazing experience. It's I wish I could go back and relive that that moment again. I actually do want to compete again next year. I was starting one, but due to just other factors, I it just wasn't the time for me. But um, I do. It's something that I want to go and do because I feel like I cut myself short. I was supposed to go to that national show, and if I would have won first, I I have no idea if I would have won first. But if I did, uh I would have got my pro card. So that's just like a cool accomplishment. Like you did. Yeah. And I think from 10 years ago, I think I've built up a lot of muscle maturity. I'm a lot bigger. Uh, I have more mature muscles, and I I'm interested to see what it looks like uh now. So I mean, we've we've seen a little bit of it. I cut down, and it's crazy to see how different I look side by side to things. I'm just like, wow, it's amazing with 10 years of just maybe not a hundred percent consistency, but for the most part, a lot of consistency in the gym. Cause I did CrossFit for a little bit, you know, I did the running thing. Um I'm that person that likes to just be a jack of all trades. Um, but you know, sometimes your body doesn't allow you to do everything at once. You can't bodybuild, but also run a half marathon. And you know, it's just different training, you know. Um so I gotta pick one.
SPEAKER_01:I gotta pick one at at some point in time. You and I are so alike. I was doing a marathon a month for a year. That's insane. In between that, I did a thousand push-ups every day for 30 days.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:In between that, I did a couple triathlons. In between this within a year, because I was just like, I want to do that. I want to do that. And I was just like, I think it's just a competitiveness. Oh, 100. I'm like, I need more. Yeah. What's up this week? Okay, I've a I have a marathon on the weekend. Who cares? I can do this on Wednesday. I was just like, what the hell? Yeah, I was just doing everything. And I mean, I I was doing great, but yeah, I I was losing muscle. Yeah. And I don't want to lose muscle because then I got into high rocks. You know what high rocks mean?
SPEAKER_07:Yeah, that's something I wanted to get into too.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, high rocks is cool. So it's just like you said, you know, I I wasn't in one lane. Like if I committed to one thing, I probably would have been better, but like maybe running in high rocks, kind of same thing.
SPEAKER_07:It's it's but like bodybuilding is so different, right? You're you're trying to retain as much muscle as possible and just shed that body fat. And it's a low, it's a slow process, and you can't run a marathon while also being on limited carbs. Like it just it those things don't work. So that is like you have to pick one. If you're new in bodybuilding, stick to that because you can't, it just can't. Yeah, you know, yeah.
SPEAKER_01:Um let's go back a little bit into um mental health. Um, let's talk about do you think mental health uh issues or mental health in general is a disease if you're having some problems like where you got into suicidal thoughts and actually trying it, or is it more because you said it just kind of happened, right? Like I know it's a buildup of certain things that you choices that you have made. Um What's the question, I guess? You know what they say alcohol alcoholism is a is a disease.
SPEAKER_07:Like it's like a generational thing, like if your parents like in that sense. I don't know. I I really don't know. I'm not a doctor. I don't want to consider it a disease. I don't want to put that label on it, but also I'm like I said, I'm not a doctor, so I could be wrong. Um I kind of looked into it, like what's the difference between like a disease and because a lot of people say mental health disorder. I'm like, what's the difference between a disease and a disorder? And and a lot of them are saying like a disease has um it's like more of a clear underlying like cause versus a disorder where it's just like there's there could be, I guess, a known cause, but for the most part you don't know what that cause is. It's it's several different factors. But I don't know. I don't I don't want to call it a disease. Yeah, um, because I feel like it's all of us deal with it, you know. Maybe, maybe not everyone deals with cancer, or that's you know, considered a disease, but I don't know. All of us at any point in time can just have those thoughts. So I don't know. I guess if you want to call it that, no, not you personally, but like people. Yeah, no, I yeah, I mean I don't know. That was a hard question. I was like, oh, I don't even know.
SPEAKER_01:Like I don't want to be I'm kind of in between probably, right? I'm like uh a disorder, a disease. I'm exact like you have, but I I had to ask the question of you, but yeah, um, I'm in between, you know, is alcoholism a disease. People say it is, you know, some of them some people say yes, the some doctors will say yes, and I'm just like, well, didn't you just slowly like you didn't wake up like straight from being born and started drinking?
SPEAKER_07:Right, right.
SPEAKER_01:You're like, Well, my dad was an alcoholic. Yeah, well, that's because you saw that yeah, I think it's in a factor. It's a different factor, but you started drinking, you started liking it, and then uh you're you know, you couldn't get out of it.
SPEAKER_07:Yeah, it's I mean a lot of people have different vices, yeah, and that's kind of going back to what I'm saying.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, like go to the gyms and just be like addicted to the gym and never get out of there. Like, you were at the gym for five hours, that's a problem as well.
SPEAKER_07:Yeah, I mean, it's not as bad, maybe, but you know, there maybe it's not, maybe it's equally as bad as alcoholism. But yeah, everything's you do need rest. Yeah, you know, anything in excess uh is not good. So it's about finding that balance. But I think a lot of people just have their little vices to like help get through day-to-day life. I mean, that's what we do for the gym and and working out. A lot of people are like, dude, this is the one time that this is like my one stress relief, you know. Um and then sometimes it's it's alcoholism. But yeah, I mean I don't know.
SPEAKER_00:I think did you drink alcohol?
SPEAKER_07:Do you um I mean I used to like socially, you know, there was times when I was in college and overdrank, but now I mean I really don't. I'll have a drink here and there. Um, I think a lot of people too think of like faith and you can't drink. It's it's about getting drunk, not getting drunk. You can have a drink. But uh yeah. I I mean I just don't really drink in general. It's never been my thing.
SPEAKER_01:That didn't trigger some stuff, like when you would drink, you'd get a certain way, maybe depress or trigger something that caused you to have uh some dress.
SPEAKER_07:I've always been a happy drunk.
SPEAKER_01:If I was ever drunk, I was always probably some people drink for pain to cover up pain or something, and then that triggers you know uh for me, no.
SPEAKER_07:It was never like that. Whenever, yeah, whenever I was drinking, um, I was just like party. Like I was just I was probably in the best mood. Yeah, I was ready to go. Drunk 24. No, and that it's so funny. You would always be like one weekend, you're like, oh my gosh, I've had the worst hangover. I'm never gonna do this again. And then boom, the next weekend you're like, all right, we're back at it.
SPEAKER_01:Trust me, this came from the Dodger game. I'm like, why did I do that?
SPEAKER_07:Yeah. I think my thing was like food, like food. I I think that kind of makes sense why I developed that the eating disorder or whatever, is because like I love food. I'm a foodie. And like, you know, the everybody's like, oh, how do you eat healthy all the time? I'm like, I don't do it all the time, trust me. But like I know that in order for me to like feel my body right, work out, have good workouts, feel good in my own skin, I gotta I gotta eat good most of the time. And I just want to feel good. When you start eating bad, you're just like, oh, yes, you don't you're just lazy and you don't feel like doing anything. So maybe that was my advice versus alcohol.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, no, no, we all have our vices. We all have our vices. Um what's uh I guess some advice that you would offer to anybody out there listening, um dealing with mental disorder, dealing with stuff that you went through that would help them overcome. I know we talked about it. You say, hey, you know, there's faith, there's certain things, but how about if somebody's not religious? How about if somebody doesn't want to go down that path? Like something else that you would say, you know what, okay, that's fine. Maybe religion, you know, maybe the Bible, maybe you're so hesitant towards it. Let's start another way. What what other advice would you give them, I guess?
SPEAKER_07:I mean, maybe talking to somebody, maybe somebody that you can confide in if you want to take that therapy route. Yeah. Um, that works for some people, you know. Um, I still do it. I think I think there's a lot of benefits in being able to talk to somebody. Um, and maybe it's just about that. Like you just want to get these feelings out. And um once again, I think a lot of people think it's a bad thing going to therapy, but it's not. I mean, it's your own life. Do who cares what other people think? You know, if you if you need to go to therapy to get your mind right or you need to do whatever, work out more or find go on runs. Maybe runs will help you feel better. Whatever it is, um, you know, do what works for you. Um but, you know, having a good solid foundation, whether it be family, whoever you consider family, it doesn't have to be biological, right? It could be a good, a good group of friends that keep you uh going and and keep you to keep talking life into you, you know. You you want to surround yourself with people that bring you up and not bring you down. Um, because it's only gonna end up the same way if you hang out with that same crowd. Sometimes it's just changing, doing something new. So that's my only thing, other than getting in your Bible and reading that. Um maybe it's a self-help book, you know. I I don't know. Well, that's what I consider the Bible, but you know, like I think a lot of those books come uh stem from a lot of principles from there. But yeah, just just talk, uh, like recognize it. Don't don't hide it because it's not gonna go away forever. It might go away temporarily with your little fixes of maybe alcohol, maybe it's drugs, maybe whatever it is, buying stuff. Um, it my advice is stop relying on that for temporary satisfaction and try to make a solid, like deep heart change. So, even like I said, even if it's talking to your friends, family, whatever, just have that firm foundation because life is gonna get hard, like I say. And if you have that solid foundation, you're not gonna be shaken. You're not, you're not gonna um go back down that hole, or at least not as far, you know.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, there's a book that I read a while ago. I'll share with you. Um, it's called The Traveler's Gift.
unknown:Okay.
SPEAKER_01:It's a self-help book and tells a quick story about a guy who um had a great job, uh, family, you know, a daughter, dog, you know, white picket fence, the whole deal. Worked for a company, the company went under, lost his job, everything. They had to move, he had to get two jobs, work at a hardware store, daughter got sick, really, really quick, just kind of telling you, daughter got sick. Uh the boss said, Don't answer the phone when you're at work. But he was getting a phone call saying, Hey, your daughter's in the hospital, so he answered, he got fired. And while he's on his way to the hospital, he's like, I got no job, I got no insurance, I just got fired. He wanted to commit suicide.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:And he's driving this car and he's gonna go off a cliff because he figures if I die, uh at least they're gonna get paid and they're gonna have money to pay for the surgery that his daughter's gonna have. And in that moment, he doesn't go off, like he blanks out and he wakes up in another era, like another time zone. Like uh yeah, it's a really cool, cool book. I'll share it with you. And it's he wakes up like uh uh during the Holocaust and stuff like that, and he meets Anne Frank. And Anne Frank teaches him a lesson. And then once he learns a lesson, he wakes up again in another time zone. And uh basically like time traveling.
SPEAKER_07:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01:And then Abraham Lincoln teaches him a lesson. And so there's like seven lessons learned in this book. Um and it inspired me and hit me so hard that it changed me. And so I got a tattoo on my calf underneath my Iron Man tattoo. And uh I just have the first initials of it because I know exactly the way it was. And it's wisdom, action, responsibility, passion, choice, faith, and forgiveness. Uh-uh. And that's how I try to wisdom, I try to hang out with people that are like-minded, whatnot. Action, you gotta actually speak louder than words, responsibility, which is ownership, passion lead with your heart, choice. We all have choices, faith in what you believe in. Um and forgiveness, which is one of the hardest things to do.
SPEAKER_07:Ah, forgiveness.
SPEAKER_01:Forgive yourself, forgive others, forgive what you're being, you know, all these different things. So um, it really inspired me. I'll share with you. It's a good, quick, small read, you know, something else.
SPEAKER_07:It's so funny because that reminds me of the book of Job. I don't know if you've heard of that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, where he lost everything. Yeah, I mean, he had everything that God promised him, and Satan came down and was like, you know, everything's all cool because he has what he wants. And so God was like, okay, well, he'll still stay f uh uh steadfast in his faith, even if you take everything. And he takes everything away from him, family, everything, but gives him back even more in return. So it's kind of like the same a little bit, right? Same timeline where you just you have everything and everything gets taken away from you. Um, so yeah, that's a good one if anybody wants to read that one. It's a it's a it's a tough one.
SPEAKER_01:But it's a good book. I think the best advice that you're given is, you know, find what works for you. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? And if if if one thing at one point doesn't work, if another thing at one point doesn't work, and one other thing, keep trying and keep figuring it out what works for you.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:Um and uh just keep surrounding yourself with with good people that are giving you good advice and uh and keep looking for that, whatever whatever that is.
SPEAKER_07:Whatever it is, yeah, yeah. Whatever it is that helps you get get through those times, I I strongly encourage to uh I mean at least notice, notice that you're going through it. Don't don't be prideful and and cover it up because that's not gonna that's not gonna fix anything. The problem will come back.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, I think one of the biggest things is uh like I always mention alcoholism is uh if you don't think that you're an alcoholic or you have an alcoholic problem, you're probably not gonna change. Yeah so awareness is key. You have to be aware that, hey, I have a problem right now. So what do I do about it? What I do about it. But the hardest thing is to be aware, to have like what you said, how did you figure that out? You had to take you had three days. What I call when I was going through my thing is clear to get clear.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, clarity.
SPEAKER_01:Clarity. It's like you figured out like this isn't working anymore. Well the way I'm acting and my choices and the way I'm being and all this stuff, this is not going well. This is not going to be.
SPEAKER_07:I was insane, I guess, if you want to say it, because or if at least I felt that way, because I'm like, you keep doing the same thing but expecting a different result. Yeah, insanity. I'm like, uh girl, it's gonna lead you in the same thing. And it, you know, I I don't necessarily regret any of it because it got me here, but there's sometimes where I'm like, gosh, you know, I wish you would have learned a little bit sooner.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, I think we need to, you know, and this is probably some advice to everybody, you have to sit with yourself in silence. You must do it at one point or another. Whether you know, you and this is the thing, we always think like, oh, I'll do it when I when I hit rock bottom. Do it now.
SPEAKER_07:Yeah, don't allow yourself to get to that point.
SPEAKER_01:Like, go right now. Sit sit in silence, think about your life, think about yourself, think about your being, just give yourself some time to reflect. Yeah, and and have self-acuity and become aware. Because there was a great there's a great uh drill that I did a while ago, and it was to ask three different people a friend, a family member, and and possibly another friend. And it was to ask them a qu uh to tell you about yourself the pros and the cons.
SPEAKER_07:Okay.
SPEAKER_01:Okay.
SPEAKER_07:That'd probably fun. That was that was hard.
SPEAKER_01:Right? It's hard because all these three friends from different backgrounds that knew me in different ways in different uh arenas or places would come back to one thing, you know? I'm really like that. Yeah, no way. When I'm like this, I'm like that. And I just didn't want to accept it.
SPEAKER_07:Yeah. We're I mean we're stubborn.
SPEAKER_01:We're stubborn, yeah. We don't look at ourselves in a certain way. We look at ourselves in a certain way, but people look at us in a different way. And so that that drill or that that um I always say drill, but I'll have to do that. Yeah, it's good.
SPEAKER_07:I'll have them the old version of me and then the new version of me.
SPEAKER_01:I mean, there's still some things from the old version still hanging out, but you'd be like, Oh my god. And then right now you'd be like, oh wow, I maybe they still need some work.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:Which we all do, honestly. Um if you could uh give your younger self some advice, what would what would that look like and what kind of advice would you give yourself? Yeah.
SPEAKER_07:I would say the first thing would be to stay in college, uh, dropping out.
SPEAKER_01:Where'd you go?
SPEAKER_07:Uh well, I went to Pasadena City College and then I was supposed to go to Whittier. Um, and I was gonna be a starting volleyball player there. Yeah. And um I don't know, I was 19, I thought I knew everything, right? Um and the world was tough. I I s I quickly figured out that food doesn't just show up in the in the fridge and you gotta pay for gas and you gotta do all these other things. And um, I wish I just would have stayed in school because I feel like there was like a whole other like experience I could have I could have had there and played my sport that I loved a little bit longer. I I just I don't know, I I run into actually I ran into somebody recently. Um his daughter was in uh volleyball and she wants to, she doesn't want to play in college. I'm like, oh my gosh, those are the best times. Those are the best times. Those fun, I mean, not even the partying. I'm not gonna condone that. If she wants to I'm not gonna I'm not gonna say that in front of her. Her dad's amongst friends. The friends and the times, and I look back, I'm like, gosh, that was so fun. And um just playing the sport that you love. If you I mean, if she doesn't love it, she doesn't love it, but I loved it. And uh I always look back and and wish I would have stayed a little bit longer. Not even to like get a degree and maybe that would have changed my my life, or you know, just to play the sport that I love a little bit longer.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, yeah. Yeah, we always try to move on and and become an adult quicker and uh that's the worst.
SPEAKER_07:I'm gonna tell everyone you never know.
SPEAKER_01:I'll I'll give you I wouldn't say my regret, but I mean I could have gone and played like pro ball in Mexico and stuff. I didn't get drafted by a uh a major league baseball team. My brother did, but I I had the talent. I know I did. I I just didn't have the size, which was okay, right? But I didn't have the uh the eye-catching, oh like look at that guy, he's big.
SPEAKER_07:Yeah, same thing with volleyball. I wasn't six foot something. Yeah, you know, I'm five's six, I have a decent vertical, but yeah, like you had to sit there and watch me for a little bit. I wasn't the oh my gosh, she's yeah, I was she wasn't six, seven and just blocked everything. Like my parents would always say that. But I think a lot of it too was um I didn't we were really new to like the recruiting things, like to take video, to send them out. So a lot of my stuff when I played travel uh volleyball, the coach that at Whittier, I played with him for many years. So he knew. Uh and then I was uh I got also got somebody from Laverne. Um, but she also watched me for many years and she knew what I was capable of. So yeah, I mean it sucks. I I I think the reason why I didn't go to college uh is because I wanted that out of state experience. I wanted to go out of state, I wanted to live in the dorms, I wanted to completely get away. That was me at 19 trying to grow up, right? And get away from my parents. It's so funny now. I'm 31 and I'm like, I miss you.
SPEAKER_06:Complete can I hang out.
SPEAKER_07:Yeah, I'll come in over. Yeah, but I I just wanted to get out so bad. And when it wasn't, that wasn't the plan that in my head, my stubborn head, I was like, I want this, I want this. Then I don't want it at all. I'm just gonna go um go work. And I had another outside factor at the time that was like, you don't need school, whatever. Um, and my parents were like, okay, you're 18, you're gonna do what you want. But if if you're not gonna go to school, you're gonna work and pay bills, you're gonna do all this different stuff, and you get welcome to reality. You know, that was that was it.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, you never know. I mean, uh if it wasn't for that, I I wanted to join the military. I didn't have a college. So I went to college, graduated because I had a scholarship, so I played baseball. Best time ever. If I could go back in time, 2023, playing yeah, 23 playing ball in college, best times traveling. You're like, oh, they're giving you money to eat and all that stuff. Yeah, good times, right? But I want I really wanted to join the military, and I had already applied uh to law enforcement, and um I got hired right away. So I didn't go because I was gonna be an officer. Once you graduate, you become an officer once you join the military. High rank, all cool. Well, in 2001, 9-11 hit. Oh yeah. So I would have been out at war now. Would I have been here? Would I have had my daughters? You know, you never know. Because those were those were some hard times after after 9-11 and 2001. We went to war with Iraq. Yeah, and then after that we had Afghanistan and we went for Osama and all this stuff. And this is the hot years when I was would have been been there. Yeah. Doing my four years plus, you know, uh several tours and whatnot. And like I said, would I have been here? Who knows, right? Yeah. So things happen for a reason. Obviously, you fail. But I was just asking. I always wanted to serve my country, but I I served domestically, so yeah, I'm happy with that.
SPEAKER_07:Yeah, I mean, I I that's what I tell myself all the time. I was like, as much as I would go love to go back, like would I be the same person that I am today?
SPEAKER_03:Yeah.
SPEAKER_07:You know, same thing. Like if I could make less mistakes, but if I didn't learn those mistakes, I wouldn't be where I'm at. So, you know, you just like you said earlier, forgive yourself and move forward and learn from it and change.
SPEAKER_01:Um, what are some of the people that you look up to? Like anyone that inspires you to be yourself? Uh to probably a couple people.
SPEAKER_07:I mean, that's such a that's a good question. I would say God first, you know, that that once again is is a driving factor to to be the best version of myself, to find whatever purpose he has for me. Because I think that's a that's a question a lot of people struggle with. Like, why am I here? What is my purpose? You know, and and I just try to be the best version of myself in all aspects, uh, taking care of my body, you know, doing all these different things. Um so that's one of them. My parents, my family. Um, I want to be better. I want them to be proud. I think, I think they are. And then um, I would say the other one, my driving factor too is um just my younger self. Like, I'm like, I guess I want to say like my potential that I've reached. I think a lot of people, they always look at me and they're like, Well, you you look fine where you're at. And I'm just like, no, like there's I know what my not even maybe physical, but I know what I can achieve. I know I'm I'm capable of more because I've done it. So for me to sit here and not be living that is I'm falling short. You know, and that drives me a a lot too, because I'm like, I, you know, you know you can be better. And so maybe that's competitiveness. I don't know what it is, but um that's another thing too, where you know, I fall off, we all fall off, and that and that tends to happen. But I look back and I'm like, you're better than this.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah.
SPEAKER_07:So do what you know how to do and just do it. Because it's not hard. I mean, maybe it is hard. Yeah, but like you've done it before. Yeah, it should be hard, but you've done it before.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah.
SPEAKER_07:So why are you not doing it now? And I'm just like, yeah, you're right, you know? Yeah. Talk to myself, I'm like, okay, we're we're back on.
SPEAKER_01:13 miles coming up.
SPEAKER_07:Yeah, right. 13.1. Do you know? Yeah. Oh, that would be super cool. I wanna, you know, I wanna get into it because I really do we're doing it.
SPEAKER_01:I really do love running. We're shaking our hands right now. Hold on, everybody's like, shaking our hands like you can hear. Wait, wait, hold on. Okay, oh, we turn you off video. But that means we shook hands. She's gonna run a marathon because I've trained marathoners too well. So yeah, so one of the guys in my Bible study just did it. 13. Get out of here. We're going for the big one.
SPEAKER_07:Well, you know, I was trying to, I was never a runner.
SPEAKER_01:We're gonna work up to it, obviously, but you're gonna do 26.
SPEAKER_07:Okay, I thought that would be such a cool accomplishment. Like I said, one of the guys in my Bible study group just did it, and I was like, dang, that's so cool.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, it's really cool.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, I mean it's gonna, it's gonna it'll it'll change you again. Oh, yeah, it'll definitely for the better, obviously.
SPEAKER_07:If I cried running 10 miles, imagine 26.2. Yeah, I'm gonna be on the floor just like, oh my gosh, I can't believe I did this.
SPEAKER_01:No, you'll you'll be fine. You'll be fine. It's it's a daunting thing. But like, you know, when you're ready, obviously, when you're when you're ready to accept that for yourself. And I tell everybody the same thing. Like, could you think I can run? You can do anything you want when you're ready. You can do anything you put your mind to when you're ready, accept that and and work for because if you've never ran that, it's six months of training. Yeah, you know what I'm saying?
SPEAKER_07:Oh, it's at least, yeah. You know, um I was running a lot for that 13, uh, the 13.1. I was running three times a week, you know, in the morning on the treadmill. Um, I don't really like treadmill running, but like at four o'clock in the morning when it's pitch black dark, I'm like, okay, this is I got I'm doing it.
SPEAKER_01:You gotta get something in.
SPEAKER_07:Yeah. So um, you know, no, but I thoroughly, I really enjoyed it. It was almost like addicting. I was like, oh my gosh, I can't wait for my long run on Saturday. I was like, yes. That's the other thing. And I was like, that's the only thing I talked about.
SPEAKER_01:That's what I'm doing tomorrow. But I don't know. Tomorrow's like actually tomorrow's gonna be beautiful weather. I'm thinking it's starting to get colder. I think I'm gonna get 15 to 19 tomorrow.
unknown:Dang.
SPEAKER_01:That's a good day. That's crazy. In the in the mountains, which is beautiful. We're about to do the passes.
SPEAKER_07:Oh, okay. Yeah, oh that's nice.
SPEAKER_01:That'll be sore than I mean. I come home in the middle of the house. I couldn't walk. Yeah.
SPEAKER_07:After 10 miles, I was like, Yeah. Um anybody asking me to do anything for the remainder of the weekend, count me up because I'm gonna be sitting here icing my knees.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah.
SPEAKER_07:Um, because oh my gosh, it was just I probably needed new shoes too, you know. That's a whole thing. I bought my shoes, they were on cloud the cloud monster twos.
SPEAKER_05:Oh, they've got cloud monster two.
SPEAKER_07:Yeah, but I got them based off of looks. I didn't go based off of like my my own running gait or whatever. So I think I definitely think I needed new shoes. But they were I remember when I first switched to them, like it's a process.
SPEAKER_01:Like if you're running long distance, you all your little snacks, that's what I love. Nutrition is key. If not, you hit you bonk, right? Yeah, it's nice.
SPEAKER_07:Oh, you hit a wall. I yeah, I told people, I'm like, dude, if it wasn't because I used to run like three, I I didn't even realize the fueling during the runs. I didn't understand that. And then when I did my 10 mile run, um, I don't I didn't feel properly. And then that last mile, I felt like I was a slug.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. By the time you by the time you figure that out and like trying to get it, yeah, it's just like happened.
SPEAKER_07:Yeah, but oh, I thoroughly enjoy anything that I can get snacks during, like I was down for it. I was like, cool, I can eat these little nerd gummies and whatnot while I'm eating.
SPEAKER_01:I love I love like bobo's bobo's uh oh the little bars.
unknown:Oh gosh, so good.
SPEAKER_07:Yeah, I I I started doing nerds, the gummy clusters. Oh, yeah, yeah. Um, and then I would do like somebody said applesauce, because I didn't like the goose that they make. It tasted terrible. So somebody was like applesauce or even found these uh packets at Costco, they were just like pure mango. Uh and it was just carbs and sugars. I mean, that's what you really need, right? Um, so I would find those. Those were easy to down, and then yeah, nerds, gummy clusters.
SPEAKER_01:Those were good. And then, you know, obviously, if you're down and you're actually running an event, they have um little tables, right? Everywhere with like bananas and pretzels and bagels and donuts and shit.
SPEAKER_04:Love donuts.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, good, it's good stuff right there. Uh that's why I like running.
SPEAKER_07:Yeah, no, I mean, no, that's why I liked running too.
SPEAKER_01:Um, do you have like a quote or a mantra or anything you live by that that uh that you it's your go-to?
SPEAKER_07:I wrote down a couple Bible verses. Oh, yeah. Um, I wrote four to be exact, but um the first one is John 14 8. Uh, Lord, show us the Father, and um it is enough for us. Basically saying if you have God, you have all that you need. Um Micah 7, 8, though I've though I have fallen, I will rise. Though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light. Um that one was really good for me, especially, you know, in your down times, having the Lord be your light and your your purpose and getting you through it. Um, Philippians 4 13, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. That's a very common one. And then uh John 13, 7, you do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand. And that's a big one I've had to really sit on. Do you have it on you?
SPEAKER_01:I have uh 2 Corinthians 5, 7.
SPEAKER_07:Okay.
SPEAKER_01:Live by faith, not by sight.
SPEAKER_07:Yeah. Um they're they're good, I'm telling you. And like even that last one where I I tell people all the time that are going through it, I'm like, my situation, I can only speak on that. But like sometimes you sit there and you're like, why did this have to happen? You know, why did I have to get so low? But like, look at where I'm at now. So sometimes things have to be taken away from you, or sometimes bad things happen, but there's so much goodness that comes out of it. I didn't say this, but like before my incident, I didn't, I wasn't close to uh, well, I grew up very close to my family, right? But over time I like disconnected myself. I didn't talk to my parents a lot. I didn't talk to my brother for like two straight years going on almost. So um, even though I went through this bad time, like my relationship with my parents and my brother now are like I call them every week. Yeah, like we're talking so much, and I didn't realize how much that was to me. So, you know, and obviously where I'm at now. So those are like big things that I didn't see at the time that maybe this had to happen in order for me to get here, you know. So I tell myself that all the time. I yeah, I don't realize what's going on right now, but I I think there's a lot of times that we can all relate where we're just like, oh, we went through that, but look at the outcome. Like something good came out of it, even though it sucks. And like sometimes we don't understand it.
SPEAKER_01:You don't understand it and we don't need to understand it, just go through it and figure it out and learn the lesson and kind of move forward and say, you know, I'm not gonna do that anymore, or whatever. Um man, so knowledgeable at a at a young age. I wish I was as knowledgeable as you.
SPEAKER_07:I mean, I don't know.
SPEAKER_01:I mean no, you're sharing great advice right here, obviously. And and it took me longer to kind of grow up out of certain things. It was my dad's uh passing of cancer that kind of woke me up, you know, and that was 10 years ago. So um that's this is this these uh whatever you see on the wall of like marathons and ultra running and all that and and things that I did was because of my passing of my dad.
SPEAKER_07:I like that change. Exactly what I what we just said, like that's traumatic and that's horrible, and we can sit here and be like, dude, why? Yeah, but look at everything that you've done since then.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, and I and I I look back, and the other like one of the things obviously we talked about regret and all that would be like, God, why didn't he why didn't my dad need to pass in order for me to change a certain way of being? Yeah, like why can't I just do it 10 years before then change it?
SPEAKER_07:Yeah, like something's something could have happened, and I was like, Okay, yeah. Yeah, but sometimes things happen that way for us to, you know, sometimes things need to be taken away in order for us to move. And um, same thing like you said, like in the like I said in the book of Job, like you just God will provide, but also God can take away. And sometimes He needs to take everything away for you to kind of sit there and be like, okay, you know, like on where I was at, where I was just living my life doing, you know, whatever I wanted, and it was a great life on the outside, but it really wasn't, you know.
SPEAKER_02:It really wasn't, yeah.
SPEAKER_07:Um so I had to I had to learn the hard way. But no, that's that's devastating about about your father, but you know, there has obviously been a lot of blessings after the fact.
SPEAKER_01:For sure. For sure. Um before we before I let you go here, uh is there anything we didn't talk about or what would you like to say to the audience about them going through some hardship and bad times? Anything that we that you want to share uh some advice of of like, you know, what the podcast is all about can be broken, overcoming adversity.
SPEAKER_07:I mean, just to reiterate what I was saying, it's gonna happen, you know, there's there's gonna be things in life and and we're never gonna understand it, but try to, you know, obviously you're human, you're gonna react to things, but try to switch your perspective and and look at at things to be grateful for, even when things are looking very dark. You know, try to find some light in it and talk about it. Don't cover it up with drinking or whatever your vice is because that's only a temporary fix. You need to really fix the the core of it and switch your mindset, really. It's really what it comes to it. It's a heart change, it's a mindset change. Um and yeah, it's more common than than people want to say. I think in in my line of work, sometimes it it wants to, oh, you're weak, oh you're whatever. And it's just like, I'm human is what I am, you know. Uh, because like I said, there's been a lot of people that's like, hey, I've been there, you know, and I found my way out of it uh a little bit, but maybe they they fixed it some way, shape, or form. I don't know. But it's common. So find somebody, talk about it, therapy, friend, family, whoever, um, God, whatever, whatever it is, just know that if you're having those thoughts, they're not true. You should be here. I don't think anybody should take their life. Um, and hopefully I can I can be that person and to to get this out and and let people know that that's never the right answer. As much as you want to think that that's the right answer, uh, it's not. Yeah, you gotta think about other people. There's a lot of people that love you. I love you, God loves you, um, and you should be here, and you're here for a purpose. We just need to find it and we need to to get you on that. So wow.
SPEAKER_01:Great advice. That's great advice. Um what if if if you want to share? Um, I know you you like to be private and stuff, um, and and understandably, so coming from law enforcement and people you don't know and whatnot, but if you wanted people to find you and and get a hold of you of maybe they're going through something they you know they just heard this podcast and they want to reach out because they have the same feelings or something that you might be able to share with them. Um, do you want to share your Instagram or anything or an email or something that they can get a hold of you?
SPEAKER_07:Um I mean, either one is pretty it's pretty it's it's my information. But uh I guess Instagram, you can just follow me at B N as Inora, K H underscore 15.
SPEAKER_03:Okay.
SPEAKER_07:Yeah. So yeah, if if anybody at any point in time you hear this and you've if you've related and some whatever it is hasn't worked for you, or you need somebody better to talk to that kind of understands, I'm there to speak at any point in time. Um yeah, because I don't want anybody going through what I went through.
unknown:Yeah.
SPEAKER_07:That's for sure. I know I can't, I I'm gonna try to help everyone, but yeah, I don't I don't want anybody getting to that to that point. I want people to find the peace and the happiness because we we all deserve that.
SPEAKER_01:Well, I mean, you being on here and and and being vulnerable and uh sharing your experience and things that helped you overcome and uh things that we talked about, um, you're already helping people. Um so thank you thank you very much for for being on on Can't Be Broken Podcast. It was a pleasure actually having a really, really good dialogue. I we could probably keep going on some of the different I told you I can talk. Yeah, no, no, it's perfect because I've like, but uh, you know, I like to keep it short for the audience and whatnot. But maybe I'll have you back on. We can uh continue to talk and then we'll talk about how you did the marathon, correct?
SPEAKER_07:Oh yeah, yeah. My bodybuilding show, too. That's another thing. I gotta go back for that. I gotta do a marathon.
SPEAKER_01:We'll have you back on we'll do an Iron Man. Then we'll do an Iron Man. We'll we'll have you back on the show for that, uh, for sure.
SPEAKER_07:Of course, I'd I'd be happy to be back.
SPEAKER_01:It was a pleasure meeting you, and I'm a pleasure having you on here and sharing your experience. Uh and you know, everybody listening out there, just remember, man, that um we're all gonna go through through hard times personally in our own different ways. And perspective, awareness, um, surrounding yourself with with good people, whether it be family, friends, co-workers, reaching out to people, maybe somebody on this podcast like like Bree, um, myself, um, there's people out there, and you should be here. Um and you are special and you do have a purpose.
SPEAKER_07:Um and so and you are loved, and yeah, you are everything. Not none of those bad things that you uh say to yourself or that you're hearing about yourself are true.
SPEAKER_01:Correct. You know? Um, but thank you so much, and and everybody listening, just remember you can't be broken.
