Mindset Artistry
Mindset Artistry Empowers Corporate Creatives and Fashion & Entertainment industry professionals to discover their purpose and achieve career fulfillment through inspiring content, personalized coaching, and a supportive community.
Mindset Artistry
When Good Relationships End: Finding Peace in Unexpected Goodbyes
This is the Mindset Artistry Podcast. I'm Amanda DeWoe, an actor or actress per your reference, and an inner voice life coach, and I'm Janelle.
Speaker 1:Pulaski, an actor and career and mindset coach. We're your hosts and we're here to flip your mindset, to teach you the artistry of what we learned to keep your mind in check Over the course of our lives.
Speaker 2:we've taken on the journey of healing, living and being authentically ourselves, as we successfully built our individual careers in the entertainment industry.
Speaker 1:This podcast is designed for you so you can discover your goals and courageously reach them at your highest potential, while being a hundred and thousand percent yourself.
Speaker 2:What you'll get from us is real dirty and okay, a little more like a lot of quirky, along with special elite guests that nurture empathy and create a safe space without judgment. So get ready to build a mindset that is unapologetically you and excel beyond the stars. Welcome to the Mindset Artistry Podcast.
Speaker 1:That's good. Welcome back to another episode of Mindset Artistry. We're talking about how to navigate whenever you have the career, the job that you want, something you've wanted for a long time and it seems like it's working out, or the friendship or the romantic relationship and you're all in and you're showing up fully and the other side is done with you and they want to go a separate direction. And it can be very upsetting and unsettling and trying to figure out, well, what can I do to fix this? And maybe you try to troubleshoot or go to the ends of the earth and end up betraying yourself and who you are and your own authenticity and all of these things. And so that's why I really want to get into this, because I've navigated a lot this year, especially having a things, and so that's why I really want to get into this, because I've navigated a lot this year, especially having a wedding, and it can really be a positive thing. I want everybody to leave the podcast knowing that it's okay if relationships end it's a natural part of life and learning how to truly let go with grace and gratitude for what was, and really be at peace with how things are evolving.
Speaker 1:I have examples that I'm going to share about how I had to go several directions with friends for a while and then we came back together. We came back stronger and everyone has different journeys and all of those things. So I'm going to give a modeling example, an acting example, of when this has happened to me and some insight from having a wedding which has been wild and beautiful and eye-opening. And, lastly, I definitely want to give a few tips. You can call them red flags, which sounds pretty negative, but it's for those that need closure. It really shows you. Okay, I've tried and maybe it's time to take a step back. But before I get into things, amanda, I would love if you could give an example and it could be career or in your personal life where you were all in and it seemed like everything was going well and then the other side is like no, we want to go a different direction.
Speaker 2:Okay, I mean, I have so many examples from different parts of my life and journeys.
Speaker 2:I think this is a really important conversation to have because I think what we also tend to forget as human beings is that we go through different stages in our lives, and I'm pretty sure you'll touch base on that as well. But we go through different stages in our lives. We evolve, you know, experience different things and sometimes we repeat those experiences because we haven't learned the lesson or we just haven't implemented the information that we learned before into this new lesson or sharing that. So this is a very, very important conversation to be had, especially now. You know, everyone's kind of feeling great because it's summertime, but then there's like this overwhelming cloud that's happening in the world, so we can feel the pressure of even that type of relationship changing the world around us. And so how do we shift that? Because that's happening even so, without our permission, right, that's happening out of our control and so being relevant for the what's happening right now, like as an actor, you know, I, as I was transitioning from and I've talked about this many, many times but as I was transitioning from out of my nine to five, I got dropped from my agency. Like literally that same month that I left my job, I got dropped from my agency, and it wasn't because I wasn't performing, it wasn't like anything like traumatic like that, although at that moment it did feel that way. The agent was transitioning out of the industry at that time and of course I took it extremely personal. At that time it was like what did I do wrong? I almost felt like a kid again and it kind of brought me a little bit of, I would say, ptsd, a little bit of feeling abandoned or let go because of my childhood, like my parents divorcing and feeling it was me. Obviously it was not, but as a child witnessing that, I took it upon myself to take responsibility, that it was my fault, like what could I have done to save that? And so it brought me back to that moment of like what could I have done to save this relationship? And the reality is nothing. It was that acceptance of once I got past the emotional turmoil of like feeling abandoned or rejected or whatever may have come up in that moment sadness, anger, I mean it was like basically the seven sages of grief really is came acceptance and recognizing that I can't control other people's lives and the choices that they make. Unfortunately, we are the consequences of people's choices. Sometimes we are in. I was choices that they make. Unfortunately, we are the consequences of people's choices. Sometimes we are in. I was going to say something. No, I'm not going to say that because I feel like in the world today, we'd be taking it wrong. But we are sometimes crossing the road and we end up getting hit because they're not paying attention to us, right, they're not paying attention to this is a stop sign here. There's a walk sign there. No, they're really focused on their world and so and we have to recognize, not to take it personal and when I did that, it cleared up and recognize that.
Speaker 2:Okay, so maybe this wasn't meant for me to stay in this agency. Maybe it's time for me to branch out and understand what it is to take ownership of going. I'm not starting over, I'm starting from this point on and elevating and anew. Right, I'm not starting over, I'm just starting anew. This is a new chapter. And so I took ownership of that and recognizing that it was okay. It was okay to let go of that relationship, it was okay to let go of that agency. It did not define me as an actor. It did not define where my career was going to go. It just changed paths a little bit and required me to meet it there and then go beyond it and shift my mindset and focus on what I actually wanted for my career moving forward. It gave me a sense of freedom too, because I can start from scratch, I can pick a new agent, I can work with some new people. So it was all that to say is.
Speaker 2:In the moment it does feel dreary, it does feel like the end of the world, whatever that relationship may be. It feels like all that hard work is now blown to crap. You know, all of that hard work meant nothing, but that hard work and the work that you did did not go anywhere. Like you can clarify, you can hold onto the fact that you've done the work. You did it and it's still there within you and now you take a step forward, knowing that you have control, you can change your path, you can take ownership of the next steps. So that was a big one for me, especially because I didn't realize how much I was holding on to the trauma and pain and suffering and sadness of my parents divorcing and taking responsibility for it as if it was mine and it wasn't. So all I just say is right is, sometimes there's so much out of our control. Focus on what you can't control, and I'm pretty sure that Janelle's going to talk about that moving forward.
Speaker 2:But that's definitely something that, even now that I think about it, you chuckle and laugh and like girl, if you only knew, like if you only knew it was fine, you're going to be fine, it's going to be fine, literally, so yeah.
Speaker 1:Yes, I love it and you do see, the longer you're in this industry, okay, I see how that worked out and that worked out. I mean, I've gone through a few reps and every time it's like, okay, but then the one I have now is super helpful, and who knows what will happen for however many more years I'm around and doing this. We're talking a lot about process and processing on this podcast and you used it as a tool, and at that time it probably wasn't the way you were thinking, but it just so happened that you're like what is the core of what's going on here? Oh, it's about my parents. This thing with the agency is about the relationship to my parents, and I would love everybody listening to start thinking of it that way, because then it does help you work through it. So the modeling example I always wanted to work for Ralph Lauren from a young age.
Speaker 1:I always admired the girls in the magazines and the clothes and this elite status or whatever. I thought it was like, oh my gosh, they have horses and I just wanted to be a part of it, and so, through my modeling agency, I was able to audition or go see a casting, as we say in the modeling world. I think it was six or seven times. They take you back, you greet everyone, you're walking around, you're like, oh my God, is Ralph here? And they literally put a string around your waist and they measure you and they tape, like your shoulder to your apex and your apex to your waist and your waist to your hip, and everything has to measure perfectly, and I would be so close every time. But then they wanted to keep the other model and then finally, after years, I've got the job and I had the showroom position as well, as I was a substitute for the production model for two years and it was so much fun, high energy. You're backstage and you're changing and you're in these beautiful gowns. You have to come out and show the buyers and hope to God that they like it.
Speaker 1:And then they got a new head designer. He came over from Calvin and he said, said we can't have a size eight, we need a size four. And so, like that, my job was gone. And it was crazy because prior to me they had always had a size eight showroom model, because when they started in the 90s, that's what Ralph wanted that eight. And so when I got that, it was this modeling job that I finally had for years, that I had dreamed of working at from a young age, and it was just taken away. And I just sobbed and I was so upset and it was also scary because I didn't work full time as a model till 2016,.
Speaker 1:But I started in 2006. You finally get this job and you feel like you have something stable. Well, that was a lot of hours that got cut. When's the next job going to come? What am I going to do? Is something else going to come through? And eventually it did.
Speaker 1:But, like you were talking about, I was like, oh, what could I have done better? There's nothing I could do. I can't be a smaller size physically bone structure. I can't be that small. So I had to let go and hope and pray.
Speaker 1:And then I actually talked to a model at a party in February our agency party and she was in tears and my gosh, it was weird. It was like talking to a younger version of myself. She had just lost a big client and it was her first big client and her first loss. She's like is the agency going to get rid of me? Am I ever going to work again? I was like you've got this. You're amazing. Something else is going to come along Amanda and I are talking about. There's going to be more agents, there'll be more reps, there's going to be more modeling jobs, as long as you stay true to yourself and Amanda is so wonderful at this, like coaching, the inner voice and empowerment and authenticity Once you really know who you are and you just stay on that path and true to who you are, the right stuff aligns. I want to get into the interpersonal relationships, but what do you have to add to that?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I had a thought and it did not escape, because I won't use that word, so it's lingering in there. It'll come back, but it just made me think of like so yes, this world, this industry and I've been changing post COVID and the strike and they were just constant. It's just industry was pushing work out internationally and now they're slowly bringing it back, but the budget's not there and so they're not paying as much as they used to. People are compromising all these things. My advice is especially because think of everything that you interact with in your life as a relationship relationship with money, a relationship with yourself. There it is, I got it. A relationship with your creativity, a relationship with your family. Don't only think that relationships is just a physical thing. It's an emotional thing, it's a spiritual thing, it's a mindset. What is your relationship with your mindset as well? And it goes beyond authenticity as well.
Speaker 2:I think what I would like people to understand is this word authenticity keeps being thrown around. It has been like the zeitgeist of the moment for the past, like three, four years is just tap into your identity. Who do you want to be, what do you want to do and what do you inspire or aspire to do and impact the world. That is your authenticity, that is your power. If you don't want to use authenticity, use your power. Who am I and what do I want to leave behind? What do I want to experience? What do I want to interact with? And as you do that, the relationship with yourself you're going to have to come to terms, and this is one of the biggest lessons that I've learned, which is why I am so adamant about teaching people of understanding self-love. Understanding who you are as a person, who you are, beyond the labels, beyond the career, beyond the expectations of others, is understanding that the relationship with yourself is going to change. And sometimes you have to come to terms with a version of you that no longer is allowed to exist in the present nor the future. And that is a hard pill to swallow, because that means that you have to accept the fact that you've made mistakes. You've made choices that didn't quite pan out or the expectations that maybe you had for yourself. You didn't follow through with them, and that's okay. But you've got to get comfortable with recognizing that we tend to hold on to like well who I used to be and I used to be amazing, I used to attract money and all these things, and I was booking left and right and it's like, but yeah, you've changed since then and that relationship that you had with yourself then and now has shifted. Sometimes the world breaks that relationship down with ourselves because they'd have these again.
Speaker 2:Speaking of expectations, the expectations of the world, the industry changes. We all had to shift within the acting career and modeling career, we literally went from going into the rooms weekly, monthly, to not even walking into audition rooms for years, now four years. That is a big relationship. Change, also with ourselves, is how do you adapt, how do you evolve, how do you shift? And this is that important relationship with the me, myself and I and recognizing that it's not healthy sometimes to hold on what was you got to move forward to, what is right now and what it could be and what it can be and what you inspire it to be, and that's a lot.
Speaker 2:And sometimes because we think and then the vice versa is we think so far ahead that we want to control everything and then we don't give ourselves the liberation of exploring ourselves and exploring life in the moment. Right, and it feels like I'm going on a tangent. I hope this relates and I hope that this resonates with you because it's been something that's been on my mind and as we enter the spring, or the summer equinox or summer solstice, this is our spring, I mean, this is our blooming season, this is our excitement. Use that, so tap into the relationship and yourself of the past, like your winter, your fall version of yourself, and who's the version of you that you want to see in the summer, moving forward throughout the rest of the year. And you got to sit down with yourself and say, okay, all right, we tried this, we did this. I think it's time that we let this go.
Speaker 2:Stop holding on to these expectations or these failures, like that moment that I did not know I was holding on to my parents' divorce, like I did not know that I can speak to it now but I did not know that that was a lingering factor that was affecting my interaction with people, like holding onto things a little too tight or the opposite, pushing things away because it was getting too close and the fear of losing it and then the fear of getting hurt.
Speaker 2:So you really have to stand our ground and explore around ourselves and within ourselves the relationship. So, yeah, that just came to my mind, because I was like, yeah, the relationship is not just with other people, it's with the me myself and I. It's with that that quote unquote authenticity. And how do you transition that into your career, into relationships? And that authenticity the me myself and I does change. And some people don't recognize that. Some people can't take the road with you because they haven't evolved or they don't understand or they don't know how to nurture that because you were serving their story in that particular way.
Speaker 1:You're the compass at the end of the day. That's like, yeah, we're changing, we're evolving, and what you need in relationship to everything else is what matters regarding you. There's a way to do that. You don't have to hurt people. People think it's selfish or something I talk about. Self-love is not selfish, it's not. It's just you feel how you feel and you need what you need and that's it.
Speaker 1:I was engaged once before and I was 20, 21. That was a really hard rejection and that I knew that we were meant to split and he had the courage to finally be like you know. He literally said I wish I was the one for you, but I'm not. It still gives me chills. First love, like five years, like I was head over heels. I mean that took me like at least a year or more to get through that until I was able to be picked up by something else. But I remember his sister saying to me so I wouldn't take things so personally For a life partner you kind of have to be what each other needs, not completely fulfilling each other, but there are these core values, my husband and I so funny to say that, even though we've been married for a while behind the scenes, but we have our differences but our core values align, more than the man that I was engaged to when I was 21. And so that was a huge rejection, because I was all in and I was trying to make it work with him and we were going to counseling and doing all this stuff and finally he had to be like no. And that speaks strictly to what you were just mentioning about the evolving and people evolving with you, and I want everybody listening. It doesn't have to be negative. Sometimes it becomes this thing where everyone's like that's a bad person, no, it's just the road has ended for you too, to keep it from going downhill and becoming negative, it's really important to pay attention to yourself. First is what we're talking about. But then to the other person.
Speaker 1:I have two really lovely examples One of my bridesmaids. We were super close in middle school, through high school and then, whenever I moved to New York City, I kept trying to keep the relationship going and she didn't. And it was the most painful thing for me, because not everybody has the capacity to do long distance, you know. And it's a friendship. It's not just for romance, that's for friendships too. I mean, we were so close Middle school, high school. You see, every single day you come up together, you go through some really intense stuff, and so I worked through that and then we would kind of talk here and there. But then she asked me to be in her wedding last year and I cried when I did a speech at her thing, like, oh my gosh, I remember on the bus when I was being really mean to myself and you had me look in the mirror and say, hey, this is a girl I love. Look in that mirror and tell you, tell her what you love about you, and she really had my back. So to lose that, when I moved to New York City and didn't know anybody, she went off to nursing school and stayed in our small town and did her thing, and then I was trying to tackle the city. But the beautiful thing that I'm trying to share is look at that how many years later Almost 10 years later full circle. She still wanted me at her wedding and then I had her in mine.
Speaker 1:And now, from this point forward, we vowed to stay closer but we had that break and it was painful, but it had to happen for us to evolve on our different paths. You're saying we're all on different journeys, but if we had duked it out and had some terrible fight, you know when you're just trying to make something work, that's not working and then it just gets weird. Everybody we're trying to get you to avoid that. Don't do it. Don't make yourself look like a crazy person at work because you're trying to please the boss to the point that you're embarrassing yourself. There's all this weird stuff that comes out of insecurity when you're trying to save it.
Speaker 1:But she was a different point in her life.
Speaker 1:She was finally in a healthy place and she had not been for so long and she was like I can't be present when you're going through this because I got out of my darkness and I can't be there for years. And we both cried, but it wasn't like, oh, janelle's so bad or she's so bad, it was just the way it was. She had already gone on her journey over here and I needed to do my thing and then six months later, we were able to come back together and now our friendship is like so much deeper and now I know like friend for life. But that was so scary when all of that was happening because you don't know, like you're saying we always want to know what's happening in the future and control it and feel safe. I'll pass back to Amanda and then close up with these red flags. I'm going to give you examples of when it's time to take space from different relationships and let them breathe. But before I get into that, amanda, what do you have to add to what I was sharing?
Speaker 2:Yeah, honor people where they are and where they want to go, and honor yourself in that regard as well and understand that you have to respect people's boundaries. Right, you have to respect people's boundaries because, like you said and you spoke to, it is that not everybody has a capacity to handle your stress, to handle what you've got going on, and sometimes we get so caught up in our own thing that we put so much pressure on other people that we they start, I guess, pushing themselves away or stepping it back and then we take it personal. It's like, don't take it personal. You got to also understand that you're offloading on people that they may not know how to communicate to you. They may not know how to tell you like it's too much, you're too much right now. It's a lot, and what is important is we have to get comfortable with having that conversation with people and also, again, honor people when they say that in the sense of yeah, I'm not saying it to be mean, I'm not saying, well, they're not probably saying it to be mean, but they're telling you from their heart where they are and it's understanding them and taking that, but not taking it personal. It's just listening, listen to people, slow down and stop putting on expectations on people to fulfill a need that you have to provide for yourself. Stop putting on expectations on other people that you have to. They have to heal your trauma that you haven't even addressed yet or that you haven't even healed yet.
Speaker 2:And when you do that, you tend that we tend to push people away and then, vice versa, they end up doing that to you. You're like what's going on? I didn't do nothing, and you're like, oh my gosh. And then you're like, okay. So it's important to understand that and I think, as I've evolved in my life and experienced things, I do my best to recognize where people are, believe what they say, watch their actions, to follow through with it and, as compartmentalized that may sound, have more inner peace.
Speaker 2:You honor yourself by doing that and then you are able to go okay, this is what I'm feeling, this is what I'm okay, I can release it or I can address it with them and say we have to have a conversation, let's talk about this, and I've done that many times over with friends and family and then sometimes it's not worth it because you know you've tried many times over and they just don't get it. And then that's when you, you know you let go and I'm pretty sure you're going to speak to that too but it's understanding that Sometimes we've got to set really strong boundaries I mean like brick walls, the Great Wall of China boundary with people and let them know that, hey, this is my boundary and I just need you to honor that for the moment, because I was just having this conversation with my dad the weirdest thing because I enjoy tarot cards and all of a sudden my dad thinks that that's the downstairs person's work and I'm like okay, I was like all right dad, I love you, but that's not what that is.
Speaker 2:Well, you know you should tell me these things. I said I don't have to tell you everything. Okay, one, two, I'm still learning it. So you can also be curious with me and ask, instead of jumping to conclusions and assumptions, that this is your expectation of something, because that's not how I'm reading it. Everybody could pick up a book or see a quote, and every person is going to read it differently. Every person is going to have a different reaction. Every person is going to relate to it in a different way, based on their own experiences, based on where they want to go, based on their goals and emotions and all these things. And so I found it hilarious.
Speaker 2:You know, there was some tension there between me and my dad with that, and I was like I don't understand why you think that this is such dark work and I'm like that's not how I'm practicing it. I'm practicing it along with my spirituality, along with meditation. So it's understand that. Ask questions instead of again being accusatory of like you're doing this and it's like that's not what I'm actually doing. And if you asked, instead of putting your personal emotion on it and saying, well, this is wrong. But if you step back and say, listen, this is how I'm feeling right now, but I'm going to need some clarity, I just I need some clarity here to explain this to me. What's going on. You know, had that conversation been had, we wouldn't have had that tension, we wouldn't have had that Ram, and was it, he's a Sagittarius, so the human, bull, person, whatever we wouldn't have had that head-butting and that fighting a bit in, whatever. But if we and we laughed about it after I'm an Aries again, he's a satirist very firesides, very, very fire, fire, fire, fire, it implodes in something really, really big. But once we were able to kind of have that conversation, instead of jumping to conclusions and being accusatory, it was going oh, okay, all right, well, you know, that's what you want to do. And great, it wasn't exaggerated. It wasn't like oh, this is wrong, I condemned you, and it's like no, it's not, as long as I'm not harming you, as long as I'm not harming anybody else. I find it fun, just like somebody wants to collect basketball cards or Pokemon cards which I still have, my Pokemon cards, hello, one day they will be worth it. And so it's just these things that you have to honor people and what they practice and what they do, unless they're doing something intentionally to harm you, and so be curious, ask the question what is this? What's going on? Teach me, because you'd be surprised how much you will become closer to that person.
Speaker 2:But by putting that fear in and saying, well, this is how I feel I'm setting that boundary, you're also putting limitations on your relationship. You're also putting limitations on the connection that you could potentially have and also learn something. It doesn't necessarily mean you have to follow it. It doesn't mean that you have to take it on as your own, but you're going. All right, I'm alert, that's cool, that's interesting, great Move on. You don't got to do nothing with it. Just because you learn something, you don't got nothing with it. You don't have to.
Speaker 2:So I just wanted to share that, because it came up recently and I was like laughing at it. I was like my gosh. I was like he was so adamant about saying it was, it was horrible. I'm like, okay, I was like it's not, though, but all right, I get where you're coming from a hundred percent, but that's not how I am practicing it, that's not how I'm interpreting it, and that's something that we should have had a conversation with at the beginning, versus jumping to conclusions based on other people.
Speaker 2:And this is where the problem comes up with having relationships and difficulty with having empathy and humanity with each other. We always jump to conclusions based on our past experiences and we put that on people and then we're like well, I had that experience with this person, so that means you're going to do the same thing. Not necessarily Every relationship could be different, but if you're repeating the same thing, then the common denominator might be the person that's been involved in all of those times. So it's taking ownership, getting to know you, me, myself and I. It's understanding authenticity, it's honoring yourself, honoring people as well, and being open to exploring different things within a relationship. And then, like you said, let go. At the end of the day, nothingness is going to matter. At some point, we're all going somewhere after this point. We don't know exactly what it's going to look like, but why not enjoy what we have in this moment, together with people, humanity this is what makes us so beautiful, this is what makes us stand out amongst the animals, and maybe we can learn from the animals too, because they can coexist, but somehow we can't. That's what we have to address. That's the humanity and relationship and, again, respecting others through their journey as well.
Speaker 2:And if we learn how to communicate, it changes a lot. It just changes. So learn how to communicate. Talk things out with yourself. Sit in front of the mirror. Talk it out, because sometimes we keep it in and then it gets so convoluted it turns into the Da Vinci code in there and you're like I don't even know what the heck I was thinking. You're like I don't even know how to decode this. So talk it out, write it out, get clear on it. And when you get clear on it, guess what? You can articulate it to other people as well, and then you can share it with other people. That's what I've got to say.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I always think of you mentioned sometimes when you have conversations with people, especially when the person comes at you with something and you're like, ah wait, I wanted to say this Just as much as there's space for people to go on their different journeys and take the space that they need to, there's also space you're allowed to have needs. So you know you can have needs, like my friend that was in a healthier place than me. That doesn't mean anybody's bad, it's just her needs were to stay in a completely like positive place and my needs were to work through what I needed to work through. And so I'm just going to keep pushing on this episode where I mean, unless somebody is really out to get you, which is pretty rare unless they're out of their minds and just completely like not in touch, I don't know, I don't know. But there's space for both, because there's definitely been times where I've felt guilty for having needs. And where does that come from? My brother has autism, he has special needs and so, growing up, if I would go to my parents with a certain need, it was always a problem. They're wonderful, but it's a lot to take care of someone that needs extra help. It's a lot to take care of someone that needs extra help, especially if society makes it difficult. So I always found myself overcompensating and overthinking in relationships. But it's okay that my need is to have supportive people around me. That's okay.
Speaker 1:And what I learned from the wedding year is I saw how so many different people deal with relationships literally 100 people and I was not hurt by anything. It was really fascinating. Genuinely I was like okay, because I've definitely gotten to this point. Maybe it's the age. You know, we're not that old, right, amanda? We're not that old. But they really do say, like my mom says you know, at a certain point I think she said it was her thirties just stopped taking everything so personally or caring so much, because she's like we're all on different journeys and going through different things. But I noticed there would be some people that I would speak to where I'm like hey, this is what's going on. I would love for you to join. You mean so much to me, whatever. And they would be able to say thank you so much, that means so much to me, but I have X, y and Z going on and I can't. And it was like no emotion.
Speaker 1:It was very cool, and then some people would get defensive and some people would project things on me and I was like, ah, I was just asking this question and there were times where I felt guilty asking people to be part of this huge event in my life where I wanted to not only honor Andrew and I but all of them. To this point I've met all of you and we're coming together under one roof, um, and to share memories that we've had. And so I was like, oh, this is interesting, that just um, subconscious things will come out of people, like maybe you get a career advancement or you end up getting married or engaged or something, and that's why you can't really take it personally, because people just don't have the awareness either. Whenever someone is being too much, you could say they might lack the awareness because they're so in it and that doesn't make it okay. Hopefully at some point they can apologize and come out of it. But I was just so grateful to have my wedding and it's funny.
Speaker 1:People will say, oh, do you feel different? I do, and not because I signed a piece of paper, because I literally pulled together everybody 36 years of life that I've had the honor of encountering and making different memories, with Everyone listening. Please boldly share your love. Please boldly go for the career that you want. You don't know how people are going to respond, but that's okay. Don't be timid, just own how you feel. Like Amanda will say, say it with your full chest, and so I don't regret any of it. But I'll say these three red flags and then I'll have Amanda wrap us up here.
Speaker 1:But we've talked a lot about trying to have a conversation with a person. You can only try so many times and if you go to someone and you're like, hey, I feel like this is going on, definitely trust your intuition. There probably is something going on and it doesn't mean you have to take it personally. But most people do notice a change in a relationship or something going on at work. It's energetic. It's okay to ask and have the conversation about that. Now, if a person just stonewalls you and shuts you down and isn't even willing to have the conversation, I would say at that point that is your closure, to walk away for that period of time, because from experience, I don't want to have to feel bad trying to talk to you about us, right? I want to be able to have the conversation and be very open wherever it goes. But if you're not even willing, it just tells me like, okay, this needs space.
Speaker 1:Number two if you notice and unfortunately I've noticed this as I've had career advancements or advancements in my personal life, whatever these milestones you're supposed to hit in life or people have feelings about, if you notice people in your life, any chance you make a human mistake, they need to harp on it, but they can't elevate you. Because I believe in accountability, hold yourself accountable, check in, make sure that you know, be dead honest with yourself. Okay, how was I today? Or how am I treating people? Am I honoring myself? Am I honoring others? But if you're doing that and then people can't congratulate you, or if you make a mistake, they just want to tell you about it, it starts to become imbalanced and it's time to step away.
Speaker 1:And then, third I kind of already referenced it but if you feel like you're walking on eggshells with people, you're like, oh, I can't even call them God, or I text them and they're treating me like I'm a nuisance. I'm not talking about like, oh, you're calling and texting them all day long or whatever, but just trying to interact with them at all, and they're probably going through something. But if it's like a long period of time, we all have different stages. But if they can't verbalize to you that they're going something through, to the point that they just kind of want to be in their own space and they're being cruel to you, that is another form of closure, at least for the moment. As I said, there's times where relationships can come back around after maybe months or years go by. But you don't need to keep pushing. Your needs matter too, amanda.
Speaker 2:Love those. I would add in if it starts to feel toxic, meaning it doesn't like you said, it doesn't feel safe, but like emotionally, if it feels like you're constantly on the other end of the knife, or if you're constantly on the other end of the hammer and you're like, okay, yeah, on the other end of the hammer and you're like, okay, yeah, but I can't even speak or I'm trying to express to you or I'm trying to get some more information. It's just constantly twisted to be around where it's like, why do you care? And that can be twofold, right, because that could be someone trying to reach out to you because they actually really do need your help. So this is when you have to have the discernment of knowing the difference and how much, and a choice from you on your end of how much do you care enough to go. I got to set my stuff aside because I've really seen my friends struggling here or someone that and like. So that's discernment for you and that's the question for you If, if you value this friendship, if it's a real friendship, if it's a healthy friendship, and maybe this person again is just going through a really difficult time, like you said, and is using you as a punching bag because there's no one else around, then that's when to me, that's a big red flag. That is a very big red flag, because I've been on both ends of that scenario and it's no fun where you see their call and you immediately get like your heart drops and you're like, oh my gosh, I can't, because I know that either it's going to be an argument or there's going to be some type of reprimanding and it's just like I don't even want to deal with that.
Speaker 2:So you also got to take it from that perspective too. Where are you in that setting? Are you the person that's constantly dumping on them and putting them down? Yeah, of course they're not going to pick up your phone call. Of course they're going to pull back from their communication. And then vice versa, is it you receiving that? What do you do? And if you feel like this is not worth it, are you just going to give them space? It may be difficult to give them space, but give them the space, and sometimes that communication doesn't have to be said. Just give them the space, because what you'll recognize too is when people are going through things, or there's two things right, when people are really on their high. Do they contact you when they're really just like high, or do they contact you only when they have like their lows? That means they're very dependent on you.
Speaker 2:So you have to really understand where your friendships are, where your relationships are within the emotional like graph. Right, if you're really in a high place and they're constantly oh that's good, good for you, that's not a healthy relationship, honey. That's not a healthy relationship because there's some sense of jealousy there and we all have a little sense of jealousy, but it's more of like, oh it's great. Okay, fine, I had a moment, that was fine. I just had a moment I could be doing that, but I'm not. So let me take it back. I am happy for you. All right, you know.
Speaker 2:So we all have that, but it's is it going too far where they're again becoming very toxic or negative towards you or putting you down, and then that's not a person that you need to be around and pay attention to that? Just because they're around when you think they are, when you feel that they are, how are they treating you in your highs and lows and vice versa, when they're in their highs and lows, where do you fit in their life? Are you considered, in both scenarios, leveled out, or are you just considered in their lows so they can dump on you? And it gets to the point where, if you keep dumping on somebody, they're tired, they have a dump site they kind of want to clear out, they're like I don't want to deal with that, I'm done, I'm done. And then vice versa, know, vice versa, Like are you or you know you're only contacted when they're in their highs, which is not necessarily a bad thing either, but because that could be something that they're sharing with you and they're just handling their lows privately, right? So people experience and people interact with lives and relationships very differently. And it's understanding what are you willing and capable of tolerating and interacting with.
Speaker 2:Because I've been on all of those realms and that's why I can speak to it where I have been the person that people dump on, and it got to the point where I'm like, girl, I can't do it right now, like you need to go somewhere else with your stuff. I'm sorry, I love you, but you can't, I can't, I can't, because it's just because at that point for me it's like then you're not saving yourself, because then you're not changing your choices. That's where I'm coming from, like, if you keep dumping on me, I'm at the same scenario six months in and you're like well, I'm like girl, something hasn't changed and you keep saying you're going to change it, but then you don't take action to change it, then I can't help you at that point. So that's where I come in, you know, in that. But that takes time. Back then, when I was younger, I didn't articulate that I'm like, I'm not your friend, I will go ghost to my friends. Sorry, sorry, guys, I did because I didn't know how to articulate that and it was annoying and it's like how do you say that? But then, vice versa, it's like fine, they need me, I know that.
Speaker 2:And again, putting myself aside a little bit, but then, within that, always honor yourself and check in with yourself. Do you have the capacity to do this? And not everybody does. Not everybody can be the person that people put their tears on for your shoulder. Sometimes you want to clear up your shoulders and be like I'm good, baby, I'm good, I want to be happy, I want to be in my peace. So honor your peace.
Speaker 2:But again, all I have to say is I'm kind of like a devil advocate here. I know you have these red flags, but they're not always red flags. There are some times, you know, danger flags because that person really needs you or they just don't know how to articulate that. And again, discernment, what is your discernment on? Understand, like, do you want to keep nurturing this relationship, even through this? And you can still nurture that and still set a boundary with them and say this is a little too much, I can't. That's also healthy too if you honor that relationship. But then it's on the other person and how they receive it. They may not receive it well, but then again they may honor, they may respect you and go. You know what. You're right, thank you. You know why I got started being aware of where I'm at, because I'm realizing I'm doing this.
Speaker 1:So yeah, it's-. Yeah, I mean, you got to be there for your friends. But yeah, if people are like bullying you or you feel like you can't talk to them, that's definitely like a red flag. Yeah, for sure.
Speaker 2:You know, you just set a healthy boundary and you limit the communication and not everybody has to be your friend. Stop throwing the word friend around. Y'all need to start throwing this word friend around. Not everybody's your friend. That should be a word that means something that's valuable to you, so stop throwing the word friend around, colleagues, associates, a work partner, all these things.
Speaker 2:Stop throwing the friend around. Because I stopped throwing the friend around word because I understood what it means for my friends, how I see them and vice versa. So they don't throw the word friend around. So understand, stop throwing these word friends around. If you don't even realize, you can trust there's too many people out here not have thrown a friend around. They're not really a friend, they will. You know, some scary stuff have been happening. You're like gosh, that's crazy. And y'all know what I mean. And if you don't, you should do some research. But you know, all I have to say is is like just have discernment, everybody. That's all you can do. Yeah, and you know, yeah, it kind of got like today we have low energy because it's hot in both our areas, so I'm just like a little hot, little shiny, as y'all can see my hair like a dewiness going on.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's just a straight up oily hair, beautiful, beautiful. No, but that's good, that's what we got. And then you know we have filters thrown on us. I guess Riverside yeah, no, I love it.
Speaker 1:I think this is great and I think it's hard, like the discernment, the balance, trying to figure it out. Like we talk about being accountable for ourselves all the time and you can, but at a certain point you can't keep overthinking and wondering about a person. Then you just kind of got to be like I'm gonna just take, but just it's not working. It's like putting the square in the round hole. Just stop just freaking, block down, because you know you can make things worse sometimes. That were no problem. You know it's like if you get into a fight and then you just keep going and then you're just fighting for no reason. If you were just taking, have just taken a walk like 15 minutes ago, you'd be like Andrew and I have to do this all the time. We actually started fighting. We saw on Instagram we put forehead to forehead and you try to yell at each other. That's hilarious.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you're like, ah, and then you start laughing, or like he'll be sitting, and then we'll like wrap our arms around each other, like face to face, and just try to breathe in that too, and then it's like then it cuts the fight in half. So that's what I'm saying. Yeah, like hopefully you're not the one you know that's the shit storm, but if you're not the shit storm, don't make it one by pushing where you shouldn't.
Speaker 2:And that's a wrap on this episode of Mindset Artistry Podcast. Don't forget to like, share and subscribe. Catch us every Thursday for a new episode to help you master the art of your mindset. Yeah, we got it. Yes, Okay, cool.