Broken Tiles
Life is complicated and messy...Brian & Stacey Upton play question games each episode that spark intimate and personal revelations about their marriage, personal hopes and fears, raising kids and the challenge of planning the next chapter. Follow us on Instagram! www.instagram.com@thebrokentilespodcast
Broken Tiles
Stacey Trashes Mother Teresa & Outs Brian's OCD
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Ever thought about how a Nerf gun fight could actually bring you and your partner closer? Well, in the latest episode of the Broken Tiles Podcast, we kick things off with some exciting news—brand-new, professionally produced music and a top-notch recording setup to make your listening experience even better. Plus, we’re celebrating a major health milestone that’s made a huge difference in our lives. Join us as we look back on how this podcast went from a fun scratch-off challenge to a regular date night ritual, with nearly 20,000 downloads. Oh, and we’ve got some new question games lined up to keep things interesting!
Hosting vs. being hosted?—it’s trickier than it seems. We share some personal stories about the comfort of being in familiar spaces, the juggling act of hosting duties, and how social anxiety can really shape our interactions. This episode is all about our journey toward being more open and the real connections we’ve made along the way.
We also get into the emotional (and often invisible) load that women carry, throw in a lighthearted review of a rom-com, and introduce the Adventure Challenge Connection Cards for couples. Plus, we relive a fun scratch-off dare involving a Nerf gun fight and even imagine what each other’s online dating profiles would look like. To wrap it all up, we chat about the importance of self-care, especially in motherhood, and the challenges of OCD and compulsive behaviors. This episode is packed with personal growth, advocacy, and a whole lot of playfulness in our relationship. You won’t want to miss it!
this is the broken tiles podcast that was easy and it sounds so profesh and all we're back.
Speaker 3That was this is yes, we own this, yeah music of our own uh, osha dj selecta seven s-e-l-e-c-t-a. The number seven on instagram we figured with the kind of official nature. We'll announce a few of these things. As far as sponsors and the studio we're in right now, um, that we probably needed to pivot and get some music that we own to open it to avoid consequences down the road.
Speaker 1Exactly.
Speaker 3Hey babe.
Speaker 1Hi, feels like a real upgrade.
Speaker 3It's a huge upgrade. We just press a button and we get the intro now.
Speaker 1Yeah, and we're in this cool sound booth.
Speaker 3It makes me want to do it again. Hold on, just to show people how technical. Let's see if it just starts again. Look at that.
Speaker 1This is the Broken Tiles Podcast.
Speaker 3This is the Broken Tiles Podcast. Look it, I'm like a remixer now. I could do that all day, because we already know I've got a problem.
Speaker 1Yes.
Speaker 3I think I listened back a tiny bit because it's been so long since we did I think we podcasted and then we did the group podcast with Megan, ryan, bailey and Kenzie yeah, so it has been a while and I don't want to. We don't need to even bog it down. It's really positive news. Let's give the quick update on the Mal de Debarquement and we can blow right by, because I think it's almost time to do that a little bit, but fucking, let's Venezuela know what's going on.
Speaker 1I'm not dizzy anymore.
Speaker 3It's amazing.
Speaker 1It is amazing. It's been a very long time to get to this place, but hopefully this is just where I stay and I'm feeling good. I can think I can speak. I was really struggling with that before.
Speaker 3The fundamentals of life.
Speaker 1The fundamentals of life and walking. Walking was also a problem.
Speaker 3You ran a mini wharf to wharf. I did that was great and you set the pace. I painfully ran behind you. Yeah, it's like you suddenly were dizzy for a year and a half and I think Stanford. You know they're not official sponsor of the podcast by any means. They're the sponsor of me. What a turn. That was space. And they're a sponsor. It's kind of a deal with Santa Cruz Vibes Media. Santa Cruz Vibes Magazine clearly would be now an official sponsor of the podcast in that capacity itself. But let's get it out of the way because it's a real life sponsor and it's got real life consequences. We're in an amazing little studio right now.
Speaker 1We are.
Speaker 3Soundproof studio.
Speaker 1Yeah, they have a lot to offer people here.
Speaker 3Azuki, the dog has been fired, although they do allow dogs down here. But we're over it.
Speaker 1She's not fired. She's just not going to be in the background of our podcasts any longer.
Speaker 3Satellite Santa Cruz and Digital Media Studio is the office workspace and studio you need Coworking, private offices, virtual office plans, video production studio, video editing suites, meeting and conference rooms available when you need it, 24-7. Satellitecommunitytvorg and you can call Olivia 831-531-2300 and get a tour. We use all of that. Now At Vibes We've taken advantage of the conference room editing. We're using these. You can rent audio equipment, but it's a really good and it's also got a good feel here.
Speaker 1They're a nonprofit organization.
Speaker 3They're a nonprofit and community TV is in the middle of all of it. So, and we'll kind of evolve that over the podcasts, you know, between the ones we're managing right now with Nellie and the Real Estate Podcast and Broken Tiles. But we'll spread it out and a lot of that information is easier to drop in the notes of the show. So do we have any other business to take care of? Am I missing something, or should we get right to it?
Speaker 1Business is done.
Speaker 3Oops.
Speaker 1It's been a while.
Speaker 3I know I actually kind of fumbled that a little bit. Hold on there we go.
Speaker 1There you go. Nothing like a redo.
Speaker 3And I think we paused long enough that we're sort of, in a fun way, just random questions right now, right, all over the place.
Speaker 1Yeah, so we've gone through all of our intelligent change questions and we didn't want to redo anything. So I've done some shopping. I found lots of different types of question games that we're going to dive into a few, so you'll get a flavor of that. But before we do, I wanted to bring us back to how this all got started. So you may remember, this all started with a scratch-off challenge couples edition book, and one of the first ones we scratched off. I'm going to read it for you. It seems like everybody's got a podcast these days, so why not the two of you?
Speaker 1Oh take an evening to prepare your questions. Set up the recording app on your computer or phone and interview each other. Unpack your favorite memories, strangest fears, deepest dreams and more. Get creative and have fun with it.
Speaker 3And that was the beginning of the Broken Tiles podcast.
Speaker 1Yeah.
Speaker 3And we did it and we thought the kids listened. And then, four months later, Many had listened. Venezuela caught on, yeah we were shocked. I think 18, maybe 18 episodes.
Speaker 1I think that sounds right, something like that. I don't know, it's not a ton, but it's been fun and we're so eager to get back to it.
Speaker 3Yeah, and it's connected and this is I think we talked about it through a series of them. It very much feels like a date night and I would actually reaching out to the audience. I would recommend the first part of it, which is do that, grab your phone, make a podcast and whether it goes anywhere, or you just listen back yourself.
Speaker 1It was fun that first time. What's the experience of doing it? And you have this opportunity to interview each other, in a way, learn about each other.
Speaker 3Exactly, and I think it's just a stop moment. And so you know it's a stop moment, that you know outside of the dizziness we're kind of rolling, half rolling, but it was. It's really um, uh, I don't think we do that enough. Where we, we turn it off silent the notifications and just ask a few questions. I'm ready. I'm out of. I'm out of shape, but I'm ready mental shape yeah, so this the the first question.
Speaker 1I've got a few, I'm going to have you choose one. I don't even know what they all are. This comes from a game created by a therapist, Esther Perel, and it's called the book is the book is box is right there, honey.
Speaker 3Where Should we Begin?
Speaker 1Where Shall we Begin? Oh, should, it is should. Where Should we Begin? Where Should we Begin? Book is uh. Box is right there, honey. Where should we begin? Where shall we begin?
Speaker 3oh, should it is, should we begin?
Speaker 1where should we begin? And it's um she. She explains it as uh story prompts for conversation for okay uh, getting to know each other a little more deeply, yeah, okay. So the first question is quite benign, but I think it can be really telling in what others hold as value to them.
Speaker 3Okay.
Speaker 1So the question is between hosting or being hosted. I prefer what.
Speaker 3Hosting.
Speaker 1I knew you'd say that.
Speaker 3Yeah, hosting, there's no doubt for me. It's hosting, In fact, I think, being hosted for me, but again, I this is I always got to kind of unwind there's this is the this show we do so interesting because your first thing is the sort of blanketed answer, but then there's the sort of the honest answer is, being hosted to me sometimes means you've got to put on a different self a little bit.
Speaker 1You've got to play a role.
Hosting Etiquette
Speaker 3You've got to play a role a little bit. There's a little more administration. For me, as counterintuitive as it sounds, being hosted to me is more on the treadmill than hosting, because hosting comes with the benefit of sort of being in the shadows. Hosting allows you to walk away because you're administrating, walk away because you're organizing it, and I think we touched on it a few episodes where outwardly you might have one sort of perception, but inwardly you might have like some social anxiety and those things present themselves a different way. But I feel there's a cloak. Um, it's weird to say you open your door, you're having people come over, but I think you can hide more hosting than you can being hosted.
Speaker 1You so can. Yeah, yeah, if I were to think to answer this myself, I have to say I think it depends on where I'm at in my life at the moment. Sometimes I really want to host for two reasons. I want to be in the role of taking care of somebody else.
Speaker 1I love it when our kids come and I can cook for them and get things ready, put together for them, but sometimes I really love to be hosted. Megan and Ryan, who we had on the show at the last episode. They're wonderful hosts and they just go all out. They make wonderful food and it's so enjoyable to be visiting with them in their home.
Speaker 3Now, that's a really good point because and maybe it's more of um, maybe it's more um, like everything else in the world, which is repetition, muscle memory, if that's not the perfect connection but Megan and Ryan wouldn't fall in that category, because we've done it so many times that going over there it's less formal and I feel like I'm in my own house and it doesn't. But the only reason that occurs is because we, we literally walked through that door so many times. It doesn't feel like a thing, it just feels like nothing, which is the that's the ultimate for me. It's no change in my sort of like, my, my temperature.
Speaker 1Yeah, yeah, I understand that. That makes sense. The other thing that comes to my mind is well, I do enjoy hosting. There are times where I recognize when we are hosting I'm not a very good host because I want to sit at the table, be engaged in the conversation. I forget I hear you gurgling.
Speaker 3I can't be all that out. It can't be possible.
Speaker 1I hear myself just getting deeper into a conversation with people and I forget about my duties as a host to keep giving them. You know, do you need something more to drink? What can I get you?
Speaker 3Well, that's where my social anxiety is a perfect balance. Yeah, Because I'm. I think when we do host, I am perfectly happy participating at length, but also kind of, you know, fatigue out a little bit. And I think those are the periods where exactly what I started this answer with, where you can kind of hide a little bit under the guise of now I'm fucking myself, because I'm saying this out loud to all of our friends so when they come over they'll realize when I'm doing the dishes I'm not being the helpful husband, I'm hiding.
Speaker 1Yeah, but you know what I think. What you're saying is you're being very honest in the fact that you say you have social anxiety, and this is. I just had a light bulb moment Recently. We decided when we're together in the evenings, or like having dinner with somebody, we're going to put our phones away and not pull them out, and it occurred to me that is another tactic of yours.
Speaker 3When you have social anxiety, yeah, whether I use it as a guise of I'm looking up information for the conversation. It's not necessarily I'm on Instagram or TikTok or scrolling. I think when I get on the phone, usually in the circumstances, I'm using it for what I think is part of the conversation. But I also realize it's not a thing. That hasn't been a big problem, like turning that off and flipping it over and not having it at night. I was five for five last week and it's just a quick habit to get used to. Was not hard at the Shadowbrook the other night, it was easy. It's just. I think we said during that dinner it's a habit and it's a. It's one that like our diet I think we we made the analogy and like working out, it's just one you need to sort of jump in and commit to and can you commit to 5.30 or 6 o'clock till9? Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1To be present.
Speaker 3Yeah, we just switched it All of our contacts. We went through and just switched it so that our emergency ones would ring through, yep, and then if you're just kind of vocal about what you're doing theoretically, you'll get less calls during that little closeout time and you quickly realize there's nothing happening. That's so ground shaking between six and nine. Yeah, it's almost like nostalgic for me, like the finding out in the morning, like, for instance, how my fantasy football team did. Oh that's kind of cool, it was great.
Speaker 3It's a surprise moment, that's kind of exciting that you didn't wake up because there was no. This is just how old we are. But there was no ESPN all the time. There was no 24 seven news cycle or phones that you'd have to kind of like scramble that paper and see what the final score was, because they would kind of keep it up to the print deadline. That's pretty good.
Speaker 1Yeah. So let me ask you this what do you think we just learned about each other with this question?
Speaker 3this. What do you think we just learned about each other with this question? I think we learned for, um, as far as brian and stacy. What we learned is that, in a lot of ways, what I learned is that we are passing each other in the night, um, with like a little bit more transparency and how we feel that what we would have said was a sure thing 5, 10, 15, 20 years ago.
Speaker 3Brian, super confident, brian, never thinks about those things. It's just this like cloak that you had on. It's like this, it's this image of what you're supposed to be in a situation. Sure is easy just to say no, I don't not necessarily always comfortable that, I'm not necessarily always looking forward to those, and it's a weight to carry when there's an expectation in certain events of like what your character is supposed to be. So I guess what I'm. I guess that didn't answer the question. What I'm learning is that you're more capable in those circumstances than I would have said maybe 10 or 15 years ago as far as like carrying conversations. Even what we're saying right now is that you would rather stay at the table and carry a conversation than hide in the kitchen.
Speaker 1Yeah, but 10 years ago it was very much the opposite.
Speaker 3That's what I'm saying. Yeah, because we're in character. Yeah.
Speaker 1We had pretty traditional roles.
Speaker 3And you had work to do, Mm-hmm, so did you want? Actually that's one I wanted to. I told you last night I might dive, bomb you a little bit because it's our own thing. You never remember telling me that I did. Okay, I said you were going to therapy right before this.
Speaker 1Oh yeah, right before this.
Speaker 3And sometimes with our therapist, which we'll probably need to explain that we you know I've never seen her, but she's. My therapist is, um, you just got out and I think, in general terms, um, every time you come home I ask, without intruding, is there anything that I that I learned today? Like, in, in what you do, is you sort of carbon filter out? Yeah. Like something, maybe to talk. Was there anything in generalities that you might have talked to these therapists about today? That would be interesting, yeah.
Speaker 1Now I remember you did warn me about this. I did warn you I was going to do this. Boy and I didn't prepare to try to filter out. I'm a slow processor remember. That's why this is a huge, but I'm just thinking like in broad strokes I had a lot of insights today, yeah.
Speaker 1About a lot of different things, one of which how can I say? This me a very long time to have the sense of I don't know if safety is the right word psychological safety. Not that I was unsafe, more of it is, not that you made me unsafe, more of it was just like my upbringing and my own situations. But to really express my own needs in many different ways and to take what I need without feeling bad or small or guilty, these are big, big things for me.
Speaker 3There's no doubt, and I think that was, that's perfect generalities, and I think for me, what I I can, I think the word that I come up with is you have become through age, through therapy, which has been a particularly great therapist that you have become a better advocate for yourself.
Speaker 1Yeah, and I'm also learning uh. This is another topic we talked about a little bit. I'm I'm recognizing, uh, what triggers me and why, and the importance of um and the importance of pausing before taking action on anything Right, there's an author by the name of Viktor Frankl who survived the Nazi prison camps and I'm not recalling which one he was at, but he wrote a book. Of course, I don't remember the name right now, but he has a very famous quote that states between a stimulus and a response those are the only words for certain I remember but essentially, between a stimulus and a response, there is a moment and in that moment you can pause, interesting and make a different.
Speaker 3This isn't it, I looked him up, but this isn't it and it's Viktor Frankl F-R-N-K-L, first name Viktor V-I-K-T-O-R. But this is just the first quote that came up, and it's not it. But it gives you the depth of the guy. And here's the quote. The one thing you can't take away from me is the way I choose to respond to what you do to me. Yeah, the last of one's freedoms is to choose one's attitude in any given circumstance. Happiness cannot be pursued, it must ensue. Yes, Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose.
Speaker 1Yeah, it gives me chills.
Speaker 3Yeah, that's really good.
Speaker 1Yeah, I think he's written more than one book actually. But you know, it's that moment between when something happens and when you choose to respond that you have all the power Right. A lot of people don't think they have power, and so we had a moment where we had a phone call with one of our kids who was in an escalated state and I met that escalation like immediately. I bypassed that moment where I could have paused and reacted in a different way.
Speaker 3And I, through our therapist that I've never seen, said our therapist would want us to breathe.
Speaker 1Yes, wait. She was so proud of you when I told her this whole situation.
Speaker 3I imagine, because I've listened to all of her words filtered through you. But I think to put a bow on that because I know you talk about it and I'll kind of strike through the middle of it because it's in generalities, no-transcript. As far as all of that, the confidence all the way around, advocacy all the way around, I think it's been sort of revelatory and groundbreaking to have somebody speak honestly in that capacity.
Speaker 1It's been huge growth on my part. It has been. It's been hard growth on my part.
Speaker 3It has been hard, hard fought, so scary feeling at times, but it's been great but then, like a lot of other things, not so much, not once it's said, not once it's out there, it's, it's, it's. Eventually you kind of find that you have um. All you really were looking for was um, was respect, and you were looking for my voice and respect of my, my thoughts, my needs, my desires. The same way you've seen other people basically get that for what appears to be free or no problem.
Speaker 1And the same way I give to others. That's exactly it, yeah.
Speaker 3Yeah, and it's just weird to kind of look through the glass and say how does one do that? And then the answer is one just does.
Speaker 1Yeah, but you know there's so many layers, whether it be, you know, childhood experiences is one thing, but then our society acculturates women to feel, to be givers, caretakers of all, and our needs are always last and our responsibility to make sure everybody is cared for, like the conversation we were having recently about the invisible workload of women and how that was really recently revealed during COVID, when men and women were both working.
Speaker 3And still exists even after that conversation.
Speaker 1Talk about that a little bit because I have something to say about it. Making sure that birthday cards are sent out to all the extended family members, making sure it might even be something more visible like the laundry is done and the grocery shopping is done, the meal prep is put together. Maybe, if you have children, their activity schedule is all figured out, their activity schedule is all figured out and somebody's making sure they are where they need to belong and picked up at the right time and they've got the snacks that they need and just all the things that it takes, all the little minutiae it takes to run a life that goes unacknowledged all the time and it's a heavy load. It's a heavy load and here's the time and it's a heavy load.
Speaker 3It's a heavy load. And here's the thing. After you said that, here's the thing you got through a checklist and this is this is the broken tiles classic right now. But all those things you just said and I consider myself to be a good person, I consider myself to try hard and, to use this bullshit word, I'm equitable and I want to hear it and I'm here for you and all these things. How many times have I ever done any of that Ever? How many times have I ever you ever heard from me saying hey, we got to get my mom's birthday present together and send it out before Tuesday?
Speaker 3How many times have I ever said here's the grocery list for the week.
Speaker 1Never. But you do run out and do you go grocery shopping without a list.
Speaker 3But it's still not there. And again, that's there. Is that part of it, yeah, but that's not the front end of it. No, and that's part of like, the whole thing we're going through right now, which is this again for me, it's not even it's different for me, because it's not like this, there's no regret, it's not upsetting, it's just like hearing a new podcast or a book like going, or a book like going.
Speaker 3Oh, I never thought of that before and if you said that I kind of blew through it. I'm like my first thought was, well, that ain't me, and then I started going through the checklist. I'm like I've never done any of that, the things you just said. I've never done one of those things in 34 years. I've never.
Relationship Dynamic and Rom-Com Reviews
Speaker 1Maybe I was. What's the term? Well?
Speaker 3without recognizing, I was telling you. Yeah, you were telling me, because it's not only that, it's like we need to think about your mom, which is me, my mom, you tell me, and these go out by Tuesday because her birthday is Saturday. And you're like did you send it out? And I'm like no, and it's Friday.
Speaker 1Right, but you know, that's why I also ask you to do the sending out. I think about it, I got it all put together and I make it very clear You're the one that's going to physically go to the post office and do that.
Speaker 3Yeah, you do it. You get down there, boys, what you say.
Speaker 1I do not say that.
Speaker 3All right, hold on, don't don't get, don't get too crazy with it here. I think I've got something for you, okay.
Speaker 1Well, the impact of that invisible load is women also have jobs.
Speaker 3Well, that's it, and they do visible things.
Speaker 1So it's the impact.
Speaker 3And on top of that the men yeah, a whole different again. This is a classic thing. That's for another podcast. What is this? Honey, this is a Broken Tiles TV reveal. Nobody wants this Netflix. Oh my gosh, so good. An agnostic sex podcaster and a newly single rabbi fall in love, but can their relationship survive their wildly different lives and meddling? I don't know why this is still playing so loud. I'm going to stop it. Hold on. I don't know why this is still playing so loud. Stop it, hold on, I can't stop.
Speaker 1You are out of practice.
Speaker 3I am out of practice. I don't know why they didn't stop when I went down with the boy. Maybe that's the button that broke, cause I put it under the suitcase.
Speaker 1Oh yeah.
Speaker 3An agnostic sex podcaster and a newly single rabbi fall in love, but can their relationship survive their wildly different lives and meddling families? Watch all you want. Kristen Bell and Adam Brody star with Justin Lupe and Timothy Simmons in this charming rom-com.
Speaker 1It is. Charming is the right word for it. I smile so much when I watch that show. It's great, it's great. They really go to places. You wouldn't expect mile so much when I watch that show. It's great, it's great and it they really, uh, go to places you wouldn't expect. It's for it's good.
Speaker 3I know why that didn't go, cause I didn't have it plugged in. Ah so I don't even know if that came across on the podcast.
Speaker 1Oh well, play just a little bit of the music now.
Speaker 3Do it backwards, we heard it, we did, you and I heard the music. Oh yeah, it wasn't playing. It wasn't, it would hear. This soundproof room would have heard it.
Speaker 1Possibly Nightmare Way out of practice.
Speaker 3We'll get there. Alright, that's all they get, but I, like you, I think it's every once in a while. I think maybe it's an average story. It's a rom-com. It's predictable to a certain extent, right.
Speaker 1There are some surprising moments and plot lines.
Speaker 3But mostly.
Speaker 1Like a rom-com.
Speaker 3Yeah, but I think when it's perfectly cast, all the way down to those sub kind of characters and what I'd consider like sort of those background characters, this one kind of goes up for me because I think it's perfectly cast.
Speaker 1Yeah, I agree with you. It's well done.
Speaker 3What's your rating? Tenths of a point. Zero to ten man you put there's no wings. You can do everything you want, but just you know.
Speaker 1Between one and ten.
Speaker 3Yeah.
Speaker 1Well, I'm going to have to give it an 8.5.
Speaker 3I'm close to that. I'm 8.2. My gut feeling was 8.2, way above yes, far below perfect, but way above yes. Absolutely and at 26 to 30 minutes per episode. You can blow through it in a night or two.
Speaker 1Yeah, how many episodes are there? Ten man, we're going to be done with it soon.
Speaker 3That's just like that other one we loved. There was another one we loved. That was like another 30-minute one and it's over before you know it.
Speaker 1Yeah, it's good.
Speaker 3Hey, I'm hitting every wrong button. I think we're only on question two.
Speaker 1We are indeed.
Speaker 3That I think we're only on question two. We are indeed. That's a good first one. I don't even remember it, but I know it was great.
Speaker 1Okay, so this next deck we're pulling from is from the Adventure Challenge Connection Cards, couples Edition.
Speaker 3Dang, that's a mouthful.
Speaker 1Yeah Well, let me just pause for a moment and give a shout out to the Adventure Challenge. Is that who this is? By no, but we have the Adventure Challenge, quote unquote, in bed.
Speaker 3That's right.
Speaker 1Yeah. So it's scratch off dares and things to do and it's not raunchy, at least not yet.
Speaker 3Was that the Nerf gun fight?
Speaker 1That was the Nerf gun fight.
Speaker 3Highly recommended.
Speaker 1Highly recommended. So I have this new goal.
Speaker 3Except you almost put my eye out.
Speaker 1That's true. I have this new goal to be more playful and I thought maybe this book would be helpful. And I mean playful in general, not just in the bedroom.
Speaker 3I'm less interested now.
Speaker 1I was all in for the playful Well. The scratch off revealed a suggestion of getting Nerf guns.
Speaker 3That's right.
Speaker 1Kind of having like a strip tease with it.
Speaker 3Kind of.
Speaker 1You have to wear at least five articles of clothing, because I think there's five darts in the chamber, or maybe six. Yeah. And then you aim for different articles of clothing, because I think there's five darts in the chamber, or maybe six, yeah. And then you aim for different articles of clothing and when the other person hits it, they have to take it off.
Speaker 3Yeah, I was an expert shot.
Speaker 1Yeah.
Speaker 3You hit me right in the eyeball and I think that's it, and the rest of mine were very much like I all of a sudden became a Navy SEAL.
Speaker 1Yeah, you got good back.
Speaker 3Yeah, everything's about motivation, but I'm interested to see where that's going. And did you end up?
Speaker 1finishing your thought, or did we get all the way off after you talked about-. I just talked about how this started. We haven't scratched off another one, but we'll do that again. You'll talk about that later.
Speaker 3Okay, that's fine. So yeah, whatever that huge long name of this company is, I think, between these two card games. So this is a random draw again. Yep, there you go.
Speaker 1Let's see what we've got If I oh no, if I had an online dating profile yes. What do you think my bio would say?
Speaker 3Um, uh, let me think this one through, cause I've. This is this is a. This is a big, heavy inside joke with our friend Kelly Stacey. Me, it's like an ongoing thing where, 34 years in, I'm obsessed with not online dating, online dating for you and what it would look like in that world, and that I want to create these profiles. So what would your profile say and what's the exact question?
Speaker 1What do you think my bio would say?
Speaker 3Man, that is now. Do I get to write it or what I actually? Let's formalize this question Like what I think your bio would say if Brian was not involved, and you would, and Stacey would write it. Yeah, wow, and this is, this is puts me way out of the sphere, because I don't even know what people write in these. I don't either.
Speaker 3And so we've, got to kind of come up with it. I think your bio would talk. I think it would be in these percentages, I don't know what order. Yeah, your bio would clearly talk about your kids on some level and again, not in this order. I wouldn't say you lead with it, your kids write about their kids in their online dating.
Speaker 3I would imagine you have to say if you're in a profile, you'd be. I mean, if you're, yeah, I guess I'm. You could just write I'm down for it or I'm down for everything. Let's nerf gunfight. I don't think I would I?
Speaker 1I don't think I would put that I don't think you'd put that.
Speaker 3So I'm just getting like what? Because a bio would be. Somebody looks at your picture, says I'm interested, yeah, Again, this clearly puts us so far out of the game because I don't know what you're writing here, but I think you would somehow work in there hiking, running the beach, travel. Those are the primaries that I think you would get in there. I don't think I don't think you'd be the kind of person that would open up too much of your. I think you would think it's too on the nose or or off putting to talk about like mindfulness and shit like that. I think you would keep a profile. You might keep a profile too, Cause you'd be hoping to get not Brian, somebody that wants to run every day, that wants to hike every day. Your first goal would be to unwind this and fill in the other part, that not that I don't do it, but it would be less teeth pulling. And maybe your bio just says that I just went through 34 years of this.
Speaker 1Say that's it don't want to pull any, but that's if I write your bio.
Speaker 3Mine would be you, my bio, if I wrote it, for you be describing me and say not that oh my gosh dm. If you're down, that's your bio. That's funny. What would my bio say? What would I write in my bio?
Speaker 1I think you would write that you love to have deep conversations. Oh, so I'm the asshole.
Speaker 3Thank you so I'm the one I just said I wouldn't have you write that because you think it would be. I just clearly said that you wouldn't put like your mindfulness and things like that, because I said it would be off-putting.
Speaker 1Oh, that would be off-putting in a day.
Speaker 3No but you're writing mine. Go ahead, keep going. So hi, I'm Brian Wait.
Speaker 1No, I have to reorient my brain to what would Brian put in his bio.
Speaker 3Yeah, so right now you're like. I clicked on Brian's bio and so far your bio says right now I like thinking about big things, big things, big things. Keep going. Do you swipe left or right if you're interested or not?
Speaker 1I don't even know what direction Swipe. Right, right, that's what people say.
Speaker 3That's if you want it oh yeah. Maybe swipe right. So for our conversation on the sale, swipe left, which is hilarious if that's the wrong way. But so far I'm swiping left and so far I think, big thoughts.
Speaker 1I want nothing to do with this. Brian, you like travel.
Speaker 3That's right.
Speaker 1It would be funny, and I'm not funny. I don't have your sense of humor, so I don't quite know, I think you can keep it It'd be ironic and funny.
Speaker 3Yeah, I think that's close to it. Now we can answer what we would write, right, yeah, I think you're close to it. I think what I would do is I'd try to craft it to filter out fucking nonsense and I don't know how to do that, but I think I would try to craft a bio somehow or the other, to um kind of like in that show we were watching last night, like they, they, they have a first kiss nobody wants this yeah, nobody wants.
Speaker 3this is the show. And they have a first kiss and she texts him that was a great kiss. And then dot dot dot, and then the very next one. I think I'm pregnant, Like that. That's really funny because a thing to say, but that would be my kind. I'd want to filter down to somebody that gets that kind of humor and I guess I'd try to work that into a bio. Yeah, Not to sell Brian so much, but to filter out some shit yeah, that's definitely the way you would handle it mine.
Speaker 3I had you sort of more on point practical and that's how I am.
Speaker 1What would?
Speaker 3yours be. What would you write?
Speaker 1oh, everything you said, I guess I don't know. I think I'd have to look at don't go too fast past this question.
Speaker 3This is my dream, we're actually half kind of doing it. I want to want to want you't go too fast past this question, because this is my dream, we're actually half kind of doing it. One I want you on the Golden.
Speaker 1Bachelorette no, thank you Naked and.
Speaker 3Afraid. Yeah, what's the other one I want you on? Oh, I want you on that new one that Taylor made us watch.
Speaker 1The British show Dating Naked.
Speaker 3Yeah, that's the only thing I want you on. I want you on dating naked. I want you on um, naked and afraid, and I want you on the golden bachelorette. I want you to get to the final two and then say I'm married 35 years, I've got three kids are like 40.
Speaker 1My kids yeah, no, so that's it Time for my question. Okay, you go ahead, so that's it Not interested.
Speaker 3Time for my question.
Speaker 1Okay, you go ahead.
Speaker 3I kind of forget what it was. Oh, this is one I just kind of randomly pulled up. I kind of like it at this point. Did we talk about Selecta7?
Speaker 1You mentioned him, yeah.
Speaker 3I just want to make sure we get all of our sponsors in before I go too far.
Speaker 1Let me see here Are you going to play?
Speaker 2I am out of control on, I just want to make sure you're creating the most beautiful airline in the world, we hired Emilio Puzzi to design our uniforms. Our hostesses wear reversible coats of almond green. Oh, it's not Pan Am anymore, that's right.
Speaker 1But I don't remember who you chose.
Speaker 3Blue planes, orange planes, yellow planes, braniff Airlines. Oh my gosh, braniff, Pan Am dumped. Gosh, that's. Braniff Because. Pan Am dumped us. That's right. Intelligent Chains dumped us. Who else have we had? Cha-cha-cha, that's it. Never heard that from Pan Am.
Speaker 1No, we did not.
Speaker 3I'm comfortable saying fuck Pan Am at this point. I don't think we're ever circling back around. I don't think I'm burning any bridges.
Speaker 1I don't think we're ever circling back around. I don't think I'm burning any bridges. I don't think so I think you're safe.
Speaker 3Can we break our mugs when we get home?
Speaker 1No people gifted that to us.
Speaker 3Who did?
Speaker 1Our children, two individual, two separate kids, without knowing each other, bought it for us.
Speaker 3Okay, I'm sorry about what I said about Pan Am. I don't know if that's a true story. I'm going to fact check Two different people.
Speaker 1I don't know if it was two kids. It seemed like Megan get.
Speaker 3Maybe, yeah, I don't know, that's right I?
Speaker 1can't remember.
Speaker 3Are you ready to get your mind blown with this question? You only have one left. Don't panic.
Speaker 1I know I've got three. I was trying to separate my different decks. To separate my different decks.
Speaker 3Here's a Brian question. This is the one everybody's waiting for, anyways. Is it better to be selfless or look out for yourself before anyone else? Who wants to go first, because I got my answer?
Speaker 1Go for it, honey.
Speaker 3Look after yourself.
Speaker 1Okay.
Speaker 3And I thought this one through because I don't know your questions, but I think it's an interesting question and I think it's a fundamental question, the more I thought about because at first the gut instinct is clearly selfless, clearly sure, but here's the thing is that I think you got to get yourself correct. I think, because even if you're selfless, are you your whole ability, are you your whole self? And are you giving your best if you don't have your shit in order? And let's think about your life, not that I, because we, the faults are here. We already kind of went through it with the invisible workload.
Speaker 3There's things going on you don't even even know about that. You're not this complete person. But when I saw this question it wasn't like yesterday, I saw it before the podcast here my first thought was well selfless, right, because that's the right thing. But I don't think that. My mind, my answer is I don't think the answer. I'm going to take care of yourself first, then branch out to the world.
Speaker 1What a great question this is.
Speaker 3I think it is better than I thought when I blew by it.
Speaker 1Yeah. So I'm thinking about when you're on an airplane and they say, if you are seated next to a child, to put your mask on before you help them, because you can't help them if you run out of oxygen.
Speaker 3That's exactly it. That's where my head was going.
Prioritizing Self-Care in Motherhood
Speaker 1Yeah, and a lot of like. Similarly to the workload, similarly to the roles and expectations of women in general and mothers I guess mothers is really it.
Speaker 3Yeah.
Speaker 1We are expected to put our children first always, and we are expected to put our children first always, and most of the time we feel deeply that, yeah, I absolutely will do that. I was talking about this with my therapist today. Your therapist, work and family I would choose my family. I'm not going to say no to that and let my work go. You know what I'm saying, because my heart goes there and, at the same time, if I am mentally, psychologically, emotionally unwell, I'm not giving them the best that I could. That's what I'm getting at. Yeah.
Speaker 3I do think it's a weird question because I think but I also think it's a big part of this is broadening it out, but I think it's one of the complexities of our human condition.
Speaker 3Right now, where there's such broadcast dissemination of information, it's everywhere we feel. We feel. We feel and we want to engage, we want to have empathy and we want to care, and we actually kind of do that in the form of even. Maybe it's a protest, Maybe it's basically advocating this or that, but I think we're doing it as incomplete people. I don't think we've done the work on ourselves, and this includes me.
Speaker 3I'm not saying I'm whole and I'm figuring it out yourself selflessly to somebody else. At what cost? And are you giving them the help they need? Or would it possibly be smarter to basically take some time or at least prioritize yourself, to get yourself whole and then start dividing. It feels, feels almost like a like a like a like an retirement investment. You know that you might be better served to basically work on that nest egg with knowing that there'll be a longer term return on you know on what you're investing, and you have to invest in yourself, in in this fucking, really meandering analogy I'm making right now. But you have to invest in yourself and I think it'll be twofold very quickly down the road for whoever you're being selfless for, Possibly.
Speaker 1Yeah, yeah, it's interesting. I can't help but think of like Mother Teresa, who was quite selfless in the work that she did and I don't know what she was like as a human being. I know that there's a lot written about her and I think she's also the person who stated she went through a period where she had a dark night of the soul.
Speaker 3Mother Teresa. Yeah when did that memory come from?
Speaker 1Well, back in my Catholic years, Bridget and I used to talk about this stuff.
Speaker 3Wow, that's a deep draw, but anyway. So she was conflicted or something, or what are you talking about?
Speaker 1She had periods of time where she felt disconnected from God. I don't know if I'm really making a point that is relevant to the conversation we were having now, but this is what came to my mind. But I think what it is is was she at her best? If she's giving everything without replenishing herself? Maybe she felt disconnected because she wasn't replenishing herself and giving herself what she needed to carry on.
Speaker 3Are you saying Mother Teresa needed to get her shit together? Wow Did. I just say that. This podcast, I found out, goes in the Library Congress. This is forever. This is just curiosity. You are on the historical record of saying Mother Teresa doesn't know shit. Don't put those words into my mouth, I didn't, you just said them.
Concerns About Future and Compulsions
Speaker 1Last question Okay, this last question comes from a box of questions from a company called the, and, and this is the long-term couples edition. We first came across this card deck not the couples edition at Mariposa, the Vietnamese coffee bar.
Speaker 3Strong, hard recommend of that place downtown Santa Cruz.
Speaker 1Fantastic.
Speaker 3Mariposa coffee bar. Yep, that place downtown.
Speaker 1Santa.
Speaker 3Cruz, fantastic Mariposa Coffee Bar, yep, but they have like vegan and vegetarian sandwiches and that place is fantastic.
Speaker 1Everything about it is delicious, including the vibe. It was fun, okay, so choose one of these.
Speaker 3Did it.
Speaker 1Okay, now here's how you play this game. You sit facing one another with a foot of distance between you, so we have a little more than a foot, but this is the best we can do. Choose. Well, you're supposed to choose 12 random cards. We're just going to do this with one. Okay, take 30 seconds to relax and look at one another.
Speaker 3That's terrible for the podcast.
Speaker 1And then person one begins by asking person two oh, begins by asking person two answers their question, and then you continue back and forth through all the questions.
Speaker 3Every question must be asked. Oh sorry.
Speaker 1But you do not have to answer the question.
Speaker 3And we're just going to do the one.
Speaker 1We're just going to do one.
Speaker 3Okay, but we have to look at each other for 30 seconds.
Speaker 1Yeah.
Speaker 3Okay.
Speaker 1So we're going to play music to entertain everyone.
Speaker 3We'll see you in 30 seconds. Look at me.
Speaker 1You always got to get this in Perfect timing.
Speaker 3You know it? Yeah, all right, that was 30 seconds-ish.
Speaker 1Was it? I don't think you were timing.
Speaker 3I just wrote an editorial about how terrible I am at that.
Speaker 1You did indeed. That's almost meditating. Go ahead and read it.
Speaker 3What are you most concerned about for my future?
Speaker 1Ooh.
Speaker 3Big one.
Speaker 1Yeah, I'll be most concerned about for your future it's a beautiful part of the podcast right now. Look at this no, and we're staring into each other's eyes, man let me get my nerf gun oh my gosh, how, how funny. Okay, what am I most concerned about? This is a tough one for me. I would have said your physical health, but it is on the upswing.
Speaker 3I'm shredded. Okay.
Speaker 2You are shred in my phone, so confident, but not true.
Speaker 1So I would say your compulsions, your OCD, how dare you?
Speaker 3I go around just like it's a China show. Oh my gosh, your therapy. You're right. I talk in generalities about it and without even permission, Our therapist. I'm working through our therapist on my things. That I'm very nice. I'm just so vulnerable with you about this newly found thing that I've got a word for my problem.
Speaker 1I'm so sorry.
Speaker 3Yeah, I think again, just like my carpal tunnel, which it wasn't, and the other maladies which I've diagnosed for myself, I've been 90% wrong. I think I'm right on this one. I've got OCD, I think we've mentioned on here. I pulled my hair out. I've been doing that since I was 12 or 13.
Speaker 1And the latest is the scrubbing.
Speaker 3Again, here we go, 49 minutes. I thought I was going to get away. It's trickle telanemia and I think we've talked about it before. I think that's sort of where it comes down to and I'm sure we're outing everybody on this. But um, uh, but it's, it's a weird compulsion and I think I've always lumped all of my sort of like um, uh into that one category.
Speaker 3But then I think as we balance out, we start identifying other habits that are, are, are odd, and I always associate them with trickle-tell anemia, and one of them is this kind of over exfoliating, scrubbing thing, even to the point that I've got a scrub daddy pot scrubber in the shower and I use it to scrub because I hate the sound of it. It's not so much the feel or what I get out of it, it's, it's the sound of that scrubbing on my body, that it. It reminds me of pulling out my hair, and I'm not pulling out my hair as much. So it's all traits I don't bite my nails, I pull my hair, I don't pull my hair, I'm going to scrub down to my my you know muscle tissue.
Speaker 1Well, I got a little nervous when you mentioned that the scrub daddy wasn't doing it for you anymore, and you're thinking the steel wool we're joking, but I am not. Okay, that's worrisome.
Speaker 3I'm not because it's this weird next thing, which it is just a weird thing and there's no doubt, but I think underneath it is also just small little things where you just not so much spinning but, yeah, isolating on something.
Speaker 1And what it is is the way. It's something that you figured out you could do that doesn't harm anybody. That helps to manage a sense of anxiety.
Speaker 3Yeah, that's what it is, yeah.
Speaker 1And so it's visible, you recognize it, and that just gives you opportunity to figure out. Well, is there a better way to manage this? It's healthier.
Speaker 3And I think there is. I'm trying that over the counter now, which is I wish I could remember.
Speaker 1NAC. I'll call it NAC N-A-C, but that is short for a very long name that I'm not remembering.
Speaker 3N-A-C? Yeah, that's, and I take five of those horse pills a day and I think if I'm on it it seems to help. Maybe it's a placebo, maybe it's the practice of doing it, maybe that corresponds with trying to uh the healing of the wrist and the abdomen and all that stuff working out, maybe more, I don't know what it is, but it's, it's a little bit better, but the scrubbing remains, you know as far as um, and that's just a.
Speaker 3That's a weird thing and I always talk about trick. I'm joking. There's no outing here. I talk about it like it's nothing to everybody all the time. That was when I made fun of you for outing me on it. But I think I'm open about it because I think I've talked to about it enough that I've bumped into it's a. It's a weird little thing that that's been passed down and I'm 56 and I haven't I haven't beat it, you know, and and so it's a. It's a weird one.
Speaker 1I don't know if any of our kids do that. I don't think any of our children do that.
Speaker 3I think they're so horrified by watching me do it and telling me to stop. You know when it happens, I think you know. Maybe that's kind of put them straight there. So yeah, and so what? So your biggest concern?
Speaker 1is that I just scrubbed myself?
Speaker 3out of existence. Yeah, it's a dream, it's a dream.
Speaker 1I think you wouldn't mind that.
Speaker 3I always assume two things. I'm either going to put like two, three or four words together in the right order about existence now, and I will just disappear or I can possibly like an eraser to scrub myself out of existence, that that you might think yourself right out of the atmosphere.
Speaker 1Actually I mean that that is the goal and so now do we turn this around and, yeah, you need to to share with me okay, let's see.
Speaker 3What am I most concerned about? Your future? Okay, I get the same pause Again, an easy one for me not too long ago. Were you ever not going to be dizzy? But that ended up being something you kind of overachieved, I guess, for me and this is just a practical one and I think it's more, I think it's more um, realistic now. But time is time and and age is like, I think. My thing sometimes I think about you is I hope there's enough time left I'm talking about all of it for you to kind of get out of this. What you think it's supposed to be for you life. That I mean like I mean that like you know, because it it it's supposed to be for you life.
Speaker 3That I mean like I mean that, like you know, cause it it it's one thing to let's say you totally are, but like, and for me it's, and I and my confidence is so high, you know, but it but it is. If I were to have a concern, I divide you doing the work you're doing, divided by 55, divided by um life as we know it. And I say this, but I don't have a lot of concerns about you. You know, you've got your career, you're doing your thing, you kind of are finding yourself on the planet and all those ones. But I still know that there's this whole kind of self and that doesn't exist. I don't think that whole thing exists, but I hope it gets to a point where you're on, and I think you're getting there where you have these long runs of like, long runs of like. This is to a most extent what it's all about. I just hope there's enough literal time left on the planet for that to happen.
Speaker 1I think that is probably relevant for most people in the world. Do we have enough time to figure it out and have this sense of equanimity where we're at peace with who we are, what we're doing?
Speaker 3Yeah, I think that's the and. So, while I'm kind of getting up because we're, as always, 55, 56 minutes seems to be our number, yeah, but let's kind of finish that one and talk about that question. This is a great one, that why that might be relevant to you know.
Speaker 1To everyone yeah.
Speaker 3Like that's a great one. That why that might be relevant to you, know to everyone. Yeah, like that's a great one, right, as far as like to ask it, I think we sometimes reference a first date two years engaged, 34 years married, 50 years married. That might be a really good question to connect somebody and see how connected you are, how far you might be off of somebody else's dreams or hear a fear if they can be honest with you.
Speaker 1Yeah, I was thinking what would it be like to have this conversation with other people you know and love your adult children, your parents and it's interesting because what you're doing is you're sharing your perception of them.
Speaker 3Right.
Speaker 1Like maybe you have someone in your life I don't know what would be an example. Say, someone in your life has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol and you share with them in a moment of honesty what your biggest fear for them are.
Speaker 3I mean, that could be life changing, and I think that's what I'm getting at and that's why I like the way you said that, that these questions and again with the goal being maybe you're not comfortable with it, maybe you get more comfortable with it, but eventually, if you can get to a point where, um, uh, honesty and transparency in these conversations it's just just a nothing burger. That's like a part you're just you're you get good at that part, then you're getting to the heart of the shit and it's like and it's, it's not, it's, it's incremental, it's not, it's not going to be this.
Speaker 3It's not always going to be this. This. I just had this moment. It's going to be this incremental person you become, where you're sort of honest and transparent.
Speaker 1And I think the barrier can be like the stumbling block for most humans is we can be really tempted to use that as a way of telling somebody what we think they should do and that is not helpful.
Speaker 3No.
Speaker 1It's, it puts people on the defense. So you know if you are concerned about somebody sharing, you know if you, if you are concerned about somebody sharing, if you are concerned about someone who has, like I said, an issue with drinking alcohol, you can phrase it something along the lines of all of your relationships with those that care about you Right and have made poor choices that leave you without a job and a stable living environment and alone. That's my fear for you.
Speaker 3Damn.
Speaker 1And does that say stop drinking. I don't want you to drink anymore.
Speaker 3No, it's your fear for them.
Speaker 1Yeah, it's compassionate, but it's also it's hard to be that honest.
Speaker 3Okay, you're reaching back for the scratcher book, back to how this podcast was started, and I think we did a few of these neuro blasts. We did the chalk on the sidewalk, we did the podcast. I feel like we did at least one or two more, but she's scratching as I'm speaking and this will be something we're going to try to accomplish before the next podcast.
Speaker 1Yeah.
Speaker 3Let's see.
Speaker 1Dust off your childhood family photo albums. Ask each other about your earliest memories what your childhood bedroom looked like, what high school was like and the things you were afraid of as a young child. Pictures spark memories and there's something about seeing your partner in their earliest life that makes you appreciate how life has shaped them. Next, pick your favorite picture of your partner and make it your phone wallpaper for one week.
Speaker 3Adorable, easy, cute, much easier than square dancing or whatever the fuck we were supposed to do last time. Alright, give me a number between one and six million.
Speaker 1Six million. I'm going to say 52. No 55, because I just turned that.
Speaker 3Well, you're kidding me, right.
Speaker 1Well, you said one in six million that was a total joke.
Speaker 3I'm just going to. I don't even know if Now we're going to go off list.
Speaker 1Sorry that was.
Speaker 3I just was doing that as.
Speaker 1Okay, make it half of my age. I'm halfway there now.
Speaker 3Okay, I'm already at. It's just bad air. We're going to be under 60 minutes now.
Speaker 1We are not Better watch what you ask for?
Speaker 3Huh, no clue.
Speaker 1Not yet. I think this is one of mine. It's a cover. It's a cover and I can't remember his name.
Speaker 3Are you guessing you it's a single name.
Speaker 1yeah, A very simple name.
Speaker 3So, your official answer is you. Yeah, my answer is you. But, I can't remember his name, doesn't matter the game is who it is.
Speaker 1That's true. Tell us who it is.
Speaker 3It's Stacy, so we both win. It's easy, cool. I love you, babe, I love you.
Speaker 1That was fun. Bye, bye.
