S2 E2 Grace

This weeks episode is about grace.  Giving, seeking, and our shortcomings.  Join us for a journey that even we didn't know we were going along for.

Transcript

SPEAKER_03 0:11

Good morning, good afternoon, good night. Welcome to another episode of 3LV. I am one of your hosts, Nathaniel. Call me Nate, please, because I have something in my life that doesn't like everyone calling me Nat Daniel. I'm here with my co-host Elijah and Michael. Sure. Sure. Hola. Hello, hello. And today's going to be uh a pretty good episode. I hope you guys enjoy. Stick around and learn something. Or don't.

SPEAKER_05 0:45

So how have y'all been? Is that a is that a comma or a period? Dired, just period.

SPEAKER_01 0:58

It's just because there's so many. I got so much stuff revolving right now. I got trips coming up, and then I got um trying to move, and it's just a lot right now.

SPEAKER_03 1:13

Nathaniel. Tired. Exclamation mark. Damn. Yeah. I didn't I didn't know how tired I was going to be after the holiday until after the holiday. I wasn't done baking and doing orders until two in the morning, Saturday morning. And I had to work Saturday as well. That's what I'm talking about. And then Sunday. And then I think I fell asleep at like nine o'clock yesterday. And then got home today, this morning, at 8 30 and then slept until like 11 20. That's what I'm talking about. That's when I saw your message and I was like, holy shit, I forgot.

SPEAKER_01 1:56

That's what I'm talking about. So yeah, tired. Be a man. That's what I like. Be a man. Yeah, give me some. No.

SPEAKER_03 2:05

Okay. Sure. Sure. Sure. So I'm tired. Okay. Thank you. Okay. How about you?

SPEAKER_05 2:13

Um, I've been I've been good. Um I could say tired, but like I I did get like sleep and I got some rest. Um I I'm chilling for the most part right now. I'm I'm chilling. I'm in a middle place. Not bad, not good. Just coasting, which for me is is is good. That's a good thing. Been going through a lot for the past two, three months. So happy. That's good. Happy. Um, so today's episode is about grace. Um, and we can kind of go whichever direction y'all want to, or whichever way, you know, Holy Spirit leads in in that in that regard. But at least starting off, what's the area that you guys needed grace in lately?

SPEAKER_01 3:02

For me, uh, because there's been a lot of uh I'm basically relying on other people right now. So for me, just being able to give people the grace of like not having high expectancy, like for me, for example, how I want them to do certain things, and it's not being done in a timely fashion, I'm not even trying to put myself in their shoes, and I'm just trying to more so be weary of whatever situation that they have going on. So um the guy I was talking to earlier, uh, I didn't know he had a family issue. So that's why I told him to call me at six, because you know, clearly I want him to be able to be able to handle that business before he even getting to me. If he can't call me at six, which I should already shot him a text, if you can't call me, don't call me. It is what it is. But just being able to give people like I wouldn't even say leniency, just giving people more grace on my I guess I really wouldn't say my expectation, just more so of like, okay, whenever you can get to it, you know you can get to it.

SPEAKER_05 4:25

Okay. So so with that, what's an area that you need people to have grace for you in? Like something that you don't do or are struggling with, and you need people to be gracious towards you.

SPEAKER_01 4:37

My emotions can get to to the max sometimes. So for me, I really wouldn't say I have people working for me because that's like a fair stretch, but they work with me. So if things aren't getting done in a certain again, time or fashion, and they know how I can get sometimes, and I don't want to get to that point, but I try to remind them like, hey, like, I'm not mad at you, I'm just mad at the situation that's at hand. I don't want you to take anything personally, but I have stuff that's going on too, just as much as you do. So if you're gonna tell me this is gonna get done a certain way at this time and it's not, of course I'm gonna try my best to kind of deviate the situation. I don't want to be this guy that's dishing out, you know, because they don't work for free. But at the same time, I don't want you to take advantage of me. Sometimes that's what I used to think it felt like was just people taking advantage, but then at the same time, I wasn't trying to be more I had more sympathy towards their situation. So for them I want them to be able to say, all right, he's trying his best, he's trying to understand where we're coming from. Okay, maybe he's not the big bad wolf. And I I don't want that image on me. But sometimes that's how I feel I come out to people.

SPEAKER_05 6:15

That's interesting. I think for for me, an area like I need or will hope that people have grace and like towards me or have grace towards me with is like the way I communicate. Because oftentimes I I do communicate and I communicate well, but if I'm like already bothered by something or irritated by something, or if I'm not, if I'm thinking about something and somebody come to me, like a tiram come to me to do something, and I'm already like thinking about stuff, then I I might like respond this in a way that's not like soft or like kind or like loving. So like that's an area that like I gotta work on and I need people that have grace for me. Areas that I give grace for people, I would say I would say I'm trying to learn how to give people grace when they offend me. That's like that's something I'm trying to do. Cause like I've I've learned that I can I can be offended and then like hold on to the offense like hard and like for a long period of time without realizing that I'm holding on to the offense. So I'm trying to learn how to give people grace, like if you do something that I think is stupid, like like not just calling it stupid and like distancing myself from you and like stuff, because I have a history of doing that. I have a history, like if I don't like something that you do, I won't come to you, I won't say nothing, I'll just distance myself and and and I'll just keep going on about my life. Cause I I've naturally been like a loner, so I'm used to being alone. Um so yeah, uh I think I think those are the areas for me in in in that regard. What would you Nate?

SPEAKER_03 7:58

I'm I'm kinda like you anyway. Um when I am bothered by something or I'm annoyed, I'm more apt to pop off or pop back. And then I had to call my own fail and and say, listen, you you're popping off on the wrong people. There is no reason to be popping off on XYZ when XYZ didn't do whatever you're mad at. So fix your tone, check yourself, go back and apologize and correct it, and then go deal with what you're actually angry at. Um, so that's where I hope people have grace for me. And vice versa, because if you talk crazy to me, man, I'm probably gonna I'm probably gonna be on yes. So yeah, yeah, I'm more conscious now of how I'm delivering what I'm saying to people who have done no wrong. And it's because I have to be.

SPEAKER_01 9:05

Yeah. Touch on that outside of business for me, how I'm addressing certain people, especially that don't deserve it, or even if you do deserve it, I can't go or meet you at the bottom. That's something that I have to get used to, is if someone has said something to me or and I've always viewed you in this direction, then if I see you again or have this conversation with you or whatever, I can't go back to whatever was said, especially if it was something to lowball me, I can't meet you down here.

SPEAKER_03 9:46

Because now I'm backtracking. That's hard. It's hard not to do, it's hard not to go back to the bottom. Because if that's where you at, and and if I didn't deal with the offense in the first place, I'm going back down there, Richard. And we're gonna have a good time. We're gonna we're gonna have a fun moment down there.

SPEAKER_01 10:06

Ain't that what Shannon Sharp said? I don't know. He said, if you go, if you go low, I'm gonna go to hell. Yeah, I'm gonna go to hell or something. He said, if you go low, he said, if you go low, I go lower. You go lower than me, I'm going to hell. Something like that. Okay? Something like that. So he's just saying that. Yeah, you I'm just gonna keep going lower than you. Because you ain't just finna get off on me or whatever.

SPEAKER_03 10:30

Yeah, but even even with that though, it's kind of it's kind of like, alright. If I say I truly don't care about your life and I'm going down here with you, I care enough to entertain you on this on this on this offense. If I don't care, I'm gonna let it go. I'm gonna try to move on because I got other things to do. So it's like, okay, let me try to actually not pay you no mind, work on what I gotta work on so I can actually be happy, learning that forgiveness is for you and not for someone else. It it makes a difference, and you also gotta make that difference apply to you.

SPEAKER_05 11:12

How long did it take for you to realize that? For you to realize like forgiving someone else isn't for that person, but it's for you.

SPEAKER_03 11:20

It was something that I've I've heard for the last few years. It wasn't something that I actively moved on until actively trying to move on until this month of February. I've heard it for about five years. Trying to move on it now because I have to, because I'm actively saying, okay, I want to be in a better spot. I don't want to be mentally, emotionally, physically drained. Let me actually try to be better. I gotta let it go. I gotta let your neck go. If not, I'm not only killing you or trying to kill you, I'm killing myself in the in the process. So recently.

SPEAKER_01 12:18

I think I think if you ask me personally why well, not even me. If I could ask you why this month specifically, especially if you said for years it's been something that's been like with you, why this month in particular? When if you knew what you was doing, why not try to change it? Or if you didn't know how to change it, or at least acknowledge it. I didn't know how to change it.

SPEAKER_03 12:50

That's one. I like I I knew about forgiveness, but I didn't know forgiveness. Um I knew I was forgiven by God. I knew that if I were to ask my parents for forgiveness because I was talking crazy, I would get it. I didn't know how to give it. Um I didn't know how to give it to myself. And it's it's a different ball game when it comes to forgiving someone else than when it comes to forgiving yourself. I'm way harder on me than anybody else can possibly ever be. Which means more more often than not, I have to actually say, no what? It's cool, we fell, get up, we're got we're good. You don't gotta stay down here. That's not a battle that you want to have with yourself anyway. Stop beating you up, it does no good here anymore. Move on. We got you got 18 hours left. Like just because you wanted to have a moment in the middle or in the beginning of the day, doesn't mean that the entire day has been messed up. My relationship. Okay. Yes. Went through whatever we went through. It's a relationship. Ups and downs are bound to happen. Okay. Or if you continue to hold this over this person's head, this person has the right to leave if you don't get over it. Get over it. Cool. People that you just don't like, if you don't like them, you don't gotta deal with them. Which also means you don't gotta think about them. Let it go. Move on. So if me thinking about something that's gonna piss me off pisses me off constantly, and I I'm actively saying I'm tired of being pissed off, I gotta I gotta do the work to become not pissed off anymore.

SPEAKER_05 14:35

I'm proud of you. Uh I'm proud of you. Because there's some areas that like I'm not gonna say forgiveness isn't on the table, because it's on the table, and I'll be like, hey, grab that. And I'll just be staring at it for some people. Like my grandmother, it just sits there. Like it just it just sits there. But uh I that's why I was like admiring like what you were saying. I was like, that's really big.

SPEAKER_03 14:58

That's that's really huge, because I'm not there like with some people. And I'm not there for some people either. I'm actively trying. Which means that those emotions, those those old emotions are still coming up, are still there. I still don't like your face. I still would throw a piece of shit at you if I could. I would still stomp on your grave. I really don't care about your life. And if I'm thinking about you this much, I must. That's how I think about it.

SPEAKER_05 15:27

I for m for me, it's like I don't think about the person, and God makes me think about the person, so that I can't forgive them. He's like, I need you to forgive them. And it's like, God, I respectfully, I don't care what happens to them. I don't care if they live, I don't care if they choke on those squirrel. Like I don't, I don't care like what what happens. Like I just they mean nothing to me. And the thing that he's trying to give me to is like, I understand that you hate them, I understand that you dislike them for all the stuff that they've done and continue to do. However, I still love them. And if I still love them the same way that I still love you, then you have to do what I call you to do, which is to forgive them. And he's like, I don't need you to like be buddy buddy, but the mentioning of their name, or when you think about a situation, for you to automatically get tight and like ready to buck, that's a problem. He's like, like, we can't move forward to certain levels until we deal with that, and until you you let that stuff go. Like it happened, like, it happened. You gotta let go at some point. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 16:44

And it happened. Letting go is not easy. Because it happened. And since it happened, part of me is like, I want to put my hand around your neck and not let go.

SPEAKER_05 16:59

You know what I feel like if at least from God's perspective, how he break it down to me, he's like, he's like, Y'all y'all know them um them sleds where the the huskies and the wolves be pulling like the person that used to do them races and stuff. He's like It's called dog sledding, right? Yeah, I guess. I don't know. I seen it in a Disney Channel movie when I was eight. But um, yeah, it's like you got a bunch of weight behind you, and the dogs is carrying like the weight in you, and guys like, if you just cut this weight off, we will we would win this race a lot faster. Like we could get whatever the next level is for you, we could get there a lot faster. And it it really is just like a few people. It's like a few people out of a like a handful of people. He's like, yo, if you just let this go, we could move so much farther. And the thing that I'm realizing through watching other people's struggles, like other family members struggle with forgiveness, I'm watching, and I'm realizing how much like how simple their forgiveness is, and how much like God can't do when you're stuck there. Is is I'm I've seen that a lot, especially this past weekend. Like I've seen that a lot. So I gotta work on it's it's not part's not in green. I just gotta let shit go. I just gotta.

SPEAKER_01 18:20

So forgiving isn't the issue, it's forgetting.

SPEAKER_05 18:23

No. Forgiving is the issue. Because I'm not I'm never gonna forget. God just blessed me with good memory. I remember everything that's ever happened to me. But the forgiving part is the issue. Oh, really? Yeah, that's the problem.

SPEAKER_01 18:35

I don't have an issue with that. Because everybody that done me wrong is it is what it is now. Like, cause it like what you said earlier, it already happened. So it's not like I'm not 16 anymore or the nigga that did me wrong last year. It is what it is. It already happened. I can't go back in the past, I can't change it. I hope nobody else goes through the same shit. Like, it is what it is, but I'll never forget what happened though. Well, so forgetting, forgetting will never go away, but I think forgiving is something that I'm I would say pretty decent on.

SPEAKER_05 19:14

Yeah, no, because like I for me the forgiveness piece is like to forgive you and not say like F you, F your life, I hope that like I hope that like for me the forgiveness piece is I God wants me to a spot where it's not F you, F your life, and if if something happens that reminds me of the situation or the person, I can deal with that with that person, and I can pray for that person, and I can speak life into that person. He's trying to get me there. So for me, like when like that forgiveness piece is totality, it's not just forgive and move on, because I've done that plenty of times. I I've done that now with the people that he's telling me. But he's like, nah, I want you to get to a place of like there is no issue, like all of it's out of your heart. And you if it if you were to see them today, you could be a reflection of a conversation with them. No, you could be a reflection of Jesus to them.

SPEAKER_03 20:12

I ain't there yet. I'm not there yet. Neither am I. Your light can shine as bright as it wants to everyone else. He stepped in front of me. They step in front of me, the shit going out. And I failed out. And I also understand that version of me no longer has as much control as it once did. And I ain't there yet. I'm not there yet. I was just having a conversation with my co-worker. Um co-worker that said what I what I said when I was younger, which is I'm never gonna fall in love again. And I told him you're gonna fall in love with this girl. Start going through issues. I've been telling people that they fall in love.

SPEAKER_05 21:03

Remember, we stopped that. We put a coalition together.

SPEAKER_03 21:06

Yeah, you're right. But I mean, I had to talk to him where he's at.

SPEAKER_05 21:09

Oh you're smart. Yeah, you're smart. So it's that's my problem.

SPEAKER_03 21:13

I let people drown. Like I really, I really enjoy that. I love letting people drown. Oh, it's the best. And this one I couldn't. So through conversation, I had to express them what you expressed to me, which was, oh, you're you're projecting your your fear and anxiety onto her, which makes you feel like you need to do it first. Whatever whatever you're used to doing, you're projecting and saying that she's gonna do it first, which makes you want to do it. I was like, you need to fix that. 'Cause I was like, if she's actually fully for you, um, and then in this moment I started talking to myself, if she's saying that she's fully for you and she's showing you that she's actually here and fully committed and actually wants your heart and wants to be safe and seen and be with you and for you. Stop stop being an asshole and trying to trying to trying to control the situation. You don't gotta control it, you just gotta trust. I was like, your projection and the fact that you don't trust not even yourself is the reason why you fear that she's going to leave. I was like, they can just have a conversation with her. You'll be alright. I just need to talk some shit out. He was like, that's exactly what I'm doing.

SPEAKER_02 22:31

I was like, yeah, I know. Ask me how.

SPEAKER_03 22:34

Cause I did it. Like I did it. So but that's still my thing. Projection. If I'm still projecting the past on you or whatever we went through back onto current situation, I have never moved forward. I can't keep beating you up over past shit. If I want you here and you sell me and you tell me that you love me, I gotta accept it. And I had to let go of old stuff to hold on to this new truth. And it's still I don't fuck with them niggas.

SPEAKER_05 23:10

Yeah, I'm I'm starting to learn like some for right now, and it's not that it's it's not that it's a good thing, but I'm starting to learn that for some stuff for me it's like a truth and it's like two things that are true at the same time. Like, on on one hand, yes, I I do have this to work on, and yes, I'm trying. And right now, it's still I don't care if you die. I just don't, like, my life isn't gonna change any for the better or for the worse. So that's what I'm working on.

SPEAKER_03 23:42

That's where I'm at. Yeah, I think for me, hearing God say, I know you don't like them, but they're mine now too. And then be saying, that's nice. Yeah, yeah. That's cute. Yeah. I don't really care. I mean, neither do I.

SPEAKER_01 24:02

So what happens if you don't get to that point? Then what?

SPEAKER_05 24:05

In regards to the point that he wants me at. Yeah. I cat myself and I handicuff what he can do for me.

SPEAKER_01 24:13

As far as never mind, never mind. I was about to say as far as the um like people relationships, life as a whole.

SPEAKER_05 24:24

Oh really? Like the Bible the Bible's like the Bible's very clear. Like, if if you don't forgive, like I won't forgive you. So if if I'm holding on to unforgiveness towards someone, then God's not gonna forgive me, which impacts my relationship with him. Like, an example is like this. Like, if I don't, um, and that's a hypothetical, I don't want to use that. So I'll use an example that I actually know. Like, I know someone who uh went through a really, really bad marriage, and they never forgave the person because the person hurt them. And they've spent the past like 20, 30 years like falling like off of a cliff. Like health is bad, finances ain't good, like they look nothing like who they were 30 years ago, all because they held unforgiveness for 30 years over that person. But what it does for what I know it would do to me, and yeah, it's not for me. What I know it would do to me is it would keep me from reaching a certain level that God wants him to be at. If God wants me to go into a place and say, hey, speak to that person, but this person he wants me to speak to off the bat, like they do something that reminds me of someone I didn't forgive. I'm not gonna minister to them, I'm not gonna tell them who Jesus is, I'm not gonna tell them what they need to hear. God's not gonna be able to use me as a vessel, which then hurts my relationship with him because now God's like, Well, I can't trust you with this responsibility. So I'm not gonna open doors of opportunity if you can't handle it because of your pettiness and because of the stuff you want to hold on to. So that's what happens, like, if I don't let it go over a period of time.

SPEAKER_01 26:10

Do you feel capped now?

SPEAKER_00 26:14

Hmm.

SPEAKER_05 26:17

Do I feel capped? No. But I I I do I can understand or I can see. I know that God wants to take me higher, and if he's consistently putting this in my face, then he wants this to be solved in order for me to keep going higher. So right now, no, but by tomorrow or in a week, probably. Cause he does everything for me in advance.

SPEAKER_01 26:45

Do you feel cap now?

SPEAKER_03 26:49

No. I mean, so like not in that area. In other areas. In other areas where he's like, We already dealt with this and you keep going back. Now I have to discipline you. Stuff like that. That's like a form, that's like a version of a cap.

SPEAKER_05 27:06

Because a cap doesn't have to be the But not in terms of the forgiveness. No, but when I say cap, cap it goes over life. So just because you're not forgiving someone in that area, it doesn't mean you're capping forgiveness. It got like that's a statement that he made over life. Okay, like you won't reach every other potential.

SPEAKER_01 27:22

I'm not saying a certain section, I'm just saying everything.

SPEAKER_02 27:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 27:29

For certain still, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 27:31

You feel capped.

SPEAKER_02 27:32

Yeah, for sure.

SPEAKER_03 27:33

If if you know, I'll say it again, if I continue to go back to stuff that we already dealt with, the consequence is okay, well, I gotta start taking stuff away because you you can't handle what I gave you. So I gotta start withdrawing until until you get right, and then I can give it back. Or if not give it back, we're gonna change it up and do something else. But oh yeah, for for sure. For sure. Sadly. Sadly. Because there's there's a lot of things where I'm like, nigga, if you just stayed focused here and didn't do this, this could be a hell a whole lot greater. Good. Like, I'll use Valentine's Day for an example. Valentine's Day, I don't want to say that Nah, nah, backstory. So Yano I bake. Yeah. Niggas bakes, yeah. So Namir texted me telling me, hey, God, put this on my heart. You need to write down all the plans that you want for this business to grow, especially this year. He was like, set monthly goals, set weekly goals, set daily goals, set your goals. Write them down, make a plane, do all that. January, I didn't even look at it. I did it. I wrote everything down. January, nothing. Valentine's Day comes around. I'll tell you, I'm like, listen, I want about $500 off of Valentine's Day myself. I was like, cool. With the intentionality of trying to stay in his face, trying to obey him, trying, trying to stay away from old stuff. Orders started started coming in late, like the 10th, the 11th, the 12th, the 13th. I had orders the 13th. And I got to the realization of, oh, we're going to need a team. Because your your limit is six orders. You can you can actively do six orders by yourself perfectly. Seven, eight, nine, you start freaking out. Did I hit my money goal? No. But he showed me where the c like where the customers were that could have had me hit them. Um staying in his face showed me, okay, when I'm connected to you and I obey what you're telling me to do, things move a hell of a lot easier. When I'm not, when I'm doing my own thing, when I'm slipping up, when I'm staying here, when I'm doing this, when I'm saying that, when I'm when I'm not in your face, things are a hell a hell of a lot worse. Let me stay here. I need the money. If I need the money, cool. What is that intrinsic motivation? Or extringer. I forget. I forget, I just learned. Um what are the motivations? Is based off of Rave Ward. Which I'm trying to turn into I just want to do it because I know that you're a part of it. Saying his in his face was is it is better for the long run. But that also means I have to obey you in every other area. So in the areas where I'm like, oh no, I'm definitely capped, it's because of my disobedience. But he also shows me when I am obedient, this is the blessing. When you're not, this is the consequence. So to answer your question, yes. I am definitely capped.

SPEAKER_01 31:15

At least you're honest about it.

SPEAKER_03 31:17

Yeah, I gotta be. Gotta be. I ain't gonna lie to myself.

SPEAKER_01 31:24

Can't I mean some people lie to themselves? Make themselves feel better. Like to run away from truth.

SPEAKER_03 31:30

Well, nah, I did that too. That shit don't help. What? I rather I'd rather deal with the hard truth than a fucking lie. That's stupid. If if I know nigga, I'm in the wrong, why am I gonna say no? You're you're right, you're good. No, you're not.

SPEAKER_01 31:48

Some people just don't want to feel exposed. Never thought about that? I I've been exposed.

SPEAKER_03 31:54

I ain't talking about being exposed. No, but no, I'll fuck that. Sometimes you need to be exposed in order to actually see yourself and to to better yourself. You you need the exposure. Because without it, you you actually can't become who you need to become. For you, for others, and for whoever God's trying to make you become. You need to be quote unquote seen. And a lot of people want to be seen in the first place. Expose them. Call them out, call yourself out, call your foul, fix it. It helps.

SPEAKER_01 32:38

Key word for you. Fuck it. Oh. Just jump into dive in. Yeah, pretty much. Pretty much. Sometimes you gotta dive into one of my favorite comedians. He said, um, he said, uh, a lot of people, no, not a lot of people, I'm thinking of someone else. The guy I'm thinking about, he said, he was talking about marriage, and he was like, man, I don't like my wife do this, my wife do that, da-da-da-da-da. But in hindsight, he's not trying to attack like how he's truly feeling, and he's putting that reflection on his wife. So he's not trying to give his wife um the grace of trying to understand how he truly and deeply feels, but he's just trying to put all this burden on her. And then he was saying, Man, I'm trying to get rid of her, yada yada yada. And he said he had a conversation with God, and God told him, He said, you know what, that's fine. He said, Your wife realistically don't do a lot of things that you don't like. He said, That's fine. He said, and I 100% understand. He said, now let's flip the coin. He said, you do a lot of stuff that I don't like, and I never got rid of you. Never have. He said, what would be worse is if I expose you to how you truly feel to her. And the problem is she's trying to learn, and you're giving her flack for it. She's trying to learn you. So bringing that up, a lot of people just don't want to bring whatever they have in the closet into the light because it it's it's scary.

SPEAKER_03 34:28

How do I know? Because I did that. I did exactly that. I did that when it came to current. It was easier for me to run away. Mike called me on my bullshit. He's like, stop basically stop being a bitch. You're fine. Like, have a conversation, move fix it. And it's also like, okay. Can I handle it? If you don't believe that you can handle the conversation, you won't have the conversation. In reality, you can, you're just afraid of the outcome. It's not the handling of the conversation. You're having a conversation with yourself, with yourself every day. You just you you can't bring yourself to openly admit confess if you can do that. I promise you. A lot of other shit can be be made simple. That's it. But a lot of people are afraid of having that conversation because they're afraid of the outcome. They're afraid that they'll end up if they're if they're with someone, they're afraid that they'll end up alone, or that the person will understand and that they'll still be in the same situation afterwards when in reality now the other person can actually help you how you need to be helped, instead of playing this guessing game of what the fuck do they need? How do I be here? How do I operate? That's what I was doing to her. You look like a chicken with her. Yeah.

unknown 35:55

I don't know.

SPEAKER_03 35:56

Yeah, yeah. I was doing that a lot. For one, I was looking for an excuse for her to mess up again. I was looking for an excuse for me to leave. I was looking for any opportunity for me to do whatever I wanted to do. Sound like some old. And it was just like, that's fucking crazy. I'm a liar. No. No. I was I was looking at I was looking for excuses. And I found none. So I started to create a narrative that showed me as the good guy and her the bad guy. Which quickly got switched and flipped, and God was like, that ain't gonna work. And he was like, she getting closer to me because of you. Which means her heart's changing, which means you're going to have to come back to me and deal with this. Because she's no longer who she used to be. And you're trying to go backwards to who you used to be. You can't. To be here, you have to gotta forgive. Gotta move on. You gotta have a hard conversation. And that's what we have to do. We still have a lot of hard conversations that need to be hashed out. And back to what I was saying earlier, I can't talk to you crazy because I'm I'm I'm frustrated. I still gotta respect you. I still gotta treat you with dignity. And that's not a uh that's not an easy conversation to have. It's a hard one. A lot of people are afraid of that conversation. They don't trust the result. They don't trust the fact that they can't control the result. If I can't control this, it's a possibility of things going wrong, and I don't want to be left in my loneliness because if I'm in my loneliness, then I actually have to deal with the shit, and I don't want to deal with the shit. That's where the problem is. You don't want to deal with the shit.

SPEAKER_01 37:55

No, no, no, not not me.

SPEAKER_03 37:56

I'm not but yeah, a lot of people don't want to. But I'm you can see that. You can see that in everyday life. A lot of people are afraid of their own loneliness, so they hop in relationships, they hop in flames, whatever the fuck they want to do, whatever they like, whatever. They they hop in it because they don't know how to deal with their their loneliness. They can't give them the self- they don't they English, they can't give themselves the grace to stay single, quote unquote, single long enough to actually better themselves.

SPEAKER_01 38:31

But why not try to deal um no no we can we can apply to me uh well why not just try to be able to figure that out before you bring someone else into a world of uh a world of being unstable?

SPEAKER_03 38:47

Because if I can bring you into my if if I can bring you into my life, I don't have to stay in my world, I can go into yours.

SPEAKER_01 38:52

But now our world, half of it is unstable. My life was stable before you came in, not if I don't show you that.

SPEAKER_03 39:00

And if I can hide it long enough and good enough, you'll fall into it.

SPEAKER_05 39:03

And a lot of people don't know that their life ain't stable.

SPEAKER_03 39:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 39:06

Like a lot of people, you think that you okay and you get with somebody, and then you find out, oh, I'm the problem, and I've been a problem. But it took this person being at a higher higher caliber for me to find out that I was the problem.

SPEAKER_03 39:18

Not only that, but then the manipulation comes into play and say, no, let me gaslight you into believing into you believing that you're the problem and that now I'm the victim.

SPEAKER_01 39:27

You see how out of touch of reality I I truly am? I'm not gonna say this is brand new, but this is somewhat re I guess refreshed information. Because none of that it doesn't make sense to me.

SPEAKER_03 39:41

It don't make sense to me either. Now it wasn't until I had to go through that single stage in that single season where I actually had actually had to be intentional with the what a one time with God, the quiet time, the prayer, the reading, the the worship music, like trying to have to to to relearn God and relationship. But it was uncomfortable in the beginning, and then I loved it. And then when it came to somebody else being put into my life, I was like, what the what are we doing? Like, why are we inviting someone into this space? This is this is too good. Like, you want to mess it up. Like, no. And then the imbalance comes. But now I understand that the imbalance is here because God wants me to help you out, and he's using this relationship to get you to closer to him. You have to be in my world. I have to get you out of yours, put you into a holier place so that you can actually understand what it feels like, so that when you go back, you can fix what the fuck you gotta fix.

SPEAKER_02 40:48

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 40:49

But a lot of people are too afraid to do what I've done. Do a mic stone, do a sheep's on, which is do with the loneliness, do it being by yourself, making the fucking effort to to change and be better. Because it's uncomfortable. People like to be comfortable. We naturally crave comfort. So when we're not, it's whatever what can I do to become comfortable again. It's sex, drugs, money, drinking, party, anything other than God. God's not comfortable for a lot of people. And neither is hell. But fuck it, a lot of people gonna be there. I'll end my soliloquy there.

SPEAKER_01 41:39

That's what it is. What'd he say? You got two choices. You either gonna get sick, or you either gonna get better. Who said that? Remember, uh, remember Pop out. I told you that thing, Pop out with Telegram. He said, people gotta live life. He said, people live by life of two things. He said, let's throw an example out. He said, if you get sick, you either gonna get better or you're gonna get worse. And it's funny because I just seen a comedian uh say the same thing. He said, if you get sick, you're either gonna get better or you get worse. If you get better, you ain't got nothing to worry about. But if you get worse, you got two things to worry about. Whether you're gonna die or whether you're gonna be uh you'll make it. Now if you make it, you ain't got nothing to worry about. But if you die, you got two things to worry about. Whether you go to heaven or whether you go to hell. Oh, do I feel like I saw this? Now if you go to heaven, you got nothing to worry about. Oh boy, but if you go to hell, you got two things to worry about. What's the two things to worry about if you go to hell? Spicy or extra crispy? Those are the only two things you got to worry about. Okay. But if you get spicy, that's pretty bad. But it ain't that bad. But if you get extra crispy, you got two things to worry about. So it's just he was saying that to say, like, a lot of people like can't look at life at a simplistic level. And when I was asking him about it, he was always talking about just trying to not make life as complicated as you're trying to make it. You're trying to do this, this, this, this, this, trying to look over 10 years from now, 20 years from now. He said, But you're not living in the moment, and you're gonna be so weary about it to the point where you're gonna start overthinking about it when five years from now. You think you need to be here five years from now, but then you're gonna be thinking, Oh man, I wish I can go back and da da da. He said, You're not here. You're so busy here, which is fine. Everybody needs visions, everybody needs dreams, everyone needs something. Something to or want to achieve. Everyone needs a goal. That's fine. But if you're only looking there, how can you really enjoy the simplicity of life? So realistically, how can you love yourself? Pablo always told me, he said, if you can't love yourself, what makes you think you can love just another person? If you hate yourself, you're gonna be a shitty dad. At the end of the day, that's just the simplicity of how you live. Can you are you okay with being by yourself? Do you hate silence? Can you take yourself to the movie theater? Can you go to Roof Chris by yourself and have the same exact time? Same good time? Well, if you can, you don't need to be with no fucking body. You just gonna keep fucking people over and over and over again. Or you can meet someone, go ahead, go ahead, not fuck up their life, but have that individual come into your life, not in a relationship, not in a sexual way, but help you learn yourself so you can learn how to love that person potentially.

SPEAKER_03 45:12

But people are so comfortable fucking up somebody else's life because their life is so fucked up.

SPEAKER_01 45:17

That's an A problem. That's an issue that they have to look in the mirror with.

SPEAKER_03 45:24

And that's that's I think that's another area that I that I have to still work on because whenever I see it, I'm like, you dumb as fuck. Cause you it's the same cycle. And this is why I can say this, and I know I'm probably still wrong. But God telling me Nate, you just messing with the same girl with a different face. And then I can see people messing with the same dude, different face, same girl, different face. It's like, what the fuck about them?

SPEAKER_02 45:52

Can I call it? Can I call it out? Can I call it out? Please, please. No? Okay. Well, get him out of my face.

SPEAKER_03 46:00

Cause why? Why are you here? Don't keep coming to me with the same stuff. If if you're gonna be in the same situ if you're putting yourself in the same situation over and over and over again, I know the end result. I was the end result. I've been in the end result. I know the end result. You're just gonna be two weeks here, two weeks there, it's gonna be somebody new. Six months here, six months there, it's gonna be someone new until you actually lock in and be by yourself.

SPEAKER_01 46:30

It's acceptance. You have to ultimately you have to accept yourself. Like I played a game not too long ago. Spoilers, I don't care. It's called Silent Hill, but it was Silent Hill till the two the remake. And I was playing it and I ended up beating it. And there's this town, because the story is there's this guy, he gets a letter from his dead wife. She died three years ago. So he goes to this town and he truly believes that she's in this town. Well, at the end of the game, you find out that you actually killed, he killed his wife and strangled her because she was sick with a disease. So she in the beginning of the game, he's saying, Yeah, my wife died three years ago due to a disease. She was sick with the disease, but he hated her for making his life a living health because she wanted him to hate her. Because in her mind, she's sick, she's dying, she's doing all this stuff. Well, in the town, it's creating all of these monsters and it's creating these things that aren't real, but he's not accepting what he did. He's not accepting the guilt of him murdering his wife because in the entire time within the game, you pull up in a car and she's in the back seat already. He just killed this bitch like three hours ago, maybe a day ago, but his mind is so fractured, he can't accept who he is and what he did. So now he gotta go make this big ass lie of get all these people um within his situation feeling sorry for him and all of this crap when in reality he's just not facing what he is or who he really is. He killed his wife, he's a murderer. He's not accepting that. So now all of this shit is his life, it's just going downhill in this town. Once he finally accepted that, he was able to walk away from the town. But in order for him to do that, he needed to look in the mirror. He looked in the mirror one time the entire game. One time. And that was right after he just killed this bitch. Because he was trying to come to grasp, is this 100% who I really am? Am I just a mass murderer? No. Did I murder her? He's in denial of it, but he did. But in order for him to actually have peace with it and not fuck up whoever else he gets with, he needed to accept that. And I think a lot of people just hate looking in the mirror. A lot of people want to find comfort in other people, that's fine. But it's not fine when you try to fuck up their life. Or when you know you're fucking up their life. Yeah, exactly. So that's just me. I find it stupid. You can try to learn yourself through other people. I've but see, people don't do that.

SPEAKER_03 49:37

People rather become who they're with. It's easy. I feel like it's easier to pick up from your partner than to pick up from yourself.

SPEAKER_05 49:50

What does that mean?

SPEAKER_03 49:52

Meaning, I'll use Brad Pitt. Right. Every every girl that Brad Pitt used to be with, he used to end up looking like whoever he was with. What? Yeah. Yeah, there was photos. So so so so here's the example. If the girl that he was with had blonde hair, blonde, long hair, he would end up having blonde, long hair. If the girl he was with was a brunette, shorter haircut, he would be a brunette with shorter haircut. Longer hair, long hair. Whatever whatever he was with, he became. They started to match up. Um that's that's a that's a huge example. Okay emotionally, mentally, physically. I feel like a lot of people get with people who they feel like are better or in a better spot than they are, and they want to become better because they don't know how to better actually works. And they do that. But emotionally, mentally. So I just feel like I feel like people just they end up molding into whoever they with because it's easier for them, it feels better, it feels safer. Because I don't gotta work on me, I can just become you.

SPEAKER_01 51:01

But that ain't you though.

SPEAKER_03 51:02

And they're okay with that, because they don't like themselves in the first place. If I don't like who I am, but I like you, I'm trying I'm gonna try to become you.

SPEAKER_01 51:10

No, I don't want two two me. I don't even want that. I tell I tell my wife, I say you have to learn certain things about yourself, and you're going to because there's certain things that I like that you just may not like or you might hate. But there may be something that can connect with you through me. But at the same time, it's your life. Our time together is one thing, but you also need to have time single-handedly about yourself that you know for a fact that you can enjoy. Yeah, he ugly for this. Nah, that's childish, especially this one with the black hair. Nah, that's childish. Be yourself. Be yourself. God made you the way that you are for a reason.

SPEAKER_00 52:17

Sure.

SPEAKER_01 52:21

I don't know. Like, am I crazy? Like, bro. He looked like the dude from Lord of the Rings. He does, don't he? The archer. What's his name?

SPEAKER_03 52:31

I don't know, but I know who you're talking about. His name's like Legolos or something like that. That's crazy. That's too funny, bro.

SPEAKER_05 52:40

As we wrap up, what's something that you're better at today that you weren't better at yesterday?

SPEAKER_01 52:48

My patience. My patience. I think that a lot of people will. I feel like at certain points in time, especially in my life, people want to test it. Okay. Like, cause people. Okay. I feel like people want to step on a fine line. Seriously. I'm dead serious. Because there's no way. You can't talk crazy or something. Did you turn your mic off? I don't know. I don't know. He laughed. Let me talk to you. So I think that when it comes to my patience, is something I didn't turn it off. I didn't turn it off. I just had to. I'm definitely better with it now. Especially yesterday. I had a lot of shit going on yesterday. But the reason why I say that is because I feel like. What?

SPEAKER_05 53:44

I didn't say nothing. I didn't say nothing. I'm just sitting, I'm listening.

SPEAKER_03 53:49

I'm a bad one. I'm sorry. Forgive me.

unknown 53:52

Ah.

SPEAKER_03 53:53

Forgive me.

SPEAKER_01 53:55

If this line is no grace for you, nigga. So fuck this story. Alright, Mike. How about you? Forgiveness is forgaven. So I think that with my patience, and especially because the way how my life is situated, right, just right now. It's so much stuff going on. There's so many things happening. And I know for a fact people aren't trying to test my patience. But because I'm so impatient, that's just how it feels. So I'm not sitting up here drawing a line out and saying, all right, but you can step on it. If you step on it, I'm gonna fuck you up. I'm not saying that. But because I realize that I don't have the patience. I am but that that's not an area I'm better in today. My bad. Go back, go back. Because I don't have it, I'm starting to learn, especially if I start snapping on people, and I start snapping on back. I can't have that. Or if I start snapping on my grandparents, or just taking everything that doesn't have to do with them, bringing whatever BS I got going on to them or to y'all, that's something that I'm definitely working on. Just personally.

SPEAKER_03 55:20

Yeah, yeah. I mean, part partly the same thing for me. Um I think I need to move a little faster when I make it up in my heart that I'm going to apologize. I think I need to be more proactive when it comes to doing that. Um because if if I'm already thinking, alright, I'm gonna go back and apologize, and you piss me off even more, even more, I'm probably not gonna apologize anymore. For real?

SPEAKER_02 55:50

Yeah, fuck you. You just pissed me off even more. Like, what are we doing? Like, you know how much work it is to get like to get here, and now you're gonna fuck it all up. No, he's it track again tomorrow. Yeah, pretty much. Pretty much.

SPEAKER_05 56:02

So it's it's really just like alright, uh I'm gonna clock in on forgiveness tomorrow, 8 a.m.

SPEAKER_02 56:07

Yeah, yeah, yeah. 752. 752.

SPEAKER_03 56:12

It's my day off. I'm I'm gonna beat the clock. I'll clock in tomorrow. Beat the clock. But yeah, no, I just have to be more uh proactive when it actually comes to go ahead and forgive 'em because you know, probably gonna be pissed off again later. So if you do it now, you you might not be as pissed off if you do get pissed off. So just go ahead, go apologize. They about to piss you off. You ain't apologize yet.

unknown 56:35

Now you're mad.

SPEAKER_03 56:36

So it's kind of like, yeah, just just just go do it. Yeah. At least he gave you warnings. No, that's my warning to me. He just be looking at me like, well, nigga, I told you to do it early.

SPEAKER_05 56:44

That's what I mean. He gave you a warning. Like he'll tell you in events. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 56:49

How about you?

SPEAKER_05 56:50

Uh I have to say communication. Knowing when to speak, when not to speak. Like, literally, like, but what if it's like just uh s regarding like loved ones and stuff. Like knowing when people is irritated, when they're just like, alright, cool. I'm telling you something, you're not receiving it, I'm gonna shut up because you not receiving it makes me mad. Cause I think that's stupid that you don't see it. But me continuously trying to tell you, is it gonna change the fact that you don't see it? So I'm gonna just shut up and I'm gonna just leave. Um So that um because clearly it ain't you ain't gonna get it through me in that moment. I'm not the answer. Um that and whether it's that or communicating with the girl that I'm talking to, knowing when to say stuff, when not to. Same thing, when to shut up, when I keep talking. But yeah.

SPEAKER_01 57:41

Oh, that's nice.

SPEAKER_05 57:42

Yeah, beautiful.

SPEAKER_01 57:43

That's nice. Well, since you don't celebrate Valentine's Day, is that like a like does she know that or she don't celebrate it either. Oh, she don't? Is there like a specific reason for you or well?

SPEAKER_05 57:54

I never liked Valentine's Day since I was a kid. I thought it was stupid.

SPEAKER_01 57:58

Okay, so I told Beck that I don't really fuck with Valentine's Days because that's a like a day for everyone. Like it's not special to me because everybody's saying, all right, but we just gonna love our spouse on this day, which I think is retarded.

SPEAKER_05 58:13

Yeah, I I always thought that was dumb. I was like, you're not gonna tell me when I'm supposed to love somebody. Um, and plus I always just felt, I was like, if the love is real, every day should be Valentine's Day. Yeah, and that's that's what because I did have to ask though. I was like, yo, like, do you want to do something? I was like, I don't really want to, but like if you want to do I didn't say it like that. But but if you want to, like, just let me know. And she was like, nah, I won't. I don't, I don't want, I don't like it. And she said the same thing. She's like, I think it's stupid to spend all this time and energy just for one day. She said the same thing. She said every day should be Valentine's Day. So and that's how I treat her. Every day is Valentine's Day, every day is her birthday.

SPEAKER_01 58:57

So y'all like a chain link fence, like just perfect fit.

SPEAKER_04 59:01

Um, okay. You know what I mean? Just take it. Yeah, just take it. Just take it. I ain't know I had to think about chain link fence.

SPEAKER_02 59:11

Oh, like mics in a mic one in a while. Yeah, it's a minute. Y'all like a I had to I had to I had to step in real quick. It's like no perfect film. I thought it was Connecticut. Huh?

SPEAKER_03 59:28

Connecticut. But what about how would that be misinterpretation?

SPEAKER_05 59:35

Uh it was you, nigga. That's crazy.

SPEAKER_01 59:48

That's tough. I was coming at it from a positive.

SPEAKER_02 59:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 59:54

We knew it was positive. Yeah, yeah. As long as y'all know that it I'm coming from a positive direction.

SPEAKER_05 1:00:01

God bless that conversation we had. Um, but yeah, we thank you so much for joining us today on this episode. Um, we hope that you all are having an amazing evening, morning, something, whether you're working out or whatever. Don't forget Thursday. Um, working out Thursday. Um, but yeah, hope that y'all have fun. God bless, be safe. You will sleep well. All the things.

SPEAKER_02 1:00:28

Love y'all. Bye.