Maria is a beautiful, creative being. She is loved by many and open to all. I am honored to have her as my first guest, and my life has been enriched by getting to know this woman over the last fifteen years. Most of those years she spent as my main photographic muse.
We talk about creeps in Hollywood, her miscarriage, pregnancy, Nintendo, and plenty more.
So put on your chill and listen in.
#Miaeden #Mariatvrdy #Creepsinhollywood #Metoo #Usingaprofessionalname #Empathy #Pregnancy #Miscarriage #Selfcare #Nintendo #Dealingwithdisability #Kylecease #Inspirationalmemes
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Welcome to courage under the stars with Michael Vieyra. That's me, I am Michael Vieyra. Here I speak off the cuff with people that I find interesting, where you're going to sit in a darkened room and just Yap, allowing you to eavesdrop. I tell my guests, no politics, no religion, but otherwise, I don't care what we talk about as long as it comes from the heart. I hope even just a small part of it resonates with you. Some of it will, some of it won't. And that's okay.But I'm just glad you're here. I really do love all of you. And thanks for coming. Let's get this thing started.Oh. Me have i Okay, so we're gonna start here? And to which I would guess, right off the bat,I would say I'm probably your best friend. Right?Absolutely.Not sure why you're laughing about that.You? We have you have known me longer than many people. And you've definitely known me more intimately than most. And for in a professional work. You know,everything? Yeah. Everything.It's funny you say that? Because I remember once we were talking about all the work we do, and you had said, you oftentimes use our photography shoots, as therapy. Do you recall that? And if so, what did you mean by that?Yeah, I mean, when we, you and I shoot, it's like, I mean, I,it's a place for me to express myself without words. And just kind of be where I'm at. Even if that's just even in the moment,which is so wonderful. It's just, you don't get to really be in the moment that much in life.So it's just, it's therapy to be somewhere and just be there. And kind of explore what's going on.I don't know if if you had the same feeling? I know you did. I don't know why I'm saying I don't know if you did, but I shot a million people, men and women. And I was always the most comfortable and adventurous with you. And I don't know why I felt that way. I still don't even as I'm saying it. I don't know, why do you?So one thing I've been thinking about is that we, you know,working when we when we worked in casting together, and you know, you started just doing like, Instagram pics of the day.Yeah. And you would just take photos and like, you know, I was kind of your beginning. Very true object. Yeah. And so I just think, you know, like, at that point, maybe even you thought this is just like, this silly thing are, you know, it's something I enjoy. Not silly,but something I enjoy, but didn't know. I mean, the evolution that it would take and you know, you're extremely talented. And so it was just kind of, I don't know, I feel like that's kind of like that. I feel that it's because of our background and the fact that we were working companions and friends before we started taking photos. You know,that's true, too. And almost by virtue of what you were saying,maybe it's because we were kind of, even though you've been modeling Well, before I got you.It was a little bit of we're in it together from the start.Yeah, definitely. I think we are. We both really wanted a place to like grow and and be great, artistically. So did you ever feel like you were cheating when you were shoot with other photographers?It sometimes Yeah.Not seriously, really?No, I mean, damn you. I mean.Yes. And no, you know, I always it's good for me to shoot with other photographers, but I always enjoyed shooting with you because there's that. What 30minutes of me adjusting to this stranger, you know? Yeah. And actually, honestly, I found that if I shot with anyone other than you, I'd want to I'd prefer to shoot with women.So was that there was a little bit less getting comfortable time? I don't know,you know,I think that's inherent in the type of photography that you probably I just felt, you know,but yeah, I didn't have to, you know, like, do I need to have my guard up? Or, you know, I know,my younger years dealing with photography and photographers, I have some weird, creepy stories I can imagine. Oh, please tell me one.Well, my agent, my first mobile,he's my first manager. He, he's from New York, he was like,amazing. He was, he was an amazing anyways, he set me up with this photographer who's fairly famous from Australia.And I used to do makeup for him and also shoot with him. And he,you know, I honestly was just really vulgar. And, you know, he wanted me to like, Nam In my20s. So, and he wanted me to use a cucumber. And just like, kind of, and, you know, this is not,I'm not wanting to be a porn star. That's not even wasn't the route and it was very awkward because it was my manager too,that had connected me and time friends. And he was, like I said, he is he is on was a pretty famous photographer. So I put a rift and I mean, I never,you know, that was like, kind of the end of that relationship able to escape that, or did you just play it?I like was able to escape it by playing it out. It's not like I just like, I'm never unfortunately, I wish I was, but I've never had been like a person that's just like, fuck you. And you get angry. I kind of like laughed it off and played it off. And, you know,like, didn't do what he wanted to do, but held the cute, you know, it's like I played the line, which is unfortunate, but it's true about me like I never was. I know who you are. I didn't get upset. Like,honestly, I would hope that if I have a daughter, she would.Yeah. But yeah.Yeah, you do have a sense, in my opinion of wanting everybody to think you're nice. Yeah. Yeah,to you. A little too much. You wish that would change.I wish it would change. But I just don't even think. I mean,this literally just happened today. I was telling my fiancee that I couldn't find my debit card. And he goes, Oh, I saw it in the house. And I saw a card and I just throw it away. And I was like, Oh, that's okay. And my fiance. I wasn't upset at all. I was like, Oh, that's okay. I just ordered a new one.And he was like, You're so weird. He's like, people get angry at least. Like, like, you should be angry. That's so true.Um, I was like, it's not worth it. I already handled it.Okay, but you know, what I think of that is because I've changed so much and like, for me, I'm totally with you. It's like,okay, I'm not gonna look, I can't control that. So I'm not gonna let it get me. What is I don't want to dictate how you feel. But I want you to tell me why. Why is it that you're able to get past that?Well, like the, like the debit card, or like, you know, the debit card. The debit card situation is exactly that. It's just like, there's way too many other things in life to be upset about. And I, one thing I appreciate about that I don't get that angry is that when I do get angry people know something's wrong. True. My anger if it comes, there's a problem. Yeah, and I know what to write, like, even for me. The dealing with, like, sexual ones,but that kind of stuff. The other stuff. To me, there's a little bit of socialization and some things that I definitely didn't have down in my 20s. I don't know if I would have been in that situation. Now. I probably would have told the guy I probably would have told him off in a nice way. Yeah, I would have said that's inappropriate.But in my 20s, I was, you know,and also I was like, still, like I said he he was had a relationship with my manager.And so yeah, but anyways, I think you're still in that vein. I mean, I don't know. But are you would you in this day and age would you laugh it off and then still continue to shoot? Or would it be time to walk out the door? No, I think that it's possible. I still catch myself laughing off things that honestly it's like, your that's not really funny to you, you know, but at the same time, I also don't feel Yeah, I don't I don't know. How I would have reacted in that situation? I think it would have been a little different. I would have just said, That's not. I'm not into this.I hate it because not, I hate it as a photographer. Yeah. But I hate it more as your friend knowing that that that had happened. mean there's nothing we can do or could do blah,blah, blah, but ugh.Yeah. And it's unfortunate. It's unfortunate. I mean.Interestingly enough, I could tell you another story, but not it wasn't about a photographer,but you can tell. But a good, a good, not a good but a disgusting Hollywood story. And actually, I was, again introduced to this guy through my manager. So isn't that weird?This, he, this guy was a Disney Exec. And he seemingly was very professional upfront, you know,he, I only met him at Disney.And, you know, I don't know if I'm allowed to say.Any names? No,of course not. So, you know, he.I met him a couple of times there. And it was very professional. And he said, you know, was gonna just kind of assist me with my real. And it seemed fine. And then I think probably the third or fourth time that we were going to meet up, he said, he invited me to dinner. Now the dinner was the switch. Basically, I think it was like, the day before dinner,I received something from Victoria's Secret. And I did go see him at dinner I should not have but I did. And he basically offered you know, he said he was married and had kid and he just wanted someone who understood the deal and you know, would take care of basically kind of take care of me or help me.Yeah. And also help what he could with the career and I sat and had dinner with him. And then I went home. And obviously,I was I was devastated. I cried a lot. I wasn't actually at that time. I was in a relationship.And I told, you know, told my boyfriend what happened. And he was kind of the Hollywood type himself. Yeah. So he's like, you know, this happens and not, you know, weird reaction. It was a weird reaction. I was, you know,really upset. I thought it was terrible. Just thinking about like, his wife and kids. And yeah, even if they agreed to it,how terrible that must be sure.I don't know. So, yeah. That's another interesting.I mean, it's amazing, because not only I mean, those are just two stories enough that are like, more than enough. And they both happened to you.Right? Yeah. Well, I mean, and that's, I mean, I really don't want our conversation to just like, end up being about that.But I have I have, you know,probably. Well, and I think I'll tell you, I yeah, I do think I mean, I'm not blaming myself by any any means. But you know, me,and I'm a really, like, open person, right? And people feel safe around me. Very true. And that doesn't mean that I deserve it or anything. I'm not saying that. But it just, it just makes people feel comfortable. So I know what you mean. Yeah, you definitely. You don't seem like there's a stop button. And it not in a bad way. You just seem very open and receptive. Yeah.So sometimes, people misinterpret it and misuse and abuse it. Yeah. Well, tell me a good story. What your good Hollywood story.Good Hollywood story. I mean,you and I are.That's true. Do you remember when we were we met?I remember us like actually getting because you know, we worked. We went to a play with cat with with my friend.Kelly. Yeah, yeah, for sure.That's that's how we met and I didn't I didn't put two and two together when we met at work. I don't know what a year later.Yeah, I mean, or even less, you know, and I was like, oh, hi be another new girl here. But when I met you, you were Maria right? And you had long hair. And I was just like,oh, this I don't know why I just didn't connect the dots but Maria me I tend to be different.Like, even my my stepson, like when he really wants something,or when he's like trying to talk me into something, he will pull out Maria keys manipulating you?Yeah, he's like, Maria, please Maria. Like he thinks that's the name you want to be called? It's like the I don't know what it is. It's a weird, but he does.Please marry up.What is the deal? Maria, because I do call you Maria. And every once in a while I call you me?Because it's ingrained in me.But a few years ago, you had mentioned Hey, I wouldn't mind if you called me Maria again.Why? How come?Okay, well, as I'm sitting here with you thinking about things,and the whole using meow instead, Maria. Some of it is what we just talked about. Some of it was my experiences that I had had, as Maria trying to be an actor model. And I thought that naming myself a professional name, and saying to myself, Mia Eden is a professional, and you can separate a need to separate,like who you are, personally from your professional persona,which I felt would empower me in situations like that I had been in in the past, you know, I had hoped that it would like, let me take, like my private side, and personal side, and even some of like, even some of these kindnesses and understand that sometimes like, I can't do that I have to be, you know, the business, you got to step up and be a professional. So I think that's what I happened. I was like, I wanted me to be my, an entity that was, you know, just respected as a professional,basically. And then I could still have Maria be the personal and private person.I would say that you have been MIA for so long, that you probably can see yourself on a personal level as me at this point.I do. And that's the thing. The interesting thing is that I don't think it helped at all. I can't change who I am. And even working on myself even working,trying to be more assertive, or whatever, in these situations.It's just hard for me, I'm just,I. It's against my nature. So now more than anything, I prevent myself from being in situations that I know are probably not the best for me.Luckily, at this point, I'm certainly not desperate for any opportunities. When it comes to work, Oh, good. I want to go into if my agent gets me an audition, fantastic. If work that I got in the past got me a job. Right. Awesome. But I'm not trying to make new relationships with people and go through any kind of power. You know,like, it makes it easy on your soul. Yeah, yeah. I know you pretty well. And I, for them, I think you're pretty well put together emotionally. But you do have issues at times where you,it's hard for you to rise above it. But I guess my point is, do I have you? Do I have it? Right?Are you kind of do you have your shit together?I I don't always feel like I do.But I do think I have a pretty good understanding of my Yeah, I have a pretty good understanding of my emotional needs. And I have like, a lot of empathy for other people too. So I kind of have, I feel like good emotional intelligence.I think for you, you still put other people before yourself though, as far as your own emotional needs?Probably. No, I do. And interestingly enough, it's one of the things that I think I've basically decided it's not going to change And what's what's specific? What do you mean? What's not gonna change?I just, it's really, you know,whatever, I think that my mom actually told me when I was two years old, you know, like, a little thing that if anybody was like, sad around me or mad around me that I would want to give them hugs. And she was like, I mean, you know, that's very weird, like strangers. Be cool. So it's kind of like, you know, for a long time for a long time. And still, sometimes I get frustrated with myself, because it's like, no, like, if I had a friend that told me, they're not, you know, whatever it may be different situation, you're like, putting them other people first, I would be like, don't do that, you know, and so I do get frustrated. But then a lot of times, it's like, it's just kind of who I am. And I get fresh. I mean, honestly, I get frustrated if I feel that I'm not. I've been frustrated lately. Because I feel like I'm not doing enough for other people for like, the world for people for other people. While caring for my family, and but like, you know,I used to work with kids. And oh, when you're not doing something not doing so much of that, and I've been feeling very, not great about that. You know, like, I don't know, is it something you're going to get back to? Or you're just not sure.I hope so. But right now, we actually have a family business.It's only he and I right now. So and it's growing, which is great. Nice.And what's going on in the belly?So I got a baby going on. And yeah, four months pregnant.Crazy.It's insane. I thought that I was gonna have long blonde hair with extensions, right now. And the best body ever. That was my goal. I like, you know, after I had a miscarriage during the pandemic, and it was really hard and lonely. But I kind of like got I, it took about a year for me to process it.What's the what do you mean by lonely?Mom? It I mean, it was during the pandemic. And when I got pregnant, it wasn't something we want planned or wanted. So there was a little bit of you know,and it was a lot going on. It was stressful. But I obviously was, and I yeah, probably when I first found out, I really wasn't excited about it. Then you go to the doctor, no one's allowed to go with you. So it was me by myself. And it just kind of felt like I was pregnant by myself.You know, like, it's hard for the person in who you're living with. Like, it's not obvious,you know, you don't have this big belly right away. Right. So there's a disconnect. It's like,you're kind of you are alone,you know? I mean, and then I basically, you know, didn't find out. I went to my 12 week,screening, ultrasound. And when I got there, and it was again,alone, I had this the fetus was only about seven weeks. And you know, they they said they didn't say, This baby's gone, gone or anything, they just said, Is there a problem? Is there something wrong with your timing? Or maybe it's younger,so I had to wait two more weeks.I pretty much knew there wasn't anything wrong with the timing like I I'm, like clockwork,yeah. So I pretty much knew that something had happened. But I waited two weeks, no growth,went to the doctor and demanded that someone just tell me like,I'm having a miscarriage. You mean no one no one would no one would say to me, you just lost your baby. Like you felt like they shouldn't say to me, you just you're having a miscarriage or you had a miscarriage. And yes, in my mind, like someone should have. I was one who basically looked at my doctor's eyes and said I had a missed miscarriage. And she said, it seems so it's just like, you know, it was that really, it just really sucked and not being able to have your partner right there at that moment, too. Yeah, yeah,totally. And also because I feel like and I don't know if anybody other I'm sure women would feel this way. But like, it felt like almost a made up situation. That was heartbreaking. Yeah, I mean,I would wake up in the middle of the night and just like, feel like I was in a nightmare.Because I had this living, I had a living being inside, and then it was gone. So I just, I just,it was, you know, and when you're in it, you feel like,you're never gonna have that opportunity again. And in a way,you don't like I now have a baby, but I don't believe I mean, it's not the same spirit.Maybe it is. But I don't think so.Oh, yeah, I see what you're saying. I would feel like it's a new spirit.I think it's a new spirit. And so that Spirit came and hung out with me for a little while. And yeah. See, seems like to me made a good decision. There is less concerns now. Like, I was really wondering how I was going to have the pregnant, you know, if how childbirth was going to happen was like, I shouldn't be alone. So that these things I came to peace with. And I also had just, you know, my family,my partner and my stepson don't really want another one. I mean,they say that, but you know,Ready or not, and, and so I had come to peace. I said, Mom, I'm just going to be a stepmom. And there's some positives about that, because I could have some alone time sometimes. Yeah, it's already really hard to be a stepmom and be running a business with your person. You know, it's pretty all consuming,and you're going to be an older mom. Yes.I know. You're an older mom. You want to tell me? I'm 41? Yeah,well, I'm Monday, Monday. Happy birthday.Thank you. That's crazy, though.And so yeah, it is.Yeah. Well, you know, surprised the hell out of me, and I'll pay this compliment was I don't know if it's a compliment. But, uh,thank you, really. But back in my day of all my, you know,homelessness and suicidal drama.When I came out of all that, I don't even know if he told me.But if you remember, but one day he told me, I can't believe you came out of that you are, you're a warrior v. And man, that meant a lot to me. And I say that right back to you. Because I remember when the miscarriage happened. And you're pretty happy, obviously down and you came out of it really well. And I say to you, you're a warrior.Thanks me. Yeah, well, I mean,part of it is that we don't really have a choice. I mean,you know, that you do have a choice, you have a choice to basically get up and find some joy or get up and be angry and sad all the time. Right. And so like, honestly, angry and sad,it gets exhausting.Yeah. There's a great quote from Maya Angelou. And I can't remember the exact words, but it's like, you know, alright, so these circumstances are not your fault. But you're not going to be you don't have to be defined by them.Yeah. I, I'm, I am still super proud of you. I don't know. I just like, I have seen you become a different person. I feel like, in so many ways.Yeah. I'm glad because I feel that in myself, and I'm glad to know that people that care about me see it as well. Yeah,definitely see it. It's weird,because some times some of the people that are close to me,don't see it. And I'm a little befuddled by that. But yet people who see me every once in a while, are like, hey, what's changed about you?Interesting. So you're bringing up something I thought about like that. People who? I think it's a big mistake that we make in our relationships with people, especially what you said, like people that you see all the time are more frequently. Yeah. We make this assumption and we start living under this assumption that we know that person, you know what I'm saying? So like, we just fill in the blanks. We basically assume like, I know this person,I don't. So we're not we're not allowing for what is actually always happening with people.which is they're changing,they're making different, like,you know, inside we like at any point in our life can just be like, I don't like this. You know, I said earlier, there's things I can't change about myself. But a lot of times there's things that it's like,Wait, I don't I'm gonna stop doing that, like, I'm just done with that. And when we're Yeah,like, I understand I was thinking it's the biggest problem and even my relationship, on my part is assuming that I know what's going on with my partner all the time. I do not. I do not know.You mean in his soul? Yeah, like what's going on? And what kind of person he is today. Versus yesterday,