"I know that's when my childhood ended" with Lana May

Lana May runs her own massage business. She has an Only Fans page. She’s a single mom. And she rocks it all. 
Join us as we cover these topics and more:
Going through with the wedding
Freedom through posing
Only Fans
-Single mom
-Overcoming resistance
-Embracing it
Running her own business
Her pursuit of self-care
Kyle Cease

Put on your chill and come listen 

Lana’s screen names. 
Only Fans: thelanamay
IG; thelanamay
FB: Lana May

Come join me on IG:
michaelvieyraphotography

Join me on IG:
michaelvieyraphotography

Transcript

Unknown: 0:08

Welcome to courage under the stars with Michael Vieyra. That's me, I am Michael Vieyra. Here I speak off the cuff with people that I find interesting, where you're going to sit in a darkened room and just allowing you to eavesdrop. I tell my guests, no politics, no religion, but otherwise, I don't care what we talk about as long as it comes from the heart. I hope even just a small part of it resonates with you. Some of it will, some of it won't. And that's okay. But I'm just glad you're here. I really do love all of you. And thanks for coming. Let's get this thing started. Hello. Welcome to today's episode, our guest today is Alana Mae, she has a beautiful soul who has a only fans page, which we will be talking about at length today. It will carry adult tones to it explicitly might say. So be aware of that. And if that is not your cup of tea, you have been warned up front. Thanks again. And welcome to courage under the stars with Michael Vieyra. I'll tell you what the one thing I love about you is when I met you 10 years ago, whatever it was fuck, right? I was like, Okay, this girl's a little standoffish. She's got her thing going on. Whatever it is, I'm just here to do my work. I'm a photographer. I'll take pictures done and done. But now, Ilana, I don't know what's changed, but you have love in your heart. And you make it easy to want to engage with you. Please, please, please tell me what's changed. Thank you. First of all. It was just such a journey. It was such a journey. You know, I was when I met you, I was a few years after my divorce. And God, it's been such a roller coaster. Because, you know, it was I was in a really bad relationship where my self esteem and just you know, my feminine power was so destroyed. It was so because he was domineering. Yes, it was just very, you know, toxic relationship in a lot of ways. But we met when I was really young 17 You were together for a long time, very long time. You know, and it started from my father, he was, you know, I love my dad, we have a pretty good relationship now. But back in a day, you know, he was very, you know, come from a Russian family. And he was very much controlling, like, you know, so he was living with him was really tough. So I just wanted to get out of the house as soon as possible. So the first guy the first opportunity, and I mean, like, he was a great guy, and he was consistent. He was there for me, he made me feel safe. I was like, Let's go at 19. I was, you know, at 19. I was already almost, I was engaged. Did you care about him? Or was it all about just getting out of the fucking house? You know what I did care about him. But I think what pushed me to do it faster, was to get out of the house. Sure. For sure. I, you know, I fell in love with him. Eventually, and it was I knew it wasn't a good relationship because of 19. We had a big fight and a house and our neighbors called the cops. Yeah. So for domestic abuse. And so the cops came to me. I was 19 years old. And they asked me do you want us to arrest him? And I said, No, because our wedding was going to be in two months. I was like, fuck, so if I do this, I go back to my dad. And out of two evils, but lesser one. So I said no. And what a horrible position to be in and yeah, I say you're in the States or Russia. No, it was here and Philadelphia actually. And the fucked up thing is was my parents were there they came. I called them I think to for them to come when the police were there. Yeah. And I remember my dad didn't say anything. He didn't really stick up for me. And my mom didn't really stick up for me because they We're so worried. There's so many guests invited. We had our wedding in New York, and there's so many guests invited. Yeah. And the thought of like, the embarrassment, what people are going to say, if we don't go through the wedding was so much more important than the actual well being of their daughter. Is that what you meant when you said my parents didn't stick up for me? Or what did you mean by that? Yeah, I feel like, you know, everything I was taught growing up that you keep your dirty laundry. In the home. Yeah, you don't talk about any issues. So we never did. It was kind of like a big no, no. So I grew up with, you know, everything has to be Hush, hush. You can't talk about anything. People can no you have to be you know, a certain way like front. Exactly like what people think of you as such a dominating, dominating reason for everything. Yeah. It was almost crippling. I don't like it. Yeah, I didn't either. But, you know, it took me a very long time to get where I am now. And it's, like I said, it's been a journey. So when I met you coming back to what you said, which now we got, like four stories going on, and I don't even care. But yes. If you have something to say about that, please tell me. So when I met you, a long time ago, it was my first photo shoot. No, it wasn't actually. My first one. I want to say, I don't, I think it was before I met you. I did a nude photo shoot through my agent and throw my manager and it was for photo gallery for a photo book. Okay. It was a very tasteful photoshoot. But so though dish, and he asked me like, hey, how do you feel about going to this audition? I don't know how much be like maybe $1,000. And for me, it was like, Wow, that's amazing. And so I said, Yeah, let's do it. So the audition was at an office is a huge actually. It was like a huge actually like a conference room. There was 10 people. They gave me a rope and said go in a bathroom. Come out. This rope yourself is the highest side this rope? Yes. Turn around naked. Put the rope back. Go back in the room. Yeah. It was the most liberating fucking thing ever. I couldn't get it. It was so amazing. I was high. Yeah. And then I found out I booked it. Okay, so when I got on the set, it was 100 people set was a lot of people. Yeah. So there was a lot of semi nude models, nude models. And I feel like people who are dressed up so it was very like lingerie, but it was very classy. It was like made in like almost like the 50s set. So mine was topless and bottomless. totally new, but close, but just no bra. And no one door. But like jewelry lingerie, just like you know. You can see your your privates. Yeah, but there was jewelry and other items. zactly got it. And I met so many incredible models, like nude models. And I just for the first time in my life. I saw so much freedom in being naked. Yeah. And being not objectified. Because I was taught that first of all, it's shameful to be new to have sex before marriage. All of that. Yeah. You know what I mean? I mean, let alone let anybody see you naked. That's like, you go to hell. Like that's like your whore for sure. You're like, damaged. You don't even go to purgatory. You go straight to done. You're done. You're done. Yeah. And so for the first time and there was a set of you know, a professional set, but the director would like it was And everybody looked into our eyes like nobody looked anywhere else. Nobody made us feel uncomfortable. Crazy. That's awesome. Amazing. Yeah, I was just like, holy fuck what happened? I wouldn't aren't that good? How old were you? I feel like I was maybe 30. Yeah. So you'd never felt any sort of freedom like that before? Never. So it was like with my manager, kind of like, let's do this, you know, it's gonna be cool, whatever. And we did it. But it was such a hush hush. I didn't tell anybody. I think I told my mom and she was kind of okay with it. Like, I was seeing a guy. And he said to me, I told him about it. And he said, If you don't, if you don't do it, I'll pay you what they pay. You just don't do it. Got it. He didn't want it to happen. No. He was that willing to? This is what I'm willing to do about it. Yeah. So what did you say? I said, No. I'm gonna do it. Okay. And I did it. And it was amazing. I never showed it to anybody. When the final product came out, I didn't show it to anybody. It was just me and my manager. Because it was almost like this dark secret. Okay, you know, because I was still so there was so much shame about sexual expression. And sexuality. Did you have immediate regret for doing it? No, never. It was just, I don't want any judgment from this. I don't want any judgment. Exactly. I didn't want any judgment. So has anybody seen it? Ever? No. I think my sister maybe I showed her. That was it. And, and it was a beautiful, beautiful photoshoot. Beautiful photos. I love to hear you say that, that's awesome. That you can at least attach to that feeling. Amazing was one of the best moments. Okay, so looks like we've got a lot of places to talk about. Let's let us let's touch on how that took you to where you are now. Why are you in such a better place in your soul? So my whole you know, my whole life. I was kind of, since I was a teenager, I was always very sexual. For even for a teenager, I was always reading. You know, like, in Russia, we had these like, newspapers about just like crime. And I remember there was a little section of like sex, okay, like, even like rape, or even like anything to do with sex. At that time. I think it was just like anything that happened, you know, rape or whatever. I was news updates. Yeah. And that was the only sexual kind of information that I could get. Yeah. You know, that was and I remember being so curious about just like sex. And I remember having crushes on my women teachers, and I couldn't tell anybody. Okay, because it was just such a taboo, especially in Russia. Yeah. How old were you? I want to say I was 789. So seven, eight or nine, man, that's the age to find a crush on a teacher. Yes. In fact, I got in trouble when I was seven or eight. And remember, it wasn't a first grade and Russia. Yeah. And I remember we, we mean, three other girls used to hide in the closet in the break, and used to touch each other, like take panties off and used to touch each other. And it was like the highlight of my life. Sure. At that age. Yeah. But it was such a dark secret. We knew if anybody find out, we're dead. And one time the teacher opens the fucking door shit. The next thing I know my parents are called in. Everybody's parents are called in. Yeah. And then my father finds out. And of that as a seven or eight year old child, a girl. He was so disappointed in me. And he was so just like, I don't know if it was. No, it wasn't discussed that he was just so ashamed of me that he didn't even hug me. Or he ignored me which felt like for a month. I don't know how long it was but to me, I would say my childhood you know who they say like what time what age your childhood It ends like, I know, that's when my childhood ended. At the age of eight. Yeah, what I felt. There's definitely something wrong with me. I'm totally damaged. Wait, at that point. Your thought was, I'm damaged? Yes. I'm a sexual like, I didn't even know what that was. I just thought there's like, I'm, I remember feeling just I did something so wrong. All based on how everybody else reacted. Yeah, no, no, no, no, no, I felt amazing. You know, I felt amazing. And I just felt that I committed a crime. Yeah. And, you know, when we're kids, we want our parents love. What do we want? We want love from parents. The punishments other than their looks must have been so harsh. To make you carry this feeling of doing something so wrong. Yeah. What were the consequences? Consequences was from from what I remember, it was my I don't remember my mom do anything about it was more my dad. Yeah, he was just not acknowledging me. Not I tried to give him a hug, he would turn me down. I'm sorry. And it was just, you know, just rejection that like, cruel. That seemed like a very cruel rejection of your father. That's harsher than anything that the school could have done. 100%. How? Knowing hearing this story now, for the first time, you've obviously carried it with you. So how do you feel now about that? The way your dad reacted? You know, I there's a lot of anger when I was going through, you know, when I was working through that, I really had a lot of anger towards my dad, for a very long time. A lot of resentment, a lot of anger. My teenage years are awful, because he hated my dad, you know. But like, I know, in those teenage years why you hated him or didn't know, you just hated him. I just we just never got along. Yeah, it was just really tough. But now looking back, you know, it was based off that. Yes. Because I feel like I wanted to kind of because it was so shameful. And I haven't dealt with it yet. I just wanted to bury that, you know, kind of like, somewhere deep down. I don't want to go there. Never happened. Nobody needs to know, it almost has to be like that. Because it's so such a bag of worms to open up. Absolutely. I can imagine you've you still probably have never talked to him about it. I haven't. No, I've spoken to my mom about it. And that's another thing. I've talked to my dad about a lot of things and he's apologized about a lot of things. Okay. Yeah. He, he basically said, like, look, that's the best I I knew how to be how to do answer. Yeah. And and, you know, he's, I know, my dad loved me. Yeah. And he, I know, he did his best. You know, I just being a parent myself. Now. I do different. You know, I, I'm, we're very sex positive in our house. You know? It's like, your daughter is a teenager. She's 17. Yeah. Well, she knows how I struggled. Yeah. And she knows she knows about, you know, I've only fans. And she, she knows about it. At first, she was very kind of vocal about it. She doesn't like that. So it was a journey, because she was old enough where we could have a conversation. And I could explain to her that it's my body, an adult, and I get to do what I want. And I want and I sat her down and said, What are your concerns? What are your objections? Why don't you like it? What and she was able to tell me what her fears were, you know, like, she didn't want boys in her school to tease her. Because she already blocked so many people from my social medium. And I kind of I totally, you know, I understood that it's a it's a legit reason and concern. And we talked about it and we just kind of work through some of the things and I said, Sasha, her name is Sasha. And I said, the more you embrace that within me within yourself, the more it won't bother you. And I feel like now we laugh about it. Like it's kind of like, I take a picture and I'm like, What do you think she's like, is it for only fans? I was like, Yeah, Good. Good. Yeah, I printed. Yeah. I'm surprised she came around so fast, aren't you? It took a few months for it's fast six months, maybe. I mean, I was a kid, my mom was doing only fans. I'm pretty sure I'd be putting up a stink for quite a while. Yeah. How about you? Because you, you went to her because you wanted her to be comfortable? Yes. That's why you asked her. What are your concerns? Yes. What if she had never come around? I thought about that. And I actually, you know, I spoke, I spoke about it with one of my mentors at the time. And he just kind of walked me through, you know, that at the end of a day, you're an adult, and she doesn't have to like what you do, she just has to respect you and your decision. As an adult, I know, it's weird for me, I'm not a parent, as you know, that sounds on paper. ideal. But at the same time, this is a child that you're living with. And I say child, but she's 17 still a child. But you know, you get my point. You want her to be happy with her with her parent figure. You don't want to hold no more of a grudge than a teenager would hold against a parent. There had to be some sort of stronger dilemma than just like, well, she's gotta let me do what I want to do. Well, yes. I look at it this way. You know, at the end of the day, I don't, you know, I don't live for my child. I'm there as a mother. My job is to make sure she is always protected, fed, supported, giving the best as a mother that I can do for her. But at the end of the day, she doesn't get to decide what I do. You know, as long as I'm not hurting anybody. I, I believe that even if she doesn't support in the beginning, which was normal for any teenage kid, I knew that eventually, with some patience with me more explaining and more like being patient with her, she will come around. And that's kind of exactly what happened. Yeah. Because I told her, you know, me and her have a really good relationship. I don't try to be a friend. I'm still her mother. Good. I tell her. Even you know, she's an actress, and she auditions for a lot of movies and TV shows and all that stuff. She has a great team. And she's already at that age where she gets sent out auditions where there's a lot of kissing almost 16 It's almost like, you know, and I told her, I said, at the end of the day, it's your decision. Whatever you decide to do or not to do if you're 19 or over 18 and you choose to show your breasts on TV. I support you. I think that's beautiful. At the end of the day, it's your choice. Don't listen to your boyfriend. Don't listen to your father. Don't listen to me. Listen to yourself. How awesome Are you? I try this question pops up into my head because I feel like it's a natural inquiry for me and I got her some other people are gonna think of it. I know you mentioned that if she wanted to do a topless TV show or movie. But what if it was something like only fans? She decided to go on only for you told her do it. You've already told her to do it. You told her do it. Okay. Yeah. I said to her there's nothing. You know, what is the difference that she goes on Instagram and shows whatever bikini shots? Yeah. And if she does the same on only fancy gets paid. It's up to her what she wants to do. You know what I mean? I want to make sure that she doesn't have any shame about showing her body or being sexually expressed. She's old enough especially after 18 You mentioned the sexual expression and I know that's important to you because you were so repressed Yes. As a kid growing up into your through your teenage years. Tell me more about that. Why Why was that the case? And how did you finally get away from it some 20 years later? I think it's was you know, I grew up on his Becca Stan so it's very A kind of old fashion, you know, men are whatever the kings and women are belong in a kitchen with raising kids. You know, just kidding. Sure. But you know, I saw my mom, you know, she's an extremely smart woman. And she was, she had a very high position at her job. And then when she got married to my dad, my dad was a musician was making a lot more money than my mom. And, you know, when mom had me, my dad basically told her that you have to quit your job and stay and be a stay at home mom, and she didn't want to, and I didn't want my mom to she used to take me to work. That was my, like, first modeling job. She worked for fashion house. She was she had an accounting team there. Yeah. And so they hired me as a model. I was like, seven, eight, I don't know, it was like my first job, basically. And I had so much fun. And I was just like, so heartbroken that basically my dad gave her an ultimatum, like, either you stay at home, or we had a divorce. So she stayed at home with us. And I saw my mom kind of like, losing that power dynamic. Even just that zest, right, that zest and just, you know, kind of like started not taking care of her as much. And, you know, became a housewife. I mean, listen, I'm so grateful to my mother gave me so much love and to my sister. But I think I would have loved to see her happy. I think for any kid, we just want to see our parents happy. And that's why comes back to my own daughter. I feel like, at the end of the day, if her mom is happy, you know, she's happy, because when I was miserable, and pissed off and overstressed. Who would I take it out on? Yeah, my daughter, right? She would you know, she would get the ship from it. She benefits from your happiness. I absolutely. Want to. I would assume you make money. You make money off only fans? Yes, of course. How much does that play into? You wanting to do it and you expecting your daughter to say, I'm going to do what I want to do? You mean how much money drives it? Okay, yeah, sure. for me or for you, for me? How much have you tried to defend it to your daughter is like, look, I'm making money. See, I see. I see. You know, to me, I started my only fans. Not because of money. Okay? Because I have a business. I have a massage therapy business. And I have a team working and you know, we've been, I've I've had this business for last six years. And that's kind of been my main business, you know, so for only fans. I, when I first heard about it a few years ago, I was like, What is this bullshit? Like? That sounds way too good to be true. Like, it's gotta be some fucking scam. What did you hear? I just, you know, I heard like, hearing their only fans a YouTubed about it. And, you know, they were people saying the girls saying like, Oh my God, this how much we get? And I was like, bullshit. I was such a skeptic so much, ya know what I was like, There's no way even if it's not like, even if it's like, whatever, even if it's a third of that. Yeah. Like, you're just posting pictures, and you're getting paid like fucking bullshit. Like I sewed them by, they probably hold it, and they never give it to you. Like it was just sounded too good. Right. So then, few years later, I, you know, I started investing really, a lot and coaches and mentors. And God, it's been a life changing changer for me. And so one of my mentors had an only fans and I was like, huh, I don't, I don't know. And I knew at that point, it had to be real because, you know, I trust her. She was my coach. Yeah. And then I started working with her coach, we both started kind of being in a same it was like this mastermind we had and our mentor his wife was an only fans model Jesus. And so a lot of people do and only fans Yes, I have a lot of friends that do that. And, and they were just thriving in it. They've been doing it for already four or five years and making decent money. And I was like, this this not a coincidence. Like he just, you know, what is it like? Kismet? Yeah, it's just like, basically, I came back to that anyway, I got to try it and the fact that I had so much resistance. I had so much judgment around only fans. I knew that in order for me to get to the other side, I need to heal all the shit, all this judgment, all the shame. It was such a long process. And so with my mentor, we worked so much. I felt that, you know, only fans were horse slots, they saw their body like they're just the most. I mean, like bimbos are not smart. And then I started, you know, and he's like, Well, is that true? I was like, No, it's not true. Because I see so many smart and beautiful women do that and just creating a business out of it and being so brilliant about it, because it is a business. Yeah. And they've run it as a business. I just knew that. There's so much fear about what people think what my parents would my friends and family, they're gonna think like, I'm fucking insane. Yeah. So it was kind of just like, for that reason. I knew I wanted to be on it. Because there's so much resistance, and there's so much fear. And I knew once I overcome it, it's like a healing of itself. I suppose that was my drive. Yeah. That's a huge portion of it to overcome. For me personally, if I was doing only vans, my fears would be about family and friends seeing me naked. Okay, that's me personally, if you want to be naked, you don't have to be. But yeah. Well, vulnerable in some way. Yeah. How do you get past the fact that John over, you know, the grocery clerk at Vons, who you see all the time is now going to see topless? You know, it's interesting. I'm going to tell you some stories. Some incidents, actually. I've had that happen even. So I have a friend. And she's a really close friend. And so her son, who's in his early 20s. I love the tone came down. Sign up for my only fan. Yeah. And you know, at first I was conflicted. I was like, fuck, like, right, right. That's a great example. Yeah. And then I thought about I was like, Okay, well, he's over 21. And over 18, whatever. I'm pretty sure he's over 21 at this point. And I was like, well, listen, I am. I'm not ashamed of doing what I don't hide it. I talk about it. There's media about it. You know, there's articles about it. So it's not like, I knew that if I'm going to put it out there. Yeah, I'm not going to change my name. My name stays the same, right? It's in my bio, like, in my Instagram and my social media, you can always look it up. If I'm going to do it, I'm going to do it the right way. I'm not going to hide it. What is the right way? For me, right way for me is totally embrace it. And whoever wants to come in, I have to be so comfortable with doing what I'm doing that no matter who comes doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. In fact, recently so funny. I also offer Skype calls. Okay. It's like one on one kind of like, if you're only fans. Yes. So it's kind of like, like an intimate it could be about anything sexy time. Yeah, it could be some people just want to connect, believe it or not. Wow. Yeah. But it's so I've had both. I've had where people just want to connect, then they don't really want to go to sexy time. And I've had people that we connect at first and then I kind of want to go to sexy time. I don't know, it's kind of just different. You know, how long? How long does a phone call last? Well, I've choices so you can have 30 minutes, 45 minutes or an hour? Damn, yeah. That's a long time. I gotta ask you, I'm not asking you actually. But I gotta say, I know. You must make a lot of money. I make okay. I, um, it's, you know, it's it's still not main business, not a main business. But I want to make it a main business for sure. Okay, so my, I definitely want to make a lot more like I'm open to and that's the thing. I don't push myself to do anything I'm not comfortable in doing so even if it means making a little less money. I'm okay with it. Because it's not like this is not only money to me, I want to enjoy what I do. I said to myself, I'm gonna love what I do whatever it is I I like that because money alone is not going to make. No, that really makes me happy. Because I've known a few people that have gone to only fans. I don't know why. I hope I'm not sharing too much. But, you know, my first thought is, they succumbed to the money, because who couldn't? I would if I was a girl, I'd be on only fans in a second. But I'm glad to hear you say that, because you're doing it because you want to the money is secondary. And I believe you. I think that's a very good point to make to you right now. I think some people might say that now I'd be like, Yeah, okay. Sure. But with you and know you, at least the girl, the woman I know, sitting before me today is telling the truth. So I don't know. I like that. What What are you saying to people who still aren't in agreement with you? Who's who are close to you? And you're like, wow, what the fuck are you doing? I am okay with that. Everybody has a different journey. And you know, I was just like them just a few years ago, even like a year ago, you know what I mean? So I came around, and I see like, people that judge the most or the ones the one at the most, they just don't realize it. You know, when we are triggered by somebody, usually it's like this. You either you either attract people that are triggered. So those people maybe deep down one it but haven't admitted to themselves. So it's like pisses them off, and they're like, fuck her, she's, she's a whore, whatever. Or it's the people. They're like, Oh, my God, I want to do it to do you know how many people wrote to me women, said, Lana. I want to do only fans to but I'm so scared of people think good for them to turn to you. I like that. And they just, you know, and they said, Thank you for doing what you're doing. You've given us permission to do the same to try as well. Yeah, as a mother as a single mother. How awesome. Does that make you feel? It makes me feel good. Yeah. Yeah, I'm happy for you. And not only I want to say also, like, you know, people might think like, oh, only Vance is like, Man objectify you. But it's so not that I was when I opened my only fans. And granted, I had mentors who have done it, who showed me how they do it. And I was like, Holy fuck, you can do it that way. They had such respect with their subscribers, and it was just so loving. And so like, connected that he was like, there's no disrespect. And so I was like, I want that I wanted that way. And now it's so funny. You know, people can order some videos. I usually don't do a lot of custom videos, but sometimes I do it. If it feels good if you refuse it so a lot. Yeah, I just don't really like I usually want to create my own. I don't like when people tell me. Oh, I want you to do this. This. I don't know. It's just maybe I'm just like, Oh, don't tell me what to do. Wow. Yeah. But but that's a whole different ballgame. Exactly. But now I opened up actually more to suggestions because I don't, I'm kind of I trust them more. And so it's interesting, like literally, I one of my subscribers who's like been with me for I don't know, a year, maybe a little less and who's bots spend so much money. And he's like, he's asking me to do these videos and and I tell him like, Oh, this is uncomfortable with this is and he's like, super respect. He's like, Would you feel comfortable, blah, blah, blah. And it's so interesting. And I said, you know, not yet maybe later. He's like, I just love to see you grow into your expansion. And I never want you to do anything. You're not comfortable. That good for him. You know? And that's just one I have so many like that. Yeah, I have so many, literally one of my subscribers recently, he's like, Oh my god, like your breasts are nearly perfect. Are they real or not? And I was like, actually, they're not. He's like, Well, a friend of mine just had a baby and she's really looking for a Sergent, do you think you can give me the information? I was like off course. And I totally gave him all the information of my doctor everything so it just those kinds of conversations like there's real friendships there's real and they get to see me topless and you know but then again, I I needed to show to myself that just because you're nude your topless doesn't give people a right to objectify you and doesn't have to be that way what people told me that is not true. What People told you what do you mean? When I you know, growing up society, my parents just like a few are naked. If you show whatever your heart you're, you're gonna be treated as such you will not be respected. And you don't feel like that's happened? Absolutely not. No, I also run a business massage business. A lot of my clients from my business went to my only fans, how does that work? Do they see you and say, Oh my God, that last post was so beautiful. Yes, they do. They see you in person and respond? Well, I don't see my clients myself. You know, they know it's my company. Right? But yeah, they, they totally do. Or some of them want to do coaching with me. I also do coaching for men. So a lot of my only fan subscribers, book me for coaching. So it's crazy. I know. It's crazy kind of how everything kind of crosses over. Yeah, but I wanted to, I wanted to have it that way. Where there's no shame, there's transparency. And people know what I do. And that's why I share everything. I share my age that I have a daughter, what I do about what I believe in. So I want people to have a real connection to me. And I feel like they do and that makes it so much better for for both for all of us. Do you this thought just came into my head right now we you and I have shared that we're really enjoying each other's company. And is this? Do you have this with everybody? I don't. And in fact, this is my first podcast, and I just feel so comfortable. And yeah, you made me feel so safe and comfortable. Like? Yeah, I hope. Yeah, it continues to be like that. No, it's gonna stop right now. Now with you, I mean, just podcast. Oh, I see what you're saying. I hope it's as good as it is here. Well, and the only reason that question comes from is because there's a undeniable, joy of life. And you express love. And I don't say that lightly. You really do. It emits from you. So it's like, well, it can't just be me. She's I'm not I know. I'm a great guy. You must share this sort of energy with whoever you come across. Yeah, it's just in you now. Yeah, I just, I feel like the more I started loving myself, the more I started loving people, and just the more I stopped being judgmental of myself, I stopped being judgmental of other people, I have more empathy. My heart is much more open. You know, I trust where before, none of it and my life was misery honestly. Will you marry me later on tonight? Yes, thank you. We gotta go. It's neat, because I have changed over the years through taking care of myself self care and learn to read reframing my brain as you have. And so there is nothing greater than being with somebody who understands the language with with actually the non language of the language. Anyway, I'm done complimenting you. You're pretty awesome, though. Thank you. Sorry, you, Mike. Thank you. Um, but you would mention you have a business as a massage business. Yes. And I know from talking to you before that you had issues with the business that you're not really happy about. You know, I I started the business kind of by accident because I was so broke. And, you know, I worked for somebody for a company for a friend and I was a booker. And then I, you know, I work until the company kind of went under and then somebody, a friend of mine who worked for that company, asked me let me teach you massages, I was like, hell no mana touching anybody should not massaging anybody. That's a Fuck no, she's like, you'll make a lot of money. And I was so broke at that time. I was just like, what else like, God helped me. I got to imagine it had sexual connotation to you when she mentioned it. You know, it didn't because I knew everybody who I knew were professionals. But I knew of that by being a broker. Yeah, I knew what it entailed. all's I knew that people solicit? And I know what it's like to be on the booking side. So I did not want to experience what it is. I don't want to be in the room. Exactly. I don't want to be in the room. So out of desperation, I said yes to her. I was like, fuck it. I'm like, I don't have another choice. Like, literally, I was so broke. I'm a single mom, and I need to make money. So I said, Yes, she taught me in four or five days how to do a certain type of massage. And I started doing it and started making so much more money like 10x Everything I was, you know, making before just my massage, none of that. No, nothing, just massages. Yes. We did house calls we did in calls. And then we six months later, I had a falling out with a girl, we had a fight about something stupid, really stupid, but both were emotionally not intelligent enough to deal with our emotions. Okay, you know, so we kind of just dealt like two high school girls, which is like almost pull in hair, which is so stupid. So I kinda was forced to open up my own. So at that point, I already knew some massage therapists and I knew how the business runs, I knew how to market it. And I slowly stopped doing massages myself, and kind of just became a business owner and running it and, you know, booking appointments and dealing with the clients and all of that, which I really kind of enjoyed. So yeah, but the part of the business, especially before when I was first starting out, it was a lot of, you know, we experienced a lot of solicitations. And even if, with booking I would say, you know, what kind of massage it is that is therapeutic, and there's nothing else and, you know, I was always straightforward upfront with that. Yes, very much. So because I didn't want the girls to go in the room and have this horrible experience. And they trust me, because, you know, I'm the person who speaks, but it's hard because like, there's only so much you can do once they get in the room. If that guy wants to solicit, he's going to do it. And that's what ended up happening. But interesting enough, because it's so I don't know how much you're into energy and all of that because I'm into that. Okay. Well, I used to have so much distrust for men, and so much resentment. And because I think a lot of a lot of it came from my dad that wasn't dealt with or healed. Okay, so of course, you know, there's a saying the way we do one thing is the way we do everything else. So I would say all the men in my life, whether a or clients, men, I dated friends, I had this, like, mistrust and even when I met you, that's why was you so standoffish. I was like that with everybody with every guy. So obviously, when you expect the worst, guess what you can attract the worse. I agree, you know, and I was attracting people like what we afraid of, and what we project. It's literally attracting that. And it's so interesting now, so many years later, when I heal that, kind of like this. This thing this like, resentment and hatred for men. Yeah. I have the most incredible clients, the most incredible clients that have nothing but the utmost respect for my therapist. I've maybe there's solicitation maybe like a 1%. And it's so funny even the way they do they ask like can I ask you a question? Like, I was like, yes. Do you guys do they don't even say it? I was like, No, we don't. Oh, thank you so much. I'm sorry. I hope it's not uncomfortable. Literally like that. There's nothing that's where I get upset about fight them for no, none of that. None of that because I feel that I have so much love and you know, I'm just open and we've attract that since the biggest names you know, from a list actors to God two musicians Grammy, whatever, you name it, the biggest stars. Well, and that is surprising to me personally, because in my opinion, which I think might be quite a few people's opinions. I would think those people are the ones that would be soliciting. They don't. They don't. They don't, they actually don't. Because I think that maybe they, they've been, you know, taught that, you know, they have so much on the line, it's not worth it. Right, what they, usually the people that used to do that would be the people who were, you know, the CEOs, the the attorneys, the doctors that kind of work a lot and have a lot of money, and can pretty much buy whatever, you know, so we would be those kind of people that don't have time for whatever relationships or whatever, and they have families, but they would come to us and try to kind of negotiate, you know, something extra. So the one time we were talking about it, it seemed like it was a big issue for you. But the way you're talking about it now, it doesn't seem like it's that big of an issue. Yeah. So I would say the last year, I feel like there was a shift, I would say maybe the last six to eight months before it was a big issue. But I feel like the more I started working through kind of like my issues with men. Yeah. And they kind of healed everywhere. Everywhere in dating clientele. Clients subscribers everywhere. The positiveness just surrounded you. Yeah. And you know it because it's the work you put into it. For a lot of work. Yeah. Let me ask you, I always like to ask people because I know what I did to change who I am, if you will, what sort of self care to what did you do to get where you are now? There's a lot so I started right after my breakup. That was really bad. Actually. After I met you. I had a you know, I was on a relationship with somebody, which was really toxic. As you know, I mentioned to you or you actually had an issue with that we had I had you as a photoshoot. Yes. You're a second probably nude photo shoot. Uh huh. And then you had a semi nude was a nude was a topless? I don't remember. Oh, it was topless. For sure. I'm not sure definitely non nude but topless. I want to say understood. Yeah. But he at the end of the day, he was like, What the fuck is this? Yeah, I hid it from him. Because he didn't want me to do it. You hid the fact that we were doing it? Yeah, first place you didn't know? No. And then when he found out it was such a big fight. And we had a huge I mean, it was huge. It was a breakup. Yeah. And then we got, I should have left that at that. Of course, we got back together. And it went even worse. Now there's no trust whatsoever. You know, he was going through all my shit, my phone, my computer, like everything, got all my passwords, like was insane. You know, such a horrible relationship. So after that finally ended. A girl who used to work for me said like, Hey, listen, I have the shaman. To you wanna? I was like, hooked up. Fuck a shaman. She's like, just go check them out. He's really good. If you want some kind of like, different, you know, healing good. Because I had psychiatrist psychologist. None of that should help to me, none of it. And I'm sorry for years. Yeah. So I was like, she gave me the number. I called him that day. I booked them that day. God damn. I was it was a great opportunity. Oh, yeah. Desperation, meets opportunity. Yes. And he was kind of like my first dive into healing and energy and all of it. He told me, you know, he just started working with me and kind of like, cleaning my spirit or whatever. And that, you know, I started going to him every week, I want to say for like a few months. Yeah. And that opened up to opportunities for possibilities for me to start searching for more for more healers. So I would go to hypnotherapists. I would go to coaches I would hire I would hire and pay anybody. I was so desperate. I was like just anything. Anything I came across I would buy whatever money I was making was, whatever said I can make you a better person. Yes, yes. I didn't care. I didn't care because I was like, I can't live like this. I can't I can. This is not this was just awfulness. You know what I mean? Like, anytime I would get into a relationship, I just in every part, I was fighting with people that was working for me. I was fighting with my parents, I had bad relationships. It was just, I was I didn't have a good relationships, a relationship with my daughter, we were always fighting. So everything in my life seemed like was a disaster. I mean, from the outside, it looked like, you know, I was running a business. You know, I was dating constantly, I was like, being wined and dined. But inside. I just felt, first of all, unworthy. Just so unworthy, and so not good enough. You know? So even if somebody would do something nice for me, I just leave and quit and receive it because I felt like well, I'm not I'm not worthy of it. So I couldn't receive love. This isn't happy. So this means nothing to me. Of course, like nobody, no matter how many compliments, no matter how many gifts I got, I just was numb because I just didn't feel or they. Yeah. So I just, you know, continued continued. It was a long journey. from Tony Robbins to books. I mean, it was breeding nonstop. I would invest in coaches. I remember the first coach I hired, I literally had no money. But I was like, I don't care. I if it helps me 20% It's worth it. And it did. And it kind of just build up little by little by little, I mean to this day spend 1000s of dollars, and I don't regret anything. Even the shitty investments that I made. They still brought me to some good ones. Yeah. Yeah. I like that. And the one you mentioned, Tony Robbins. Was that a help? Was that helpful? You know, I think Tony Robbins is great. In fact, you know, I did all his I remember like, I don't know, if 10 years ago, I bought his like, what do they like videos or whatever of his like, programs, right? And I knew, and I started listening to them, I was really, really like depressed in life, because I was in a really bad, you know, bad relationship, bad marriage, we were both not happy. And so I kind of started, I told my ex husband, I was like, let's do this together. And kind of reluctantly, he agreed. And then we realized, and I realized that Oh, my God, like, I should not be married. This is not a good marriage. Like I had to actually be honest with myself. And I think Tony Robbins helped me with that good kind of was a first step. And then I did a lot of different, you know, different I spent so much money, but it's easy to spend money on those things. It was crazy how much money in fact, me and my ex husband, you know, we're in good terms now. And we did it together after being divorced. We invested in it. After the divorce, yeah, after the divorce we because like, we, you know, we both want to be the best parents to our daughter, and we're really good parents. So, you know, we're both young and stupid. He had anger issues, and I had my own issues. We were not perfect. So now I feel like you know, we both know kind of where we went wrong. And so, you know, Tony Robbins helped, but he was one of many. I can't say he was the one but I will tell you in my journey. I went through a few and I didn't spend 1000s But I definitely spent money. And Kyle Cece, have you heard of oh my god, I love him. I think is he Yeah, I think I know who he is. And if it is I love him. He's my guy. I just love him. I love the simplicity of his approach. And he's got humor. He's Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Yes. That's him. I love him. He was going to rip me right. Yes, that's how I found him. He was going to rip me out and he was doing that I Wasco whatever. I love him. I know. Oh my god. Yes. Well, I'm just glad. I'm glad because I can see the change in you and I don't say that lightly. Yeah, it's for you. Yeah. I've said to you 72 times since you've been here, how I can just feel the love between the two of us. And I don't say that as any come on or anything. It's just, I feel you, you are right here. And we're sharing our heart together. And it's awesome. Yeah, I feel it. Yeah. It's undeniable. We're actually, you made me, I usually like to make everybody look at the stars on my TV, and you're like, can we just look at each other action? I want to see your eyes, Michael. All right. I'll try that. And I told you, as you were calling. Alright, well, we'll do. We'll start with looking at each other. And then we'll look at the stars. And as you've noticed, I never went back to the stars. This is so much better this way. I think personally. It's better this way for you. And I, it really worked. Because of this connection that we feel tonight. I still want to use the stars for my other guests. But for you, it's this like, it'll be that moment when I've done 200 podcasts. And somebody says, Have you ever not used the stars and Alec be able to say one time? Well, I'm glad you liked it. I definitely enjoyed this. Stop smiling. I'm waiting for an interview. Am I interviewing you? No, no, but I'm just like, I'm, I'm interested. You know, where else? Yeah, no, I like it. Tell me something's on your mind that you want me to talk to you about? No, you don't have to make it up. I just thought I'm just trying to see maybe there is got it. You know, I just I just I want to see more women being expressed. I really do. Because I know. Let me tell you something. Every woman wants to feel desire. This man wants to feel beautiful. Yeah, at any age, at any shape. But there's so much fear of judgment. There's so much fear to really show up to pose that sexy picture to pose that there's so many beautiful people inside out. Beautiful women that I personally know, that are so horrified. Like they're terrified to pose even a picture because, you know, they want to be admired. They want to be seen. They want to be desired. They want to be told they're beautiful, but they're so scared. So if I can be the light for people to see that if I can do it, being a mother being a single mother, being a successful entrepreneur, being a coach being respected by men, date amazing men. Yeah, I've, you know, men that I dated like Forbes 30, under 30. And I get the most respect, and they know what I do. So I want to show women that that's possible. That what they heard and what they learned before is a bunch of bullshit from society that try to control them. Anything because of that, because there's, you know, I show that there's so many sides to me, I'm still a mom. Yeah. And I have a great relationship with my daughter. I am still a sister, a daughter, a cousin, all my family were very close. You know, my cousins, whatever. They know what I do. They think it's funny. I gotta assume they've seen you, right? I mean, they haven't seen there's gotta be curiosity. They don't from what I know. I don't know. But I don't think you know, my cousins want to sign up for my only fans, you know, but they know what I do. And because they feel like because I don't have shame about it. I've kind of like neutralize it within myself. I'm okay with that. Yeah, they're okay with that. At first, I was really worried. You know, like, my daughter's she has a manager, she has an agent. And I thought, oh my god, if they find out you don't want to, you're gonna drop her because they're gonna be like, we don't want to associate ourselves with this shit. You know, and I was petrified. And you know what? Thanks, you know, to like my coaches, whatever kind of like I did the inner work to neutralize it within myself first and now they know and oh my God, our relationship is even better. There's no like this. awkwardness is kind of like, basically the more I accepted it within myself, people around me accepted it and those that didn't kind of felt fell away. Well, that is very true. You know that once you know, when we become who we really are that people are gonna fall away with a polarizing, like, Yeah, but also I think it's a way once again, not to beat a dead horse, but it's the way you handle it the way who you are kind of says like, Oh, look how happy she is with it. I don't know. You're not flaunting it. You're not shamed by it. As a matter of fact, you're almost just empowered by it. I am so empowered by it. For sure. Yeah, like if you had to sing a song right now, which one would it be? Is there what's Whitney Houston song? Every woman? I'm every woman. I was pretty good. No lie. Give me better than that. For the people who are listening, she just kind of smiled and shook her head. Yes. It was good. Nevermind. Bravo. Oh, wow. I remember when we were friends. So yeah, well, yeah. So we started this at the beginning, where I asked you, how have you How did you make your change? Where do you How did you go from the girl I met 10 years ago, to who you are now. And you didn't really answer me way back then. But I think throughout everything we've talked about, you have answered me. And I love the answer. Yeah. I love your journey. I love the path. I love you, Ilana. If I don't see you again. I don't know. Yeah, your energy is something I don't want to see every once in a while. So I'm saying right here right now in front of everybody. Let's hang out more because we're too cool together. Yeah, I'm down. Yeah. But you live all the way down by the beach. So I don't know. I didn't come on that far. You got to come out here. It's too hot here right now. Is it? It's cooler at the beach. Right? It's like 20 degrees. I used to live in Redondo South Redondo. Oh my god. And it was so happened. It's just 20 degrees cooler. Summer here is brutal. Summer here in Hollywood, Hollywood, but more so even in the valley where I used to live. I used to be in Encino, miserable, miserable lives in Sherman Oaks. Yeah, so I love to Redondo Beach, you know at night and sleep with the window open. Hear the waves crashing? Yeah, I can't hear the waves crashing because I'm like, a bit of a walk. But just the wind and like the fresh air. Priceless. Priceless. All right, Lana, before we go, Yes, I'm gonna ask you to tell me something nice about me. Oh, Michael. I'm just so grateful that you invited me because I am having such a great experience with you. You are. I love your spirit. You're just like a light. You're so positive. You're funny. I love you know, you're smart. And I love the way you lead this conversation. And you made me feel so safe. So I appreciate you. Okay, hold on, because I was looking for a joke. Because nobody, nobody looks for a compliment. But what do you just said touched me immensely. So thank you for all that. I'm glad that I did that for you. And yeah, I'm gonna cry because I cry when I get truthful. But that means a lot to me what you just said, and I meant it. That's the thing. I'm a big I see the truth. And I know it well, and you were not lying. And so that's why I had to take the joke away and actually respond to you. So thank you again. Anyway, now say something funny. We gotta go. We're out of here. Say goodbye. Bye. All right, you guys. Thanks for coming out. That was awesome. We're going to be back in a couple of weeks. So hopefully you'll join us then. And if you feel so inclined, please leave a positive review on any of your favorite platforms. And if you didn't like us, of course, this is Xavier McGillicuddy signing out for today. It's Michael Vieyra. You knucklehead See you later