The Home of Fertility with Liz Walton & Helen Zee

Choosing Donor Eggs With Courage; A Fertility Journey Redefined chats with Adele O'Connor

• Liz Walton and Helen Zee • Season 2 • Episode 11

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We explore the emotional, practical, and relational realities of choosing donor eggs, from naming grief to building a values-first path to parenthood. Adele O’Connor shares her story, evidence-based tools for nervous system regulation, and how community dissolves isolation.

• donor egg conception as a valid, hopeful path
• grief, identity, and the imagined child
• bonding fears and early, open family storytelling
• CBT, hypnotherapy, breath, and somatic tools
• one-day-at-a-time mindset and self-care
• partner timelines and communication
• online groups and IVF Support Space community
• reframing control and finding safety in the body
• lived experience informing professional support
• Melbourne Fertility Expo invitation and session giveaway

We are giving away five sessions at the Melbourne Fertility Expo.

The moment a doctor suggests donor eggs can feel like the ground shifting under your feet. We talk with counselor and hypnotherapist Adele O’Connor about what happens next: the grief of letting go of a genetic link, the relief of staying “in the game,” and the practical steps that make this path feel possible. Adele shares her lived experience of meeting her partner in her 40s, working through unsuccessful IVF attempts, traveling for a donor egg transfer, and becoming pregnant at 45—while offering grounded, evidence-based tools anyone can use today.

We unpack the big questions that keep many up at night: Will I bond with my child? How do we talk about donor conception with family and friends? What does identity look like when genetics and gestation are different? Adele explains how CBT, hypnotherapy, journaling, and somatic practices shift the nervous system from stress to safety, which supports reproductive health and resilience through treatment. We also explore partner dynamics, different processing timelines, and how to protect your relationship with honest, judgment-free conversations.

Community is the antidote to isolation. From online groups to specialized counseling to events that bring practitioners and patients together, there are more resources than ever to help you feel seen, supported, and informed. We focus on values-based parenting, early and open storytelling with children, and practical rituals—breathwork, grounding, rest—that bring control back to the present moment. Whether you’re at the decision threshold or deep in a cycle, this conversation offers clarity, compassion, and tools you can use right away.

If this resonated, subscribe, share with someone who needs it, and leave a review to help others find the show. Have a question or story to share? Connect with us on Instagram and Facebook at Australian Fertility Summit.

Connect with Adele 

www.ivfsupportspace.com

Instagram @ivfsupportspace

SPEAKER_01:

Welcome to the High of the Court. Okay.

SPEAKER_00:

And I have a faith. We are two months to the fourth part and the fact that supporting you on your journey. Emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

SPEAKER_01:

We talk about it all. And the emotional high.

SPEAKER_00:

Because sometimes the mixed hate lies in someone else's story, in the quiet wisdom of the body, or in a breakthrough that's finally made for you.

SPEAKER_01:

We are so glad you are here. Let's dive in.

SPEAKER_02:

Hello, beautiful listeners out there, and welcome to the home of fertility with Liz Walton, your host. And I am wonderfully, wonderfully excited. I get to speak to a fellow Brit who also lives in Australia, up in the warmer climates of Australia than I am, to Adele O'Connor.

SPEAKER_03:

How are you, my lovely? Oh, so lovely to chat to you, Liz. We've connected a few times before, and I always love connecting with your beautiful warmth. And um, yeah, as you say, always lovely to chat to a fellow Brit.

SPEAKER_02:

Ah, indeed, indeed. It is. Um, which is a very different journey than mine, but a journey that all of us go through, and uh all of us, uh a lot of us can go through, you know, there's many paths to parenthood, isn't there? There are indeed, absolutely. Absolutely. And the more we talk about it, the more we normalize it, you know. We've there is all these paths, and this is where, you know, it's amazing what we can do now with modern technology and have donut eggs, you know, it's just you know, it's mind-blowing, isn't it? But it allows for those that need it to be the parents and have that gorgeous little baby in their hand, and we just live in such an amazing modern time, don't we?

SPEAKER_03:

We absolutely do. And um, yeah, it's it's uh an option that when it's delivered can feel so frightening and so many emotions, and yet it allows us still to be in the game and you know, still have that option to build your family.

SPEAKER_02:

Absolutely, absolutely. So I'm going to share a little bit about you, gorgeous Adele. So, and then people understand who you are, and then we can get into our chatting. So, Adele O'Connor is a counsellor, she's a hypnotherapist, a psychotherapist with lived experience of the fertility journey. She's the founder of the IVF Support Space, wonderful, an international practice supporting women with families through IVF, donor conception, and family building. Adele blends counselling, CBT, hypnotherapy, and somatic tools to help clients process grief, manage anxiety, and store resilience during treatment and beyond. Oh, that's just so awesome. She also hosts the award-winning Donor Egg Support Conversations podcast. Yes. Creating a global platform for open dialogue and donor conception. Adele's work is grounded in empathy, evidence-based practice, and a commitment to helping families feel supported and understood. Oh, Adele, you are amazing. So um, Adele, let's share about you and your journey and how you know for you it opened up into having to walk the path of the donor pathway. So, you know, share with us, you know, your story.

SPEAKER_03:

Yes, so for a myriad of reasons, I um hadn't met the right partner until I was um in my 40s. And when I finally did meet Mr. Wright, and it felt so right, um immediately the conversation of, you know, do you want children was was out there. So you know, within a year of um dating, obviously, when you do meet someone later in life, um, yeah, it's all gums blazing, life projects, and all of that. So very soon, um, after getting together, we you know decided that we most definitely you know did want to build a family. My husband is actually um adopted. So um, yeah, it was important to him. It was you know really wonderful for him to have a biological child and to yeah, he had an incredible upbringing, beautiful family life. The fact that he's adopted was is not um in any shape, way, or form um a bad experience for him. It's been a wonderful experience. And so um, yes, so yeah, having a biological child was was very much on the cards, and so um we set out um trying, and yeah, at the time I was just like yoga, doing you know, healthy eating, you know, felt extremely young for my age, um, but unfortunately, biologically, uh, my eggs weren't on the same page, and so after uh you know numerous attempts um with IBF, uh we had that conversation um with the our specialist um who said you know, look, we could continue to keep on going, but I think the fastest path to parenthood um for you both will be um finding a suitable donor. So yeah, that was a really sort of hard thing to hear at the time, and it turned out to be, you know, uh yeah, it turned out to be so many things. It was such a life-changing moment because it took me two years to process that information and to actually move forward um with um my donor journey. Um and that was because there was lots of other things going on in my life, um, and it's such an emotional decision, it's such a tough decision to make, and it's not easy in Australia either to you know find um find a donor. So um to yeah, so I eventually chose a donor, um, had um a fantastic experience with uh Dr. Bernstein, um, who's currently based in um Sydney and um they helped me to find a donor in South Africa, and that is where we traveled for our um transfer. And I am one of the extremely lucky women out there who had a successful transfer first time. Because I've just when I put it out there, it doesn't happen for everybody first time. Um, however, I was extremely lucky, and so at the age of 45, um, I was pregnant and um yeah, that now I have an eight-year-old, beautiful, thriving child.

SPEAKER_02:

Oh, beautiful, beautiful. Yes, well, I uh I was pregnant at 45 too and had had my daughter at 46, so I totally, totally get that. And well done you, and I think it's good to know because I suppose you never hear of anyone that has it first time. So I think it's good to know that you know it does actually happen. So awesome, well done you. Now, what are those common emotions that happen with women when you sort of realize we have to go to the donor path? What would that be?

SPEAKER_03:

Yes, so there's there's a myriad of emotion uh emotions, and firstly it's it's shock and you know, potentially disbelief and just a sense of this isn't how it was meant to be. I was, you know, I grew up with the fairy fairy tale that everybody else does, that you're gonna, you know, meet Mr. Wright, you're going to have beautiful children, and then you know, potentially if you've lived in a family where you really resemble other family members, you imagine that for yourself. And when that dream is taken away from you, um, it can feel you know really hard. It's it's a form of grief.

SPEAKER_02:

Oh, it's huge grief, isn't it?

SPEAKER_03:

Huge grief. Yes, and you're grieving not just the genetic link, um, but the imagined child and the story that's now changed. Um, with that can come lots of guilt and shame, um, feeling like your yeah, your body's failed, you know, you'll you have these conversations if there's a partner involved, potentially you have conversations with your partner, you know, them imagining, you know, they fall in love with you and then they imagine the child they're going to have with you. And then, yeah, there's that sense that you've let your partner down as well. Um, if there's a partner involved. And then, of course, there's the the fear of, well, okay, this is an option, this is fantastic, but uh, you know, what do I what do I tell my future child? What do I tell my family, my friends? Um, will I bond with my future child? Um, will they bond with me? What's that gonna look like? It's all so many unknowns. And then the biggest thing that people worry about is the very confusion, confusion around identity. Am I still the mother? You know, there's the the we I'm using an egg from somebody else, I'm carrying the baby, so I'm the birth mother, but the there's a biological mother out there as well. And so that can be really hard to process and navigate and and visualize what that's going to look like for me in the future and for my child. And with all of that, and there's obviously you know, fear, grief, anxiety, confusion, with all of those complex emotions, there's also relief. I'm still in the game. There's an option for me. And the stats from you know, a woman in potentially, you know, um late 30s, 40s, using your own eggs, certainly in your 40s, using your own eggs, is the generally sort of 5% and lower it can be um in IVF. And suddenly the stats are going to using um an egg from a much younger woman that's being tested, um, you know, has had all the fertility tests, etc. Your odds are going up to depending 60, 70, 80 percent um you know, success stories. So that is a massive sense of hope as well. So you do have that sense of hope. Yeah. Um, so yeah, it's really hard to sit with all of those emotions at once. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

Oh, it's it's it's just huge. And then how to how to navigate that, isn't it? So, how can women and couples begin to sort of navigate that process of grief, identity, um, from using their own eggs and you know, I suppose going forward in that path of going, okay, this is the right step for me. I'm going to let go along the Danger path.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, so I guess the the first thing is is to you know, name it as grief. This is grief. It doesn't make me a failure. This is, you know, it's I'm completely, it's completely understandable to grieve this process. Yeah. Um, it's understandable to feel sad, um, you know, even drift into a sense of depression for a while because of all of the complexity and just the all the unknowns. So just allowing yourself to name those emotions and accept that that's what it is right now, um, and giving yourself space. Yeah. And if you can get support to, yeah, it's really, really important. Um, so exploration through journaling can be really helpful, and certainly with um the clients that I work through, um, I have lots of journaling prompts that we go through that are very specific to this transition. Um, counseling is really important because you can talk to your partner about it. You might have a close friend that you feel comfortable talking to. But when people are in an emotional, you know, situation, when they're they're feeling sad, that's hard for someone to hold those those feelings. And generally, yeah, human nature is just you just want to fix it, you want to help in some way. But actually, what you really need is not anybody to try and fix it, just somebody to hold space, somebody to help you just understand and navigate through those emotions at your own pace. So that's where counselling and psychotherapy is so different to you know, leaning on a friend for support or a family member, which of course is wonderful. Yeah. But it's it's very different. And of course, you also know that there's going to be absolutely no judgments. Sometimes we say things uh, excuse me, even to our closest friends and worry, oh, what are they gonna think of me for saying that, or you know, have they got any judgments around that? So just to be held and supported in a completely safe, non-judgmental environment, very confidential environment, um, is really helpful and you know, clients can explore every every nuance of those emotions. Um and also just you know, if there's a partner involved, just understanding that the partners um take you know take this the processing of the information in a completely different way, they might have a different timeline, and you know, this can all that just the way that you're kind of processing this information can impact the your relationship. So just having understanding around that, lots of honest communication. And then just kind of like looking at beyond the genetics, thinking about what sort of parent you want to be, what are your values as parents? Um, so yeah, just kind of taking your perspective away from that just for a little bit and focusing on what kind of parent you want to be, what that's going to look like. There's thankfully so much more support out there now. When I was on my journey 12 years ago, um I feel like sort of speaking about donor IBF, um, there was still a lot of stigma and it was quite hidden. Whereas now it's it's been talked about so openly, there's lots of people out there to support you. Um there's uh support groups on Facebook. Um I actually host a group called Donor Egg Support Community on Facebook. Yeah, awesome. Well done. Beautiful group and you know, very supportive. Um, so yeah, there's lots of lots of support out there now. So that's that's a really good way to to help process that.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I think that's so good. You know, there's more groups, more support, more talking. The more we talk about it, the more it's normalized. And this is so so powerful. So, Adele, from your lived experience, what was it that really helped you the most, you know, navigating that move to donor conception?

SPEAKER_03:

Yes. Um, so the the thing that helped the most, I think, was finding someone that did it that had already done it. So I I for a friend of a friend, I found somebody that I could actually go and have a cup of tea with. And it was the most helpful thing just to um see her family at large, you know, um beautiful boys just living their best lives and you know, um, just a normal family, and just to have all of that normalized and to understand the ins and outs. Um that's how I got the referral to use the same doctor as this person and kind of go the same route. That you know worked for me as well. There are there are sort of you know many different options out there. Um so yeah, that was really helpful, and then I'm the sort of person that you know I've I've been um in sort of therapy, as in, you know, really enjoying everything, sort of holistic therapy all of my life. Yeah, that's kind of my jam. So yeah, googling and looking for what couldn't support me. And I found a fertility retreat, can you believe it, in Bali? Nice. So I took myself off to this fertility retreat just before my transfer, like a month before, and it was just so beautiful. I immersed myself in womb healing, in you know, really connecting with that creative space of the womb, drawing the baby that I wish to um, you know, receive and meditating and just doing all the things, letting out so much emotion, you know, just um yeah, becoming a clear vessel. And it was it was a really wonderful thing to do. And that's I guess that was kind of the inspiration also for me once I had my child. Um, I've always been a massage therapist, so I was always doing fertility um massage room healing with my clients, and then I felt like oh COVID hit. So I was like, I I want to do something where I can reach more people, not just on my massage table. And so I retrained in um fertility coaching, and that led to psychotherapy, hymn therapy counselling, um to be able to do online sessions and now on the Sunshine Coast in-person sessions.

SPEAKER_02:

Oh, no, I mean, I love that journey going to Bali, you know, everything is this path, isn't it? You know, which helps us to become the best version of ourselves. And, you know, I I I really believe I I know the fertility journey is tough, is it's freaking tough, you know. But within that, it it creates such transformation and learning and understanding where we can support others. And this is where you know we turn the trauma into treasure, isn't it?

SPEAKER_03:

I love that, Liz. I actually love that. Turning the trauma into treasure, and um that's exactly what happened for me. Exactly what happened. And I I think any situation that happens in people's lives where they you know experience experience trauma, it's can be such a turning point. And we kind of have, you know, we make a choice. How are we going to respond to this? Are we going to you know allow it to always drive us down, or are we going to you know help inspire others through our journey, or you know, just look at it in a way that that can be more helpful? And yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

And a lot of it is always the emotional support. It was interesting speaking to somebody else about how 50 57% of people going through a fertility journey will will let go because the emotional um aspect is just too much. So learning what is there to support you emotionally can really make such a huge difference, can't it?

SPEAKER_03:

Absolutely, absolutely. You know, that's why I've created the IVF support space because there's so much at stake when you're going through um IVF, you know, treatment. There's the financial sacrifice, there's the the time, there's the emotional load, you know, the logistics of it all. There's so much going on, and it's such a um a heavy process. Um, and you know, you become experts in you know in all of the the protocols and the hormones and all of that side of it. And yet the one thing, and there's so much out of your control, but the one thing that you can control is uh your you know your emotional response, um, yeah, how you look after yourself, self-care, how much you rest, yeah, and um, and staying present. Yeah, because that is you know, some people are on this journey for a decade and more. Yeah. And to be in that mindset of continuously um not knowing what's going to happen, not being able to control things, it is so draining. It's draining mentally, physically, financially. So I find that grounding techniques, reframing control, um, emotional expression, and just having that support is the it's the the uh difference between continuing a cycle or giving up.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, yeah. And that's what I was gonna ask. You know, what are those practical strategies that people can use right now that would help reduce stress, build that resilience whilst being or going through IVF or donor conception? So I like that uh grounding you said before.

SPEAKER_03:

Yes, absolutely, because you know, we're always like we're we're kind of wired, I think as humans, to um to think about what can go wrong. You know, what's what is our um uh yeah, what can go wrong. And so with slow breathing, you know, breath work, with hypnotherapy, um, what we start to look at is what do we want to happen. Yeah. What do we want to happen? Let's focus on what we want to happen and just taking time to just slow down and just be right here, right now. And when and it, you know, it's amazing. I was talking to clients, I'm like, how are you feeling? And they're like, out of ten, yeah, eight out of ten stressed right now. And we'll we'll just do a somatic exercise, just calming, you know, a bit of breath work, calming down, do a hypnotherapy session, and within an hour, how are you feeling? Two out of ten. So it's just it doesn't take long within 20 minutes, within an hour, you know, you can bring yourself back into um bring your nervous system back into a calm space. And it's it sounds cliche, but it's so important because that's where you know our reproductive system is based around that. Our body needs to know it's safe, our body needs to know it's safe to reproduce, our body needs to know we're in a safe space to you know have a baby. And so that really is the the crux of my work, is just bringing people into the here and now, calming their systems and getting them to focus on what they've got.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, yeah, that is the key. How can we make the body feel safe? It really is a big key, isn't it?

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, and it's like a muscle you have to keep practicing.

SPEAKER_02:

For sure, for sure. And even when you get it, you've still got to keep practicing, isn't it? It's it's a nice thing. And and this is also what I fear is the gift of the fertility journey is you learn all of these tools now so that you've got them for because you're going to need them when you have a little baby. You're going to because life doesn't stop. It's, you know, then there's the next cycle of you know what that may mean. And it so having those tools and learning them are life skills that help us to become the best version of ourselves.

SPEAKER_03:

I 100% agree with you. And I say to my clients, you know, learning to recognize your emotions, to acknowledge your emotions, to you know, see them as that in a navigation system, um, and to help yourself regulate. Yeah, how amazing is it that you can teach your children these skills, that they become part of your life, and then you can teach your children these skills because not only are we helping them feel better, what we're actually doing is ending you know, linear lines and ancestral lines of switching down emotions and repressing emotions, like when we actually learn to process them in a healthy way and teach our children that we're changing our whole ancestral lineage. Yeah, it's it's a wonderful thing.

SPEAKER_02:

And this is, I think, where it's powerful. And and again, I want to go back to where, you know, on the fertility journey, wherever that might mean, surrogacy or donor, or you know, all of the different paths that can be on the fertility journey. And we feel so bad. It's like when we talk about this and realize actually the fertility journey gives us tools, resilience, understanding, more compassion, more understanding. And it's just like it, it I feel like so. I'm also talking this out now. It's like the understanding of actually this can sometimes be the key that you know breaks us into being, you know, uh the best thing ever, you know, and the best parent, the best human being. It's um it can be the gift that keeps giving, even if we can't see it at the time.

SPEAKER_03:

No, that's right. You can't see at the time, but use, you know, perhaps that year later, you know, and you've got baby in arms, and you're forced into having those very grounded moments when you literally can't move because you've got baby in arms, you know, and you're you know, connecting with yourself, connecting with your baby, and yeah, reflecting on everything we're seeing. Yeah, lots of lots of pinching moments and yeah, sort of reflection and realizing that you know there's this there's been positive tools that have been born out of you know the hard times.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, yeah, no, absolutely. And this is why um I've created the Melbourne Fertility Expo that I'm so excited that you're going to be down there. I get to feel you and give you a big hug in person, is because there's all of this support, all of this help from all of these different complimentary practitioners and doctors. And a lot of us have had a lived experience, which is why we end up working in this space. And it's like, calm down, speak to us. We're here for you. And in some cases, I've walked your path and I want you to have the easiest, you know, treading the easiest, you know, way possible so you don't have to go through what I do. So, you know, this is where we're creating the the village, the community. Come and let us support you. And um, I'm so excited you're part of that.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, no, I'm so excited to meet you in person, Liz, and to meet all the other incredible practitioners and to meet um, yeah, the wonderful people that are coming, that are on that fertility journey. And um I'm I'm giving away a um a session. I've got five sessions to give away. So yeah, I know that I'll be connecting with at least a few of you. And so yeah, I I just really look forward to meeting people that are right in the thick of it. And you know, if I can just chat to you for 10 minutes and and help you in in some way that um yeah, I'm happy.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, then we're doing and then that's it. This is why we do it, isn't it? It it it's how can I be somebody, be that person that can touch your heart and help you to feel better, to feel soothed, to have that medicine that is needed. So yeah, oh, I love it. So, Adele, what could be? I always find it difficult to say, one top tip or a few top tips that you could share as we sort of come bring this chat to an end, um, um, that would be beneficial, you know, what's what's a top tip to share with people on that IVF or donor journey?

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, so you know, from the people that I've connected with so far that are like just in that in their heads, in their minds, and just too frightened to talk to anybody um about it and just don't know what to do. I really urge you to reach out to somebody that's been on the journey, you know, whether it's a professional, whether it's the peer group, like find someone that you can talk to because that will make you feel so much better. Number one. Um, number two, just one day at a time, you know, just try not to think 20 steps ahead. Focus on one day at a time. Yeah. And um and yeah, just really look after yourself while you're going through this period.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, yeah. Be gentle with the self, hey. Yeah. Thank you so, so much, Adele, for chatting with me today and for taking the time out of your busy schedule to share your knowledge, your expertise, your lived journey with us, and um also being able to, you know, also give give a great gift out for when we people come down to the Melbourne Fertility Expo. Thank you with the deepest part of my heart.

SPEAKER_03:

Oh, thank you, Liz. No, it's been it's an absolute pleasure. And yeah, as I said to you before, I just think you're amazing for you know being the founder of this and putting it all together. So yeah, thank you for the huge impact that you're having on so many lives.

SPEAKER_02:

Well, I hope so. It's like being the magnet, isn't it? And it's like how what needs to happen to let everyone know, please come. We have you, we hear you, we we want to give you the biggest hug as well as education, inform, and know that you're not alone. I think the biggest thing is I I always felt so alone.

SPEAKER_03:

Yes, yes, we didn't talk about that. Isolation, absolutely. Yes, you're not alone. You're not alone. Come to the fertility expert and you will just feel this this big warm hug around you and be there with other people that are on the same journey.

SPEAKER_02:

Oh, I love it. I love it. Thank you. That's a beautiful thing to finish with. So, with that, Adele, um, just lots of blessings and love. You take care, and I look forward to seeing you in a month's time. And thank you for chatting with me today. Thank you so much, Liz. Really appreciate it. Oh, pleasure. And with that, I will leave you for today and all you listeners, and just reminding you be gentle with yourself. Take one step at a time and uh yeah, take time for grounding and breath. With that, lots of love and speech.

SPEAKER_00:

Thanks for joining us at the Homer Fertility. We hope today's episode brought you clarity, comfort, and connection.

SPEAKER_01:

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SPEAKER_00:

And if you'd like to connect or share your story, find us on Instagram and Facebook at Australian Fertility Summit.

SPEAKER_01:

Remember the missing piece might be waiting in a story, your body's wisdom, or something new just made for you. Take care and we'll see you next time.