Today marks 6 months since my Dad's funeral. I lost my Dad to Cancer and it still hurts. The death of a parent can be the most hurtful thing in the world to deal with. This week I'm joined by Jo-el to talk about the death of a loved one and the grieving process.
Today marks 6 months since my Dad's funeral. I lost my Dad to Cancer and it still hurts. The death of a parent can be the most hurtful thing in the world to deal with. This week I'm joined by Jo-el to talk about the death of a loved one and the grieving process.
Hey guys, welcome back to yeah, whatever this is going to be a little bit different than we're used to there's gonna be no intro music and Just no Erica, but we do have a special guest today. His name is Joel Martinez Can you introduce yourself? Hi name's Joel and Me and Joel have been friends for how long like nine years. I think almost ten years now about that time Yeah, almost ten years and he's a really good guy last week I kind of Told you guys that I recently lost my my dad about six months ago and that we're gonna do kind of a series of Podcasts dealing with grief and how to deal with grief.
I decided to invite Joel on the podcast because me and him have Something in common now, so we both lost our dads me very recently and you kind of a while ago So Joel, did you want to talk about kind of your first experiences with that? Well, I Need to give a little context I Didn't grow up with my dad around and He was in prison most of my life and in 2016 he got out on good behavior and The year he got out is also the year he died from an overdose and I Spent a couple times Hanging out with him. I wasn't close But I did grieve the future that we could have had together because he was making an effort to want to be a part of my life and He said he was proud of me said he loved me and And I was looking forward to Having him a part of my life And but it wasn't so How was life like was did you get like letters or you come by to fought for birthdays or I did have some interaction With him while he was locked up. I did visit him as a child Remember I remember my first time meeting him I was nervous and My mom said to go up to him and hug him and I hugged him and just It was the first time I've ever been embraced by my father and it was a it was a new and Unfamiliar territory because I'm throughout my life I've been raised by all women and even though my mom has done somewhat of the best she could she could not replace my father and Nobody can can replace a father no matter how society thinks or says Fathers are important in a child's life and fathers are needed When you lose a parent when you lose a father figure it sometimes is different for a lot of people because for your example you grieve the Future that you could have had with your dad and I grieve the past like everything that I did have with my dad And I feel like a lot of people that are either estranged by their father or they never had that opportunity You know their father left them at an early age, you know, not completely out of the scene yet But then you know one day they're just gone that that's pretty traumatic Can I ask you what what did you experience when like the like the first day? Like that you that you heard the news from your perspective my my brother's mom Because my me my brothers have two brothers.
We have the same dad, but different moms I got a phone call from her and she tells me that my dad passed away at first. I thought she was joking and She was being serious and and then I hanged up and then I Remember entering the the room the living room they went up to my mom and I Broke I broke down crying and just told told my mom that my dad died they were the first they were a little confused because Because I started crying first and they they didn't understand what was happening And then me and my mom broke down crying together In my perspective My dad was like some of you know on the podcast been battling cancer for five years and I got a call That's that basically said, you know, he we threw up last night. He's not doing very well And then you know having a father that's that's been sick for so long.
You kind of used to those phone calls You're like, okay. Well, like, you know, I'll be praying and stuff like that But then, you know, my mom said something like like he's really bad and I'm just like oh Like should I fly home and then at first she's like no, no, no, it's fine You don't need to fly home. And then I think it was the next day she she called me up and she's like I think you need to fly home and that's when like my heart just sank because I'm like I never needed to like go back for an emergency before because things just got so bad and so he had to go to the emergency room and he looked pretty bad and this is for all the people out there that have sick parents and Kind of parents that have cancer and or just dying of old age You kind of know what I'm talking about, but they they look different.
They they don't look themselves. They kind of have this What what what some people call it? like it's it's like they have one foot in this world and one foot into the next world and they just they're kind of disoriented and what's heartbreaking is like you try to talk to them and they Sort of know you're there but they sort of kind of drift off again into like a sleep and That was just really heartbreaking for me because it's like the last time that I actually Talked to my dad Was like a random probably a random phone call that we were talking about like fixing up the Jeep and like I just I just thought when the end came I could talk to him, but it was more like he was half there half not there and They said the cancer had spread so vast in the system that he basically they were calling it no more chemo and he had about ten days to two weeks left and I was kind of shocked because you know when he first Received the diagnosis of cancer it was three years and he beat that by two years He was on his fifth year and I just thought okay. Well, my dad's my dad's pretty tough like Ten days to two weeks.
He's probably gonna live another like couple months But to be honest, you know He had to go home and he only lasted five days later and the night that he went was very rough He had what they call a death gurgle and A lot of people out there might know what I'm talking about some people might not know what I'm talking about but a death gurgle is it sounds like a like When you pull the plug out of the tub and it's kind of draining down It's like a gurgling sound the water going down basically The muscles in the back of the throat cannot swallow So there's buildup of fluid in the back of the throat and it sounds like they're just gurgling water and it's the most horrific sound you can think of they're not technically drowning because they can still breathe, but They're gurgling and they're also moaning at the same time, which I mean if you have to listen to that all night long while you're trying to sleep and When you're also worried about them and you don't want what's inevitable is gonna happen It's it's a very traumatic thing and I remember the next morning at 11 14 a.m My mom I was out of the room I was caught I was actually calling his friends Asking them like hey, I think this is gonna be it. Like would you want to have a one last visit and You know, I was calling all his best friends and at that moment My sister ran into the living room and she said Josh Josh could come here quick And so I just I said, oh, I'm so sorry. I have to I have to go now so I hung up on the phone ran into his bedroom and Basically what what happened was my mom had asked him Do you wanna do you want to let go now and my dad like looked at her and then he just nodded his head So it was kind of his Acknowledgement that he like it's so weird but like they do have the power to let go if they wanted to like He tried he tried so hard to stay with us and he tried for five years to like beat cancer But it just knocked him down and the last day he did let go and He was surrounded by the entire family and when I say the entire family, I mean his kids and his wife So there's me and my two sisters and my mom so all four of us were just surrounded his bed and then I actually saw his last breath and He just he just stopped breathing and he closed his eyes and it was actually kind of peaceful.
But man, I Everything that was holding inside of me Like for like five years just like let loose and from what my sister's explained Like I just I sounded like a dying animal I just like cried I fell on his chest and I just could not stop crying and my sisters were actually worried that I Was gonna like gonna hyperventilate because it was like this big release It was like oh my gosh, like this thing that I did not believe was was was happening Actually happened and it it not only happened when I was in California No, thank God. I wasn't because I think I would have been traumatized if if something like that happened away, but Like I got actually got to witness my dad dying in front of my face and I for for some people out there that listening To this podcast. That's your situation for some other people You might actually be in another state and where when your parent dies and you just get a phone call But you know from my perspective I was actually there you know when your parent kind of Has cancer or has a disease or has kind of a timetable.
It's it's kind of a it's a curse, but I Guess the silver lining in the blessing is that because you know, the end is coming you can kind of prepare for it and That's you know, that's what I was doing the last five years and I know I'm kind of going overboard on explaining things but And we're gonna talk more about that. Just the differences and in Expectations I guess and and what to do and when how to feel but that was my 24 hours and then of course the nurse had to come back we by the way, I've heard a lot of People saying the same thing and I don't want to be too hard on hospice nurses, but the hospice nurses weren't exactly the most helpful people and Like I said, this this is advice that I've been told to by a lot of people there. You're pretty much on your own.
I When it comes to like the time of death, it's they're pretty much useless. I'm so sorry but it was basically just me and my family having to deal with it and My dad was there he was lying on the bed and he was gone and we were just holding his hand waiting for the funeral car to get there and They they had some unusual things. There's gonna be some unusual things that they ask you to do We had to shave him and we had to wash him and this is all the fam The family has to do that and we were a little bit like oh, okay, so We did that We used his shaver for the last time and it was kind of like wow, like we bought him the shaver for Father's Day It's like everything's like hitting really hard like all at once and like he always loved his hat So we put a hat on him So he didn't look like too bad, but like it we knew it didn't matter because we had to go inside the bag anyways but like we just you're just not thinking you're just like doing things and you're trying to make him look good and Yeah, they came and the one thing they're gonna ask you and you got you really have to think carefully about this But they're gonna ask you do you want to be present when they put him in the bag? Because they're going to try to talk you out of it They're gonna be like this is very Like a lot of people can't handle it and a lot of people just kind of like lose it at this point because it's really Like it's like the first burial, you know But me and me and my mom were like, I'm pretty sure like witnessing my dad Leaving into into the next world was the most traumatic thing I don't think him like going into a bag would be that that big of deal But you know, it's okay if anyone out there can't handle that You know it my sister couldn't my youngest sister decided not to not to do it the rest of us decided to watch and so he it was it's like a nice velvet bag that they kind of zip and my mom started crying a lot at that point and We just they just kind of wheeled him into the car and then he left and that was the first day and then they notified Us the next day.
We're gonna talk to the funeral people and there is a lot of decisions to be made But they do give you at least 24 hours to kind of deal with the with the loss So, I know I went on a super long tangent, but it's just because our stories are different I feel Joelle when when you're actually there there's a lot to I feel like there's a lot to deal with at that day, especially when you're with the body and stuff like that and It's very kind of emotional but I Have to ask you like moving on from that like, how did you feel like that week like after that day? Like how did you feel that week? Did you feel any of the steps of the grieving process? And what was it an order was it out of order? Like what was your thoughts? What were your feelings? Yeah, it was pretty much out of order Because I did acknowledge the loss right away and then I was just kind of like in a shock of Like a daze and I was like that for a little for about a week until Plans were made to fly to Texas because that's where my dad is from and We were gonna bury him next to his mom and my grandma who I've never met this is how when I flew over there with my stepmother and her sister and My brother my half-brother he Drove in the truck with my uncle's my two uncles They had my dad's Body, and they drove his body over State lines because they were given permission to to the funeral parlor over there in Texas So they can plan everything for the funeral. That was like the first week Try to try to help me remember the like the standard stages of grief, there's five stages of grief denial anger bargaining depression and acceptance depression, okay Which is important because I feel like depression kind of weaves in and out a lot Between all the emotions and I feel like out of out of all the stages that is like the slipperiest one because it kind of creeps into every stage and it's it's I think one of the longest stages first out first. I was in denial For like about a week and then I started getting angry at my dad because because he used drugs He overdosed on cocaine It was hard because it could have been it could have been prevented He could have never used it and he could have got help.
He could have asked for help It's even harder to deal with this with his death because it could have been prevented it didn't have to happen But because of his free will he made the choice and It the choice ended up costing his own life and that turned me away from drugs alcohol smoking marijuana so I stay away from all those type of things because I've seen how much grief sorrow division it causes is that it causes and families and friendships and All that stuff is really not worth it We'll kind of get towards a little bit more of that towards the end kind of like your advice to people who are dealing with parents who are on drugs or They're just kind of spaced out disconnected from their kids And as those children like how to deal with that The stages of grief that I was experiencing. I didn't really have any denial because Like I said, I was kind of dealing with my dad having cancer for five years So the denial actually happened right when I heard him like the news that he was sick I didn't want to believe it because it's like my dad was the strongest person that I knew he could hike 20 miles He could kick my butt in a in a any kind of a hike or a race or anything like that He was still stronger than me. Like he could beat me in an arm wrestling competition He had a very strenuous job very strong legs And then all of a sudden you're gonna tell me that he has bone cancer and that he broke one of his bones and then He's kind of sort of bedridden from now on that.
He can't really do the things that he did. The denial was very heavy at that point, but I like to explain to people that when you're dealing with a sick parents Like there's almost two deaths, right? Like the first death happens when they become sick and their life just changes They can no longer do or be the same person that they were They're always gonna be your dad or they're always gonna be your mom But they you know, they can no longer just like go to Disneyland and like walk around like before You know It was very hard Even though he really wanted to my dad really wanted to road trip around America and see all the national parks and hike up mountains but that was kind of a like a dream that couldn't be anymore and I Feel like that's sort of like the first death like you have to accept that okay, like my my parent is sick or my parent has cancer and he's terminal or he she's terminal and the the second death is obviously when they actually die and And when that happens, I think all most of your denial stage is gonna happen when when that first part happens but with my dad the first thing I felt was like the the the the colors in the world They look different the you know, the birds they just stopped chirping Things didn't smell as sweet. It was like the the world got darker for me and It it's never gonna be the same way again There's gonna like the earth planet Earth is never gonna have my dad walking around on it anymore and to me that was incredibly depressing like the worst parts was waking up in the morning the first kind of ten minutes me just wake opening up my eyes and me having to realize that this wasn't a dream that my dad was gone and I'd have to just Deal with the day without him being in it and I'm just like this is the worst This is absolutely the worst like I just want to go back to sleep Even if I can like just pretend that the world didn't just change for me because I couldn't face it Like I can't deal with this right now.
I don't want to it's unfair And I think a lot of people that have had their parents die on them I think the one thing they feel like is it's so unfair. It's really it's really sex like One of the things that's that's hard besides our besides having a parent die is That the world keeps moving on and your your world stops Like your world crashes and no one is like like stopping with you and the world keeps moving on like if nothing happened and It's probably one of the heart at least for me was one of the hardest things to to grip with and and because Because you're looking around For comfort for support and if you can't find any it's and you have to deal with it on your own Or you're stuck in your own head or sometimes you don't even you can't even articulate your grief and And the only way to express your grief is is through tears through through sobbing through through those mount those moans and There are there is a grief that will no words can describe It's it's it's a wailing that that Bellows deep within your soul where you by hearing it by by hearing that sound it causes It affects you it it causes it caught it can cause you to tear up and cry The grief is so intense and everyone grieves differently depending on the relationship of Or the one they lost and one thing I was just never let yourself Stay silent. Don't stay silent about your grief Be open about it.
Allow yourself to cry allow yourself to feel anger Allow yourself to feel because the more you suppress it the more The more intense the grief is going to become just wondering From from like a week to a month you've explained pretty well How did you how was your life like like the first six months after you learned that your dad passed? like what were you experiencing? What were you learning about yourself and Did at any point did it was were there any surprises like good or bad that happened that? You know, you just felt like extreme emotion one way or the other Experiencing the new normal I would say the positive thing about all this the good I wouldn't say positive because There is no negative or positive when it comes to grief It's just grief the good that did happen throughout. This is I got to meet my dad's family They didn't know I existed until I showed up And But it was it was nice getting to meet my uncle's my cousins my aunts To see a family that I've never met before and getting to to know them and hang out with them at the before the funeral we had the viewing of the body and During that time. It was an open casket.
So I was able to see my dad and He looked different Um Even though they put all the makeup on him. It's still He just didn't look the same. I never cried so much in my life that I've Cried so much to the point where It oh, he took all my physical energy.
I was completely tired And Dehydrated and I Wasn't able to walk my legs were that weak from from this from the grief And my family had to carry me outside Because I told them I don't want to be in this room anymore And they carried me outside gave me some water had me Leaning against the wall. That was my time during the viewing of his body I do have to agree with you You know when when the funeral does come it's you can't really be There's there's no way for you to like prepare you Except for you to know that your loved one will probably not look anything like what they did in real life My dad didn't and I I've been to many funerals. I've been to my grandpa and grandma's funeral.
So I I did expect that But with someone that was literally like a part of your life almost every day like you looked at their face almost every day It's eerie to say the least. It's um, they do look gone and for some people that might actually be like a final like Acceptance like okay. This is not this is just their body right like their spirits their personality is no longer here We believe You know me and Joelle do believe in a higher power and we believe in heaven and we believe in the hope in heaven So we do believe that there they are waiting for us up there their spirits or souls and some people out there that are listening this podcast might not have the same beliefs, but you know, it still is the same that their their identity is isn't like their their their personality is no longer here and Just like you I cried a lot when I you know I I held his hand and it was cold and it was stiff and you're just like oh wow and a little bit of the makeup comes off because you know, they do the whole body and You know when you have cancer you have kind of cancer like chemo scars everywhere And you know, they tried their best to kind of put the makeup on the chemo scars But like it sort of rubs off and you're like, oh my gosh, like this is so sad This is like heartbreaking like this person who fought so hard you know, finally, this is this is their final step and You know, I I remember these words I told my dad like I you know Just looking down in his face and just holding us in and just be like, you know I I guess that there's no more adventures for us, you know that we can go on at least in this life You know, I can't wait for him To show me all the wonderful things up there, you know, just taking me on so many adventures, but it is surreal and you do have to kind of prepare for that and you are going to cry a lot and Like Joelle said like if you do have any family members that can help you out during this time.
It's very good Dealing with this alone. I don't think I don't think you can deal with this alone No, it's not possible to deal with it alone thing about interesting about grief is it's not it's not linear What I mean by that is that it doesn't go in one direction. It goes in too many directions Some people may cry some people may not cry And they'll start to question Why am I not crying? Is it my heart? Am I a horrible person for not crying? It's just that the way we process Emotions is very complex whether they're painful or they're or they're beautiful it's part of being human and we should never shy away from from those emotions and by by Experiencing them and getting through we learned how to cope with life and how to manage Experience the next loss and it also teaches us how to be there for others Because when someone else that we care about is going through what we went through we have a better understanding To be equipped to to bring comfort and and love to them and if you do happen to have no one to turn to it's I would just say it doesn't hurt to Look to a higher power even like studies say that those who look to God that they are able to Have some hope even though everything feels hopeless Because I know like with me like I've during that time of my life I I was struggling with my faith and when I lost my dad.
I was just like I Truly believed that I thought I was never gonna believe it and follow God again But I still continue to still acknowledge his existence But my relationship with him was on hold. It wasn't till like I heard a message that gave me some hope that That message was can God be my father? and that message brought such comfort and such assurance to me that it helped me to help bring some hope to my life and Tend to continue because my dad passed away in 2006 the crazy thing about that is if I didn't hear that message That God can be my father. I would not be here today because the next day I was planning to take my own life and Is it's all because my mom invited me to church if I never attended that church service I would have never
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Hey guys, welcome back to Yeah Whatever. This is going to be a little bit different than we're used to. There's gonna be no intro music and just no Erica, but we do have a special guest today. His name is Joel Martinez. Can you introduce yourself? Hi, my name's Joel. And me and Joel have been friends for how long? Like nine years, I think, almost 10 years now. How about that time? Yeah, almost 10 years, and he's a really good guy. Last week, I kind of...
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I told you guys that I recently lost my dad about six months ago and that we're going to do kind of a series of podcasts dealing with grief and how to deal with grief. I decided to invite Joel on the podcast because me and him have something in common now. So we both lost our dads, me very recently and you kind of a while ago. So Joel, did you want to talk about kind of your first experiences with that? Well, um.
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To give a little context, I didn't grow up with my dad around and he was in prison most of my life. And in 2016, he got out on good behavior. And the year he got out is also the year he died from an overdose.
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I spent a couple times hanging out with him. I wasn't close, but I did grieve the future that we could have had together because he was making an effort to want to be a part of my life. And he said he was proud of me, said he loved me. And I was looking forward to having him a part of my life. But it wasn't so.
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How was life like? Did you get letters or did you come by for birthdays? I did have some interaction with him while he was locked up. I did visit him as a child. I remember my first time meeting him. I was nervous and my mom said to go up to him and hug him and I hugged him and it was the first time ever.
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been embraced by my father and it was a new and unfamiliar territory because throughout my life I've been raised by all women and even though my mom has done somewhat of the best she could, she could not replace my father and nobody can replace a father no matter how society thinks or says. Fathers are important.
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in a child's life and fathers are needed. When you lose a parent, when you lose a father figure, it sometimes is different for a lot of people because for your example, you grieve the future that you could have had with your dad, and I grieve the past, like everything that I did have with my dad. And I feel like a lot of people that are either estranged by their father.
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or they never had that opportunity, you know, their father left them at an early age, you know, not completely out of the scene yet, but then, you know, one day they're just gone. That's pretty traumatic. Can I ask you, what did you experience when, like the first day, like, that you heard the news, from your perspective? My brother's mom, because me and my brother, I have two brothers.
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We have the same dad, but different moms. I got a phone call from her, and she tells me that my dad passed away. At first I thought she was joking, and she was being serious. And then I hanged up, and then I remember entering the room, the living room. And I went up to my mom, and I broke down crying, and just told my mom that my dad died.
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They were the first they were a little confused because it because I started crying first and they they didn't understand what was happening And then me and my mom broke down crying together In my perspective My dad was like some of you know on the podcast been battling cancer for five years and I got a call That's that basically said, you know, he he threw up last night
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not doing very well. And then, you know, having a father that's been sick for so long, you're kind of used to those phone calls. So you're like, okay, well, like, you know, I'll be praying and stuff like that. But then, you know, my mom said something like, like he's really bad. And I'm just like, oh.
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Like should I fly home and then at first she's like no, no, no, it's fine Uh, you don't need to fly home And then I think it was the next day she she called me up and she's like I think you need to fly home And that's when like my heart just sank because i'm like I never needed to like go back for an emergency before because things just got so bad and So he had to go to the emergency room and he looked pretty bad and this is for all the people out there that have sick parents and
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Kind of parents that have cancer and or just dying of old age. You kind of know what I'm talking about, but they they look different. They they don't look themselves. They kind of have this what what what some people call it like it's it's like they have one foot in this world and one foot into the next world. And they just they're kind of disoriented. And what's heartbreaking is like you try to talk to them and they.
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Sort of know you're there, but they sort of kind of drift off again into like a sleep And that was just really heartbreaking for me because it's like the last time that I actually Talked to my dad Was like a random probably a random phone call that we were talking about like fixing up the jeep and like I just I just thought when the end came I could talk to him, but it was more like he was half there half not there and um They said the cancer had spread so
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vast in the system that he basically they were calling it no more chemo and he had about 10 days to two weeks left and I was kind of shocked because you know when he first received the diagnosis of cancer it was three years and he beat that by two years he was on his fifth year and I just thought oh okay well my dad's my dad's pretty tough like uh 10 days to two weeks he's probably gonna live another like couple months but to be honest you know um he had
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He only lasted five days later and the night that he went was very rough
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He had what they call a death gurgle. And a lot of people out there might know what I'm talking about. Some people might not know what I'm talking about, but a death gurgle is, it sounds like a, like when you pull the plug out of the tub and it's kind of draining down, it's like a gurgling sound, the water going down. Basically, the muscles in the back of the throat cannot swallow.
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So there's buildup of fluid in the back of the throat and it sounds like they're just gurgling water. And it's the most horrific sound you can think of. They're not technically drowning because they can still breathe, but they're gurgling and they're also moaning at the same time, which I mean if you have to listen to that all night long while you're trying to sleep and when you're also worried about them and you don't want what's inevitable is going to happen.
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It's a very traumatic thing. And I remember the next morning at 11, 14 a.m. My mom, I was out of the room. I was actually calling his friends, asking them like, hey, I think this is gonna be it. Like, would you wanna have a one last visit? And, you know, I was calling all his best friends. And at that moment.
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My sister ran into the living room and she said Josh Josh come here quick. And so I just I said I'm so sorry after I have to go now. So I hung up on the phone ran into his bedroom and Basically what what happened was my mom had asked him. Do you wanna do you want to let go now and my dad?
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Like looked at her and then he just nodded his head So it was kind of his acknowledgement that he like it's so weird but like they do have the power to let go if they wanted to like He tried he he tried so hard to stay with us and he tried for five years to like beat cancer But it just knocked him down and the last day He did let go and He was surrounded by
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the entire family and when I say the entire family, I mean his kids and his wife. So there's me and my two sisters and my mom. So all four of us were just surrounded his bed. And then I actually saw his last breath and he just he just stopped breathing and he closed his eyes and it was actually kind of peaceful. But man, I everything that I was holding inside of me, like for like five years, just like let loose and
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From what my sisters explained, I just sounded like a dying animal. I just cried, I fell on his chest, and I just could not stop crying. And my sisters were actually worried that I was going to hyperventilate because it was like this big release. It was like, oh my gosh, this thing that I did not believe was happening actually happened. And it not only happened when I was in California, thank God I wasn't because I think I would have been traumatized if something like that happened.
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away but like I got I actually got to witness my dad dying in front of my face and I For for some people out there that listening to this podcast. That's your situation For some other people you might actually be in another state and when your parent dies and you just get a phone call um, but you know from my perspective I was actually there You know when your parent kind of Has cancer or has a disease?
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or has kind of a timetable. It's kind of a, it's a curse. But I guess the silver lining and the blessing is that because you know the end is coming, you can kind of prepare for it. And that's, you know, that's what I was doing the last five years and I know I'm kind of going overboard on explaining things, but, and we're gonna talk more about that, just the differences in expectations, I guess.
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and what to do and how to feel. But that was my 24 hours. And then of course the nurse had to come back. By the way, I've heard a lot of people saying the same thing and I don't wanna be too hard on hospice nurses, but the hospice nurses weren't exactly the most helpful people. And like I said, this is advice that I've been.
11:26
told to by a lot of people. You're pretty much on your own. I mean, thank God if you have a great hospice nurse, but like when it comes to like the time of death, they're pretty much useless. I'm so sorry. But it was basically just me and my family having to deal with it. And my dad was there. He was lying on the bed and he was gone. And we were just holding his hand, waiting for the funeral car to get there.
11:54
And they had some unusual things. There's gonna be some unusual things that they ask you to do. We had to shave him and we had to wash him. And this is all the family has to do that. And we were a little bit like, oh, okay. So we did that.
12:12
We used his shaver for the last time and it was kind of like wow like we bought him the shaver for Father's Day It's like everything's like hitting really hard like all at once and like he always loved his hat So we put a hat on him so he didn't look like too bad but like it we knew it didn't matter because we had to go inside the bag anyways, but
12:31
Like, you're just not thinking, you're just doing things, and you're trying to make him look good. And yeah, they came, and the one thing they're gonna ask you, and you really have to think carefully about this, but they're gonna ask you, do you want to be present?
12:45
when they put him in the bag because they're going to try to talk you out of it. They're going to be like, this is very, like a lot of people can't handle it. And a lot of people just kind of like lose it at this point because it's really like, it's like the first burial, you know? But me and me and my mom were like, I'm pretty sure like witnessing my dad leaving into, into the next world was the most traumatic thing. I don't think him like going into a bag would be that, that big of deal. But
13:15
You know, it's okay if anyone out there can't handle that. You know, my sister couldn't. My youngest sister decided not to do it. The rest of us decided to watch. And so it's like a nice velvet bag that they kind of zip. And my mom started crying a lot at that point. And they just kind of wheeled him into the car and then he left. And that was the first day.
13:39
and then they notified us the next day we were gonna talk to the funeral people and there is a lot of decisions to be made. But they do give you at least 24 hours to kind of deal with the loss.
13:51
So I know I went on a super long tangent, but it's just because our stories are different. I feel Joel, when you're actually there, there's a lot to deal with at that day, especially when you're with the body and stuff like that. And it's very kind of emotional. But I do have to ask you, moving on from that, how did you feel like...
14:17
Week like after that day. How like how did you feel that week? Did you feel any of the steps of the grieving process? And what was it an order was it out of order? Like what was your thoughts? What were your feelings? Yeah, it was pretty much out of order Because I did acknowledge The loss right away and then I was just kind of like in a shock of like a daze And I was like that for a little for about a week until
14:47
plans were made to fly to Texas, because that's where my dad is from. And we were going to bury him next to his mom and my grandma, who I've never met. This is how I flew over there with my stepmother and her sister and my brother, my half brother. He drove in the truck with my uncles, my two uncles.
15:15
They had my dad's body and they drove his body over state lines because they were given permission to the funeral parlor over there in Texas so they can plan everything for the funeral. And that was like the first week. Try to help me remember the like the standard stages of grief. There's five stages of grief. Denial, anger.
15:43
bargaining depression and acceptance depression, okay Which is important because I feel like depression kind of weaves in and out a lot between all the emotions And I feel like out of out of all the stages that Is like the slipperiest one because it kind of creeps into every stage and it's it's I think one of the longest stages First out first I was in denial for like about a week and then
16:13
Started getting angry at my dad because because he used drugs He overdosed on cocaine It was hard because it could have been it could have been prevented He could have never used it and he could have got help. He could have asked for help It's even harder to deal with with this with his death because it could have been prevented It didn't have to happen But because of his free will
16:43
he made the choice and the choice ended up costing his own life. And that turned me away from drugs, alcohol, smoking, marijuana. So I stay away from all those types of things because I've seen how much grief, sorrow, division it causes, that it causes in families and friendships. And
17:12
All that stuff is really not worth it. We'll kind of get towards a little bit more of that towards the end, kind of like your advice to people who are dealing with parents who are on drugs, or they're just kind of spaced out and disconnected from their kids. And as those children, like how to deal with that. The stages of grief that I was experiencing, I didn't really have any denial because...
17:39
Like I said, I was kind of dealing with my dad having cancer for five years. So the denial actually happened right when I heard him like the news that he was sick. I didn't want to believe it because it's like my dad was the strongest person that I knew. He could hike 20 miles. He could kick my butt in a, in a, any kind of a hike or a race or anything like that. Um, he was still stronger than me. Like he could beat me in an arm wrestling competition.
18:06
He had a very strenuous job, very strong legs, and then all of a sudden, you're gonna tell me that he has bone cancer and that he broke one of his bones and that he's sort of bedridden from now on, that he can't really do the things that he did. The denial was very heavy at that point, but I like to explain to people that when you're dealing with a sick parent, like there's almost two deaths, right?
18:31
Like the first death happens when they become sick and their life just changes. They can no longer do or be the same person that they were. Um, they're always going to be your dad or they're always going to be your mom. Um, but they, you know, they can no longer just like go to Disneyland and like walk around like before. Um, you know, it was very hard, even though he really wanted to, my dad really wanted to road trip around America and see all the national parks and hike up mountains, but that was kind of like a dream.
19:01
couldn't be anymore and...
19:03
I feel like that's sort of like the first death, like you have to accept that, okay, like my, my parent is sick or my parent has cancer and he's terminal or he, she's terminal. And the, the second death is obviously when they actually die. And when that happens, I think all, most of your denial stage is going to happen when, when that first part happens. But with my dad, the first thing I felt was like the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the
19:33
Colors in the world, they look different. The birds, they just stopped chirping. Things didn't smell as sweet. It was like the world got darker for me. And it's never gonna be the same way again. There's gonna, like the Earth, planet Earth is never gonna have my dad walking around on it anymore.
19:55
And to me that was incredibly depressing. Like, the worst parts was waking up in the morning, the first kind of 10 minutes, me just opening up my eyes and me having to realize that this wasn't a dream, that my dad was gone, and I'd have to just...
20:14
Deal with the day without him being in it and I'm just like this is the worst This is absolutely the worst like I just want to go back to sleep Even if I can like just pretend that the world didn't just change for me because I couldn't face it Like I can't deal with this right now. I don't want to it's unfair And I think a lot of people that have had their parents die on them I think the one thing they feel like is it's so unfair. It's really it's really sex like
20:44
One of the things that's hard, besides having a parent die, is that the world keeps moving on and your world stops. Like your world crashes and no one is stopping with you. And the world keeps moving on like if nothing happened. And it's...
21:10
probably one of the hardest, at least for me, was what are the hardest things to grip with? And because, because you're looking around for comfort, for support, and if you can't find any it's, and you have to deal with it on your own, or you're stuck in your own head, or sometimes you don't even, you can't even articulate your grief. And, and the only way to express your grief is through tears, through,
21:40
through sobbing, through those moans. And there is a grief that no words can describe. It's a wailing that bellows deep within your soul where you, by hearing it, by hearing that sound, it causes, it affects you, it can cause you to tear up.
22:10
and cry. The grief is so intense and everyone grieves differently depending on the relationship of the one they lost. And one thing is just never let yourself stay silent. Don't stay silent about your grief. Be open about it. Allow yourself to cry. Allow yourself to feel anger. Allow yourself to feel because the more you suppress it the more the more intense the grief is going to become.
22:40
Just wondering from from like a week to a month you explained pretty well How did you how was your life like like the first six months after you learned that your dad passed? like what were you experiencing what were you learning about yourself and Did at any point did was were there any surprises like good or bad that happened that? You know, you just felt like extreme emotion one way or the other Um experiencing the new normal
23:09
I would say the positive thing about all this, the good. I wouldn't say positive because there is no negative or positive when it comes to grief, it's just grief. The good that did happen throughout this is, I got to meet my dad's family. They didn't know I existed until I showed up. And, but it was, it was nice getting to meet my uncles, my cousins, my aunts.
23:39
to see a family that I've never met before and getting to know them and hang out with them. At the, before the funeral, we had the viewing of the body and during that time, it was an open casket, so I was able to see my dad and he looked different. Even though they put all the makeup on him, it's still, he just didn't look the same.
24:07
I never cried so much in my life that...
24:13
I've...
24:16
I cried so much to the point where it took all my physical energy. I was completely tired and dehydrated. I wasn't able to walk. My legs were that weak from the grief. My family had to carry me outside because I told them I don't want to be in this room anymore.
24:44
And they carried me outside, gave me some water, had me lean against the wall. That was my time during the viewing of his body. I do have to agree with you. You know, when the funeral does come, it's, you can't really be, there's no way for you to like prepare you except for you to know that your loved one.
25:11
will probably not look anything like what they did in real life.
25:15
My dad didn't and I've been to many funerals. I've been to my grandpa and grandma's funeral. So I did expect that. But with someone that was literally like a part of your life almost every day, like you looked at their face almost every day, it's eerie to say the least. They do look gone. And for some people that might actually be like a final like acceptance, like, okay, this is not, this is just their body, right?
25:45
their spirit, their personality is no longer here. We believe, me and Joel do believe in a higher power and we believe in heaven and we believe in the hope in heaven, so we do believe that they are waiting for us up there, their spirits, their souls. And some people out there that are listening to this podcast might not have the same beliefs, but it still is the same that their...
26:11
their identity is like their personality is no longer here. And
26:17
Just like you, I cried a lot when I, you know, I held his hand and it was cold and it was stiff and you're just like, oh wow. And a little bit of the makeup comes off because you know, they do the whole body. And you know, when you have cancer, you have kind of cancer, like chemo scars everywhere. And you know, they tried their best to kind of put the makeup on the chemo scars, but like it sort of rubs off and you're like, oh my gosh, like this is so sad. This is like heartbreaking.
26:47
who fought so hard, you know, finally this is their final step. And you know, I remember these words I told my dad, like, you know, just looking down at his face and just holding his hand and just be like, you know, I guess that there's no more adventures for us, you know, that we can go on at least in this life, you know, I can't wait for him.
27:12
um to show me all the wonderful things up there you know just taking me on so many adventures but it is surreal and you do have to kind of prepare for that and you are going to cry a lot and like joelle said like if you do have any family members that can help you out during this time it's very good dealing with this alone i don't think i don't think you can deal with this alone no it's not
27:42
It's not linear. What I mean by that is that it doesn't go in one direction. It goes in too many directions. Some people may cry, some people may not cry. And it will start to question, why am I not crying? Am I a horrible person for not crying? It's just that the way we process emotions is very complex, whether they're painful or they're beautiful. It's part of being human.
28:11
we should never shy away from those emotions. By experiencing them and getting through, we learn how to cope with life and how to manage experience and next loss. And it also teaches us how to be there for others. Because when someone else that we care about is going through what we went through, we have a better understanding to be equipped to bring comfort and love to them. And if you do happen to have no one to turn to, I would just say...
28:40
It doesn't hurt to look to a higher power. Even like studies say that those who look to God, that they are able to have some hope, even though everything feels hopeless. Because I know like with me, like I've during that time of my life, I was struggling with my faith. And when I lost my dad, I was just like, I truly believed that I thought I was never gonna believe it and follow God again, but.
29:08
I still continue to still acknowledge his existence, but my relationship with him was on hold. It wasn't until I heard a message that gave me some hope that that message was, can God be my father? And that message brought such comfort and such assurance to me that it helped me to, it helped bring some hope to my life and.
29:35
to continue because my dad passed away in 2006. The crazy thing about that is if I didn't hear that message that God can be my father, I would not be here today because the next day I was planning to take my own life and it's all because my mom invited me to church. If I never attended that church service, I would have never have heard that God can be my father. Did you...
30:03
I feel like a lot of people when this happens, they kind of blame God. Like why did you orchestrate this? Did you feel that at all? In some sense I kind of did, but then I also realized my dad is his own person. He's human. He has his own faults and he made his own choices. God didn't force him to take the drugs. My dad did that. As much as I care and love my dad.
30:33
It was his decision to take the drugs.
30:38
And on that side note, even though my dad was diagnosed with cancer five years ago.
30:43
I never really blamed God for that as well. So that's interesting that you say that because you know, free will and stuff like that. But if a parent does happen to get sick or get cancer or you know, gets into a car accident, maybe a lot of people feel like, wow, that's not their choice. Like why did God choose for this to happen? And I asked God, I mean I asked my dad this all the time and he spent a lot of time trying
31:13
to blame God because he said there's always a reason for everything and it's hard to believe honestly it's really hard to believe that everything is so finitely just cut into puzzle pieces that they can all fit in the same like in a perfect spots but my dad said you know if cancer actually brought him closer to God
31:38
And I didn't really understand because my dad is a reverend. He was a missionary back in the day. Like how, like, how does this make any sense? Like, but I think there is a complacency towards getting old and you just kind of fall away a little bit from your faith. I'd say it's not so much getting old. It's more of the realization when you lose everything that you trust for security and you lose all that.
32:08
Like that saying says that when God, when you lose everything, God is all you have. It becomes enough. Yeah, no, that's a good point. And I mean, for, I know what a lot of people are thinking out there. You're scared that, oh my gosh, if my relationship with God is not 100%, he's going to strike me down with an illness or a disease. But that is not necessarily everyone's cross to bear.
32:36
Yeah, everyone has a different life, different circumstances, different trials. In church today they talked about like, say if you were following God, following Jesus, you lost what was precious to you. Would you still follow God? And then we're going through the story of the rich young ruler and he wasn't willing to sell his possessions because he trusted his security and what he had and it wasn't on God even though he did ask for
33:06
what can I do to be saved? And he left sad because he wasn't willing to part with it. When you come to really think about it, our parents don't belong to us, even though they are part of our life. And we don't own them. We don't own our children. We don't own our brothers and sisters. They're just people who we get to spend life with and they get to be a part of our lives.
33:34
Everyone belongs to God and when you look at it that way, it's I don't say it's less difficult, but it's it's just more You gain a perspective and understanding that even though it sucks not having them here It's I rather have things go the way they they are now than to try to control Make things worse after all these years Joelle has it gotten easier and
34:02
About what point do you think did it get like easy or easier because it's never easy every Every year like cuz my dad died on September 2nd So like every time like in a year comes around Whether whether I'm aware it's the second or not. I feel depressed and And I look at the date and my go. Okay, that's that's the reason why I'm filling down today
34:29
It's like my body, some consciously knows it's the day that he passed. I could say after my dad died, I fell into like a really bad depression, which led to suicidal thoughts, wanting to take my own life. And then like I mentioned earlier, like my mom brought me to church. And then I heard the message about God being my father. And that kind of changed everything around. Gave me some hope to continue to live. As time goes on, I don't want to say
34:57
that's saying time heals old wounds. I don't really believe that. And the reason why that is is that time does not heal all wounds is because you have people that are older than us who are still still wounded as if it happened yesterday. And it's because they haven't dealt with it.
35:21
I truly believe that if when we deal with our emotions, we allow ourselves to experience them and to learn how to cope with these emotions, it does get a little bit better. It becomes more manageable. It doesn't get easier, but it gets manageable because there are days that, because the grief is like the ocean. It comes in waves.
35:50
Some some days you're perfectly fine and then out of the blue It strikes you and you just start crying and you just sometimes it's like Quiet tears. Sometimes it's it's like literal sobbing And it's just like you can't can't really like Resist it. You just kind of let the grief Um go its course Yeah, that's that's crazy. Um, I just realized this um
36:19
My dad passed away on October 31st just two days before the anniversary of your dad and it's weird how it's so close Um, just curious when when did you have the funeral? Do you remember? um It was like about a week or two Okay after because if it was a week after uh, if it was like september 9th That'd be great. That'd be weird if if we're hard to both our tats are buried on the same day Um, because you and I have been friends for like 10 years. Um
36:47
But anyway, going back to that, like my dad died August 31st, and this is roughly six months later. And for me personally, around six months is when the time when I started to like come back into real life, if that makes any sense. I'm doing these podcasts again, I'm doing stuff on YouTube. You know, I feel like I can listen to songs now. It's just weird.
37:14
For the longest time I used to have that like...
37:18
You wake up in the morning and you just feel awful because you're like, my dad's not on the planet. Everything sucks. Everything's less funny, less colorful, less joyful. And then your family and your friends help you, and then just getting back into work kind of helps you a lot. But you do have, like Joel was saying, it comes in waves. I'll just be walking around the apartment and then a commercial will come back on, and I'll be like, oh my gosh, me and my dad.
37:45
Like made fun of that commercial like so many times and then you just you just find yourself in a ball crying And you're just like wow like like how many of these are am I gonna feel before I get to feel like a normal person again and For me, it's start starting to feel like after six months starting to feel a little better But I can't I just don't know how long it's gonna take person to be to be open
38:15
never really gets normal. Right. The sense, the sounds, they all trigger. Like you said, it is getting used to a new normal. Yeah, they trigger the memories. And to be open, like, when my dad died, I mean, I did have a moment where I cried with my mom, but I didn't have any friends during that time. My family, they were not emotionally supported people. And so I dealt with my grief.
38:45
alone. I didn't have someone, I didn't have a shoulder to cry on. I had to deal with it on my own. And it was really hard because I wanted that comfort and I wanted that love to comfort me. But it was nowhere to be found. And when you're grieving, it's kind of hard to ask for help or to ask that what you need because...
39:14
most of the time people are not willing to give what you need. And it's hard, it's a hard realization that some people are not willing to be there. Not because there's some people it's because they don't care. Some people is because they disqualify themselves into thinking like, how do I be there? How do, what do I say? Um, and my advice to that is just if you know how to love people, that's all you need.
39:42
That's all you need to be there for someone. If you know how to love, then you have all the tools that you need to be there for someone who's grieving. A big contribute to getting through the grief has been relying on God. My faith has strengthened me and the hope that I have that I will see my dad again because he believed in God as well. And that I'll have that hope too and see him again.
40:10
So for parents that necessarily didn't have a spiritual life or didn't believe in God, and then for those parents that have died, and what hope can we give the children, you know, because we have hope that we get to see them again in heaven, but what hope do they have? I would say the hope that we can give to someone who does not believe in God is just be present. Just love on them. Don't try to prostilize.
40:40
to convert them or anything like that, just be present. Just love on them. Whatever strengths that you had to begin with that you were their friend, just pour it on extra. If you're a good listener, be an extra good listener. If you're there to ease the tension and be the goofy guy, just keep doing that. Sometimes you just being present means a lot to people and you don't really necessarily have to be anything extra. So...
41:10
You know, there is a thing of doing too much to being almost annoying. And sometimes just being present, like you said, is the best thing to be. It's like they say, less is more. So to kind of end the podcast, it's been 2006 to now that you're still dealing with this and the anniversary is still roll around and you're still dealing with things and such.
41:39
And for me, it's been about six months and it's pretty, pretty fresh. It's starting to ease up a little bit, but I think my dad, and I think, this is true of all parents, I think. All parents want their kids to have a good life. And I think most parents don't want their kids just to be sad about them being gone all the time. Like that is the natural order of things. And I think all parents want their kids to have.
42:07
a better lives than they ever did. And so just, just think about that because. You know, if, if I had kids and I, you know, died, maybe too early, I wouldn't want them to be like.
42:22
Sad, I mean there I would want I would want to be loved and missed a little bit because it shows me that I did a good job That I I did a good job as a dad or a mom um, but I wouldn't want it to be like a habit, you know, and Just try to understand that from from your parents perspective how they would want you to live their life your lives after they're gone One thing is is I would recommend if you have trouble handling your grief
42:51
or you just have no, so you don't have the support you need. I recommend a grief support group. At first it's uncomfortable because you're surrounded by strangers and how it goes about is that you watch these videos and you have like a workbook and then they ask you questions in the video and you have to like ask these questions to yourself. You don't have to say them out loud, but like you just have to truthfully reflect and ask yourself.
43:21
those questions and it really does help in learning how to cope with the grief. I went through the group called Grief Share, I believe it's called. And you can find them if you look up online, you can find them anywhere. They're usually part of maybe some part of like a church or like a city. It really does help to go to that.
43:51
If you guys are suffering, please don't suffer in silence or don't suffer alone, because that's one of the worst things you can do. And honestly, your healing time is going to go down the toilet. It's going to take you a lot longer to move on with your life. And your loved ones definitely don't want that for you. They definitely want you to kind of live a life and live a life that's honoring to them and their memory.
44:19
And just kind of, you know, suffering in silence is definitely not what they want you to do. So please, there are resources out there that you can be a part of. And don't be ashamed if you have to take counseling or if you have if you end up taking medication, if it causes if the grief causes depression, because the main thing is that you get better and that you heal from.
44:48
from what you're going through and it's gonna be hard. But I believe in you and that you can make it, that you can get through this and that life is hard, but you don't have to do this alone. So definitely reach out. Yeah, well, Joel, me and you have been friends for almost 10 years now and we have a lot in common.
45:09
It's weird because now we have something else in common, maybe not so happy, but I do, I give you a call and I text you sometimes when I'm down and I ask you like, how long does it last? And you give your honest opinion. And I have other friends, a close friend that also lost his dad and I ask him like...
45:28
Certain questions and things like that. So it's like it really does help from like honestly from a personal perspective I really appreciate that you guys being there for me And I also thank you so much for being on the podcast And just telling people, you know what to expect and how to deal with things because I know people people are just confused and People don't have the resources sometimes to to figure out this it's so
45:58
personal and it hurts so bad, you know, and you know, sometimes I mean I have to I have to be honest sometimes I ask certain friends like and then they give me kind of like cook your fortune cookie kind of answers and I'm just like I don't know and I know they mean well but I I really rely on you and like friends who have actually lost their parents to actually like give me the truth and Sometimes the truth is hard to swallow
46:25
And I hope this podcast, you know, will help a lot of people out there. Um, that if you just type this in, uh, to any, you know, uh, Apple podcasts or Spotify or however you heard of this. Um, I hope we kind of made your day a little bit brighter and maybe a little bit more hopeful. And despite the loss, just know that you're loved and even if things don't feel like, don't feel okay, they will, they will eventually.
46:49
Yes, me and joelle love you specifically right now in and i'm proof of this my dad date my dad Passed away 18 years ago and i'm still Getting through Well, thank you guys for listening. Thank you joelle for being on the podcast If you guys have any questions or any concerns, please write it in the comments below. We'll try to get back to you If you have a question for joelle, i'll um, send it off to him and maybe you can answer it Uh, but yeah, uh in the meantime
47:18
Thank you so much for joining us. We will see you next time on the podcast. I think the next podcast I'm gonna talk with Erica about another kind of grief that we usually deal with in our lifetimes. It's kind of relational grief and dealing with a breakup and boyfriend and girlfriend kind of stuff and maybe even engagement breakups. And I know that's really hard as well. So we're just gonna kind of continue this on this bandwagon of grief. So thank you guys so much for joining us. This has been Yeah Whatever.
47:48
And we are signing off until next week. Thank you guys. Say something. Oh, bye. Bye guys. That was great Joel. You are a natural. Maybe you should start your own show.