How To Stop Dating Your Red Flag Collection, with Attachment Healing Specialist, Nima Rahmany: Episode 385

Red flags are easy to spot. What’s harder is admitting why we stay anyway, and what our nervous system is getting from the chaos. Robin Black sits down with Nima, an attachment healing specialist and trauma bond guide, to unpack the real engine behind stuck relationships: the unconscious payoff, the chase for “potential,” and the patterns we repeat when love feels familiar but unsafe.

We dig into elegant boundaries and why “never again” rules can quietly become a wall that attracts the exact dynamic you fear. Nima explains how somatic healing and nervous system regulation change everything, because boundaries are not about controlling someone else, they’re about the action we take when our needs aren’t met. We also talk identity work, attachment styles, and the moment you stop collecting techniques and start defining what “working” actually means: discernment, self-trust, emotional regulation, and the ability to walk away sooner.

The conversation goes deep on trauma bonds, love bombing, intermittent reinforcement, and the victim story that keeps people locked in blame. Nima shares personal lessons on rupture and repair, healing shame, and building a secure relationship that doesn’t require losing yourself. If you’ve ever said “Why do I keep attracting this?” you’ll leave with language, tools, and a clearer path forward.

Subscribe for more conversations on healing and relationships, share this with someone who’s stuck in the push-pull, and leave a review so more people can find the show. What pattern are you ready to break next?

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Transcript

Meet Nima And His Work

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Welcome back, listeners. I'm Robin Black, and this is It's All About Healing Podcast. Today we have a very special guest, Nima. He is a attachment healing specialist, relationship and trauma bond guide. And I am very excited to speak to him today because I know we are dealing with a lot of these issues now. So let's just get into it and tell us a little bit about yourself, Nima. First off, how are you?

SPEAKER_01 0:26

I'm doing really well. And a little bit about myself is that it makes my heart sing to teach others what I most needed to learn. And what I most needed to learn was in the realm of relational dynamics.

SPEAKER_00 0:38

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 0:39

Figuring that out. And start off as a chiropractor and then realized that most people were coming to see me with stress-related problems because of relational dynamics that were ruptured. And that carried down into their physical body and their health. And it's just bad news.

SPEAKER_00 0:59

Okay. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 1:00

So led me into wanting to help them deeper.

SPEAKER_00 1:04

Okay. And you're located in British Columbia, Canada, correct?

SPEAKER_01 1:08

Yes. I I yes, that's where I live. I live on Vancouver Island.

SPEAKER_00 1:13

Okay. Okay. So and that's where most of the majority of your practice is. Do you do anything online? Do you offer like online coaching or anything of that kind of thing?

SPEAKER_01 1:21

I don't, I actually don't do in-person. I only do online. So I'm no longer a chiropractor.

SPEAKER_00 1:27

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 1:28

My only work now is to help people heal at a nervous system level through somatic psychology, attachment theory. And what I do is I help people get clarity on should I stay or go.

Stay Or Go Clarity

SPEAKER_00 1:40

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 1:40

Whether it's with their careers, whether it's with a person, at what point do I draw the line. And by learning how to create elegant boundaries around who you are, the answer to should I stay or go basically prevents it, presents itself.

SPEAKER_00 1:55

Now, see, with that being said, there is that should I stay or should I go? That is huge for me because there's a lot, there's often a lot of times that we're all guilty of is we see the red flags, but we still continue to stay. Like we have that internal thought of maybe things will get better, maybe I can make things change. So how do you help people process that when they've noticed these red flags?

SPEAKER_01 2:20

That's so beautiful. What I do to help people process that is I point them to the fact that that's normal to name that. Oh my gosh, look at me. This isn't normally a red flag for someone who's healthy, but it just there's something about it that keeps me here. And let's see what the payoff is. Really acknowledge what you're getting out of staying, even though that there's red flags. What is it? I get a sense of belonging. I get this sense of like they're rescuing me from something. I don't feel safe on my own. I don't love myself. These are the questions I had to ask myself. Why was I staying? There were so many red flags in my relationship. She was a former, she was a former sex worker and now she became a madam, so she's still in sex work.

SPEAKER_00 3:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 3:07

She, you know, there's no, there really is no family connection. She's still doing it, so I was keeping everything a secret. I didn't want people to find out. That entire kind of energy of secrecy, yet scared to leave because I am afraid of the consequence. I'm afraid of what I would lose. I'm afraid of the shared fantasy. And so the red flags are clearly red flags, but what's stopping us is there's a truly an unconscious part of us that is trying to get complete. And so what helps us finally untangle is by stopping doing something very difficult, which is stopping looking at them and only focusing on our effort and energy on healing with the part of us that is using this relationship to get

Why Red Flags Still Feel Safe

SPEAKER_01 4:06

complete.

SPEAKER_00 4:07

Right. And so, with that being said, so sometimes I feel that when we get in these relationships with the the certain type of person, right, or people, it's like as though the energy that our vibration, right, that we're kind of radiating, they subconsciously feel that and they kind of feed off of that. And that's why we're constantly at a back and forth with I don't want to be in this type of relationship, but I keep attracting this type of relationship.

SPEAKER_01 4:37

Yes. Because on a conscious level, you don't want to be in this relationship. But the unconscious, which is that level, the younger parts of you are trying to get completion with something. So with my ex, it was like a replica of my mother. If you can look back at your situations, it was like maybe if I please this one, it would be completing this impossible journey of trying to please my mother or just regulate her or soothe her in some way.

SPEAKER_00 5:11

Right.

SPEAKER_01 5:11

And then I was replaying an uncle incomplete with my partner. And I didn't know that that was happening.

SPEAKER_00 5:18

And oftentimes I hear people say, you know, that our brokenness is kind of like the the behaviors that tend to be displayed. So for some of the women or men who are in relationships and want to constantly give out their resume of what they're not going to accept, right? It's like, oh, I'm not going to do this, you don't do this, you don't do that. You're essentially telling the person, okay, you're broken. Here it is. Here's all, here's me all on a platter, just right here. This is how to hurt me, right? This is how to use this against me. So what are some of the things that we can do to not do that?

SPEAKER_01 5:54

Great question. Wow. So when a person comes out with this resume, as you said, and is like, don't do this, this, this, this, this, this, this. What we're actually saying is I'm still carrying a lot of pain around that. And I don't, I'd like to let you in, but I don't want to open my heart because these are the things that have happened. And I never again do I want to experience this, but I want to have a relationship with you.

unknown 6:30

Right?

SPEAKER_01 6:31

I want to have a relationship with you, but this is what I want to protect myself from, is what we're saying, right? Yeah. Which is a very noble thing, but we can do when we don't realize that there's another option. And what is that other option? You ask the question, how do you help these people? What I would do is I would actually go to all of those things that I have on that list, and I would what what I like to call somatically integrate them. What does that mean? It means, for example, I'll do this again. I had a list. I was like, I'm never getting married again because after my divorce, I was like, by the way, I am never ever gonna get involved and then lose my have to lose my money to another woman. And so this is my list. And so every woman I came came with, I was I had this big wall up. So it was like boundary. This is when the boundary becomes a wall. Yes. So this is what I say, and so I would have this energy of combativeness, and sure enough, on my last relationship, the thing that I was afraid of is what I ended up attracting. A woman who was highly into litigation, using the story to gain publicity. So I literally attracted the very thing that I was afraid of is a woman like having to put me through financial pain again.

SPEAKER_00 8:05

Right.

SPEAKER_01 8:06

Right? And so what I realized was, oh my gosh, what I'm what I'm holding in, I'm putting out.

SPEAKER_00 8:14

Right.

SPEAKER_01 8:15

And what I'm putting out, I'm calling in.

SPEAKER_00 8:19

Right.

SPEAKER_01 8:20

And so I realized that my story about women had to change. If I was to have a different experience with women that I wanted, I wanted that secure, loving relationship. I had to stop seeing women as gold digging, you know what.

SPEAKER_00 8:38

Right.

SPEAKER_01 8:40

That was my story about women. So it was like, wait, is it possible that my story about women is why I'm drawing that in? Because not all women are like that. There are some that are like that, but not all women. Right. So as I started healing that list, my list, I got to a place, and this is gonna sound really weird, Robin, but I got to a place where I had the willingness of going through another divorce. Interesting. I got instead of never again, is like, look, I've become the type of person that I trust myself in a relationship now. I trust my judgment. And even if things go bad, I trust my ability to work through because I trust this person now, because I trust myself. So I found my sweetheart. And no prenup, no like fear of, oh my gosh, we're gonna lose. She's probably literally the most opposite to that other one, which master's degree, black belt in Taekwondo, and feels uncomfortable when I pay for her. Like I'm literally teaching her that it's safe to receive from a man because as she's healing through our relationship, she's feeling more and more trust in the masculine. I'm feeling more trust in the feminine, and it's just such a beautiful. So I so to answer your question, it was a long way of answering this, Robin. Is how do you change that? Is you gotta heal the wounding that has you staying in your victim story.

Boundaries Versus Walls

SPEAKER_00 10:26

Absolutely. I love that that is beautiful.

SPEAKER_01 10:28

And would say this to the manosphere guys, too. Same thing to those red pill manosphere guys. Bro, get out of your victim story, right?

SPEAKER_00 10:39

Absolutely. And you know, that's that's I think is hard for people to even recognize that they often tend to victimize themselves.

SPEAKER_01 10:47

It's like the victim shadows sneaky, Robin.

SPEAKER_00 10:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 10:51

Does not want to be seen. So here's what it sounds like. I don't see myself as a victim, but like, of course you don't. That's a blind spot.

SPEAKER_00 11:00

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 11:01

Like everybody feels like the other person's the victim and they can't see how they are the victim. And so it takes a real, highly attuned skill of relational dynamics. That's why I call it becoming triggerproof, because the trigger reveals the shadow, which is the blind spot that if I can, you know, integrate by meet by bringing into awareness, bringing into understanding, now I can have a relationship with another person and understand them. I can see the reflection, I can use the relationship as this kung fu spiritual practice of loving myself. And that's how I went from toxic trauma bond to an amazing uh relational dynamic. And so I'm married, beautiful son, and it's all because of I broke the cycle by becoming trigger-proof, mastering rupture and repair.

SPEAKER_00 11:57

Well, I love that you have that now. So congratulations. But for those of I mean, those people, I hate to say that, even myself included sometimes, even though I appealed quite a bit, but who are dealing with the victimizing themselves and maybe even possibly dealing with pride and ego to be able to let that guard down to be able to actually let the help in. How do they kind of release that?

SPEAKER_01 12:27

Well, Robin, there's no point in you asking me that because they're not listening to this podcast. Those types of people, those types of people are not looking for some sort of how do I solve this because the other person's the fucking problem.

SPEAKER_00 12:45

So why are you even wasting your breath asking because they're not listening to? Good point. You're asking.

SPEAKER_01 13:00

I was that person too, you know, where other people were the problem and everything. I couldn't see myself. Unless you hit a really painful rock bottom where you can't escape this, like you can't delegate this to somebody else. You realize that it's on you, like, oh my gosh, I might be the bad guy here.

SPEAKER_00 13:25

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 13:25

If you look at what's happening in the Middle East, what's happening is happening with the American government. It's like, wait a second. And the the the videos that are coming out from Iran with the Lego rap videos that are, check them out. They're hilarious. But it's like, listen, could you be open to the possibility that you're also like you're the bad guy in this? Like people don't people don't want to even slightly entertain that, but that's what this conversation deserves. It's like, okay, so here's how I'm the bad guy. And I'm gonna sit in the guilt and the shame of that.

SPEAKER_00 14:00

Yes, absolutely. And I had to do that because, okay, with me, my my personal story on that is I would always say constantly, I'm tired of being a placeholder, I'm tired of being the until girl, I'm tired of guys just being with me until something else better happened. And I kept saying, Why do I keep attracting this? But I wasn't looking at myself. It's that's the hardest part is taking accountability and looking here because I was doing that. And it was just like, oh, I'm just hanging out. There's nothing wrong with that.

SPEAKER_01 14:36

You that you train them how to treat you.

SPEAKER_00 14:40

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 14:41

People, people treat you, what's the word I'm looking for? We teach others how to treat us.

SPEAKER_00 14:48

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 14:49

People treat us based on the rules that we set for them.

SPEAKER_00 14:53

Yes. And that was that responsibility.

SPEAKER_01 14:56

No, because it's easier to be the victim, right? And so that, you know, it's like, how do you get those people? I I don't try to convince anyone. I don't have to do that anymore. People reach out to me and they're like, shit, I think, you know, I've done all this, like, I think that I might be the problem. I'm really embarrassed. I don't know if like, you know, like I'm sick and tired of my bullshit. I just want to, I want to figure this out. I want to change.

SPEAKER_00 15:22

Yeah.

Spotting The Victim Story

SPEAKER_00 15:23

And that's where, even like you stated earlier with boundaries, you know, that's that boundary turns into a wall. But also when you say, okay, I have these boundaries, but then your boundaries become a lot more flexible than what you started because now you're falling for potential. And that's where lines get crossed, also, is how do we not fall for potential?

SPEAKER_01 15:46

Yes. And it's really like boundaries, is not about what you're telling another person to do, it's about how you're the action that you're taking. How do we not fall for potential? Is this what it looks like, Robin, and this is challenging, is that I really would love a long-term relationship, and I only feel safe in getting sexual once I know that you're the type of person that I'd like to settle down with. So it's like an interview process before that happens.

unknown 16:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 16:22

Right? To become the woman that can do that is the one that gets chosen because you're choosing you.

SPEAKER_00 16:33

Yes, I love that because so many women say I'm liked, but never chosen. And it's like you have to choose yourself first.

SPEAKER_01 16:40

But people don't know that that that sounds like a theory, but in real life, it looks like I'm choosing not to give away energy unless there's a, you know, there's an equal investment. I'm I'm I want to learn if I don't have the skills. I'm gonna choose to learn how to create these elegant boundaries so that I'm not bleeding onto somebody just to be chosen and then abandoning myself.

SPEAKER_00 17:10

Right.

SPEAKER_01 17:12

Choosing you means choosing to learn how to boundary your energy so that you don't bleed it to somebody who isn't investing.

SPEAKER_00 17:23

Right, yes. That is perfect. Yes, people who aren't pouring into you, like there's just nothing coming back from the other party.

SPEAKER_01 17:34

You don't you don't engage your energy unless there is a reciprocity happening.

SPEAKER_00 17:40

Yes. I love that new. Oh my gosh, reciprocity.

SPEAKER_01 17:45

There's no fawning. There's like, this is who I am. But then here's the thing, Robin. This is all behavior. If you just focus on doing the behavior, that's not enough either. We have to go upstream and take on a new identity. An identity of a man or a woman who loves themselves, who wants genuine connection. So, in order for that to happen, you have to become the person that can take off the mask and get vulnerable and get real and be honest with your desire.

SPEAKER_00 18:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 18:16

And be and be certain about that, but be willing to walk away if they're not willing to meet you there. Right? You're not like trying to squeeze blood out of a stove. It's a person that can get their nervous system out of chase energy. And this is what becoming trigger-proof and becoming elegantly boundaried is all about.

SPEAKER_00 18:37

Well, out of the chase energy. Oh my goodness.

SPEAKER_01 18:43

And it all comes down to somatic nervous system healing. And so this what happens when you do, you get start to exude this level of safety and magnetism and and and respect because people will see that they can't because everyone's everyone's trying as we get to know one another, we're testing each other. Right. How far can I go? What if I drop an F-bomb with them? How are they reacting? If there's no pushback and they keep saying or showing up late and not, you know, and doing it again or canceling on you, and just keep doing it again, you keep allowing it, the message that you're sending is I don't li really respect

Love Bombing And Trauma Bonds

SPEAKER_01 19:23

myself.

SPEAKER_00 19:24

Right. Right. And I think that's it kind of coincides with the falling for potential. You just you keep staying there because you say it's gonna get better.

SPEAKER_01 19:35

Well, it's a dopamine. You're you're going based on a like a dangling carrot.

SPEAKER_00 19:40

Okay, absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 19:42

So here's the problem. When we are in a dangling carrot situation, we're chasing, we're in the chase after the potential, rather than being real with what's now, we become easy to manipulate.

SPEAKER_00 19:59

Absolutely. And that brings me to like narcissistic traits. You know, it's like they the love bombing, the, oh, I just want to get you to open up, right? Because where loyalty lies, that's where you open up to the truth, right? You're you're just I'm becoming so truthful with this person who's not being truthful with me. But now I've opened up, I'm giving them everything just for them to take it away. Now they're not giving me anything. So then that leaves me chasing, right? Because now I feel that despair. Now I want to chase after what was just given to me. And that's where I think people are falling, is they don't know that they've now they've run into this, to this wall of now I'm here again.

SPEAKER_01 20:41

That's right. And so what this reveals is the unconscious dance of this trauma bond. And so when at the first, when that the narcissistic person is sex bombing or love bombing, male women, women will do it with sex, men will do it with the love bombing. In that space, what's happening is that person who's bringing it on thick is chasing after something, but it's not you. It's validation.

SPEAKER_00 21:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 21:13

And as soon as they get it from you by your openness, by you fall, by you doing that, the next stage is to pull it away, withdraw it, so that they experience being chased.

SPEAKER_00 21:32

Oh, gotcha.

SPEAKER_01 21:34

Okay. So what ends up happening is I pull away, I'm whatever, and then I need you to be the mother that I didn't have. So a mother, I I can mistreat you, but a mother never leaves her child. And you I'm gonna prove it to you by by misusing you, by by withdrawing, by pulling the rug out, by insulting you. Right. Right. And all of a sudden, now this validation that you had from the love bombing gets pulled away, and now you're like a rat in a kind of like science experiment waiting for the next like little pellet because it's intermittent reinforcement. Right. And it's like you're fighting for it, you're chasing, which is familiar to you, Robin, because as a child, that's what you were doing.

SPEAKER_00 22:28

Right.

SPEAKER_01 22:29

So now you've unconsciously recreated this thing through no fault of your own, but there's the opportunity that there to break the cycle. And so the answer, it's not easy, and it takes time and practice is to become the person that doesn't get drunk off the love bombing anymore.

SPEAKER_00 22:48

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 22:49

And that's easier said than done. And that's what becoming trigger-proof. And elegant boundaries really is about.

SPEAKER_00 23:00

So, Nima, I have a very interesting question.

SPEAKER_01 23:04

So hold on, hold on, hold on. Give me a sec. Let me prepare.

SPEAKER_00 23:08

Okay. That was a big bold preface. What's happening in here? So when helping your your clients, how I guess each one is gonna be different, right? Because each person has their own energy and things of that nature. But oftentimes I see that people are getting stuck in the technique, right? You're guiding them, right, with different things, different avenues. You know, some of them watch YouTube videos, some of them maybe listening to you, different podcasts. Whatever. Yeah. But then they get stuck in that in that technique instead of actually focusing on healing themselves and realizing, okay, I can kind of make it my own. So what do you suggest for those who kind of get stuck on that and saying, hey, this is how you told me how to do this, and it's not working?

SPEAKER_01 24:01

Yeah. So what's the outcome that you'd love to have? That's the first question. Whenever I'm working with somebody, because people are like, I tried this, I tried that, it didn't work. And I just want to invite everybody to just go, all right. This is not like medic medication where you take this pill and then all of a sudden it works and it's pain-free. Everybody's looking for a medication. Okay. So if we can just put that aside and define to me what working actually means. Oh my goodness. That's the first step. All of a sudden you're like, huh? And notice how notice

Choose Yourself With Real Boundaries

SPEAKER_01 24:40

how confronted you are because if we don't have an aim of an outcome that we're working towards, then we don't know where to begin because we don't know what the work looks like. Most people do this work as a fantasy. Maybe this will be my pain reliever. No. This is this is like what there's pain involved in this process. What is it that you want? Do you want to be able to discern, become better at discerning if this person's okay or not? Do you want to learn how to just regulate your own emotions so you're not so triggered by other people? Do you want to heal the cause of your insecurity so that you know you can walk away sooner and communicate your feelings and needs and boundaries in a way and give them the opportunity to either step up or you're able to walk away? What are we working towards, Raman? Right. Oh. So to keep it clear, this is when I'm still when I'm working with someone. That's why I want to, when I people message me and I say, give me your backstory and tell me what you want to accomplish. And this in and of itself, they realize, holy shit, I've been doing like therapy for like 10 years. No, because you're not, you're just going there and just talking in circles. I don't give a crap. Like I care about your story, right? But I want to know what are we working towards? Who are you becoming? And so this is identity work. So it goes deeper.

SPEAKER_00 26:10

Now, for those, you say identity work. What about those who identify themselves with their quote unquote problem? You know, they say, Oh, well, I have a problem with this. I have a problem. Now you're identifying with that. So how do you lose that?

SPEAKER_01 26:23

Perfect. So let's say, let's give an example of I identify as anxiously attached. By the way, I think I've given a quiz that my in the show notes for anybody listening, the best place to begin is really looking at your leadership or your or your attachment style.

SPEAKER_00 26:41

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 26:41

So my team is, I make sure to provide that link so that you answer the questions and know what is your attachment style. Anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, disorganized. So when they identify as it, I'm very clear in saying it's important to identify as it for the sole purpose of seeing the pattern.

SPEAKER_02 27:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 27:02

So you can make sense of the pattern and know that no, it's not your fault. No, you're not broken. There are patterns that you adopted to survive and get your needs met in childhood.

SPEAKER_00 27:16

Right.

SPEAKER_01 27:17

Hallelujah that you did it. Congrats. And that's what's stopping you from going to the next level. So once we've acknowledged it, the next step, as you just pointed out, is we have to create an identity that no longer identifies as the anxious attachment. You identify as a secure person, and so we have the vision of it on the statue, like the statue of David. And then over a period of time, we start to chip away everything that's not secure.

Identity Work And Attachment Styles

SPEAKER_00 27:51

And now, Nemo, when you're working with your clients, how long do you typically work with them for?

SPEAKER_01 27:56

Oh my gosh. So I used to say, I have a six-month this, I have a one-year this. I used to do it that way. And then I realized that I wanted, I don't want a lot of clients in a program. I'm only talking to a few at a time. And what I do is I get on a call with them and I see what is it that you're looking for. And then it depends. If they've been following me for a while, I'll only start maybe like doing a four-week trial run because it's like we're dating before we jump into bed.

SPEAKER_00 28:30

Right.

SPEAKER_01 28:31

So I do my relationship with my clients the same way. I don't sign up to just everybody. So what I do is the first step is you attend the trigger proof experience. And after you've attended the trigger proof experience, we get on a call for my team and we find out what did you discover? Because it's an experience. When you come in and you're learning some tools that takes you from what the heck is going on to holy crap, I've figured out my pattern of how I co-created this through no fault of my own. What was my payoff in this? How was I involved in this? And it's very confronting. Like it's so confronting that some people aren't able to make it through the six hours. Oh my gosh. And they will run away or they'll get so triggered and because they are like, no, the other person is the problem. And to for them to see that they have a part in it is really offensive. That way I know they're not ready. That just is a perfect thing. And now I've created this little, this little consent form they sign before they come in that says, look, I'm ready to see what I've been missing, and I'm willing to be confronted if I see something I'm that's kind of shameful and gonna make me feel guilty. I'm ready to work through this and take ownership for my part.

SPEAKER_00 29:57

And that was called the trigger-proof what now?

SPEAKER_01 29:59

It's called the trigger-proof experience.

SPEAKER_00 30:01

Okay, and what does that consist of?

SPEAKER_01 30:03

And I do it one Saturday a month. And so the next one is on the 25th, and it's from noon to 6 p.m. Pacific time. And I take you through the my trigger-proof methodology where you're coming in with probably the biggest conflict of your life that's happening right now, that's taking up a lot of time and space in your heart, that's weighing you down, that's causing you to go into rumination over.

SPEAKER_00 30:31

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 30:32

You don't feel a sense of freedom on. You could be partnered or you could be single and you're still hung up over that person. Doesn't matter. Or it could be a coworker. It's any real unconscious relational dynamic that's creating friction. Then I take you through an exercise that literally separates your pain from their pain.

unknown 30:53

Wow.

SPEAKER_00 30:53

Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_01 30:55

Your body. So people who've been divorced or they haven't spoken to their father for 10 years or whatever, they do this exercise and then they're like, oh my gosh. And then they reach out, and then they are there able to have conversations with people. And so it's and it's no pressure to do it. It just untangles from the gross energy that you have that's weighing you down, that's causing you to not sleep very well, that's impacting all your other relationships because that conflict is pouring into everything and robbing you of your joy. And it basically helps you breathe through that. And so after that's done, I'm curious to talk to you. And I'm curious to see what happened. But until you've done that, I it's like that first event will tell you most of the qu answers to the questions that you have that's leading you here. Just be clear with what your intention is, share it, especially on the intake forms. And then I'm gonna weave in your experience if you're open and transparent with this somatic work because it's all about what you're bringing to the table.

SPEAKER_00 32:05

Well, so so essentially, Nima, this could also help trying to navigate through uncomfortable conversation as well.

SPEAKER_01 32:14

Hundred percent. In fact, I always tell people my my methodology is regulate, then integrate. So when you're triggered in conflict, first learn how to regulate, then integrate, which is bringing back home the parts of you that you just abandoned, and then communicate. Most people try to communicate without regulating and integrating. So we're in the victim story, expecting the other person, and that other person's nervous system feels that energy and they go into defense. So there's no resolving it from that space. So the process that I have that I'm living on a day-to-day basis, I have Persian parents. So it's something that I have to do consistently in order to clean my side of the street up to then renegotiate a new relationship with new boundaries. And it's constantly evolving as my son grows up and there's ruptures. And so it's really navigating the world of rupture and repair. And I needed it because I'm my family's Persian.

SPEAKER_00 33:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 33:19

And my wife, and they're a little kind of crazy and they're reactive. And my wife, my wife's nervous system hasn't had that normalized. Yeah. So navigating this, and she's like uncomfortable, and I'm having to help regulate her after hanging out with them. I'm realizing, holy crap, like my system has had to put up some massive like fight. This is where I get my fight energy from.

SPEAKER_00 33:48

Right. That makes that makes a lot of sense. Just even different backgrounds. I never thought about that.

SPEAKER_01 33:53

Oh my gosh. So I just don't get how a relationship could possibly work if they're especially if you have like in-laws and all of this together, if you're not learning the art of elegant boundaries, it just can't work.

SPEAKER_00 34:07

Like that. Just the sound of that was that was really neat.

Trigger Proof Experience And Regulation

SPEAKER_00 34:10

And so how long? So I know you stated that you kind of went through a horrible relationship. How long, how long ago was that? And how long did it take for you to kind of be in your singleness?

SPEAKER_01 34:20

It was a four-year relationship and it blew up in March 11th, March 11th, 2018. During an argument, things just it just we just escalated. We were both abusive to one another. It escalated, and then she did to me what my mother used to do. And I then I went into dissociative rage. Have you ever been in a relationship with somebody and all of a sudden they acted out and you were that kid again and you were dealing with your dad or somebody? Has that ever happened?

SPEAKER_00 34:50

Yes, absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 34:52

So that's what happened, and I went into dissociative rage.

SPEAKER_00 34:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 34:55

And I slapped her.

SPEAKER_00 34:57

Oh no.

SPEAKER_01 34:58

And I was like, and in that moment, everything turned because she then went on the offensive and was like, hmm.

unknown 35:08

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 35:09

If I file a police report, then he could be done. Or maybe I can see if I can negotiate something with him. So I went through that for like a year in 2018 after it happened. And I was like, how do I leave this and not have my reputation destroyed? Because I was like, whatever. And so what do you need? And she's like, I need money. Like she just basically listed all of her demands, and I was like, oh my God. So I didn't have any inner strength to say no. I thought I was gonna be finished, no one was gonna hire me again. So I started paying her until I ran out of money.

SPEAKER_00 35:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 35:50

And then I was like, this doesn't feel right. And so I slowly started to pull my energy away, and then went no contact. She went no contact. And I was like, oh, this is amazing. So I met my wife Diana. We in 2020, no, in 2019. We got pregnant in in March of 2020. Got married, got married in April, almost, oh wow. And about next week is our six-year anniversary.

SPEAKER_00 36:20

Nice.

SPEAKER_01 36:20

And then in November of that, of September of that year, my son was born. So then a week later, I was arrested. Oh my goodness. So why I'm talking about trying to leave trauma bonds, it's the experience of if you leave, I'm gonna make you pay. And so my son is now at the recording of this five. And as I'm going through the process, we're happily married. Relationship is amazing. My son's in kindergarten, great relationship. And I am in the process still of kind of untangling from the trauma bond. So my mess is my message, and I teach what I most need to learn.

SPEAKER_00 37:03

I love that. I I really, really like that. Man, so it still kind of keeps its little head over that hill a little bit, even in process. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 37:15

Yeah. And it's like, it's like I had a choice. Like when it happened with Johnny Depp, he just went into hiding.

SPEAKER_00 37:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 37:23

Right? You haven't heard from Johnny Depp in like years until he finally, you know, went to court. I was like, I I took the opposite approach and I just faced it head on. And I just spoke about it and I write about it and I talk about it and I teach about it.

SPEAKER_00 37:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 37:38

People who are ready to face themselves and take responsibility.

SPEAKER_00 37:41

Yeah. And that that's hard. Just like you were, you know, speaking about disassociating, like trying to disassociate with reality, with wanting to deal with this and then having that avoidant behavior. It's it's a lot to try to work through. It really is.

SPEAKER_01 37:56

And we don't, I mean, I wasn't given the tools to work through something like that. And so I had to go through and heal what this was really about, which was a repetition compulsion of my childhood with my mother.

SPEAKER_00 38:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 38:11

So as I went deeper and I healed with those aspects, I could now be in a really secure relationship. So I'm no longer enesh with my mother, even though there's still conflict that can happen. I have boundaries around it and I'm not in people-pleasing mode. And I have good, healthy boundaries around that energy.

Nima’s Trauma Bond Turning Point

SPEAKER_00 38:34

And then with, I know we're kind of coming up, and I'm going to wrap it up, but in that sense, I know sometimes, Nima, that healing is far from linear. So how do we kind of balance that when we're kind of like being able to notice, hey, I'm this is starting to kind of creep back up again. You know, what what suggestions do you have for that?

SPEAKER_01 38:57

So it's really a self-awareness of capacity that healing is not linear, it's an ongoing thing. So you're aware of your capacity. And, you know, healing is repairing with ourselves. Healing means to make whole. So healing is am I still carrying any guilt? Am I still carrying any shame? Am I still carrying resentment? And so to notice when these emotions come up and to be able to, what I like, I mean, there's no way to, I teach this in my process of is to integrate them as they come up, not to stuff them down, not to just be in the story, but that happy medium of moving that energy through the body to get it to a state of completion. And that takes practice and time. And it's helpful to have it in community and there's an at-home process and it's a spiritual practice. And so that plus the willingness to keep working with whatever gets triggered as we go. Because I don't, we don't know that we're ever done. It's no such thing as being done because we're we just have to have the willingness to work with whatever arises in the moment. Absolutely. I love that. Oh my God, I thought I was done, my healing. No, you're never done. No, you're never done. How do you know? You're willing to work with whatever's arising in the moment and return back home rather than expecting an easy life that nobody triggers you.

SPEAKER_00 40:26

Yes. I love that. But needing to live with five cats. Yeah, the willingness, that is huge. And what is the name of your program?

SPEAKER_01 40:36

It's called co-regulated and magnetic.

SPEAKER_00 40:41

Ooh.

SPEAKER_01 40:41

So you're basically learning the skill of being a magnetic co-regulator with someone where your presence and your presence with one another bring safety rather than co-disregulating or codependent, which is I need you for safety. Therefore, when you're not okay, I'm not okay, and we have a co-disregulating relationship or codependent, which is I need you for safety, is shifting that to co-regulated, which is you, we are here to remind each other of our own inherent capacity for our safety.

SPEAKER_00 41:24

That's profound. That's that's huge. Like that, yeah, there's because codependency is definitely rather large, and a lot of people don't even realize that they're codependent.

SPEAKER_01 41:35

Yeah, it's if this relationship is swallowing you whole, you might be codependent. If you've lost yourself, if you're like, who's Robin in this? Where did Robin go? She was a very radiant person at some point, and she's gone. Her she is gone, and it it gets amplified when you're with this person. You might be codependent.

Healing Is Nonlinear And Forgiveness

SPEAKER_01 42:05

You might be codependent. I'm not I'm not judging because I was one too. I ain't saying you wrong or bad. Yeah, I'm saying I see you. And it doesn't have to be that way.

SPEAKER_00 42:20

I get it. Thank you so much. And again, everything is gonna be listed in the show notes. But if there was just one piece of advice that you had to give the listeners, what would it be?

SPEAKER_01 42:32

I would give it to my 18-year-old self is when you develop the skill of self-worth, self-regulation, self-trust, self-love as a skill. Go all in and invest in that, and everything in your life falls, opens up on the other side of you taking that plunge to do that all in. Let that be the first skill that you learn.

SPEAKER_00 43:03

Well, thank you so much, Nima. And before we go, did you have anything else to add?

SPEAKER_01 43:08

No, I'm just grateful. The the thing that I like to leave people with is the journey that I'm going through with all of my resentments that I've been carrying is this spiritual practice of getting to a place where you can see God and everything. Instead of I forgive you, you can shift it to thank you for giving me that experience.

SPEAKER_00 43:31

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 43:32

So it's the and the highest form of forgiveness is the authentic recognition that everything served you and that there is nothing to forgive.

SPEAKER_00 43:40

I absolutely love that. That is the most, oh my gosh, I loved hearing that. That's that's very hard for people to understand for me.

SPEAKER_01 43:49

Well, it's a journey, and that's it's it's a practice, and it's a practice worth prioritizing because on it without that, we are constantly carrying heavy burden. Burdens through life and life is not the expression of this precious time that we have is not meaningful, not fruitful because we're carrying so much. So that this is the lightning of it. So it takes lightening of that load and burden, but it takes, it takes effort to get there at first. Yes. Because as you said, it's hard and it's very unusual because we're really committed to our victim stories.

SPEAKER_00 44:25

Absolutely. But I love that. And it and it's also about alignment. And I know when you're out of alignment, it's uncomfortable, but also trying to be in alignment is uncomfortable as well because you've never felt it before. So getting used to a new reality takes so much work and strength to be able to handle that new reality.

SPEAKER_01 44:46

And that's why we need to do it around a group of people who are doing it as well, so that they can remind you of the commitment of who you're becoming.

SPEAKER_00 44:55

I love that. Thank you so much, Nima. This has been such a pleasure having you on today.

SPEAKER_01 45:01

You've just been like, you're just radiant. So appreciate that.

SPEAKER_00 45:05

Thank you so much. No problem at all. And again, thank you, listeners. I'm Robin Black. We had a lovely Nima today, and this is it's All About Healing Podcast. Everyone, stay blessed.