Let's Keep Talking with Braxton Gilbert
Talking with you about how life is healing & growing me!
Let's Keep Talking with Braxton Gilbert
Stop lugging around a rehearsed personality 🥸
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Struggling with the facade of emotional performance, I found myself yearning to break free from the shackles of others' expectations. It's a journey I share openly in this episode, as Heidi Priebe's guidance on emotional intelligence illuminates a path to living unrehearsed and embracing the full spectrum of our emotions. We delve into the exhaustion that comes from constantly adapting and the transformative power of authenticity in shaping a more genuine and fulfilling existence. Join me as we confront the battle against shame and explore the courage it takes to show up as ourselves, unfiltered and real, through the good days and the bad.
The agony of disconnection is a silent epidemic in our hyper-connected world, and it's one we address on this show with insights from Dr. Chris Donoghue and Thomas Moore. Together, we examine the importance of honoring our eccentricities and the soul's unique essence, critiquing the role capitalism and social media play in our pursuit of authenticity. As we move through the conversation, I invite you to consider how authentic connections—those that align our external expressions with our inner feelings—can reignite the joy of being known and liked for who we truly are. Listen in for a heartfelt exploration of how to forge deeper connections by being true to ourselves and others.
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Understanding Authenticity and Overcoming Shame
Speaker 1Mike check . I wanted to do an episode today , a solo episode , about authenticity . Authenticity has been something that recently I've been chewing on a lot . For me , this has been in the form of realizing that I decide my character that I'm going to perform before I get there . I engage what someone would like me to be and respond with what they would like or not like , and I do my best to change my behavior when I'm around people in order to elicit responses of favor from them . It's little things like . Wouldn't it be weird if I'd said that ? Or what if they ask me a question and my answer doesn't align with how I would think they would like me to see things ? The word respond , as opposed to the word react , really feels tied to the idea of authenticity .
Speaker 1I've been doing a lot of watching of Heidi Preab on YouTube , a wonderful teacher of emotional intelligence H-E-I-D-I-P-R-I-E-D-O-E-B-E , I believe , if you want to search it . One of the things she talked about that I resonated with so much was how someone who is emotionally avoidant which I am , which I had been not as much anymore , and I'm definitely working through the process Someone who tends to be emotionally avoidant gets exhausted and needs a break from the performance because they aren't allowing their emotions to surface spontaneously as the moment happens , because either most likely they don't assign a lot of value to them , so they don't allow them to surface and that's become a habit , so much that they don't even really notice that they disregard the emotional information they're receiving in any given moment . Instead , they just know that they need time to get away , to kind of recharge and show back up as them , like Braxton . Showing back up as Braxton for so long I've always felt that , like me , showing up was a performance to a large degree and I had to be ready for it . I had to be in the mood to be Braxton and the whole time I was me . I was me the whole time . I was the one pretending to be Braxton , not the character I was playing .
Speaker 1I don't wanna get too Buddhist with this or too far off into the weird zone , but one thing that Heidi Preve talked about in a video that I watched of hers is that it doesn't really ever come across the mind of someone who's emotionally avoidant that they could just show up without any kind of rehearsal or performance , that they could just show up and that my friends and family has been . That's the coolest thing . That's so cool . You can just be here and interact with people and if the jokes aren't funny , you don't have to laugh , and if you think that someone said is awkward or weird , you can just be awkward and weird in response . If you're excited to see someone , you can be excited , and if you're not interested in a moment or a conversation or an activity , you can disengage .
Speaker 1There's , like these rules that have governed my behavior and a lot of it , I presume , and this isn't just a deep dive into Braxton's mind and personality . I think these are gems that we can all apply to our life , but it's , you know , in the form of a deep dive into Braxton's personality . So welcome to it . I think that those things are deep programming that we've picked up subconsciously of how we're supposed to show up in every moment . You're supposed to be the happy one , you're supposed to be the funny one , you're supposed to be the serious one , you're supposed to be the resourceful one . We know how people expect us to show up and sometimes we don't feel like we're capable of showing up how people expect us to . And I'm learning , man , that that's okay . I'm learning that is okay . That's so different . It's a level of authenticity that I haven't understood before . What comes to mind is letting people see you on your bad days , but the reason that there's question and hesitation in my tone is because it's not a it's you . It's you on bad days , it's you on good days . You're this changing display of personality and that's okay . Responding versus reacting is also a thing that I've started to practice a lot , and it's so wild to me the way that this whole conversation , the way that this thought process , this energy , settles me , settles me , really settles me here .
Speaker 1When interacting with people , instead of thinking , how do I need to be right now so that I can be perceived in the way that I would like to be perceived ? And some of that looks like pretending and some of that looks like disregarding , pretending being responding in ways that aren't authentic . That's so funny . You're hilarious when they're not . Or acting like something's a big or a little deal when you don't feel like it is . And then the other one is disregarding when I feel my emotions , when you feel your emotions come up , disregarding those in real time . It's not doing that . It's choosing not to disregard those .
Speaker 1Being here and responding , being present is sometimes not pretending like things are what they're not , and it also is keeping a tether inside to how you're responding to this moment , how what's happening right now is generating a response inside of you . I'm just learning so much that that information you receive with your emotions , that information that I receive with my emotions , is meant to inform the moment , not something to be packed away and opened up later . What keeps us from being authentic in the moment ? Well , I think there's a lot of things , but for me , what I'm learning is that there is a spectrum of emotion , from elated to just pissed , angry , rage , and there's a multitude of different nuances in the different types of emotions that can come up inside of you during any given moment and the way that what happens in front of you , what happens in reality , how it makes you feel . There's so many different ways that you can feel in response to what's going on in this moment . And what stops us from being authentic ? I think we have rules around what we're allowed to feel and what we're not allowed to feel . I know we have rules around what we're allowed to feel and what we're not allowed to feel .
Speaker 1For me , it's shame . Shame is the police of my emotions spontaneously arriving in any given moment . And what's really challenging , my friend , is when you feel shame , instead of just responding to the shame , relaxing your heart enough , breathing enough , grounding yourself enough . My feet are on the floor , I can feel my hands , I'm breathing , I'm listening , I'm looking , I'm here , I'm present , I'm breathing . I know I'm feeling this need to clam up and to hide , to get out of here so that no one can see me , but instead of responding to that at face value , waiting and waiting and waiting , until the emotion that's being shamed shows up Again .
Speaker 1Heidi Pribis taught me so much recently in this department Don't trust the shame . Make room for the shame . The shame is this power thing that's meant to . You know , shame , the way Heidi explains it is , it's something that is meant to be used against antisocial behavior . Shame is a helpful feeling that allows us to know that what we're doing right now is not pro-social . But it's overused , and it's used on things that shouldn't be shamed . It's used in the programming that , when we grow up , we learn that being joyful or being angry , or having your own self-interest in mind too , or feeling attraction or sexual attraction those things on the spectrum of human emotion there are things that aren't allowed . There are things that are oh my God , how dare you ? And ugh and mm-mm . There's ways that you shouldn't be . And so we learn that via the programming that our family , our culture and media gives us all throughout our lives , especially in our younger years . And then we have this filter of sorts of how we ought to be .
Speaker 1And when things rise up inside of us because emotions , reactions , are always rising up inside of you in response to what's happening it's likely that if there's an emotion or a feeling that's arising that wasn't welcomed or encouraged in your house or your social circle or your culture growing up , that there's shame layered on top . And when that emotion rises up , instead of feeling that emotion , hmm , I'm feeling a little angry right now . Hmm , I'm feeling attraction right now , hmm , I'm feeling that I should assert my own self-interest here , instead of feeling that we feel the shame that is laid on top of it and that shame keeps us from meeting others authentically in the moment , because I'm not allowing myself to experience a certain emotion . And let me tell you , I'm telling you my friend , it is some long fishing , it is a long hunt , it is a long wait for the next train . When you're sitting in that shame , when you feel the shame come up inside of you and in my head , there's an option to either follow it and go yes , I need to hide , I need to hide my face , I need to stop and instead go there . There , we're noticing , we're here , we're noticing , we're breathing , we notice there's some shame here . I bet you it's really likely that you're feeling the shame that's layered on top of something that's really , really normal , that you have just learned to shame . So many molds that we're put through in our culture and our religious upbringing and our family that says this is how you ought to be and this isn't how you ought to be , and we can create shame filters that keep certain things from spontaneously arising inside of us .
Speaker 1It's been challenging over the last few weeks to practice authenticity , but my gateway to that was the idea that what if I just showed up with how I feel today ? What if I just showed up with how I feel today to those around me ? And I responded excuse me , I responded in a way that was aligned with how I was feeling today . That feels authentic . And then it was like , oh man , if I really tune into what I'm feeling , sometimes there's this rush in , sometimes it feels like there's certain feelings that I don't have access to desire aggression , maybe , for some it's joy , creativity . There's certain parts of the spectrum of human emotion that are normal I wish I could name them off right now but like happiness or frustration or disgust , or attraction or need , and weakness , or confidence and competence . I'd say there's probably five-ish , six-ish basic human emotions , and it seems like there's one or two of these and I'm not able to really feel . It feels instead that I feel embarrassed about them or stupid for feeling them , and that keeps you from showing up authentically .
Speaker 1I hope that thinking about this can encourage you to reach the same place that I'm starting to peek my head into , which is this being present with the moment and also being present with what's going on inside of you as a result of what's happening , and holding onto those two realities at the same time and acting as a calm mediator , a there-there between the two , so that you can experience other people and life as it unfolds and can experience the way you're responding inside to what you're seeing unfold , that you can clear out that channel that tries to filter things based on preconceived ideas and hand me down notions , so that you can authentically show up and then the mega grand slam , orgasm . Final ending , happy ending for this whole conversation not only is to see reality outside and internally very clearly and to be present with it , because , hot damn , what a beautiful thing to do to be alive and be present with this moment inside and outside . But then you get the drumroll , please . Wonderful , now you are available to have the wonderful opportunity to connect with another person . To experience connection maybe requires authenticity , and it's interesting that I choose that word instead of vulnerability .
Speaker 1Little tack note there . Connection requires authenticity because you can't connect . You can't connect with a false self , you can't connect with the persona that I play . That's something that my girlfriend taught me that you know after knowing you for these years . For the first couple of years it felt like I'd never got any closer . I felt like I just saw the same version of you that you show everyone else and I didn't even know what to say . It's like , damn , that's all there is to me , right ? I mean , I'm Braxton . Sometimes I get really tired of being Braxton and so I have to kind of go away and soothe myself or cope with , with different habits and then show back up as me , ready to perform again . But that's me right , I'm the performance Like that's just who I am right , turned out not to be turned out to be a lot more grounded and a lot more open and a lot more rich than that . You can't experience connection with something someone's pretending to be and you can't experience someone connecting with you If who you're letting them see is someone you're pretending to be .
The Importance of Authentic Connection
Speaker 1And maybe one of the deepest pains in our life as humans now is the lack of connecting to other people . And maybe , in the wonderful words of Dr Chris Donoghue , maybe it's because we're too focused on impression management and focusing on being liked instead of being known . Authenticity , react , respond , liked and known , liked and known . I want to be liked , I want to be known , I want to be known , I want to like myself , I want to know myself . I can feel that Something that Thomas Moore said in our episode that we had together was we should all be eccentric .
Speaker 1And I said what does that mean , thomas ? I don't know what that means . I don't know what does that mean . I said we all you know , we shouldn't really fit into any box , into any category . We really shouldn't fit into any particular category . We should be very unique and that uniqueness doesn't arise out of desire to be different , but instead settling into your soul . That is , by default , unique . It's unique If you want to be different . Just be yourself . Just be yourself . The concept of connection is something that really came up for me , too , when I was reading a book by Dr Christonigue called Rebel Love , and it was all about how much we need to be touched . We need to feel loved , touched , held . We need that . We're warm-blooded mammals . That's how we do it , man . That's how we do it . Skin to skin Connection .
Speaker 1I think about a recent stat that I heard that one out of every three Americans don't feel like they have someone to talk to about important things , really important stuff . Now , I don't know exactly if that quote is 100% accurate or if it's just some hodgepodge , but damn , I could see it . I could see it . I could see how our lives that we have are built not for the thriving of the human soul , connection to one another . I could see it . I could see how our culture is built on power .
Speaker 1Capitalism being a major , I think , is probably the best way to do it . It's the . It seems to be the best way to allocate resources in order to distribute them , but it always ends , in the end , 1% of the people having 99% of the wealth and you have starving people and People experiencing homelessness in a world where you also have people who have more money than they ever could spend . I Could see how that structure , I Could see how the way of which you have to Mutate to become successful in that structure Might be detrimental to the human soul . And I definitely can see how , in the age of social media , Priority is put above connection , the priority being on Impression . Nothing that's anything new .
Speaker 1I'm sure this is the same cycle of sorts has happened , for I don't know , since we learned how to say hello . Oh man , it's hard to be authentic , it's hard to show up authentically in the moment . But I want to encourage you , as a fellow traveler on this path , to try it . To try it . I Want to be known , I Want to be known , I Want to know myself and I want to experience the beautiful . I Want to have the beautiful experience of somebody Seeing me .
Speaker 1In order to do that , I have to evaluate the filters that stand between the me inside , which many people have lost their connection with . I know that I have and had they keep the me inside , from the me on my face . How wide is the gap ? That's what I'll close it up with . How wide is the gap between what's going on in your heart and what's going on on your face ? How wide is the gap between how you feel about this moment and how you're expressing to others that you feel ? How wide is that gap ? And you may not even know how you feel . How far are you from knowing Actually how you feel ? That seems
Achieving Genuine Connection and Authenticity
Speaker 1to be .
Speaker 1Step one of understanding how far the gap is is to know how do I feel about this , so that then I can determine how different different it is from the way that I'm demonstrating my feelings , changing your personality , mutating yourself , adjusting your behavior so that others will like you , will gain you status and will gain you fans and Gain you people that like you . But it won't get , it won't grant you connection . And if that's what we're wired for , if that's what our nervous systems are meant for connecting , then I'd say that's worth that 26 minutes of me talking on a mic about what's been on my heart and coming up for me in my life recently . Thanks for hanging out with me . Thank you so much for listening , thanks for watching . I Hope you have a great day . Catch you next time .