Let's Keep Talking with Braxton Gilbert
Talking with you about how life is healing & growing me!
Let's Keep Talking with Braxton Gilbert
Khalil Rafati on beating Crack & Heroin Addiction
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From a crack & heroin fueled madness to spiritual well-being and entrepreneurial success.. Khalil's story is insane and I was so excited to get to hand with him for this episode!
AI summary:
Imagine hitting rock bottom, lost in the grip of addiction, only to rise again with a story so compelling it could fill volumes. Our guest, Khalil Rafati, has lived this extraordinary arc. From the despair of Skid Row to the heights of entrepreneurial success and personal revival, Khalil's candid retelling of his journey in "I Forgot to Die" and "Remembering to Live" offers a raw, unvarnished look at the power of transformation. This episode will take you through the darkness of substance abuse and the exhilarating light of redemption, showcasing that true change is more than just possible—it's within reach for anyone.
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Watch this episode and many more on my Youtube channel! 👀
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From Skid Row to Transformation
Speaker 1Yo , what's up ? This episode is with Khalil Rafadi , author of the book I Forgot to Die and author of the book Remembering to Live . This guy spent years living on Skid Row , addicted to shooting up speedballs every half hour . That's heroin and cocaine in a spoon into a syringe , into your arm . This guy has chased the dragon of darkness . He calls heroin the Lord of Darkness . That destroyed his soul . He has an incredibly dark and challenging story from the time he was born , practically living in a confusing , chaotic shit show of a starting period of life . Getting hooked on substances is a means of trying to find some relief and then taking the thing straight down into hell . For decades he turns his life around . He's opened up rehab facilities on the west coast and also owns Sun Life Organics , a Whole Foods , healthy , plant based , organic , gmo free , salt free , no pepper I mean it's everything . It's the healthiest you can ever get Smoothie store . And this conversation is awesome .
Speaker 1Thanks for hopping on to let's Keep Talking . Thanks for listening . If you haven't before , please rate the show . If you're watching on YouTube , make sure you're subscribed . That's happening today's episode . Before we get into the Khalil that people see and meet today , I want to talk about the past man . I want to get into the past . Brother , are you down to hop into some of that today ?
Speaker 2Yeah , why not ?
Speaker 1All right , cool Dude . So look , I got to tell you something really cool . I've read this book . I forgot to die .
Speaker 1I've read it probably maybe eight times in my life . Let's see , about eight years ago I think , maybe six or eight , I was in San Diego , somewhere in California , on a business trip , and I went into this smoothie bar to get a smoothie on my way out of town . And as I'm just waiting for a smoothie , I look on the shelf and I see this picture and I just kind of look at it . I'm just kind of flipping through and I said what's this ? To the guy behind the counter and he said , oh , that's the owner . And I was like this guy's the owner , yeah . And he said yeah . And I was like , well , dude , I mean , how much is this book ? And he said , if you were drawn to it , maybe it's for you , you can have it .
Speaker 1And so I read this book , I read the whole thing within the next 24 hours and now I just got your book Remembering to Live . I'm probably halfway through that . Ok , it's a cool finisher , it's a cool continuation . Yeah , this has been a resource for me in my own life , just looking through it and just out of sheer interest and curiosity and just the thrill of just how dark and deep this story goes is one of the reasons I returned to it . And now to even connect with you today is really awesome . To read the book you've written now . Remembering to Live is just such a cool transformation . But I don't want to get to all the beautiful stuff yet . I want to go back to this stuff , man , let's talk about for people who are just tuning in to this episode , just watching this conversation with you . Let's talk about where you came from , man . There's a lot of beautiful stuff to the way you are now . But let's talk about the past . You have a rough , rough past my brother and such interesting stories .
Speaker 2Yeah , my childhood was really rough and my parents didn't know how to be parents . My parents were immigrants from different countries and spoke different languages and had different religions . They met up at university in rural Ohio and my mom thought she could change my dad . My dad , as you know from the book , was a very violent , very angry man . I don't know what marriage that was for him probably number four or number five . I honestly have no idea . I got half brothers and half sisters all over the world Jordan , ramallah , in Palestine , unfortunately right now Canada , louisiana and I don't know . I don't know where else , but my dad got around . My mom was a sad and broken beautiful woman . My father was an angry and beautiful man and they had me . I'm the only sibling out of that marriage and it was just .
Speaker 2It was really rough . There was a lot of neglect and a lot of abuse , a lot of sexual abuse , a lot of violence and , yeah , it was tough being a kid in Ohio with a weird name , with weird parents and not being able to function normally at school , not being good at sports , not like it . Seemed like everybody had something Like somebody . You know , one kid was good at instruments and another kid was good at school and another kid was great at baseball and another kid was good at football . I just I wasn't good at anything and I tried I definitely tried different sports and I just I have no eye hand coordination , which is really frustrating . And people like think I'm joking when I say that and I'm like no , like if we're at a ping pong table I'll be like watch and like I go to swing here and like the ball's over here , like really weird , I have amazing body coordination .
Speaker 2The first time I tried surfing I stood up , literally stood up the first time . Now I sucked because surfing is a very difficult skill to develop , but I stood up and I rode away the first time and then I never . I never got into it , just because I didn't enjoy the culture of it and how weird it was , the territorial it was . But at 49 years old , at 49 years old , somebody bet me $10,000 in cash on a free roll that I couldn't get barreled at my friend's wave pool and it was a nap . What do you ?
Speaker 1mean barreled . What does that mean ?
Speaker 2Barreled is when you go inside the barrel of a wave and the wave comes over you , and then you come out of the wave . It's getting getting barreled , getting shacked and it was . It was a nasty bet because the person knew I couldn't do it , and they also sort of one of those people that enjoys watching people in pain and watching someone suffer .
Speaker 1And he had like trainers here at my gym .
Speaker 2He saw me try to ride the wave at that wave pool multiple times and I just fell and I felt it's a very powerful six foot wave that comes very quickly . And but he didn't know me as well as he thought he knew me because I said you , you mean , if I don't get barreled , I don't , I don't know you shit , and but if I get barreled , you're going to give me $10,000 in cash . And he said yeah , and I said let's shake on it . And I went to work . I went to work and I fell more times than I care to admit , but by the following morning at 10am I did what many , many surfers will spend their entire lives surfing and not do , which is I got barreled and I came out of that wave and I threw my arms up in the air and yet again I proved to myself that the impossible is , most of the time , just the untried .
Speaker 1That is something that you have recovered in your later years in life , into adulthood and throughout your childhood , that that awareness wasn't there . It was . There was suffering and darkness . One of the things that kind of popped up to me as I was just glancing back through some of the beginning chapter of your book this morning is how substances really were the only thing that was able to regulate , give relief to this pain of the , in your own words . You know in Com , you know , like some , in comprehensible competition .
Speaker 2Yeah , so , yeah . So there were other . I mean , look , I shoplifted , that brought some relief . I vandalized , that brought some some relief . I , as a kid , just masturbated chronically because that brought some relief . There were other things that I was trying to Use to not feel the way that I was feeling . I walked around feeling like my skin was on fire . I walked around , I think , mostly because of the sexual abuse . I always felt dirty , I always felt , yeah , I always felt yeah something was wrong with me and I was dirty .
Speaker 2I don't know if you remember from the book when I stayed the night at Pete Hanwick's house in Ottawa Hills and he had that perfect family with the sisters and the mom and the dad and the dog and the cat and you guys are late .
Speaker 1You guys like all were laying in bed together , or something like that .
Speaker 2I'm a big , happy family they were and I got to pee and the mom called me in and I was like fuck , like what do I do ? And I went over there just dirty and like Mouth from smoking and drinking and like just dirt .
Speaker 2I felt dirty and I go around the corner and there they are , they're all in bed . They're all in like matching J crew or LL bean pajamas , and they've got the golden retriever and they got the cat and they're just like loving one another and my , my . I got a lump in my throat like my heart just broke because I thought to myself Wait , is this what childhood is supposed to look like ?
Speaker 2Like ? There you , that love , like I could feel it on me , even though it wasn't meant for me , but like I could feel the energy of that love . And they invited me in and come sit down . And you know , we want to hear all about you and yeah
From Pain to Addiction
Speaker 2.
Speaker 1It was that , that pain , man , I can hear it in your , in your words , in the book when you write about it . The Just the being alone and staring at this thing . That's a put that you're in called life . Yeah , they just keeps fucking you and I mean and Just disregarding you and crushing you , whether it's through the abuse you describe in the book , the lack of any support at home , with family being kicked out of the house . You know , you went to go with your dad and he locked the doors in the house and you went to live at work for a period of time . That's 14 ish years old , essentially Apparently .
Speaker 2It's not happening started 12 and it continued on until I was trying to . At 19 years old I made one desperate attempt to finish high school and it didn't end up panning out . But yeah , I just got tossed back and forth . But luckily this family took me in and I was able to kind of hide my drinking and using . But but once I went out on my own , the drinking and using got worse and worse and the substances were the only thing that brought me lasting relief . So , acting out violence , shoplifting .
Speaker 2Yeah all that like brought some relief and some sense of an identity , but the substances ?
Speaker 1They the drugs , were the cheat code man .
Speaker 2The drugs felt good . The booze the booze felt pretty good , but the drugs were much faster and I didn't look all puffy and gross and I didn't feel hung over the next day and I became white , the little chemist with all the different concoctions and man . I had a long honeymoon period and a lot of relief from those drugs . But drugs are kind of like Hanging out with terrorists or or you know , hijackers like your cruising and everything's cool and you feel like you're cool and everything's . You're hanging out with the cool people cool people , quotation marks and then one day , man , they just stand up with machine guns and they're like okay , motherfucker , you know , we're , we're hijacking you and and that was it . And and I had built up like a tissue dependency on the heroin and on the cocaine and and when you start , when you start shooting heroin .
Speaker 1I started with an issue .
Speaker 2That didn't . That didn't come till later , that was like like late 20s . I was smoking it before that .
Speaker 1Yeah .
Speaker 2I was doing mostly the fun drugs , the ecstasy , the GHB , the ketamine , acid mushrooms . But once the once the dark lord entered my realm . You know the heroin , heroin and and once the dark lord . And once that evil white ghost , cocaine , came into my world , all bets were off those , those substances , man , they grabbed on to my soul without my consent and they would not let go .
Speaker 1You say that a couple times in the book about the . You know the drugs intention Fooled the drugs full dark capacity and they had one intention and that was to rob you of your soul without your consent . Can you talk ? Can you describe that relationship with it and how it ? You thought you could negotiate a little bit and I just sent you into the pit of .
Speaker 2Boundary list offering you . I mean listen , when I first started doing cocaine on a regular basis , I got fucking ripped . I got like I looked jacked because , yeah , I have this like little half Middle Eastern , half Polish body . It's misshapen if you really look at it . Torso's a little long , too long , and the legs are too short . My head's too big , but if you don't look closely I have kind of that sinewy , almost like cat , like Body , and when I did the cocaine , sure said and I had abs and my I was very vascular and I this is like 20s .
Speaker 1Yeah , I felt like .
Speaker 2I looked good and the chemical confidence Opened a lot of doors and I was making music at that time and I I was able to let go of my fear of not being a piece of shit and and it started to create some pretty good music .
Speaker 1So the drugs will they'll give you a little bit in the beginning , you know because at that point you were at that point there wasn't really a A , any type of routine structure life at all for the drugs to conflict with . So it was , it was all up and up . It wasn't like you were staying up getting high and because of that you were late for Things you had going on . It was just now you were living kind of the normal life of being somewhat homeless , couch surfing and just fucking off with people all day . But now it was without the emotional turmoil because you were aided by these chemicals .
Speaker 2Yeah , chemicals allowed me to cheat . The chemicals allowed me to wind up in weird Situations and justify them . Um what ?
Speaker 1do you mean ? What do you mean ?
Speaker 2I mean , you know , we were going to raves and we were doing club drugs and there was a very hedonistic decadent , almost like Sodom and Gomorrah period of my life , where yeah you know , there were no boundaries and there were no rules and I could rationalize , minimalize or justify just about anything , because I was completely out of my fucking mind and mentally ill and taking Massive , massive amounts of drugs . So , yeah , there's no risk and did that . There's no accountability there .
Speaker 1Yeah , and that's . That's a whole lot of fucking fun . A Kunamata to baby , right Then ?
Dark Temptations
Speaker 2As as temptation always comes in , your favorite designers right .
Speaker 1Yeah , yeah , it's funny , yeah , you know you don't temptation , if you like .
Speaker 2You know what happens as a man . When you're a man , you're pretty much invisible . If you're over the age of 30 , right , but get sure . But get yourself a girlfriend that you really , really love , that really loves you , and what's the first thing that happens ? The hottest women who wouldn't have taken a piss on you if you were on fire in the middle of the street Come out of nowhere and pursue you and start slide with your DMs . And that's how temptation comes . It's not some 400 pound woman that you know wants to sit on my face , it's some hot model from South Beach , miami . That's like we should hang out . I'm like where were you a year ago when I couldn't get a date to save my life ?
Speaker 1Yeah , you , the drugs , really the drugs made it all better right . For a period of time it was like , okay , poof , I'm doing good man , I'm hanging my boys , I'm actually making some pretty good tunes . Yes , you know , I don't feel that crippling panic , I feel at ease . I even feel like the fucking man when I do some blow , like life is good here , and and then it seems like Once the heroin starts being , once the heroin enters the picture , it becomes . It becomes different , like the way you describe it in the book . It's like you know that , that like illusion of control . It kind of was okay , but once the heroin into the picture , then it was like I started to sense that , to disappearing , like I think you were .
Speaker 2And the cocaine . The cocaine had a very evil , sinister nature to it and in the beginning , when you're doing cocaine , you feel like you finally arrived and you're , you're in with the yeah and the same thing with the heroin .
Speaker 2All of a sudden I'm hanging out with people that I used to go buy tickets to go see their concerts . Now I'm hanging out next to them on the sofa and we're smoking some tar . Here's the guy that was in my favorite movie when I was 16 and now we're smoking some rocks together and he's calling it freebase , when in reality it was crack . They both had this insidious evil nature to them and then one day it was just like the rug got pulled out from under my feet and I got hijacked you , you smoked crack on accident for the first time yes , I was told it was .
Speaker 2It was base .
Speaker 1That's what the guy said and you're like I don't know what base is , but I'll hit it because I'm I'm with it . Man , I'm cool , I'm hanging out with you .
Speaker 2Guys , let's do a famous actor , a bunch of girls sitting outside at a nightclub and you want a base hit like of course I do . I want to do anything this guy's doing , you know he's famous and he's sitting with nine hot women yeah , and yeah , nine hours later I'm crawling around on his floor trying to find looking for it fucking pieces of of lint to put in the crack pipe . Yeah , it's disgusting .
Speaker 1It's disgusting describe , describe that feeling .
Speaker 2Oh , what does it feel like to smoke crack like like you're like in the beginning , like you could go walk on to the Lakers and and play whatever position you want . Or you could go walk on to any movie set and get the starring role . Like that's literally what your head is telling you .
Speaker 1Your dopamine and serotonin levels are so unnaturally skyrocketed that you you think that you're like godlike so , like I've done a lot of cocaine but I've never smoked crack , how would you compare it ?
Speaker 2in a ratio of sorts of like a , the crack is x amount of time stronger than the euphoria of doing lots of blow cocaine would be like if you went to an amusement park and you're in the bumper cars and you're having the time of your life with your friend . Crack is is is going down that first hill of the roller coaster . Wow , yeah , crack is . It's so way more intense , 20 times more intense that at that point does it become different , bro ?
Speaker 1like you start thinking like first it was relief from your emotional pain and then it becomes this dragon chase where you're like what the fuck was that ? I just like that crack just sent me for the loop , like I got to get some more of that . It was like no longer about escapism and or escaping and what you felt , and more about getting that again yeah , all of it , all of that stuff .
Speaker 2I just wanted more . I just what . You know , the first time I tried heroin , I literally said to the guy , like how can I buy this in bulk and how can I get it cheaper ? I was always , look , I was always industrious and always a little bit of an entrepreneur , and I'm not , you're like Kevin O'Leary , shooting heroin for the first time , saying how can we get some more of this ?
Speaker 1I'm in , I'm in , I loved it .
Speaker 2I loved not feeling anxious . I love not feeling like a piece of shit . I loved feeling like I was six foot two , with blonde hair and blue eyes , instead of five foot seven . And you know , with whatever I got like it made me . It made me feel like really , really special . But it's . It's the darkness , it's the absence of God , it's the absence of light . It's a great lie , it's disgusting , it's insidious , it's it's very bad . It's bad energy , it's bad for the world . The way that it's manufactured is bad . The way that it's transported , it's costing people's lives , the way that it comes into this country . It's caught , people are being beheaded , people are being executed in front of their families , people are going to prison . Everything about drugs is bad , and I'm not talking about using MDMA for vets , for PTSD . I'm not talking about mushrooms . I'm not sure about the , the stuff that can be used for for the greater good .
Speaker 2I'm talking about in a responsible setting like therapeutic and stuff yeah , I'm talking about the dark shit , like opioids have a place , like if we have to get a limb cut off or we break a leg then we need some opioids .
Speaker 1But yeah taking them for any other reason , man for a sustained period of time , it just takes your fucking life do you mind if I ask a couple questions based on just curiosity about these drugs , about the feelings and things , yeah , yeah . So what age are we when we smoke crack ?
Speaker 227 , 28 cool .
Speaker 127 , 28 we were . We were smoking heroin at that point , yeah , okay , so we were smoking heroin a couple years , right , hadn't started jacked in yet and we're starting crack . This is where things start to swap . It starts to get different , right , when you do heroin for the first time , when you . One thing I thought was interesting , man is like you know , you describe the different drugs as you took them . You know , like I've told a couple friends this like this is crazy , like this guy describes . You know I drink and I feel , you know , safe , and I feel invincible , almost I feel fucking let's go . You know I'm rocking , I do MDMA and I feel like this amazing merging of my senses and this openness of boundaries and this euphoria that had never felt before . It was amazing . And then I do heroin , I smoke heroin and this hits like a thousand times stronger than the best MDMA I've ever done . And then you talk about that guy that was a former junkie . You met him .
Speaker 2They met her . Yeah , there's no Christmas for junkies guy .
Speaker 1That's right . There's no Christmas junkies . Yeah , it's a cool line , man , and you go to this house and say I'm going to shoot up I think something with your girlfriend had gone on him and then you shoot up and right when that thing starts to push into your vein , you said there's nothing , no drug could touch this feeling .
Speaker 2No , that's Godhead . That's the ultimate high , that's the illusion that God is wrapping his arms around you and holding you and loving you . And that's why it's so insidious , and that's why it's so dark and evil , because it's not God wrapping his arms around you . It's actually the opposite , and there is a spiritual component to all of this stuff .
Speaker 1Yeah , with a disguise , right , it's like the devil , the great deceitful devil , with a big hug and says come on in , Let me hold you , I'll give you some of that good love you need so deep . But doesn't it feel so good ? And then now continue to follow me . Yeah .
Speaker 2Yeah , it's dark man , it's bad shit . Everything about it's bad . I'm so grateful , by the grace of God , that I've been away from free from active addiction for over 20 years now and I'm just so happy to be away from all that . And when people are fucked up , when people are kind of fucked up , they clean up and they kind of have a good life . In my experience , when people are really really fucked up , really going through some tough shit whether it's drugs , alcohol , gambling , whatever it is infidelity when you turn yourself around , you head in the other direction , success comes to you in a very profound way and I don't know why I have no idea when you're really fucked up , when you're coming from rock rock bottom yeah .
Speaker 2Yeah , it seems like more doors open . It seems like you get this fearlessness about you .
Speaker 1It's almost like addiction becomes this superpower where you know there's like a you ever heard that Regents Beta paradox , which is you'd be better off if you were in a worse situation . Like if your financial situation was a little worse , you'd actually get up and do something about it If you were in a little bit worse health . Like I just talked to a guy who walks in the gym today to sign up for personal trainer . It's because he finally had a heart attack . So maybe it's that sense that like you've already hit the fucking bottom and so now you're like I know what it's like I'm not living this illusion that I could fuck around and waste my time in life , and you know , you're clear .
Speaker 2You have wisdom . I don't sit around and wonder if I could smoke weed and drink wine with dinner , like I went as low as you can go and , to be honest , man , I probably could smoke weed or I probably could drink wine with dinner . But what if I'm wrong ?
Speaker 1That's right . Yeah , what if I'm wrong ? I hope you never test that hypothesis .
Speaker 2What if that's just the ego telling me that , or dark forces telling me that ? Like I just don't , I'm so happy that I bottomed out as hard as I did .
Speaker 1Khalil , some people might listen to you say or us discuss going down a roller coaster , the rush of smoke and crack , or shooting up heroin , and it's the absolute most highest form , not the most highest form , but it masquerades as this highest form of bliss and love and go . That sounds great . You know what ? Thanks for that . They're going to hop on the podcast and I'm going to go try
Exploring Darkness and Light in Life
Speaker 1it . Let's flip it on its head and let's talk about when the darkness starts to set in . Can you share with me and the listeners like one or two of the darkest , horrible stories of where that lie led you ?
Speaker 2Letting men fucking jack off on me for drug money . Letting homeless crack dealers jack off on me Sleeping with old ladies so I can get a fix , lying to people over and over again , burning every bridge that's ever been burned . There is nothing good about any of that . It's a great lie , it's a great deceit and it'll destroy your life .
Speaker 1Yeah , as it did . I mean , if you're listening to this and you haven't read the book , I forgot to die . It's an incredible book . I think it's in . I think what's really incredible is it's helped me out so much in my own personal life . Khalil has struggled with sex addiction and porn addiction Because it illustrates not just for drug addicts , it illustrates anyone who's trying to negotiate a relationship with something and thinking that they can control how far they take this . And it doesn't say I said .
Speaker 2I said I was having a man talk that if taken out of context , would sound horrible . But I was talking to a veteran who's seen a lot of action and has quite a bit of suicidal ideation . And I use Gallows humor because I learned how to use Gallows humor in 12 step programs . Gallows humor was that wildly inappropriate humor , the type of shit that you're not supposed to say . But you say it's funnier than any , just about any type of humor there is , because it's the shit that you're not supposed to say . And unexpected and I was , and I was using some gallows humor to Sort of lighten the early morning , you know rough moment that he was going through and I said you know , I'll probably see you later .
Speaker 2I'll go walk on the treadmill and then look over at the girl on the rowing machine who is bipolar and you know and and medicated for schizophrenia . I'll have a couple of moments where I think about having an affair with her , which would then lead to me coming home to a rabbit boiling on my stove . I'm not sure if you get that reference . You're probably too young , I don't reference . So there was a movie in the 80s where this really good-looking guy had this really hot wife and we had this perfect life and this woman tempted him into an affair and he was like , oh , what's the big deal at skin on skin and he went and he had the affair and then the woman literally came and like took his fucking life over and would like break into his house and leave a dead rabbit boiling in a pot on his on his stove and then yeah , I think like kidnapped his wife and like it .
Speaker 2Just like , whether it's heroin or crack or porn or cheating or the gambling , it's all the same shit . It's the darkness , it's the absence of light , and it described that . What do you mean ? So the light is our creator and the darkness some people would call the devil , or they would say it's the absence of light , the absence of our creator . It's the opposite .
Speaker 2And that's the porn , the gambling , the cheating , the lying , the fucking people over , the gossiping , the slandering . It's all kinds of different degrees of darkness or absence of light . And then there's the being kind and being courteous and being generous and being loving and being faithful and and Having humility , and that would be going towards the light . And in my experience , the more you go towards the light , the better your life becomes . You're still gonna have that shit happen . That's just life legs gonna break , parents are gonna die , you're gonna get sick here and there , you're gonna get old , you're gonna get some aches and some pains . But my experience is also , if you fuck with that darkness , as Alluring as it might seem , sooner or later it sucks you in and it's got a hold of you and it and just like when you're getting fucked by an 800 pound gorilla . When does that gorilla stop fucking you ?
Speaker 1when it decides to stop fucking you , not when you want , yeah , fucking you , and as you said earlier , that darkness , you know , we think we can look at bad shit and be like , oh , I'm not gonna get in a life of despair and guilt and shame and disgust and and being impoverished . It doesn't impoverished , it doesn't come like that , it comes like you said earlier in your favorite diner . Brands . Yeah , you almost have to be a little bit skeptical of things that feel too good .
Speaker 2Of course you do of course you do , and you also know in each day we're gonna give up . We're gonna be given opportunities to take the high road in the low road . You take the low road long enough . You drive right off the fucking freeway of life .
Speaker 1You take the high , so is that long enough ?
Speaker 2you begin to build integrity of character and and doors begin to open and your life Begins to get awesome . Give me , is that what kills people ? One second , sorry , I got P real quick , can I ?
Speaker 1yeah , I'll do the same thing , I'm a second . Good for maybe 15 more minutes . You got time .
Speaker 2Yeah , I'm just waiting for my PT to To show up , so she'll be walking in a second . You'll see my attention get diverted .
Speaker 1Cool , awesome man . I'd love to talk about what . I'd love to talk about the spiritual component of this . This is piqued my interest the the darkness aspect of it . Let's talk about that . So there's darkness and there's light . There's things that , the things that trip you up , that that masquerade as light or they almost they shortcut . There are a cheat code of sorts that you know that this is . You know because someone told you this isn't what you should do . You shouldn't be at the gambling table , or you shouldn't be watching pornography while your , your partner's , in bed . You shouldn't . You shouldn't be doing drugs . You know , you know you shouldn't , but you haven't found out for yourself yet why . And this thing feels so good , it feels like lightness , it feels like power , it feels like love , but then it begins to strip you of it . The darkness aspect of it , the darkness thing , is interesting to me . Is it kill you eventually ? Is that what darkness does ? It just kills you .
Speaker 2I don't think we're that lucky . I don't think there is any killing . I think that I think that I Don't think . I , I wholeheartedly believe there is no beginning and there is no end . We've been doing this forever and we will do this forever . I can't articulate it any better than that , because I don't understand it any better than that , but I believe that the concept of purgatory is very real . I've lived in it . The , the , the absence of light , is , is , is a wilderness of pain and being being at one with my creator although I Struggle on a daily basis to do so , but having the humility to get up in the morning and and get into an attitude of gratitude by doing a walk in gratitude list and saying out loud while it's still dark outside Thank you God for this day , thank you God for the roof over my head , thank you God for the clean water that I get to bathe in , getting into that attitude of gratitude and getting closer to my , my , my creator , our creator , because it's all the same thing .
Speaker 1That's the yeah , and I want to live in that light you and that morning gratitude , that that is you trying to Align yourself with light .
Speaker 2Yeah , align . You know a busboy bringing me bread when I asked for water and and me , me smiling and saying thank you instead of me going . I asked for bread , right , that's the absence of light . The light is Realizing that this is a human being doing the best that they can . You think this guy really wants to be a fucking busboy ? The answer is probably no .
Speaker 2Nobody dreams of being a busboy . Nobody dreams of being a meter mate . Nobody dreams of working at the DMV . So who am I gonna be when I interact with those people ? And you're not looking . Who am I gonna be ? That ? That's where I will be measured in terms of how much I'm living in the light and how much I'm living in the darkness , because I see people who present themselves really well and have all kinds of money , and Then you put them in a situation like that and they're fucking they're , they're , they're like being nasty to the
Overcoming Challenges and Taking Responsibility
Speaker 2busboy . Or you see somebody flipping out on the parking attendant who's writing them a ticket . I just fucking the and you're like what , like what are you doing ?
Speaker 1Why do people get like that ?
Speaker 2This person's doing their fucking job and it doesn't matter if you just parked there for 30 seconds or not . If you're gonna pull in front of a parking meter , whether you're gonna be gone for three hours or for three seconds , you run the risk of getting that ticket . And if you didn't put money in that thing , or or the time has ran out Because you were being absent-minded and I'm speaking to myself , not you yeah , when that person gives me that ticket , my job is to recognize that it's another human being doing the best that they can and Simply smile at them . Not smile at them because I think I'm gonna get out of the ticket Although I have gotten out of some tickets , not after they print it up , but sometimes I'll walk up and just say you know , good afternoon . And they'll just look at me and they'll see me smiling and they'll literally go . You know what , man , this is your lucky day and and that doesn't and that doesn't always happen , but it happens sometimes .
Speaker 2I got pulled over right before I left LA . I Was flying to the gold place California numismatics medals and I was . I was going 80 miles an hour and I came off the 10 . And I'm coming onto the 405 . And I literally crossed five lanes of traffic to get into the whatever lane . And I shit you not . The moment that I did and I went over the yellow lines , I didn't go into the lane legally , I went into the carpool lane illegally . The moment I did , the lights went on behind me .
Speaker 2Yeah and I just , fucking you know , went back over because they won't pull you over there . You got to go all the way back over and I stopped and the cop got out of his car highway patrolman got out of his car and I got my registration out , I put it in in the middle console , I turned my car off , I put my keys on the dashboard , I put my hands at is it 10 o'clock and two o'clock or whatever the saying is ? I put my hands like that , I had my windows down and I said to my girlfriend like this is going to be one hell of a ticket . And she's like , like , because it's a highway patrol and these guys never fucking let you off .
Speaker 2They don't play this guy comes up to the window and he's like you know why I pulled you over and I oh yeah , that's officer , I just crossed over five lanes of traffic .
Speaker 2I was speeding and I illegally . And he's like what the fuck's wrong with you , man ? I am so sorry , I was in a big hurry , goes , we're all in a big hurry . And I said , officer , you're absolutely right , I sincerely apologize . And he's like let me see that registration . He took the registration , he got halfway back to his car and I'm watching him in the rear of your mirror and he's shaking his head and he stops and he turns back around and he walks up to car , hands me your registration . Goes . Get the fuck out of here , man . And I'm like nice , thank you , officer . So nice .
Speaker 2Don't be of the light because you're going to get out of parking tickets and speeding tickets . Be of the light because we're all part of the same thing . We're all part of the source that is the light , and the harder that we work to be aligned with that light , the better our lives are going to be , and the better our lives around us those those who we love and those who we engage with , the better their lives are going to be .
Speaker 1Yeah , it's a beautiful story , man . There seems , there seems to be a flip of responsibility that I pick up from a lot of people's stories yours too where you know you're getting back at what life has dealt you a lot of people . That's our , that's the human experience . We get fucked over , shit happens , we're pissed , we're , we begin to resent life , and then we , we almost , we just , we're entitled , we have a chip on our shoulder because life hasn't handed us this amazing orgasmic , money filled pleasure , endless kaleidoscope experience , and so we just get angry all the time At some point for you , khalil , was maybe rock bottom at some point that you go like the pain in my life is mine to care for . I have to begin the process of taking care of that . Yeah , that's a responsibility I have as a human .
Speaker 2Yeah , my mom got sick . My mom got cancer . I was eight months sober . I was still homeless , living in this guy's guest house , and I could go back and visitor . I couldn't send her money , I couldn't do anything . And you know , my mom wasn't a great mom . My mom didn't love me , my mom didn't protect me . But I went home that night and I realized that I had become an absolute piece of shit by my own doing , had nothing to do with her , had nothing to do with anybody . I was living my life like a piece of shit and I couldn't take care of my mother , who carried me within her belly , and I cried and I cried all night and I made a vow with myself and I made a vow with God that I was going to be rich and then I was going to be successful and then I was going to take care of people that were in my life Someday .
Speaker 2That would be a friend , maybe a wife , definitely my mother and something very interesting happened . Over the next 17 years I was able to spoil the shit out of that mom that didn't love me and didn't care for me and didn't protect me , and it's and you know I'm in , bought her house and , you know , set her on vacations . And it's a great cosmic joke that I gave my mom the love that I so desperately needed from her that she didn't give to me and all of a sudden I was free .
Speaker 1Yeah , wow , man , that's beautiful brother , that's beautiful man . I don't know what it was that allowed . Maybe it's just your time , but something allows you to have the strength to be able to to hold that epiphany of saying like it's all on me , it's all my fault . I'm the one holding on so desperately to this pain . And the fact that you , you looked at it in the face and you said you know , never again like I'm gonna own this , I'm gonna . I'm gonna bring love to my own pain and then , as I heal myself , I'm gonna love those around me . That's all .
Speaker 2I mean , look it's , it's . I found it out by accident and I also sort of remember watching PBS when I was a kid and being kind of fascinated with Joseph Campbell the hero's journey . You know , I watched that as a kid over and over again .
Speaker 2I didn't realize it till I was about a little bit more than halfway through my own personal journey that I was actually living the hero's journey , that what I was doing was working my ass off to become the hero in my own story , and I realized that I was the author of my story and that everyone is the author of their story . So taking sovereignty over yourself and taking responsibility for everything going on in your life is actually quite a selfish act . But the the joke is , or the punchline is , when you become selfish and you take sovereignty over yourself and you stop blaming everybody else and you look inward , you're then able to to spoil the shit out of your friends , out of your girlfriend , buy a beautiful home , buy a beautiful car , get nice things if watches are your thing , or that little reminders to the little boy inside of you that that you're doing good and that God has your back and and that life is , and that life is , life is beautiful .
Speaker 1Oh shit , that's incredible I love .
Speaker 2I just told her to come in and I locked her out . Yeah , you get coming . Oh , that's awesome .
Seek God, Love Others
Speaker 1Oh well , man I have Dr Alexis .
Speaker 2by the way , if you're ever in Austin , Texas , and you need the greatest physical therapist , it's actually a doctor . She didn't just take some weekend course . If you're ever here , we need to experience the magic of her healing .
Speaker 1I hear you man . Hey dude , thank you so much , man , for just hanging out with me brother , I sincerely enjoy just chat with you , man , and thank you so much .
Speaker 2My pleasure . We'll do it again , brother .
Speaker 1Yes , please do . I hope everything goes well . I hope that key gets fixed at your location . Yeah , I've got a locksmith out immediately .
Speaker 2They got the store open and I'm putting the salt pepper shaker back in the middle of the table as we speak .
Speaker 1That's right , man . Well , look , I know this episode will remind everyone that we're all part of the same source and that our role in life is to stay alert from the things that masquerade as light , that have darkness behind them and threatened to ruin our lives . And I genuinely , genuinely know that the stories you share , the conversation we've had , is going to be a great reminder for people listening . So again , thank you for the lot of my heart brother .
Speaker 2If a dummy like me can succeed against all odds by seeking God first above all else and loving my neighbor as I love myself , then anybody out there because I'm going to guess that all of your listeners are smarter than me , taller than me , younger than me , more educated than me and have all kinds of resources that I didn't have . The only thing that they might be missing , and I'm guessing , is just putting God first and seeking God above all else and loving their neighbors . They love yourselves . Watch the miracles happen in your life if you engage in that practice on a daily basis , one day at a time . One percent better each day .