Lights, Cameras, Hope Featuring Candace Washington

NAMI CEO Daniel H. Gillison, Jr. talks with Candace Washington, licensed certified social worker-clinical (LCSW-C), psychotherapist, production therapist, suicide survivor, and a United States Air Force Veteran, to kick off Suicide Prevention Month this September. The pair discuss Candace’s mental health journey, lessons she has learned, faith, the entertainment industry, and suicide prevention. 

If you or someone you know are experiencing a mental health crisis, reach out for help today. Call or text 988, or visit 988lifeline.org for online chat options, to speak with a trained support specialist. 

You can find additional episodes of this NAMI podcast and others at nami.org/podcast.

"Hope Starts With Us" is a podcast by NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness. It is hosted by NAMI CEO Daniel H. Gillison, Jr.

Episode production is provided by NAMI staff, including Traci Coulter and Connor Larsen.

Transcript

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I realized I was like, whoa! My experiences are not mine alone. Every time I have the opportunity to open up my mouth and share, it's an opportunity to save another life. And then that life will go out and save another life, and then it'll save a community. Welcome to Hope Starts With Us, a podcast by NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness. I'm your host, Dan Gillison, NAMI's CEO. NAMI started this podcast because we believe that hope starts with us. Hope starts with us talking about mental health. Hope starts with us making information accessible. Hope starts with us providing resources and practical advice. Hope starts with us sharing our stories. Hope starts with us breaking the stigma. If you or a loved one is struggling with mental health conditions and have been looking for hope, we made this podcast for you. Hope starts with all of us. Hope is a collective. We hope that each episode with each conversation brings you into that collective so you know you are not alone. Now September is Suicide Prevention Month when we highlight the ways we know we can reduce suicides and show our communities how much we care. This year, NAMI's theme is start a conversation, be the difference. With this theme, we aim to remind every single person that just one caring conversation can make the difference for someone struggling with suicidal ideation. We know no one has to face this alone. Help exists, healing is possible, and we invite all of our listeners to spread hope, help, and healing by starting those conversations and making the difference. Candice Washington, a licensed certified social worker, psychotherapist, and production therapist. She's also a mother, an author, and a minister, and most important for this conversation, a suicide survivor, and a United States Air Force veteran. We just want to say thank you so much, Candice, for joining us. And we met at the American Black Film Festival and it was incredible because as we start this conversation, you know, you felt it's so important that we, NAMI, we were on a panel on that Saturday. You were to leave that Friday, you changed your flight so that we could meet. So thank you. And we appreciate it so much. Would you start this conversation, Candace, by telling our audience about your lived experience and your personal mental health journey, and also, as you do that, let me acknowledge you being a mother, an author, a minister, and a military veteran. Thank you for your service. So again, back to the question about your lived experience and your mental health journey. Well, first of all, thank you so much for having me. It was an honor to meet you at ABFF, and I think it's so timely, so important for us to have this conversation because I believe that transparency heals. I believe that transparency fosters empathy, connection, and also hope. And when I think about my journey and my experience, I am someone who falls into a lot of the statistics that NAMI reports. 1 in 5 individuals have a mental health condition. 50% of those struggle with substance abuse. By the age of 18, 61% of children have endured an adverse childhood experience such as trauma. And then lastly, one person dies by suicide every 11 minutes. And when I think about my journey and I go back to those adverse childhood experiences, such as trauma, at five I endured an adverse childhood experience, such as sexual abuse. And I learned, Dan, early on at the age of five how to mask my pain and how to really navigate the silence of pain and not putting language on what it is that I was experiencing. And as I grew older, I learned how to mask my pain through achievement. So I fostered early on achievement addiction. I was achieving academically. I was an amazing scholar, but I was wrestling with a lot of pain. And by the age of 16, because of the experiences that I had early on, coupled with what I was experiencing at the age of 16, I started having suicidal ideations. I started having thoughts that life really wasn't worth living. And I remember I was 16 and I locked myself in a bathroom, and I took a bottle of pills. And when I came to hours later, ill, physically ill, unsuccessful. The first thought that I had at that time was, man, it didn't work. It didn't work. So what I did was I put that mask back on and I kept on living. But what I realize now, when I look back, I wasn't really living. I was just existing. I was just existing. And again, because I learned how to achieve well while suffering in silence, I went on, graduated from high school, went to Bowie State University and University of Maryland, College Park. And after graduating those schools, I--because I went to University of Maryland, College Park for the Air Force, ROTC program. So after I commissioned, I went into the Air Force. And as soon as you get into the Air Force, they have this thing called a newcomers orientation, where all the new airmen, they go to this briefing and they're learning about the base. They are becoming accustomed with the military traditions and norms. And there was a gentleman there. He was a major. And at the time I was at Wright-Patterson Air Force Base. There wasn't a lot of African-American officers there. So when I met this gentleman, African American, he started to, what I thought, was mentor me. But what I realized months after was that he was grooming me. And the military has high rates of sexual assault. And he started stalking me. He started harassing me. And because I never dealt with that childhood trauma, because I never dealt with that five-year-old little girl, because I never dealt with that 16-year-old little girl, all of the trauma that I was suppressing was coming to the forefront. And here I am, a brand new officer. By this time I was a young mother, I had Bryson, he was three at the time. And the stalking in the harassing, I went back into silence and because I didn't feel protected, I started drinking heavily. And a lot of people mask their pain with different vices. For me, how I masked my pain was through substances and substance abuse. And I remember one night I got behind the wheel of the vehicle, made a very poor decision, intoxicated, and I had my second suicide attempt when I tried to crash my car into the medium. And after that accident, the first thought I had again was, it didn't work. This was my second failed attempt. And because my vehicle was no longer--I wasn't, you know, able to drive it, I remember I was about after midnight and I saw a car on the left side of the road, and I waved it down. And then what I didn't realize then I was waving down a police officer. And because I was so intoxicated when the police officer encountered me, you can immediately smell the alcohol on my breath. You can smell it coming out of my vehicle. And he said those words, "ma'am, have you been drinking tonight?" And I was traumatized by that event, I will say, because I'd never been in trouble. But I knew my poor decisions led me into this encounter, and I remember he asked me to walk the line like the sobriety test. And I took one step and I fell, and my face hit the pavement. And when I came to, I was in the back of his car in handcuffs. And at that time, no one was asking any questions of what led me to this place. And when I found out during the time after I was arrested, was that the gentleman that was stalking me, he sexually assaulted another airman at another base, and instead of actions being taken against him, he was moved to another base and his behavior continued. And I remember because this is my first time, you know, in any legal trouble, the judge said, you know, based upon you having your vehicle under your control at the time, you could do 180 days in jail. And instead of doing that 180 days, they sent me to a drug and alcohol treatment program. And I went to the program. And I was scared straight for a little bit of like, okay, Candace, you know, what you're experiencing isn't your fault, but your healing is. How you respond to it is your responsibility, not the fact that you've been harassed, not the fact that you've been stalked, not what happened to you when you were five. Not what you were going through at 16, though you didn't deserve it, you have a responsibility of how you respond to it. And I thought I understood that, I thought I did, and I stopped drinking for a little while after that, and I had to choose my self over my service. So I got out of the Air Force for my own mental health. Right? And then fast forward to 2017. By this time, I already had my masters in social work. I was a minister. I was an author, I recently got married, had my second son, Bryson. I thought I was on the other side of everything. I thought I was okay, I honestly thought I was okay, I was excelling, I wasn't drinking, again, I thought I was okay, and then I got married. And marriage is a mirror, right? So you are bringing your lived experiences and the good and the bad and the ugly, and you're coming together at one. And I started to, in that marriage, have a lot of marital conflicts. And again, the thoughts of suicide just came. Why didn't you do it when you were 16? You tried it once. You should have did it again. Why didn't you do it again at 26 when you was in the Air Force? So those thoughts started to come up. By this time I already had my master's in social work. I was a minister. On the outside looking in, I should know what to do to get to the other side of this. I should know how to go into my prayer closet and pray. I should know the tools, the strategies, and I started listening to those voices and I started to say, Candace, you're a fraud. No one's going to miss you. You can even show up for your children right now. Because I went back to what soothed me, which was drinking. I went back to those very vices to cope. And when those thoughts of suicide came up again, this time I really believed them. I really believed them. And I remember 2019, I was going through the divorce and I had my two children, and I remember I started looking at life insurance policies, I started planning. I did have some conversations with those around me. You know, life isn't worth living. And I tell people when you hear people say things, believe them. Even if they say it in a joking way, believe them the first time. If they say they're not okay, believe them. So I started saying little things. There were moments where I couldn't get out of bed. There were moments where I locked myself in a bathroom. There were moments where my youngest son, I--even though he was a co-sleeper at the time, I would have these night terrors and I would wake up in the middle of the night and I would just hold on to him to send a signal to my mind, Candace, you have to find a reason to live. You have to find a reason to live. And I was on one end, Dan, I was really fighting to live for my boys and on the other end, there was this voice that said, you're giving them a gift by not being here. You're giving them a gift. Because I wasn't well, I can say that in my humanity and my transparency, I wasn't well. I was going through the divorce, I came back, we were living stationed in Germany at the time, came back, and I'm a mother. I had to suck it up and do what it is that I had to do. I had to get the children in school, I had to go back to work. I didn't have a chance to not be okay. I didn't have a chance to exhale. I had to get it together and I had to suppress my pain. And that's something that I'm accustomed to doing because again, I learned that at five. So in 2019, I did a photoshoot with the boys. It was a picture that I took with them because I wanted them to have a lasting memory of us together. And I remember December 2019, my boys' father sent me a picture of them and they were smiling. They were so happy. They were so full of life. And a thought entered into my mind. See, they'll be okay without you. And then another voice said, Candace, if you make this decision, your pain stops, but their pain will just begin. And the five-year-old in me woke up and said, wait a minute, I really don't want to die. I just want the pain to stop. I want to face this pain. Because, Dan, I really believe I was so intoxicated that night, I don't even think God allowed me to even get out of the house that night, because my plan was to drown. My plan was to get in my car and run off the bridge. And the bridge that I live by is about 20 miles away, as intoxicated as I was that night, I don't even know if I would have made it to the bridge. Wow. I realized in that moment is I have to face this, and if I'm going to face it, I have to face it with a sober mind. Mmm. And that was something that was so hard to do because healing is messy. It's not linear. So now I'm not just sitting with my 31-year-old self at the time, because this was 2019, I'm also sitting with that 26 year old. I'm sitting with that 16 year old and I'm sitting with that five-year-old little girl that I blamed for her silence of maybe if you would have said something, we wouldn't have been dealing with this. So I had to face it. And by me facing it, I got in therapy and I really started to take off this mask that I've been wearing because, again, I was excelling. I already had all of these titles and achievements, and on the outside looking in,my life was together, but on the inside it was falling apart. As you say that on the outside looking in, let's think about a book and you're an author. The outside being the cover of the book. And very rarely do we get into the table of contents and the chapters, you know, when we talk about people's lives, and, as you've just shared the table of contents and the chapters, few of the chapters of your life. This this is incredible. And I wrote some things down that, you know, I want to ask you. I know we have a set of questions, but even with your two little boys, you were feeling that you were being a burden to them. And we do know that there's other people that navigate that. How did you come to terms with that feeling of, you know, I'm a burden to them, So if I leave, I won't be a burden. How did you come to or rationalize that and say that's not the answer? Yeah. I had to face the thoughts. I had to face the thoughts. I had to realize that my feelings are valid. My experiences are valid, but my thoughts are not always reality. Thoughts are not always true. So I had to start having conversations with myself and put my thoughts on trial and say, who told you that? What experience led you to think this way? And I had to get down to the root and said, that's not something that is true, because by me not being here, it doesn't add value to their life. It takes it away. Because now I'm not here to answer their questions. That is when everything started changing, because our thoughts influences our feelings and our emotions, and then it shows up behaviorally. So once I started addressing those irrational thoughts, those cognitive distortions that was running around in my head, I started to breathe a little easier. Yeah, cognitive distortions. Thank you for sharing that. And you also started us out with talking about ACES and adverse childhood experiences and those cognitive distortions are very important to this conversation we're having. And you know, as we think about your experiences, you're a psychotherapist and a licensed social worker. What lessons have your experiences taught you, in terms of, in your body of work as a psychotherapist and a licensed social worker? I love this question. Because I think this is something you've learned about me already is that I'm very transparent. I never wanted to be a psychotherapist. I wanted to take my experiences. And this is one of the reasons I've gotten a field, was because I really wanted to understand the mind. The mind is one of the most powerful parts of our being, but it's also the most fragile. And I really was trying to understand my own mind, the mind of others. That's why I got in the field. And then because of the work that I did in the military and the things that I saw, men getting sexually assaulted, women getting sexually assaulted, I wanted to use my education and go back into the military and help those men and women that are experiencing sexual assault. But God had another plan, a greater plan than I even thought of. And I live by this quote. Dr. Maya Angelou says, as soon as healing takes place, you go out and you heal somebody else. And I realized I was like, woah, my experiences are not mine alone. Every time I have the opportunity to open up my mouth and share, it's an opportunity to save another life, and then that life will go out and save another life, and then it'll save a community. So I had to realize that it's power and putting language on what it is that we're experiencing. And even in my, you know, body of work, in my practice, I do a lot of narrative therapy, allowing my clients to rewrite their stories by showing a different ending, by showing a beautiful new chapter. I thought my life was over based upon these experiences that I never gave myself the opportunity to heal from, I just suppressed them. So once I started putting language on them, the power of storytelling, the power of saying, this is what I experienced, but this doesn't have to be the defining point of my future. Yeah, that that is so powerful in terms of that. And, you know, Candace, I also want to say, Minister, I work, we meet people where they are, and we also understand the importance of faith. So we have a we have something called FaithNet. And we just held our annual Pathways to Hope conference, which is really focused on the faith community and all that. come. How has faith, Minister, impacted your mental health? And in the reverse of that, how have your experiences with mental health impacted your faith work? Yeah, I love this question. I think for the longest time I thought that when it comes to this intersection of spirituality and mental health, that it's separated. And I had to realize that when it comes to mental health, it's not new when it comes to our faith. It is a human experience. And when I got into therapy--I'll share story in the Bible. When I got into therapy, my therapist was like, are you familiar with the story of Elijah? Elijah was a prophet who was suicidal. He was depressed. He was grieving. He was having a human experience. And how God responded to that with love, with empathy, with care. By meeting him where he was. He first attended to his physical needs because whenever you are battling mental and emotional distress, it can show up in the body. The body keeps score. So when I was going through that bout of depression, when I came out, I was so exhausted. It was like my body was like, finally you're giving us this opportunity to breathe because our body stores our experiences. So when I put language on it, going back to narrative therapy, put a language on it, it released it from my body. And then he took Elijah away and he attended to his, psychology, and emotional, and spiritual needs. So when I go out and I talk to faith-based assemblies or even in my practice, you know, that have clients that really have their faith as their anchor. I always say you can have your faith in therapy. It doesn't have to be either or. It's both, and. It's being able to know faith without works is dead. So I can pray and I also can go seek treatment. I can pray, and I can also seek medication management if needed. When it comes to our physical health, it's not stigmatized when we have any, you know, illnesses within our bodies. We go and see our doctor. It's not a blinking of the eye or raising of the eyebrow. So fostering these conversations is so crucial, especially in the faith-based community, because before an individual may come and see someone like myself, they're going to go to their faith-based leader. They're going to go to their pastors, they're going to go to their clergy. What information, what language are you sharing with them? Are you pushing them towards healing, or are you stigmatizing and demonizing this human experience and causing them to continue to suffer in silence? So it's so important. Yeah, it is really important. And, you know, in so many communities, the faith-based leader is actually the first responder. So it's so critical. And thank you for lending your talent to the community, as a minister. And I, we really do appreciate it and acknowledge it. So, you know, it's so interesting because as I'm getting ready to ask this next question, you have me thinking about the book of Matthew and the parable of talents because you're putting so many of your talents to work. You are a mother, you're an author, you're a minister, you're a psychotherapist, and you're also working in the entertainment industry. Would you tell us more about how you became involved in working as a production therapist? Yes. I love this question too, because when I think about what you just said about us utilizing all of our gifts and talents, I am really giving God all of the praise and glory for how he's kept me and allowed me to have time to heal and be undone, right? It's no timetable to healing for me. I was in therapy consistently for a year, and I even tell people now I'm a therapist with a therapist. I still see my therapist every Thursday at 1 p.m. right? That's a part of my self-care and my wellbeing, so now I have the opportunity to give back to all of the communities that's been a part of my healing. So. Right? So my faith has been a part of my healing. My family, my community has been a part of my healing. Therapy has been a part of my healing. The arts have been a part of my healing. So there were times when I couldn't get out of the bed. But I will watch my favorite comfort show. I still watch all of my shows from the 90s, right? I love Living Single. I love Different World. I still watch a lot of these old school 90s shows, and I always wondered, who's taking care of the storytellers, who's taking care of the individuals that are entertaining us, and not just those in front of the camera, but those behind the scenes as well. I said this earlier, the mind is one of the most powerful parts of our beings, but it's also the most fragile. When you think about this art form, they're utilizing their vessels, their bodies, their minds, their hearts, their souls to transform into these characters that sometimes take them to places psychologically that they may not be able to pull themselves out of. So Michael B Jordan, he played Killmonger in Black Panther, and he sat down with Oprah and said after he taped that, his family said, you're a little cold, you're a little distant. He was disassociated because he said, he became this character in his psyche, in his words, his language, how he communicated with others. He became this person. So he didn't de-role from the role. So I said, wait a minute, where's the mental health support in this? Where's the mental health support? So myself and a few others in the industry, we came together and we co-founded the Production Wellness House, where we provide mental health support for not only the talent, not only the actors, but also the crew members, those behind the scenes, because people see lights, camera, action and you have no clue what's happening behind the scenes. So again, that quote by Dr. Maya Angelou, that says as soon as healing takes place, you go out and you heal somebody else. So I'm not just using my gifts in the clinical setting. I'm not just using my gifts in the churches. I'm not just using my gifts in the community. I'm also using my gifts in the entertainment industry because we know the power of media. We know the power of storytelling. So when we foster these conversations around mental health and caring for yourselves, then these entertainers, even in sports, I'm in the sports, you know, arena as well, they're going out and they're communicating and they're sharing their lived experiences. And then guess who gets impacted by that? Our communities. You know, this is fantastic. And I would offer to you that as I think about, you know, broadcast media, and I think about that person that's behind the camera, to your point, that's shooting a story or covering a story and some of the stories that they cover, we see what can be shown on the afternoon or evening news, but they see so much more. It would be interesting to explore what therapy could look like for that segment of the industry including the work that you're doing. I love this. You said it's the Production Wellness House. Did I get that right? Production Wellness House. That's awesome. That is awesome. So, as we think about that and as you look at that work, what impact do you think you are having as a production therapist that is available on sets? One of the things that I just was thinking about is I sat down with an actress, Teri J. Vaughn, and we were talking about the intersection of mental health and entertainment industry, and she asked me a question, and tears welled up in my eyes when she asked this question. She said, when I found out about the work that you're doing, I said, what took so long? Mmm. What took so long? Because it's time to humanize the individuals behind the role. A lot of times you're just a number on a call sheet. You're just the crew member for the day. But you have families, you have experiences, and you bring those experiences onto set. So to have someone like myself in there, there are a lot of other licensed mental health professionals that are coming into this space. It shows that care is needed in an industry that a lot of times it's an afterthought. Compassion should be prioritized. Knowing that my well-being is important to the directors, to the producers, that is so important. And that causes people to show up better. It causes them to show up better because they know that they're deserving of being prioritized. And they're also being respected as a human being. So I'm already seeing the impact that it's making. And I'm also seeing the need for having licensed mental health professionals on set because they have on set medics, the medical professionals, they have intimacy coordinators when it comes to any scenes around intimacy to make sure that safety is present and boundaries are being applied and respected. But the mind, the mind, again, you're transforming yourself into another character in the psyche. And sometimes the mind can't differentiate between a reality and a fallacy. So having someone like myself on these sets, I'm already seeing the impact because I'm seeing the conversations are changing, that care is coming into the industry, that compassion is being met, and that is something that has long been neglected. You know what? Kudos to you. And, also, I would say that your work is also able to challenge the industry to say you can do better and you can be better. So, you know, I appreciate you. We appreciate you challenging the industry to do better and be better. I love that you said that because that's something that someone said recently to me. They said, Candace, do you know you are a disruptor? And I said, disrupter? They said, you're disrupting our systems. You are shifting the landscape of the industry to say, whoa, people should be cared for in this way. So you're disrupting systems, and it's an honor to be a part of it. It's bigger than me. It's bigger than the Production Wellness House. We want to see everyone in this industry be cared for. We shouldn't have to wait until there's another crisis to respond because it's such a reactive industry. But us being proactive and having these practices and standards in place and it being, not optional, but mandatory. Yeah, yeah, this is so critically important. And, you know, we're so happy to see that you're doing it. And as we look to wrap up our conversation today, Candace, one of, I hope will be many, by the way, what are some key insights you could share around suicide prevention? And what should our listeners keep in mind if they're interacting with someone who is experiencing suicidal ideation? Yeah. Now being almost six years on the other side of alcoholism, six years since that last bout of depression and having that suicidal intent, meeting people where they are is something that I know NAMI puts a lot of emphasis around. And it's so true, is first giving people space to breathe and heal and not putting a timetable on it because none of our experiences, though shared, are the same. So not putting a timetable on people's healing, because sometimes you love people so much, you want to prematurely push them to the other side, but that can cause more harm than good. So being able to check your capacity and say, how can I show up for this individual? For me, I had people show up by taking care of my children. I had people show up by saying, hey, if you need to go to therapy, what do you need help with in your day so that you don't miss this appointment? Right? Allowing people to be transparent and not judging them for it. Suicide is not selfish. Suicide is not selfish. So to be there for others, you first have to check any biases that you may have within yourself so that you're not projecting those biases onto others and allowing them to know that they deserve to give tomorrow another chance, not the extension of who they are. Yes, they may be--because for me, I was the encourager. I was the light, I was the mother. I was all of these things. But before that, Candace, first. I'm Candace first. So Candace deserved to live to get to another chance so that she can be there for her children so that she can be there for her community. So meeting people where they are, allowing them to be undone and not okay, knowing that it's okay not to be okay, knowing that suicide is not selfish. Checking your own capacity and ability to be there for them. Right? I may can't pick you up and take you to therapy, but hey, I can cook you a meal, I can-- What can I do within my limitations to be there for you during this time? Having resources on hand, right? If you think that someone is suicidal, ask the question directly. Don't think because you're asking the question, you're putting the thought of suicide into their minds. No. Ask the question directly and be prepared with resources to say, okay, I can take you to this place. We can call 988. And yesterday was just 988 Day. Right? We can, you know, find a licensed mental health professional in our community. But again, even those faith-based leaders, having resources, having a response in responding, have love and care and empathy and not judgment or responding out of your own experiences. Getting people the help that they need by meeting them where they are. You know what, Candace, you are such an ambassador for us from the standpoint of you know, yes, we say one of our mantras is "meet people where they are, not where you want them to be," where they are. The other one is "you are not alone." You know, as you've navigated this and thinking about a moment in time, is there anything you wish someone had said to you or done for you when you were in that headspace? I think now, looking back, for some they did the best that they can with what it is that they knew of, you know, the situation. I think the biggest thing, and it wasn't until after I started being honest about, you know, where I was again, because again, this was, I had two, two attempts and then in 2019, it was the intent, right, the intent to take my life, is giving myself that time to not be okay. Initially, you know, because of societal norms and cultural preferences, it's like, you don't have time and that be okay. You have to be this strong woman. You have to take care of these children. You have to suck it up and get it together. And I think having that space was life-changing for me. So giving me that space to not be okay because I wasn't just dealing with what was happening in the present. I also was facing years of untreated depression, years of suppressed pain. So it took some time for me to just jump back into that bubbly, you know, bubbly Candace, that everyone, knew and loved. It took some time. And given those around you that permission to take their time in healing because again, when you prematurely push people through their healing journeys, it can cause more harm than good. And sometimes people push because they're uncomfortable instead of allowing the person to receive the help that they need in the timing in which they need it. So for me, in the initial phases of that, after December 2019, that's when everything shifted around me and we started fostering conversations and fostering these conversations have shifted for me personally, and my bloodline, shifted from generational trauma to generational healing, because now we're having these conversations. But initially just space. Space. Space to not be okay, space to be undone, and space to say I'm still this amazing woman. I'm still this amazing minister, this amazing mother, this amazing clinician. I'm still amazing. But right now I'm not okay. Right now, I'm hurting. Right now, Candace needs to have time to heal so that she can continue. And that is why I love having these conversations. Because I believe that transparency heals. And I hope that someone sees this, hears this, because I hear it all the time. You don't look like someone that battled alcoholism. You don't look like someone that was in drug and alcohol treatments programs. You don't look like someone who's been arrested. You don't look like someone who would attempt to take their lives. And I'm like, what does it look like? There's no look. These are just clothes. This is just makeup. There's no look. So every time we share our stories, you never know who's on the other side listening, who's on the other side saying, wait a minute, I'm not alone in this. So every time I speak, I'm grabbing someone else's hand and saying come on, you can get to the other side, and I'm not going to rush into the other side, but I'm going to hold your hand through this. So I'm hoping in this conversation, someone feels that we're holding their hand through this to say there's life on the other side of your experiences. You just have to continue to give tomorrow another chance. We can worry about next week. Let's just get to tomorrow. Let's just get to tomorrow. And this is so powerful. You know, as we're talking about this, I wanted to ask you, our last question that we ask every one of our guests. The world can be a difficult place, Candace, and sometimes it can be hard to hold on to hope. That's why with each episode, we dedicate the last couple of minutes of our podcast to a special segment called Hold On to Hope. Would you tell us what helps you hold on to hope? What now helps me hold onto hope are these two amazing boys that call me Mommy. Like I said, there was a time where it didn't seem like they was enough, right? They wasn't enough to hold on for. Because I started to believe those thoughts that life would be better without me. But every time they achieve or they say something funny, or they run in at the end of the day and tell me about all the amazing experiences they had at school, every time it heals another part of me. It heals another part of me, because I know that there was a moment that I didn't want to be here, to be able to experience this joy with them. So now they give me hope in myself. I'm anchored in hope. So now what gives me hope is the mentality of, Candace, you're deserving of living, not just existing. And for the longest time I thought I wasn't worthy of this. This joy, this abundant joy, this life that I'm blessed to live. I didn't think I was deserving of it, but I realized that if I continue to place myself last, that could have been the end of me. But now that I'm seeing that I'm rooted and anchored in hope, that my children are rooted and anchored and hope, is the beginning of me. So I just shared recently, last year, I just turned 37 so the year before, 35, I would say, is the first time, Dan, at 35 that I really felt like, Candace, you're living and you're living with so much hope, with so much joy, with so much love. And you no longer have to pretend that you have it because you're anchored in it. So I no longer have to wear this mask. And that is what gives me hope, is that I finally took the mask off and I left it off. So now my children get to experience this version of me, this healthy vessel, they get to experience it. And I do too. And that's what gives me hope. You know, I've written down so many notes I had to put on my reading glasses so I can go back to my notes, Candace, thank you. And to your boys, you know, give your mom a big hug when you when you hear this. Just know what you mean to her. And, as we talk about this, I just wanted to say that you mentioned something, "You are worthy and anchored in hope." I wanted to repeat those for our listeners and, you know, years of untreated depression and some of the other things that you talked about that you weren't living, you were existing, and some of the other things that you navigated here and the intersectionality of faith and mental health. And you mentioned generational trauma. You mentioned cognitive distortions. Societal norms. You know, I wrote something down as I wrote all of that down. You know, I wrote down "rinse and renew," and I don't know where that came from. And I don't know how it manifested itself in our conversation, but I absolutely wrote down "rinse and renew." It's easier said than done, but that renewal does come if you have hope. So I just wanted to mention that as kind of my summary of, you know, really listening to our conversation and actively listening to you, mom, author, minister and veteran. So, I mean, wow. And like you said, if they looked at your book, they would say "you?" "You? No." And what you shared is, yeah. So thank you for being so real, being so authentic. And as I wrap up, let me just say this has been Hope Starts With Us, a podcast by NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness. If you are looking for mental health resources, you are not alone. To connect with the NAMI helpline and find local resources, visit NAMI.org/help. Text "helpline" to 62640 or dial 800-950-NAMI, which is 62640 or if you are experiencing an immediate suicide, substance use, or mental health crisis, please call or text 988 to speak with a trained support specialist or visit 988lifeline.org. I'm Dan Gillison, your host. Thank you for listening and be well.