B is for Bisexual
The author, Laura P. Valtorta, reads stories about America and queer romance from her short story collection, B is for Bisexual.
B is for Bisexual
Christmas Witch
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With Bobbert back in the U.S. from the commune in Mexico, Marge and her new friend, Agnes, get sick of Bobbert's company pretty quickly and her constant stories about mezcal and the mezcalẽra, Carmen. When will Bobbert return to the commune? When can Agnes and Marge be alone?
B is for Bisexual - short stories by Laura P. Valtorta
Greetings, I'm Laura Pucha Voltorta. It's December and we're finally getting some cold weather here in South Carolina. Some people call it South Kakalaki. I'm kind of enjoying the weather. You know, 50s Fahrenheit. I am a content creator and my movies include Bermuda and Disaster Man and also The Disease Detective Looks at Aphasia. All available on Amazon, Fossum, and Tubi. A big shout out to our listeners in Germany, Los Angeles, and Great Britain. You know, I wish that all the streaming channels would pay as much as Amazon. We make the films, we deserve to get paid more. Welcome to a new episode of my podcast B is for Bisexual. This is a story entitled Christmas Witch. We're getting festive here during the winter solstice. As always, my family is here helping me read the story. We have my son Dante.
SPEAKER_03Hello! Merry Christmas.
SPEAKER_00And my husband Marco. Buongiorno! After we read the story, I'll tell you about some exciting developments in screenwriting. And now, Christmas witch. Agnes was the kind of witch who opened her mouth and train noises came out. A lonely midnight horn and that chugga chugga sound of the track. Chugga chugga chugga chugga too chugga chugga chugga chugga too. She'd been spending her time in Chapin, South Carolina, campaigning to get some passenger trains up and running. Now that this project was partly underway, with train lines running several days, times a day back and forth between Columbia and Charleston, she decided to relocate to Aniston, Alabama at the request of Sally Rutherford, Democratic Socialist and a big fan of the late British actor Margaret Rutherford. Sally wanted Agnes to move south to enable Alabamians to travel around more easily since gas prices were so high and people in general could not afford vacations anymore. A day trip to Atlanta without dragging the car along could easily lift anyone's spirits. There was the High Museum, for example. There was the rejuvenated Atlanta Underground. Sally suggested that Agnes rent an apartment from her good friend Marge, a fellow activist who lived in Aniston. Marge's living situation turned out to be more interesting than Agnes had bargained for. Marge's best friend Bobert had driven up from her commune in Mexico and the two women were sharing a bedroom. But it was the communal life that Agnes wanted to hear about. So we grown vegetables and mezcal, Bobert explained, her head decorated with tin can curlers from garanzo beans.
SPEAKER_03Processing the agave is fun, involves donkeys. Explained Bobert. I lost a lot of weight doing that work.
SPEAKER_00Bobert still looked pretty hefty to Agnes, but she but she expressed congratulations on the weight loss and asked, who lived with Bobert on the commune? Um Marge's son Peebles. Said Bobert, counting on her fingers.
SPEAKER_03His boyfriend Oliver, Oliver's wife Celadine and their twins, Honey and Bunny, Celadine's lover Lavinia, myself, Diesel who dates honey, and sometimes here and there a mezcalero named Carmen. Bobert winked. Carmen is a special friend of mine.
SPEAKER_00Wow, said Agnes. Who were all these people? And what was Bobert doing back in Alabama if her interests lay with Carmen, the Mezcal what's it? Marge rolled her eyes and went out to work in the garden. To Agnes, Marge didn't look especially happy to see Bobbert, but Marge was never extremely happy. Sally Rutherford had informed her that Marge's face was lost in a scrubby frown most of the time, except when she was cooking, gardening, or talking about her plans for defeating the current military regime in the US. At those times Marge beamed. At those times Marge's face lit up like a neon sign. Ask her about her plans for the train system, said Sally. That will encourage Marge to smile. At dinner, Agnes asked about it. We want to have a big union running these trains, said Marge. And we want them to pay paid, right? With health insurance. The people need cheaper, easier transportation. So they will get on the trains and read our signs and take home our brochures. Agnes nodded. And you can imagine what those brochures will say, concluded Marge, her face flashing with the light. Agnes could imagine, so she attended the next Democratic Socialist of America meeting below the bar in Aniston with a chili cook off sign that was moved to a new place to signal where each meeting was held. Bobert arrived at the meeting with Marge. Want some mezcal? she asked, passing around a bottle. It had a donkey on the front and was called Celadine Mezcal. That stuff is too strong for me, said Dominguez, the bearded building contractor, refusing the bottle. I'll take a swig, said Emily, who wore a flowered dress and worked as a librarian. She took a huge gulp, and her eyes went rounder. Woo we'd better watch yourself, said Sally. I want to introduce to everyone Marge's friend Bobert from Oaxaca, Mexico, and Agnes Quatroki from South Carolina. Agnes is a passenger train organizer and I invited her here. Agnes stood up to deliver her spiel about passenger trains, cheap transportation, and how the trains could be solar powered. She said the price of tickets could be kept low by government subsidies. The noise, she said, would be pleasant and minimal. How much noise are you talking about? asked Bobert. Agnes opened her mouth and let out a train whistle. Bobber, who rose to her feet in astonishment, acted impressed. Sally clapped her hands. Marge just smiled and squeezed her eyes shut. The longer Agnes stayed in Anniston, the more she wished to get rid of Bobert. This woman did not belong in the States. She was enamored of Mexico, and Agnes was enamored of Marge. Marge was a silent steady type. She was slow to learn and long to forget. Whoever had taught her to garden, to make a pie, to keep a house in order, had taught her well. Who taught you all of this? asked Agnes, scanning the kitchen with her hands. My mother, said Marge. She was a smiling, patient woman. Bobert, on the other hand, was nervous, ready for adventure. She learned quickly and always hungered for more.
SPEAKER_03When I get back to Oaxaca, said Bobbert, I'm gonna ask my mixtech friends to teach me rug weaving.
SPEAKER_00How will you have time? asked Marge sarcastically. With the mezcal harvest and everything. There are seasons for everything, said Bobert. Even in hot, hot Mexico. Agnes found this quickness fun and she found it entertaining, but she did not want to live with it. When Bobert was around, life became fiery and itchy, and she was always talking seductively about Carmen, the Mezcalera. This was just to get Marge's jealousy engines running, but Marge would not ignite. You should bring Carmen here, Marge replied in a steady voice. Sure how we do things in America. Mexico is America said Barbara haughtily as though she had already given up on the US. Agnes could not wait for Bobber to leave. If Agnes were to indulge in witchcraft, she would give Bobert a horrible itchy rash and the notion it would probably go away in Mexico. She could give Bobbert a terrible hankering for Mexican soup and real Mexican music, but at the age of five hundred and sixty seven, Agnes was done with jealousy games and done with childish tricks. She wanted to win Marge honestly by proving her own work. I'm not good at cooking, she told Marge, but I'm willing to learn. Marge stared at her hard with no signs of appreciation.
SPEAKER_02I do know how to knit and crochet.
SPEAKER_00Marge raised one eyebrow. This small sign of approbation caused Agnes to shop at Walmart for some textured yarn and some large wooden needles, two sets size nine. She showed the purchases to Marge.
SPEAKER_02We should knit to defeat the president, she told Marge.
SPEAKER_00Marge smiled, a rare beaming face. Yeah, let's knit up some big signs. Agnes thought that large knit placards with letters stitched into them such as down with the dictatorship or no fascism would be particularly portable and durable, resistant to rain and hot weather, also washable. Marge suggested freedom. They set to work in the evenings after dinner. Do you want to help us knit? Agnes offered to Bobert. No gracias.
SPEAKER_03Said Bobbert. After work is my TV time. I watch a lot of TV in Mexico, but it's kind of relaxing to see something in English for a kid.
SPEAKER_00After about 15 minutes of the voice, Bobert dozed off. Agnes shut off the television and continued knitting signs with Marge. By the time Christmas rolled around, Bobert was noticeably bored. All you ever do is knit. She complained to Marge. The sign for chili cook-off is popular for our group, said Marge. Now I've gotta make one that says freedom. Just as long as you don't forget the Christmas dinner, said Bobert.
SPEAKER_03I'm hankering for some cranberry sauce.
SPEAKER_01Why don't you sit over there and read something by Chimamanda Adiche? said Agnes. Or Mark Twain. I'm doing I'm more for doing things than reading, said Bobert.
SPEAKER_00She went to turn on the television. Christmas dinner was a delectable feast. Marge prepared bacon chicken with stuffing, pumpkin pie, green bean casserole, a salad, and mashed potatoes. The cooking took all day, with Agnes and Bobert watching and Marge doing all the work. The eating took twenty minutes, and then everything was gone.
SPEAKER_03Wow, that was delicious, said Bobert. Celadine and Bunny try their best, but they cannot cook as good as you, Marge. She stood up and gave Marge a hug.
SPEAKER_01I'm gonna watch some soccer on TV. Agnes observed all of this. Why don't you go and relax with Bobert while I clean up the dishes? You don't have to do that, said Marge. You're a guest. I want to help, said Agnes. You've given me a place to stay for more than a month.
SPEAKER_00Marge and Agnes cleaned up the kitchen together. On boxing day, Bobert rolled her suitcase downstairs. She was dressed in a purple sweatsuit. Marge and Agnes were eating leftover pie for breakfast. Can I take the car? said Bobert. I'm driving back to Oaxaca.
SPEAKER_03That's Kia's soul is my car, said Marge. 2019 model. Should be worth about a thousand dollars. Said Bobert. Can I buy it from you for that?
SPEAKER_00Two thousand, said Marge. I might need to get me a Tesla truck. Oh Marge, said Agnes, horrified. The Democratic Socialists might not like that. Why? said Marge. My money, my choice.
SPEAKER_03If you're gonna keep around here, Agnes, you're gonna need to follow Marge's rules.
SPEAKER_00The three women laughed. And they hugged each other before Barbart went on her way back to Mexico. That's the end of our story. Now, dear listener, I have some exciting news. I learned recently that my pilot screenplay set in Italy, Pastitto Rio Fausto, the pilot for a limited series, has gotten a couple of prizes. One in the Los Angeles Television Writing Festival, finalist, and one in the Veil Screenplay Festival, quarter finalist so far. But we hope it goes higher than that. I'm looking forward to attending both those festivals in 2026. Ciao! I'm even here.