The Curating Creativity Podcast

TheCuratingCreativityPodcastEpisode5: D*ckmatized

In this episode Dr. Lori, Creativity Coach, Board Certified Ob/GYN and Reproductive Endocrinology and Infertility Specialist, Filmmaker, Writer, Director, Actor, Artist shares her storytelling essay  Sean, that got her into film school.  She shares that we creatives want to get our voices heard and have a burning desire to leave something behind that says we were here.  What better way than writings, music, acting, or film. 












The Curating Creativity Podcast Episode5


Mon, Oct 3, 2022 . 10:23 AM

21:28


SUMMARY KEYWORDS
divorce, shawn, husband, sean, worried, wrote, hand, looked, lori, googled, storytelling, guilty, texted, weekend, sex, poems, read, eyes, melanie, emotional

Speaker 1
0:29
Hey creatively constipated Welcome to the curating creativity podcast. Thank you for joining. This is your host, Dr. Lori, creativity coach, board certified OBGYN reproductive endocrinology and infertility specialist, filmmaker, writer, artist, comedian, humorist, all the creative things. So I'm going to do something a little bit different today. We've been I've been telling you a little bit more about me. But I want to tell you about what I wrote to get into film school. So I did mention that after I got to force I started doing stand up comedy and storytelling. And I found that storytelling is what I do. I'm not a joke, joke person. I am someone who likes to tell stories. And I think that's another reason why I'm in film, school. And stories are how we are wired as human beings. From the time we used to sit around the campfire, or sit around the fire back in ancient times to now we connect with each other on emotional and spiritual levels through stories. So I took a storytelling class, and the instructor was with story, Khaled Cleveland. And the instructor said, Write something you don't want to talk about. And I was like, huh, my whole life. So I wrote a story about the first man I was involved with, as I was legally separated from my husband and getting a divorce. Now, mind you, I was not feeling that great about myself initially, until I started running, which made me feel super powerful. And then I was also working out with a trainer three days a week doing weight training. So I was looking great. And I started to feel great about myself. And I met this man actually on a on an airplane. When I was going to the day, I was going to tell my now ex husband that I wanted a divorce. So I'm just gonna read this to you. I've titled it Shawn, that wasn't actually his name. And I'm gonna read a little preference first. And maybe I'll try to act it out, like my acting teacher says. So I'm going to start, one of the things I learned during and soon after my divorce is that the first person you should have a relationship with is yourself. Although loneliness, loneliness may propel you into a relationship, that will be hard, painful lessons, because you haven't healed yet. Have you found this to be true? Here's the experience with the first man I was involved with after my divorce. I wrote it during during a storytelling workshop and performed it a few times since then. In February of 2011, I was sitting in the window seat on a Delta 737 to Atlanta going to a friends and family weekend at my kids colleges. And I was going to tell my husband, I wanted a divorce. It took several years in therapy for me to come to this decision. I finally understood that his criticism, I was too sensitive and overreacting. Why did I think I could be a writer, I was selfish, the scorn and belittlement belittlement when I told him I was beyond tired and even suicidal, and his constant reminder that he was the only one that wanted me were emotional and verbal abuse. When the verbal abuse escalated into his hands around my neck. I knew divorce was the right decision. But I was still a wreck sniffling and wiping my eyes, smearing my mascara. This was supposed to be a fun weekend. Instead, I was going to demolish my family. This brown skinned guy in a Kangol hat black turtleneck, blue jeans and a black leather jacket sat next to me in the IOC. Through tears I noticed he was attractive and athletically built. He was cramped in the seat, his right thigh unavoidably touched my left knee. I looked at the window trying not to cry. He said,
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Speaker 1
5:24
hello. I said, hi. I had my moleskin notebook open on my lap. I've been writing bad sentimental poems about r&b songs like we ain't Tammy and Marvin. Ain't no hot mountain high enough. And Beyonce She must not know about me. He asked, Are you okay? I said, No. I wasn't okay. I never wanted to be divorced like my mother aren't. However, there's a Tyler Perry movie called I can do bad all by myself. I figured my life couldn't be any worse. If I was all by myself, though, I always said if a man ever looked at me sideways, I would leave. I stayed married to my husband. I did physically leave and he made me feel like a disorder. I was now living in my mother's basement. I always dreamed of being married. And my high school memory book I wrote, I would be an engineer married living in a mansion with my husband and two kids. I hated engineering and went to medical school. Our first mansion in Pittsburgh was an 11,000 square foot Colonial Revival on a hill with a heated driveway swimming pool and a car garage. However, in six months, we were on our way to emotional and financial bait bankruptcy. Living in rural Georgia. In a two story rented brick low country style house on a two lane highway, a red clay dirt road on the right, trailer park on the left and cotton fields. He asks what's wrong? I said, you really don't want to hear a sob story, do you? I'm listening. He said. You can be intimate with strangers on planes because you probably won't see them again. I said, I'm going to tell my husband I want a divorce. He leaned over and looked into my eyes. His eyes were dark brown with gold flecks. He had long black eyelashes. I'm divorced. It's been about a year. By the way. My name is Shawn. I looked down at my notebook, fingering the pages. I'm Laurie. What's that you're writing? Shawn? As I said, sad, really bad love poems. Can I read one? I hesitate. There was blood on the page. My husband never read any of my poems, but appreciated the persuasive business letters I wrote for him. I handed Shawn the notebook. You think you know about me but you don't. I am brand new. Laser piercing I see everything. I have a nose for shit, stinging and wounding word spray from my mouth. I mean what I say and do it to my spine is rigid and strong. I run on the razor's edge. I jump into fires. Like Kaylee. I demolish worlds to get what I want to get what I deserve. Sean looked into my eyes again. That was powerful. He handed my notebook back to me. I closed it. Thank you. Shawn said, you know, Laurie, I can help you through the divorce. You're going to need someone to talk to that understands. Shawn reached into his back pocket and pulled out his wallet. He took out his business card and handed it to me. Call me anytime. I thought of the song call me by the band sky. Why did you get divorce? My ex cheated on me. I wanted to kill her and the dude. I even planned it. Talking to my dad stopped me from doing something stupid.
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Speaker 1
9:20
I haven't had sex with my husband and almost two years. I didn't know why I volunteered that information. The last two years of our 23 year marriage. Whenever my husband touched me my skin crawled. Sean's eyes were wide really? Well, you know if you're going to ask him for a divorce, you have to give him some. I laughed. I also had hot flashes and no desire. I began to think this was normal. I resigned myself to a miserable marriage sexless life. I wanted to make it to my silver wedding anniversary, though after this weekend. I knew I wasn't going to To be polite, I put Shawn's card in my wallet. I had no intention of calling him. Then I had one of the worst weekend's of my life. asking my husband for divorce didn't go as planned. In the past, I took him at his word. He had always said if we get divorce, he didn't want anything for me. But his charismatic, robust man growled like a wounded Grilli. Grizzly. You think you're going to get out of this without paying? When I said we haven't been happy for a long time I want to divorce. He reminded me again, nobody is going to want you. I thought we'd have a conciliatory collaborative divorce. My husband said, I'm not collaborating on shit. I was afraid to sleep on the floor next. I was afraid and I slept on the floor next to the king sized bed in our hotel room. I listened to him snore all night. I told the kids about the divorce. They were angry that I ruined friends and family weekend. But my daughter accused me of waiting until they were in college to ask for a divorce. So I wouldn't have to pay child support. Before the weekend was over. My husband was offering to go to counseling. I said it's too late. I went back to Cleveland. My husband starts sending me texts and emails Bible verses about Naomi and Ruth Samson and Delilah . I filed for divorce and got a restraining order. I marked his emails as spam and blocked phone calls. I started training for a half marathon. Running made me feel powerful in discipline. I hired a personal trainer. I've always looked younger than my age now I felt younger. I continued therapy. Was I doing the right thing. Maybe I was just a bill. April came and I wanted to go to a concert to see the r&b singer Kim. None of my friends could go. I came across Sean's business card in my wallet. I called my best friend Melanie. I'm about to Texas guy met on the plane and asked him to the Kim concert. She said Okay, girl. Immediately Shawn texted back. I've been waiting for you to contact me. I was like, wow. Sean said he could go he met me in the lobby of the State Theater. my underarms who are more moist like I'd never been on a date before. Sean was a tall drink of water I remembered. Dressed in a casual shirt and pants I tried not to stare. I began having palpitations. Now my palms and groin were moist too. He placed his hand in the small of my back, guiding me to our seats. I kept forgetting to breathe. When I did, I was intoxicated by a smell. Black man mixed with spices citrus, citrus and vivid air. I wondered if Shawn could tell this was the first time I'd been on a date with another man and 25 years. During the concert I was worried about burping farting my breath smelling bad, or saying something stupid. Shawn tapped his feet to the music. He didn't try to hold my hand or put his arm around me like my husband did on our first date.
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Speaker 1
13:35
After the concert, Shawn walked me to my car. My eyes took in all six feet four inches of him. He was taller than my husband opening my car door for me. He said, Call me when you get home. I did. A few days later we were on the phone making plans to have sex like it was a science project. Sean said In the year since this divorce, he hadn't had sex. We decided he would come to my place and cook me dinner. I provided the wine. After our conversation I began wearing worrying. I worried about my vagina. I was postmenopausal. I worried I'd be dry and sex would hurt. I got Melanie to prescribe vaginal estrogen. She's an OB GYN like me. I needed to wait two weeks for the estrogen to work. I didn't tell Shawn this. I worried I forgotten how to kiss. I Googled how to kiss. I started practicing on my hand. I worried about foreplay. I googled foreplay. You can't practice floor play by yourself. I worried he won't might want me to suck his dick. The only dick I'd ever sucked was my husband's I worried he might think my breasts were too big my belly too fat and my ass too flat. I worried I didn't have any sexy lingerie. I bought a black lace of demi bra and panty set and some Gucci Guilty perfume because I was going to be guilty. The evening that Sean came over I texted Melanie, Sean and I are going to have sex. If you don't hear from me in 24 hours contact the police. She texted back, have fun and be careful girl. 

I took a shower and sprayed guilty on the back of my neck, lower back. Belly button and behind my knees. Yes, I googled that too. I wore the black lace bra and panties under buttoned down shirt leaving a few buttons open showing cleavage and skinny jeans. Sean was on time. I met him at the door to my building. God he smelled good and looked good. Same leather jacket a white t shirt, hugged his chest and abs. He had a six pack. His jeans were just fidgety now showing off his butt. I couldn't walk straight. I fumbled with the keys to my door. Once inside, he'd hand me did handed me his coat and hat. I hung them up in my hall closet. Shawn still didn't kiss me. My panties were already wet and it wasn't because I had coughed too hard. In the kitchen, I showed him where the pots and pans were hoping he didn't notice my hands trembled. I watched him cook. When we talked to what we talked about. I don't remember. After the meal was done and prepared. We looked at each other and said we weren't hungry. He pulled me to him bending down kissing me. We kiss slow and long. Like we both had been on a sexual starvation diet. Soon we were undressed in my bed. My mind screamed Guilty, guilty guilty. But thoughts stopped. For the next four hours. We did it. Afterwards. While he was laying on his back knocked out. I texted Melanie mind blowing sex. I won't be able to walk tomorrow. I got back in bed and snuggled up to him. A few hours later we woke up famish eating microwave scampi. I told Sean about the vaginal estrogen. He laughed saying you didn't need it. Your pussy just needed me. He was right. I like to say this ended well. My divorce was final on Halloween. I drank a bottle of moet and Chandon. 2006 by myself, sleep overs, phone calls and texts stopped. I finally Googled Shawn and discovered he was a registered sex offender. Yeah. Fortunately, his fight to overturn his wrongful convictions was successful. He's no longer on the registry. I now Google everyone I date. Much later, I found out he was an alcoholic. For the next three years, Shawn was in and out of my life. Good Dick will have you thinking you are in love. My friends and I call it being dignitize during one of our Onegin spells, he said when he first saw me at the airport, he decided he was going to fuck me. Shawn always showed up when I started dating someone else. My other best friend Brandon Brandon said he had Gaidar or guy radar. Shawn was in recovery and sober the last time we tried the relationship thing again. We lasted eight months, enough time for me to write his term papers. A paper I wrote was so good. His professor had Shawn read it out loud in the class. We got A's before he disappeared and ghosted me the last time he texted, save yourself. And that's what I'm doing. Yeah, that was real and truth. And I think one of the things about creativity is when you're trying to get your creative babies out in the world, it's because you have something to say. And you want your voice to be heard be heard. 

My acting teacher gave me a book is called the right to be heard, because he heard something in my voice. That was kind of like a catch, he said, and maybe it was myself. Maybe I was censoring myself, which I think I learned to do growing up. Especially not talking back to my mother, and then also being in medicine. So if you're ready to get your creative babies out into the world World if you're ready to have your voice heard, if you're ready to have your writings read, if you're ready to be seen on stage, if you're just ready and you want to leave something behind because we're all going to die. I hate to say that but it's the truth. Then Direct Message me Dr. Lori at Rxpadpoet on Instagram, or Lori  (Lori-Linell,) Hollins, on Facebook, and on LinkedIn. Thanks for listening, and hope to hear from you soon. This is Dr. Lori at  The Curating Creativity Podcast

21:28