*Soberversary Special* Three Years Sober: The Best Decision of My Life

In this week’s episode, Nadine reflects on why she got sober, offers tips for getting and maintaining sobriety, and why getting sober was the BEST decision of her life. After three years of being alcohol-free, Nadine shares wisdom she’s acquired along the way. 

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Transcript

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Hello, hello, hello! Welcome to The Sober Butterfly. I'm your host, Nadine Molvina. And today I'm very happy to report that It is my soberversary. I have been sober for three official years three years ago I decided that I no longer wanted to drink alcohol. Not even that I no longer wanted, even the wanting and willingness are very important. It was more so I could not, like I knew that my life was unmanageable. I knew that my life was chaotic and I knew I wanted better for myself. So three years ago, So I got sober and this is a little bit about my story. I'll be sharing some tips and benefits as to why getting sober has been the greatest life choice I've ever made. Let's get into it. People often ask me, Nadine, are you an alcoholic? Because when you tell people you don't drink, immediately, they assume that you have a problem. Right? You're the problem. Not alcohol. You're the problem. Therefore, you can no longer drink because you're an alcoholic. And I hate the framing of that because it positions the person who really is the victim, as the perpetrator. I would rather tell myself that I have a problem with alcohol, admit that to myself, than delude myself into believing that I could be a normal drinker because I've never been a normal drinker. So I believe that alcohol. use disorder is a spectrum. I believe that because science tells us that it is a spectrum, meaning it's very easy to self diagnose where you are, which is great because, you have to do the deep reflection and the introspection to know and be honest with yourself about where you fall on that alcohol use spectrum. However, it's also really easy to tell yourself maybe that you don't have a problem when in fact you do. So at various points in my life from 13 to like 30, my addiction manifested in different ways. My first sip of alcohol was at age 13. I was at a college party with my cousin and my first sip of alcohol turned out to be my first blackout, which turned out to be my first hangover, which turned out to be my first moment of shame. And then what would catapult into years of drinking in excess and lying to myself and others about my alcohol use and how problematic it really was in my life because sometimes when you're going through it, you don't realize how many things are pointing to this idea that you have a problem with a substance, because it's really easy to delude yourself into believing that you It's fine. You got it. You have it under control. Society is also messaging this idea that there's nothing wrong with alcohol. If there's something wrong with anything or anyone, it's you. It's not the alcohol. Like, we defend alcohol. Ooh, we are the best defendants. We will go to great lengths to protect alcohol. But like, by design. Alcohol is intended for you to drink more and more and more of it. You develop a higher tolerance and next thing you know, you're like me, a daily drinker. Now, college is where things really started to get. Messy, binge drinking culture, very collegiate type of activities, like tailgating and frat parties. It was a perfect concoction for someone like me who wanted to very much reinvent themselves. And reinvent myself, I did. I very much quickly fell fast friends with a group of girls who were popular and pretty and also party girls. I was very insecure in my life. I was overweight Drinking certainly didn't help but I was overweight and all of my friends were beautiful like truly Conventionally beautiful and that's not to say that because I was 50 pounds heavier I wasn't beautiful, but I didn't feel beautiful is the point. I'm trying to make and so I wanted to be the fat, funny friend. That was my self imposed role in the group. And so the way in which I did that, fulfilled this role was by drinking I couldn't tap into this eccentricity without alcohol and so I would be the person that drank so much, I honestly don't know how I was able to drink in those great quantities and still survive to tell the tale that I'm telling today. And this was pretty much my main gig until my dad died. So in sophomore year of college, my father was murdered and so of course that came as a shock to me. And there was a huge shift, a huge life shift for me and alcohol at this point in time. So before I was like. You know, the girl that was just funny drunk, of course, putting myself in very dangerous situations, but for the most part, it was all laughs. It was always like, Oh my God, Nadine is just so crazy. We're talking bars and fake IDs and tailgates and hooking up with guys and just being silly. And then when my dad died, I naturally became extremely depressed and I used alcohol as a means to cope. I would get belligerently drunk and angry and lash out at people that I loved or, you know, didn't even know. I lost 50 plus pounds in a very short amount of time because I started to starve myself. And I just was really lost. And I also started to drink on my own, which I'd never really done before. I started to drink alone because I didn't want to feel. And Thankfully, I got myself out of that situation with time, and support, but really with time. And when I graduated college, I had both dualities that existed within me. So, fun party girl, but also in the background of my life drinking excessively because I still was grieving if I'm being honest. I think I was still grieving and so then fast forward once again alcohol use disorder is a spectrum. I moved to New York after college I got a job as a teacher I had a really, really tough first few years in the classroom, and I used alcohol to deal with that. As a young professional in New York, I very much fit the archetype of the type of young professional who works really hard, but also plays really hard. And so I thought that was totally normal because I was surrounded with people who also identified with similar patterns of drinking that I did. I discovered wine, and like the sophistication of wine, like I became a little wino, even though I was on a very measly teacher salary, I would spend a big bulk of that buying wine and at first it was like, Oh, I'm into it because I want to learn how How to be sort of like a sommelier connoisseur. Um, but the reality is I just wanted to feel a buzz after work and, you know, drinking wine sounds better than drinking a handle of Tito's tequila. Um, so I used to drink a lot of wine. And at the time, actually, those early New York years, I lived with a girl who was sober, funny enough, and I did not like her. I did not like her. actually, I loved her. You know, when you love someone, but you don't like them? Like, that's sort of like what our relationship was or became. Her and I would like party together sometimes, less in the later years of us living together. But in early moments of us being roommates, we certainly used to have a good time together and go out. And she would always hold this position of like, I'm not judging you, but she was, she was definitely judging me. And like, probably for good reason, come to think of it. So I would drink. my normal ways of drinking and she would find that extremely problematic, but I was all like, you don't drink and you never have. And both of her parents were in recovery. So I was like, you were probably projecting your feelings towards your parents on me. And that's not cool. And I even recall at one point in our union or living together, she tried to have like a mini intervention with me. And I was not. Having it. I was like not I you're not doing this with me. It was very, passive aggressive, but also aggressive. So she was in the kitchen, going through the recycling or something like that. And the way our apartment was, like, the kitchen was, like, around a little bend. And so I could hear what was going on in the kitchen, but, I couldn't see. But I could hear her sorting through the recycling and, like, angrily clanking bottles together. And then she was just, like, Making sounds. She's like, oh, oh, like, like just so dramatic. And then I was sitting in the living room With a glass of wine actually and she came around and she's like, hey girl, and she would always say hey girl I was just like, oh my god, like what is going on? She's like, hey girl Like I was just doing the recycling and I'm noticing this is a lot of wine Is this all from this week? I'm not gonna say her name, but let's call her Sarah. I'm like, no, Sarah, I had some bottles in my room. I just took it out. I lied. Like, it was from that week. And I felt very offended that she even would call me out on that. I actually kind of blacked out the remainder of that conversation, I'm pretty sure she told me that she had noticed that my drinking had escalated and I was drinking a lot or whatever. And I was just kind of like, thanks for your concern, but mind your business. I didn't say that quite literally, but that was the essence of the conversation. So my mid to late twenties, I wasn't partying so much because I was in a relationship with someone, but I was definitely drinking daily. We were still very much immersed in not like a party crowd, but very much a crowd that were drinkers. That plus I smoked so much weed. Oh my God. My twenties pretty much, I didn't mention this before. I was in a fog. Like it was just a cloud of smoke, essentially. I smoked every day too. So I was drinking, I was smoking, um, tobacco and marijuana at this time in my life. And then he and I broke up and I went on this hot girl summer that lasted many, many moons, many summers. And it turned into a situation where I started to drink more and experiment with drugs and party party party party hard so now I'm like mid to late 20s and and Monday through Thursday drinking wine daily, smoking weed probably daily, and then Friday through Sunday, drinking hard, doing drugs, um, and Yeah, just, you're a garden variety addict that doesn't think they have a problem. I thought it was so normal because New York culture, everyone's, you know, in the bathroom doing coke. This is just literally what I tell myself. I just felt very much normalized in the circle that I kept at the time and then with the pandemic things really popped off, I'll say. My drinking did not slow down, it escalated. I went to Florida, I partied hardy, I found myself trekking across Americas, like Mexico and the U S and I, um, landed mainly in Mexico city. I partied like I was in college again, like binge drinking going out three four times a week Doing drugs just really living a fast paced lifestyle and everything came to a culmination when I Was ready to leave Mexico but basically I was in a situation where I I had the craziest, one of the craziest nights of my life, and I didn't like who I was. It was an out of body experience where I was seeing myself do these things that I didn't want to be doing and yet, I could not stop myself from doing them. And that was it. Is kind of like addiction, right? I think so many people are like, well, why don't you just stop? Why don't you just stop drinking? Why don't you just stop using and it's like if I could I would right like you think people want to ruin their lives? It was a moment that was very needed for me. And I want to say that that was the last time I ever drank or did drugs, but it wasn't. Um, but it was definitely the first time that I thought to myself, Hey, this is not going to end well. This may not end well for you if you continue on this path. So going back to that question, am I an alcoholic? Yes. Long answer short, yes. I'm an alcoholic because I cannot just have one drink. I've never been able to have just one drink and, caveat, asterisk, and be satisfied. I've never been able to just have one and be like, yes, I'm good. This is great. Everything's great. Everything's great. Right, right, right. No, like I could do it because I wanted to prove something to myself or maybe prove something to others, but I've never been happy with a drink. So yeah. I'm an alcoholic and I'm okay with that. People sometimes ask me this If you could would you like implying if you could have a drink and just be a normie or a normal drinker Would you want to and the answer is no it just doesn't make sense. If you could come up with a compelling argument for me as to why having a drink or two benefit my life in any way, then I would be open to having a discussion, maybe rethinking why I hate alcohol. But until that day comes, until someone can really present a compelling case as to why alcohol is actually good for you, it just makes no sense. Okay, so now that you've heard a little bit about my personal journey So, um, let me tell you a little bit about my journey to sobriety. Let me tell you about actually getting sober and what that looked like for me. I got sober July 5th, 2021 and best decision I've ever made in my life, which I'll get into a little bit later, but me getting sober July 5th, means that July 4th, 2021 was my last sip of alcohol. That moment I do remember. I remember once again being tired. before that 4th of July weekend, I had about a month of sobriety under my belt, which I felt really proud of because prior to that, I had tried through the aid of my therapist, I had tried to moderate alcohol and like the mental gymnastics of what video. Encompassed was not worth it. Like me trying to moderate alcohol was exhausting It was like more tiring than me just being like, you know what? let me just take a break altogether I would go out set a limit for myself. So like say two drinks per night and some nights I could do it but I was never happy I was never satisfied and then some nights I couldn't do it and then I would just walk away feeling so ashamed and like damn I messed up. I can't do this Like there's something wrong with me and I didn't like feeling like there was something wrong with me moderating wasn't working for me, so I decided to take a break from alcohol. And it is important to note here that I was not looking to become sober. Like, I wasn't trying to become a sober person. I was just looking to reset. I wanted to see how I felt from taking a break, and I didn't even have a Timeline in my mind. I think I was just sort of like, let me see how I feel. I'll keep checking in with my therapist so July 4th now 2021. I felt like crap because I had Relapsed I'll say even though it didn't feel like a relapse because once again like I was treating sobriety as a social experiment So I wasn't like, oh my god, I relapsed I was sort of like damn I drink and I said I wouldn't drink and so why is it that I can't? Do what I say I'm going to do. That's when I realized that I May need some more support that I may need to take this a little bit more seriously But prior to that moment, I was just white knuckling the entire experience I wasn't really looking at the root causes of what may have been driving me to drink. I wasn't looking at outside support, aside from my therapist, I personally didn't know anyone in my life who was sober. The roommate I had years ago, her and I weren't friends anymore. I didn't have anyone in my life that could lead or show me, by example, sobriety could look like. And certainly, Look like in terms of fun, I decided when I came back to New York, I would really try this time. Like, I would really, really try. And for me, really, really trying looked like telling people. And so this is my first tip or recommendation for anyone who's maybe seeking to get sober or take a break from alcohol. I think that you have to tell people. You have to tell people because telling people helps hold. You're self accountable, and it also helps hold them accountable. Because if I'm telling you, I'm working on this area of my life, like imagine let's take alcohol out of the equation. Imagine you're telling your best friend or your partner that you are on a diet. You were looking to lose 10 pounds and Therefore You're on a strict keto diet whatever that means. I don't know I don't do keto but the point I'm trying to make is you tell people that you're on a diet Please don't offer me junk food. Please don't offer me cookies and cakes and whatever sugar because I'm trying to stay this straight and narrow. And if people do offer me, or try and tempt you with like, Hey, I baked this, whatever for you. you're going to look at them sideways. You're going to be like, um, why are you offering this to me? And I told you quite clearly that I was not interested basically helps you. Set them up for success. I try to set other people up for success not failure so if you're holding on to the secret that you're on a diet and no one knows and they're offering you junk food and you're Just like secretly internalizing that and taking it so personally. You're like, why does no one understand me? I'm like, how could they do this to me? It's like well, baby. You didn't tell them you're on a diet So like what do you expect? They're gonna ask you if you want to go to McDonald's because you didn't communicate so you have to communicate to other people That you are seriously Taking a break from alcohol. You don't have to go into the reasons now. You don't have to like explain yourself You don't have to say I think I have a problem with alcohol. You don't have to say I'm detoxing You just have to tell people like hey, I'm not drinking So, please don't like invite me to drink or bring me alcohol because like people literally have bought me alcohol before So it's like you can't expect people to help you Or be there for you if you don't tell them what you need from them. And in terms of holding yourself accountable, it's like, if I tell you I'm on a diet, if I tell you I'm not drinking, and then I'm like, hey, do you want to go to the bar? Do you want to go to Cheesecake Factory? You're clearly not aligned, like you're saying one thing, but your actions are leading you in a different path, And so you have to make sure that the two match. And it's just nice when you have that accountability from both sides. Like I'm going to hold myself accountable. And I'm also telling people that I trust and love to hold me accountable as well. So my first tip is just tell people, like, don't worry so much about what they're going to think about you and just let them know what it is that you need from them. All right. My second tip, and This is something that I really came to understand in early sobriety, make sure that you have a set routine. This is important. You guys, seriously, you have to have a routine. You have to find ways to Reinvent yourself. I already kind of talked about this, like saying one thing but doing another thing is for naught. You need to make sure that your lifestyle aligns with your sobriety. what that looks like. In AA, there's lots of great terminology. AA meaning Alcoholics Anonymous. And I'm not telling you that you need AA or that you should go to AA. I'm just saying, like, there's lots of gems of wisdom that I constantly refer to because they're just true for many aspects of life, not just recovery or sobriety. So there's this term or this saying, which is people places things. Okay, people, places, things literally is just that., I'm going to add routines as well. You have to be aware of who you're spending your time with, people, where you're spending your time with them, places, or like where you associate certain memories of drinking not just like in terms of people you were drinking with, but like literally places as they stand. And then also things, things that may be triggering to you that will make you want to drink. You have to be super mindful in the early days of your sobriety. And it, it looks different for how long this will last for you. Like personally today, as it stands three years into my sobriety, I can go to a bar and be more of an okay. I can have a good time at a bar where everyone else is drinking. Maybe people are even drunk like it does not phase me. There are no external factors at this stage of my sobriety that can deter me or make me feel triggered to drink like because I just feel so good. It's almost like truly I was talking to my girlfriend about this last night. It's almost like entertainment for me. Value factor for me. I'm like I Sometimes low key. It's problematic. I'm a problem I like to sometimes go to these spaces like clubs and bars and whatever beach clubs because i'm like, it's funny. It's it's content I'm, not judging but i'm low key like damn like this is how I would be tenfold Like you guys aren't even doing it, right? Like you're not even partying hard enough Back to the regularly scheduled program here. So people places things is very very real You And so if you find certain people, places, or things triggering to you, you have to pivot. You cannot expect to do the same thing and get different results. That is insanity. And you're talking to an insane person who's tried this many times before in their life. I can give you guys a true story. Trader Joe's, when I got sober in 2021, there used to be a Trader Joe's that I prefer to go to near Union Square in New York and There was like the Trader Joe's like supermarket grocery store and next door directly to it was the Trader Joe's wine shop and I Truly had to stop going to that location even though it was the most convenient one for me In proximity to like where I lived like it made the most sense for me to go to that Trader Joe's I couldn't go there because I would have to walk by The Trader Joe's wine shop to get to the Trader Joe's grocery store. I just could not fathom walking past this grocery store Wine shop that I used to frequent on a weekly basis. I went from basically being like a wine Snob like I only want the best of the best so like I'm gonna start buying box wine like the cheapest wine I can get it was quantity over quality for me. I was like, I want boxed wine. I want to stick it in my fridge and just pull the lever and fill up. Like, I could care less what brand it is. And so Trader Joe's was like, Wineshop had the cheapest wine that was just, now that I think about it, probably all sugar so I had to stop going to that Trader Joe's specifically, because it would trigger me. It would make me feel like, damn, my routine was too Go to this wine shop. And so I had to stop doing that. It just was not a good idea for me. I did communicate as mentioned in tip one, I communicated to certain people that I wasn't drinking, right? Um, unfortunately, some of those people were not very helpful. In fact, I would argue some of those people actually tried to deter me from my path of sobriety. And some of those people I'm still friends with to this day and I've learned to forgive them because It's like, not to quote the Bible, it's like, forgive them, they know not better, whatever the quote is, like that sounds like a psalm or something, right? Forgive them for they know not better, I don't know, something like that I had to recognize that, maybe they didn't understand what I was trying to do. maybe they themselves had their own convoluted situation history with alcohol that they couldn't fathom the idea that I would want to get sober, especially because most of those people were right alongside me drinking. And if you hold a mirror up to someone, they're like, oh, if Nadine stopped drinking, it's like, Yeah, she did a lot, but like also I was right next to her doing pretty much the same thing. So maybe that means that I have a problem and like they don't want to have a problem. In the beginning I had to sort of distance myself from certain relationships that were not serving my goal of, you Sustained sobriety and like I said before like I didn't have a timeline like I didn't think that I'd be talking to you guys Three years later about still being sober I just knew that I needed to take a break which obviously meant I had to restrain from going to certain places You know when I got sober that summer of 21, I had just moved back to New York So people were hitting me up about different like parties going on and like events and I very much wanted to be on the scene But I couldn't like I quite literally would go And I wouldn't have a good time because I could not handle the idea of being around people who were drinking And Yeah, whether they were asking me to drink or not, whether they were being supportive of my sobriety or not, I just did not want to be in an environment that catered to drinking. At the time I was sort of referencing this, this, uh, Mantra, I'll call it, isolation for preparation, I need to like distance myself from all of these things and all these people, all these places, um, change up my routine so that I can prepare for something better. And I feel like that was a good thing. Um, at the time, and it did help me stay sober in those early days, but actually this is bringing me to my third tip for you guys. You need to be connected. You need to have community. And that is probably the thing that will keep you sober forever. I isolated myself because I didn't know any sober people. I isolated myself because I was kind of angry with the world, to be honest with you guys. Like, those early days of sobriety, I was unhappy. I was not feeling it. I ended up going, actually, on a five week vacation, which is beautiful. But, obviously, I recognize the privilege in that, like, most people can't go. Go do that. So like I got away from my environment, which was helpful But when I came back to New York after that five week vacation I Very much was like, okay. How am I gonna keep doing this? Like I started working again in person And I was miserable. I was not happy in those early days of sobriety I was picking fights with people. I was not communicating what I needed. I didn't know what I needed to be honest I was still in therapy But Now that it wasn't helping, I just felt like she had helped me up to a point. Like, she had helped me get sober, but she wasn't sober. My therapist had mentioned to me, maybe you should go to AA. And I was just like, I'm not going to AA. No, I'm not an alcoholic. Why would I go to AA? Like I'm doing it. Like people can't just quit alcohol, right? Like if I were an alcoholic, I wouldn't be able to quit by myself. This is what I was telling myself at least. And so I stayed away from that. But at the time I did start looking for connection, connection to the sober community because I didn't know anyone sober IRL. And what I found. Through Instagram was sober Instagram, which was a lifeline for me. It felt very much like I'm on a buoy out at sea by myself, there's no one around, and then all of a sudden this like lifeline is being thrown at me and it's like pulling me into a greater, I don't know, like a, a yacht. It's like, come on the air, we're partying, we're having a good time, and it's pulling me into this community of people who I finally for the first time saw, firsthand, at least it looked like on Instagram, people that were having it. A life. A fulfilling life. A happy life. Sans alcohol. They don't need booze to be fun. They don't need booze to be themselves. They don't need alcohol to, you know, express themselves or even have sex. And do all the things that I was really struggling with at that time in my life, personally. So, I I got connected to Sober Instagram. I started this platform, the Sober Butterfly, because I was seeing great sober accounts. I was looking for, I was looking for myself, to be honest with you. I was looking for someone that I felt like I could connect with, or at least I saw myself in. And remember, we are all unique. We all, there's another expression in AA, we are all terminally unique, which just means that like, we all think that we're different, but we're kind of all connected and have similar stories. Even if it's not the same exact story. Anyway, I digress. I was looking for myself like, a Black girl, to be honest with you. I was like, I want a cute Black girl who's sober, who has a good time and still parties. And like, that's what I was looking for. And because I couldn't find that, I started this platform. And it's kind of like, fake it until you make it. Like, there's nothing fake about me. Like, what you see in those early days of my Instagram are Very much is true, but it's still instagram. Like i'm still portraying one side of my sobriety and so it was almost like I was trying to Find happiness and like the way in which I was finding happiness was was unfortunately for the gram Like I was like, let me do things so that I can have things to share About sobriety because I can't just stay in the house all day. I'm a social person there's nothing wrong with like the self care sober girly You And that is and can be me sometimes but also I'm like I want to be out in the world and I don't want to stay inside on a Friday night every Friday night because everything is so tempting and triggering and It's gonna cause me to relapse So I started to look for ways in which I could showcase having fun and sobriety from my perspective as a black woman living in New York and And just that is really the inception of how the Sober Butterfly started. Now, of course, it's evolved into something greater than that. I love to embrace sobriety as a whole, and I'm more so now concerned about people's stories. And, showing the fun side of sobriety is always going to be important to me, but it's, it's more than just fun. This is hard work. And so. Anyway, that's the birth of the Sober Butterfly, and through having connection to Sober Instagram and then starting my own platform, the Sober Butterfly on Instagram, I was introduced to AA., I wasn't looking for it, it found me. And I'm not even a good AA representative. There is no good AA representative. So let me be clear about that. I have not worked all of my steps. I currently do not have a sponsor. These are things that are really recommended if you are in the program but I was on Sober Instagram and my first sponsor, she wasn't my sponsor at the time. I didn't know her, but she was sort of like another influencer. And she had tons of sober time, like 10 plus years. And I would follow her stories and DM with her back and forth. And one day she was just like, I love what you're doing with your Sober Butterfly platform. I would love to invite you to a meeting. It's a women's meeting. we meet virtually twice a week. I think you'd be great. And so she sent me the meeting link invite and I didn't know what to expect. I literally thought it was going to be like a, um, like a book club, a book club for sober women, which is something that I'm, I've been looking to actually start. Anyway, I thought it was going to be like a book club with sober girls, cute, sober, influencer girls. And I was like, yeah, of course. I'm so honored that you would think of me, like send me the link. And so I went to my first meeting. And it turned out to be an AA meeting, so just so you guys know, AA is not called AA, like they have other names, so it could be like, beautiful butterfly, that's a terrible example of a name, but like, that could be a name of a meeting, so it was an AA meeting, and when I showed up to the meeting, like, not knowing that, I was like, Why am I here? I remember viscerally, like my stomach dropped and I was so nervous. I started to sweat and I was just like, I don't belong here. Like, how did I get here? But I had so much respect for the host. So the same girl that invited me, let's give her a name. Let's call her MK. Like MK invited me to this Meeting and I had so much respect and love for her and quite literally it felt like a big sister vibe Even though I like I think we're the same age Um, but it's like she just exuded such confidence and beauty and just everything that I was looking for And at that time in my life, I was like, you know what? I am, um, I'm going to stick it out. It's like, I'm going to ride out this meeting because immediately when I heard AA, I wanted to hop off the call. Like, I was just like, I don't want to be here. Like, this is ridiculous. But I stayed and I listened. I don't think I shared, but there is a point in the meeting when they ask you to introduce yourself if you're new. any newcomers, please, introduce yourself at this time and your day count. And at the time I was just probably shy of three months of sobriety. And I. Did that. I said my name, but you know, I had to say, hi, I'm Nadine and I'm an alcoholic in New York City. And I remember feeling like I'm lying. Like I'm not an alcoholic. Like this is uncomfortable, but that's how I heard everyone else introduce themselves as. That was off putting to me. and then at the end of that meeting, I can't remember like what I took away from the shares because people shared, I know I didn't share that first meeting, but I do recall at the end of the meeting, they said. Keep coming back. Keep coming back. And I don't know why that like stood out to me, but it made me go back. It was like, okay, I'm going to keep coming back. It was remote. Like I have nothing to lose. I'm going to keep coming back to this remote meeting twice a week. I think I can handle that. And my perspective shifted drastically from going to these meetings and connecting with these women that. were around the country, sometimes the world even, and hearing like their individual perspectives about certain readings because we read from a book and then we share about like, you know, what we're personally working through. And it was a sense of community that I had never had. It was this idea that like, People were just so honest. I wasn't used to that. Like people were just so Honest about the stuff that they'd been through and done and not even just honest But it wasn't from this place of like despair always of course like people were raw and emotional at times But it was sometimes just like yeah, this is what I did and like this is where i'm at Like they've forgiven themselves. There was no shame. That's the word i'm looking for. There was no shame around You Their shares like they could have said the most like jaw dropping statement and it was just like and that's it moving on There's no cross talks You can't like comment on what someone else said you just accept that as like their truth and it was freeing it was liberating and powerful. A tenant of the program is being of service to others and like for me That is like the cornerstone of how I approach my sobriety today. That's like the big takeaway I've gotten from AA be honest and be of service I think the beauty of me. In my era was not just like being connected to other sober people. But also being connected to a higher power. So my higher power. Is God you don't have to believe in your higher power under this entity of God You don't have to I guess believe in anything. I personally think a big part of my Drinking am I using? Was because I didn't feel connected to anything beyond myself and I have felt so much relief I Have felt so much peace inner peace and knowing that I can lay it on someone else I think I was so angry with my higher power AKA God for me, when my dad died under very terrible conditions, right? Like, who wants to hear that your dad was shot to death? Like, that's not something that I will ever get over fully. And it's certainly something I was holding and carrying with me for all of these years. The trauma that we experience, sometimes we can internalize that as a means to being angry towards something. Like, how can I believe in a higher power that would allow This to happen I had to restore My faith and my conviction that God gives us what we can handle. And all of this is in connection to something greater. It's led me on a path to where I'm at now. And this is not even the end destination. This is only the beginning. you have to define your relationship to something. You have to define your relationship to something. Those are my four tips for getting and maintaining sobriety. Let me know in the comments if you agree with some of the tips that I shared. So at the opening of the video I shared, I would be telling you guys a little bit more about my personal, my why story to sobriety. how I've been able to maintain my sobriety. Those tips are just transformative and I constantly go back to those tips, even today. I'm still, doing the work those tips are, Evergreen. You should constantly check in with your status or your state of sobriety. Like, this milestone of three years, it's a drop in the bucket. It's amazing because I want this to be a lifelong endeavor, so I'm not going to take it for granted, and I'm going to I'm definitely going to celebrate, my soberversary today of three years I'm never going to assume that I'm not capable of drinking again. Okay. Finally, I want to talk a little bit about why getting sober is the best decision I've ever made. So all of the benefits that I've experienced in my life thus far in the three years of getting sober. I want to start with the emotional growth and self awareness that I've experienced in my sobriety. the journey of understanding and processing emotions without relying on a substance has been probably the hardest part of my sober journey. There's a Harvard scientist, her name is Dr. Jill Bolt Taylor. She argues that feelings are meant to share their message and then leave the body. Usually this happens in 90 seconds. 90 seconds. That's a minute and a half. Feelings, and emotions are what mostly I think cause people to drink or relapse, right? This emotion, this big feeling washes over you and you feel like you have to drink or you have to do something in order to not process or feel that. Early sobriety, it was really difficult for me to emotionally regulate how I opened up. So felt, but more importantly, how I responded to said feeling or emotion. So once I learned that it really is only about 90 seconds that we experience a feeling. It's essential to be able to pinpoint different strategies that you can employ to distract yourself, distract your brain or divert that feeling for a few minutes. It's not even like. It needs to be for an hour, just something that's going to derail this big emotion, without relying on a substance. And so this is where sober toolkits come in handy. I have a whole episode about sober toolkits that I'll link in the show notes. And it's just basically being able to pull from certain resources or be able to refer to certain resources. tools quite literally that could be journaling, that could be going for a walk, that could be screaming sometimes just to like get that emotion out because feelings are once again supposed to be released, another part in terms of my emotional growth and self awareness is just me really learning to give myself grace and be patient And kind to myself, especially during those moments of vulnerability, that negative self talk has no place. in your recovery or in your sobriety. It's only going to hinder any progress if you tell yourself you're such a piece of crap. You don't deserve this. You're the worst, right? I would have these, flashbacks, I'll say. Flashbacks to things I didn't I'd done in my past things that were bad when I was drinking or even like cringe and I would relive in my brain those moments and then guilt trip myself Like how could you do that? I'm talking things that happened years ago And i'm like, oh my god You're such a like you're such a terrible person like who would do that and then you start to spiral that is so unhelpful That is so Unhelpful if you are not in the place where you can truly forgive yourself for your past indiscretions then fine But there is no purpose in you sitting in that self pity or sitting in that shame Especially when you're getting sober or you're trying your best another example of this is if you have a trigger In your sobriety, and then you guilt yourself, or you make yourself feel bad for even having experienced that trigger. It's like, no baby, you're literally doing the work. So don't do that. Please don't do that. In general, my emotional growth and self awareness has really improved and a big part of that is just through self reflection And then seeking professional help when needed. It is okay to need help. I Have mentioned therapy has been a consistent source of strength for me. I'm still in therapy I probably will be in therapy forever I never want to stop growing especially along emotional You Lines like, I need someone to check me. I need someone to push my thinking. And I think it's really important that you seek help when needed. I still think there's stigma related to mental health and don't know why. In 2024 we still feel ashamed to admit that maybe we're in therapy or that we need, medication to help regulate. Some of our emotions or just mental health in general, but there should not be any shame connected to that. So make sure that you're getting help if you think that you could benefit from that help.

43:18

And now a quick word from our partners. It really feels like you're having a moment, pun intended, when you're sipping on the lovely and refreshing moment. Now what I love about moment is that not only does it taste delicious, I have my favorite flavors. I love the blood orange. I love the spicy mango, but it's also good for you, which is exactly what I need in my life right now as I'm in my early 20s. 30s. It's infused with L theanine, which is great for mental clarity. It also is packed with ashwagandha, which is great for helping to fight stress. It's made with all of these natural botanicals, which really enhances your vitality. It does not contain any added sugar. It's caffeine and of course alcohol free and you can purchase it in still or sparkling. I love a good sparkle moment so that's typically the route I take. In the morning it's great for a boost to start the day versus in the afternoon if you want to beat that afternoon slump and enhance your mental clarity. Or if you just need like a simple pick me up, like for me, I love to have a moment after the gym versus going into the gym because it just really helps re energize me. And then in the evening, if you want to wind down after a long, busy day and enjoy a delicious mocktail without the hangover, then Moment is great for that too. One of the best parts for me with Moment is I feel like it's a really conscientious brand. They donate 1 percent of all their sales to mental health non profits. So you can feel good about supporting greater causes as well. Head over to drinkmoment. com and use my code TSB23 to receive 12 percent off your very first order. Let's be moment buddies. We can both have moments together.

the-sober-butterfly_3_07-05-2024_112004 45:05

Another reason why getting sober has been the greatest decision in my life is not just the emotional growth in terms of myself, but even my connection with other people. I've just learned to assert myself more. I think because I don't carry around as much shame or guilt, I feel less guilty. Convicted in my decisions like I know what I'm doing I think so much of my time spent in my drinking days was me getting drunk blacking out doing shitty things to other people, or feeling like I was doing bad things to other people. Really and truly, I was harming myself, probably above anyone else, I was harming myself, but I didn't see it that way. I think I just naturally have always been very much of an empath, slash people pleaser. And I've just cared so much about like what other people think of me. I don't care so much about what other people think of me anymore because I know who I am. I just have that self awareness where it's like, I feel good about who I am. And if you don't like me, then that's okay. Whereas When I was drinking and partying and using, I wanted to be liked so much and I was willing to go to great lengths to be liked. And that, goes back to me drinking. I felt like I was unlocking this uninhibited side of myself that could be the crazy, outgoing wild thing. Person that would always have a fun story to share the next day. But the problem in that lies that I used to forget what I would do. and therefore I would put myself in compromising situations or people who were hanging out with me felt like they had to take care of me or always keep eyes or tabs on me because where's Nadine? Oh my God, she's missing. So like, you know, that's annoying. I actually hate the phrase, Oh, drunken words or sober thoughts, like I don't think that's true. When people used to tell me things that I would say or do to them when I was drinking, I felt terrible because I would be like, I don't feel that way about you. Actually, I don't. I am not repressing these emotions and then like, I hate you. I think I was just an angry drunk. At certain points. If I passed a certain threshold, I would just attack, attack anyone in sight. I could have just met you and gone crazy because I was not okay. it wasn't necessarily a reflection of how I felt about my personal relationships. And that's really hard to explain to people. That's really hard to, Explain and apologize for, especially because you didn't mean what you said or what you did, but now the other person thinks that you did mean it or you do actually feel that way about them. So that was really difficult for me. and I don't have to work through those uncomfortable apologies or difficult conversations anymore, because simply when I say something or when I do something, I mostly mean it. 99 percent of the time it's like, I meant that. And obviously I am mindful about delivery tactics and you can deliver truth with kindness and you know, I probably need to work on that better because sometimes I think I can be too direct. However, for the most part I mean what I say and like that is just so beautiful and powerful. That's been a major benefit, which has strengthened my relationships with people because I don't have those anxiety moments where it's like you wake up literally sweating, shaking, scared to look at your phone. Do you even have your phone? Afraid of, doing the rundown of like, Oh my God, did I offend anyone? Or did I do anything cringy and blah, blah, blah, this and that. Like, I don't have to worry about that. And that has just given me such peace of mind that literally cannot be quantified. Like you cannot put a price on peace of mind. I've come to learn that. And sobriety is showing me that time and time again. I don't know how I was operating. the amount of apologies I've given for things I don't remember doing or saying is just limitless at this point in my history of drinking. So happy that I don't have to do that anymore. Another benefit or another reason why I'm just like, this is the best decision I've ever made in life is because I, Look and feel better. I would say I look better because I do think I look better I think it's tricky because me getting sober at 30. I'm just you know getting older So things are changing within my body and I have to be okay with that change. But also I'm trying to Optimize my age. I'm trying to age gracefully as much as I can And drinking just we know does not aid well with Preserving yourself long term, so I'm glad that I got sober when I did because I think I'm just naturally preserving myself better and by the way physical Transformations my skin looks better truly looks better something happened at 30 for me where I was experience for the first time in my life, acne, adult acne, and I don't know why that happened because I never really had issues with my skin prior to turning 30 or around that age. and so when I gave up drinking, I did notice that my skin gradually, it was not an overnight thing, let me be clear, but gradually it improved. And now I'll come in closer. I have like a little pimple here, So like you guys can see, I don't really have any. blemishes or pimples on my skin 90 percent of the time gradually my body changed for the better. But when I first got sober, like so many other people, found myself in this somewhat toxic relationship with sugar. And that's because when the body processes alcohol, it basically converts it into sugar. So it's quite normal to experience sugar cravings when you give up drinking, especially when you drink often, like I did. I started to eat candy, like I'm not even like a candy person, but I would eat candy, and cookies, and ice cream, and cake, and I gained some weight in the early days of my sobriety, which was in fact quite triggering for me as someone who has struggled with body dysmorphia and disordered eating, so I almost was like, it's not worth it, like I need to just go back to my Diet in the 20s, which is drinking wine for dinner some nights and smoking cigarettes and like it will balance itself out But I did not do that. I'm very happy that I did not default to old negative Drinking and smoking and things like that ways but I did have to relearn how to prioritize my health and the things that I was doing in my 20s obviously are not going to necessarily serve me in my 30s. And so it taught me, or it sent me on a journey to relearn how to nourish my body. And I'm very happy to report that I've lost all the weight that I gained when I first gained the weight in early sobriety. I would say it was about 10 to maybe 12 pounds, and it's completely gone. I feel like I'm the most snatched I've been, since my 20s. And, Yeah, that's just because I'm clearly not drinking. I never have hangovers. I don't have to skip a workout because, you know, I drink too much and then my hangover has a hangover. So that's really like three days of not working out from one night of drinking. Obviously, we know that alcohol slows your metabolism. It doesn't get metabolized properly in your body. So it's just not ever going to help you with any health goals that you have, which is why I think alcohol is trash. Just another reason why I think it's trash. Trash but um, yeah, so I feel better. I look better and my quality of sleep has improved Significantly, I know people talk about this but like let's get into it a little bit more I Sleep like a baby I used to drink a lot mostly wine or pass out from drinking hard liquor. I would sleep, but the quality of sleep was not good. And then sometimes I'd have to wake up in the middle of the night to, you know, use the bathroom because I drank too much. And I just don't experience that. Now, if I wake up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom, it's because I drink too much water. And then I fall peacefully back to sleep. A lot of people think that alcohol helps them sleep and I don't want to get into the science behind that, but yeah, you might pass out, but passing out is not going to sleep. It's not helping you have the best REM sleep that you can have. It's basically knocking you out and then you wake up feeling worse, at least I did, the day after. The very last thing I'm going to share, just in terms of why this has been the best decision of my life. going back to this idea of community I have just met some of the greatest people I've ever met in my life Through this sober journey. I mean that from the depths of my heart like people that are just remarkable who Have such resilience and intelligence, you know, they say that addiction affects everyone or can affect anyone from The park bench to Park Avenue, right? it walks all paths of life. And there's something really humanizing about that, that I appreciate so much because, you can look at someone, but never judge that person by its cover. you never truly know what's going on. That's what I find to be so beautiful about this addiction is that it does connect so many people. And even if you yourself are not personally an alcoholic or you don't think that you're a problem drinker good for you I can guarantee that, you know one person that struggles from addiction and that is the Human thread that connects all of us. This disease is so much bigger than you. It's so much bigger than me It is, for me, so awe inspiring when I do connect with people who have done the work. They fucking did it. They did the work, and they are here to tell their story, and that's why I will constantly tell my story. I hope and pray that next year I'll be talking to you guys about four years of sobriety and just all of the joys that I have experienced because of my sobriety and some of the hardship that I've had to work through and still consistently work through because of my addiction. but I'm very happy to report that life has only gotten better. Don't know where I would be if I were still drinking, but I can only imagine it would not be Here talking to you guys right now sharing my truth and Living my dream my dream is to reach as many people as I can to touch lives to leave impact and I get to do that every day with the sober butterfly and today on my soberversary three years, baby with you guys. So thank you guys for listening to my story. Thank you for being here. Thank you for helping me celebrate three years of sobriety. I'm just. Astonished by like how quickly it went but also like how much has happened in the in between time

the-sober-butterfly_2_07-05-2024_093613 55:56

I'm releasing this episode intentionally on my sobriversary date, which is July 5th, a Friday, but in general, moving forward, I'm going to be releasing episodes every single Friday, faithfully, your girl has been A little finicky, a little bit all over the place, but I'm going to just hold myself accountable and publish new episodes every Friday.

the-sober-butterfly_3_07-05-2024_112004 56:20

if you guys like today's episode, Please do me a favor if you haven't done so already and leave a like five stars. I'm a five star girly. So leave me that five star rating and make sure you tune in to new episodes of the sober butterfly podcast every single Friday. Bye.