Confessions of an Alcoholic

Nadine drops three confessions that prove sobriety is not a linear path, it’s a lifelong journey of self-awareness, accountability, and grace.

📢 Trigger warning: This episode discusses mental health, relapse, and addiction in a raw, unfiltered way.

This episode is an invitation to get real about the messy, nonlinear truth of recovery. Sobriety doesn’t make you perfect, but it gives you the clarity and courage to own your sh*t, forgive yourself, and start again.

What You’ll Hear:

• How addictive thoughts can sneak in quietly...even in the most random places
• Why therapy plateaus can signal deeper shifts in your healing journey
• The complicated feelings around relapse, shame, and recommitting to change
• A reminder that progress, not perfection is the real goal

🎧 Listen now on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube!

Connect with TSB 🦋

• Follow Nadine on Instagram @the.soberbutterfly @soberbutterflypodcast

Resources Mentioned in the Episode 📘

• Alan Carr's Easy Way To Quit Smoking

✨ If it resonates, share with a friend, and don’t forget to rate and review to help us grow the sober community.

Transcript

the-sober-butterfly_2_06-12-2025_065131: 0:00

Forgive me butterflies for I have sinned.

the-sober-butterfly_5_06-12-2025_065536: 0:04

Hello. Hello butterflies. It's Nadine and you are listening to the Sober butterfly Podcast where we talk all things alcohol, free living, healing, growth, and yes, the messy, imperfect progress in between. So I'm calling this one Confessions of an Alcoholic because coming up to almost four years of sobriety, I still get reminded loud, and clear, that I am not immune to the mental gymnastics of addiction. So in this solo episode, I'm sharing three big confessions, three things I've been carrying that I need to say out loud. Like, I need to get this off my chest because I believe in telling the truth. I have to remind myself this is about honesty, and if you've ever found yourself wondering, you know, am I still doing the work or am I just avoiding the next layer of it? Then this episode is for you. Last week on the show, I talked extensively around just basically being sick in sobriety. So this is kind of like an unofficial part two of that, because in unveiling some of those. Toxic traits that I still exhibit and I'm still working on and through. I realize that I have, I have to like push it a little bit further and get a bit more granular about the things that I've been holding onto that are I. Shameful. I'll be honest, like I, I am not proud of these confessions, but I find that in releasing them, I can actually start to do the real healing and the real work. So grab your favorite non-alcoholic bevy and let's talk about what it means to stay sober. Stay honest and stay human in today's episode. Confessions of an Alcoholic. Let's get into it.

the-sober-butterfly_6_06-12-2025_070022: 1:57

so confession number one. Without further ado, I am an alcoholic. Pause for a dramatic reaction. Yeah, you probably knew that I'm an alcoholic, but guys I recently realized that truly I am an alcoholic I have oscillated back and forth with this term alcoholic for a number of years. Am I an alcoholic? What does that actually mean? I've explored this topic pretty extensively on the podcast around like how there is no specific metric that. Determines that you are an alcoholic. Quite literally, if you go to a doctor or if you go to an inpatient program or whatever it may be like there is no one indicator. There are of course symptoms and signs that we can look for, but for the most part, you have to define yourself as an alcoholic. And when I was getting sober and in the early stages of my sober journey, I would attend AA meetings, and you probably know whether you're sober or not. Like a big part of AA is. Admitting or surrendering to this idea that you are an alcoholic. Like, hello, my name is Nadine and I'm an alcoholic, and for the first part of my time in aa, like I had. An impossible time conceiving this notion that I was an alcoholic, but I kind of just went with it because everyone told me trust the process. Somewhere in the middle of my journey in recovery spaces like aa, I started to believe, oh, actually like I am an alcoholic. And then in terms of where I am today with that term. I have landed somewhere in between, like, yes, I know I'm an alcoholic, and I would say that, but then there was like a little asterisk, a little like star, like a conditional statement, like, yes, I'm an alcoholic. But do I really believe and I am an alcoholic? Or am I just saying that Because I know that my relationship with alcohol is very convoluted, it's very toxic. It is not something that I can successfully manage. Therefore, I would rather just take on that, you know, label saying that I'm an alcoholic to prevent myself from. Deluding myself or like believing that I'm capable of handling a healthy relationship with alcohol. I personally don't think that like there can be a healthy relationship with a toxic substance, but I digress. So anyway, I've had some like strange sentiments around like truly identifying as an alcoholic. But yeah, I'll say I'm an alcoholic because why not? Like, I'd rather say that than pretend that I have control over my drug of choice, which is alcohol anyway. This past week, I realized. I really am an alcoholic, and here's the thing.

the-sober-butterfly_7_06-12-2025_070453: 4:41

I feel confident in my sobriety I feel good, I can go to bars, I can go to the club. I can participate in nightlife activities. I can be in the streets and still feel as though I have control, I trust myself. I guess it's self-trust. I feel like while I don't recommend for other people, especially in early sobriety, to hang out at the bar or like be around a bunch of people drinking all the time, like personally it's not an issue. It felt like a non-issue for me until recently. I'm gonna just share a quick story from my recent trip to Iceland. This is when I realized, yeah, like I am not done. I am an alcoholic. Like this is gonna be a lifelong, I don't wanna say battle, but that's the first thing I thought of. Like, it feels like a fight. Um, it's gonna be a lifelong. Pursuit. My sobriety is not something that I can take for granted. I have recently realized, so let me tell you what happened. I went to Iceland with my mom last week. We had an amazing trip. I have filmed a ton of content, so I will actually upload a vlog from this Iceland trip with my mom. It was the best mother-daughter trip that we have ever taken, and it is the first mother-daughter trip that we've taken sober together. So the last time we traveled together was. In the pandemic in 2021. We went to Puerto Rico and it was a good time. I always have a good time with my mom, but that experience compared to now, like we were both drinking then compared to today, it, it just feels like we are so much stronger. We are so much more connected. I'm gonna just save it for the vlog, so our last day in Iceland was a Sunday. My mom had an earlier flight than me, so she went to the airport first thing in the morning on Sunday, and I, you know, had a day to myself basically in Nik. Then later in the afternoon, I made my way to Vic. International airport and when I got to the airport, I had buffered enough time for me to do some shopping. Like I. Wanted to pick up some knickknacks for friends and loved ones back home. I like to gift people things from my travels. What sorts of things is Iceland known for? They specialize in licorice. I don't even like licorice, but. Their licorice chocolate. They put lots of licorice in their chocolate and it was delicious. Had the most delicious bread ever, so I picked up right bread Iceland's known for their Viking beer. Also Iceland's National drink is a drink called, um, Brevan. I don't even know if I'm pronouncing that right, but, um, I think it's called Brennan. And my mom and I actually on day one of our time in Iceland, did a local walking tour and Nik and one of the spots we went to trying different Icelandic foods. Was, um, a place where we had fermented shark. I do not recommend, but a tradition that Icelandic people follow is they will take a piece, a very small piece of this Icelandic fermented shark, which smells worse than it tastes, but like texture wise, just not good. And then they follow it with a shot of Brein, which is also known as Black Death. So if that says anything, cool, we did not obviously take the shot of the Black Death or the brein. Spirit. I think the most common relative spirit wise would be like a vodka or snaps and, um, yeah, didn't try it, but I think maybe a seed was planted because, now duty free and I'm seeing all these people, you know, looking at the alcohol and there was one section where they have like the little mini bottles,, so the shots basically and I'm seeing all these people like crowded around the tower full of different alcoholic beverages, shots, and I kind of mosey over there. And I don't know why, like I, I don't know why, like I typically never. An unofficial rule of mine is I don't buy alcohol, period. I don't gift people alcohol. Like that's just something that I have unofficially made a rule of mine. If people wanna drink, fine, but like I'm not gonna be the person that's giving you a bottle of wine. Even if I'm coming over for your housewarming, you know, it just has not been in my world for so long and I just don't believe in doing that. But for whatever reason, I found myself with everyone else looking at the alcoholic beverages and then I started to like tell myself like, well. What if I just got, you know, six bottles, I can throw it in there I'm thinking about the specific people I'm gifting things to, and I'm like, okay, they have some sea salt, they have some bread, they have some chocolate. Maybe I can just throw in a little, like Bren. You know, like I'll just pick up some bottles. Like I'll make an exception to my rule. I mean, the only other exception to this rule is my grandma. Um, I have given my grandma alcoholic like little, little mini bottles of alcohol from time to time. Um, because I don't know guys, she's 90 Four or three. Four and um, that's what she wants. Like literally that's all my grandma wants. If you wanna gift her something, like she's not gonna appreciate anything you give her unless it's alcohol. And that's not to throw shade to my grandma. Love my grandma. More than anything. That's just what it is. That's the only person I've ever given alcohol to. So anyway back to this, so I start like looking, reaching for some of the mini bottles. And placing them into my cart, I had like this insane feeling come over me. I would even say it was like a premonition.'cause I, it was, there was a visual component to it as well. This sounds crazy. I know, but I promise you, I just had this premonition. That's the best way I could describe it. I just saw myself unscrewing the cap. I saw myself on the plane. Smelling that strong odor hit my nose, taking a sip, just one, it was so real. It was just so insanely real. I don't know if I would call this like a craving. Maybe it is. I'm not trying to, you know, delude myself, but I don't wanna say it was a craving because to me a craving implies that you want it. Like I did not want the alcohol. And yet I could almost like play the tape forward, I could see myself drinking. Um, so maybe that is a craving. I don't know, what do you guys think? It just very clearly hit me like cold Icelandic air. I am still an alcoholic. I will always be an alcoholic. I was an alcoholic. I'm still an alcoholic. I will always be an alcoholic. I don't trust myself to have unsupervised time, unstructured time with these mini bottles. Who knows what can happen because, and this is leading to confession number two, I have been struggling with my mental health. So who's to say that I won't drink and why would I even want to put myself in a position where that reality could come true? The stakes are way too high. I've invested so much into this beautiful life I've created, co-created with my sobriety, with my higher power, with myself, I have too much to lose, so I put it back. So that's my first confession. I did not drink, but I am very much an alcoholic and I realize in. This moment. While it might not be a daily occurrence, even an annual occurrence, I haven't felt like this in a long time since year one of my sobriety. But I cannot escape alcohol and this disease. It's, it's truly a mental fixation, whether it's conscious or unconscious or subconscious. It's something that is a part of me and I think the more I accept that as truth the better equipped I will be to handle something like that if it were to come up again. And that's the thing about. Alcohol and I'm not in AA and hell, maybe I need to go to a meeting. I, that's something that's been on my mind recently, but I recall distinctly some of the verbiage used being, like the cunning. Baffling alcohol, right? It's a very insidious substance. And this disease is also equally cunning and baffling because just when you think you're cured or you're healed or you're on the up, a moment like that can really ground you. But I'm choosing to see this as a way that will serve me I think so much of the issue that I take with the term alcoholic is like, here I go, just another notch on my belt of crazy things that I have going on in my brain. But it can also be a superpower.

the-sober-butterfly_9_06-12-2025_073624: 14:09

Confession number two. I am depressed. Yeah. I said it, I'm depressed and it is time for a change. Okay. This one is harder for me to say out loud actually, and it's because I've been in a low place mentally for quite some time now. I. I've touched on the subject on the podcast. My birthday, episode 34. Lessons I've Learned before. 34 and Birthday Blues was the first time this year that I've kind of talked openly about my mental health struggles. but it is something that's pervaded throughout this year, the better part of this year, if I'm being honest. And the reframe though, you know, I am depressed. I accept that, I admit it. I've been feeling that for a while. It's not just like the ups and downs of life and life, lifeing and you know, all the chaos that is currently going on in the world. It is this big feeling that I have, right? Once again, my superpower. I can feel and register loose feelings accordingly now and stop hiding from them. But I have felt this way before and the feeling is like. Something has got to give, like I need a big shift. and that's something on the scale of when I first got sober, you know, when I first got sober, I kept thinking I wanna blow my life up. And I, I think I even mentioned last week on the podcast, like I've been having that same feeling again. Like, I wanna blow my life up. Um, I don't actually wanna blow my life up. Not in like that reckless way, but what I mean more so is like I want to reinvent. My life. And that that reinvention, that transformation. Metamorphosis. Butterflies is me beginning to prioritize my mental health more. I have implemented a lot of positive changes in my life to aid with my mental health struggles, some of those supports or strategies, tools include therapy, journaling, Daily workouts or moving my body include thinking intentionally about how I nourish my body, and just all of the things that I can do within my control to better support my mental health. But the truth is I could be doing more and I need to be doing more because. I don't wanna say it's not working. Like all of the aforementioned things, they work and I am not walking around like from Winnie the Pooh, like, Hey, like, you know, and I, and I think that's the hard part too, like recognizing that my depression can look different, from whatever we think depression should mirror. But I need to kind of tighten up some of the things that I know work, but like I could be more intentional and optimize them. So one of the big things that I recognize that I need to do, which makes me very uncomfortable is I need to get a new therapist A big source of discomfort around this topic of finding a new therapist is simply because I feel like it owes so much to my current therapist. I got sober through a culmination of different things, but the big catalyst for me was therapy. Going back to therapy. And I've been working with the same therapist since 2021, January of 2021, so over four years My therapist saved my life. I know that's an extreme statement, but she helped me see and admit that I had a problem with alcohol. And with men, so much toxicity. She helped me get here and I'm a loyal person. I am loyal to a fault. I also think with. My attachment style, being an an anxious attachment girly over here. I don't like to lose people that I consider valuable in my life. and she's helped me through so much. But lately, and when I say lately, I would say for over a year, I feel like our work has. Plateaued. I adore her, but I'm starting to see her more like an auntie or a mentor, not necessarily someone pushing me to the next level of growth. And that is by no means her fault or my fault, but it is my responsibility to take initiative and lead that next charge in my life. In sobriety we talk about losing people, losing friends, drinking, acquaintances, whatever. I have lost people in my life since getting sober. I think it has less to do with me getting sober and just like the natural evolution of life and lifestyle changes and what that comes with. Relationships have to evolve. We have to evolve, and it doesn't take away from. Everything that someone has given you. My therapist has given me so much, so many tools that I can consistently work with and take with me. Um, but I do feel like there is an opportunity here for me to grow further and push myself a little bit more. So I'm going to start the search for a new therapist and also in that same breath, I feel like I need a renewed connection to my higher power. More prayer, more journaling, more honesty. I've felt a bit of a spiritual deficit as of late, and that is something else that's kind of tugging at me. It's this intuitive knowing that, okay, a big shift needs to happen. A big change needs to happen. I don't quite know exactly what that change is. But I think that in getting a new therapist and working on my spirituality more, learning more, and exploring different parts of myself, I'm hoping that will help me kind of break free from the reins of depression Now, my depression, like I said, it's not this all encompassing. I've been depressed before, so I know this, the scale of how depressed I can feel. It's not like this Level 10 on a scale from one to 10. I've been at a 9.5 before. I don't feel I. Like I'm there. Um, but that's the thing about depression. It's difficult to quantify. I think qualitatively, I just recognize too many signs and I'm not in a place, I'm not anti antidepressants. Um, I'm not against that. Oh, really quickly. Fun fact. But I learned in Iceland. Iceland they say is one of the happiest places. On the planet in the world. And then I learned they also have the highest rates of antidepressant administration in the world as well. So who would've thought the two coincide? Anyway, back to this. I'm not saying I am anti antidepressant. I've never taken antidepressants. I just think that I could be working through a lot more and doing more on my end before taking that next step. Instead of just defaulting to taking like an antidepressant. Um, and that might seem disjointed to you. Um, the reason I bring up antidepressants here though is because recently a friend said to me, I confessed to her, um, that I think I'm depressed. And she was like. Oh girl. Yeah, get on some antidepressants. And I kind of took offense to that and I don't know why I took offense to it because really I'm not anti medication. I feel like you have to take what you need and sometimes it's chemical, right? Sometimes there are imbalances that we just need to regulate, and medicine helps with that. I believe in science over here I just don't think I'm there yet. And I don't think that it's to that place where I have been before.'cause I have been, like I said, a lot more depressed chronically over time than I'm feeling right now. But I just recognize that like it's not just seasonal depression, like earlier this year. I'm thinking, oh, it's dark, it's winter, it's all the things, but you know, now it's beautiful outside and it's sunny and it's about to be summer and I'm still kind of feeling low. So yeah, working on that. I will keep you all updated on my quest. To find another therapist, and I don't even know if I'll actually let my current therapist go. Currently we are on a very loose schedule. Like I don't meet with her, every single week. Um, she's kind of. I was gonna say promoted me, but maybe demoted me. She's kind of like, yeah, you don't need to meet weekly. And then summer it gets more complicated. So I feel like this could serve as a clean break to find another therapist and like still check in with her on a monthly basis. But also I'm like, okay, Nadine, like do you really need to keep this person on retainer? If you feel like you're not getting as much out of it, but I love her so much and I don't know, I'm gonna keep you guys posted clearly. I'm like on the fence about this topic. I know I need a new therapist. I just don't need know if I need to get rid of my current one. Or maybe I could like ask her to be my mentor or my friend. I can't ask her to be my auntie, even though I kind of feel like she's already like giving major auntie vibes, like she's in my council of women that I adore and trust and confide in, but I'm like, I don't know. I have to find a way to keep her in my life I'm self-aware guys. I am an anxious attachment girly, so I know how that sounds. But I can't lose her. I gotta have her. Anyway, I'll keep you guys updated this summer as I look for. Another mode of therapy I am thinking about going back to if FS therapy, internal family systems, um, because that is probably the most uncomfortable I've ever felt in therapy. Which, what do we know about discomfort? We know that's where the growth takes place. So I, I think that is probably the type of therapy that I'm going to pursue and explore some more.

the-sober-butterfly_10_06-12-2025_075033: 24:32

Okay. This is the confession I've been avoiding. I'm just gonna say it. I have been smoking cigarettes since last summer. Summer 2024. Yeah, I know. I told myself it wasn't a problem. I told myself I could stop whenever, but here I am, almost coming up to my year anniversary of smoking cigarettes. I think two people, know that I smoke cigarettes. But who knows? Maybe more. Maybe I'm not doing a good job of hiding this as much as I thought I was. Um, but I. I, yeah, I've been smoking cigarettes for almost a year. It's insane to admit that out loud. And I am still smoking cigarettes like today smoked a cigarette. This is very recent and I am going to just keep it real with you guys. It has become a problem, um, a problem because. I say I can quit, but I haven't. And I think that, okay, let me give you a little bit more context in my history with tobacco. The first time I smoked cigarettes or tobacco, let me back up, like tobacco. I used to smoke black and miles. It's crazy black and miles in. College, like freshman year, like my friends and I would get drunk and then we'd go buy a black and mile would tip and smoke. It after a long night of partying, if we weren't passed out, we'd pass the blunt or pass the black and mild around and yeah, so I. Would do that, but like that wasn't like an everyday occurrence. And then I remember distinctly summer, my sophomore year of college, one of my girlfriends coming back to school like this is tail end of summer with a little smoking habit that she picked up from her sister. And then we started to smoke packs of cigarettes. And once again, it wasn't like an everyday thing, but it was something that we did. And it was something that we did in secrecy because it was gross and we knew it. And so we definitely didn't want people to judge us or see us, you know, smoking cigarettes and another like little layer or nuance here. As a black woman. Going to a historically black college, it was unheard of for the most part that black girls, especially the type of black girls we were. Which I'm not gonna get into here, but like we were very like prissy. Like even though we were party girls, like we weren't the type of girls that ever wanted to be associated with something dirty, like smoking cigarettes. Like that was just trashy. And we cared very much about appearances. I know this sounds contradictory, considering we would be like the crazy, wild, drunk girls, but like we did care about our image and we did def definitely did not wanna give off the aura of someone who. Smoked cigarettes, so we would hide it. So like, once again, that was an introduction to how my smoking career began. Something I would do when I was drunk, hiding it. Now, fast forward, throughout my twenties in New York, same kind of thing. Like I wasn't buying like packs of cigarettes on a regular basis. I would mostly. Go out, drink, crave that cigarette. Oh my God. You wanna talk about that? Perfect hit. And I hope this is not triggering. Sorry if it is, but for me it was like I was always in search of that equilibrium. In my mind it was like that combination of I'm just drunk enough on the cusp of maybe like blackout and. Now I'm hitting that cigarette and ooh, it just sends me over the edge. Like, I loved that feeling. And so I would, you know, look for that, search for that, and do it, um, and find it with every puff, then in the pandemic, my smoking escalated. It went from a drunk pastime to an everyday occurrence living in Mexico City. A lot of people smoked cigarettes and you could even smoke inside, which was crazy to me. I felt like I was in. I don't know, like in the 1990s in New York City, when I would, you know, watch episodes of Sex in the City, I'm like, oh my God, we're smoking indoors. And even the weight service staff would, you know, light your cigarettes for you. Imagine you're in this beautiful ritzy restaurant, rooftop, and. You go to light a cigarette and before you can even reach for your freaking lighter, a wayer rushes over and lights it for you. It was like a movie. And so anyway, I used to smoke a lot in Mexico City and when I came back to the States, when I moved back officially, I was like, okay, gotta kick this habit. And I did successfully, I was able to quit smoking without any reinforcements for the most part. I also got sober like a month later, a month and change later. That also helped, now between then. So between summer 2021 when I got sober to last summer, 2024, I still smoked from time to time, but it was like a summer thing. But I did, I can't really explain it like I was a summer smoker. I know this sounds crazy we've admitted that I'm an alcoholic. The alcoholic brain, you know, wants substances. Like we convince ourselves that we can handle things. And so I would go on these trips and like, oh, I'm in another country. I wanna unwind a bit. I'm not gonna drink, so I'll have a cigarette on the beach. Why not? And especially when you travel to different places, different cultures, different countries, whether that be Europe or Latin America, the perception around smoking isn't as, um, negative I'll say as it is here in the states. Like I feel like if I smoke a cigarette, people are judging me, like, um, very clearly judging me. Like a guy will not talk to me if he was checking for me before. If he sees me light that cigarette up, like. Immediately disqualified. And that's fine. I know that. And so that has prompted me to hide my smoking. Um, but anyway, so last summer I was, you know, doing my summer smoking thing, traveling through Greece and Turkey. And especially in Turkey. Oh my God. I was like chain smoking. And I think a part of that was. If I'm being honest,'cause this is a fricking confessional. I like how I feel when I smoke cigarettes, especially in combination with stimulants like coffee. Nicotine is a stimulant, right? So that in combination with a cup of black coffee, I feel like I, you know, I just took a little bump, you know, I'm like up here. And that feeling was something that I was chasing. It was a feeling that I enjoyed. I smoked a lot in Turkey. I was. You know, around people that smoked a lot. Not my traveling companions, but like just culturally speaking. And I was like, I'm having a good time. I'm gonna quit when I go back to reality. When I get back to New York, when I go back to work. Like obviously I'm not gonna keep smoking. But then I kept smoking and then I was like, oh. I like the feeling. I, I don't know. I kept smoking. I like the feeling. And, you know, that just prompted me to continue this. Trajectory and then I told myself, you know, even going into 2025, well, I'm not gonna smoke in 2025. Of course not. It's winter, it's cold. Like I don't have to go outside to smoke a cigarette. Like, who's gonna do that in the snow? And, you know, who did it? Me, me. Then it turned into like, I always have mints and I always have. Body spray and perfume to until the scent. Oh it's not a problem'cause I'm only smoking like two or three cigarettes a day. I am not like chain smoking. Like I'll have one in the morning and then I'll have one after work and then maybe I'll squeeze one in more in after dinner., If I go on a trip, you know, I smoke more cigarettes'cause it's unstructured time and I think people don't know. I hope people don't know. I hope I don't smell like smoke. I don't, I don't know. That's the thing. I don't know. Um, I. Going back to those like close people that know I smoke. I hide it and that's how I know I have a problem, right? Like I'm hiding my smoking. One of my best friends knows that I smoke because she sometimes smokes. Um, she's a casual smoker, so I'm like, girl, like we're gonna have the cigarette together aside from that, I've been hiding it from, you know, people that I spend a lot of time with. Like, we can go on a trip together and you won't know. More recently, this trip that I took with my mom, I was smoking cigarettes. I don't think she knows. When she hears this episode, she will know and I will ask her did she know? And I'll let you guys know what she says, but I don't think she knew, I, you know, pop outside to make a phone call or like, oh, I'm just gonna go for a walk to catch in the air. Meanwhile, I'm fucking chain smoking, excuse my language anyway, not chain smoking, like I'll have a cigarette. I didn't bring cigarettes with me on this trip, so I didn't have them. And there was a day where we had an early morning pickup to do like a 10 hour tour around Iceland. I wanted to get a quick workout in before we. Went on this tour on a bus in the car all day. So I did my workout. By the time I finished my workout, I had to shower and immediately we had to leave for the pickup. I didn't have time to buy cigarettes. And so on this tour, sitting in the car, you know we got picked up at 8:00 AM. Now it's 10:00 AM and I have had my morning cigarette and I started to experience withdrawal, which is why I am being honest here and saying I'm gonna quit smoking cigarettes because I started to get a little cranky. Um, I was, I, I, I was agitated. I mean, that's just it. I was agitated and we stopped at a rest stop. For a bathroom break and for people to, you know, buy snacks. So we had like a 15 minute rest stop break. And so my mom goes to use the bathroom and I'm like, oh, I'm just gonna make a phone call. Lie, i. Didn't want anyone to see, definitely didn't want my mom to see me smoking. Definitely didn't wanna anyone on the bus that I was with to see me smoking. I was embarrassed. So I pulled around the side of this like rest stop area. So I just wanted you to imagine like a gas station. So there's an indoor convenience store part. So I pull around the side'cause like in the front, all the buses are parked, everyone can see what's going on. I see this man smoking a cigarette so I becking him over. I call this man over trying to be slick with it, and I'm like, Hey sir, can, can I have a cigarette? Don't want my mom to see. I was like, I promise I'm of age.'cause he must think that I'm like a child at this point. And he's like, no, no, I get it. He's like, I have to get my packets on the bus. Make this man go all the way to his bus to get a cigarette, walk it back over to me'cause I can't be caught, you know, doing this exchange. He walks over, lights my cigarette up, and then I hide by the side, literally by the dumpster smoking a cigarette. It just reminds me of that episode of Sex in the City where Carrie is first dating Aiden and he tells her a non-negotiable is smoking. She's like, no problem. I can quit whenever I want. I like this guy. It's time. And so she tries to quit smoking and they go on this amazing date that runs into like hours of them spending time together. And she is feeing. And that was me Feeing for that fricking hit of nicotine. And as soon as the date is over, she can't wait to get rid of him. Um, literally had like an emergency cigarette. In her purse at the bottom of her purse and goes to light it up, it like falls on the floor and she's like literally crouched over like a fricking crazy addict trying to light the cigarette that has fallen on the floor, like blowing it off and inhaling. And then Aidan walks back around the corner and he's like. Carrie, uh, I forgot why he went back, but yeah, that was me basically. Only thing is I didn't get caught, so I'm outing myself here. I didn't get caught, but like then I had to go into the gas station and wash my hands and. Buy some gum and spray myself, and then I'm worried like, oh my God, we're in a small space. Like, does my mom smell this? And so I'm just done, you guys, I'm just so done. I can't do this anymore. I can't continue smoking cigarettes. It's not good for you. Did you know that? Did you know smoking cigarettes aren't good for you? But beyond that, it's giving. Addict. Okay. It's giving how my brain was working with alcohol, like me trying to moderate, I'm just tired. The mental gymnastics, I'm, I'm sick of it. I'm sick of smoking, so I am going to, I. Try differently this time because I've quit before. I've quit cold Turkey. I don't even know if I can quit cold tur Turkey this time, if I'm being honest. I haven't felt motivated enough, I guess, to really try. Like I've gone days without smoking. I. I can't wait to smoke again. Um, and that's kind of how I felt when I was trying to quit drinking slash moderating. It was like, yeah, I can have two drinks, but I'm not enjoying this. This is not fun for me. So I am gonna use that data from Iceland to really help me quit for good this time, like I don't ever wanna go back again. I don't want summer 2026 to roll around and be like, oh, this is my smoking summer and I'm gonna quit once I get back to work. And no, I'm gonna quit for good forever. This is day zero'cause I haven't quit yet. Um, but I've ordered. All of the things to help me this time. I've ordered patches, nicotine patches, the nicotine gum. I've downloaded Alan Carr, how to Quit Smoking, whatever that book is called. I'm gonna listen to it today. I've had some guests of the show swear by this book. Alan Carr has, you know, how to quit smoking, how to quit drinking, how to Quit vaping. How to Quit Emotional Eating, like Apparently this book. Changes lives. And so I'm gonna try it because what the freak do I have to lose? I have nothing to lose. Everything to gain, and I'm just sick of this dirty little secret that I know is disgusting. And I just, I don't know. I'm like, I hope people don't know. But also I'm like, if they know, they know. Like now they're definitely gonna know. But I'm like, just wondering how good I was actually at hiding this, because unlike drinking. Of course you can smell alcohol in someone's breath, but I just feel like the nicotine, the smoke, like I'm going, I'm putting my hair up to smoke cigarettes so that it doesn't get on, get in my hair, you know, I'm spraying myself so that like, I hopefully don't smell like it and I'm just like, this is gross. Like I just don't wanna do this anymore and it's expensive and it ages you. Okay. I don't wanna look older than 21. Okay. I'm joking. I don't wanna look old though. Um, unnecessarily, like I don't want these fine lines to appear and I don't think they have. But who knows? I could be on the fast track to aging because I keep smoking. I'm gonna quit. So I'll be giving you guys updates all summer long. This is something that I have to. Be open about, and it's reminding me of why I started the sober Butterfly like a month into my sober journey. I created this platform, the Instagram page, so that I could connect with other sober people. Share my story, and inspire people hopefully along the way. Also keeping and holding myself accountable. And so that's why I am just gonna be honest and say like, I'm at day zero. I have an addiction to tobacco. I am smoking. No, I'm not a pack a day girly. I average probably like three cigarettes a day, but this is a problem for me. Like I, I haven't quit and I know I need to. And so, yeah, I'm just gonna put it out there and say that I am. Perfectly flawed and I'm working on fixing this imperfection because it is something that I know can lead to, so many unnecessary problems. And yeah, I'm gonna stop. Thank you guys for listening to my Confession.

the-sober-butterfly_11_06-12-2025_081557: 41:12

If you are struggling with your mental health or if you've been holding on to this like dirty little secret that you're ready to let go I hope this serves as a sign for you. And also I hope you know that you are not alone. You are allowed to be imperfect. You're allowed to start over. You are allowed to change your mind about what you need, and you're allowed to be human. If this episode resonated with you, please share it with someone who needs to hear it. Please leave a review five stars, please, and. Make sure you also follow the Sober Butterfly on Instagram at the period Sober Butterfly and Sober Butterfly podcast. Everything is linked below in the show notes for you. subscribe to my YouTube channel because I'll be releasing my sober vlog to Iceland trip with my mom. Iceland is otherworldly, truly feels like a different planet, which is why so many, like different sci-fi fantasy movies are shot there. So yeah, stay tuned with all the things plug in. And I'll keep you posted on my progress all summer long. I love you guys so much. Until next time, be kind to yourself, be honest, and if you are carrying a secret. Maybe it's time to let it go. I love you. Bye.