Episode 1: Glamos

Welcome to the first episode of Portal Quandary: Prophis! Meet Hymnbo, Noah, Magnolia and Lucille as their paths collide and they experience some unexpected lifestyle changes. They may be facing new troubles, but it’s ok - they’ve got this.

Content warnings for this week’s episode include coarse language, references to alcohol, and fantasy violence.

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Dungeon Master, Community Manager, and Editing is Tyrone Cross      

Noah is Steven Edwards

Hymbo is Nathan Lee

Lucille is Rosemary Ochtman

Magnolia is Jorja Odd

Elias Moffat is our Content Producer and Narrative Consultant

Olive Jerome is our Editing Assistant 

Amelia Nemet is our Transcriber

Theme song is “Belly of The Beast” by Lily Harnath and Henry Lucas (@lilyharnath & @henrylucas5)

Email us at portalquandary@gmail.com 

Sound effects used in this episode include:

INTRO_clouds - levelclearer

lakes.1 - levelclearer

This podcast was recorded on the lands of the Wurundjeri people and produced on the lands of the Awabakal and Wurundjeri people. Portal Quandary acknowledges and pays respect to our traditional custodians and to their past, present, and emerging leaders. 

The story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased) is intended or should be inferred. 

Transcript

Jorja/Magnolia: Portal Quandary has some content warnings. You can check them out in the episode description.

Theme Song: *rock music plays*

Finding home in the belly of the beast, to make it home we can’t accept defeat, so roll the dice and come along with me, finding home in the belly of the beast

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: On a tower-like structure, climbing out of the ground, just beyond a vast field of off-white reeds, a man stands dutifully on one of the many perch-like outcroppings dotted around the outer wall of the structure. He faces the plain, his dark wings gentle sway the only movement that he allows. He adjusts his red-and-gold uniform hat, pulling the brim farther down to shield his eyes from the midday sun. It is a breezy day in something like Summer when Onyx cast his gaze across the encroaching fields of Glamos. Through the opening, behind his lookouts perch on the outer walls of Lambence, he can hear the overwhelming bustle of many joyous voices preparing for the countdown. Vendors are frantically hawking the last of their Moving Day wares, before the celebrations come to a close. The air is alight with anticipation, anxiety, but excitement above all else. Onyx draws his focus back outward to the cream-coloured field. The tall reeds sway restlessly, only in part because of the breeze. A flash of blue in his periphery is the only warning before a woman in a flowing blue-and-gold robe lands on the perch beside him. Crystal clenched in a white-knuckled grip. Her dark hair is pulled away from her face, better revealing the delicate tattoos that run across her cheekbones, down her forehead, and over her chin. Her wings twitch and flutter behind her, betraying her otherwise collected demeanour. 

Tyrone/Thaumus: Any signs of trouble from any of your scouts?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: She asks. Onyx lets his hand fall pointedly to the curled horn attached to his sash and raises an eyebrow. 

Tyrone/Onyx: Yes, yes! Excuse me for being thorough! Just waiting for the all clear from the receiving team, and we’ll be ready to go. So-

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Before he can finish, the air above the field warps, and with a terrible feeling of recognition, Onyx watches as jagged-edged clouds pry the very sky apart. And though it is only distant, his sharp gaze catches four figures that are ejected from whatever void has been summoned. Before the figures have even hit the ground, the portal is gone, folded into itself again and again until the day is as it was a few minutes ago. With one notable difference. Now it sucks. He shares a brief, despairing look with Thaumas before she launches off the perch and darts out of sight. Onyx huffs once then unbuckles the clasp on the horn, takes it to his mouth, and lets loose the warning call to the rest of Lambence.

*horn sound*

He takes to the air before its echoes have faded, hurtling over open fields towards the figures. He readies his bow in the air, well practised hands checking over his quiver, and as he draws closer to the newly arrived beings, he catches snippets of conversation.

Nathan/Hymnbo: Holy, holy, holy shit. Did I get, like, clonked in the head?

Steven/Noah: What part of ComicCon have I ended up in?

Rosie/Lucille: Lucille thinks she’s dead, that’s the only explanation for this.

Jorja/Magnolia: Oh, I think I overdid it this time. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Onyx sighs before diving down to greet them.

Theme Song: *rock music plays*

Finding home in the belly of the beast, to make it home we can’t accept defeat, so roll the dice and come along with me, finding home in the belly of the beast.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Welcome to Portal Quandary: Prophis, and thank you for supporting us as we enter our second arc. Our story takes place in the year 2022, in Melbourne, Australia. Our characters, who you’re about to be introduced to one by one, start their adventures separated. But, will join together soon.

Let’s begin now, with our first player.

*ambient music*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Alrighty, so, Nathan you’re here today and you’re playing Hymnbo. Give us a little bit of info about Hymnbo.

Nathan/Hymnbo: Alright, so Hymnbo, human name is Hayden. He is a tutor at the Australian Music Academy. Yeah, no one wants his tutoring skills. He’s just sitting around the academy with his violin, just hoping to get some students. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, you had a job today. Stephanie was supposed to come into the academy today but she’s currently about fifty-five minutes late at this point.

Nathan/Hymnbo: Damn, I need that twenty bucks, so I’ll still wait for her at the academy. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Alright, let’s get you to roll me a perception check please, Hymnbo. 

Nathan/Hymnbo: Alright.

*rolls die*

Nathan/Hymnbo: It’s a four.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Alright, perhaps you don’t see it. But you know, one of your classmates actually is gonna come up, Jake?

Nathan/Hymnbo: Jake, what do you want? I’m just waiting, right? What do you want?

Tyrone/Jake: Yo, Stephanie’s not coming, mate.

Nathan/Hymnbo: Did she tell you, right? Like, come on. She said she’d be here. 

Tyrone/Jake: Have you like checked her Instagram, though? She was out partying late last night. There’s no way she’s coming in.

Nathan/Hymnbo: I knew it. Alright, okay, alright, I guess I’m just gonna have to find something else to do.

Tyrone/Jake: Funny thing about that, actually. We’re looking for someone over at the LARPing grounds to sort of play some tunes, ‘cause, uh… you know that I’m the sword fighter over at the LARPing on the weekends?

Nathan/Hymnbo: Is this a paying gig?

Tyrone/Jake: Yeah! I’ll pay a hungee bucks!

Nathan/Hymnbo: That’s more than Stephanie would be paying! She’s not coming so, alright! Let’s do this LARPing. Where do I meet you?

Tyrone/Jake: It’s over near the Convention Centre. 

Nathan/Hymnbo: Let’s do it. Okay.

Tyrone/Jake: I’m gonna go get all my shit ready, but just go over to the tent marked ‘Blizzbro’ and the guy will talk to you there.

Nathan/Hymnbo: Blizzbro. Never heard of it. Um, alright. I will look for this random thing called Blizzbro. It’s not something weird is it, right?

Tyrone/Jake: Depends on how much nerdy stuff you usually do, man. You got like an outfit, maybe? Ever had like a Halloween costume or something? 

Nathan/Hymnbo: Oh… You know what? I have a Mrs. Puff costume. 

Tyrone/Jake: A what?

Nathan/Hymnbo: You know Mrs. Puff? She’s like the driving instructor. She’s quite round, a bit on the pointy end? Her tone’s very pointed. 

Tyrone/Jake: I don’t think that’s gonna work for playing the violin.

Nathan/Hymnbo: Doesn’t matter! You’re just gonna have to provide me a costume, then.

Tyrone/Jake: Just go ask the guys over at the Blizzbro tent and they’ll give you something. You can get changed over there. 

Nathan/Hymnbo: Cool, cool cool cool cool. Let’s do it!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Alright, so you’re making your way over to the Convention Centre.

Nathan/Hymnbo: We’re taking an Uber. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’re taking an Uber? Sure.

Nathan/Hymnbo: Scooters! Scooters are all the rage right now.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Alright, you’re gonna take the scooter over with your violin strapped to your back.  

Nathan/Hymnbo:  Yeah. She’s always strapped in.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s just a lovely Melbourne Spring morning. It’s like 8:30 in the morning. It’s a good day. You sort of looking around and you’re seeing a lot of these people in real nerdy, anime sort of costumes, and you’re realising that today’s ComicCon.

Nathan/Hymnbo: They are so cool and so weird. I love them. I love them! What am I signing up to?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Maybe you can go hit up the ComicCon after your gig today!

Nathan/Hymnbo: Better find my way to the Blizzbro tent. Stupid name.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You find your way over to the encampment pretty quickly. There’s a bunch of pavilions around, you can see some marquees. Everyone’s dressed up in armour or mediaeval gear. 

Nathan/Hymnbo: Blessed be, good morrow my smith. I am to do some musical entertainment for you today. 

Tyrone/LARP Player: We don’t hear nothing about no musician. Who the fuck sent you?

Nathan/Hymnbo: My good friend, Goodie Stevesmith, told me that you would need some musical entertainment for this battle today.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: His name was totally Jake, but sure. 

Nathan/Hymnbo: Oh my god.

Tyrone/LArp Player: Oh! Yeah, the sword smith.

Nathan/Hymnbo: Sword! Oh my god, I thought he was Steve. Alright, I remember, Jacob Smith said that he needed some musical entertainment today. Might I interest you in some of my hip-hop 90's tunes. I think this is the part where I’ll pull out my violin and start playing…

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What are you playing?

Nathan/Hymnbo: Maybe some Pony.

*poor imitation of Pony by Ginuwine*

Tyrone/LArp Player: It’s like uh, Mediaeval covers.

Nathan/Hymnbo: Oh! Gotcha, gotcha gotcha gotcha gotcha. Witcher?

Tyrone/LArp Player: Yeah, we fucking love The Witcher.

Nathan/Hymnbo: Witcher, Witcher, Witcher? We love Witcher. Okay.

Tyrone/dungeon Master: So this armour-smith hands you this basically potato-sack of an outfit. 

Tyrone/LArp Player: Here, put this on

Nathan/Hymnbo: This feels poor.

Tyrone/LArp Player: Pauper?

Nathan/Hymnbo: I’ve… you know what? Now that I’m looking at myself in the mirror, I’ve found my poor-pose (purpose). 

Tyrone/LArp Player: Yeah, you can just go get ready in the Blizzbro tent. You can just go get changed in there.

Nathan/Hymnbo: Okay, alright let’s do this. Alright, bye! Any dollar is a dollar. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: After you get changed and emerge from the Blizzbro tent, you’ll come out to a man in full blue robes.

Tyrone/Blizzbro: Howdy and well-met, traveller. 

Nathan/Hymnbo: Might I play a song for you, sir?

Tyrone/Blizzbro: Please do, we gotta see what we’re paying you for. 

Tyrone/dungeon Master: what are you going to play?

Nathan/Hymnbo: Alright, there’s only one song that I know and I’m gonna play it several times, like in Star Wars in the cantina. But it’s the Witcher, Toss a Coin to your Witcher.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Are you gonna sing it as well?

Nathan/Hymnbo: Hey Siri, play ‘Toss a Coin to your Witcher’, I say to my phone, while I also start playing on violin as accompaniment .

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Wait, so you’re playing violin but your phone is singing the vocals? 

Nathan/Hymnbo: It’s 2022.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Roll me a performance.

*rolls die*

Nathan/Hymnbo: Alright. You’re lucky ‘cause I’m quite skilled in performance. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I hope so. You’re the bard. That’s literally your job. 

Nathan/Hymnbo: It is a good five.

Tyrone/Blizzbro: I’m gonna keep an eye on you throughout. We’ll give you fifty now and we’ll see if we get the other fifty after the game.

Nathan/Hymnbo: Alright, okay. Thank you, thank you, thank you. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: He’ll hand you the fifty bucks, and he’s just gonna turn around and charge into the battle with his staff.

*poor imitation hum of Toss a Coin to your Witcher*

Nathan/Hymnbo: This is the performance. Toss a coin to your Witcher. Yeah, that’s it. That’s all I know.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Love. One moment you find yourself playing ‘Toss a Coin to your Witcher’, watching the battle ahead, the Blues versus the Reds, the next moment, all you can see in your field of vision is purple.

*portal ambience*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Purple surrounding you everywhere, swirling in a vortex. If you’ve ever seen Doctor Who, it kind of reminds you of this. I don’t know if Hymnbo watches BBC?

Nathan/Hymnbo: He doesn’t, but it’s very Rick and Morty portalling, but in opposite colours. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Ah yeah, so instead of the green portal, it’s purple.

Nathan/Hymnbo: Yeah, let’s do that.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, and I don’t know if you’ve ever been bungee-jumping, but you get the sensation of free-falling.

Nathan/Hymnbo: He hasn’t. But, I have been drunk and lying on my bed. And if you’ve ever been drunk and lying on your bed and felt this very dizzying free-falling moment, give me a call, ‘cause you’re fun.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You hear that, folks? Give Nathan a call here if you’ve ever been drunk and lying in your bed. Alright, and as you’re free-falling-

Nathan/Hymnbo: Free-falling.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: -through this vast expanse of purple, you suddenly find yourself floating like you’re in the sensation of a swimming pool. And as you look out into this expanse of space, you see planets unlike any of you’ve seen in our solar system. Planets covered in oceans that have enormous, raging storms happening. You fall through another portal and back out again and find yourself in a new solar system. There’s mechanical planets where you see gears turning, before you fall through again and just see suns and planets beyond your comprehension. 

Nathan/Hymnbo: This is one hella trippy LARP.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I think maybe you have been drinking and laying in your bed by the seems of it.

Nathan/Hymnbo: Oh my god. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Before you basically fall unconscious because fuck, this is a lot.

Nathan/Hymnbo: This is me hitting my head. Skadoosh. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The next thing you remember is waking up to the sound of a horn, like a conch. 

*conch sound*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Alright, hi Steven. You’re playing Noah Baker. Tell us a little bit about Noah.

Steven/Noah: Yeah, so Noah is a biomechanical  engineer. He owns two bee farms on the roof of his apartment. He has two queens of those hives. One is Bee-yonce, and the other is Honey Boo Boo. He loves them to pieces, they are the loves of his life. In his spare time, he likes to assemble Lego. So, rather than buying a kit that’s premade, he likes to go online and design his own and then orders in spare parts and builds them from that. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What a fucking nerd. 

Steven/Noah: Yeah! 100% He’s a total nerd.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, it is ComicCon today. You’ve got your costume ready to go?

Steven/Noah: Yes, I am dressed as Link from The Legend of Zelda. The Ocarina of Time Link, though, not Breath of the Wild or Twilight Princess, any of those fake ones. It’s only Ocarina of Time.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And you’re currently on your rooftop of your apartment building as you’re saying goodbye to your bees the day.

Steven/Noah: Yes, yes. I’m giving them… I’m saying my fair goodbyes to my beautiful queens as I depart for the day.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What does a goodbye sound like? 

Steven/Noah: I guess it’d be, watering the plants that they would be eating throughout the day. Yeah, maybe blowing a kiss to them as I depart.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Love. Alright, so you’re dressed up as Link, you're ready for ComicCon. You’re on the rooftop, so you know it’s a lovely Saturday morning, it’s about 8:30 in the morning, and you’re off to meet your friend Sam?

Steven/Noah: Yes, my friend Sam, I’m gonna meet her there. She is gonna be the Zelda to my Link, so she’ll be dressed as Ocarina of Time Zelda.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What if she’s the wrong Zelda?

Steven/Noah: She’s not the wrong Zelda because we’ve gone over this and I’ve made sure she knows exactly what she should wear. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: How are you getting to ComicCon today?

Steven/Noah: So I’ll be catching public transport, probably training to ComicCon. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Alrighty, so we’re gonna go catch the train over to ComicCon. The train is absolutely jam-packed full of fucking nerds.

Steven/Noah: Excellent. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’ve got some Genshin Impact characters in there, you’ve got probably some anime characters, like some Naruto, I don’t know, some…

Steven/Noah: Some wannabe Links who are wearing like Breath of the Wild and other stupid costumes.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I’m getting the sense that you hate Breath of the Wild.

Steven/Noah: I don’t but Noah does.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So we’re at ComicCon. You’ve arrived at the Exhibition Centre where it’s being held this year, as it is every other year. Sam has just texted you letting you know that they’re probably gonna be maybe half an hour late.

Steven/Noah: Classic Sam. Yeah, sounds about right. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, what are you gonna go look around at in the meantime? 

Steven/Noah: Well, obviously I’m gonna hunt down on the Lego, so I’ll go around and see if I can see some Lego stalls, because that’s what I’m here for, really.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Are you looking for anything in particular in your Lego?

Steven/Noah: Just inspirations. So, as a creator, I’d be looking for some things that I’ve never done before, like certain mechanisms that the way they work. Yeah. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Well, you get around to the Lego section. I don’t even if ComicCon has Lego sections, but it does now. You go over there, there’s these sort of dragons that have like flapping mechanics and they can breathe fire from the inside, like they open their mouth and a big fireball comes out.

Steven/Noah: Very intriguing, very intriguing. I think Noah likes that, definitely.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’ve got that cool one that’s like, the waves moving and then the boat moves on it as well when the contraption goes, it’s like battery-operated.

Steven/Noah: Adorable, nice. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Aaaaand… a blimp. It’s like a big floating device and it’s very hard to tell, it’s like rigged to a frame from the ceiling, basically.

Steven/Noah: Yep, Noah is definitely very interested in that one. The fact that that i’s levitating on it’s own is very, very interesting.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What sort of stuff is Noah designing at the moment?

Steven/Noah: I guess Noah’s sort of looking into things that can fly. he’s very interested in flight, you know? I guess modelled after bees would probably be where he’s going with that. Little Lego creations that can hopefully fly on their own, because he’s very, very intrigued. He knows that scientifically, bees should not be able to fly based on their biology, and so he wants to see if he can employ that using Lego and hopefully get some bees that actually fly.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Are you about to give me the intro to The Bee Movie script? That’s the start of The Bee Movie script, just saying. Love that for you. Are you buying anything, sorry?

Steven/Noah: I mean, probably not buying anything, I would probably just be writing down notes based on what I see from the dragon and from the blimp. Probably less interested in the boat, to be honest, but definitely the dragon and the blimp. I’d probably just be furiously writing down notes and trying to see how they work, what pieces they’re using, that sort of thing.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, you are there one moment, looking at Lego, taking your notes on your Lego, and the next moment you find yourself surrounded by purple.

*portal ambience*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I don’t know if Noah’s ever watched Doctor Who?

Steven/Noah: Probably, probably.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: He’s living his own Doctor Who fantasy right now as he finds his portal and is just falling through. Is Noah the type of person to go bungee jumping or free falling of any kind? 

Steven/Noah: No, probably not.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Well, this is exactly what he imagines it’s like, and this is probably the exact reason he doesn’t go, ‘cause it feels awful. You are free falling through this purple. And then, suddenly the sensation changes and it feels like you’re in a swimming pool of sorts sort of floating in the air as you look around into galaxies, you look around and see space. There’s planets around that you’ve never seen. There’s one planet in particular that’s like purple with this alien sort of vegetation and fauna that you can see on it. But before you can get too close of a look, you fall again into another purple environment, and then fall out again, at which point, you’re probably feeling gross as hell. You see another planet, it is like a gas giant, similar to Jupiter; swirling tornados cover the surface. Before you fall again, into a portal, at which point you probably pass out. And then, you wake up to the sound of a horn or a conch. 

*conch sound*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Hi Jorja! You’re playing Magnolia. Tell us a little bit about Magnolia if you could.

JORJA/Magnolia: Sure, okay! Magnolia is a 24-year-old female student. She studies paleo-botany and she very much loves the gym. She likes to be outside as much as possible and works tending to a greenhouse. She is a lean, muscular person, and you often see her fiddling with her necklace that is a magnolia petal encased in resin.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Love! And for those people, including me, who doesn’t know what a paleo-botanist is…?

JORJA/Magnolia: So, paleo-botany is the study of ancient plants, specifically flowers.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Mm, that sounds very niche, very niche, I’m loving it. We’ve got a scientist character as well, another scientist character so this is gonna be very interesting. 

Alrighty, so it’s a Friday afternoon, it’s like 4:55. You’re finishing up at work, you’re tending to the flowers, giving them a good water for the weekend, I imagine?

JORJA/Magnolia: Yeah, just sort of doing a once around, making sure that everything’s in its place, looking happy and healthy.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Love. As you’re watering that last plant just in time, your ringtone goes off. 

JORJA/Magnolia: I think she would very fumbly take off whatever gardening gloves she has on and then reach into - I assume she’s probably wearing like big overalls to cover her normal clothes - reaches into her deep pocket and pulls out her phone to answer.

Tyrone/CHLOE: Maggie, girl, what you doing tonight?

JORJA/Magnolia: Um, hi. I didn’t have any plans, why? Let me guess, you have something you need me to go to you with?

Tyrone/CHLOE: Yes, it’s Chloe here, I just finished doing my reps at the gym and I think we need to go out.

JORJA/Magnolia: *sighs* There’s no way I’m gonna get out of this, is there? 

Tyrone/Chloe: Come on. Matt’s gonna be there, Stacey…?

JORJA/Magnolia: Well, yeah okay. If everyone’s going, I’ll come along.

Tyrone/Chloe: Alright, pres are at mine, like just get ready and come on over. We’re gonna get fucked up. Byeeeeee.

JORJA/Magnolia: Bye!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, just heading home, getting ready, that sort of vibe?

JORJA/Magnolia: Yeah, I think… wasn’t too into the idea but knowing that everyone’s going is gonna definitely listen to some music to pump her up on the way home and then go get ready and head over.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What sort of music does she listen to?

JORJA/Magnolia: Ooh, okay! I think on the way home, it’s gonna be K-Pop.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Ooh, okay! She’s a little bit of a K-Pop stan! 

JORJA/Magnolia: Oh yeah, for sure!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I think we’re gonna fast- we’ve got a bit of a night ahead of us, I think. Pres at Chloe’s house and then we’re heading out to the club. What’s your drink of choice?

JORJA/Magnolia: Her drink of choice is Mojitos, but ‘cause she goes out a fair bit with her friends, a lot of the bar staff know her and like as she gets drunker and drunker her they switch her to like a gin and tonic, something that’s super easy to make and she doesn’t even notice.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Are they at least putting it in the Mojito glass or is she that messed up that she doesn’t even realise the glass is different?

JORJA/Magnolia: It starts off in the same glass, and then they can see at a point her eyes get a little glassy and they’re like ‘okay, we can just do whatever, she won’t notice’.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: At least you’re honest about her. I’m gonna say roll me a constitution save to see how we’re going with those drinks tonight.

JORJA/Magnolia: Fourteen.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s actually pretty good, I didn’t expect her to go that well. You’re getting your latest Mojito for the night, and I don’t know what number we’re on, I’m thinking like five or six at least.

JORJA/Magnolia: Yeah, she’s probably not a lightweight but she definitely gets a little sloppy at like eight.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, you’ve just asked for a Mojito, and the bar staff have definitely just handed you a gin and tonic.

JORJA/Magnolia: Wonderful; she is oblivious!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Alright, alright, we’ll take it. You have not seen Stacey, Chloe, or Matt for sometime now. What are you gonna do about that?

JORJA/Magnolia: A little bit worrying. I think she will call Matt, knowing that Chloe won’t answer and then she might try Stacey if she can’t get hold of Matt.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Who’s the most reliable friend?

JORJA/Magnolia: Probably Matt.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: As you go to call him, you catch a glimpse at the time on your phone. It’s 8:30am on Saturday morning.

JORJA/Magnolia: Oh shit! No words, just no words.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: As you go to call Matt, you can hear the ringing happening, with your phone opposite your ear. One minute, you’re standing in the club - also trying to make a phone call in the middle of the club, interesting - the next minute, all you see around you is purple.

*portal ambience*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Purple everywhere. Has she ever been like bungee jumping or skydiving or anything like that?

JORJA/Magnolia: Definitely bungee jumping, yeah.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Alright, you are familiar with the sensation then if you’ve been bungee jumping, because you are currently free falling, which is not sitting well with those five or six Mojitos slash gin and tonics. And as you’re falling, you suddenly feel almost like you’ve plummeted into a swimming pool. You feel weightless all of a sudden, and as you look around you see planets, and you know our solar system, but this does not match up. You see a city that has sort of rings similar to Saturn, but there are metropolises on its rings, before you fall into another portal again and you’re surrounded by purple, before quickly falling out again and finding a planet that’s not different from Mars, it’s a barren wasteland, red dirt everywhere, before you fall again, and at this point I think you’ve passed out, honestly.

JORJA/Magnolia: Yeah, I think after the first planet, vomited in her mouth, and then maybe again after the second portal, and then pass out.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I think it’s the Mojitos. Or probably just because you’re free falling. When you come to, you wake up to the sound of a conch, like a horn,

*conch sound*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And hello, we’re here with Rosie. Rosemary? Rosie.

Rosie/Lucille: Whichever. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You do you. You’re playing Lucy slash Lucille. Do you want to tell us a little bit about her?

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah, so she works on her own goat farm which she has inherited down through generations of goat farmers. She does not wish to disclose her last name, ‘cause she thinks that’s a bit silly and that we shouldn’t be giving away that much information.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Alright, she’s a bit distrusting of everyone, by the sounds of it. You live in rural Victoria, not Melbourne, but you’re here today in Melbourne, lovely sunny day, top of 30 degrees, it’s about nine or so in the morning, and you’re in doing you’re monthly shop.

Rosie/Lucille: Yes, that is right, I am in doing my monthly shop. And this time, I actually need to get tea towels. I’m using too many of them when I was milking the goats. They’ve all got this smell to them now. It’s a bit like sour, off milk but deep down I kind of like it.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I am horrified, horrified by that. So you’ve already done your grocery shopping?

Rosie/Lucille: Yes, that’s correct, it’s all in my cool bag.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Just one bag for a month’s worth of shopping?

Rosie/Lucille: That’s correct. I grow most of the rest myself.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What do you grow on this goat farm?

Rosie/Lucille: Goats. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Do you grow anything else?

Rosie/Lucille: Yes, yes of course. Tomatoes, lettuce, cucumbers, eggplants - sometimes the goats eat the eggplants - a few other things too, you know. Have my grains, corn, yeah.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I’m interested to know how to grow goats, but that’s another subject altogether. So, we’re gonna go find our tea towels over at the… are we just getting wool for the tea towels or you just gonna buy the tea towels?

Rosie/Lucille: I’m just going to buy the tea towels, this time.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Usually you make them from the goat’s fur.

Rosie/Lucille: I have in the past, but this year, they’ve been shedding all over the fields. Haven’t been able to collect the fur enough, so I thought I’d give in and buy some from the store.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So you’ve gone down to your local Big W or your department store-

Rosie/Lucille: No, no, no, no. Not Big W. I go to Bunnings.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Bunnings for tea towels? That’s a hardware store for all you non-Australians.

Rosie/Lucille: Yes, I actually get carpet for my tea towels if I’m buying them, and then I cut the bit of wool off from the bottom of the carpet and then I have a nice, thick tea towel to go with the thick fur of what’s usually is the goat’s fur.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: We’re at our local Bunnings.

Tyrone/Bunnings Employee: Gooday ma’am, how can I help ya? 

Rosie/Lucille: Oh hello, I’d like some carpet. Can you point me in the right direction?

Tyrone/Bunnings Employee:  Yeah, carpet, just down aisle thirteen. Is there anything I can help you with specifically?

Rosie/Lucille: I’ll look myself.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Heading on down to the carpet section, we’ve got a nice selection of carpet. I know many things about carpet. We’ve got shag carpet, we’ve got that synthetic thing. we’ve got the real expensive thing made of sheep’s wool.

Rosie/Lucille: That. I want that.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Goes for about fifty bucks a square metre.

Rosie/Lucille: Fifty bucks?! Ridiculous.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s authentic.

Rosie/Lucille: Can you prove it?

Tyrone/Bunnings Employee: Uh, I can only go with what it says on the sign there. I only get paid twenty bucks an hour, I can’t really prove anything. 

Rosie/Lucille: Can I kinda feel the fur to test if it’s real?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Roll me an intelligence check. 

*rolls dice*

Rosie/Lucille: Eleven. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Eleven. 

Tyrone/Bunnings Employee: Honestly, I don’t know how authentic it is, but it’s the price, it’s Bunnings, you can’t really barter with me ‘cause that’s the price.

Rosie/Lucille: Alright, do you have anything less ridiculous priced?

Tyrone/Bunnings Employee: We’ve got this lovely synthetic carpet here for 20 bucks a square metre.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I like how he asked if you wanted something, you said no, and he came over anyway.

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah, yeah, sounds like most salespeople.

Tyrone/Bunnings Employee: You gonna go for the twenty bucks one?

Rosie/Lucille: As much as Lucille does not want to give in and go with the synthetic one, I think this time I’m gonna have to do it. Goats aren’t selling for as much as they used to. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Goat economic crisis.

Tyrone/Bunnings Employee: Alright, well I’ll just rig you up there. You just buying a square metre?

Rosie/Lucille: I think I’ll get two square metres.

Tyrone/Bunnings Employee: It’s forty bucks then.

Rosie/Lucille: Forty bucks!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I imagine you’re the type of person to pay in fifty cent pieces or something?

Rosie/Lucille: No, no, no. I’ve got a whole little roll of bank notes that I got out, just for this occasion.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Do you keep them in like an elastic band?

Rosie/Lucille: Yes, of course.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You pull out an elastic band of five dollar notes. You pay in five dollar notes. It’s probably like a suspicious amount of money to have in a roll as well, because you probably don’t trust the EFTPOS machine.

Rosie/Lucille: I don’t trust the bank at all. The moment they’ve got your money, they can just do whatever they want with it. They can trade it overseas, do God knows what, so all of mine’s cash. Or gold.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You have gold?

Rosie/Lucille: *clears throat*. Yes. 

Tyrone/Bunnings Employee: Won’t question that, whatever. Here’s your two square metres of carpet, synthetic carpet.

Rosie/Lucille: I’m gonna walk out like really really disgusted by it, holding it in my hand.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Is it time to go home?

Rosie/Lucille: After that disappointing last stop, yeah.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: How did you get here today?

Rosie/Lucille: On the train. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Let’s make our way back to Flinders Street Station. We get there, it’s chaotic as hell, way too many people than what you’re used to on the goat farm, population one plus about fifty goats. You’re on the platform and you hear the *sound* The next stop is Flinders Street Station.

Rosie/Lucille:  I’m just gonna turn around and flip off the voice.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So a bunch of people are around and this old lady turns around  at the sound of this voice and flips off the air. 

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah, it’s like this really angry face, ‘cause they just keep talking over my thoughts. Yeah, so I’m just here, just thinking ahead, thinking about what’s going to happen on the train, and this voice just keeps coming over. No one wants to hear it, we can all read the signs, what’s the point of the voice?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I guess blind people don’t exist, Rosie.

Rosie/Lucille: This is Lucille, not Rosie, so um…

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Sorry. As you’re looking around today, you see a whole bunch of… reminds you of your grandson. Your grandson’s really into those anime.

Rosie/Lucille: Oh. Not anime. Lucille hates anime.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: There’s a bunch of people around the train station today and they’re all dressed like those silly little anime characters. 

Rosie/Lucille: Well, I kinda look around and really start to take it in and notice how many there are, and I want to walk up to one of them.

Tyrone/Commuter: Uh, hi?

Rosie/Lucille: What are you dressed up for? What’s all this, what’s the costume for?

Tyrone/Commuter: Hi ma’am. I’m going to ComicCon.

Rosie/Lucille: Can’t even talk properly. What was that? Comi, Comma what?

Tyrone/Commuter: ComicCon? I’m dressed up as Luigi.

Rosie/Lucille: And I just don’t answer him and walk away.

*train ambience*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The train has arrived.

Rosie/Lucille: Okay, I’m gonna walk onto the train and sit not in the old lady or disabled spot, because Lucille does not believe in being helped in that kind of way. So she’s going to go and sit up in the middle of the tram with her bags.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Do you actively not pick the priority seat-

Rosie/Lucille: Wait, not tram, train.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Same thing to her, honestly. So you’re actively not picking the priority seating?

Rosie/Lucille: Yep.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Stunning. As you’re there, finally getting your thoughts back together after that stupid woman talking over you and interrupting your thoughts honestly, you’re sitting there looking through your shopping, and one moment you’re on the train, and the next moment, you are surrounded by purple. 

*portal ambience*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Everywhere you look it’s purple, everywhere. I don’t know what sort of life Lucille has lived, don’t know if she’s ever gone skydiving or bungee jumping or anything.

Rosie/Lucille: Absolutely not.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s the sensation of falling, which I’m sure she’s becoming more familiar with as she gets older.

Rosie/Lucille: Absolutely not.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Well, you have this sensation of falling, it is becoming a new sensation entirely apparently to Lucille. As you fall, then suddenly you find yourself feeling weightless, like in a swimming pool. Or perhaps not a pool, perhaps down by the local dam, as Lucille likes to swim in, I’m sure?

Rosie/Lucille: Not in the dam. You don’t ever swim in still water.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: By the local river, perhaps. 

Rosie/Lucille: Yes.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Feeling a weightlessness, you look around and you see planets, you see a desert planet completely made up of sandstorms. Then you fall through again and you’re falling again before coming out again before seeing a glacial planet covered in icy peaks and raging snow storms. And then you fall again, and this much falling for anybody is enough to knock you unconscious. And then we wake up to the sound of a conch, like a horn.

*conch sound*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Where you find yourselves now is in this field of reeds that are raising above your heads and some more than others, with some of them it reaches to just above their head some of them it's twice the size of you. They all glow like a radiant, radiant golden glow and you look around and you see each other suddenly. Your consciousness has just realised that there are other people around you. People, question mark, because besides yourselves which we can introduce who was who in a second, standing in this field is some sort of devil looking figure. He's got black pupils and a barbed tail, his skin is completely red. We've got a fairy, question mark, it's like a nice young looking woman with dragonfly wings and about half the size of a normal person. Then we have like a rabbit if they were the size of a person, and we have just like a normal looking guy and he's half the size of everybody else and he's got like this big white beard. So, that is what everybody sees. I think I want to go around and introduce who is who, and you can describe a bit more in detail what you look like based more than just what I've just said. Magnolia. 

JORJA/Magnolia: Okay, I'm the rabbit. I'm about five seven, I wanna say. She has very red fur with some white patches and one ear is kind of floppy but she looks very, very strong even, for a rabbit. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I've just remembered that this rabbit is wearing cute black-and-white shorts like a bum bag over their shoulder and like a strappy-looking top.

JORJA/Magnolia: Yeah, yeah she's got a good fit on and I would imagine because she has rabbit feet now that her shoes have kind of just slipped off, so there's just a pair of Converse in the field somewhere.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Pre-converse someone?. Lucille.

Rosie/Lucille: Yes, hello that's me. I'm the fairy, by the way, yeah, that's me. So, as the fairy she has kind of really just white hair and she's wearing this purple sweater slash knitted cardigan thing that she's definitely made herself. She looks kind of cute though, like she's kind of had a glow up now she's a fairy except she still has this kind of pinched expression constantly, like she's constantly angry but she doesn't quite know how to say it. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Well, this young looking fairy who doesn't look like she dresses for her age almost, she dresses like an old woman even though she is twenty. Moving over to Hymnbo.

Nathan/Hymnbo: Hymnbo, he's the demony-looking guy. He's got a slim build. Mainly smooth, not much hair one would probably compare it to the human world twinks. You might need to Google what twink is, and he's carrying his violin, red skin, that's part of the demon, and crazy black hair. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Black hair not blue hair?

Nathan/Hymnbo: In certain lights, I mean like, yeah.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That real dark blue that’s…

Nathan/Hymnbo: In direct sunlight, yes, real dark blue. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: This is two for two. You've been playing… this is the second time in this Portal Quandary that you've played a twink.

Nathan/Hymnbo: I have my types, we're allowed to have our types. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Last but not least, your name escapes me. Noah.

Steven/Noah: Noah. Noah Baker. Yeah, I'm the short king. I've got, yeah, long long-ish white hair and a long white beard. I'm only sitting about four and a half feet tall which is, you know, very different from my six foot tall human. so I'm dressed in a Link costume from Ocarina of Time. I have a sword and a shield with me that feels a little heavier than when I went through the portal, which is interesting, and yeah the clothes no longer fit me, they're a lot larger now so they're sort of swimming on my poor little frame.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I will say that your clothes have shrunk to match.

Steven/Noah: Okay, fair enough.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Otherwise we'd probably have a naked gnome and a naked fairy on our hands right about as now. Now that we've introduced each other, you notice each other. What’s your first reaction, especially seeing something that isn't human, you might not necessarily realise to begin with what you look like either?

Steven/Noah: Um, yeah I'm definitely gonna probably question the giant rabbit that's, that's a little odd. Maybe, maybe I'll turn to the rabbit and just ask who they're dressed up as who are they meant to be?

Jorja/Magnolia: What do you mean who am I meant to be, I'm just me. What are you? 

Steven/Noah: I mean I'm obviously Link, clearly, but from Ocarina of Time.

Jorja/Magnolia: Okay yeah I just wasn't sure which game and I'd probably start moving my hands and see that they're fur just go, ‘Oh, oh okay’.

Steven/Noah: Yeah, so who's that meant to be?

Jorja/Magnolia: I wasn't dressed up as anything. I'm just gonna start grabbing my whole body in different areas, she's like okay this is just this isn't right, this isn't what I am supposed to be.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: In my head, I’ve just realised that Noah probably thinks that you're a furry.

Jorja/Magnolia: Who’s to say I'm not?

Steven/Noah: I mean, I didn't want to say it.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I feel like this is a very different experience for Noah because Noah probably feels mostly like himself and he's like everyone else is weird.

Rosie/Lucille: Well, I'm just kind of lying there. Just lying on the grounds looking up at the sky and then listening to all this going on around me and just really accepting that, alright. This is it, I've died, and I mean there's nothing I can really do about it so I'm just lying there.

Jorja/Magnolia: Is this out loud? Are you saying that out loud or…?

Steven/Noah: Acceptance.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: This fairy lying on the ground since being like ‘That’s it, this is the end, I finally reached it’. 

Nathan/Hymnbo: So, uh, while the furry rabbit and the old man in a Link costume are talking, uh I might kneel down next to the um old lady with wings and just say, “Okay, like what what do you think is going on?” Obviously not realising I have a red tail and look demony. 

Rosie/Lucille: I look him in the eyes and I say, “I knew it would be you”. Lucille really think she's in hell right now.

Nathan/Hymnbo: You don't think you've made it to Heaven?

Rosie/Lucille: Well, there's a demon looking at me.

Nathan/Hymnbo: Gotta reflect on some choices you've made in your life.

Rosie/Lucille: No, I think Lucille thought she would be getting into heaven now she's lying here and what she thinks is the afterlife and there's suddenly this demon coming up to her asking her if she's okay and what she thinks is going on, and she's like, ‘I don't know’. She's just kind of gonna lie there because she thinks nothing matters.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Everybody roll me a perception check, please.

*rolls dice*

Rosie/Lucille: Fourteen.

Nathan/Hymnbo: Seven.

Steven/Noah: Eight. 

Jorja/Magnolia:  I also got fourteen.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I suppose because Lucille is laying down looking up, that she sees this and Magnolia is just a bit taller than the average Joe. 

Steven/Noah: Rude. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Stolen your place as tall king. That you see the reeds around you start to rustle with some movement, and what emerges is this giant - you want to call it a buffalo - a giant buffalo whose fur glows with the same sort of radiant gold energy. It's got curled ram horns. When you look into its eyes, its eyes are like a golden fire, and it looks aggressive. It looks like it's gonna charge.

Jorja/Magnolia: I’m going to instinctively pick up the little man next to me.

Steven/Noah: Wee!

Jorja/Magnolia: And I'm just gonna yell out, “Oh, we should move.” Just run away from it. I just turn you.

Steven/Noah: What, why? 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Everybody roll me initiative.

*rolls dice*

Steven/Noah: Five. 

Rosie/Lucille: Twenty-one. 

Nathan/Hymnbo: Thirteen. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Seventeen.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: There’s some pretty decent roles, barring Noah. Now to roll for it. Alright, so I'm just gonna go over combat really quickly because we did it slightly different in Season One. So, Season One I let basically all of you roll combined initiative, kind of didn't work out the way I wanted especially when you guys, when they one shot the fairies that attacked them in Season One. So, we're gonna keep it back to our individual initiative taking turn on it, but if you want to hold an action perhaps your entire turn or perhaps you want to move but you don't want to take your standard action yet, you can hold it, but you have to use it by the time it comes around to your turn again next. So maybe think about that. Maybe you want to pull off some cool combos together, I don't know. Maybe you want to pick up Noah and throw him or something like that, it could be tactical like that but also the enemies can do that.

Jorja/Magnolia: Oh, the enemies can throw Noah?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes. 

Steven/Noah: Yay! Lucky me!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So top of the round, Lucille, you're lying on the ground with this demon looking over you and the buffalo that's just emerged from the reeds 

Rosie/Lucille: Well, Lucille instantly fight or flight instinct kicks in and she's fighting. So, she jumps up and instinctively, as if it's one of her goats, she picks up her bag and it goes, “Bad! Bad! Get back into the paddock!” and tries to hit it.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That’s so good, roll me an attack roll.

Rosie/Lucille: Um, just a nat twenty. 

Nathan/Hymnbo: Crit-ical.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So that thing I was saying about one shot here. Not yet but fuck, roll for damage 

Rosie/Lucille: Four, eight.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So it takes sixteen points of damage.

Rosie/Lucille: Nice. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: All bludgeoning damage, from a level one character.

Rosie/Lucille: Lucille means business.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So you walk right up to this buffalo and you bang it right on the head. And it kind of looks back at you like it has this has never happened to it before it is taken aback, usually people run from it in fear 

Rosie/Lucille: Amazing. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Is there anything else you'd like to do? You've got a bonus action.

Rosie/Lucille: I'd like to kick it in the nose.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s not a bonus actually, I'm sorry, that's another standard action.

Rosie/Lucille: Alright, I would like to boop it on the nose.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You say ‘Bad, bad’, and then boop it.

Rosie/Lucille: This is all that I wanted!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Next on the running order is Magnolia.

Jorja/Magnolia: Um, how tall is it?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It is, I want to say, ten feet. ten feet tall.

Jorja/Magnolia: Cool, cool. I'll just drop the gnome. Not high enough that he gets hurt, but it's just absentmindedly, and then I'm unaware of this ability but I think I'm just gonna try to… there's clearly no calming this beast down after that so I'm gonna try to jump up and just hit it from above and I think my little rabbit hop would activate so as a bonus action I jumped ten feet in the air and then I'm gonna come down and punch it.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I said ten feet and you were like ‘Perfect’. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah, I was like, ‘Oh that's exactly what I wanted to hear’. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Roll an unarmed strike, I believe. 

*rolls die*

Jorja/Magnolia: That would be another natural one. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The delivery. I thought it was another twenty, I swear to God.

Jorja/Magnolia: I biffed. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Well, alright, the consequences. You jump up- did you just put it in dice gaol?

Jorja/Magnolia: Yep.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You jump up ten feet in the air, not realising your own foot strength, I guess that's what you call it, and you essentially yeet yourself over this buffalo entirely. You flip out and you sort of start spinning out of control as you land behind it, and as you make contact with its back you realise that this hurts like touch, making contact with it, hurts like it gives you a burning sensation as you touch it as you take 

*rolls die*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Six points of damage.

Jorja/Magnolia: Okay, cool, I'm still drunk so I just think ‘Oh, this is this is why we don't drink and drive’, and I'll just throw up a little bit 

Steven/Noah: Thank you for dropping the gnome first.

Jorja/Magnolia: I’ve got you.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You've got a bonus action, if you'd like. 

Jorja/Magnolia: My hop was my bonus action.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh.

Jorjia/Magnolia: Free action, just throw up. That's it. I'm done.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: This rabbit jumps over this buffalo and vomits. Hymnbo.

Nathan/Hymnbo: I am first going to run towards the very strong fairy, okay, because she's got like she's got some arms on her and move behind her, and then for my bonus action, I will cast Bardic Inspiration on The Gnome 

Jorja/Magnolia: The Gnome.

Nathan/Hymnbo: Saying, “You got this!”, which actually gives him a bonus 1D6 to his next roll, and then I will actually cast a cantrip, Vicious Mockery. and my insult that I'm going to use against it is, “Buffalo is correct because you've got buffa-low self-esteem!’.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I felt that.

Nathan/Hymnbo: Okay, and now the buffalo has to make a wisdom saving throw.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What’s the DC?

Nathan/Hymnbo: Thirteen. 

*rolls die*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Rolled a six. So, what happens with this Vicious Mockery?

Nathan/Hymnbo: Number one, it starts crying. My self esteem? Buffa-low self esteem. And then it's a 1D4, so two points of psychic damage and disadvantages on your next attack roll. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You see this buffalo and it's golden fire eyes. you just see like a single tear come down its cheek. I'm curious about this barter inspiration though if we backtrack for a second. What is it? You literally just say ‘You got this!’?

Nathan/Hymnbo: That is how I buff my allies. Yes, ‘You you you… You got this!’ with finger guns! Pew, pew.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: With that level of delivery?

Nathan/Hymnbo: I think anyone who heard that would feel very inspired. ‘You got this’. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Is there a little…. I wonder if there's like a visual representation of this almost, does it like, does Noah get like a little glow about him or is there like a little spark that comes from your finger guns? I'm curious.

Nathan/Hymnbo: It’s sort of like a glow in the shape of a musical note, pew pew, and then it will travel to his ear and then he will just like hear the words ‘You got this’, feeling in his bones, and if he needs to use it, there you go, you can. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Just turns into an ASMR track as it travels through the air. Alright, then moving down it is now the buffalo's turn and the buffalo does have disadvantage on his next attack roll, thanks to vicious mockery..

Nathan/Hymnbo: Poor self-esteem will do that to you.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The buffalo is going to look at Hymnbo, and by default then Lucille because he's hiding behind Lucille and also you did bonk it on the nose.

Rosie/Lucille: Well, it's his fault. Should have been in the paddock.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What if this isn't the paddock?

Rosie/Lucille: Well, it's in my space. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’re gonna see the fire in his eyes start glowing brighter and brighter and…

*rolls die*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: … I rolled a sixteen and then I rolled a one. You see the fire build up and build up and then it seems to disappear inside the buffalo, like the flames disappear as they seem to shrink back inside it now. It just has hollow pupils and it takes…

*rolls die*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: … seven points of damage.

Rosie/Lucille: Nice. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Noah. 

Steven/Noah: Hey.

Nathan/Hymnbo: You’ve got this.

Steven/Noah: I feel likeit's tears extinguished its own flame 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I think that's canonically, yeah, what happened. You forced it to cry which put out its flame.

Steven/Noah: Alright, well I am the legendary hero of time so I'm gonna grab my sword, which as I said feels a lot heavier than it did prior to coming through this portal, so I'm gonna take this sword in my hand and it's gonna start feeling very charged. I don't know what's happening, but some sort of Arcane Weapon appears to be occurring to this sword in my hand and it's gonna gain additional lightning damage.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Is Arcane Weapon a bonus action?

Steven/Noah: Yeah, and then and then I'm gonna hit him with it.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: As Ocarina of Time Link, are you doing a Skyward Sword strike?

Nathan/Hymnbo: No, I'm doing a spin attack.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Roll that attack roll.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Remind me again how I'm supposed to use Bardic. Inspiration.

Nathan/Hymnbo: If you need to increase your roll, say for an attack roll, an ability check, or a saving throw, for the next ten minutes you can add a 1D6.  

Steven/Noah: And I have to decide as I make the roll?

Nathan/Hymnbo: You have to do it…

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: … before I tell you the result.

Steven/Noah: Yes, okay, so if I roll, say, my attack roll, and I'm not happy with it, I can then roll a D6 before you tell me what my target is?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Correct? 

Steven/Noah: Okay, so I will roll an attack roll.

*rolls die*

Steven/Noah: Okay, so I'm sitting at an eight which means I feel like I should probably use this dice.

Nathan/Hymnbo: You’ve got this, you've got this.

Steven/Noah: Alright, I got this. 

*rolls die*

Steven/Noah: What did I say? I got eight, so twelve.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You charge up this spin attack. Noah just points the sword out and starts spinning real fast and is cutting down the reeds. but he is not cutting down this buffalo. I think that's what Link actually does, cuts down the grass with his Spin Attack.

Steven/Noah: Damn. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master:Anyone who doesn't play Zelda and is listening right now, I'm sorry. How alienated you're probably feeling right now. 

Rosie/Lucille: Hello, it's me.

Steven/Noah: That’s very true. I hope I picked up some rupees, at least.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I believe that's your turn up/

Steven/Noah: Yeah. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Back top of the round now. Lucille.

Rosie/Lucille: Well, Lucille is starting to feel  a bit annoyed at this thing because she saw the fire go out of its eyes and she was like, ‘What, it’s just gonna give up?’. She’s going to run at it again with her walking stick and give it one last, hopefully, stab it in the eye. She’s gonna kind of jump up into the air, and as she jumps she's gonna kind of realise that she's flying. Or is that a no?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Roll me an attack roll.

Rosie/Lucille: That’s an eight. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You know what, with an eight, you go up to jump to hit and swing at the buffalo. You’ve missed the buffalo and that is because you are much higher in the air than you thought you would be as you realise that these wings that you only just realise that you have have started fluttering and you are about seven feet in the air.

Rosie/Lucille: Oh fuck, yeah Lucille’s pretty spooked right now. She doesn't do great with heights. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Probably why she hasn't gone bungee jumping or anything before.

Rosie/Lucille: Of course not, what a ridiculous thing to do. Lucille’s pretty freaked out right now. She's going to kind of blame everyone around her and be like, “What are you fools doing to me, why have you done this? Someone get me down!” She’s very unhappy.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s that darn-nabbit demon. 

Rosie/Lucille: Has to be him. Can I, do I manage to fly down? Can I fly down? Am I just stuck there forever? Is this life now?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Trying to think what a fly check is in fifth ed. Let's go with the… I was gonna say acrobatics?

Rosie/Lucille: Oh, plus four, nice, that's a solid nine.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You, no. You can't fly back down. You're stuck in the air right now.

Rosie/Lucille: Oh no! I'm just gonna kinda float around bob about, trying to come back down. I imagine it's like when you're in water but you're like hanging on to a ball or something and you keep trying to go down to the bottom but you can't because there's a ball holding you up, but it's like that but in the air 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: No, actually I understood what you said. Like you know you get a ball in the pool and you like stand on it you like float 

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah, that but you're in the air and it's terrifying and you could fall but you want to fall but you don't. Lucille’s a lot going on right now.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Magnolia, you have just  jumped over the buffalo, burnt yourself and now on the other side of it from this back side. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Alright, doing good. I feel like I've only just now realised that there's a fairy because I was just staring at the gnome. I can deal with that later. This thing hurt me and I'm just gonna try to punch it again, I don't know what else to do.

*rolls die*

 Jorja/Magnolia: Oh, that would be a twenty-two to hit.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Fuckin’ punch a bitch.

Jorjaa/Magnolia: Yeah bitches!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That’s the paladin coming in. Yeah roll for damage.

Jorja/Magnolia: Well, it's a non-arm strike so I just do five bludgeoning automatically.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You know how it works. So as you deal all these unarmed strike, you also take three points of damage as you've made contact with the same fur that burnt you the last turn.

Jorja/Magnolia: Oh, okay that makes sense. “Yep, okay, uh don't touch it”. That’s my turn 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Back to Hymnbo now. Hymnbo, you're not hiding behind Lucille anymore and you can't because she's in the air.

Nathan/Hymnbo: I’m going to move as close as I can to the buffalo. How far is the buffalo from me?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You're like right in front of it, like within five feet.

Nathan/Hymnbo: We'll move four feet to get one foot away from it and I will first do my bonus action again, okay and this time it will still go to Noah Baker and I'll be like, “No one saw the first time, you got this!”, and my finger guns, pew pew, and the magical notes will float over and he's like, “Okay, okay, no one saw the first attempt, you got this”. And then, for my attack, I would use one of my prepared spells, Dissonant Whispers.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh, and how's it go off?

Nathan/Hymnbo: So, I'm going to mutter something under my breath into the- sort of towards the buffalo's ears and then you'll have to make a wisdom saving throw. My DC is still thirteen

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So four..

Nathan/Hymnbo: Great, I'm gonna whisper something really, really, really bad, like, “you're the reason for global warming, why are you so on fire for? Like people are out to get you, you should probably run away”, something like that. “This globe, whatever globe it is, is warming and it’s ‘cause of you!” And so in terms of the damage, it's 3D6, followed by an instant reaction move from you to run away as far as you can, which is why I moved close.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Alright, roll those 3D6 to begin with.

Nathan/Hymnbo: I got a five. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Total? 

Nathan/Hymnbo: Yeah. He's unfamiliar with the concept of global warming, but he still has to run away.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: He has taken another five damage and he backs right up about twenty feet.

Nathan/Hymnbo: That’s far as its speed allows it to move away from.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You know who's behind the buffalo?

Nathan/Hymnbo: I thought she jumped! 

Jorja/Magnolia: Hey dudes, I'm just back here, it's fine.

Nathan/Hymnbo: Do buffaloes jump up and backwards like a cat would?

Jorja/Magnolia: Like someone just threw a cucumber in front of it?

Nathan/Hymnbo: Like it arches its back and just like argh. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Alas, no. It is gonna back up, it's gonna walk backwards twenty feet. 

Nathan/Hymnbo: It’s gonna touch, it's gonna touch the rabbit again!

Jorja/Magnolia: I just try to inch around it.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I’ll get you to roll a reaction, we'll roll a dexterity saving throw.

Jorja/Magnolia: That sounds wonderful. I can add a D4 to that with my Lucky Footwork.

Rosie/Lucille: Oh, I love lucky footwork.

Jorja/Magnolia: I’m a rabbit, I got cool feet oh I'm also strength based.

*rolls die*

Jorja/Magnolia: Eleven?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: How much HP do you have?

Jorja/Magnolia: I got three.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You take another two points of damage as this buffalo backs into you and you sort of end up, like you end up under it as it walks backwards underneath you.

Nathan/Hymnbo: She’s highly flammable 

Jorja/Magnolia: No guys really, don't touch it. I'm on fire.

Rosie/Lucille: I can apparently instantly light or stuff out a candle, a torch, or a small campfire, and you're a small campfire right now.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I was about to say, like the buffalo is bigger than a campfire and then you're like…

Jorja/Magnolia: …Me!

Nathan/Hymnbo: Third degree burns, yeah, okay.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Also thank you Hymnbo for creating the first design for our sticker store. It's gonna be like ‘You got this’. It's gonna have like a finger gun and like a music note.

Jorja/Magnolia: A smaller one somewhere for ‘You got this’.

Nathan/Hymnbo: On the reverse.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: On the reverse. It’s like ‘nobody saw the first time’. Now it's the buffalo's turn. 

Jorja/Magnolia: I forgot about him.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You forgot about the buffalo? 

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Buffalo did run away, that was part of it. It had to spend it’s movement running away 

Nathan/Hymnbo: Maximum.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yep, which is 20 feet backwards, so now it's gonna use its main action to… you're gonna see the horns light up this time as if the end of them are charging and sparking with a little bit of electricity, and it's going to shoot a bit of lightning at Rosie who's in the air.

Rosie/Lucille: Oh, oh the perfect time to have like lightning shot at you. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Lucille, let's see. 

*rolls die*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Does a fourteen beat your AC? 

Jorja/Magnolia: Oh, does she have armour on? 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You would not. Ee don't have any armour at the moment. What's your dexterity modifier?

Nathan/Hymnbo: It’s probably like a two. Four?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Ten plus, so a fourteen, yeah you are equals…

Jorja/Magnolia: Equals beats it is how I play, so it would hit.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Alright, you are hit with this bolt of electricity, which congratulations, you now fall to the ground.

Rosie/Lucille: Oh my god, amazing!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: For three points of electricity damage. 

Rosie/Lucille: Does electricity damage…?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It shouldn't do, some things are more susceptible or less susceptible to certain types of damage. Like, I think the tiefling will take less damage from fire?

Nathan/Hymnbo: Fire resistant, is that flammable, like inflammable…

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Flammable and inflammable mean the same thing, can you believe that? Flammable and inflammable. 

Nathan/Hymnbo: Like inflammables, like I think one of them combusts into fire and the other one is like it can easily catch fire? Neither of it to me. Magnolia, what do we think?

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah, yeah, so flammable is you can set fire to it and inflammable means that a substance is capable of bursting into flames.  

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Essentially the same thing, you would think it would mean that it can't catch fire but it still means that it can catch fire

Jorja/Magnolia: That’s rocked my world, that has. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, you fall onto the ground and zapped, you find it difficult to move as you feel. You feel not paralyzed but your old bones are kicking in.

Rosie/Lucille: I’m gonna kind of awkwardly try and get up and not manage to and then yell out, “Thank you kind beast, for getting me out of the air!” 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That’s like, ‘Help, I've fallen and I can't get up!’.  Noah, you've just done a spin attack and failed to hit your target.

Steven/Noah: Yeah, but I got this. 

Nathan/Hymnbo: I didn't see it , I didn't see that happen, did anyone else? No. 

Jorja/Magnolia: No!

Rosie/Lucille: No, I was in the air.

Steven/Noah: My ego is fine, however, I think this beast is twenty feet away from me now.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It is. He's shooting lightning bolts in the air at current.

Steven/Noah: I feel like I can't run that far.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You should have… Oh no, gnomes have less, I think you might have twenty feet of movement.

Jorja/Magnolia: It might be twenty-five or thirty. 

Steven/Noah: Yeah, my speed says twenty-five. 

Jorja/Magnolia: So, you can move twenty-five feet per turn.

Steven/Noah: Okay, as an action or as a bonus action ?

Jorja/Magnolia: Just as movement. 

Stephen/Noah: Oh, as movement.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’ve got movement, standard, and bonus, plus three action. 

Steven/Noah: Well, I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that Noah doesn't know how to do any spells yet, so I'm just gonna charge at it with my sword again because I got this. I'm gonna run towards him, noting it's taking a little longer than it normally takes me to get from point A to point B but that's fine. Yeah and then I'm gonna whack him again because I got this. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Do you still have the radiant weapon? 

Steven/Noah: Yes, it lasts an hour. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Roll that attack roll.

Steven/Noah: Uh, fifteen. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Did I say that that was with the barter inspiration? 

Steven/Noah: Yes, it was. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Well, baby you got this. 

Nathan/Hymnbo: Oh, stunning! Yes. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Roll the damage, which you won't know what that is but it's a 1D8. 

Steven/Noah: I’m just checking what the arcane weapon adds to it. Adds a D6!

*rolls die*

Steven/Noah: Nine 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Damn. Nine points of damage.

Steven/Noah: Six of which is lightning damage, if that means anything. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It does. 

Nathan/Hymnbo: It’s gonna absorb it.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s not looking very happy. 

Steven/Noah: Good. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’re just like pointing it, like sticking it with the pointy end?

Steven/Noah: Yeah, because spinning didn't work so… 

Jorja/Magnolia: They are only two options, really. 

Steven/Noah: That’s all I know how to do. I only play games.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You stab the buffalo and then immediately find yourself in the air. 

Steven/Noah: Again. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: As you are very quickly and suddenly soaring above the fields of reeds as you kind of look up and see that another fairy that's not the same one that was down there with you, not Lucille, has come and grabbed you and you just hear, “I've got you”. 

Steven/Noah: Sweet. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Everyone else on the ground has seen that a fairy has come in and swung up and just grabbed Noah away from the buffalo. 

Jorja/Magnolia: We just reach up. Please, everything hurts. 

Steven/Noah: Am I just gonna get picked up by everyone this whole series, is that the plan?

Jorja/Magnolia: Well, you're so little! It’s easy.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The buffalo is going to start waddling back some more and start retreating because it is not had a pleasant experience with what's happening right now, as this fairy puts you down when it sees that, puts you down with the rest of - I want to say friends but it wasn't friends, you don't know these people - put you down with the rest of everyone.

Steven/Noah: Thanks, thanks! 

Tyrone/Onyx: Congratulations are in order, not many can fight back the Lustris in quite the way that you have done, so congratulations.

Jorja/Magnolia: Thanks, I'll just vomit again. 

Steven/Noah: I guess I'm just gonna whisper to myself, “I got this”. 

Nathan/Hymnbo: I've actually gotta. I'm gonna pat Link, the gnome Link on the back.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So just to clarify, we are out of combat now. He’s gonna like brush the dust off his suit and be like,

Tyrone/Onyx: Apologies, my name is Onyx. Pleasure. 

Theme Song: *rock music plays*

Finding home in the belly of the beast, to make it home we can’t accept defeat, so roll the dice and come along with me, finding home in the belly of the beast

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Thank you so much for listening to Portal Quandary. Portal Quandary is made possible by the following people: Myself, Tyrone Cross, the Dungeon Master, Community Manager, and Editor, Steven Edwards as Noah, Nathan Lee as Hymnbo, Rosemary Ochtman as Lucille, and Jorja Odd as Magnolia. Elias Moffat is our Content Producer and Narrative Consultant. Olive Jerome is our Editing Assistant, and Amelia Nemet is our Transcriber. The theme song is Belly of the Beast by Lily Harnath and Henry Lucas, and if you need to contact us you can do so at portalquandary@gmail.com. This podcast was recorded on the lands of the Wurundjeri people, and produced on the lands of the Awabakal, Birpai, and Wurundjeri people. Portal Quandary acknowledges and pays respect to our traditional custodians and to their past, present and emerging leaders. 

Theme Song: *rock music continues* 

Finding home in the belly of the beast, (in the belly of the beast), to make it home we can’t accept defeat, (there’s no turning back) so roll the dice and come along with me, (come along with me, let’s go), finding home in the belly of the beast.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I’m gonna edit this to make it sound cool.

*laughter*

Rosie/Lucille: Can we keep that in?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Maybe.