Episode 3: Neptis

The group takes their first step into Neptis, and Lucille learns about the joys of flying. Noah introduces some sweet new friends to the party. Magnolia puts her botanist hat on, and Hymnbo teaches the scouts a few important Earth customs. Don’t forget - when all else fails, follow the chimes!

Content warnings this week include fantasy violence

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Dungeon Master, Community Manager, and Editing is Tyrone Cross      

Noah is Steven Edwards

Hymnbo is Nathan Lee

Lucille is Rosemary Ochtman

Magnolia is Jorja Odd

Elias Moffat is our Content Producer and Narrative Consultant

Olive Jerome is our Editing Assistant 

Amelia Nemet is our Transcriber

Theme song is “Belly of The Beast” by Lily Harnath and Henry Lucas (@lilyharnath & @henrylucas5)

Email us at portalquandary@gmail.com 

Sound effects used in this episode include:

JamesportWindChimes.wav - acclivtiy

Sad bluesy violin - TheFlyFishingFilmMaker

Wind Chime, Gamelan Gong - InspectorJ

Nostro8.wav - levelclearer

Dawn9000022uya4 - levelclearer

Ship4 - levelclearer

Beating Wings - juskiddink

Sun67 - levelclearer

This podcast was recorded on the lands of the Wurundjeri people and produced on the lands of the Awabakal and Wurundjeri people. Portal Quandary acknowledges and pays respect to our traditional custodians and to their past, present, and emerging leaders. 

The story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased) is intended or should be inferred. 

Transcript

Nathan/Hymnbo: Portal Quandary has some content warnings. These are available in our episode description.

*mystical techno music plays*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The city of Lambence, planted in its new home, is, as always, a hub of bustling activity. From high above, fairies can be seen moving outward in every direction into the surrounding lands to begin preparing their new homeland. Arvo, the red-clad head of cartographers, directs people this way and that, routine honed to ruthless efficiency to gather knowledge of the lands around the city. Armed with scout guard and tools, head engineer Solas takes a group of volunteers into the rocky terrain of Novis, battling the heat that ebbs from below the ground to seek out viable oil deposits. Steam vents hiss in the air, the sound punctuated by the frequent crackle of rocks just lodging and tumbling across the mountainous countryside. The group ventures further into Novis, and to the east, the harsh terrain slowly gives way to the flat soil plains where Avos takes over. Here, a party of primarily farmers begins assessing the flat plains beneath the swirling clouds that truly identify this region as Avos. Over the course of a few days, they will haul out their equipment and chart out space to begin ploughing. A roughshod trail is all that will mark the route to begin with, taking any who chooses from city to farmland on a relatively safe route. Though few will venture out who needn't be there, the novelty of watching such a task long-worn away. Gradually, the soil is peppered with sand and the rolling dunes of Theran spill out beside Avos, hiding all manner of creature that thrives amongst the sands and sparse oasis. The beginnings of traps are set, trackers surveying the land to pinpoint nests, hovels, and dens. Soon, where the sand and soil mingle, pens will be constructed to keep and farm the creatures. For now all they can do is trap them, and watch wistfully as the rain drizzles down yet again in the distance over the thicketed lands of Neptis. Far from the intersection of Avos and Theran, over a long stretch of desert, the dried out brambles and scraggly foliage slowly becomes flush with life. The starch, dry sand becomes less and less until it is not sand, but soil that feeds all manner of sprawling plant life, blooming in the foggy thick air of Neptis. Shapes hover in the fog, both above the tangled maze of foliage, and below, weaving in and out of blooms. A young scout, not long out of Lambence, goes through their pack one last time, looking to their mentor to assure they haven't forgotten anything. Accompanying them is a group even less familiar with Neptis again, and River hardly thinks this is the ideal condition to conduct their first field so they end, but Parav disagrees. 

Tyrone/Parav: You must be able to work around distraction. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: He says, looking over their unusual companions with a raised brow. River has heard more the times than they cared to account, but they never quite envisioned a distraction to entail three mysterious and curious creatures, and a fairy they'd somehow never seen before. Without further delay, the group delves into Neptis and is quickly swallowed by the fog.

Theme Song: *rock music plays*

Finding home in the belly of the beast, to make it home we can’t accept defeat, so roll the dice and come along with me, finding home in the belly of the beast

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Hello and welcome back to Portal Quandary: Prophis, and get ready to head out on an adventure into the fogs of Neptis. Are you guys ready? 

Nathan/Hymnbo: Totally prepared.

Jorja/Magnolia: Yes. 

Stephen/Noah: Sure. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Don't sound so nervous, guys. Alright, to remind you, there's a fellow here, completely clad in black, wearing a face bandana. He wears goggles, he's got a hood, so he's like black head-to-toe, covered and everything, and he's got black moth wings dipped in white. He introduced himself as Parav, so he'll be your guide today. Has everyone got all their things ready to head up and out? 

Rosie/Lucille: Don't believe so. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master Lovely. Well, making your way through the city today is a bit different than yesterday, when apparently everyone was high and everyone was dancing and being culty, and… your words not mine. It's a hub of action and work. There's farmers with wheelbarrows full of seeds getting ready their farming tools. They've got miners going out with their little hard hats and their pickaxes. We got hunters out with their bows heading out as you slowly make your way to the top of Lambence. 

Nathan/Hymnbo: Child labour. Minors with their hard hats. Whenever I hear the word ‘miners’, I just, it's minors.

Rosie/Lucille: I think of the bird. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Miner bird. You make your way to the top of the city of Lambence again, where there's a elevator again, because you guys have to take the fucking elevator, and they don't have like a little door at the bottom of the city because you know they just fly everywhere. This elevator’s basically for you. There's a little winch heading down. I think we need more elevator music. 

Nathan/Hymnbo: Ah, that's my cue! *to the tune of the Game of Thrones theme song*. Do-do-do-do-do. Elevator music is playing from my violin. We can add that in post. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Maybe I should make that a sticker design, ‘Add that in post’. 

Nathan/Hymnbo: I love that.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Alright, as you're heading down you can see over Neptis a little bit closer than you could before now. There's a thick blanket of fog that sits over the top of this place. You can kind of see a few, a few swamp-like trees jutting out of the fog. You can sort of see some rock faces jutting out as well, but all in all you can't even tell what this place looks like. 

Stephen/Noah: That’s okay. Currently, Noah's not even really looking. He's just staring at the crystal in his hand, very intently, he's just thinking.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That crystal that Cleary gave you yesterday? 

Stephen/Noah: Yeah, the crystal telephone. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Interesting. Are you gonna make a call on it? 

Stephen/Noah: Ring, ring. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Alright, well, making it all the way down the elevator, we- 

Nathan/Hymnbo: Oh, we're going down.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Down. You walked up and then you took the elevator back down, on the outside of the city this time. Sorry, I should clear that up. The elevator's on the outside of the wall, so that you can see the outside of the wall, and down in front of you is a whole band of scouts. There’s probably ten to fifteen scouts. They’ve got like full hiking backpacks on with their bed rolls, some have maps attached to them, some have potions attached to the side of them, plus they're all their weapons, of course. 

Nathan/Hymnbo: Can I quickly say something to the scouts? 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Of course. 

Nathan/Hymnbo: Hello, scouts! 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: They look very shy, like, ‘Who is this guy?’.

Nathan/Hymnbo: Adventure is out there!

Stephen/Noah: Was that a dab? 

Nathan/Hymnbo: And then I proceeded to do a dab. 

Tyrone/Scout: Is this a greeting where you're from? 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And they all dab.

Nathan/Hymnbo: I sort of wipe a tear from my eye. “You guys are great scouts, go on an adventure which is out there!”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That’s an Up reference, right? 

Nathan/Hymnbo: Yes, it is.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Thank you. 

Nathan/Hymnbo: Now they love me. Hopefully, they adopt the dab as like a greeting.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You wait. It'll be, like, two adventures’ time, but the whole city will be dabbing. Parav addresses the scouts, he’s like, 

Tyrone/Parav: Formation.

Nathan/Hymnbo: Like, we practised, one, two, three: Formation, dab!. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: They’ll get into single file and dab. Anyone who'd like to, please roll me a perception. 

Stephen/Noah: Noah's still not looking.

*dice rolls*

Nathan/Hymnbo: Speaking about not looking, I rolled a nat one.

Rosie/Lucille: Twenty. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Eleven. I'm holding Noah, and just, like, moving him around because I noticed that he doesn't know where he's going, so I'll just be behind him, like a mother pushing a child.

Nathan/Hymnbo: Let's just say I'm too focused on the dabbing. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You can't see because your arm has been covered by the dab

Nathan/Hymnbo: Exactly, exactly. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What was that Rosie that you got? 

Rosie/Lucille: Non-natural twenty. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Alright, we'll definitely- Not Noah andHymnbo, with an eleven, both Lucille and Magnolia will note that everybody has lanterns attached to their bags. Like, we're talking twenty lanterns each, for like a grand total of about two hundred lanterns across the pack. 

Rosie/Lucille: Lucille's like, “Hey what’s up with those lanterns, it’s a bit odd”. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: A shy scout from the pack will sort of step out to the side and be like, 

Tyrone/Scout: Well, we're going into the mist, so we need to see ma’am. 

Rosie/Lucille: Speak up, young man, speak with confidence! Or no one will ever believe you. Repeat that again?

Tyrone/Scout: Uh, we're going into the mist and we need to see, so we need the lanterns to see. 

Rosie/Lucille: Much better, now I understand, thank you. And she just kind of walks away. She's got what she's needed, she's done with the conversation. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: With the non-natural twenty that you rolled. Lucille, you'll also notice that there is probably the same number of wind chimes attached to their backpacks, for another grand total of about two hundred wind chimes. 

Rosie/Lucille: Young chap. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s a lady, but yes. 

Tyrone/Scout: Yes? 

Rosie/Lucille: Do you care to explain the wind chimes? 

Tyrone/Scout: Well, you see, if we can't see sometimes we try and use sound so that we can hear each other in the mist.

Rosie/Lucille: Why don't you just yell?

Tyrone/Scout: We don't want to give our location away to the Lustris.

Rosie/Lucille: Wouldn't the wind chimes do that anyway? 

Nathan/Hymnbo: I agree. Both are sound, coming from the sound guy. 

Tyrone/Scout: Who are you? 

Nathan/Hymnbo: I'm your, I'm your dab professor. Dab scout leader, Hymnbo. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Should commissions him as like, Camp Scout Leader Hymnbo. 

Nathan/Hymnbo: I'm sorry, I didn't even notice the wind chimes. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Parav’s again I'm gonna call, 

Tyrone/Parav: Formation. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And they're all turned in a circle and start marching into Neptis. 

Stephen/Noah: “Wait! I've got it!” So then, Noah's little tool begins to glow and he presses it against his little ruby. It starts to, like, wither and change shape a little bit, and all of a sudden it grows little wings, and it has a little face and a little eyeball on it. Looks kind of like a helicopter crossed with a cuttlefish crossed with a dragonfly. And I call it Beeyonce. 

Tyrone/Parav: What is this? What- Did you make this? 

Stephen/Noah: I call it Beeyonce. 

Nathan/Hymnbo: Like the singer?

Tyrone/Parav: Who is Beeyonce? 

Stephen/Noah: I can't help these people. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s me, as a DM. I assume Beeyonce comes from your little bee back home?

Stephen/Noah: Yes, yes. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: RIP Honey Boo Boo. Beeyonce got priority.

Jorja/Magnolia: Makes sense, she is the queen. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Queen bee. 

Nathan/Hymnbo: Okay ladies, now let's get in formation. 

Tyrone/Parav: How did you make this? You exhibited no signs of magic before, that's what I've been told. You're not the magic one.

Stephen/Noah: It just came to me in the shower. I was studying the way you guys were flying around the city, and I was just reminded of my pet bee back home, and then I saw it and then it happened. 

Tyrone/Parav: Curious. Hopefully, this invention doesn't give us away in the mist. 

Stephen/Noah: Oh, she's chill. 

Nathan/Hymnbo: Does she have a silent mode? 

Stephen/Noah: She can't speak. 

Nathan/Hymnbo: No, no, these were the telephone crystals! Did you put the telephone to silent mode?

Stephen/Noah: Oh, the telephone totally doesn't work, I'm so sorry, I had to disengage that.

Tyrone/Parav: This is what you do to gifts?

Stephen/Noah: Yes? If you have another one, that'd be great. 

Tyrone/Parav: I do not. I would caution you then to stick close to us.

Nathan/Hymnbo: I would like to, kind of, subtly tap Noah on the shoulder while, um…

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Parav. 

Nathan/Hymnbo: Parav, is like turned his back away, if he has…

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Roll a… what are you trying to do? Speak or…?

Nathan/Hymnbo: Um, just to tap on the shoulder. Let's do non-verbal.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Sleight of hand. 

Nathan/Hymnbo: Sleight of hand, let's do sleight of hand.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, give it a roll. If anybody's interested, roll a perception against this. 

*rolls dice*

Nathan/Hymnbo: I'm on 18. 

Stephen/Noah: Again, Noah's just, like, kind of watching Beeyonce flying around. He's a little preoccupied.

Jorja/Magnolia: I am standing right behind Noah.

*rolls dice*

Jorja/Magnolia: I rolled a Nat 20. I am right behind him.

Nathan/Hymnbo: That’s fine, that's fine, that's fine, we're on the same team, Parav?

*rolls dice*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Parav didn't see anything. He rolled a 14, by the way. Go ahead, as you would. 

Nathan/Hymnbo: So I want to tap Noah on the shoulder and kind of like, gesture with sliding my stolen ruby out of my pocket. This is just this purely like, I'm looking at you, like ‘Hey, can you do this to mine? Can I get this iOS update, please?

Stephen/Noah: Yeah, Noah's eyes like widen and I like snatch that bad boy out of your hand so fast.

Nathan/Hymnbo: And also, the rabbit is looking so like of I’m, like, pointing to the rabbit, a hand to my throat, finger to my mouth, like, we don't want Apple to know. Apple? Who's Apple?

Stephen/Noah: Yeah, no, Noah doesn't care. He's taking it, it's gone.

Nathan/Hymnbo: Right, but, but, but, but finally, finally, as I ask for this iOS update, I do a slight guy-nod to Noah. Like, that was me nodding, upwards.

Stephen/Noah: Noah doesn't really understand social cues. All he knows is he has the ruby now.

Nathan/Hymnbo: Alright, we'll… I'll think that, yes I'm getting the iOS update, and Parav doesn't notice, except the giant rabbit.

Jorja/Magnolia: I just kind of nod silently, and then-

Nathan/Hymnbo: Upwards?

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah, upwards, and then I'll resume position behind Noah and just, like, push him in the direction again now that I've seen he's got another one and isn't going to pay attention.

Stephen/Noah: Once again, Noah begins to study this ruby and his tool begins to glow again as he touches it to the ruby. As it grows some wings and another little cuttlefish-like nose, it's dragon-like fly wings begin to beat and it comes alive. I've done it! This one is Honey Boo Boo.

Nathan/Hymnbo: They don't need to know the name of the new iOS!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I'm picturing, like, Frankenstein-style, like, ‘I've done it.’

Nathan/Hymnbo: We had Sierra, we had Yosemite, we had Sierra, and now, ladies and gentlemen, introducing Honey Boo Boo?

Stephen/Noah: Correct. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Nathan, we’re one line away from getting a cease and desist from Apple.

Jorja/Magnolia: Oh, yeah. 

Stephen/Noah: Honey Boo Boo and Beeyonce were just flying around now. Just vibing.

Nathan/Hymnbo: I need my phone back.

Stephen/Noah: Oh, I'm sorry, it doesn't work anymore. It's no longer a phone.

Nathan/Hymnbo: I did not unauthorize this device with my-

*beep*

Nathan/Hymnbo: -account.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I think not straight away, Parav will definitely notice that eventually. 

Nathan/Hymnbo: I want my phone back, or, like, at least some sort of connection to Honey Boo Boo.

Stephen/Noah: I'm really sorry, I think she's only really gonna listen to me.

Nathan/Hymnbo: Hacked. 

Stephen/Noah: Sorry, mate.

Tyrone/Parav: Are we following? The guys marching ahead are getting quite far away.

Jorja/Magnolia: We should go. 

Stephen/Noah: Oh, sorry, coming.

*mysterious music plays*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Alright, so we're heading down, sort of into a valley. The incline beneath you starts to get steeper. You’re currently walking on grey stone and this sort of canyon starts to form on either side of you guys as you walk into the mist. Notably at this point, I'm gonna put out until told otherwise - you have disadvantage on side-based abilities, such as perception.

Nathan/Hymnbo: What if we are near a scout that has a lantern?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Then it won't matter then, when you're outside of the lantern’s light. You will not be able to see for a… 

Nathan/Hymnbo: Question. Uh, how far does a lantern’s light reach?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I'm gonna say… Fifty feet. 

Nathan/Hymnbo: That’s pretty good, because we can only move, like, Thirty feet at a time.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: True. So, you can only see things roughly within your range of movement, though.

Nathan/Hymnbo: And a half. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, so as you continue in this canyon, pools of water start to form as the environment changes from stone to soil. So there's moss everywhere, there's between like willow-esque trees start forming around, very droopy foliage. Even as you walk past you see what looks to be a school of radiant fish, as they're flying through the sky.

Nathan/Hymnbo: Damn, I should have made them fish.

Stephen/Noah: Made what fish?

Nathan/Hymnbo: My little guys.

Rosie/Lucille: Can Lucille fly up the flying fish and see what they are?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Roll me a… what did we decide? Acrobatics.

*rolls dice*

Rosie/Lucille: Seven. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You probably get half metre in the air before you fall flat on your face.

Rosie/Lucille: Well, this is humiliating. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Parav’s going to kind of look at you trying to fly, and is like,

Tyrone/Parav: Something wrong with the wings, love?

Rosie/Lucille: Well, I'm not too good with them yet. I wanted to fly up a bit closer, but guess I couldn't.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: They weren't even that high. You could see them, so…

Stephen/Noah: How far did those lanterns reach? 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: 50 feet. Why is that, Noah?

Stephen/Noah: Oh, just ‘cause magical tinkering allows me to make an object shine for a bright light in a five foot radius, and a dim light and an additional five feet, so it's only, like, ten feet of light.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Those glow a little bit.

Stephen/Noah: Well, compared to the lantern, yes.

Nathan/Hymnbo: How far away were the radiant fish? 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I don't know.

Nathan/Hymnbo: So within fifty feet?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Parav will look at you and be like,

Tyrone/Parav: What do you mean did you not get sent to flight school? 

Rosie/Lucille: I only got here, like, a day ago through that portal. I'm sure you've been made aware of this.

Tyrone/Parav: I've been made aware of your companions. I'm still confused as to how you came into their acquaintanceship. 

Rosie/Lucille: Ah. We all woke up on the ground, near the portal.

Tyrone/Parav: Right, perhaps you have amnesia. 

Rosie/Lucille: Oh, definitely not. I have never had a medical condition in my life. 

Jorja/Magnolia: How has that come into play so much?

Rosie/Lucille: Because it's true, you know. 

Tyrone/Parav: I don't know how much of this is true and how much of this is ego. 

Rosie/Lucille: Guess you'll never know. 

Tyrone/Parav: Alright then. If you don't have amnesia, tell me about your life. I want to know about you.

Rosie/Lucille: I'm a goat farmer, got one hundred and twenty three goats, been farming them my whole life. Not the same one hundred and twenty three, a lot have died. We've got a mass grave, actually, that we put them all into. I've had a few issues with that recently. It's been leaking into our drinking water, which is from the creek. So we’re gonna have to move it upstream, just a bit above the creek so that you know, we don't get goat in our water. So, yeah, I'm a goat farmer. It’s been a pretty fun, hard life. 

Tyrone/Parav: So these goats that you farm… 

Rosie/Lucille: Yes.

Tyrone/Parav: They're not food? 

Rosie/Lucille: No, no, no, no, no, I just like goats. Sometimes I sew their fur into pillows. 

Tyrone/Parav: So it's a pet, not a…

Rosie/Lucille: No, no, but do you have any tips for flying? I keep finding I’m lopsided in the air because I've got a lopsided hip or whatever in the air. I'm kind of on the side, yeah, you got any tips?

Tyrone/Parav: Sounds a bit like a medical issue to me.

Nathan/Hymnbo: I was gonna say that sounds like a little bit like a medical issue.

Rosie/Lucille: No, no, no, that's not a medical condition, my hip’s just like that. 

Tyrone/Parav: I would say just stop thinking about it so hard. Just jump up and fly.

Rosie/Lucille: I jump up and fly.

Tyrone/Parav: Give it a go. 

Rosie/Lucille: As in roll the dice?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Correct. That's the name of the game, baby.

Rosie/Lucille: No, it's called D&D. You're silly. 

Nathan/Hymnbo: That is the name of the game.

Rosie/Lucille: 23.

Tyrone/Parav: You jump up and yeah, and stop thinking about it. You're just thinking about your goats back home. 

Rosie/Lucille: Oh, Sally, oh I've missed you. 

Tyrone/Parav: Is she dead?

Rosie/Lucille: Sally? I can't remember. I've had a few Sallys in the past.

Nathan/Hymnbo: It's part of the amnesia which she doesn't have!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You jump up and your dragonfly-like wings start fluttering and you can reach the school of fish up above you. 

Rosie/Lucille: Very cool. I want to go touch one of the fish.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The radiant light within it sort of flutters for a second. 

Stephen/Noah: Noah writes some notes in his little book. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What are you writing?

Stephen/Noah: Just about the fact that fish glow. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh.

Stephen/Noah: It’s like, oh glow, he's thinking.

Tyrone/Parav: You there inventor. 

Stephen/Noah: “Heh?” Looking up from his notebook.

Tyrone/Parav: You seem like you’d be well placed with our archivists. Tell me about your life. 

Stephen/Noah: I'm a Lego man. I build Lego.

Tyrone/Parav: What’s Lego?

Stephen/Noah: It’s, um, kind of like construction. Small-scale construction. 

Tyrone/Parav: Perhaps you'd be right at home with our engineering team, instead.

Stephen/Noah: Possibly. 

Tyrone/Parav: Solas is always looking for new members. 

Stephen/Noah: Por que no los dos?

Nathan/Hymnbo: I don't think they know Spanish here. I don't think it exists.

Tyrone/Parav: I don't understand your Lego. Perhaps it is a building material where you’re from, but I'm curious as to why you're so short.

Stephen/Noah: Um, yeah that's a pretty good question. I've got no idea.

Tyrone/Parav: You don't know why you're short?

Stephen/Noah: No.

Tyrone/Parav: Is that normal where you're from? 

Stephen/Noah: No. I'm actually quite tall where I was from.

Tyrone/Parav: So, people are quite even shorter than you where you're from?

Stephen/Noah: I guess so. Yeah, I guess everyone just must be really, really big here.

Rosie/Lucille: That little young man is obviously quite confused. I was also a lot taller back home. I've shrunk and got wings.

Jorja/Magnolia: I'm pretty much the same height

Stephen/Noah: I feel like, I feel like there's like major short king energy radiating right now. I'm like, “Who are you calling short? What do you mean?’”Noah's offended now, he's not gonna do anything about it, but he's real sad.

Rosie/Lucille: Can I roll to sense for the sadness?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: No.

Nathan/Hymnbo: And then do what with that?

Rosie/Lucille: I wanted to give her a grandmotherly moment.

Tyrone/Parav: So, it's quite common for these little men and these rabbits and these demons to coexist?

Rosie/Lucille: No. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Well, usually rabbits in our world aren’t sentient. Well, they don't speak to us and they're very small and usually like pets. I don't know what I am.

Nathan/Hymnbo: You’re the best version of yourself and that's all we can ask for.

Tyrone/Parav:  I'm gonna be quite honest with you. All the rabbits I've seen are basically what you described. I don't know, I've never seen a walking, talking rabbit.

Jorja/Magnolia: So then what the hell am I?

Tyrone/Parav: I'm very confused why you're confused.

Stephen/Noah: So, we came for a portal, right? You knew that.

Tyrone/Parav: Kyros’s portal.

Stephen/Noah: Yes, before we came through the portal, we did not look as we look now. We were human, if you know what that is?

Tyrone/Parav: So you're telling me that Kyros might have gone through the portal and also been transformed? Interesting.

Nathan/Hymnbo: Why? 

Tyrone/Parav: The best that I can assume is that it's a malfunction in the portal machine that has transformed you. I'm no scientist, I'm a scout.

Jorja/Magnolia: It seems like there’s a lot of malfunctions in the portal machine.

Nathan/Hymnbo: Um, what is not a malfunction?

Tyrone/Parav: Have you ever built an interplanar portal before?

Nathan/Hymnbo: Have you?

Tyrone/Parav: I, once again, I am the scouts.

Nathan/Hymnbo: Has Kyros, I’m curious.

Tyrone/Parav: Kyros.

Nathan/Hymnbo: That’s what I said!

Stephen/Noah: Noah’s just gonna jot down ‘interplanar portal’ in his little notebook.

Jorja/Magnolia: I see him do that and then I do it as well, and it’s like, surrounded by little pictures of flowers. 

Nathan/Hymnbo: Have he ever perfected portal travel?

Tyrone/Parav: Well, he was integral in making the Moving Day mechanisms possible alongside Thaumus. That is how we are able to portal the city. 

Stephen/Noah: But it sounds like that portal is just within one world, whereas we’ve come from another world.

Tyrone/Parav: But that's-

Stephen/Noah: So, has he ever perfected it?

Tyrone/Parav: Well, it sounds like he did it, if you guys-

Stephen/Noah: We're not human, so…

Tyrone/Parav: Did any of you see a fairy man before teleporting?

Jorja/Magnolia: I was kind of drunk, but no. 

Stephen/Noah: No. 

Nathan/Hymnbo: I saw lots of goblins and humans. I saw a lot of people dressed up as what we are now, so I don’t know. I think I saw him.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Just want to point out that this is probably the first time everybody's hearing each other's stories.

Stephen/Noah: But we established that we're all from Melbourne?

Nathan/Hymnbo: I don't think we have yet. 

Stephen/Noah: I think I did when we met the first guy after we beat the first Lustris thing.

Tyrone/Parav: All I can think is that possibly, as he was teleporting to our home world, that he'd opened up a portal on the other side as well, which might have been where you were. But I don't understand why he would be in this world of Melbourne, because he should have been trying to go home to our home.

Stephen/Noah: Wait, this isn't your home? 

Nathan/Hymnbo: Wait, so this is not their world?

Stephen/Noah: No.

Nathan/Hymnbo: No, but, like they're travelling through it.

Stephen/Noah: Wait, this isn't their world?

Jorja/Magnolia: Wait, hold up, so this isn't their world?

Nathan/Hymnbo: Three for three, one more, one more, one more, one more, one more, we need one more!

Rosie/Lucille: Huh?

Nathan/Hymnbo: Put it in.

Rosie/Lucille: Oh, this isn't their world?

Tyrone/Parav: What? Did they not explain that to you?

Jorja/Magnolia: Oh, they might have alluded to that, actually. 

Rosie/Lucille: Oh, this does make more sense now. 

Tyrone/Parav: I guess they didn't explain that. No, Kyros is trying to make a portal so we can all go home and stop getting swallowed up by Glamos. 

Nathan/Hymnbo: It seemed like they could describe all the planes with the accuracy of being a local.

Tyrone/Parav: We have been trapped here for a millennia, so…

Jorja/Magnolia: Oh. 

Nathan/Hymnbo: Well, so why not just, like, claim it as your own land? Just just colonise it.

Stephen/Noah: Yeah, we're humans.

Nathan/Hymnbo: It’s part of our nature.

Stephen/Noah: If you couldn't tell.

Tyrone/Parav: I don't know if we've made it clear enough that we can't survive here much longer with Glamos constantly coming to swallow us up. I think the land is reacting to us, in a way.

Nathan/Hymnbo: Shit.

Tyrone/Parav: So you guys are getting the Astroneptis, huh?

Stephen/Noah: So, wait, are we getting these things for you, or for us?

Tyrone/Parav: For you! Kyros is coming back for us.

Stephen/Noah: Of course.

Nathan/Hymnbo: Did he say so? How do you really know?

Tyrone/Parav: Well, because he made it and he's gonna test it out and he's going to come back and find us. He's just having a few hiccups.

Nathan/Hymnbo: Oh, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, that tracks. I accept that and I think we all should.

Tyrone/Parav: He did only leave yesterday morning, so…

Nathan/Hymnbo: I'm just gonna wink at everyone else, right.

Stephen/Noah: Are we still standing on pebbles?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: No, we're in the soil now, as we're moving through, still following the march. Notably, actually, you'll notice that every now and then through your march, the fairies will hang a wind chime on a nearby tree and will hang a lantern to go alongside it.

Nathan/Hymnbo: How many have they hung up so far?

*rolls dice*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Six. 

Stephen/Noah: Are there, like, little rocks around, sort of like hand-sized along the trail?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: There’s quite a few frequent pools of water, and yeah they're sort of little banks against the pools.

Stephen/Noah: I'm gonna, like, pick up a rock and look at the lantern and then the rock will just glow a little bit, approximately five feet. I'm just gonna mimic what they're setting up over there.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh, I see you're doing, your tinkering.

Stephen/Noah:Yeah, magical tinkering

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: How long does that last? 

Stephen/Noah: Indefinitely. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Fuck!

Stephen/Noah: But I can only hold up to my intelligence modifier, so I can have up to four. So if I get a fifth one then the last one I did will lose its ability.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So you can have one for each of you?

Stephen/Noah: I was just going to put it down on the ground.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh.

Stephen/Noah: I'm copying what I see! I'm learning!

Nathan/Hymnbo: It’s only five feet… I'm gonna walk five feet away from it! What are these breadcrumbs that we can already see if we're within five feet?

Stephen/Noah: Look, don't try and control Noah, alright? He’s just, he's just vibing. 

Nathan/Hymnbo: Oh, I know-ah (Noah). I can’t. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You can see a light in the distance, even if you can't see what's around you.

Nathan/Hymnbo: I thought so. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You can see…

Nathan/Hymnbo: The light only casts five feet. 

Stephen/Noah: Five feet of bright light followed by five feet of dim light.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah.

Nathan/Hymnbo: Alright.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Think about you see headlights in the distance. You don't know what's around the headlights but you can see the headlights. Parav’s gonna whistle ahead for the marching to stop.

Tyrone/Parav: Alright, this looks like a good place to set up the apothecary. Let's stop here for a minute.

Stephen/Noah: Noah’s just gonna scribble down ‘apothecary’ in his notebook.

Jorja/Magnolia: Me, too. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: He’s just gonna point at a few fairies and be like,

Tyrone/Parav: You, you, you, you're staying behind to build it. We're gonna have a quick rest and then continue onwards. Snack break, anyone?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: A few of the fairies are gonna pick out like some moss from the ground. They're gonna scoop up the water nearby, they're gonna pick up some of the fruit that's growing nearby.

Jorja/Magnolia: Can I find a good chunk of moss, and then are there any flowers or leafy plants around?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I was about to say, whoever cares to, roll me a nature check. Magnolia can do it at advantage.

Jorja/Magnolia: Oh, thank God.

Rosie/Lucille: I got five.

Stephen/Noah: Twelve. 

Jorja/Magnolia: That is another natural twenty. 

Nathan/Hymnbo: That tracks.

Jorja/Magnolia: For a total of twenty.

Nathan/Hymnbo: That rabbit tracks.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Are you not proficient in nature?

Jorja/Magnolia: No, she's a student, so she's learning as she evolves. She will be.

Nathan/Hymnbo: Eighteen. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So with the eighteen and the twenty, I'll begin with. You recognise some of the plants that were blooming in the reeds from Glamos. They are also blooming here in Neptis… Uh, blooming’s a poor choice of words, because they're not blooming. They’re buds, like unopened flowers.

Nathan/Hymnbo: You can bloom a bud?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Well, it can bloom, but it isn't bloomed.

Jorja/Magnolia: Like the golden reeds?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, with a natural twenty, you're gonna see some of the fairies around as they cast Light as a cantrip, and you'll see the bulb, like, bloom, as it opens up and reacts to the magic.

Jorja/Magnolia: Okay, I'm gonna pocket some moss and I'm going to take one of the reeds. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Hell yeah.

Stephen/Noah: What did Noah notice?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Nothing. 

Stephen/Noah: Nothing. He is staring up watching his beloved flying around. Just vibing.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, I'm sorry, there was nothing you saw. You see moss around. You see the willow-like trees that are around.

Stephen/Noah: Oh, okay. He doesn't care. He just watches Honey Boo Boo and Beeyonce circling. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Uh, so are all of the golden reeds that I can see now, like, bloomed, or are there some that are still buds? 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Still buds.

Jorja/Magnolia: Okay. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s just the ones in proximity to the Light cantrip. 

Jorja/Magnolia: I'm gonna take like a handful of ones that have bloomed and a handful of ones that haven't, and the ones that haven't I'm gonna put into like the little bag that I have so that they're away from the light, and then I'm just gonna draw like little scientific diagrams of the plants and what I can figure out from them.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Interesting. 

Stephen/Noah: Science! 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Parav is gonna notice you picking them as they're setting up a little base let's be like, 

Tyrone/Parav: I see you've taken an interest to the aetherbloom. 

Jorja/Magnolia: I don't respond and immediately label the diagram ‘aetherbloom’.

Tyrone/Parav: Curious. 

Nathan/Hymnbo: He’s not here.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s Kyros, not curious. Kyros. K-Y-R-O-S.

Jorja/Magnolia: Yes, I have. I just like plants.

Tyrone/Parav: You will thrive well in Neptis, then. There is quite a fair bit of foliage in this part.

Jorja/Magnolia: I sense I'm gonna need more pockets.

Stephen/Noah: You can't have mine. I need these. Mine are all full of tools. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Add eight of each. So add eight bloomed, eight unbloomed aetherbloom. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Thank you. 

Nathan/Hymnbo: I also noticed the reeds and, in thinking of just playing a saxophone, we could all use some reeds, so I will pocket some reeds. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Fuck sake, I only just got the joke. How many you would like... 

*rolls dice*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Apparently you get ten of the unbloomed aetherbloom, if you care to make a note of that.

Nathan/Hymnbo: I'll take ten aetherbloom. We like the unbloomed ones.

Stephen/Noah: We need a pun counter. Ding!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: He’s gonna sit you down, he's gonna pull out some bread, then he's gonna just rip off pieces and start passing them around to you. 

Tyrone/Parav: Bread? 

Rosie/Lucille: Reminds me of my bread back home.

Tyrone/Parav: You’re a chef back home as well?

Rosie/Lucille: Me? A chef? I told you I'm a goat farmer.

Tyrone/Parav: Do you share the bread with the goats?

Rosie/Lucille: Yes I do, as a matter of fact. I bake it every morning.

Tyrone/Parav: Well, this activity of sharing bread amongst friends should be familiar. 

Rosie/Lucille: Sure. Friends. 

Nathan/Hymnbo: I know a friend. 

Tyrone/Parav: Yes. 

Nathan/Hymnbo: I Noah friend.

Tyrone/Parav: So this Astroneptus you're going to visit, what did they tell you about it?

Nathan/Hymnbo: I have the foggiest idea.

Rosie/Lucille: Dangerous. 

Tyrone/Parav: Yes, they are dangerous. Did they not… is that all they told you?

Rosie/Lucille: It was all very overwhelming. We got a lot of information in one day.

Jorja/Magnolia: I feel like they said something about the lustruous, they were more dangerous than the one that we saw and they protect the like essence-thing we gotta get. 

Tyrone/Parav: Yes, certainly, they are much more dangerous than the buffalo-like creature Onyx saved you from. 

Stephen/Noah: Ah, crap. So, if we find this essence, how do we transport it?

Tyrone/Parav: Oh, it will be… it'll be bite-sized. 

Nathan/Hymnbo: Do you mean one one-thousandth of a really big megabyte? 

Tyrone/Parav: Sure. 

Nathan/Hymnbo: We can handle that, we can handle just a bite-size. 

Tyrone/Parav: Yeah, the Astro is probably a megabyte, yes. 

Nathan/Hymnbo: An alpha-bite.

Rosie/Lucille: Are you going to help us fight it?

Tyrone/Parav: I think Cleary explained to you that we have our own job to do which is scout. If we happen to fall upon the Astro’s lair, so be it. Of course, this is a different one to ones that we have discovered in the past, but they usually like to camouflage. 

Nathan/Hymnbo: When you say camouflage, as what?

Jorja/Magnolia: Oh, didn't they say the camouflage in the mist? 

Nathan/Hymnbo: In the mist?

Tyrone/Parav: Correct. 

Jorja/Magnolia: I'm a good student.

Nathan/Hymnbo: Memory retention, we love. 

Tyrone/Parav: Uh, usually they have a lair of sorts, be it a cave, be it a grove in a forest, be it a lake. Anything of that description, and usually we have to give it offerings to appease it if we ever come across it.

Rosie/Lucille: But we're just gonna kill it, right?

Tyrone/Parav: That’s an interesting approach for the outsiders.

Jorja/Magnolia: We did say we're humans. 

Rosie/Lucille: Well, I assume that's what we're doing here.

Tyrone/Parav: Just kill everything you see, is it?

Rosie/Lucille: How else we're gonna get to it? Should we tame it? Make it our friend?

Nathan/Hymnbo: I agree. We should tame it and make it not our friend, but still tame it .

Tyrone/Parav: Usually, it's too much for us to defeat, so we've often appeased it to make our escape. 

Nathan/Hymnbo: How so?

Tyrone/Parav: It varies. Usually we like to offer it some of the etherbloom. It tends to respond well to that.

Nathan/Hymnbo: Or? 

Tyrone/Parav: Sometimes more abstract things such as music. Sometimes they respond to the wind chimes.

Nathan/Hymnbo: Beeyonce this is your cue. Beeyonce. Beeyonce this is your solo. Beeyonce play me ‘Listen’ by Beyonce. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Beyonce to the stage, please. 

Tyrone/Parav: Oh, I see, we're looking at you because you're the musician.

Nathan/Hymnbo: Am I am I now? I see nothing in… and then I'm gonna tip my hat. My musician tip jar. Am I a musician? I don't think so. I'm still shaking.

Tyrone/Parav: You haven't played anything. 

Nathan/Hymnbo: Because no one's put anything in my hat. 

Jorja/Magnolia: You’re like a jukebox you have to put money in order for it to play.

Nathan/Hymnbo: Have you ever gone to a jukebox and tried to play music without putting money into it?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Human jukebox.

Nathan/Hymnbo: Tell me where you've gone to that specific jukebox, not put money in, and expected music?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: He's just gonna look at your hat and then look to the scouts. He's gonna point at one in particular be like,

Tyrone/Parav: River, you're in charge while I'm away. 

Nathan/Hymnbo: River? 

Tyrone/Parav: Alright, notably that's the one that started the dab trend and Lucille scolded earlier.

Rosie/Lucille: What's this young chap's name again? 

Tyrone/Parav: Her name is River. We’re moving on. We're going to leave five of them behind to set up the apothecary.

Rosie/Lucille: Are we moving on, too?

Tyrone/Parav: Unless you want to stay behind and become… 

Nathan/Hymnbo: Apothecary workers.

Tyrone/Parav: Medics.

Rosie/Lucille: Well not particularly. I couldn't think of anything less appealing, actually .

Tyrone/Parav: Then on we march!

*melodic music plays*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: This march will continue for some time, following the very methodical nature of hanging up a wind chime every now and then, followed by a lantern.

Rosie/Lucille: Lucille wants to steal a lantern. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Why? 

Rosie/Lucille: She's realised that she doesn't have any gear or like a lantern of her own or anything, so she's getting a bit concerned if she gets separated from the group. So yeah, Lucille wants to go and steal a lantern.

Stephen/Noah: Noah can see this in her eyes. She's like ‘I want a lantern’. So he bends down he picks up a rock. He makes it glow a little bit, and he hands it to her. 

Rosie/Lucille: Aww, I'm now best friends with Noah. I'm, like, holding the rock and stroking it and it gives me light .

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Is there anything that you would like to ask of Parav, or any of the other scouts?

Stephen/Noah: What’s an apothecary?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Uh, makes potions.

Stephen/Noah: Why are you setting it up in the middle of the trail?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Neptus is perfect for apothecaries because of all the natural ingredients rich in magical potency.

Nathan/Hymnbo: I want to ask one thing. This apothecary we're setting up, is it going to help us or is it going to help you?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Hopefully both.

Nathan/Hymnbo:  Do we need an apothecary to battle whatever we're facing in this…. I have the foggiest idea… Oh, the mist .

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It's mostly helpful to the healers back in Lampents so that we can heal any of the scouts that might fall on their journies today. 

Nathan/Hymnbo: While you say that, can I play the violin version of ‘Danny Boy’? 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: No vocals?

*Violin solo*

Nathan/Hymnbo: Danny boy, the pies, the pies.

Tyrone/Parav: If we need to hold a funeral we know who to contact, assuming it isn't yours

Rosie/Lucille: It’s very interesting that you do funerals here. Are they the same as back home?

Tyrone/Parav: I don't know what your funeral is like. 

Nathan/Hymnbo: Yeah. 

Rosie/Lucille: That’s a very good point.

Nathan/Hymnbo: Funerals are like celebrations. Celebrations are for like birthday parties, but in reverse. 

Tyrone/Parav: We have lost a lot to the Lustris. That's why we have our city. It is our fortress.

Stephen/Noah: My condolences.

Tyrone/Parav: Thank you. Are there any other questions?

Stephen/Noah: I might go up to one of the scouts and just ask about the lantern I'm going to look at the rock that Lucille's holding and look at the lantern and be… I'm just just disappointed. You know, just a little disappointed in myself that mine is so dim.

Tyrone/Parav: What do you need to know?

Stephen/Noah: I'm just wondering, what makes the lantern glow?

Tyrone/Parav: Uh, Faerie Fire.

Stephen/Noah: Writes down Faerie Fire.

Rosie/Lucille: Lucille can kind of hear this and she has for a while been trying to make fire, because she has been seeing other fairies doing it. So yeah, holding the rock up she like tries to cast the cantrip for fire.

Nathan/Hymnbo: Is that a cantrip?

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Can you have Faerie Fire?

Rosie/Lucille: It's Druid Craft.  I wanna show the rock to Noah and be like, “Look!” 

Stephen/Noah: How did you do that?!

Rosie/Lucille: Magic!

Nathan/Hymnbo: Magic, what are you talking about? I would like to also cast a cantrip.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What are you gonna cast?

Nathan/Hymnbo: Thaumaturgy.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Why? 

Nathan/Hymnbo: It's because I can cause flames to flicker, brighten, or dim.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Interesting. What are you gonna do with it?

Nathan/Hymnbo: I'm gonna change it’s colour 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Lucille’s fire?

Nathan/Hymnbo: I'm going to change Lucille's fire so when she tries to burn the rock, that it just randomly turns green. So, I will cast Thaumaturgy just like, “Confundus” 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Is that Harry Potter?

Nathan/Hymnbo: Yeah it's a Harry Potter. Like Harry Potter, we’re confusing everybody.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yep, there you go. Your fire turns green.

Stephen/Noah: Noah's just trying to understand this world, and then all of a sudden turned into a magical dick-measuring contest.

Nathan/Hymnbo: There’s only Lucille measuring her dick. 

Stephen/Noah: And you turning it green.

Jorja/Magnolia: I would just look for more cool plants, and then if there's anything that's really different to something on Earth, like our Earth, then I would ask questions about it.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Every plant that you find here, Magnolia, is different to the one from Earth. Ranging from the trees to the vines to various flowers. Along the way there's quite a few… The only one that came into my head was blue flowers, red thorns.

Nathan/Hymnbo: So does Parav see any of the fire forming?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah he's… That's a normal thing for a fairy so he's not- 

Nathan/Hymnbo: A normal thing?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah. 

Nathan/Hymnbo: Even green?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah! The actual spell Faerie Fire you can change it to whatever colour you want. 

Nathan/Hymnbo: I wanted her to be Slytherin green.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You're like, ‘Fine, I'm not special’. Everybody, we're gonna do some rolls. Roll me a perception, which we know that we have disadvantage on.

*rolls dice* 

Nathan/Hymnbo: I got an eleven, and then re-rolled to a tem. 

Jorja/Magnolia: I wrote a natural one for five 

Stephen/Noah: Twelve. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Seventeen. 

Stephen/Noah: Just for the record, Honey Boo Boo rolled a Nat one, but Beeyonce got a twelve.

Jorja/Magnolia: Me and Honey Boo Boo were just staring at each other like, ‘What are you?’

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I mean, you're in the mist. Lucille, with the seventeen, you see the school of radiant fish come by again. You see one sort of trail off from the school as they continue flying and it sort of flies down closer to you. Something is wrong with it. It doesn't seem like those ones that you got up close with before. It is shaking, it's light is flashing on and off. It's even changing colour. Before it was like a silvery blue, now it is slowly changing to yellow and then slowly into orange, and amber into red. 

Rosie/Lucille: That’s a sick fish 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes. 

Rosie/Lucille: Can I go towards it and try and pick it up or something?

*rolls dice*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay, yeah.

Rosie/Lucille: So what, am I holding the fishy?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You are holding the fish. In your hands you can feel it growing in size. You start seeing different appendages growing out of it. Out of its head it starts growing like a stalk 

Rosie/Lucille: Oh my god. Lucille’s just gonna drop it and be like, “Oh my god! What is this?” 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Everybody can see this now is this fish that Lucille picked up it has grown to twenty times its size, and is slowly becoming what sort of resembles an anglerfish. 

Rosie/Lucille: A what?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Anglerfish.

Rosie/Lucille: Oh, I know what you mean. Like in Nemo?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Parav is going to yell at the other scouts and be like, 

Tyrone/Parav: Disperse! 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And they run in all different directions.

Nathan/Hymnbo: Can I also run in the opposite direction? 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Towards the apothecary again?

Nathan/Hymnbo: Yes. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay, what is everybody else doing?

Stephen/Noah: I'm definitely going to yell out to Honey Boo Boo and Beeyonce and just be like, “Come. Follow me, follow me.” And then we'll also head back towards the apothecary. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Interesting. And the other guys?

Stephen/Noah: He doesn't run very fast.

Jorja/Magnolia: I will stand halfway between Lucille and Noah. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Well just Noah's running away, I guess. 

Nathan/Hymnbo: I'm also I'm also on par but also towards the apothecary more than Noah, because I didn't have to call to anyone. I'm my own superstar. 

Rosie/Lucille: Lucille’s like, ‘Ah!’. Lucille actually wants to assert dominance over this, in the same way she would a goat that's misbehaving. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay, okay. What's your AC Rosie? 

Rosie/Lucille: Fifteen.

*Dice rolls*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You take… nine points of damage as this thing chomps down with all of its pointy teeth on one of your arms.

Rosie/Lucille: *screams*

Stephen/Noah: I think as the scream screams through the mist, Noah’s probably gonna turn around and be like, ‘WTF just happened?’. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah. 

Rosie/Lucille: Can I, as a reaction… Yeah I've got that little reaction thing. Yeah, as a reaction, can I whack it with my stick? 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Roll on attack roll.

*Dice rolls*

Rosie/Lucille: Twenty-two. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: All right. Roll for damage 

Nathan/Hymnbo: Wait did you roll a nat twenty?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s an eighteen. 

Rosie/Lucille: Plus four. Oh, uh, ten. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Ten points of damage. You have definitely done a little bit of a shook.

Rosie/Lucille: Nice. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Who is in the area right now? Has Noah come back?

Jorja/Magnolia: I would immediately run over if she screamed and I saw the attack, so I would make my way over there. 

Stephen/Noah: Yeah, Noah’s going to come running back.

Nathan/Hymnbo: I'm slightly behind Noah.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Alright, I'll get Lucille and Magnolia for now to roll me wisdom saving throws.

*rolls dice*

Rosie/Lucille: I got a solid ten.

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah.

Nathan/Hymnbo: But don't worry my wisdom's a zero, right?

Jorja/Magnolia: I got an eighteen. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Rosie, if you find yourself wanting to scream again, you cannot. You have been silenced. 

Rosie/Lucille: Like, all of my voice, or just screaming?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s your voice.

Jorja/Magnolia: Any spell that you have that requires verbal, you cannot cast.

Rosie/Lucille: Oh good thing I don't have any spells.

Jorja/Magnolia: So glad I passed that.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And the anglerfish, a bit taken aback by Lucille bonking it on the head, actually fighting back, is going to start floating up in the air away from you guys, into the mist above. 

Rosie/Lucille: Lucille tries to yell out, “Yeah that's right”, but nothing happens.

Nathan/Hymnbo: We love silencing women.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I'm picturing Sophie in Howl’s Moving Castle when she can't talk about the curse. She’s like… *impression of Sophie from Howl’s Moving Castle mumbling*

Jorja/Magnolia: How far away is it?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: How far away is it? If you're reacting relatively quickly, it can be within thirty feet, but it is disappearing into the mist above quickly, so you will not be able to see it very quickly. 

Rosie/Lucille: Can I quickly throw a throwing star?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I'll allow it. Same with Magnolia, whatever you want to do.

*rolls dice*

Rosie/Lucille: Fourteen 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: A fourteen. You can't see if it hits or not but a throwing star disappears into the mist .

Rosie/Lucille: Oh, my throwing star!

Nathan/Hymnbo: Does that mean she loses the star indefinitely?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, you don't know whether that's stuck inside of it or not but- 

Rosie/Lucille: Alright, four in inventory. Worth it.

Jorja/Magnolia: I'm gonna cast Toll the Dead, so it needs to make a wisdom save. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh!

*Dice rolls*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Let’s see. Eleven. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Oh fail, and it's taken damage, right?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes, it has taken ten damage.

*Dice rolls* 

Jorja/Magnolia: It takes seven necrotic damage.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What does that do sorry? Do you care to flavour it up?

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah, so, like, a spectral thing appears next to it to toll like a bell, but instead of just a bell it's a death bell flower, and it just rings in its ear and just seeps in.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Right, what sort of sound does it make?

Jorja/Magnolia: Just like a loud bong.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Like a gong, is what I'm picturing?

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah.

*gong sound effect*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Nice. Hymnbo and Noah have caught up now to find that Lucille has been silenced.

Nathan/Hymnbo: Finally.

Rosie/Lucille: Lucille goes to bonk him over the head.

Stephen/Noah: Is there an arm missing on a certain silenced fairy friend?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: No, but there is definitely a bunch of, like, pincer marks all down it.

Stephen/Noah: I'm gonna go over and just with a curious face be like, ‘hmm’. I'm gonna lay my hands on the wound and cure the wounds.

Rosie/Lucille: Lucille isn't used to this human touch.

Jorja/Magnolia: Oh gosh.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: We've established that you have grandkids, so there must have been a man possibly in your life at some point.

Jorja/ Magnolia: Years ago, love. 

Rosie/Lucille: I'm silenced. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Lucille doesn't kiss and tell.

Rosie/Lucille: Lucille doesn't kiss. 

Jorja/Magnolia: She tells though.

Rosie/Lucille: All tell and no kiss.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: How much are you healing?

*Dice rolls*

Stephen/Noah: Ten. 

Rosie/Lucille: Oh, thank you.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: But how does Cure Wounds manifest?

Stephen/Noah: My hands start glowing and the wounds start glowing and then the wounds are gone, and I'm just as surprised as she is. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master:  Interestingly this glow, similar to Magnolia's Lay on Hands, seems to remind you a little bit of the glow of Glamos and the glow of the buffalo.

Nathan/Hymnbo: What is it? Apart from an anglerfish in the mist? An angular fish in the mist. So, I see that Lucille is silenced,  and how far away from… if I'm right behind Noah, how far away am I from the Lustris fish? 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Well that answered your question before, it's a Lustris. How far away are you? It has disappeared into the mist above. You cannot see it.

Nathan/Hymnbo: I'm going to not play anything at all and just stay behind Noah. Also, I will cast a cantrip. So this is my next cantrip, which is the same one before. Like the thaumaturgy, which is booming my voice as loud as I can for one minute. And I want to say, “Hey fish, there's some sexy ass bait over here”.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Are you expecting someone to be like, ‘Hey boo’? 

Nathan/Hymnbo: Kinda. No that would have been my Vicious Mockery, which I would have done except I can't see where they are. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Valid.

Nathan/Hymnbo: That's why I asked all those things. Can I see it?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You cannot see it.

Nathan/Hymnbo: Can I shout the insults into the mist?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You can.

Nathan/Hymnbo: It's okay because I already did my action spell which is a cantrip. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: True. We’re not in combat right now.

Nathan/Hymnbo: Oh cool, cool. I will still just shout into the distance. I'm gonna lure it into combat. “Hey fish”. Right. “There's some sexy ass bait over here”.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’re just saying the same thing again?

Nathan/Hymnbo: No, no, yeah. It was the same thing. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay. 

Nathan/Hymnbo: No difference has changed.

Stephen/Noah: I thought you were just gonna say, ‘Hey fish, you missed!’ 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It has just dawned on you that you are alone. You cannot see Parav. You cannot see the scouts. You cannot see the anglerfish.

Nathan/Hymnbo: Is this me?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Everybody.

Nathan/Hymnbo: Oh okay, so this booming voice lasts for a minute. Can I also shout into the unknown. I can't see anything. CUCKAH!

Stephen/Noah: I mean, we're not gonna stop you. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah we can’t. You weren't silenced.

Nathan/Hymnbo: CUCKAH!

Stephen/Noah: Noah's gonna like pick up a rock and hold it in his hand while you're going CUCKAH into the wilderness, and then he's gonna poke it and it's gonna repeat back…

*CUCKAH!*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That’s really nice.

Nathan/Hymnbo: *gasp!* I have a fan!

Jorja/Magnolia: Magnolia is gonna freak out a little bit, and start looking, and I think accidentally set off her Divine Sense. So, in sixty feet, she can sense anything affected by the Hallowed spell, or know the location of any Celestial, Fiend or Undead.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Celestial, Fiend, or Undead… You are not getting anything back. There's no Celestial nearby.

Jorja/Magnolia: Alright, perfect. That's okay, we're good for the moment.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I'm sorry, come back for a second. You get the sense in your brain that there is one Celestial nearby.

Rosie/Lucille: Is it me? 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s Lucille.

Rosie/Lucille: Lucille's gonna watch them all freaking out. Then she's gonna hold out her hand and light a fire on it, and be like, ‘Look, here’s light’, but she's not going to say that because, you know, she's silenced, so she shows up by hand.

Stephen/Noah: Is she not just going to hold up her glowing rock?

Rosie/Lucille: I dropped it when I was attacked. I forgot to say. 

Stephen/Noah: Oh.

Jorja/Magnolia: I hate to be that guy, but Druid Craft has verbal components.

Rosie/Lucille: Oh no, it does. I have to whisper to the spirits of nature. Okay well Lucille… Alright well she tries to do it, and she holds up her hand, all like, ‘Oh look at this. Look what I've done’, and then I guess just nothing really happens.

Jorja/Magnolia: I go up and high-five it 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Everybody who would like to roll me a survival check.

*Dice rolls*

Stephen/Noah: Noah rolled a dirty twenty. Honey Boo Boo rolled a ten, and Beeyonce rolled a nineteen. And yes, I will be rolling for all of them whenever you ask.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Thank you.

Jorja/Magnolia: Twenty-one. 

Nathan/Hymnbo: A numero tres.

Rosie/Lucille: Seventeen. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Anyone who got over a fifteen will pick up on wind chimes in the distance.

Nathan/Hymnbo: As a three, for our non-Spanish speaking audience, do I not hear anything?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You do not. You do not pick up on the wind chimes, most likely because the Thaumaturgy has sort of made your ears a bit funky for a second.

Stephen/Noah: So like me and Beeyonce are both like, 'huh?', and then Honey Boo Boo is just doing swirlies.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Swirlies?

Nathan/Hymnbo: Swirlies?

Stephen/Noah: Zoomies.

Rosie/Lucille: I'm gonna hear it, and then I'm gonna start trying to get people to go towards it by basically just hitting them with my walking stick, and pushing them in the right direction, like, 'here it's over here', but I'm not talking because I'm silenced. I'm just kind of using my hands and my stick to push them. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: When you go to say 'here', you hear the word 'here' come out. 

Jorja/Magnolia: No, it's over.

Rosie/Lucille: Here! Oh my god, I'm speaking. Wow!

Stephen/Noah: The silence was nice while it lasted.

Rosie/Lucille: Well, you're not getting any more of that, sonny.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Lucille is trying to get your attention. 

Jorja/Magnolia: What was it? Yeah, I hear it. Should probably move quietly though.

Rosie/Lucille: I've been quiet, but I suppose so. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Following the wind chimes? 

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Alright, following the wind chimes in the mist. It has started to rain.

Nathan/Hymnbo:  So are we going in the reverse direction of where we wanted to go?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I won't make you roll the things again. Anyone who got above fifteen noted that you are not going in the direction that you were before, or you are not going in the direction that… You're not going backwards either. You're not going back towards the apothecary. It's in a new direction entirely.

Jorja/Magnolia: But we saw all of the scouts go in different directions, correct?

Nathan/Hymnbo: New Directions.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah. 

Nathan/Hymnbo: We're shaking our heads but we've all seen Glee.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I haven't.

Nathan/Hymnbo: We all love New Directions.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: One more roll of the episode. Everybody, roll me an investigation.

*rolls dice*

Rosie/Lucille: Nineteen.

Nathan/Hymnbo: Eleven.

Jorja/Magnolia: Ten. Gotta wait for three rolls. 

Nathan/Hymnbo: Oh my god.

Stephen/Noah: This time it's Honey Boo Boo. I rolled a nineteen.  Honey Boo Boo got an eleven and Beyonce got a three. No, they're not very smart. 

Jorja/Magnolia: When you forget that intelligence is a big stat for you.

Nathan/Hymnbo: Does that apply to all of your stolen iPhones?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: They have different stats. Anybody who rolled above a ten, you will see a light in the distance resembling the Faerie Fire, the lanterns lit, with the wind chimes which makes sense. The wind chimes are with the lanterns. Anybody who rolled above fifteen will notice that they can't see a wind chime with the lantern. Who rolled the highest?

Rosie/Lucille: I got nineteen. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Those who rolled the nineteen will notice that the lantern is not attached to a tree but is instead attached to the stem of the anglerfish, and you'll notice that it is, with its mouth, is making wind chime noisea.

Stephen/Noah: I hate that. 

Rosie/Lucille: That is horrifying 

Theme Song: *rock music plays*

Finding home in the belly of the beast, to make it home we can’t accept defeat, so roll the dice and come along with me, finding home in the belly of the beast

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Thank you so much for listening to Portal Quandary. Portal Quandary is made possible by the following people: Myself, Tyrone Cross, the Dungeon Master, Community Manager, and Editor, Stephen Edwards as Noah, Nathan Lee as Hymnbo, Rosemary Ochtman as Lucille, and Jorja Odd as Magnolia. Elias Moffat is our Content Producer and Narrative Consultant. Jerome is our Editing Assistant, and Amelia Nemet is our Transcriber. The theme song is Belly of the Beast by Lily Harnath and Henry Lucas, and if you need to contact us you can do so at portalquandary@gmail.com. This podcast was recorded on the lands of the Wurundjeri people, and produced on the lands of the Awabakal, Birpai, and Wurundjeri people. Portal Quandary acknowledges and pays respect to our traditional custodians and to their past, present and emerging leaders. 

Theme Song: *rock music continues* 

Finding home in the belly of the beast, (in the belly of the beast), to make it home we can’t accept defeat, (there’s no turning back) so roll the dice and come along with me, (come along with me, let’s go), finding home in the belly of the beast.

Nathan/Hymnbo: Lord that was a cliffhanger.  Ah! I'm so excited! 

Nathan/Hymnbo:  Yo soy muy malo en lanzar, pero yo soy muy bueno en comer frijoles. Come los Bean Bay frijoles, los frijoles de los reyes.

Stephen/Noah: Which taco ad was that from?

Nathan/Hymnbo: Futurama.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I don't know what you just said so I don't know whether I'm supposed to keep that in the edit. 

Nathan/Hymnbo: Alright, um, that means ‘I'm so bad at throwing, but I am good at eating beans. I eat Bean Bay beans. They are the beaniest. King of the Beans.’