Episode 4: Timmit

The party encounters a few new faces, but loses track of others. We learn more about the goat system, Lucille and Magnolia’s friendship reaches a new level, and Noah plays favourites (no thopters were harmed in the making of this episode).

Content warnings for this week’s episode include coarse language, fantasy violence, and mentions of animal death.

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Dungeon Master, Community Manager, and Editing is Tyrone Cross      

Noah is Steven Edwards

Timothy and Editing Assistant is Olive Jerome

Lucille is Rosemary Ochtman

Magnolia is Jorja Odd

Elias Moffat is our Content Producer and Narrative Consultant

Amelia Nemet is our Transcriber

Theme song is “Belly of The Beast” by Lily Harnath and Henry Lucas (@lilyharnath & @henrylucas5)

Email us at portalquandary@gmail.com 

Sound effects used in this episode include:

Calm Synthesizer, C - Inspector J

dawn40000 - levelclearer

Fire - mmutua

Nostro8.wav - levelclearer

Ship4 - levelclearer

Beating Wings - juskiddink

JamesportWindChimes.wav - acclivity

80's Analog Synth - Yellow Tree

This podcast was recorded on the lands of the Wurundjeri people and produced on the lands of the Awabakal, Bunerong, and Wurundjeri people. Portal Quandary acknowledges and pays respect to our traditional custodians and to their past and present leaders. 

The story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased) is intended or should be inferred.

Transcript

Rosie/Lucille: Portal Quandary has some content warnings which you can find in the episode description. 

*music*

Tyrone/River: Dear diary, Moving Day went great. There was some delay, so the countdown wasn't all that fun this time, but aside from that, everything was just fine. More importantly, we are about to send scouts into the new regions around Lambence and I am finally doing my first scout mission after Parav declared me field-ready. We're exploring Neptis, only there's gonna be some others joining us who sort of just appeared, I guess. I don't know, I haven't seen them before and they certainly don't seem like they have the proper training to join us, but, well Parav proved them and he'll probably have some proverb at the ready for ‘why it's a good thing they’re there’, even though they're clearly not scouts. Anyway, I figured I should go over some of the basics for Neptis one last time to lock them in before we start getting ready. You can never be too careful. There’s the obvious, of course: don't touch any Exos. 

Rosie/Lucille: That’s a sick fish. So what, am I holding the fishy? 

Tyrone/River: Oh, and make sure not to draw attention to yourself in the fog. 

Nathan/Hymnbo: There’s some sexy-ass bait over here. 

Tyrone/River: Listen to your scout leader, that's a given. 

Tyrone/Parav: Disperse! 

Tyrone/River: Don’t touch the chimes and lanterns, unless you're securing them. 

Rosie/Lucille: Lucille wants to steal a lantern. 

Tyrone/River: And… I highly doubt we'll come across any, especially this early on in the move so far from Glamos, but above all else one should not engage the Lustris. 

*wind chimes dangle harmoniously*

Tyrone/River: That’s all of the important stuff. I should really start getting ready. I can't wait for my first scouting mission, this is going to be great. River, official scouting member of the wayfaring city.

Theme Song: *rock music plays*

Finding home in the belly of the beast, to make it home we can’t accept defeat, so roll the dice and come along with me, finding home in the belly of the beast

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Hey there, this is Tyrone your Dungeon Master here. I’m just here with a little pre-show announcement, and unfortunately, the bearer of some bad news. So, Nathan who plays our bard Hymnbo, has unfortunately had some personal things come up and so he is unable to continue with the podcast. So, we're doing our best to try and make that a smooth process in terms of listening, but of course it's always going to be a little bit clunky, so we're doing our best there and I'm hoping that the listening experience is still alright. And of course, help us give our love to Nathan.

*music*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Welcome back to episode four of Portal Quandary: Prophis, and roll initiative. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Woah. Uh, okay. Immediate.

*rolls dice*

Jorja/Magnolia: Total, it is eleven. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What did you get, Lucille?

Rosie/Lucille: Um, I got a solid nine.

Steven/Noah: Uh, I got a nineteen. Honey Boo Boo got a four, and oh wait, no, they go after me. Anyway, it doesn't matter. My team got a nineteen. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And it… where's its initiative order?

*rolls dice*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It got a eight.

Steven/Noah: Victory.

Jorja/Magnolia: That’s half the battle.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, as you remember, some of you saw the anglerfish, some did not, namely being Lucille and Noah. But before we were able to react or alert, a big gust of wind comes in and blows in this thick blanket of fog, which in D&D mechanics, renders you blind with the blind condition, so you cannot see anything. 

Steven/Noah: Heck. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I'm giving the people who saw it an extra round before we introduce the other guys into the turn order, so that would be Noah. Noah is first, you have a turn to do something about this.

Steven/Noah: Before I'm blind?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Ah, no, you’re blind.

Steven/Noah: No, no, you're blind, sweet. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You're blind. 

Steven/Noah: Ah, hm, I see.

Jorja/Magnolia: No, you don’t.

Steven/Noah: You got me there. You're so right. Yeah, so I'm gonna cast Sanctuary.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Uh, please remind me what that one does? 

Steven/Noah: I ward the creature within range against attack, until the spell ends. Any creature who targets the warded creature on the attack has to make a wisdom saving throw. On a failed save, the creature must choose a new target or lose the attack or spell. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Do you need to see this person? 

Steven/Noah: It just says within range. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay, who are you warding? 

Steven/Noah: Probably Lucille, because I have a feeling Lucille's gonna just start bonking into the darkness.

Jorja/Magnolia: I will just say, read the last part of that.

Steven/Noah: Fair enough. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What does it just say? 

Steven/Noah: I wish to change my target.

Jorja/Magnolia: I've got, I've got beaten by that in the past.

Steven/Noah: Valid. If the warded creature makes an attack or casts a spell, then the spell ends. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh. 

Steven/Noah: So in that case, I will ward Beeyonce. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay. 

Steven/Noah: And then as a bonus action, I will tell Honey Boo Boo to try and just stay behind me.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, what is this Sanctuary look like? How does this manifest for Noah? 

Steven/Noah: Well, I was gonna say it's like a hemisphere over something, but Beeyonce's in the air, so I guess it's just a full sphere of light stuff protecting her.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Sort of light barriers surrounding…

Steven/Noah: Yeah. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Honey Boo Boo?

Steven/Noah: Yeah, actually, picture a soccer ball, except it's all hexagons.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh, I get it, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Steven/Noah: Like a hexagonal orb all around her, because she reminds me of bees.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Alright. Lucille, you have a turn. 

Rosie/Lucille: So does that mean I get to, like, do something, and then a little bonus one? 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, so combat works as usual. So you get a main action, a move action, and a bonus action. 

Rosie/Lucille: Okay. I'm going to run towards it, directly where I last saw it before the fog came in, then I'm gonna yell over my shoulder, “Everybody, brandish your weapons!” And as I do that, I'm gonna grab out my walking stick and point it towards the thing, but I'm not gonna throw it because I don't want to lose it, but I'm on my way.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, that's your cane, not your throwing stars? 

Rosie/Lucille: Yep, my cane. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Cute. 

Rosie/Lucille: Because I'm not gonna throw it, I'm gonna run towards it then stab it, eventually, I hope. In the eye.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So that's a bonus action and a move action. Do you want to do anything with your main action?

Rosie/Lucille: Well, I can't really do much else if I'm running, can I?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You don't have to. 

Rosie/Lucille: No, I don't think I will. I think I'm just going to focus on running towards it, like, preparing to stab it. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Something to remind you guys as well is that you can hold your turns, if you like. So, if you want to do something a bit later, you can hold off until the next round, but you have to use your turn by the time your next turn comes around.

Rosie/Lucille: Cool. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay, it's the anglerfish's turn. 

Steven/Noah: Meep.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And it is going to use a move that emits a pulse of magic. You're gonna feel a pulse of energy wash over you. Everybody, roll me a constitution save, except for Magnolia; you get advantage. Rosie, you don't have to roll.

Rosie/Lucille: Oh. Why?

*rolls dice*

Steven/Noah: A constitution saving throw? 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes, please. 

Steven/Noah: Stunning. Nineteen. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Twenty-one. 

Steven/Noah: Should I roll for my children?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah. 

*rolls dice*

Steven/Noah: Oh, Beeyonce got a sixteen. Honey Boo Boo got a three.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Alright. Okay, the reason you didn't have to roll, Rosie, is because it cast its Silence spell again. So, because you've already been silenced today, you automatically saved because Magnolia saved against it before she got advantage, which means that, was it Honey Boo Boo? Is silenced. 

Steven/Noah: Oh no! All the spells she knows!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: But everyone else is fine, and you can't see if it makes a move action or a bonus action.

Steven/Noah: Ew. Do we hear anything?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You hear the lovely, lovely sounds of some wind chimes.

*wind chimes dangle melodically*

Steven/Noah: Disgusting.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Upon which point the thick fog has passed through and it's back to the regular fog where you still get disadvantage on perception checks, but Hymnbo is gone. 

Rosie/Lucille: Whoa, where'd he go, where did he come from, Cotton Eyed Joe?

Steven/Noah: Wait, wait, where did the violinist go?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Now that Lucille has pointed it out to Magnolia. Magnolia can see this big ass fucking anglerfish in front of her.

Rosie/Lucille: Nice. Can I attack it?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Not after Noah, Noah gets to go next.

Rosie/Lucille: Okay. 

Steven/Noah: Stunning. Okay, I can see this giant fish now, so I guess I'm gonna try and shoot it with a crossbow. 

*rolls dice*

Steven/Noah: Will a six hit?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It will not. 

Steven/Noah: Yeah crap, darn, missed again. As a bonus action, I will tell Beeyonce to move closer to it and try and annoy it, try and get all up in its grill.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Is this the warded one?

Steven/Noah: It sure is.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Losing track of them already.

Steven/Noah: Honey Boo Boo's behind me, she is hiding.

Jorja/Magnolia: Silenced. 

Steven/Noah: And she can't speak.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You've shot a crossbow into the mist and been like- 

Steven/Noah: I hope it didn't hit Hymnbo. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: In the distance you just hear, ‘Ow!’. And to Beeyonce, you're like, ‘Beeyonce, annoy!’. 

Steven/Noah: Use annoy!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Now passing to you Rosie. Oh, sorry, they have turns now. 

Steven/Noah: Yeah, so Beeyonce goes directly after me, so she is going to carry out her instruction and move closer towards this giant anglerfish and fly around it as fast as she can and just irritate the hell out of it. And she's also glowing and, yeah, and Honey Boo Boo will hide behind my shoulder in silence.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I'm curious how Beeyonce's annoying will come into it, but maybe it'll do something.

Steven/Noah: Me too.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Now moving to you, Rosie. 

Rosie/Lucille: Alright, so how far away from it am I?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Well, you did run towards it. I'm gonna say that you're ten feet.

Rosie/Lucille: Ten feet. Alright. Now, this may be a bad idea but… So I imagine its eye is quite a bit above me, right?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes, it is floating, and do you mean it's eye or it's a little dangly light thing? 

Rosie/Lucille: Oh, yeah, the dangly light thing. I want to try and stab it off.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Goddamn. It is a little bit, so you might have to make an acrobatics fly check.

Rosie/Lucille: Alright, well, I'm gonna try and fly ten feet into the air. I've never flown before, except for that time I tried to and then I fell.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You flew that time you touched the fish for the first time.

Rosie/Lucille: Oh, that's true, I did. Yeah, I'm a pro. Alright, so you say acrobatics?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes, roll an acrobatics check.

*rolls dice*

Rosie/Lucille: Twenty-three. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Goddamn, this is the best damn flying you've had in your damn life. In fact, I'm going to give you advantage on flying checks from now on.

Rosie/Lucille: Oh, heck yeah. That's so much. Lucille's so confident right now, so she's gonna fly up ten feet in the air, not even quite realise that she's flying, and then she's gonna, with her walking stick, try and stab and slice across on this thing’s light to try and chop it off.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Roll an attack roll, I suppose.

Rosie/Lucille: Is the bell good or bad? Oh it's a twenty. I got a twenty. Twenty-six. 

*laughter*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: A natural twenty. 

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Roll for damage. 

Rosie/Lucille: Oh heck, yeah. Seven plus four, eleven. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, you know what? You stab this light right in the bulb-stalk thing, and it goes dark because you've removed the light source from the area. 

Rosie/Lucille: I did consider this, but I thought it would be best to go ahead with it anyway.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It is in a lot of pain. You did do a lot of damage.

Rosie/Lucille: Lucille just saw this light and it's like a when you wave a red flag at a bull. She just had to attack, you know?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I suppose it's your turn, unless… I think you've got a bonus action.

Rosie/Lucille: Heck yeah. Oh, I do. Oh, I know what I'd like to do with that. I would like to light a candle in my hand with my Druidcraft. I'm going to whisper to the spirits of nature, imagining it's my goat, and then there'll be light.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It looks like that's not a bonus action. That looks like it's a full action.

Rosie/Lucille: Oh, that's so sad, oh. 

Steven/Noah: Do you still have a rock that I gave to you?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: She dropped it in the fight last time.

Steven/Noah: She dropped it? Oh my god.

Jorja/Magnolia: If that doesn't sum up Rosie slash Lucille, I don't know what does.

Steven/Noah: Never mind, I can't help you.

Rosie/Lucille: Nah, I'm done. That’s it. She's pretty happy with that, yeah.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Easy, okay, it’s It’s turn. Because you've pissed it off a lot, Rosie 

Rosie/Lucille: Oh no.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It is going to attempt to bite you; it has a thirst for blood.

Steven/Noah: So, this tiny little thopter in its face going, Woah, oh, oh, woah, oh oh (in the Style of Beyonce’s ‘Single Ladies) did nothing?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Do they have hands to do the Single Ladies dance? 

Jorja/Magnolia: They use their wings!

Steven/Noah: Yeah!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I'll give it a negative one penalty… negative two penalty. I'm nice.

Steven/Noah: I don't know what that means.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I'll take negative two off its roll for its attack.

Steven/Noah: It can't attack, it's warded. It is there to annoy.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: No, the anglerfish has negative two

*rolls dice*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Which is a dirty twenty. Does a dirty twenty hit Rosie?

Rosie/Lucille: Oh no, it's fifteen. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Fifteen. Alright, then you… I need to borrow some dice actually, please.

Rosie/Lucille: Wait you need that many?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I need a lot of D6s, please. 

Rosie/Lucille: Oh, great. 

Jorja/Magnolia: You'll be fine.

*rolls dice*

Rosie/Lucille: Oh no.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: How much HP do you have?

Rosie/Lucille: Wouldn't you like to know.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Well, you've just taken seventeen points of damage. 

Rosie/Lucille: I've got fourteen. 

Jorja/Magnolia: You might not be fine.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Wait, so you're in death saves?

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah, probably, yeah, I guess so. If that, yeah, that's the way it works. Maths, yes. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Um, yeah. 

Rosie/Lucille: Am I dead?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You are in death saves, so you drop down to the floor from flying above it. 

Rosie/Lucille: This poor old lady. You're gonna kill an old lady? 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I'll try.

*laughter*

Steven/Noah: She’s gonna join all the lovely goats in the sky.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I think you mean the lovely goats in the pit by her house, by the dam.

Rosie/Lucille: Well, you have to bury them somewhere.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: But that is Its turn, which makes it Magnolia's turn.

Rosie/Lucille: Save me.

Jorja/Magnolia: I have some questions. Can I see anything?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You can see, yeah. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Okay, and how far away is Lucille 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Twenty feet. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Okay, so the fish is also twenty feet 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes. 

Jorja/Magnolia: That’s great. I will run over to Lucille.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Lovely, that’s your move.

Jorja/Magnolia: Uh, and I'll just see her on the ground be like “What the fuck?” It's okay, I would just hold her hand really reluctantly because I'm like, ‘I don't think she likes to be touched, I don't know’. 

Rosie/Lucille: Oh, Lucille would hate this!

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah, it's like, I'll just do quick so that you won't know. So, I'll just touch her and use my Lay On Hands and give her, oh, four hit points.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You'll be back up to four hit points.

Rosie/Lucille: Hey! I live!

Jorja/Magnolia: And because that’s not a spell, it’s an ability…

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Mhm.

Jorja/Magnolia: I will use my bonus action to cast a spell of Divine Favour, so after, I just take my hand back from Lucille before she sees. I'll just grab the weapon that I got and hold my necklace and be like “Oh shit, oh shit, this is gonna suck”, and then I just start glowing a little bit and then it all goes into my weapon, and it sort of just shines a little bit more. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What have you done?

Jorja/Magnolia: I have given Divine Radiance to my weapon, so I deal an extra D4 of radiant damage on a hit.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Hmm, you’ll need that. 

Steven/Noah: Was that a threat?

Jorja/Magnolia: Fuck. Oh no. That is what I will do.

Rosie/Lucille: Very cool. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay, it is back to Noah.

Steven/Noah: Heck. I guess I'll try another crossbow, because I'm not getting close to that, thank you very much. 

*rolls dice*

Steven/Noah: Does a natural twenty hit?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You and Rosie both, I swear.

Jorja/Magnolia: To be fair, he rolled three twos before this. 

Steven/Noah: Yes, he did.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, it's a natural twenty.

Steven/Noah: Stunning. 

*rolls dice*

Steven/Noah: So, it's a seven. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Seven points of damage.

Steven/Noah: Yeah, five plus two, although how do I do…?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Ah, so five times two, so ten plus the two. 

Steven/Noah: Okay. So, twelve.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Lovely. So, yeah, so this shot collides this time. It’s gonna pierce one of its fins.

Steven/Noah: Stunning.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Stunning. It's not doing great.

Steven/Noah: Excellent.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I think in D&D terms it's called ‘bloodied’.

Steven/Noah: I don't know what that means, but it sounds good. As long as it's not on me.

Rosie/Lucille: I imagine it's got blood on it.

Steven/Noah: Ahhhh, and then I guess there's a bonus action. Beeyonce already has her task, so I don't know, what do I give Honey Boo Boo?

Jorja/Magnolia: A kiss.

Steven/Noah: *Mwah!* Daddy loves you. Alright, I'm gonna send Honey Boo into battle.

Jorja/Magnolia: Holy shit.

Steven/Noah: Actually, let me let me just see what she can do, hold on. I don't recall what she even has as a weapon. Oh, she's got Force Strike, she's got this, yeah! I'm gonna tell her to go and hit it. I'm like “Honey Boo Boo, get in there and help, girlfriend.”.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay.

Steven/Noah: Silently, she nods.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Does she need sound to do that ability? 

Steven/Noah: No. So then I guess Beeyonce continues to be a nuisance and get in the way and Honey Boo Boo is gonna try and attack.

*rolls dice* 

Steven/Noah: Twenty-three?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Twenty-three will hit, yes. 

Steven/Noah: Stunning. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Can you imagine if I said no?

Steven/Noah: Right? I’d be like, “What is this thing?” Um, so is it a D4? 

*rolls dice*

Jorja/Magnolia: Five whole damage! Get thopped.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What sort of attack is it?

Steven/Noah: It is…

Jorja/Magnolia: Probably just force. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay, so it’s like… 

Steven/Noah: It just says Force Strike. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yep. Okay, so she shoots a wave of energy towards her, in front of her. 

Steven/Noah: Yeah, it probably comes from the wing.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Hmm, I like that. Lucille, you're up.

Rosie/Lucille: Woo! I'm back, so Magnolia will still be there, right?

Jorja/Magnolia: Yes.

Rosie/Lucille: Lucille’s gonna kind of wake up and see this glowing thing in front of her, which is actually, you know, the thing, the sword, but to her, she sees this glowing thing in front of her and feels this godly presence, like she's just been brought back to life. Then, through the glow, she sees Magnolia's face and it's like, she grabs Magnolia's face and is like, “Thank you, my sweet child”, suddenly loving Magnolia, and then is just gonna get up and try to run away. She knows when she's been beaten.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, your move action is to run away?

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Lovely. You still have a main action and a bonus action, if you'd like?

Rosie/Lucille: No, no, Lucille's just kind of… she's done, she's done. She's nearly died, she needs to get back to her goats. She doesn't want to risk her life for whatever these people are, at the moment. She knows she has her goats to go back to.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Moving down the round to the anglerfish.

Jorja/Magnolia: Ruh-roh.

Steven/Noah: Woah-oh-oh. (in the Style of Beyonce’s ‘Single Ladies)

Jorja/Magnolia: Let's get in formation.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: How close is everyone?

Jorja/Magnolia: I'm right there. I was where Lucille was when she ran.

Steven/Noah: I did not move very close, but I am within shooting range, so I guess I'm within. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You wouldn't be within ten feet-

Steven/Noah: Twenty feet, and within twenty feet in order to shoot it, but both of my queens are quite close, but one is annoying. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Both the thopters and Magnolia, please make a wisdom saving throw.

Steven/Noah: That's alright. They're as smart as I am. 

*rolls dice*

Steven/Noah: Honey Boo Boo got a twenty-five, and Beeyonce got a twenty. Dirty twenty.

Jorja/Magnolia: I got sixteen. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You've all succeeded, you're fine.

Jorja/Magnolia: Oh, thank god.

Steven/Noah: Stunning.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It was sending out another pulse of energy, this time to attempt to mesmerise you. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Good luck.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, I think with its bonus action, It's gonna roll to shriek. It's just gonna shriek, which has a bit of the wind chimes mixed in with the shriek, as it's, I guess, teeth move around to make wind chime noises.

Steven/Noah: I really wish I hit it in the teeth.

Jorja/Magnolia: Cool.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Moving down the order to- no, back to the top, sorry. Oh sorry, Magnolia.

Jorja/Magnolia: Wow, okay. I see how it is.

*laughter*

Jorja/Magnolia: I hit it. Hopefully? I'm gonna take my morning star and be like, “Go away!” 

*rolls dice*

Jorja/Magnolia: Okay, so that is a twenty-five to hit. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That will hit.

Jorja/Magnolia: Sick. I do a d8 plus four.

*rolls dice*

Jorja/Magnolia: So, it's seven piercing damage, and then…

*rolls dice*

Jorja/Magnolia: Four radiant damage, and then I'm gonna use my last spell slot and put in a Divine Smite, so the glow that is on my morning star just sort of shrinks into it, and then explodes out again. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What?

Jorja/Magnolia: I'm gonna do an extra 2d8 radiant. 

*rolls dice*

Jorja/Magnolia: Eight radiant.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: How would you like to kill a fish? 

Steven/Noah: Oh my fucking god, he fucking dead.

Jorja/Magnolia: Oh my fucking god. So I'm just going to take my morning star. Having Lucille love me all of a sudden, I'm just like, ‘Okay, I could do this, I could do this for her’, and I’m just remembering when she just would whack things, like, she would with her goats. I do the same thing, and I just come down and hit it right on the head with the morning star, and it just explodes in radiant energy. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Holy shit. Yes, so Magnolia comes down on this anglerfish. The anglerfish starts to glow with the same energy that Magnolia put out, which again reminds us of the buffalo back from Episode One as it starts glowing hotter and hotter until it explodes into lovely little fish fleshy bits.

Jorja/Magnolia: Ugh.

Rosie/Lucille: Ew.

Steven/Noah: Delightful.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And on the ground at the moment now is just a little fish flopping out of water. 

Rosie/Lucille: Oh, a little magikarp.

Steven/Noah: Beeyonce and Honey Boo Boo fly directly back to me as if expecting orders, as their tasks have been carried out. They are machines of war.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Modok. Mechanical Organism Designed Only For Killing? Something like that. Rosie?

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah? 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Are you attempting to come back?

Rosie/Lucille: Do you mean like towards that area?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah. 

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah, yeah, ‘cause I was gonna… Lucille was gonna turn around and throw some throwing stars once she was a safe distance away, so I imagine she would have heard the whole attack and explosion thing and kind of stopped and turned around and watched.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You could have listened. I'm gonna say you couldn't watch because of the fog.

Rosie/Lucille: Oh, I forgot about the fog. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, but you didn't go too far away. If you went away around, I would have made it a bit difficult to meet up again. Now that the fight is over, I would love to reveal that it had a favoured enemy against Lucille because of the time that you bonked it last episode. So it had a plus two against you.

*laughter*

Rosie/Lucille: Oh, no. Oh, Lucille makes enemies. 

Steven/Noah: So no amount of Beeyonce irritation was gonna kill that?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It cancelled out. 

Steven/Noah: Stunning.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It had a plus two and that gave it a minus two.

Rosie/Lucille: Nice. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah. I will give you guys a moment just to recuperate after that fight and talk about whatever you'd like. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Guys, I have so much power. I think it's from Lucille, I don't know.

Steven/Noah: I was actually gonna say, why am I panting? I literally shot two bullets. That's all I did.

Jorja/Magnolia: It’s ‘cause you ran ten feet away, and you're like, ‘Holy crap’. 

Steven/Noah: Oh my God, my tiny legs and tiny lungs!

Rosie/Lucille: See, Lucille’s just kind of dazed. She's just can't figure out, she can't comprehend what just happened. She feels like she just died and was brought back to life, and she's, like… her whole perspective of life is starting to shift because she never thought… Magnolia looked like a god type of thing. She’s pretty dazed right now, just kind of standing there being like, “Woah!”. 

Jorja/Magnolia: I'm gonna pick some of the fish guts out of my fur. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, you all kind of smell like seafood now. 

All Players: Ew.

Jorja/Magnolia: Who has prestidigitation?

Rosie/Lucille: Clean me, please.

Steven/Noah: I do not.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I think Hymnbo did, but Hymnbo’s gone.

Jorja/Magnolia: Damn, oh yeah. 

Steven/Noah: Oh yeah, someone's missing!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, he's gone. 

Rosie/Lucille: Oh yeah. I don't think that Lucille would have noticed he was missing because she was running towards the angler fish at the time, so…

Jorja/Magnolia: Oh, is there anything left to maybe look at and be like, what happened? 

Steven/Noah: Do we have some clues?

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah, can we investigate?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh my god, you know what? Roll an investigation check.

Steven/Noah: We’ve rolled an investigation check?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah! Whoever wants to.

Jorja/Magnolia: All of us?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes.

Rosie/Lucille: I always want to.

*dice rolls*

Rosie/Lucille: I got a nine.

Jorja/Magnolia: Me too.

Rosie/Lucille: Aye!

Steven/Noah: I got a seventeen. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Just Noah will find a tuft of the crystals that hung around his outfit. Like a big bundle of those has been discarded in the mud.

Steven/Noah: Oh my god guys, look what I found! 

Jorja/Magnolia: Whoa.

Steven/Noah: He’s gone.

Jorja/Magnolia: I don't know what this means or what to do about it.

Steven/Noah: I was gonna say, I love how Noah was the one to find things because he's so apathetic. Like, ‘Oh no, these things’. 

Rosie/Lucille: Lucille's just gonna say, “Well some things just happen for a reason, I suppose”, and kind of look off a bit dreamily with this little smile on her face, and then kind of look at Magnolia and give her a little smile, and then shyly turn away. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What does, what does that mean Rosie? 

Rosie/Lucille: Guess you'll find out.

Jorja/Magnolia: Lucille actually has brain damage. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh, because she thinks she's a god now, yeah. 

Rosie/Lucille: Doesn't think she's a god! She's just associating that golden god-like feeling that she had from the sword stuff with Magnolia. She knows she's not God, but…

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It is a morning star slash spear, just to correct you on the sword.

Rosie/Lucille: Ah, yeah, that one, yeah. Well, Lucille doesn't know, so you know. Yeah, so she knows she's not god. She looks up to her in this way now. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Just god-adjacent.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You find it more and more difficult to examine this bundle of crystals, as, once again, the thick fog has rolled back in, making its way through again. So, you cannot see each other and you were standing right in front of each other.

Rosie/Lucille: Can I do my DruidCraft now and make a little, small campfire?

Steven/Noah: Can I try and light a rock? Let us beat this darkness!

Jorja/Magnolia: I'm gonna stand in there accepting it, like, eyes glazed over, like, okay! 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The campfire that Lucille makes with the little bundles of twigs around you seems to give off much better light than a rock that has glowed.

Steven/Noah: *mumbles mockingly*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What was that, Steven?

Steven/Noah: I didn't say anything. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Let’s record it, I'll listen to it later. So yes, you are left barely being able to see each other's faces under the glow of this campfire.

Steven/Noah: What if I glow two rocks? 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The same thing.

Jorja/Magnolia: I think… Because the fog went away before, maybe we wait for it to go away and then try to find the other fairies.

Steven/Noah: Can someone hold my hand?

Jorja/Magnolia: Yes.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You feel around for each other's hands.

Jorja/Magnolia: Desperately. I look for the rock.

Steven/Noah: I feel some fur.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Hopefully that's something friendly.

Steven/Noah: It’s not a fish, that's all I know. 

Rosie/Lucille: Okay, Lucille’s gonna say to them, “Alright, we need to have a game plan. If there's one of them, there could be more. I think we've lost someone. We can't go out looking for him, we’d risk our own lives. So everyone, what's the plan?” She’s ready.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Everybody takes notice as Lucille is making this game plan, as this flame in the distance starts to make its way closer towards you. 

Jorja/Magnolia: I stand in front of Lucille with my morning star out.

Steven/Noah: It’s like that classic moment where like a character steps on like a twig and the whole party just like-

Jorja/Magnolia: What is that?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The fog is really thick so you won't be able to make out any characters until you probably get very, very close. Unless anyone wants to make any noises?

Jorja/Magnolia: I'm going to use my action to cast Divine Sense so I can see anything affected by the Hallow spell or know the location of any Celestials, Fiend, Undead within 60 feet that is not behind total cover.

Steven/Noah: Does it work?

Rosie/Lucille: Lucille is the only one to pop off on that spell.

Steven/Noah: Okay. 

Jorja/Magnolia: That's okay. 

Steven/Noah: Okay, well, it's not a demon.

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah, it's not a demon or a fish thing, I don't think.

Steven/Noah: I feel like we're gonna be so jumpy.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Everyone sees there's a little fire get like a bigger fire beneath it. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Could the fairies do that? I know that they had little fire, but do they have big fire?

Steven/Noah: Yeah, maybe. Hello?

Jorja/Magnolia: Parav? River?

Rosie/Lucille: Lucille’s like, “Guys, stop yelling! We don't know what this is yet”, and she's gonna draw out her walking stick and start kind of like jabbing it into the fog, then she's gonna yell, “Whoever you are, make yourself known or keep walking quietly!”

Olive/Timmit: Do you want… I'm confused, do you want me to say ‘Hello’, or do you want me to keep going that way? I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt you, I'm just, I'm a little lost.

Rosie/Lucille: What was that? I need you to speak up, youngin!

Olive/Timmit: Excuse you, ma’am, that's not very polite! 

Jorja/Magnolia: Oh, you shouldn't have done that, you shouldn't have done that! I'm gonna grab Lucille before she runs at it.

Rosie/Lucille: Lucille's angry but she's felt Magnolia. She's like, “Okay, okay, I'll stop”. She slams her walking sticking into the ground, holding herself up on her in anger.

Jorja/Magnolia: Okay, everybody. Calm down. 

Steven/Noah: Can I send one of my thopters in to have a look? Is Beeyonce… she's still got a little shield on?

Jorja/Magnolia: I think it's only a minute. 

Steven/Noah: Oh it lasts… oh actually, it doesn't last very long. it's only like a minute, yeah. Oof. Honey Boo Boo - she's disposable. Honey Boo Boo, can you fly in there and check it out, see if this guy's safe?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master:  I don't think you’re supposed to play favourites with your children.

Jorja/Magnolia: Well, one should roll better.

Steven/Noah: Exactly.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: This little flying doodad, it starts swirling around you, looking at you.

Steven/Noah: It’s just kind of, like, pauses and looks at you. 

Olive/Timmit: It’s a bee, um, um no, don't come, stay there okay, it's alright. We're cool, we're cool, bee, we're cool.

Steven/Noah: Okay, okay Honey Boo Boo, come back. I think he's afraid.

Jorja/Magnolia: Oh, perfect.

Steven/Noah: I don't think he means any harm. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Okay, are you gonna hurt us?

Olive/Timmit: No?

Jorja/Magnolia: Because if you even think about it, we have more bees.

Steven/Noah: So many bees.

Olive/Timmit: Okay, okay, no, no, no, it's chill, it's fine, no, no bees are needed. I'm cool, I'm collected, I'm calm, I'm breezy!

Steven/Noah: Noah squeezes your hand because he understands. He's like, “Oh, she's smart.” I got the plan.

Jorja/Magnolia: Smartest thing Magnolia's ever done. “Okay, you can approach.”

Steven/Noah: Slowly.

Olive/Timmit: I'll go to take a step and then I'll stop, and then I'll very cautiously just make my way towards them, still holding the flame just right underneath my face and against my chest, and just look up as I come up to them and, “What the hell are you?”. 

Jorja/Magnolia: That's a great question. I don't know.

Olive/Timmit: Uh, hi. I’m Timmit.

Rosie/Lucille: Timmit?

Olive/Timmit: Timmit. 

Rosie/Lucille: Timid?

Olive/Timmit: No, no, Timm-It, with a ‘T’. It sounds like Tim. It's a long story, but you can just call me Tim, or Timothy. Timothy is my actual name. I should have started with Timothy. I'm sorry, I'm just, I'm a little…

Rosie/Lucille: Timmit. You certainly are little.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What are we looking at here, by the way? 

Olive/Timmit: So you see a roughly four foot tall Fire Genasi, with a very well, maybe slightly-too-big for him three-piece suit with a half uncocked tie and short but floating, wavy hair that just alight with this gentle red sparkle, and towards base is more of a charcoaly kind of texture, and he just looks battered, like he's slept it rough. He's got dirt all up across his face and all over his suit and he's got scratches all over him and he just looks very worse for wear, and he's almost shaking. even though he looks like he's on fire.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Do you still have the big fire, the Produce Flame?

Olive/Timmit: I do, yeah. So the Produce Flame is just sitting right up against his chest right underneath, so you can just get a full glimpse of his face as he looks up.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Just a quick aside, who are we talking to? Hi, new person!

Olive/Timmit: Oh, hello there! My name is Olive, and yeah, I don't know what else to say.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: No, that's it. Olive has been my editing assistant, helping me edit and now they're helping me be in the game!

Olive/Timmit: Hell yeah.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And continue with the scene.

Jorja/Magnolia: Reset, reset.

Olive/Timmit: I don't mean to presume… Do you know where we are?

Jorja/Magnolia: Hmm, yes and no.

Steven/Noah: Noah's gonna get his notebook out and have a look, like “We're in Neptis.”.

Olive/Timmit: Neptoo?

Steven/Noah: No, no, Neptus.

Olive/Timmit: Nept-us?

Steven/Noah: Yeah. 

Olive/Timmit: Huh. Well, see, I was in… uh, but I… where is that? Are we… Because I was at work, and then I, and then, I woke up but I didn't go to sleep, and I, um… 

Steven/Noah: You're at work?

Olive/Timmit: I was.

Steven/Noah: Are you from Melbourne?

Olive/Timmit: Yeah, yes.

Steven/Noah: Thank god, we found another one! How did you get here? Where did you come from? 

Rosie/Lucille: Cotton Eye Joe!

Olive/Timmit: Another one, what do you… there's more?

Steven/Noah: Well, I mean, there was more.

Olive/Timmit: More of what, where? This is a dream, right? 

Steven/Noah: Okay, so we're all human, but then we came to this world and now we're not.

Olive/Timmit: This one, too?

Steven/Noah: She was.

Jorja/Magnolia: Yes. 

Olive/Timmit: Oh, you’re a…

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah, I have to ask, have you seen yourself?

Olive/Timmit: Me? 

Jorja/Magnolia: Yes.

Olive/Timmit: Well, I can see my hands and they're not what they usually are, and the world is a lot bigger. I thought that might have just been, I don't know, but…

Jorja/Magnolia: How tall were you before?

Olive/Timmit: Excuse me, I have so many questions, what are you?

Rosie/Lucille: Me? 

Olive/Timmit: Yes. 

Rosie/Lucille: Well, a fairy, obviously. I've got wings.

Olive/Timmit: You do, yeah, yeah that's not normal. People don't have wings.

Rosie/Lucille: Nope. That's the new normal now. You have to get used to it.

Olive/Timmit: Fairies don't exist, is what I'm trying to imply, not to offend you, please, no, don't-

Rosie/Lucille: I'm telling you, forget literally every single thing you think you know about the world, young chap.

Olive/Timmit: But I just started the world, what are you talking about? 

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah, honey, you got a big storm coming.

Olive/Timmit: Oh my god, okay. 

Jorja/Magnolia: So we experienced the same thing you probably did, where we were in Melbourne and humans and fine and didn't even know each other, and fell through a portal and ended up here. Well, not here. We were somewhere else first, and then moved with a city that's full of fairies to here, and we're trying to find our way back home.

Rosie/Lucille: We met the King!

Steven/Noah: I love that that's what she chooses to focus on, yeah.

Jorja/Magnolia: Oh, the King.

Steven/Noah: Yes, and we met royalty.

Olive/Timmit: So, not only is there - let me catch up - there's a city of fairies, but there's also the king fairy?

Rosie/Lucille: He’s quite a looker.

Olive/Timmit: Is there any chance that you could just tell me which way to go so that I can get back to work?

Rosie/Lucille: Up your bum hole!

*laughter*

Steven/Noah: Get ‘em, girl.

Rosie/Lucille: Lucille has a good laugh to herself at this. 

Steven/Noah: “Yeah, so the way home is to follow us, and we're going to collect four Essences and give it back to the fairies, and then they'll magic us home.” Noah just says this matter-of-factly, steady-like voice as if it's, like, everyone should just know that.

Jorja/Magnolia: I’ll just nod along like, ‘Yep.”

Steven/Noah: Yep. 

Olive/Timmit: Timmit just dead pans all three of you. “Ah no no no no no, see, I can't, yeah, okay, that's a problem because it's my first day today, and if I'm late then that's gonna ruin my entire career, so…”

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah, but if you think about it like this, it doesn't matter anymore. You're in a different world and we've, well Lucille, just collapsed and almost died. I died - almost died - the other day, so there's bigger things to worry about.

Steven/Noah: And I made some thopters.

Rosie/Lucille: Careers don't exist.

Jorja/Magnolia: They do, we just don't have one here.

Olive/Timmit: Okay, okay, just give me a second while my reality sets in because this isn't a dream anymore, and the last six years of my life were a massive waste of time and money, so…

Steven/Noah: Does someone with social skills know how to, like, comfort this guy? Because…

Jorja/Magnolia: Uh, no.

Steven/Noah: Lucille, you're up!

Rosie/Lucille: Oh, I got social skills. Do you wanna know about my goats?

Steven/Noah: Oh my God, please give a pep talk about comparing him to a goat.

Olive/Timmit: I would really, really rather not think about goats right now, please, thank you. 

Jorja/Magnolia: They’re cool goats!

Rosie/Lucille: So, young whippersnapper, when I introduce a goat to the field-

Olive/Timmit: No.

Rosie/Lucille: -because I have one hundred and twenty-three goats, 

Olive/Timmit: *wretches*

Rosie/Lucille: I only ever have one hundred and twenty three. When one dies, I put it into the pit near the river, and I get another. 

Olive/Timmit: Please, stop.

Rosie/Lucille: I introduce it to the fields, and at first, it's quite scared, but then I introduce it to the other little goats and I speak to them, and we slowly make them friends and it just has to forget its previous life and get used to this one; it doesn't really have a choice. Then another one dies and I put it in the pit then a new one comes along. Look, you're just a new goat in the current scheme of things. It's not that important, just a goat. Yeah, yeah, there you go.

Olive/Timmit: Timmit throws up, just bile ejects.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Lucille? 

Rosie/Lucille: Yes.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Does there have to be a steady number of one hundred and twenty three? Like, if one dies, you have to bring the number back up to one hundred and twenty three? 

Rosie/Lucille: Yes, precisely.

*laughter*

Jorja/Magnolia: This is where we find out Lucille has OCD and she needs it to be one two three. And like, you can’t have one hundred and twenty four. If one gets pregnant-

Olive/Timmit: Do you buy the new goats? Is it, like, a goat breeding farm, like, what, how does the deal with this? Do you just time it perfectly so that there's a new baby goat, and then…

Rosie/Lucille: Well, I have a goat dealer, and he’s always got one ready to go.

*laughter*

Olive/Timmit: The only thing I can think of that would be worse than being a goat farmer is a goat dealer.

Jorja/Magnolia: Of course there’s a goat dealer!

Rosie/Lucille: Oh yeah! They work out of a van. I’ve got a whole paddock. 

*laughter*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Why do they… how many goats are in the van? You can't fit that many goats in a van.

Rosie/Lucille: Well, I don't ask questions. I just get my goat and go. All I know is it's healthy, it's a good goat.

Olive/Timmit: It mustn't be that healthy if you happen to get new ones every…

Jorja/Magnolia: That’s just when one dies of natural causes. 

Rosie/Lucille: Look, things happen, you know.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: In the middle of this pep talk about goats, the thick fog has cleared once again, and you're pretty sure that building wasn't there before. That was… it's sort of, it's in ruins, it's like an agora, so it's kind of like a… think about when you think of ancient Greek buildings and you think of the pillars with the… that's like the building. It’s just full of pillars.

Steven/Noah: Like the Pantheon.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, like a Pantheon situation. It’s an agora, so there's a little antechamber building, and then looks to be something happening on behind that. 

Olive/Timmit: Um, did one of you just do that?

Jorja/Magnolia: You think we can make a building? We almost died to a fish.

Steven/Noah: Yeah, we can't do that.

Olive/Timmit: Well, I saw there was a big light-spark before, and I don't know…

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah, I’m basically god-adjacent, but I can't make a building.

Steven/Noah: Yeah, that was pretty sick.

Olive/Timmit: I'm sorry, god-adjacent?

Jorja/Magnolia: “We’ll talk about it later.” She starts flexing. “But no, we did not do that. That is new.”

Olive/Timmit: So, what you're trying to tell me is that to get out of here, I have to follow you three strangers to wherever you're going to get four things for a kingdom of fairies.

Steven/Noah: Yep.

Jorja/Magnolia: Mhm.

Olive/Timmit: Cool, fuck it.

Jorja/Magnolia: I like your attitude. You're gonna fit in real well.

Olive/Timmit: I don't know where else I'm gonna go. Also, I don't really want to sleep in the dirt again tonight.

Jorja/Magnolia: Well, I mean, if you don't want to sleep in the dirt, we could maybe look at the building, because otherwise it's dirt.

Steven/Noah: Yeah. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Or swamp.

Olive/Timmit: Building it is!

Rosie/Lucille: Lucille isn't thrilled about this addition to the team, but she's gonna keep quiet, yeah.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Are we heading inside?

Steven/Noah: Yeah. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Can we like-

Steven/Noah: Can we send a thopter in?

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah, can we look at it first, and see if there’s any movement? 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Roll a perception.

Rosie/Lucille: Like, everyone?

Olive/Timmit: Could I perchance make a history check to see if it looks familiar to any artefacts that Timothy might have seen before. agolas, sorry, uh…

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Agora. 

Olive/Timmit: Agoras.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Agora, yeah, yeah agora. Yeah, roll it.

*rolls dice*

Rosie/Lucille: I got nine.

Jorja/Magnolia: Seventeen.

Olive/Timmit: I got sixteen for history.

Steven/Noah: Fourteen. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Did you roll for your thops?

Steven/Noah: Uh, eight and fourteen.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Resolving the history check first, it does. I don't know… is he a worldly guy?

Olive/Timmit: Oh yeah, he's gone on many trips around the world. He goes on, you know, he goes on ski trips and he's been to Rome and he's done the Europe thing. He went backpacking for a little bit. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: This does kind of remind you a little bit of any Greek architecture, if you ever went to Greece? A lot of the ancient Greek tourist sites, strangely familiar. Doing the perception checks, say above a ten, you just get the general vibe of the place, so the pillars are, like… there's some pillars that are completely fallen over. Everything's covered in vines; you can see the occasional aetherbloom growing around. We'll catch Timmit up on aetherbloom at some point. Inside, there seems to be no light source, so it seems a bit shadowy inside. For anyone above the fifteen, will notice there's no movement inside, no movement at all. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Okay, should maybe be careful?

Olive/Timmit: As opposed to not being careful?

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah, they’re the two options usually… 

Steven/Noah: What about this aren't you getting?

Olive/Timmit: It's just the distinction of the words that you… okay, sorry, I'm just, okay.

Jorja/Magnolia: Don't come in here and question authority immediately.

Steven/Noah: Do you know who I am?

Jorja/Magnolia: I am god!

Steven/Noah: I'm a rabbit, bitch!

Olive/Timmit: I'll also Produce Flame and just keep it close to me.

Steven/Noah: I'm waiting for the hubris to hit, yeah.

Jorja/Magnolia: I'm gonna get decked and it's gonna be bad.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay, coming inside into the empty chamber?

Steven/Noah: I'm definitely gonna have a lit rock in each hand.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Making our way through some of these pillars into the chamber. It's pretty cosy, pretty cosy. It's like if the entire apartment, a small apartment, was just laid flat with no walls, it would be about the size of that. Just one open room, just like that. There seemed to be some little sort of ceremonial urns around, as well as, just some debris around, one of the urns has been broken, there's a bit of broken ceramics around, there's a lot of dirt, there's little spider-like creatures and the like sort of rustling around. 

Olive/Timmit: Sorry, did you say spiders? 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Very small spiders, yeah.

Olive/Timmit: Okay.

Jorja/Magnolia: You good, Tim?

Olive/Timmit: Yep, fine, good, yep, over here, we’re g. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Mhm. You seem to not like animals.

Olive/Timmit: No, they’re great… if they stay away and they're behind seven feet of glass. It's good. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Seven feet thick or seven feet high?

Olive/Timmit: Both. Both are good.

Steven/Noah: My guy, you're holding fire. You're okay.

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah, literally, you can just go touch the spider with the fire.

Olive/Timmit: Absolutely not.

Jorja/Magnolia: Okay, I’ll just go squish it.

Steven/Noah: We’ll work it out. We’ll work you up to that.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Would you like to roll me an investigation? Anyone who would like to?

Olive/Timmit: Oh yes, please. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah, I'm opening all the little jars.

Rosie/Lucille: Sure.

*rolls dice*

Steven/Noah: I got a one

Rosie/Lucille: I got fifteen. 

Steven/Noah: Beeyonce got eleven. 

Jorja/Magnolia: I got a six. 

Steven/Noah: And Honey Boo Boo got eleven. 

Olive/Timmit: Twenty-four.

Jorja/Magnolia: Damn, we got an INT character.

Steven/Noah: Oh, I am an INT character, but I rolled a one. 

*laughter*

Jorja/Magnolia: Two INT characters.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Lucille. Just tucked away in a corner. She’s gonna find a little statuette, like a little wooden carving. It’s gonna be in the shape of a cradle, like a little baby's cradle.

Rosie/Lucille: Ah. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And Timmit, you're gonna find two others. In one of the urns, one to sort of discarded to the side, there's gonna be another two statuettes made out of wood, as well. It's gonna be one - looks to be sort of like a soldier with his wife, and one that looks to be a gravestone.

Olive/Timmit: Does the one with the soldier and the wife also fit the Greek aesthetic of the agora?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes! Yeah, it does. They have wings, though.

Olive/Timmit: Okay, okay. What was the second one again?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: A gravestone.

Jorja/Magnolia: The soldier and the wife have wings?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah.

Jorja/Magnolia: Mmm. 

Olive/Timmit: Is there any writing on the one with the gravestone?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What languages do you know?

Olive/Timmit: Okay, so I have common and I have Sylvan. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You can read it.

Olive/Timmit: Okay.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It is going to say ‘Here lies Gem’, so you can read that. So whether you want to show everyone is up to you.

Olive/Timmit: Yeah, I'll show the soldier and the wife with wings and the gravestone one to the others and just kind of, “I don't really know what these are, but you can look.”.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: This is a good time to ask everyone else what languages they know.

Steven/Noah: Noah's fixated on a stick. He's like, “I found a stick!”.

*laughter* 

Steven/Noah: I rolled a one.

*more laughter* 

Steven/Noah: What do you want from me?

Jorja/Magnolia: What is this puzzle?

Olive/Timmit: I found the big bad. 

Steven/Noah: I'll work it out, shush.

Jorja/Magnolia: Oh, I know common Elvish and Sylvan. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You can read it too, Magnolia.

Steven/Noah: I have common Gnomish and Elvish.

Rosie/Lucille: Can I read it?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What do you know Rosie?

Rosie/Lucille: Um, Celestial, Common, and thieves’ cant.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You cannot read it, neither can you, but you don't seem to like you're trying to read it, anyway.

Rosie/Lucille: Oh no. I want to go over and pick up the little cradle that I found. I'm just gonna pick it up and stroke it and admire the handiwork of the carving.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s a pretty good carving.

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah, nice.

Olive/Timmit: Could I, with the soldier and and the wife, just roll it over, and I just want to see if there's anything kind of, any other additional markings to it anywhere.

Steven/Noah: I thought you were gonna say, ‘Can I roll it over and make them kiss?’.

*laughter*

Rosie/Lucille: And now kiss.

Olive/Timmit: Important business first, and then kiss.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: They can't kiss because they're on the same base, so they can't turn or anything.

Jorja/Magnolia: Do we see the one that Lucille has, or is she just on her own?

Rosie/Lucille: I'm just kind of in the corner, stroking it. I'm not hiding it, I just haven't really realised it's something that people would want to know about.

Olive/Timmit: Um, excuse me, ma'am?

Rosie/Lucille: Me? 

Olive/Timmit: Yes, sorry. I don't actually think I got your name before.

Rosie/Lucille: Lucille.

Olive/Timmit: Lucille! Hi, um…

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah, I'm the goat farmer, remember?

Olive/Timmit: Yes, I do remember. Yeah, you said you had a hundred and thirty-two goats?

Rosie/Lucille: One hundred and twenty-three. Please remember.

Olive/Timmit: Wow, that's… okay. I'll make a note of that. Um, that-

Rosie/Lucille: Thank you 

Olive/Timmit: Yep, that's definitely not a problem at all.

Rosie/Lucille: Thank you very much.

Olive/Timmit: I'm more than happy to accommodate. I was just wondering, what you got there?

Rosie/Lucille: Why? Do you want it?

Olive/Timmit: If you'd like to share, I wouldn't mind.

Rosie/Lucille: Oh well, don't need to pander to me, young chap. You can have it, if you want, it's just a wooden cradle. I just kind of pass it over to him. I no longer care about it now.

Olive/Timmit: I'll take it and have a look at it.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It has no extra markings on it or anything, but there's a cradle.

Steven/Noah: Noah's just gonna look up from his stick now, realising it's just a stick, and he's just gonna slide into the conversation and say nothing.

Olive/Timmit: That's my move.

Jorja/Magnolia: Do we think this tells a story, or should we maybe go?

Olive/Timmit: Well, what have we got here? We've got a soldier and a wife, a cradle and a gravestone.

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah, but the soldier and the wife have wings, so they might have died a bit, and then there was an orphan…

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Each of you is gonna feel like a little - without sounding weird - so you feel a slimy appendage run along your back quickly.

Olive/Timmit: I'm begging your pardon, but how does that not sound weird?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That's what it feels like, like if someone had a slimy hand and they were just running it down your back.

Rosie/Lucille: Ew! 

Steven/Noah: That's not good.

Jorja/Magnolia: I reactively Divine Sense. As soon as I get touched, my eyes just light up, I'm like, “What was that?”.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Remind me of the creature

Jorja/Magnolia: Okay, so it is anything affected by the Hallow spell, Celestial, Fiend, Undead?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Once again, just Rosie popping off there.

Rosie/Lucille: What about me?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Just you're the only Celestial that Jorja can detect.

Rosie/Lucille: Oh, oh yes that's me. Celestial. 

Olive/Timmit: I was gonna say, we might like try and swing around and have a look at this thing.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You can’t see anything.

Jorja/Magnolia: Did everyone get touched or…

Steven/Noah: Yeah no, I definitely felt that.

Rosie/Lucille: Well, you talking about that weird slimy thing? Yeah, yeah I got that.

Jorja/Magnolia: Okay, should we go? 

Olive/Timmit: Can I roll a perception check? 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You can. 

*rolls dice*

Olive/Timmit: Fourteen. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You cannot see it.

Steven/Noah: So, like, feeling your hand around to touch it, you can't feel anything?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You can feel the slime trails I left behind.

Jorja/Magnolia: I look up.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That’s smart, I like that. No, there's nothing there either.

Jorja/Magnolia: I don't like that.

Steven/Noah: I think we should leave.

Jorja/Magnolia: Of our own accord.

Steven/Noah: Yes.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I think I mentioned but just a bit clear, there is another door onto the back part, behind the agora as well.

Olive/Timmit: Timmit’s already ten feet towards that door, just backing out as quickly as you can. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Going out not the door you came in?

Jorja/Magnolia: That seems like a bad idea.

Steven/Noah: We should go out to the same door?

Olive/Timmit: He just sees the closest exit and he goes, yeah, okay.

Jorja/Magnolia: I don’t think he knows we’re out of spells.

*laughter*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, is anyone following Timmit? 

Rosie/Lucille: Is he going through the other door? 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah.

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah, I'll probably follow.

Jorja/Magnolia: Fuck. I'm gonna follow Lucille because I'm pretty sure she’s still down a lot of health..

Steven/Noah: Three out of four have made a decision, so I'm gonna follow the crowd.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Three out of six.

Steven/Noah: They only do what I tell them to do.

*laughter*

Jorja/Magnolia: They are me.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Alright, what you come to is a sort of courtyard situation. So, there's some circular courtyards. I mean, there are eight pillars that are placed in almost clock face positions around the courtyard around the outer face. So, there’d be one at twelve, one at twelve- sorry, one at twelve, one at one thirty, one at three. It’s divided into eight sections, basically.

Steven/Noah: Not that I would know which religion it was, but could I do a religion check. Like, does it feel religious or culty.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Sure.

*rolls dice*

Steven/Noah: Uh, dirty twenty.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It… not necessarily religious. I will say that it will go along with the Greek theme and it does remind you of the Greek amphitheatre, in a way. It's not religious, but it's cultural.

Steven/Noah: Not in a worshipy way?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: No.

Steven/Noah: Okay.

Olive/Timmit: Can I check the floor for any markings, insignia, anything like that?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Hmm, on the ground in the centre, very obvious, there's a big engraving that's… it's sort of like sun and moon swirling together, so it's the… sort of between the three o'clock position and the nine o'clock positions, roughly Sun, but then, at its borders, it sort of morphed into the moon.

Rosie/Lucille: Is this an open space or is there a ceiling?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s an open space, it's outdoors. 

Rosie/Lucille: Okay, well Lucille isn't really trusting that we're safe here, so I want to fly up into the air and like have a look at it like a bird's eye view to make sure we're not being ambushed or something.

Jorja/Magnolia: I'm going to stand directly underneath her for when she gets snipered out of the sky.

*laughter*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: How does -this is gonna give it away immediately- how does grapple work?

*laughter*

Jorja/Magnolia: I think it's contested strength, or it's, like, their strength versus whoever's about to get grappled can choose acrobatics or athletics.

Steven/Noah: Guys, this is why we have thopters.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Lovely, roll an athletics or acrobatics, whichever you choose, Rosie.

Rosie/Lucille: Acrobatics it is!

*rolls dice*

Rosie/Lucille: Hey, it's a nat twenty, plus four, is a twenty-four. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Oh. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You feel this slimy appendage again try run down - use my words, carefully Tyrone - you feel this slimy hand sort of thing sort of try and grab your feet, but you quickly fly away. 

Rosie/Lucille: Well, if I looked down, will I see what it is?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay, it'll roll me a perception with advantage.

Rosie/Lucille: That means I roll twice, right?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, take the higher one.

*rolls dice*

Rosie/Lucille: I'll take the nineteen. Plus… umm twenty-three. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, you know what? This thing's invisibility comes down as you see a giant octopus.

Rosie/Lucille: Ooh! 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It is a large creature, so it is…

Steven/Noah: Do they have domesticated octopus?

Olive/Timmit: Fun fact, he actually had a pet! No. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Octopus are okay, everything else sucks.

Olive/Timmit: This would absolutely be a question: do we also see this, or is this just-

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You guys don't see it, yet. Just Rosie.

Rosie/Lucille: Lucille, while she's flying up and looking down at it is gonna yell out, “Oh good lord in heaven we've got another, ready yourselves!”, and brings out her trusty walking stick again.

Theme Song: *rock music plays*

Finding home in the belly of the beast, to make it home we can’t accept defeat, so roll the dice and come along with me, finding home in the belly of the beast

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Thank you so much for listening to Portal Quandary. Portal Quandary is made possible by the following people: Myself, Tyrone Cross as Dungeon Master, Community Manager, and Editor, Steven Edwards as Noah, Olive Jerome as Timothy and the editing assistant, Rosemary Ochtman as Lucille, and Jorja Odd as Magnolia. Elias Moffat is our content producer and narrative consultant, and Amelia Nemet is our transcriber. The theme song is Belly of the Beast by Lily Harnath and Henry Lucas, and if you need to contact us you can do so at portalquandary@gmail.com. This podcast was recorded on the lands of the Wurundjeri people, and produced on the lands of the Awabakal, Bunerong, and Wurundjeri people. Portal Quandary acknowledges and pays respect to our traditional custodians and to their past, present and emerging leaders. 

Theme Song: *rock music continues* 

Finding home in the belly of the beast, (in the belly of the beast), to make it home we can’t accept defeat, (there’s no turning back) so roll the dice and come along with me, (come along with me, let’s go), finding home in the belly of the beast.

Jorja/Magnolia: Ah! I love how she goes British when she’s under attack. We see it.

Steven/Noah: Even Beeyonce sees it. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Even Honey Boo Boo and she's the worst.

Steven/Noah: She's the worst.

Rosie/Lucille: I'm just trying to figure out what a d8 is.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s two pyramids arse-to-arse.

Jorja/Magnolia: Ass-to-ass.