Episode 6: The Essence of Water

Newly armed with the essence, the party returns to Lambence to regroup. Magnolia has a strange experience that sheds new light on the portal quandary so far, and Timmit struggles to find his place on the team. 

Content warnings for this week’s episode include coarse language, suggestive language, and references to alcohol.

Find us on Instagram

Follow us on TikTok

Like us on Facebook

Follow us on Threads

Dungeon Master, Community Manager, and Editing is Tyrone Cross      

Noah is Steven Edwards

Timothy and Editing Assistant is Olive Jerome

Lucille is Rosemary Ochtman

Magnolia is Jorja Odd

Elias Moffat is our Content Producer and Narrative Consultant

Jemma Law is our Transcriber

Theme song is “Belly of The Beast” by Lily Harnath and Henry Lucas (@lilyharnath & @henrylucas5)

Email us at portalquandary@gmail.com 

Sound effects used in this episode include:

Dark Teleport - oldestmillenial 

Calm3 - levelclearer

Dawn9000022uya4 - levelclearer

Beating Wings - juskiddink

This podcast was recorded on the lands of the Wurundjeri people and produced on the lands of the Awabakal. Bunerong, and Wurundjeri people. Portal Quandary acknowledges and pays respect to our traditional custodians and to their past and present leaders. 

The story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased) is intended or should be inferred.

Transcript

Olive/Timmit: Portal Quandary has some content warnings. You can find them in the episode description.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: In the centre of the circle, where it was, is a little marble about yay-big.

Jorja/Magnolia: Yoink! Can I grab it?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It is very beautiful. It has the sort of colour of sunlight coming through the ocean.

Jorja/Magnolia: Does it feel magical [Echoes]

[Music] 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Magnolia Prince has had way too many mojitos to be dealing with this. Although she suspects the bartender was sketchy and she's pretty sure not all of her drinks were actual real mojitos. But that's beside the point right now because she saw a planet that might have been Saturn but not….. and another planet that might have been Mars but probably wasn't, and she keeps falling through something, and she's almost completely certain this is actually happening and somebody didn't spike her drink. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Please don't puke again. Please don't puke again. For the love of god don’t puke again! Oh god what is happening right now?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The red, barren planet disappears behind the swirl of purple and Magnolia is surrounded by it, weightless and unable to find her footing. She isn't quite falling. Almost like the force of wind around her keeps her aloft, but only just. Her vision is foggy, head spinning but she spies a silhouette faintly through the haze of purple.

Jorja/Magnolia: Hello? Hey! 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: She tries to squint through the gale for any sign of familiarity, of something to indicate the person heard her. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Is that a lady? She's dressed real funky. Is she blue? That can't be healthy. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Magnolia tries to shout but the wind snatches away the sound as soon as it leaves her lips. The lady is struggling like her. Navy cloak rippling in the frenzy, unsteady and flailing. She's facing the other way. Magnolia stretches out of hand. 

Jorja/Magnolia: What the shit?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The normally smooth skin of her bare arm and hand are covered in a thick layer of brown hair. She looks down and in panic to examine fur covered shins. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Holy shit I'm a furry. What happened to my feet? Why are they so huge?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: She reaches up and -

Jorja/Magnolia:  Oh my god. I have rabbit ears. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master:  Magnolia begins to rethink her position on her drink being spiked. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Wait, shit, the lady. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master:  But she is alone in the swirling lavender Gale once again. The wind picks up around her, buffeting her from all sides and the weightlessness she's felt up to now fades. She's plummeting now. Black spots appear across her vision, crowding out the purple. Magnolia sends out one last plea to the universe. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Please let me wake up on Stacy's couch hungover as fuck right now.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master:  The faint sound of a horn is her only response and then the black takes over entirely.

[Horn]

[Music]

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You will see something far off in the distance like, like a day's hike still. Kind of looks like there's a skyscraper over there in yay-off?

Theme Song: *rock music plays*

Finding home in the belly of the beast, to make it home we can’t accept defeat, so roll the dice and come along with me, finding home in the belly of the beast

Tyrone/Dungeon Master:  Okay we are back in Melbourne, on that fateful day. A lovely Saturday afternoon. Top of twenty-eight degrees I think it was. It is a lovely late Spring, and we are in the apartment of one… Timothy- Timothy who? What's Timothy's last name?

Olive/Timmit: Timothy Gulbert. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Ghoulbert? Like Gilbert but it's a ‘Who-ull’?

Olive/Timmit:  Gulbert, but it's a ‘U’. So g-u-l-b-e-r-t. Gilbert.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master:  We find ourselves in a relatively shoebox-sized apartment of the Timothy Gulbert, getting ready for work on his first day at a law firm. What's the morning routine for you Timothy on your first day of work?

Olive/Timmit:  First things first, you get up nice and early. Go for your morning workout. A little jog, and then you get back and it's about six a.m at that point. Get yourself some good old brekkie in your tum tum. You know, you’ve got your cereal and then a bit of toast and you get your after workout shake going, and I know all these things yes of course all the…

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: This is definitely your personal lifestyle yes

Olive/Timmit: Oh of course, absolutely 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Moving on, I suppose you've probably laid out your outfit on your bed ready before your morning workout. You've laid it out nicely with your business suit. 

Olive/Timmit:  Uh no, Timothy would never lay any sort of suit or clothes out on a bed. He'd have it pristinely dry cleaned, hanging on a coat with a bag over the top of it to make sure that no dust collects on it. He's had this suit clean and ready to go for about a week now, and so he will step into the shower and get himself all groomed and nice and neat and ready to go. He'll clean shave and make sure his hair is fine, and then he will step out and make sure he's fully dry before putting on his shower robe, and then going to get his lovely, pristine lawyer's suit. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And of course, it goes without a doubt that you went and got a haircut yesterday for your first job, I’m imagining.

Olive/Timmit: He's had two haircuts in the last week. So he went and got one when he found out that he was confirmed that he'd be working there, and then he went and got a trim yesterday. Yes indeed.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And the pressing question on everyone's mind: what colour tie does a man wear with his suit? Because that is the only accessorization that you can possibly have with a suit. 

Olive/Timmit:  Timothy has decided to go with something a little bold - not a bright red, but a crimson red - something a bit dark, something a bit that stands out against the not charcoal but darker almost black suit that he has, yes.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That's gonna go well for him. He's got- he's ready for today. Nothing could ever go wrong. No, definitely not. We don't have dramatic irony on this situation at all. 

Olive/Timmit:  Absolutely not, no. I mean he has done the work. He's done his research. He is ready. He's prepped himself for almost half of his life for this job, and you know he's making sure that if anything does go wrong it is not on his watch.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: How are we getting to work today Timothy? 

Olive/Timmit:  Classic Uber, pre-booked, and he obviously has that Platinum Uber membership with insurance, so nothing can go wrong. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You get a little buzz buzz on your phone that your Uber has arrived. 

Olive/Timmit:  Okay here we go. You got this Timmy! You got this. 

Tyrone/Uber Driver: How's it going bud? Where we heading to today?

Olive/Timmit:  Uh hi, good morning. Yes, I'm just on my way to work actually. 

Tyrone/Uber Driver: It's uh Timothy? Is that-  like checking the names right? 

Olive/Timmit:  Yes, yes, that's correct. 

Tyrone/Uber Driver: And we're heading to… What's that say? Miller and Sons Law Firm?

Olive/Timmit:  Correct. Yes, thank you very much .

Tyrone/Uber Driver: On the way to the first job ay? You had a job beforehand? Worked at Macca's or anything like that?

Olive/Timmit:  Oh you know, I've done a couple of different jobs here and there, and I'm not the most easy person to work with. I suppose I've got quite a… I don't know, they usually chalk it up to ambition, but I just like to make sure that everything is done, but people don't see it that way. So, I'm excited to get into a job where my ambition will be rewarded 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Look all you need to do you need to walk up to the biggest fucker there. You walk up to him, and you give him the firmest handshake you've ever seen. Look him dead in the eyes and don't let go. You make him let go, or her. Whoever is in charge. 

Olive/Timmit:  The biggest motherfucker…. I like that. I like that. Yeah. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Well we're here now because I'm done having a conversation with you. Rocking up to Miller and Sons. What's our law specialty? I don't know a lot about law. Are you a… What's the…  it's not defendant.

Olive/Timmit:  I'm just gonna say this now. I know very little to nothing about law or being a lawyer. I have had friends that have done law degrees and criminology degrees, but I couldn't tell you. So, I would say that Timothy… I think Timothy would be a family lawyer, I reckon. He's very family orientated, you know. He's got deep ties with most of his family, and he'd want to do something good for the world.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Are you in a family of lawyers? Is that the family trade? 

Olive/Timmit:  No though Timothy's mother is a doctor, very well renowned, and his father is on the opposite spectrum and he is a university lecturer. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What does he teach? 

Olive/Timmit: Architecture. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You got that quick fire. I'll put you on your toes. 

Olive/Timmit: Yep sure. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, in the office now we've got the lovely receptionist. 

Tyrone/margaret: Hi how are you this morning Timothy? 

Olive/Timmit: Good morning Margaret. How are you? 

Tyrone/margaret:  Doing excellent. You're here for your orientation, correct? 

Olive/Timmit:  Yes please. And I mean I know it's on the ninth floor, but it's always lovely to see you in the morning. 

Tyrone/margaret: You flatter me too much Timothy. You're gonna make it excellent in here.

Olive/Timmit: “Oh you're too kind Margaret. Oh and don't forget.” And he pulls out a little bag of these muffins and just sits it on the table and is like, “Now don't eat all of these without me.”

Tyrone/margaret: Did you get apple and cinnamon? They're my favourite 

Olive/Timmit: Oh Margaret, I know all too well. Don't you worry. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: She's gonna look kind of bashful, and sort of bat you away and be like:

Tyrone/margaret: Go sit over there with the rest of the onboarders.

Olive/Timmit: He'll just give her a little wink, and then go and sit next to his coworkers.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: There’s about ten new people here. 

Olive/Timmit: He'll look them over. Not… he'll give him a little bit of the nose, you know. Like he'll look down a little bit, but they're also all there on the same playing field. He's ready to learn but he won't be intimidated. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master:  Yeah you'll get a few side eyes of people there. It's a very competitive business, what I'm picturing. A lot of people here they fought tooth and nail to get here, and they're not letting you guys get out because we all know that not all of you are going to make it through the end of the month. 

Olive/Timmit:  No absolutely, so he's very aware of that, but he's in his element. He's ready for this. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The elevator dings and out steps a man in a lovely sort of vintage three-piece suit - sort of browns and whites with a little ruby red tie to top it all off. 

Olive/Timmit: Timothy will be the first one up, and he will walk right over, and stick out his hands. With the words of wisdom from the Uber driver, and just stick it out and, “Good morning sir, I'm Timothy. It's going to be a pleasure to work with you.” 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Roll me a strength roll. 

Olive/Timmit: Oh no my worst stat… could I not persuade the DM for a Charisma based check?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I think you need to show this man how firm your handshake is. 

Olive/Timmit: Yeah all right here we go.

*Dice rolls*

Olive/Timmit: That's gonna be a three. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah he rolled a nat twenty. I'm sure you've had this sometime in your life where you've gone to give someone a handshake and they have ripped your arm off. Like you are- your arm is flailing. This is exactly what's happening. 

Olive/Timmit: Timothy will just do his best to keep his composure the whole time. He won't let go first. He won't be the one to give in. 

Tyrone/Manager: Timothy Gulbert, it's an absolute pleasure to meet you. 

Olive/Timmit: Sir, pleasure is all mine sir. Very, very pleasure to meet you as well. Yes, I'm very excited to get started. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: He’s just going to look over and just sort of wave over the other candidates

Tyrone/Manager: Look, we're going to give you up a little buddy system so that you can get to know your fellow co-workers. So, if you're going to be here you're going to be here right next to uh… What's your name over there? Alec. Alec you're gonna go in the elevator with Alec. 

Olive/Timmit: Ah Alec, pleasure to meet you. I'm Timothy. 

Tyrone/Alec: Hmm. Alec.

Olive/Timmit: Shall we then?

Tyrone/Dungeons Master: We're gonna go up in the elevators two by two, because I've established a cannon now that this all happens during COVID still so we are limited to two people per elevator.

Olive/Timmit: Yep

Tyrone/Dungeons Master: Heading up the elevator, do you try to talk to Alec at all?

Olive/Timmit: No, I think it's gonna be uncomfortable silence, but it will be a battle of wills. So. Timothy will allow himself not to become uncomfortable, but to make him feel uncomfortable.

Tyrone/Dungeons Master: He's not even going to pay you any mind. He's making himself little notes on a little clipboard that he's brought. He’s straightening up his tie. Making sure that his tie pin is straight, that his brooch she's exactly as it should be, and he's got a little kerchief in his top pocket, and he's not even gonna notice when you just aren't there anymore because well one moment you're glaring down Alec and the next moment your vision is covered by purple.

[Music]

Tyrone/Dungeons Master: Purple everywhere you look, and you find yourself free-falling. You’ve mentioned you travelled. Have you ever been like skydiving, bungee jumping, any of those extremes? 

Olive/Timmit: Definitely bungee jumping. Skydiving is something that he has in mind as a goal after his first year of being a lawyer. It was always one of those things that he wanted to do but as he got older and he realised the risks, he wanted to live life a little first before putting himself in such a dangerous position. 

Tyrone/Dungeons Master: God damn, he's really thought about skydiving 

Olive/Timmit: He wants it so bad. 

Tyrone/Dungeons Master: You feel like you're bungee jumping again. It almost feels like the elevator has just dropped out from beneath you and you're plummeting. It is… I don't know how we feel about the bungee jumping, but it's kind of scary in my opinion. 

Olive/Timmit: I can't say, I've never been, but I'm terrified of heights so nah I'm good. 

Tyrone/Dungeons Master: Same. Before you find yourself free floating like a swimming pool is the best way to describe. It’s sort of weightless. And as you look around you see a planet, and you know your solar system. This is not one of the nine/eight other planets. depends who you ask depends if Pluto counts. It's not one of those.

Olive/Timmit: Pluto counts. The jury's out

Tyrone/Dungeons Master: ‘The jury's out’. I see what you did there. And you see this green planet is completely covered in lush vegetation filled with these alien animals that you can kind of just catch glimpses of before you begin falling again through another portal. 

Olive/Timmit: With each image of every animal, sweat begins to build in the palms and under the pits and just down his back. 

Tyrone/Dungeons Master: And then you're free floating again, and this time it is… You want to call it a planet but it is just covered in metropolis, like head to toe. It seems man-made. It seems like even the earth, like the ground had been replaced with metal and brass and iron. The whole planet, head to toe. Before you fall again. At which point you've been bungee jumping for too long and I think the blood has all rushed to your head as you pass the fuck out.

Olive/Timmit: Dope 

Tyrone/Dungeons Master:  When you slowly come to, you are facing upwards with your head in the mud. As you open your eyes you see this school of luminescent fish seemingly swimming through the sky. 

Olive/Timmit:  *panicked noises*

[Music]

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And welcome back to Portal Quandary episode six. Holy shit! Episode six. Guys. We're back in the den of the Astroneptis. Congratulations everybody, you got the marble! You got the essence! And you have levelled up. So, we're gonna do what we did last time. We're going to talk about what we gained in our level ups. Should I pick a victim to begin? Let's begin trial by fire. Let's pick the newbie to go first, Timmit. You're new to the gang.

Olive/Timmit:  That was going to be my last suggestion. But very well. Well this is Timmit’s first level up, and he has felt a very strong connection with his gavel since he's arrived, and not had an opportunity to really explore that, so this level up he has spent a bit of time connecting with that gavel and experiencing a little form of higher levelled magic. So, some new spells have been granted to him and he's excited to use those abilities to the best of his party's aid.

Steven/Noah: So he plans on helping the team this time?

Jorja/Magnolia: Oh, get wrecked. 

Olive/Timmit:  I would like to point out that there were some really negative vibes in the solving of the puzzle.

Steven/Noah: I mean, look, I found a stick but I was helping.

Olive/Timmit: No, no absolutely. It was the octopus haters in the room. Little stabbers. 

Rosie/Lucille: Well Lucille’s like, "Uh what puzzle? I scared it off."  LOL.

Steven/Noah: And learned nothing. 

Jorja/Magnolia: No lessons learned. 

Olive/Timmit: Zero consequences. 

Rosie/Lucille:  Woo!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: We joke but Timmit kind of did solve the puzzle. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah because he had all of the pieces, and then didn't explain it. 

Steven/Noah: And the highest rolls.

Jorja/Magnolia: I've moved on, we're fine, it-

Olive/Timmit: Just gets smarter boy.

Jorja/Magnolia: Fuck you!

Steven/Noah:  I can't understand *wet octopus noises*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I've realised we know what the other guys are, we don't know what you are. What's your race? What's your class? What's your background?

Olive/Timmit: Well from the fire you can probably tell I'm a fire genasi. Lovely wavy flowy hair, and I am a wizard. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You're a wizard Timmit!

Olive/Timmit: You're a wizard Timmit.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And the background?

Olive/Timmit: Investigator. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Is it because you're a lawyer? 

Olive/Timmit: My feature is Official Inquiry. So, I'm experienced at gaining access to people and places to get the information you need through a combination of fast talking, determination, and official looking documentation, you can gain access to a place or an individual related to a crime you're investigating. Those who aren't involved in your investigation avoid impeding you or pass along your requests. Additionally, local law enforcement has firm opinions about you, viewing you as either a nuisance or one of their own. No in between. That's the sweet spot for Timmit.

Jorja/magnolia: When has he ever been a competent talker?

Olive/Timmit: When he's confident. 

Jorja/magnolia: And that is?

Olive/Timmit: Not around giant octopus. [Octo]Pussy? [Octo]Pusses? 

Steven/Noah: I can confirm it’s not pussy. It's not octopussy. That's a different character altogether. 

Olive/Timmit:  Thank you I've been watching the wrong David Attenborough. But at third level, I do gain my second level spell slots which is very saucy, and I gain an additional first level. So, I have decided to take an additional spell at level two called Gift of Gab. That's really all Timmit had going for him this level up. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master:  Alright. Rosie. 

Rosie/Lucille: Oh I knew you were gonna say me. Yes so Lucille's, you know, got a little bit more powerful. She's noticed that, you know, a lot of other people and fairies and all the other weird kind of, you know, folk that are around have spells which is pretty neat. Partially inspired by Magnolia, who still is kind of god-like, whenever Lucille thinks about her. Lucille has decided to get some spells which she's gonna use for good…. most of the time. Yeah that's pretty much it, hey. She's… it's pretty exciting 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I'm very scared for you having spells just so you know. 

Rosie/Lucille: *Giggle* Yeah, I know! That's why I did it.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master:  Let's move on over to your godlike figure then. Magnolia. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah! Okay, so she's like really intrigued by all of the plants around her and wants to sort of explore that and figure out why it's growing towards the fairy city, and she feels like an overwhelming responsibility to figure it out and protect the natural order, and from that she feels a bit more powerful and grounded and guided. She also feels a bit more like healthy and like she can heal a bit more 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: After healing Lucille again and again, you're like, ‘I need more’

Jorja/Magnolia: It's like, ‘uh-oh I gotta help you and then I'll figure out how to look after myself.’

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I like that - inspired by Glamos. Noah Baker! What's going on for you and level up?

Steven/Noah: Hey. Cogs are turning. Thinking is happening. It's good. He's trying to learn about the world. Actually quite a bit happened on level up, I'm not gonna lie. So, he got to pick a specialty, and he's feeling like, you know, a little while ago we had a little trouble with our sword, and we couldn't quite get our sword to work so he's been practising. He's a little better at using his sword. He gained some proficiency with martial weapons, so he's hoping to be a little bit better with swords, with sticking them with the pointy end. He realised that he has a lot of pockets and he has a lot of tools, but he feels like he could have more tools because some of his pockets are a little empty. So he's gonna think about ways of adding additional tools to, you know, complete the various things that he wants to do, because he has a lot of ideas. Lots of thoughts, and he's ready to start playing around with stuff, and making those thoughts into reality. 

Olive/Timmit: By level twenty could you have a magical item that's just called the pocket jacket, and it's just a jacket that's entirely sewn together by pockets, 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It's like one of those pencil cases that's entirely zipper!

Jorja/Magnolia: I was thinking of the actual DND item that's like a robe of useful items and it's just all patches that you can throw.

Steven/Noah: And I can replicate magical items so I'll just put Bags of Holding in everything.

Jorja/Magnolia: Ohh! you would be a time bomb. 

Olive/Timmit: Backpack from Dora has got nothing on you.

Steven/Noah: Call me Mary Poppins

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Thank you Noah. So, where we're standing is in the back half of this angola. You're in the pillars. Magnolia's just picked up a marble, had some crazy memories come back to her. We've noticed this skyscraper in the distance and Parav has just come out from the bushes. 

Jorja/Magnolia: All normal things .

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: He's gonna be like:

Tyrone/Parav: Guys, guys! They're over here, they're over here.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And you'll see lots of bushes start rustling all around you as all of the scouts come in. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Were you guys here the whole time? What the fuck? 

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah thanks for the help. 

Olive/Timmit:  These are all fairies, right?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Correct 

Olive/Timmit: How tall are these fairies?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: They're small creatures, so they're like… about as tall as you. 

Olive/Timmit:  Oh okay. Timmit's just gonna look around at all these creatures and just all the wings, and look at his feet. Just, “I don't- Where are we?”

Jorja/Magnolia: That's a wonderful question. Right now? Uh octopus den? 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It's very funny actually because the same thing is going through their minds as they're going to pull out their crossbows and they're going to point them at you and be like:

Tyrone/Parav: Guys step back, step back, step back. There's a Lustris there! You gotta get away. 

Jorja/Magnolia: No! it's just like some weird guy that… The same thing that happened to us I think happened to him. 

Steven/Noah: Yeah he doesn't know anything. He doesn't know what's going on, but he did help us just now, so we think he's good.

Rosie/Lucille: His name's Timothy

Tyrone/PARAV:  And the other guy? Where's he? Is he okay? 

Jorja/Magnolia: He's not with you?

Tyrone/PARAV: No…

Steven/Noah: We kind of lost him in the mist a little while back. We were hoping maybe you guys found him?

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah we saw parts of his clothes or just something, and then we couldn't see him but we had to fight.

Rosie/Lucille: Demons be demons. 

Tyrone/Parav: This is why we sent us with you, the scouts. To make sure that this sort of thing didn't happen. I'm so sorry. I'm gonna take on full responsibility of this. Are you guys okay?

Steven/Noah: Surprisingly yes 

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah… Pretty good.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: this Parav - who Timothy doesn't know. So, he's a lovely gentleman all clad in black. He's got like face wrap. He's got black moth wings that are tipped in white. He will come straight over and give you a very bloke sort of handshake. 

Olive/Timmit:  Timmit will reciprocate he's known he's not one to shy away from a good sturdy handshake.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Even if he's very bad at them 

Olive/Timmit: I mean he's a little bit smaller than he used to be but he can- 

Tyrone/PARAV: Well you must be Timothy. I'm Parav. you're looking a bit rusty there mate. You all right? 

Olive/Timmit:  I'm just taking it all in. I don't even- I really don't know if this is really real, but you know it's a pleasure to meet you. You seem lovely with your crossbows and sharp pointy sticks. 

Tyrone/PARAV:  Oh yeah down guys, down, down. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Down Boys!

Tyrone/PARAV: Come, come. We- Like, the sun is setting. We really need to get back to base so that we can all rest together.

Jorja/Magnolia: Okay 

Steven/Noah: Little spoon.

Jorja/Magnolia: Big spoon 

Rosie/Lucille: Resting together? It's a bit racy. 

Tyrone/PARAV: Well we did only pack enough bedrolls for the amount of us, so a couple of people will have to buddy up. 

Rosie/Lucille: Well certainly not me.

Olive/Timmit:  I mean if I don't have to sleep in the dirt again I'll be happy. 

Tyrone/PARAV: That's all right we'll sort out sleeping arrangements when we get there, but quick the sun is setting. Did you? 

Tyrone/Dungeon MAster:  He kind of just looks around and realises exactly where he is. He's like:

Tyrone/PARAV: This is the den. Is it- Did you get it? 

Jorja/Magnolia: Heyo!

Rosie/Lucille: I scared it off.

Jorja/Magnolia: She's so proud! 

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah. Lucille’s like, she's flown up a little bit above him and she's like boasting proudly. She's so happy. 

Olive/Timmit:  Actually I solved the puzzle. You didn't do anything. 

Rosie/Lucille: What puzzle? You guys were just playing with things!

Olive/Timmit: And then Timmit is going to alter reality.

Rosie/Lucille: Ooh

Olive/Timmit:  With his reaction he will cast the Gift of Gab.

*magical SFX*

Olive/Timmit: And there'll be a small, little pulse of yellow energy that will shoot from the end of the gavel, and it will stream straight over towards Lucille like a thin line of yellow light, and then in everyone's mind around - what they'll really hear from what just came from Timmit’s mouth is, “Honestly Lucille, I haven't seen such bravery, and someone especially of your size in ever. It was marvellous, truly”. And that is what everyone believes Timmit has just said.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master:  This spell is the epitome of gaslighting.

Jorja/Magnolia: I would just like to point out that everyone has to be within five feet of you 

Olive/Timmit: You know what? Lucille remembers it that way, and I'm fine with that. If anyone else wasn't standing five feet beside me then they know exactly what I said, and they know what Timmit is all about, so that's chill. 

Steven/Noah: And that's just the background characters. We'll never hear from them. 

Olive/Timmit: Yeah, yeah for sure. So, all those fairies would have just heard what came out of Timmit’s mouth and then just seen whatever Lucille's reaction was to whatever she heard. 

Rosie/Lucille: And what…. What was that?

 *laughter* 

Olive/Timmit: You'll just have to listen to the episode.

Rosie/Lucille: Well Lucille’s, she's pretty proud, so she's gonna turn around and be like, “You know what? Thanks Timothy. I really appreciate it. I do what I can”. And then like turn back looking pretty happy and chuffed. 

Tyrone/Parav: I knew you were a warrior, Lucille! So, you got the essence, did you Lucille?

Rosie/Lucille: The what?

Jorja/Magnolia: Uh yeah, and then she handed it to me. 

Rosie/Lucille: Oh yeah, yeah that.

Tyrone/Parav: It is as I remember. I remember back when Kyros came and showed it to us all. Well keep it safe. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Okay. Have you ever touched one of these before? 

Tyrone/Parav: No, that's usually kept to the scientists. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Good thing I'm a scientist. Do you know if it gives you visions 

Tyrone/Parav: I don't think visions, no. It's pure magic you're holding though, so perhaps you're attuned to some magic within it? 

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah that could be it? Yeah that's probably it. 

Steven/Noah: Noah is furiously writing all this down. Writing things down, noting like magic equals, you know, like that sort of notes everywhere. He's not a clean note writer.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master:  As long as he can read it 

Jorja/Magnolia: That's all you need in life. Read your own notes. 

Tyrone/Parav: What did you see?

Jorja/Magnolia: So it kind of like- I feel like I just remembered going through the portal more, and I feel like I saw someone. 

Tyrone/Parav: We’re they a fairy? Was it Kyros?

Jorja/Magnolia: No. They were blue. 

Tyrone/Parav: I've never met anyone who was blue. 

Olive/Timmit: It can't be healthy if they're blue. 

Jorja/Magnolia: You know what? You're right. They- It felt like they were going the opposite way to me.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: He looks a little scared at that realisation he's like:

Tyrone/Parav: What has Kyros done? 

Jorja/Magnolia: How long until we can get back to Cleary because I feel like they might be able to help.

Tyrone/Parav: We should be there by midday tomorrow if we hurry along back to the apothecary now. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Okay, okay

Olive/Timmit: I mean, I'm pretty tired. I don't see any reason why we should stay.

[Music] 

POTIONS AND POTPOURRI AD READ: Hello fellow D&D and TTRPG Nerds. This is Kala from the Potions and Potpourri podcast. Myself and my co host Keisha are just two gal pals who like to hang out and have casual conversations about Dungeons & Dragons and other TTRPGs. Our show is loosely formatted but we like to talk about a variety of topics relating to Dungeons & Dragons and TTRPGS in general. Plus we do the occasional live play. We interview guests from the TTRPG space, and we also do improv creations where we make things up on the fly together. We give lots of tips and tricks. As Keisha is our resident DM, and Kala is a forever player. So if you are new to the Dungeons & Dragons or TTRPG realm, or if you’ve been part of this realm and want to learn some new tips and tricks, or if you just want to listen to some goofy gals. Come find us wherever you get your podcasts. Potions and Potpourri! 

[Music] 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Along the walk they'll continue to light lanterns and hang up wind chimes. 

Jorja/Magnolia: PTSD 

Olive/Timmit:  What- What's with all the wind chimes?

Rosie/Lucille: Oh it's so silly. 

Tyrone/Parav: Why is it silly? It helped us find you 

Rosie/Lucille: Oh, because- Well did it?

Olive/Timmit:  They found us didn't they? That's their primary use? They- they used to find things and people?

Rosie/Lucille: The wind chimes… How? 

Steven/Noah: After all, they worked so well last time…..

Tyrone/Parav:  Yes. We sort of use it to sort of find our way in the mists. When we can't see with our eyes, we can listen with our ears.

Rosie/Lucille: So you listen to the wind chimes….

Tyrone/Parav: Yes?

Jorja/Magnolia: You might need a new method. We fought like a big fish guy that mimicked the sound of the wind chimes, and it almost got some of us killed.

Steven/Noah: Fucking terrifying 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You see absolute horror cross over his face as he realises the implications of this. 

Tyrone/PARAV: The- the- the- the- the Lustris are evolving? Learning?!

Jorja/Magnolia: I would say so. Most creatures adapt to survive so… or they adapt to get fed. So I feel like that's what's happened.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Magnolia's like, ‘Have you heard of Charles Darwin’? 

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah, let me introduce you to evolution.

Rosie/Lucille: What a smart young lass you are.

Tyrone/Parav: Please, please stay close by. The scatter method won't work again then will it?

Jorja/Magnolia: Probably not, no. 

Olive/Timmit: The what? Scatter method? 

Tyrone/Parav: You know when the Lustris attack we all scattered because we know that we can find each other with the wind chimes again.

Steven/Noah: It would have been nice to know the scatter method before you all scattered.

Olive/Timmit:  But that kind of sounds like the brilliance of it to me though, you know? Like, there's no formative plan to scatter method, it's just ‘scatter’.

Steven/Noah: Yeah but we didn't scatter. We stayed because we didn't know to scatter. 

Olive/Timmit: But that's the primary word. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah but then we started to scatter, and then Lucille didn't, so we're like, ‘Well’... 

Rosie/Lucille: Well, because there was a fish. 

Steven/Noah: And we lost a bad 

Olive/Timmit: You know, I understand. 

Tyrone/Parav: A fun thing to note is that the mist has cleared as well though. When you defeated the octopus, the mist disappeared. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Oooh!

Tyrone/Parav: We've arrived at where they were setting up the apothecary last, and when you come back, where there was nothing, there's now a little shack. I’m picturing a cute, little witch's shack in the swamp.

Jorja/Magnolia: Minecraft. 

Rosie/Lucille: Does Shrek live there?

Jorja/Magnolia: What did she say?

Steven/Noah: Does Shrek live there

*laughter*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yep, there's an outhouse and everything. 

Rosie/Lucille: Oh wait, legit? 

Olive/Timmit:  That is really good to know because I- I don't know how to say this but I- I need to…

Steven/Noah: Cue All-Star 

*laughter*

Olive/Timmit: The real dragons in the dungeon. 

*laughter*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: There’s like a little campfire and they're toasting s'mores.

Jorja/Magnolia: Oh hell yeah. 

Tyrone/Parav: So we've just made some of the other scouts buddy up so you can all have your own private bedroll. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Ooo, thank you.

Olive/Timmit: That's really kind of you. Thank you. I appreciate that.

Tyrone/Scouts: Anything for the newbies

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: They dab. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Fuck I forgot about that. I dab back.

Steven/Noah: I do not.

Olive/Timmit:  Is dabbing a fairy tradition? What-?

Jorja/Magnolia: No, it's a human tradition. 

Olive/Timmit: Oh, why would you bestow that upon these innocent creatures? 

Jorja/Magnolia: We didn't. 

Olive/Timmit: Oh!

Jorja/Magnolia: It wasn't us in this room 

Tyrone/Parav: Please, please, please sit around the campfire. Please tell me about what you saw. What was the Astro like?

Olive/Timmit:  “I think I'm just gonna go for a walk over here. I'd really rather not hear or think about this”, and Timmit will just walk off for a little bit 

Rosie/Lucille: Weak stomach. 

Jorja/Magnolia: I think he has a thing about animals. 

Rosie/Lucille: Bad trait.

Tyrone/Parav: Oh dear, this is not going to go well with the Exos, is it? But what did you see? What was it like? Guess your friend's okay?

Jorja/Magnolia: Oh yeah he's fine.

Steven/Noah: I picture you like back in the corners being like, “la la la la la la la la la la la” 

Olive/Timmit: Timmit is literally just going for a little stroll, and he'll just be turning his gavel over in his hands thematically as he just tries to block out any kind of sound that's coming in, and if he hears the word octopus his stomach will literally do a flip.

Jorja/Magnolia: Fuck yeah, kickflip.

Steven/Noah: I'm gonna whisper to Honey Boo Boo, assuming that she's still around, I'm gonna whisper to Honey Boo Boo something. *Whispering noises*. And she's gonna fly over, and she's gonna boop Timmit on the shoulder. It’ll just be like, ‘Boop’! And when she does that, you're just gonna feel just very calm, and all of a sudden like all your fears just melt away. You're like, ‘I'm no longer scared of talking about an octopus’. 

Olive/Timmit: What did you cast on me? 

Steven/Noah: I cast Heroism on you. 

Olive/Timmit: Can I save against it? 

Steven/Noah: No. 

*laughter*

Olive/Timmit: You know what? Sick. Cool.

Steven/Noah: So you're immune to being frightened.

Olive/Timmit: I'll just look at this little bee, and my initial reaction will absolutely be like, I'll start to bring flame into my hand, and then I'll look at it and it'll come over, and I’ll go: “Hello little bee. Oh aren't you cute?” And then I'll just let the bee sit on my finger, and I'll just get lost in a conversation with it. 

Steven/Noah: It's probably gonna apathetically look at you and then fly back to me because it's task is done. It's very black and white like that. 

Olive/Timmit: Timmit it will get very sad that it flew away from him, but then we'll eventually come back within the group much cheerier than before and with no fear of animal talk. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You come back and Lucille’s like, ‘And that's how I killed the octopus’! 

Steven/Noah: There was no killing.

Olive/Timmit: There was no killing.

Tyrone/Parav: So it was an octopus?

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah, it was slimy and we couldn't see it at first, but then Lucille spotted it, and then Lucille started fighting it, but then there was like some sort of puzzle thing. I don't know. Instructions unclear and then…

Steven/Noah: And it kept whispering in our  ears like this awful sound that I'm not gonna repeat (because the editors hate that). But yeah, it was just this weird awful sloshing sound, and it came up every time we did something. Whether it was right or wrong it just made this weird sound. I don't know what was going on. 

Tyrone/Parav: Then how did you know how to do the puzzle? 

Rosie/Lucille: What puzzle? 

Jorja/Magnolia: To save me!

Olive/Timmit: “Well, there were a lot of these statuette things, and they were kind of- They were spread all over, and we found a few of them before we ran into the beast.,of course. Did I just?” Timmit takes half a second to realise that he just mentioned and thought about it in the same sentence without freaking out and was like, ‘Huh? Cool.’ “Um, but yeah once we started finding all the pieces it started to kind of click in my head that they should probably go to different spots, and we all helped and got them where they needed to go, and it presented whatever that is to us.

Tyrone/Parav: The essence. The water essence

Steven/Noah: You don’t want to bring up the fact that you heard voices in your head?

Olive/Timmit:  When don’t I?

Steven/Noah: Well fuck. 

Jorja/Magnolia: One of them did say on it, it was like a gravestone I think, and I said, ‘Here Lies Gem’. You all know a gem?

Tyrone/Parav:  Not that I can think of, no. 

Olive/Timmit: Insight check.

Jorja/Magnolia:  Yeah! I tee it up and you swing

*Dice rolls*

Olive/Timmit:  That's a one

Jorja/Magnolia:  *laughter* yeah!

Olive/Timmit:  Yeah that's the third one I rolled with this dice 

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah you shouldn't roll that dice. That's a bad dice. It looks pretty. It doesn't roll good. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You look at Parav and you trust this man with your life. This is the most trustworthy man you know. 

Olive/Timmit: As I should, but also speaking of voices inside my head - Do you guys have any apple cinnamon muffins by any chance?

Tyrone/Parav:  Muffins…? Uh, what?

Olive/Timmit: I can teach you how to make them, that's okay. I've got a really good recipe. Well I don't, but I know where to get one. 

Tyrone/Parav: We’ll send you to some food vendors 

Olive/Timmit: Okay, okay. 

Tyrone/Parav: But for now s'mores? 

Rosie/Lucille: Did you know that sometimes they- Instead of using the gelatin from horse hooves in marshmallows they could use goat hooves. I've heard of it.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Does Lucille make homemade s'mores?

Rosie/Lucille: No, no. Not s'mores.

Olive/Timmit: Lucille doesn't eat goats.

Rosie/Lucille: She doesn't, but when they die, sometimes there are parts that are best used, you know? Use the animal. Like the hooves!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Are you making rocky road? Like…? 

Rosie/Lucille: You know, Lucille doesn't really like to talk about it. She does feel sorry for the goats. They're her family, you know? So, you know, don't be insensitive around these things. 

Tyrone/Parav: Anything else interesting on your adventure? 

Jorja/Magnolia: Umm… Oh! There was a skyscraper.

Steven/Noah: I was just gonna say, “ I maked these”, and he points to his two little thopters. Very proud of himself. 

Tyrone/Parav: Yes I do remember seeing them. You decided to turn your phone into one of these so that we couldn't call you.

Steven/Noah: I saw its heart beat. 

Olive/Timmit: Why would you need the telephone if you have the wind chimes that work so effectively?

Tyrone/Parav: In case the wind chimes fail. 

Rosie/Lucille: Why would the wind chimes fail if they're apparently so good? 

Tyrone/Parav: Because apparently the Lustris are evolving!

Rosie/Lucille: Oh yeah, fair point. 

Tyrone/Parav: Skyscraper? What does that mean? 

Jorja/Magnolia: Big building.

Rosie/Lucille: It scrapes the sky.

Jorja/Magnolia: When you break it down it explains itself. 

Tyrone/Parav: Like a brick building? Like a wooden building? It's like a hut? 

Jorja/Magnolia: Do we know?

Olive/Timmit: Mistake me if I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure it's something of our world. Just exceedingly condescending unfortunately. Just like, ‘From where we're from’. 

Tyrone/Parav: And what is a skyscraper to you?

Jorja/Magnolia: “It's usually made with like metal and then, it can be brick, it can be… No they're not wood. There's wood in them, but it's not on the outside, and then it's got a lot of windows, and there's usually like offices in them. He's probably been in one.” Points to Timmit.

Olive/Timmit: They're just tall structures made of wood and glass and stone that look really pretty when the sun hits against them. 

Rosie/Lucille: Oh pretty? No, they're like- No, they're big, square, grey boxes of depression.

Jorja/Magnolia: She's not wrong. 

Olive/Timmit: The buildings are subjective to each and every person. 

Rosie/Lucille: Lucille's rolling her eyes.

Steven/Noah: Architecturally they're quite impressive 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Parav’s gonna do some whispering to some of his other scouts.

Jorja/Magnolia: I try to listen. 

Steven/Noah: Put those rabbit ears to good use.

Tyrone/Parav: It seems that you've stumbled upon Exanimus.

Jorja/Magnolia: Huh?

Olive/Timmit: Good Parav. How is that spelled?

Tyrone/Parav: E-x-a-n-i-m-u-s. It's not a very good place, and it's not not pertinent to your journey at all.

Olive/Timmit:  Might I inquire as to why it's not a good place? So they're bad things there, or is it just-? 

Steven/Noah: Timmit, stop being so timid! You're brave, for a minute, so it’s probably ended actually. Go back to that questioning life.

Tyrone/Parav: Well. Oh, I guess you might not have been there yet. There's Glamos - the fields of Glamos. They are pure magic, I guess. Yeah, if Glamos is magic, Exanimus is devoid of magic. Nothing magic can live there. There must be opposites. One gives, one takes.

Olive/Timmit: I feel like that probably would be a really sucky place for us to go now that - and a little bit of fire will just flame into his hand - now that these abilities are coming to us. I don't know if it will work there but I'm curious to try. 

Jorja/Magnolia: That's a great point, but also I've lived like twenty-three years without magic, so I feel like I can go for like a five minute journey. 

Olive/Timmit: It looked a little further to me, but a five minute journey would be fun. 

Steven/Noah: Well I think my thopter is made of magic, so I could send the thopter and see…

Jorja/Magnolia: It just flies through like a invisible force field and then *crashing noises*

Tyrone/Parav: Yes, but it's not pertinent to your journey at all. There's no essence there or anything, so you need to worry about it…

Jorja/Magnolia: Insight check! 

*Dice rolls*

Jorja/Magnolia: Uh… twelve?

Olive/Timmit:  Parav, have you ever heard of a side quest?

Jorja/Magnolia: We need XP!

Tyrone/Parav: This is a land full of metal and he is a fairy so….

Jorja/Magnolia: True.

Olive/Timmit: So, I'm sorry there are multiple lands here? 

Tyrone/Parav: Oh did your friends not catch you up yet?

Olive/Timmit: No, we haven't really had much of a chance  to really talk about much here. It was just kind of like, I got here and then there was an octopus and then there was a puzzle and now I'm here and I need a muffin and so that's all I know. 

Tyrone/Parav: We will get you your muffin, don't worry. Well yes, where you are right now, we call this Neptis. It's very swampy. There's also Theran. It's very deserty, I suppose. There's Novis, it's a lot of mining happens there and lava, and Avos which is just like flat soil plains, but the clouds tend to have a world of their own. Oh and Glamos, I've forgot to mention of course, is just a big field of aetherbloom.

Jorja/Magnolia:  When he says that, can I check my pocket because I had unbloomed aetherbloom? Can I, without pulling it out of my pocket, can I see if it's still unbloomed?

Tyrone/Parav: They are all unbloomed again.

Jorja/Magnolia: Wonderful! 

Steven/Noah:- Sorry. I just want to double back to when he was called our friend? Noah's just going to be scribbling in his book. He's going to look up for two seconds, be like, “He's not a friend”, and then continue writing this book.

Olive/Timmit: I mean it’s a little hurtful, but it's very truthful. Yes I'm sure you'll come to like me 

Jorja/Magnolia: Ehhhhh

Olive/Timmit: Maybe… I don't know. I mean you still terrify the absolute shit out of me like. I don't know what to make of you, but you seem nice inside so that's what I'm trying to cling on to and not judge you, externally.

Jorja/Magnolia: That's probably a good concept to keep at just in life, in general. 

Olive/Timmit: Eh, and then you're pretty cool. I feel like we're on the same wavelengths.  

Jorja/Magnolia:  Like he's still writing. So he's not looking at you!

Steven/Noah: Yeah, I'm like pure logic. One hundred percent logic. Cold logic. 

Olive/Timmit:  And then there's… And he just looks at the fairy who's probably just going over her ninja stars, right now.

Rosie/Lucille: Ninja stars?! Throwing stars. Thank you very much.

Olive/Timmit:  A-huh. sure. That's what they're called. Yep 

Tyrone/Parav: Well you guys, assumably, will have the same goal of trying to get back to wherever you came from. So, you'll have to enjoy each other's company or whether you like it or not 

Olive/Timmit: Absolutely not true 

Rosie/Lucille: You don't have to enjoy it, we can just put up with it. 

Steven/Noah: For once I agree with Lucille. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Me too. 

Olive/Timmit:  Me three. 

Steven/Noah: No one cares what you want!

*laughter*

Jorja/Magnolia: You beat me by a second!

Steven/Noah: Noah wouldn't say that though.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It's time for bed.

Steven/Noah: Yay my spell resets.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah true, you do get your second level spell slot back, Timmit, and you do get your spell slot back. Unless anyone cares to argue with me, I think we should just jump cut to being back at the city.

Rosie/Lucille: Sure.

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah…

Olive/Timmit: We could add some music behind it and make it all travelly and whispery….

Steven/Noah: I was thinking like I have The Eye of the Tiger…

*All imitate Eye of the Tiger hook*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Timmit. For the first time, in the horizon you see Lambence. The Wayfarers’ City as Parav calls it. It's built like a tall stone tower that's hollow on the inside. The fairies freely fly between layers. As you get closer and you take the elevator because you guys can't all fly except for Lucille. She can decide whether she wants to take the elevator or not.

Rosie/Lucille: She's flying above them.

Olive/Timmit: Could I interject and ask are there signs and is there writing as we're walking through the city and that sort of thing?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Not on the outside only on the inside I think.

Olive/Timmit: Okay alright, no worries.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And then in the centre is a big tree. With, I wouldn’t say fluorescent, but very bright pink leaves, which is called The Kingsgrove.

Jorja/Magnolia: A real hottie that lives in there.

Rosie/Lucille: Ooo. Lucille perks up.

Olive/Timmit: They live in a tree?

Jorja/Magnolia: I don't know if he lives there to be honest it's just where we saw him.

Steven/Noah: He just resides there well

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That's where we're going. We're going inside the castle 

Jorja/Magnolia: Hell yeah.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: There’s a lot of things that I'm going to try to summarise for Timmit. The perimeter watch that you meet along the way, they salute you as you're on the top. Throughout the city, there will be the city watch and then at the castle there's also the kingsguard, who have fossilised leaf shields. They're bare chested. They've got lots of, like,  a leaf armour situation happening.

Steven/Noah: I made it seem like Noah would be like, you know, acknowledging people as you walk through the city, but he doesn't give a crap. Like he would just be, like, writing notes, like, ‘Yeah… whatever’. 

Jorja/Magnolia:  Also you probably noticed that Magnolia's armour looks very much like their armour but just like old.

Steven/Noah: Second hand!

Jorja/Magnolia:  Yeah, I'm a thrifting queen. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And Parav is going to take you right into Cleary's workshop. And the moment that she answers the door-

Steven/Noah:  Now Noah’s paying attention.

Jorja/Magnolia: Wrench!

Steven/Noah: I got a wrench from this one. She gave me a wrench. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The moment that the door opens Parav’s like grovelling he's like:

Tyrone/Parav: I'm so sorry I let them out of my side and they almost died to the Astro but they're okay now I swear.

Jorja/Magnolia: I'm just smiling really big behind him.

Tyrone/Parav Please don't tell Kyros when he comes back.

Olive/Timmit: Who's Kyros?

Tyrone/Parav: He's my boss I guess he's the head of Research and Development. He made the portal machine. The thing that made the portal that possibly brought you here.

Olive/Timmit: Oh I see well you must be a pretty big deal around here then now that he's not here…

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: This is Cleary now.

Tyrone/Cleary: Hello yes who are you?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: She’s going to give you a firm handshake.

Olive/Timmit: I'm gonna try to give one back.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Roll a strength check! Fuck it! 

Olive/Timmit: Oh no…. Unicorn dice!...

*Dice rolls*

Olive/Timmit: Solid five.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Well I rolled a six. 

Olive/Timmit: He's still getting used to his new form and handshakes in general.

Tyrone/Cleary: My name's Cleary. What's your name?

Olive/Timmit:  Um. I-I-I'm Timothy. T-Timmit. Timmit… I'm Timmit.

Steven/Noah: Noah is just gonna, like, write down, like, ‘Oh these bravery's run out. that's really weird’.

Tyrone/Cleary: Timmit. *sigh*. All right. What happened to the other one?

Jorja/Magnolia: We don't know! 

Steven/Noah: I don't know where he went.

Tyrone/Cleary: Parav this is not gonna look good on your report.

Jorja/Magnolia: It's not his fault, he was with us, and then there's a lot of mist and like I just… He’s kind of just gone.

Steven/Noah: He's with us in spirit. He pulls out the rock. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Play the clip:

Nathan/Hymnbo: [As recorded in the rock] Ka-caw!

Tyrone/Cleary: *Sigh*. Well. Parav, make sure your scouts keep an eye out for him. He’s gotten lost in Neptis. So keep an eye out. Did you get it- did you get- did you get it? 

Jorja/Magnolia: Yay! I hold it up.

Tyrone/Cleary: May I have it? 

Jorja/Magnolia: Insight check! 

*Dice Rolls*

Jorja/Magnolia: Ohh…. nine!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, she's just asking for it. Do you want to-

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah, here you go.

Rosie/Lucille: Can Lucille somehow use, like, sleight of hand? To try and take it back without anyone noticing? 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Roll a sleight of hand.

*Dice rolls*

Rosie/Lucille: Twenty-four. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Oh fuck.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You now have the essence of water.

Rosie/Lucille: Yay!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What are you doing with that?

Rosie/Lucille: I'm just gonna slip it into the pocket of my cardigan.

Steven/Noah: I thought you were gonna say Noah's jacket. 

Rosie/Lucille: No, no, just into my cardigan I'm just gonna keep it there for now.

Tyrone/Cleary: So, I couldn't help but notice that all of my phone calls to you didn't work. Did you drop it? What'd you do with it?

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah we needed some help because we kind of got separated and so we were sort of on our own.

Rosie/Lucille: And you weren't helping us.

Tyrone/Cleary: Parav's doing his best.

Jorja/Magnolia: “Yeah we just… Just because we're separated, so we just needed a little something until we got back, but it really helped. Like it saved my life. I think it saved Lucille's life. Probably yours too”, and I'll point it to Timmit.

Olive/Timmit: It did assist with the solving of the puzzle which got us to our goal, which was the essence.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Cleary's gonna pull out a notebook as well and start writing she's like:

Tyrone/Cleary: Okay so this one also liked puzzles. That was really interesting, hmm alright.

Olive/Timmit: Wait hold on I'm sorry also?

Tyrone/Cleary: Well the other Astroneptis, and the first time we made the portal, it also like puzzles.

Olive/Timmit: So I guess it's not too much to be doing in the swamp.

Tyrone/Cleary: Yes the essence…. Hmm. Timmit what do you do? What are you good at? What do you bring to the team?

Olive/Timmit: “Well I'm a lawyer by trade. I like to defend people and, you know, make sure that everyone is being held to their rights. But I can- I have this”, and he'll pull out the little hand axe that he's got. “And I also have this”, and then his right hand will flame up with… I can't remember the name of the cantrip. Oh my god.

Jorja/Magnolia: Produce Flame. 

Olive/Timmit: Thank you Produce Flame one. 

Tyrone/Cleary: I can't help but notice that's a scout issued hand axe you've got there. We’ll come back to that. Number two, you’re magic. It's lovely. The other magic user disappeared so we'll see how that goes.

Olive/Timmit: Disappeared? Oh you're talking about your friend.

Steven/Noah: Yeah. Our actual friend. He continues writing in notebook.

Jorja/Magnolia: *shocked laughter* Noah’s note is just, ‘Sick burn, good one Noah!’

Steven/Noah: Self five!

Tyrone/Cleary: So when are we heading out again

Jorja/Magnolia: I feel like we need some more information, and maybe a little bit more of a plan this time now that we kind of have a bit more of an idea of what's going on.

Tyrone/Cleary: What do you want to know about? Avos? Novis? Theran?

Olive/Timmit:  I heard that there was a place where there's lava? 

Jorja/Magnolia: I feel like that might suck.

Rosie/Lucille: I was also thinking that.

Olive/Timmit: I mean maybe for you, but like I'm okay.

Jorja/Magnolia: Okay go on.

Steven/Noah: Bye.

Jorja/Magnolia: See we're a team.

Olive/Timmit: Sure but I mean I have things that can help you in that.

Jorja/Magnolia: See I didn't know that. It's about communicating all right 

Olive/Timmit: “Alright”, and then I'll cast Gift of Gab at second level, and those last six seconds that just happened, everyone will forget, and instead intimate will say, “Well I heard that there's a place where there's lava. That can actually be really beneficial because I have abilities that will allow us to traverse those areas without too much pain or exhaustion. I feel like we could make that our next stop.”

Jorja/Magnolia: Oh that's really that's really helpful, thank you.

Steven/Noah: Noah looks down under the notes, and is like - ‘Why was I halfway through writing something…?’

All: Ooooh!

Olive/Timmit:  Timmit will remember that! That's beautiful. I love that. That's gonna- that's gonna trip him the fuck up one time. 

Tyrone/Cleary: Oh so you guys want to go to Novis next?

Jorja/Magnolia: Maybe we'll discuss it…

Steven/Noah: We'll discuss it at the team meeting.

Jorja/Magnolia: We got one scheduled.

Steven/Noah: We're all doing Zoom this time?

Olive/Timmit: That's okay, I'll just wait outside. It's fine.

Tyrone/Cleary: Well what do you need? What do you need to get ready then?

Jorja/Magnolia: I would like to maybe sit down and just figure some stuff out about all the plants and stuff. Conduct an experiment and just sort of get a little bit more information about all of this.

Tyrone/Cleary:  I love a good experiment let's go

Steven/Noah: Madam

Olive/Timmit: I  feel like if we're going to be running into more of those beings that have these essences…

Tyrone/Cleary: The Astrolustris.

Olive/Timmit:  Yes, sure. The-The Astrolustris?

Tyrone/Cleary: Correct.

Olive/Timmit: Okay, it might be better to know some of their patterns, some of their weaknesses maybe? Maybe just like the things… The one that we just went to like puzzles, right? What are the other ones like? What do they not like?

Tyrone/Cleary: Alright that's a good point. Let's see, the Astrotheran.

Olive/Timmit: I'm gonna need more notebooks than this.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: She'll just like look at her bookshelf. She'll slick through them. She'd be like:

Tyrone/Cleary: This is an empty one. You can have this.

Steven/Noah: Noah’s just gonna be like, “Do you want a pen? Here you go.”

Olive/Timmit: “Oh thank you” He’ll take it and just with the single pencil that's half shorn to bits from teleporting into a different realm, take it out and just start.

Tyrone/Cleary: Okay so, the Astrotheran… Well it's the essence of earth, so it kind of just really values like brute strength. Might be really good for Lucille here. She's a warrior. Well the Astroavos tends to fly around a lot. Tries to use flight, and the cloud obstacles to its advantage to act like the wind and disappear. 

Olive/Timmit: I notice that this one also had a sort of cloaking kind of atmosphere about it. Do they all have a way to fold in and out between being seen and being real?

Tyrone/Cleary: Well the Astroneptis just that's like its whole thing is like being mist. 

Rosie/Lucille: Missed by who? HA! 

Tyrone/Cleary: I suppose the Astronovis does tend to like to live inside the lava, so that's probably equivalent.

Jorja/Magnolia: Okay noted.

Olive/Timmit: Okay that comment I made about being really helpful earlier is kind of like, ‘Sorta but maybe not at that level just yet.’

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You are resistant, not immune.

Olive/Timmit: I'm resistant and I can do some little bit but-

Steven/Noah: Noah Is going to finish his previous notes there.

Tyrone/Cleary: And I suppose the Astroavos… Yeah I suppose it likes to blend in with the clouds, not really invisible, but it just pretends to be in the clouds.

Olive/Timmit: And how many of these essences did we need?

Tyrone/Cleary:  four 

Olive/Timmit: And then the one we just got was? My apologies. I'm still catching up.

Tyrone/Cleary: That was a water essence. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Which she's gonna like to go to pull out and show you and it is not in her pockets. 

Rosie/Lucille: That's very odd! 

Jorja/Magnolia: Insight check.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Rosie, roll a deception.

*Dice rolls*

Rosie/Lucille: Twenty-two. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Got a sixteen.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Fuck you… 

Tyrone/Cleary: Fuck, don't tell me I lost it can anyone help me like look around on the ground? Like I kind of need it to make the portal device for you guys.

Steven/Noah: Noah is gonna turn to the left and to the right. Then he’ll nod at each thopter. Send them off as they're just gonna start running around the room. 

Olive/Timmit: I’ll make a perception check.

Rosie/Lucille: Lucille's like half-heartedly looking around.

Steven/Noah: Oh yeah can I do an investigation check?

Olive/Timmit: I’ll be happy to do investigation too.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah anyone who would like to roll an investigation against…. something of Rosie's.

*Dice rolls*

Olive/Timmit: Probably the DC for the sleight of hand, maybe? 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah anyone who can roll above a twenty-four on an investigation

Steven/Noah: I got a twenty-three. 

Olive/Timmit: I also got twenty-three. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Alright, are you keeping the essence to yourselves Rosie?

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah I don't want to get caught out. She's keeping it deep in her pocket.

Tyrone/Cleary: Well we might have to hold off on that experiment for a bit Magnolia because I really need to find this essence, so that I can make the uh the base. I need the orb to fit inside the prototype I'm gonna make. 

Olive/Timmit: I mean it would make sense if maybe it disappeared because the… um what was it called?

Tyrone/Cleary: The Astroneptis.

Olive/Timmit: “The Astroneptis. Thank you”. He just writes it down very quickly.

Tyrone/Cleary: So there's Astrolustris, and then they're named after each region, so the Astroneptis, Astrotheran et cetera

Rosie/Lucille: Lucille's going to kind of go over to Magnolia quietly like looking all proud with herself again, and be, and like really subtly from in her pocket show her the orb and be like, “Look, I've got it. I did it.”

Jorja/Magnolia: Lucille we should hand that over.

Rosie/Lucille: We don't know what they're doing with it. Maybe it's important and we need it. We don't know if we can trust them.

Jorja/Magnolia: We need it to get home, and we don't know how to build that machine.

Rosie/Lucille: Yes exactly. Oh but, you know, you're a bright young lass you can figure it out.

Jorja/Magnolia: I don't think I can 

Rosie/Lucille: Lucille doesn't want to hand it over.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Well now Magnolia has the information okay.

Tyrone/Cleary: With what knowledge you have should we… Let's get your kitted up first thing, I guess. We've already got the other guy sorted, we'll get a new suit for you because that's looking a bit ripped.

Olive/Timmit: I'm a little bit dusty.

Tyrone/Cleary: We'll get you something in the morning. Do you just want a fresh suit? 

Olive/Timmit: Yes please.

Tyrone/Cleary:  What sort of weapons do you use? I can see a gavel. That's not going to do very good harm. 

Olive/Timmit: No. it's a little big for me but I've got this little axe, and I feel… I don't know, I'd have to take a look. I feel. 

Tyrone/Cleary: All right let's do a quite a quick detour to the armoury hope that essence turns up when I come back.

Steven/Noah: Do you mind if I tag along to the armoury?

Tyrone/Cleary: Sure 

Jorja/Magnolia: Thopters with knives

*Laughter*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yep they've pretty much got everything. Every conceivable weapon on there or like all the simple and martial bad boys. 

Olive/Timmit: Yeah Timmit will just take a look around, and he'll pick a few up and have a little swing, and then he'll find a nice short sword that suits really well. and he'll keep the hand axe just tucked away in the back, and he'll put down his quarterstaff that he's got that just magically appeared with him. Pop it to the side and just leave that there, and just be like, “Good stick”.

Tyrone/Cleary: Yeah that's right you can keep the hand axe I guess. The one that you stole from us.

Olive/Timmit:  I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about.

Tyrone/Cleary.: Alright okay, everyone else it kitted up. Let's, I don't know… Do you guys want to go down to the shops and see what the vendors have got nowadays? See if there's anything you guys want to see. 

Steven/Noah: Yeah this weapon selection is looking kind of plain. So you reckon they will have better things down in the…?

Tyrone/Cleary: Well this is exactly what our kingsguard and our perimeter guard and our kingswatch are all equipped with, so a bit drabs a bit… 

Steven/Noah: Yeah, but I don't know. They're very… I don't feel much when I pick them up. They're pretty plain 

Tyrone/Cleary: See if there's something to your standard down there I guess. 

Steven/Noah: Thanks 

Jorja/Magnolia: While that's happening can I look a little bit away. Be like, “Lucille no, we need to give it over”.

Rosie/Lucille: I'm gonna be like, “No, stop talking about it. We can't let them know”.

Jorja/Magnolia: If you don't hand it over I will tell them you have it and they will tell the king.

Rosie/Lucille: But I… but I did it for you, so you can prove you’re a scientist. You can do it. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Scientists work in teams, so we're helping by gathering it and then we're going to help build it later. 

Rosie/Lucille: “Oh!” Lucille feels like slowly being like, ‘Oh maybe she's right’, but she will never admit that she's wrong. So, she needs to try and find a way to give it over without admitting that she's wrong.

Jorja/Magnolia: Listen, you had a great idea, and I appreciate you looking out for us, but I think this time we need to hand it over because the king needs it. 

Rosie/Lucille: The king. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah.

Rosie/Lucille: Will we get to speak to him?

Jorja/Magnolia: I think if we get all of them and hand them over then we'll see him.

Rosie/Lucille: Oh it'd be nice to speak to him now. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I feel like this is either a deception or a persuasion. Whichever one you want to roll Magnolia, and Rosie can roll on the insight against that. 

Jorja/Magnolia: It'll be a persuasion 

Rosie/Lucille: My insight's so bad 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Good 

*Dice rolls*

Rosie/Lucille: Oh no. I got six 

Jorja/Magnolia: I got seventeen. 

Rosie/Lucille: Oh! 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So you believe that the king will- Like it is good for the king. The king is gonna need it.

Rosie/Lucille: Oh! Okay, well Lucille's gonna just like, “Well if it's for the king as you say then perhaps you're right. Let's throw it onto the ground and say we found it”. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Oh you can just hand it to me and I'll walk up and say I found it on the way over. 

Rosie/Lucille: Oh, oh you’d do that? 

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah. 

Rosie/Lucille: Ah alright, well Lucille's gonna hand it over to Magnolia feeling quite defeated but as if she's doing the right thing. 

Jorja/Magnolia: And then I'll walk over to Cleary and be like, “Oh my god, I found it! I found it! It was just outside the door. I just had a quick look. 

Tyrone/Cleary: It rolled under the door?

Jorja/Magnolia: I know like near the door just kind of like… There was a little groove and I think it fell in there

Tyrone/Cleary: Well I guess our experiment dates back on. Oh my god that's so good. Thank you so much.

Jorja/Magnolia: You're welcome.

Tyrone/Cleary: To the shops?

Jorja/Magnolia: To the shops!

Olive/Timmit:  Shopping~!

Theme Song: *rock music plays*

Finding home in the belly of the beast, to make it home we can’t accept defeat, so roll the dice and come along with me, finding home in the belly of the beast

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Thank you so much for listening to Portal Quandary. Portal Quandary is made possible by the following people: Myself, Tyrone Cross as Dungeon Master, Community Manager, and Editor, Steven Edwards as Noah, Olive Jerome as Timothy and the Editing Assistant, Rosemary Ochtman as Lucille, and Jorja Odd as Magnolia. Elias Moffat is our Content Producer and Narrative Consultant, and Jemma Law is our transcriber. The theme song is Belly of the Beast by Lily Harnath and Henry Lucas, and if you need to contact us you can do so at portalquandary@gmail.com. You can find us on a lot of social media including our newly launched Patreon. So we’re on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, and now Patreon, all of which are @portalquandary. That’s Q-U-A-N-D-A-R-Y. We hope to see you there! This podcast was recorded on the lands of the Wurundjeri people, and produced on the lands of the Awabakal, Bunerong, and Wurundjeri people. Portal Quandary acknowledges and pays respect to our traditional custodians and to their past and present leaders. 

Theme Song: *rock music continues* 

Finding home in the belly of the beast, (in the belly of the beast), to make it home we can’t accept defeat, (there’s no turning back) so roll the dice and come along with me, (come along with me, let’s go), finding home in the belly of the beast.

Jorja/Magnolia: Scatter! And I run away.

*laughter*

Olive/Timmit: I like the idea that you literally just get on all fours and just hop through the woods and just disappear.

Steven/Noah: I like that you're the tallest character and you're crouched down to be like our height try and hide.

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah I'm just like army crawling…. the whole time you're talking I'm just running around in the background doing zigzags.

Steven/Noah: Wee! She’s doing zoomies!

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah!

All: AndI love you and I miss you. Huhhhh!