Episode 8: Lucille Von Goat

Lucille faces the consequences of her actions as our team ventures further into Theran. Noah struggles with the desert heat, and the party navigates the Astrotheran's den. There may or may not be magic mushrooms involved.

Content warnings for this week’s episode include coarse language and brief references to alcohol.

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Dungeon Master, Community Manager, and Editing is Tyrone Cross      

Noah is Steven Edwards

Timothy and Editing Assistant is Olive Jerome

Lucille is Rosemary Ochtman

Magnolia is Jorja Odd

Elias Moffat is our Content Producer and Narrative Consultant

Jemma Law is our Transcriber

Theme song is “Belly of The Beast” by Lily Harnath and Henry Lucas (@lilyharnath & @henrylucas5)

Email us at portalquandary@gmail.com 

Sound effects used in this episode include:

Dark Teleport - oldestmillenial 

cloud100000 - levelclearer

Insectobot Scanning - RICHERlandTV

Beating Wings - juskiddink

Synthetic Chipring- Owdeo

dawn6000002 - levelclearer
intro_DESERT2 - levelclearer

Fire - mmutua

This podcast was recorded on the lands of the Wurundjeri people and produced on the lands of the Awabakal, Bunerong, and Wurundjeri people. Portal Quandary acknowledges and pays respect to our traditional custodians and to their past and present leaders. 

The story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased) is intended or should be inferred.

Transcript

Olive/Timmit: Portal Quandary has some content warnings. You can find them in the episode description.

Tyrone/Onyx: Theran Field Report 2. Current status: behind target. Minimal obstacles. The base camp is coming along as expected, for the most part. The Exos mentioned in my first report have indeed proven easy to capture, and I believe they will be a viable source of food and supplies - should we determine appropriate containment measures for them. Their horns aid them in burrowing, which they have a great proclivity towards. We learned this the hard way. Something will need to be placed on the floor of their enclosures to prevent them from burrowing into the sand and escaping, or maybe we build a new enclosure entirely. You should expect the first lot of our remaining Exos shortly as we did manage to send some off to Lambence with our transport druids, before we discovered the aforementioned burrowing capability. Other than that, the oasis we have set camp around continues to be a reliable source of water and cooling. We are yet to encounter any aggressive Exos or Lustris, but have constructed a watch tower to keep guard in the event that any wander too close. There are occasional earthquakes; however, the sand absorbs the majority of the tremors, so, our camp isn’t affected in any significant way. It does, however, upset the Exos when they are burrowing, causing them to resurface, making for easy capture. The only other thing of note would be the pyramid structure in the distance. I have, for the time being, banned our current party from exploring in that direction, as I suspect it to be an Astrotheran den and we currently aren’t equipped to instigate a confrontation with one. We’ll keep a close eye on it, but, so far there has been no movement around or from within. I would almost assume it is a part of the natural landscape, and nothing of note, except to find a perfectly shaped pyramid in the wild where no artificial life inhabits... That can be only one thing. Thankfully, my scouting party has no room for fools. They keep well away from it, as any sensible fairy would do. I have no concerns for our current condition. Thus, conclude my status report. Signed, Watchman Onyx. 

Theme Song: *rock music plays*

Finding home in the belly of the beast, to make it home we can’t accept defeat, so roll the dice and come along with me, finding home in the belly of the beast

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Hiya, Tyrone here, your Dungeon Master, here to give a quick thank you for supporting us all the way to episode eight, and possibly asking for a little bit more support if I can pique your interest. We just launched our Patreon, which means that you can get access to awesome content in exchange for a little bit of financial support to help us make the podcast sound better, help make the content better, and so what are some of the awesome things that you can get access to if you show us your support?. So, I think the best thing, the most important thing, is access to bonus episodes, which is The Quiet Year. If you don’t know what The Quiet Year is, it’s a map making, tabletop game where you collaboratively draw a map based on cues on a card. So we’re doing that, based on the early days of the fairies in Prophis and when they first built the city of Lambence, so there’s a bit of lore in that one. There’s also things like ad free episodes because we started introducing ads. There’s also things like monster sheets, so perhaps you want to run a monster in one of your games at home. Feel free to steal the stat blocks off of us. Maybe you want to follow along as you listen to the battle episodes and see what it can do. Similarly, we’ve also got character sheets, so you can see what the character get at each level. See what’s up their sleeves. You can get things like early access, where we’ev already got episode nine up on Patreon. You can get access between one and four weeks early, depending on how quickly I can get on editing. But yeah, I won’t take up too much of your time, so please enjoy episode eight, titled Lucille Von Goat. 

[music]

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Welcome back to episode eight of Portal Quandary: Prophis. You guys have just run into some snakes. So get ready for some ssssslippery business.

Steven/Noah: Are these Australian snakes? ‘G’day cunt, how’s it going?’

ALL: **laughter*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And now, everyone can see, attached to their backs appears to be a cart of what appears to be goats?

Rosie/LUCILLE: Goats??

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Baaa.

Rosie/LUCILLE: Oh my god. Lucille is going to dart over to these goats and inspect them.

STEVEN/NOAH: Noah is just blinking furiously. Like, he does not understand.

ALL: *laughter*.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: These goats seem a bit like the ones you are used to. They are a bit bigger. It’s horns… think about a goat with curled, ram horns but instead it comes up in a double helix situation. Like a big drill above it.

Rosie/LUCILLE: Lucille’s gonna go up to one and try to do what she does with her goats at home. Where she will stroke their nose and then put her hand around their neck, and give them a stroke around that side, a little scratch behind the ear, and then she kneels down and then they poke her on the head with their nose, like a little nose kiss. She is going to try to do that to check if they are friendly goats.

Tyrone/Transporter: You just inspecting the cargo, now are ya’?

Rosie/LUCILLE: Yeah, I was told there were no goats here. 

Tyrone/Transporter: Is that what you call these things?

Rosie/LUCILLE: I think so? If you let me go ahead with my checking.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Roll an animal handling.

Rosie/LUCILLE: My animal handling is shit.

Steven/Noah:  Not even advantage on goats?

*dice rolls8

Rosie/LUCILLE: I got an eleven. *in a singsong voice*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: An eleven. These goats are a little bit more aggressive than what you are used to. They are going to try to hit you away with their drill horns. 

Rosie/LUCILLE: Okay. Alright. I am going to intimidate these goats by getting out my walking stick and being like, ‘Bad goat!’. And like, you know - What’s it called? Brandishing it. 

JORJA/MAGNOLIA: Can I cast, Speak With Animals, on myself?.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes. Rosie roll your intimation. And you can now speak with animals. 

*dice rolls*

Rosie/lucille: I got twenty? Do the goats listen to me now?

JORJA/MAGNOLIA: As she’s doing it, I am going to be like, “Please listen to her, she's a little bit crazy.”

Tyrone/GOAT: But she’s scary! 

ALL: *frightened goat noises*

Steven/Noah: [as a goat] Please keep her away!

Tyrone/GOAT: Do you know where we are going?

JORJA/MAGNOLIA: I don’t know where you are going. This is my first time here. She’ll be fine. She won’t hurt you. She just wants to look at you because she loves goats.

Steven/Noah:  [as a goat] Don’t let her touch me again!

Tyrone/Transporter: What’s going on back there? You guys checking out my cargo again? Please hands off - hands off the merch!

Rosie/lucille: I’m just going to look back to Magnolia and be like, “Are you talking to the goats right now?”

JORJA/MAGNOLIA: What are you talking about?

Tyrone/TRANSPORTER:  We are just gonna take them back to town.

JORJA/MAGNOLIA: Which town are you taking them to?

Tyrone/TRANSPORTER:  Lambence. What other town is there?

Rosie/lucille: What are you doing with them?

Tyrone/TRANSPORTER:  People gotta eat, right?

Rosie/lucille: You can't eat the goats! My god! I am going to attack.

ALL: Oh my god! Oh no! 

Rosie/lucille:  You can’t eat the goats!

ALL: Noooo! *shocked laughter*

Rosie/lucille: Can I ah, um. I am not going to hurt them. I am just going to take the goats.

Olive/Timmit: These poor snake boys!

Tyrone/GOAT: Did they say they were gonna eat us?

JORJA/MAGNOLIA: Umm, I don’t know. We’ll see.

STEVEN/Noah: [as a goat] We’re delicious.

JORJA/GOAT: [as a goat] Is that why they got us so fat?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: These snakes are gonna lay down, and then you can see them slowly stand up again but as they stand up they will transform into fairies. They’ll be like:

Tyrone/TRANSPORTER: Hey! Hey! Hands off. Look, ya’ know, this is what we do every time.

Rosie/lucille: You can’t eat the goats.

Tyrone/TRANSPORTER: But it is the food that we gotta bring back. It is what we do every time from Theran.

Rosie/lucille: Find new food.

Tyrone/TRANSPORTER: Are you one of those vegetarians?

Rosie/LUCILLE: Absolutely not. I love meat.

Tyrone/TRANSPORTER: Lookie here,maybe this isn’t a goat.  I don’t know what a goat is. But maybe this isn’t a goat.

OLIVE/Timmit: That is definitely a goat.

Rosie/LUCILLE: Looks pretty goaty to me. Has the same kinda smell.

JORJA/MAGNOLIA: I’m gonna be like, “So what are you guys?” to the goats.

Steven/Noah: [as a goat] Yeah, we are definitely goats!

ALL: *laughter*

JORJA/MAGNOLIA: I’m asking the goats, so what are you guys anyway? 

Tyrone/GOAT: They call us Exos. 

JORJA/MAGNOLIA: Okay. Cool.

Steven/Noah: Not gonna relay that. You’re like, yeah okay, cool.

Rosie/Lucille: I’m going - Alright, Luucielle is going to say, “Well you give me these goats or I am telling the king. I have had words with him this morning about a goat farm and he won’t be happy to hear you are killing them.” 

STEVEN/NOAH: Noah manufactures a mic. Just to drop it.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: They are picking up what you're putting down.

Tyrone/TRANSPORTER: No, no, no. What I mean, is that people need to eat. Is that it's gonna be a little pet attraction. Like a petting zoo.

Rosie/LUCILLE: Not a petting zoo!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: They are going to roll a deception

Rosie/LUCILLE: Oh! Alright! Okay! Time for deception.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: No I am rolling deception. You are rolling insight. 

Rosie/LUCILLE: I thought you said I was making a petting zoo. Oh, THEY are making a petting zoo, they’re NOT making a petting zoo.

Steven/Noah: They’re trying to deceive you, love.

*dice rolls*

Rosie/LUCILLE:  Ten.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah. I rolled a flat eleven.

Rosie/LUCILLE:  Awwh!

Tyrone/TRANSPORTER: Yeah.. It’s gonna go make a petting zoo. So we can uh, make some  money to feed the family. 

Rosie/LUCILLE: And I have to believe this?

Olive/Timmit: Could I make an insight check?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Whoever would like to make an insight check can. Rosie has already failed hers. 

*dice rolls*

STEVEN/NOAH: Fourteen.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: They are NOT making a petting zoo.

OLIVE/Timmit: Thirteen.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: They ARE making a petting zoo.

OLIVE/Timmit: Well, Timmit hates that.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: He hates that they are making a petting zoo?

OLIVE/Timmit: Oh, one hundred percent. He’d much rather that they eat the goats.. 

JORJA/MAGNOLIA: Twenty one.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: They ARE making a petting zoo.

Rosie/LUCILLE:  So what happens at this petting zoo. Just anyone can pet the goats? Just anyone?

Tyrone/TRANSPORTER: Yeah…

Rosie/LUCILLE: Oh. It’s a bit humiliating for them, don’t you think?

Tyrone/TRANSPORTER: They love it…!

Rosie/LUCILLE: I’m looking at the goats, like, ‘Do you?’

Steven/Noah: [as a goat] Nooo!

Tyrone/GOAT: As long as we are not eaten.

JORJA/MAGNOLIA: I’m just gonna step forward and be like, “We just met you, but we are here trying to help your city get people back. I don’t know why you are lying to us.”

Tyrone/TRANSPORTER:  Yeah. Who are you?

JORJA/MAGNOLIA: We are the four people NOT from your world trying to get your people back.

Tyrone/TRANSPORTER:  Three people. This one’s a fairy.

JORJA/MAGNOLIA:  She’s not from here though.

Rosie/LUCILLE:  Yeah, can’t you tell?

Tyrone/TRANSPORTER: What are we supposed to do with this cargo then? We just got ordered to take it back.

Rosie/LUCILLE:  I’ll take it off your hands.

Tyrone/DUNGEON MASTER: They’re gonna pull out a ruby. 

Steven/Noah: Yoink! Thopter

Jorja/Magnolia: Oh you guys got pre-thopters here.

Tyrone/TRANSPORTER: Yeahhhh, Oberon, I’ve gotten a woman here who says you have a deal about not eating the Exos. Does that sound about right to you?

Steven/Noah: *mumbling, mimicking chatter from the phone*

Tyrone/TRANSPORTER: Yeah, nah, he said that it’s for the food.

Rosie/LUCILLE: “Alright, well. I can see you’ve all been working hard. Why don’t I just take them off your hands for now. You go have a beer or whatever you drink here and I’ll take them back to the city…” Can I roll deception?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I don’t know if that is a deception. Even if they believe you, I don’t know.

Rosie/LUCILLE: Ohhh! But I want the goats. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Maybe persuasion.

Rosie/LUCILLE: Oh but that’s not as high… but okay. 

*dice rolls*

Rosie/LUCILLE: Thirteen.

Tyrone/TRANSPORTER: You know where to take them?

Rosie/LUCILLE: Yeah

Tyrone/TRANSPORTER:  Where?

Rosie/LUCILLE: Why do I have to tell you?

Tyrone/TRANSPORTER: ‘Cause we’re fellow workers. 

Rosie/LUCILLE:  Well first off, I’d take them to the king just to have them assessed and to make sure I am doing the right thing here. 

Tyrone/TRANSPORTER: Yeah, of course. 

Rosie/LUCILLE:  Yeah, I am sure you would do the same thing, right?

Tyrone/DRUID TRANSPORTER: And then you’ll meet with us afterwards for a cheeky beer.

Rosie/LUCILLE: Ah, yeah, once we have killed this thing and saved everyone, sure.

Tyrone/TRANSPORTER: Yeah, right.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: He’ll pass you the rope.

Rosie/LUCILLE: YES! Boys, we got some goats!

Stevvn/Noah: Several goats have joined the party.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: How long does Speak With Animals last?

JORJA/MAGNOLIA: Ten minutes.

Tyrone/GOAT: Please free us!

ALL: *laughter*

Steven/Noah: [as a goat] Just eat us

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It is like that episode of the Simpsons where she sees a little lamb and it is like, ‘Liiiiissaaa.’

Steven/Noah: Liiiisaaa don’t eat me.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: They are going to turn back into snakes and slither off towards the city.

OLIVE/Timmit: Oh! Just before they, I - URKK

Tyrone/transporter: Oh yeah what’s up?

OLIVE/Timmit: I just wanted to - URKK. Sorry. You - I can’t even look at you, I am so sorry. I just wanted to ask, have you seen anything out there? Like anything, kinda crazy or anything unusual? 

Tyrone/TRANSPORTER: Aw yeah, right near where the outpost is right where our homebase is at the moment. There is like a big pyramid thing over there. Onyx reckons that is where the Astro is.

OLIVE/Timmit: And which way was that, sorry?

Tyrone/TRANSPORTER: Aw just keep following the flags, you’ll get to the base.

OLIVE/Timmit: Ah okay, wonderful. Thank you, thank you very much.

STEVEN/NOAH: It was a good thing to follow the flags

Tyrone/TRANSPORTER: But you’re not going to the outpost are you? You’re gonna bring the goats back to Lambence?

Rosie/LUCILLE: Yes…

OLIVE/Timmit: I will cast Gift of Gab, so that the last six seconds of that  conversation are forgotten by both of them. And instead what they’ll say or what they’ll hear from myself is, “URRKKKK, Oh my god please can you just get out of here, you guys, UUURRKKKK!” And Timmy will turn in the opposite direction.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That’s a very generous six seconds. But I’ll give it to you.

OLIVE/Timmit: Close enough

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Closer to thirty seconds

OLIVE/Timmit: There’s a lot of people, who say a lot of things. TIme is weird.

Rosie/LUCILLE: Time is an illusion.

Steven/NOAH: Time is an illusion. It is such a social construct.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Uhhh what are you doing with these goats?

Rosie/LUCILLE: Keeping them!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: They are in a cart at the moment, that was being dragged along by two strong snakes.

Rosie/LUCILLE: Oh I am going to take them out of the cart to start with.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: They will run away and scatter. You all see the horns, they drill into the sand, and then they burrow. 

ALL: *laughter*

Rosie/LUCILLE: GOATS! NO I WAS GOING TO MAKE YOU MY FAMILY! 

Jorja/Magnolia: I just yell out: Good Luck my friends!

Steven/Noah: [as a goat} Goodbye!

Jorja/Magnolia: [as a goat] I always loved you!

Steven/Noah: [as a goat] We will always remember this!

Olive/Timmit: The goats will remember this.

Steven/Noah: That’s canon now. They will come back to save us.

Rosie/LUCILLE: This is so sad. For like a second I had goats. Now I have no goats…

JORJA/MAGNOLIA: I just lean over to Noah and I’m like, See I knew she was going to lose them at some point. And I knew that she was going to make a scene if we didn’t get them.

Steven/NOAH: Best of both worlds. I think you pulled it off. Well done.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Continuing along with the flags?

Rosie/LUCILLE: Yeah… But Lucille is pretty dejected now. 

Steven/NOAH: Comfort noms.

Rosie/LUCILLE: Yeah, and she’s like chewing on another choc chip biscuit. But not with the same energy, ya know.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Sad cronch. Following the flags for another few hours, this has taken up most of your day. It is sort of late afternoon now. You come to an outpost of sorts, there’s high wooden fences with high wooden watchtowers at each corner with a big gate. On the inside you can kind of see there is an oasis, and everyone can see this, not just Lucille this time. Off to the side you can see a sort of Mesoamerican pyramid, like the ones with the steps. And you hear a voice from atop the gates. 

Tyrone/ONYX: Ahhh my friends! Come! Come! Noah, you are looking well.

Steven/NOAH:  I look like shit.

ALL: *laughter*

Rosie/LUCILLE: That’s like a sick sarcastic comment at the guy who’s sick, like  ‘You’re looking good!’

Steven/NOAH: You look great!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And he flies down to come greet you, and it is Onyx. Timmit has no idea who this guy is. Yeah he’ll hold out a hand to shake Timmit’s hand actually.  He’ll give you a big bloke shake.

Tyrone/ONYX: I’m Onyx, Captain of the Perimeter watch. Nice to meet you.

OLIVE/Timmit: Oh lovely. Nice to meet you. I’m Timmit. I have magic. I am a lawyer by trade.

Tyrone/ONYX: Oh okay, that’s a weird thing to say in a first sentence.

OLIVE/Timmit: It’s been a long day.

Tyrone/ONYX: I guess you are here to see the Astrotheran, right?

Jorja/Magnolia: Ye-yeet!

Tyrone/ONYX: Yeah, I’m pretty sure it’s in that pyramid over there. We’ll help you out. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And before he can say anything else, you’ll hear a sound come from his pocket. It’s *sings default Nokia ringtone* And so, he’s going to pull out a ruby from his pocket and go:

Tyrone/ONYX: Ah, just a second… Oh actually, this one’s for you. It’s Cleary.

Tyrone/Cleary: Guys, how's it going? Are you okay?

jorja/Magnolia: Yes ma'am.

Rosie/LUCILLE: Are you expecting some goats?

Tyrone/Cleary: How many times do I have to tell you that we don’t have any goats?

Rosie/LUCILLE: Not goats. Burrowing goats,

Tyrone/Cleary: I don’t know what that is.

Rosie/LUCILLE: Don’t worry then.

Tyrone/Cleary: Anyway, I’ve got a favour to ask you. I forgot to ask you before you guys left.

Steven/NOAH: Another favour?

Tyrone/Cleary: Well, if you keep wanting free shit from me, you’re gonna do it.

Steven/NOAH: Fair enough.

Jorja/Magnolia: Good point.

Tyrone/Cleary: So there was this thing in Theran that Kyros got from me last time. It was magic mushrooms. So, last time he found them, he found them inside the Astrotheran den. These sort of golden mushrooms. You get me some of those and I’ll give you some free shit.

Rosie/LUCILLE: Oh, I’ve got some of those on my farm back home actually. You bring my goats here and I’ll bring the shrooms.

Tyrone/Cleary: Well you need to build a portal first for that to happen.

Rosie/LUCILLE: You got me.

OLIVE/Timmit:  How many is a few?

Tyrone/Cleary: Maybe a dozen. 

OLIVE/Timmit: That’s more than three.

Tyrone/Cleary: Is that what you would have thought?

OLIVE/Timmit: Well a few is three.

Jorja/Magnolia: A few is three or more. 

Steven/NOAH: Pretty sure she said a bunch.

Rosie/LUCILLE: Yeah Timmit.

Tyrone/Cleary: Alright, you can put me back on the phone to Onyx now. I’m done.

Jorja/Magnolia: Bye!

OLIVE/Timmit: Bye mum!

Jorja/Magnolia: I love you.

*laughter*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You can see Onyx talk away and talk to Cleary for a second, and then suddenly you’ll hear a:

Tyrone/ONYX: They did WHAT!?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: He’s going to hang up abruptly. He’s going to look at Lucille and come and grab her by the shoulders. 

Rosie/LUCILLE: Excuse me?

Tyrone/ONYX: Lucille, you are a guest in our country, and you will act as much. I just received word that you interrupted a transport of our Exos. Do you have anything to say about that?

Rosie/LUCILLE: What’s Exos?

Tyrone/ONYX: These goat creatures as you call them.

Rosie/LUCILLE: I don’t recall.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I’m going to roll an intimidation against you.

Rosie/LUCILLE: What do I roll?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I wanna say a charisma save. That sounds like the best.

*dice rolls*

Rosie/LUCILLE: Twenty-one.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Well I got a twenty-four.

Tyrone/ONYX: You want to play this game Lucille. Actually no, you’re not getting any more access to our supplies. No more weapons, no more armour, no more access to potions, anything. That’s it! I’m cutting you off.

Rosie/LUCILLE: Well you know what? I’m very happy with the ones that I’ve got, and in fact I’m going to be speaking to the king when we get back. 

Tyrone/ONYX: Lovely, and you can sleep somewhere else tonight. You don’t get access at all. You can go sleep in the sand for all I care.

Rosie/LUCILLE: You know what? I do that all the time on the farm with my goats. Not in a weird way.

Tyrone/ONYX: Get out of my sight. 

Rosie/LUCILLE: Lucille’s going to not walk away and just continue to stare him in the eyes.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You lost your intimidation roll girl.

Rosie/LUCILLE: Yeah, but that was a little bit ago now, right?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: He’ll look to the others now, and be like:

Tyrone/ONYX: Magnolia, I’m disappointed in you. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Oh!

Steven/NOAH: Oh that stings!

Jorja/Magnolia: *stammers* She just stammers for a minute solid.

Tyrone/ONYX: Noah I expected better of you.

Steven/NOAH: Remembering that I have heat stroke, *laughs maniacally*

Tyrone/ONYX: Timmit, this is the first time that I’ve met you, and I can’t believe you’ve done this.

OLIVE/Timmit: Just for the record, I’d like to say that I would have been more than happy not to have engaged with those creatures, and I’m terribly sorry for the circumstances in which we have to meet, but I must say that the outpost you have here is very lovely. Would you mind if we take a look around?

Tyrone/ONYX: Did you not hear me a second ago? I said get out of my sight. 

OLIVE/Timmit: Oh, my apologies. You meant all of us.

Tyrone/ONYX: Yes.

Steven/NOAH: *giggling* He’s so timid. Where are we going?

Tyrone/ONYX: You can bugger off to the pyramid for all I care.

Rosie/LUCILLE: No, but do you still want us to do all those things for you? Like get the essences or whatever.

Tyrone/ONYX: That’s for you. I’ve already told you countless times that Kyros is coming back for us. He’s already built us a machine. This quest you’re on is for you. Bugger off.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What are you doing?

Rosie/LUCILLE: That’s such an excellent question, Tyrone. I’m really glad that you asked that. I think that… Can Lucille…? No, I won’t do that. I was going to attack him.

Jorja/Magnolia: I knew it. I knew it!

OLIVE/Timmit: Can I just ask for some clarification. From where we are at this camp, can we see the pyramid? 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes.

Rosie/LUCILLE: Lucille’s going to turn to him and be like, “Alright, we’ll go then. We’ll go off into the wilderness, and we will do brilliantly without you”, and she’ll just turn around and walk away. She doesn’t know where she’s going, or which way is north or west or east or any of the directions, but she’s just kind of walking, and hoping that everyone’s following.

Jorja/Magnolia: North or west or east. All of the directions. It was only south that you forgot. 

Rosie/LUCILLE: I thought I said south.

Jorja/Magnolia: I don’t think that you did. 

Rosie/LUCILLE: Ah, Lucille’s going to realise that she’s not going towards the pyramid, but is in fact going in the wrong direction because she can’t see the pyramid, and turn around. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: As you stand there, kind of wondering what to do, you see some tumbleweeds fly by. Anyone who cares to roll me a nature check.

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah, I’m on it.

OLIVE/Timmit: Yeah, I want to.

Rosie/LUCILLE: I love rolling dice.

*dice rolls*

Rosie/LUCILLE: Nat twenty mate.

Jorja/Magnolia: I got a natural nineteen, for nineteen. 

OLIVE/Timmit: I got a fifteen.

Steven/NOAH: I have heatstroke.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh yeah, you have disadvantage on those rolls Noah.

*dice rolls*

Steven/NOAH: I got a one. I didn’t have a one and now I have a one.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Everyone except Noah, I’m so sorry Noah, you recognise the tumbleweeds as they go past because they remind you of the aetherbloom reeds. They are big clumps of aetherbloom reeds. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Are they bloomed?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: No. 

Steven/NOAH: *singing* Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Jesus christ. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What’s the planio guys? Wait, is Lucille going towards the pyramid or away? I didn’t get the answer in the end.

Rosie/LUCILLE: She chucked a u-ey and she’s going towards the pyramid. Not really looking back because she’s too proud and she’s marching onwards.

OLIVE/Timmit: I was going to say, I was looking forward to sleeping in a bed tonight. I guess that way then?

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah, I mean at least it’s not sand.

OLIVE/Timmit: I hate sand.

OLIVE/Timmit + Steven/Noah: It’s course and rough and irritating.

Jorja/Magnolia: Okay Anakin.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Anyone following?

Jorja/Magnolia: I’m going to wait for the others to leave, and then… Is he anywhere within earshot?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: He’s gone back into the centre of the camp now. He’s just giving orders to the people because he has to make an express delivery of Exos.

Jorja/Magnolia: Okay, I’ll just keep going. Follow Lucille. What could possibly go wrong? 

Steven/NOAH: I guess I’ll donk Skittles on the head twice and be like, “Off you go. Follow”. And then he’ll scurry along. I’m on him by the way. 

*Skittles beeps*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Just heading towards the pyramid? The closer you get to this pyramid, the larger you realise it is. It is the size of a skyscraper is your closest reference from the real world, and it has steps leading to a little door at the top.

Steven/NOAH: Is it made of stone and wood and stuff?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Made of sandstone, yes. It’s very Mesoamerican, so it’s got these steps leading up. It’s not very Egyptian.

Steven/NOAH: I’ve got heatstroke. 

OLIVE/Timmit: Speaking of heatstroke. “Is this something that we really want to be doing right now with everything that’s going on with” and I’ll just gesture towards the small gentleman riding on the back of a-

Jorja/Magnolia: His last robots worked really well, so I think it will be fine.

OLIVE/Timmit: Okay. Alright. Cool.

Jorja/Magnolia:  I just don’t assume that you’re talking about Noah because I’m just like, ‘Yeah he’ll get it. He’ll be fine. Must be talking about the weird robot that he just created.’

Steven/NOAH: *singing* Soft kitty, warm kitty.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: As Timmit is having hesitations about this, you feel a little earth tremor beneath you. Like a two on the Richter scale. 

Rosie/LUCILLE: Lucille’s flying so she wouldn’t feel this.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: No, you can sort of see the pyramid shake a little bit.

Steven/NOAH: And Skittles has really good suspension. I don’t feel a thing. 

Jorja/Magnolia: He’s got that gyro centre.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Heading in?

Rosie/LUCILLE: Heading in? Don’t I have to climb it?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, are you going to climb it?

Rosie/LUCILLE: I’m going to fly it. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Fuck everyone else I guess.

Rosie/LUCILLE: Lucille grumpy.

Jorja/Magnolia: It’s your own fault.

Rosie/LUCILLE: No, the poor little goats, they were going to eat them. You can’t just eat goats.

Jorja/Magnolia:  You absolutely can.

Rosie/LUCILLE: Absolutely not.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What was this about Lucille making marshmallows out of hooves?

Rosie/LUCILLE: Alright, but that’s only when the goats have already died of natural causes and we don’t want to waste the resources. By ‘we’ I mean ‘me’.

Steven/NOAH: Marshmallows are so fluffy.

Rosie/LUCILLE: Oh, you should try the goat hoof ones mate. They’re something else.

Steven/NOAH: Whaaat?

OLIVE/Timmit: I’d just like to point out that they weren’t goats.

Rosie/LUCILLE: “Timmit, you’re right, but I don’t have goats here , and I have to cling onto hope that there’s going to be goats somewhere or I don’t know what to do.” Lucille’s having a moment. This didn’t sit well with her.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Lucille’s not used to people yelling back at her. She’s like, ‘Usually I’m the intimidating one’.

Rosie/LUCILLE: Yeah, she’s usually the one yelling, so this is lie, ‘Oof. Oh no’.

OLIVE/Timmit: Got so real so quick.

Jorja/Magnolia:  I just start walking up the steps real awkwardly. I’m like, ‘I can’t deal with that’. 

Steven/NOAH: I refuse to touch you because I don’t like people, but would you like a hug from Honey Boo Boo?

Rosie/LUCILLE: Lucille’s going to look at Honey Boo Boo and be like, “Can I just have a little hug?”

Steven/NOAH: Just the soulless eyes of this buzzing machine. 

OLIVE/Timmit: Let’s move on. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Alright, heading up the stairs. Reaching the top of the pyramid, you feel the sandy wind blowing past your hair, and you eventually reach a door that has an inscription that kind of reminds you of Egyptian hieroglyphics. Particularly of the goddess Isis. She tends to have those little wing things. As she put her arms out, she’s got little wings draping from her arm. Do you enter?

Rosie/LUCILLE: Is it locked? Or open?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The door is unlocked but closed. 

Rosie/LUCILLE: Well I’m entering. 

Jorja/Magnolia:  I was about to ask if it was trapped, but that will answer my questions anyway. I’m gonna step back.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You open the door and it is a black room inside. It is very dark inside. 

Rosie/LUCILLE: Alright, well I'm just going to walk on in. Yeah.

OLIVE/Timmit: Anything inside?

Rosie/LUCILLE: Just give me a sec. Lucille’s going to use a cantrip. Oh, Lucille’s going to light a fire in her hands.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: As you light up the flames in your hands, you see this statue right in front of you, also resembling the same sort of insignia that was on the door. So, it’s a large fairy woman with these elegant, feather-like wings. And you look again and there’s another one. They’re sort of facing each other in the centre of the room.

Rosie/LUCILLE: Guys, I think it’s safe. There’s just a couple of statues here. Come on in. No problems at all.

Jorja/Magnolia: Okay. I walk on in. I can’t see shit so…

OLIVE/Timmit: I’ll cast my own fire with Produce Flame and walk on in as well. 

Steven/NOAH: I’m gonna knock on a rock, and it’ll just light up.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Just knock off a bit of the pyramid.

Steven/NOAH: No, a rock in my pocket. I’ve gotta knock on it to-

Rosie/LUCILLE: Did you already have the rock in your pocket.

Steven/NOAH: Yeah.

Rosie/LUCILLE: Nice.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: True, I think you’ve been holding onto that same rock for a while.

OLIVE/Timmit: I much prefer the image of just strolling into a pyramid and plucking a bit of the rock out of the wall and being like, ‘Ooo light’.

Jorja/Magnolia: I just walk over Lucille’s light. Just stand by her.

Rosie/LUCILLE: Ooo, Magnolia.

Steven/NOAH: I’m just going to pull out a second rock and be like, “Magnolia, do you want this one?”

Jorja/Magnolia: “Okay, thank you!” I still stand next to Lucille. 

Steven/NOAH: I’m going to realise that I accidentally gave her the one that says ‘Ka-kaw’.

Jorja/Magnolia: Fuck.

Steven/NOAH: And it’s just going to yell really, really loudly. 

nathan/Hymnbo: Ka-kaw!

OLIVE/Timmit: Well if there’s anything home, it knows we’re here now. 

Jorja/Magnolia: I just stare at him like, “Umm, that wasn’t me”

Steven/NOAH: Oh, whoops! I gave you the wrong rock. Sorry! Here, let me swap you. Here, this one lights up.

Jorja/Magnolia: Thank you.

Steven/NOAH: You’re welcome.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: After Noah enters, as he’s the last one to enter, the door closes behind him and torches light up all around the room.

[music]

POTIONS AND POTPOURRI AD READ: Hello fellow D&D and TTRPG Nerds. This is Kala from the Potions and Potpourri podcast. Myself and my co host Keisha are just two gal pals who like to hang out and have casual conversations about Dungeons & Dragons and other TTRPGs. Our show is loosely formatted but we like to talk about a variety of topics relating to Dungeons & Dragons and TTRPGS in general. Plus we do the occasional live play. We interview guests from the TTRPG space, and we also do improv creations where we make things up on the fly together. We give lots of tips and tricks. As Keisha is our resident DM, and Kala is a forever player. So if you are new to the Dungeons & Dragons or TTRPG realm, or if you’ve been part of this realm and want to learn some new tips and tricks, or if you just want to listen to some goofy gals. Come find us wherever you get your podcasts. Potions and Potpourri! 

[music]

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I now refer you to the map on the table I left for you guys. I made a little map for everybody. Of course we’re in audio format, so don’t rely to heavily on it, but I figured I should make a map because the last time we were in a den we didn’t have a map, and I regretted that decision. 

Steven/NOAH: We drew beautiful maps in our notebooks. It worked perfectly. 

Jorja/Magnolia: I definitely didn’t draw it three times and still get it wrong. 

Rosie/LUCILLE: And I had no idea what was going on.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, what you find yourselves in now is a small room about thirty by fifty feet. It’s got these two statues in the middle facing each other. That’s what that sword and shield icon is, and then there’s a little tunnel leading off to your left, and on the other side is just another door against the wall. That little yellow thing in the corner is a golden mushroom. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Yoink!

OLIVE/Timmit: “Wait! Woah, woah, woah. Just hold on a second now. Just wait a minute.” Can I take a look around the room? Just to investigate to see if there are traps.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Alright, roll me an investigation.

*dice rolls*

OLIVE/Timmit: Twenty-two.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Holy shit, alright. What you find is, there is a little lever down the hallway to the left, just in front of that door. So this lever seems to activate both doors.

Steven/NOAH: How do you figure that? That’s one hell of an investigation.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: He got a twenty-two. 

OLIVE/Timmit: Well I’ll just carefully place my hands on it, and just pull the lever-

Rosie/LUCILLE: Kronk!

OLIVE/Timmit: If you steal another one of my goddamn jokes, I’ll have to murder you.

Rosie/LUCILLE: You see the problem is that I wasn’t sure that you were going to say Kronk or not, and I was like, ‘What if he’s not going to say it? Oh no!’ So I just had to jump on in there.

OLIVE/Timmit: I was pausing for dramatic effect. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: This is very important right now. Where is everyone standing?

Steven/NOAH: Wrong lever!

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah, I’m not allowed to touch shit, but you are? What the fuck! I’m next to the mushrooms.

Rosie/LUCILLE: I’m also standing next to the mushrooms because they remind me of home.

Steven/NOAH: I was the last one in the door, so I didn’t move. I’m just in the door.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, Timmit. Both doors open, so the one next to you and the one on the opposite side of the room. The one on the opposite side of the room, a large Indiana Jones style boulder comes rolling towards you.

Jorja/Magnolia: Oh, get wrecked. Suck it idiot! I’m in the corner, I’m chill.

Steven/NOAH: I am most certainly not chill. I’m quite hot, but I’m safe.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Everyone else is safe assuming they don’t move. Timmit is not. He will probably get squished.

OLIVE/Timmit: How fast is this boulder?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s taking up a ten by ten square, so it’s going to move thirty feet per turn. So thirty feet every six seconds.

OLIVE/Timmit: As soon as I see the boulder I will cast Longstrider on myself, and then move forty feet back up into the room, and just duck out of the way as the boulder flies past me. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You make it just in time, and the door that opened up, it had a curved edge to the floor, and so the boulder keeps rolling around the corner.

Rosie/LUCILLE: Do we all see the boulder?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Definitely. It is very large and in charge.

Rosie/LUCILLE: Nice. 

OLIVE/Timmit: Just lean up against the statue. *panting* 

Steven/NOAH: Damn, was that a boulder?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You hear it collide with something around the corner in the distance. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Damn that sucks bro. I’m just going to lean down while staring Timmit in the eyes and pick up a mushroom.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I need you to roll a constitution saving throw.

*dice rolls*

Jorja/Magnolia: Fifteen. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You have saved, and you have one mushroom.

Jorja/Magnolia: No boulder huh?

OLIVE/Timmit: What was that?

Jorja/Magnolia: Nothing.

OLIVE/Timmit: There was a boulder though.

Jorja/Magnolia: Not from what I did though.

OLIVE/Timmit: No, you just have a mushroom. Well done.

Rosie/LUCILLE: He doesn’t have much-room (mush-room).

Jorja/Magnolia: Yes I do. I’ve got a bag, and I just put it in. I’ve got so much room. 

Rosie/LUCILLE: Yo guys, we should follow that boulder. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: *Margaret imitation* Guys, we should head over to that boulder over there. *regular voice* You guys heading around the corner?

Rosie/LUCILLE: Well yeah, Lucille wants to follow the boulder. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Magnolia wants to follow Lucille. 

Steven/NOAH: Noah doesn’t want to get left behind. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Are you still on the back of Skittles?

Steven/NOAH: Of course. That’s how I roll.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Alright, heading up the- Oh wait, Timmit, are you following?

OLIVE/Timmit: I want to take a look at the room where the boulder came from.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Sure. This room is a ten by ten room. It looks like it was designed for this sphere to fit perfectly inside it. That’s what this room is designed for.

OLIVE/Timmit: Neat. Alright I’ll follow.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Heading around the corner you find a bunch of little alcoves, which might have been used to hide in if you decided to run in the other direction. 

Rosie/LUCILLE: Question, what’s an alcove?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Like a little nook. Just like a-

Steven/NOAH: A nook or a cranny.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And that little bit you can see on the map, you can see the ten by ten space beside the doorway. That’s now blocked by that boulder. You cannot see a way forward currently.

Rosie/LUCILLE: Do we notice the mushrooms that I can see on the map?

Jorja/Magnolia: Do you look in the nook?

Rosie/LUCILLE: Lucille often looks in nooks.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Depends, not at a glance.

Jorja/Magnolia: So how wide is the boulder?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Ten foot by ten foot. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Is the hallway ten foot?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Correct. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Can I just walk up to the boulder and see if I can roll it backwards?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Roll a strength check.

*dice rolls*

Jorja/Magnolia: I got a twenty-one. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Shit. You can sort of get it moving backwards; however, the floor is ramped down towards that way, so you can’t really sustain it too long. You can move it but it just rolls back down. 

Rosie/LUCILLE: Is there a gap at the top of it? Or it it blocking the whole passage?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I’ll say maybe the small character might be able to fit through with some sort of check, but it wouldn’t be possible for Magnolia.

Rosie/LUCILLE: ‘Cause if it's not a perfect seal, Lucille could fly through a crack. 

Steven/NOAH: What about some kind of thopter?

Rosie/LUCILLE: Ooo, would you happen to have some kind of thopter around?

Steven/NOAH: I don’t know, I’m off my tits right now. I don’t know anything. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: They are tiny constructs so they could fit through. 

Rosie/LUCILLE: Well could Lucille fly around and find a tiny crack to fly through?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I want you to do a skill check of some description, but I can’t think of what fits best.

Rosie/LUCILLE: Athletics?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, I think that’s the best bet. I think something like athletics.

Rosie/LUCILLE: I mean acrobatics is better for me, but I’ll do athletics.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Athletics please. 

*dice roll*

Rosie/LUCILLE: Thirteen.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You are a small creature, but unfortunately you are not that small. You can see a small gap that possibly a little thopter could fit through, but you cannot fit through it.

Rosie/LUCILLE: Oi Noah, you got one of those little bees around?

Steven/NOAH: If you call them by their proper names, yes.

Rosie/LUCILLE: Thopter? Honey Boo Boo?

Steven/NOAH: That’s one of them, yes.

Rosie/LUCILLE: And the other one.

Steven/NOAH: All the single ladies?

OLIVE/Timmit: Rosemary doesn’t know pop culture. She’s never gonna get it.

Jorja/Magnolia: I thought she might know Beyonce!

Rosie/LUCILLE: Beyonce! Beeyonce! Obviously, Beeyonce. Yep.

Jorja/Magnolia: Cut it so that she knew.

Steven/NOAH: Umm yeah, they’re just chilling. Why? What’s up?

Rosie/LUCILLE: You reckon we could sacrifice them?

Steven/NOAH: No.

Rosie/LUCILLE: Well not sacrifice, but if- There’s a little hole they could fly through. I don’t know what’s on the other side, but it can’t be that bad.

Steven/NOAH: Yeah alright. Sounds logical. Let’s do it. Honey Boo Boo because she’s expendable.

Jorja/Magnolia: Oof.

Steven/NOAH: It’s okay, she knows it. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah, we all know that.

Steven/NOAH: What roll is she doing?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: She doesn’t need to do any roll. She can get through. What would you like her to do?

Steven/NOAH: I guess… I’m delirious right now. I don’t have any ideas. I’m just doing what I’m told. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Can she push the boulder? For like, ten feet?

Steven/NOAH: The tiny construct? She’s jacked!

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah maybe.

Rosie/LUCILLE: Can she go look to see if there’s any people back there who will help us?

Steven/NOAH: “Sure. Honey Boo Boo can you go through the hole to the other side, and if you see anything that is alive, can you come back and boop Lucille on the shoulder, but if there is no sign of life…” I need to rephrase that because there could be mushrooms on the other side. “No signs of intelligent life, can you boop Magnolia instead?”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Alright, she’s gonna fly through the gap and have a little looksie around. You’ll hear some scanning noises. You’re going to hear a little switch trigger. You’re going to hear what sounds like fire burning in the next room. 

Rosie/LUCILLE: Did I just kill Honey Boo Boo?

Steven/NOAH: Honey Boo Boo, you dumb bitch.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And she comes back, and Honey Boo Boo boops Magnolia on the shoulder. 

Steven/NOAH: Well yeah, everythings on fire. 

Jorja/Magnolia: If there was life it’s now dead.

Steven/NOAH: It’s now dead. “You guys smell ham?”

Rosie/LUCILLE: Not ham but something.

OLIVE/Timmit: Just make sure that it’s definitely ham because if it’s toast you really need to let us know.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Would anyone like to roll me an investigation check please?

OLIVE/Timmit: Yeah alright.

Rosie/LUCILLE: I would love nothing more.

*dice rolls*

Rosie/LUCILLE: I got a fourteen.

Jorja/Magnolia: I got a natural twenty with my zero intelligence.

OLIVE/Timmit: I only got a ten.

Steven/NOAH: Fourteen.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Sorry Noah. You have disadvantage on this roll as well. 

Steven/NOAH: Oh apologies.

*dice rolls*

Steven/NOAH: Yeah still fourteen.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh damn.

Steven/NOAH: Would have been twenty-four.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Magnolia, you’re checking around these alcoves, having a look. First things first, you find another golden mushroom by one of the alcoves. Then in the other alcoves you discover that if you lean against the wall, the wall gives way and it can act like a door.

Jorja/Magnolia: Woah, cool. “I think I figured it out.”

OLIVE/Timmit: Figured what out?

Jorja/Magnolia: The current issue that we’re facing.

OLIVE/Timmit: Oh you mean the boulder.

Jorja/Magnolia: Yes, the current issue that we’re facing. 

OLIVE/Timmit: Right.

Jorja/Magnolia: I think I figured it out.

Rosie/LUCILLE: We push it?

Jorja/Magnolia: No.

OLIVE/Timmit: No, we have to pull it obviously.

Jorja/Magnolia: No, there’s a door here. 

OLIVE/Timmit: Oh.

Rosie/LUCILLE: Oh.

Jorja/Magnolia: “Yeah, I’m just going to grab this mushroom real quick though”. I’m gonna go grab it.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Roll me another con save please.

*dice rolls*

Jorja/Magnolia: Eighteen.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You save once again.

Jorja/Magnolia: This is going to kill me. Because now I think it’s safe. Okay I yoink up a mushroom, put it in my nag, then stroll through the door. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You sure can.

Rosie/LUCILLE: Lucille’s gonna hurriedly follow Magnolia because she’s a bit worried that the door will slam closed, and she will have lost Magnolia forever.

Jorja/Magnolia: Never.

Steven/NOAH: Gay.

Jorja/Magnolia: Ya!

Rosie/LUCILLE: Ya!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You come into this new room here. It’s relatively cramped compared to the other one. Finding another one of those statues who is currently facing a door. Other than that, it seems pretty chill here. 

Steven/NOAH: I have disadvantage on life. You guys go.

Rosie/LUCILLE: Well Lucille’s kind of interested in these mushrooms. Are there any mushrooms around?

Steven/NOAH: No. 

Rosie/LUCILLE: What’s that then?

OLIVE/Timmit: Yeah, what’s that then?

Rosie/LUCILLE: Yeah, there’s a little yellow dot there though Tyrone.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I can’t see shit on my photo.

Steven/NOAH: We missed one in the other room too. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Ah yeah, there’s one hiding there.

Jorja/Magnolia: Can I grab that?

Rosie/LUCILLE: Wait, I want to grab this one. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah, I’ll get the other alcove one.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Both of you roll me a con save then.

Steven/NOAH: We have robots for this shit, but yep, you guys keep grabbing mushrooms.

*dice rolls*

Jorja/Magnolia: I got seventeen. It hasn’t failed yet. As far as I’m aware it’s safe.

Rosie/LUCILLE: I got eight.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Lucille, roll me a d100 please.

*dice rolls*

Rosie/LUCILLE: I got twenty.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, we’ve rolled on the wild magic table here. You have cast Grease centred on yourself. I’m about to find out what that does.

OLIVE/Timmit: I can tell you.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Please tell me our wonderful resident wizard.

OLIVE/Timmit: ‘Slick grease covers the ground in a ten foot square centred on a point within range,’ which would be yourself due to the wild magic, ‘and turns it into difficult terrain for the duration. When the grease appears, each creature standing in the area must succeed on a dexterity saving throw or fall prone.’ That would pretty much be all of us, wouldn’t it?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah I believe so. Everyone roll a dex save.

Steven/NOAH: I better not fall off Skittles.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It should be Skittles that rolls then.

Steven/NOAH: Yeah no, I’m going to roll Skittles. I’m not standing in oil. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It means that you don’t have disadvantage on it.

Steven/NOAH: Yay!

Rosie/LUCILLE: You are all so welcome.

*dice rolls*

Jorja/Magnolia: Nineteen.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’re okay for now.

Rosie/LUCILLE: I got twenty-four! Am I not dead?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’re safe.

OLIVE/Timmit: Ten.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You have fallen prone my guy. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Kick him while he’s down!

Rosie/LUCILLE: What does that mean though? Fallen prone? 

Jorja/Magnolia: So basically, you fall over so that you’re laying down, you’re not up on your feet. In combat it means that melee attacks have advantage against you, so if someone’s standing next to you and hits you, they get advantage. If someone’s shooting you from a distance then it’s disadvantage, and it also takes half of your movement to stand back up.

Rosie/LUCILLE: Fun. 

Steven/NOAH: Skittles rolled a twenty-one.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Everyone is fine except Timmit who has fallen and hurt himself.

OLIVE/Timmit: *pained noises*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So what we see is the little magic mushroom, as soon as Lucille picks it up, just grease erupts from the mushrooms all around them and Timmit falls over.

Jorja/Magnolia: It’s probably fine, we can move on. Is the mushroom okay? Is it still a mushroom? 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s still a mushroom.

Rosie/LUCILLE: Ooo interesting. Lucille feels a bit bad about Timmit, so she’s going to walk over to him - well fly over to him - and hold her hand out to help him up, which isn’t very helpful because she’s a fairy but you know.

Jorja/Magnolia: I follow behind her. Just like, “Help?”

OLIVE/Timmit: “Thank you. I appreciate it”. I hold my hand out.

Jorja/Magnolia: I grab his wrist and pull him up like a carrot out of the ground. 

Steven/NOAH: Like a carrot.

*laughter*

Jorja/Magnolia: You know when you pull it from the earth?

Rosie/LUCILLE: Yeah.

OLIVE/Timmit: Just because I’m a ginger doesn’t mean that you can…

Jorja/Magnolia: No, its because I’m a rabbit. I’m full of a room of idiots. You don’t understand my humour. It is beyond you.

Steven/NOAH: *singing* Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur*

Rosie/LUCILLE: So, this is probably a bad idea, but these mushrooms look the exact same as the ones that Lucille harvests on her farm and eats for fun, so Lucille wants to give eating this one a go.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’re going to eat it?

Rosie/LUCILLE: Yeah Lucille’s gonna eat the mushroom. Yeah, she’s gonna do it. She’s just going to pop it into her mouth and eat it, you know?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay.

Rosie/LUCILLE: Is it chill? Do I die?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s okay. It tastes real greasy, kind of gross, but nothing bad happens.

Rosie/LUCILLE: Alright cool. “Would you guys want a mushroom? I mean I ate that one but we can find more”

Jorja/Magnolia: We need enough for Cleary first and then you can eat as many as you want.

Rosie/LUCILLE: Oh, I forgot about that. 

Steven/NOAH: Can I have a mushroom?

Rosie/LUCILLE: Yeah! Oh, I ate it sorry.

Jorja/Magnolia: I’ll give Noah a mushroom.

Steven/NOAH: He’s so happy, he’s going to eat it. Nom. 

OLIVE/Timmit: Guys. *sigh* It’s fine.

Jorja/Magnolia: He’s sick.

Steven/NOAH: Timmit looks sad. Maybe you should give him a mushroom too.

Jorja/Magnolia: That’s what I think, Timmit wants a mushroom too.

OLIVE/Timmit: I don’t want a mushroom. I want people to stop being upset with us.

Rosie/LUCILLE: These are mushrooms. They can’t be upset with us.

Steven/NOAH: Who’s upset with us? Who hurt you?

OLIVE/Timmit: Onyx is upset with us, and I only just met that man today. 

Rosie/LUCILLE: Don’t worry about Onyx. He’ll come ‘round. We’ve known him for years.

Steven/NOAH: Daddy yells sometimes. It’s fine.

Rosie/LUCILLE: But we love it. 

Jorja/Magnolia: I hate this conversation. 

OLIVE/Timmit: Just the sourest contemplative look just over Lucille as Timmit tries to let his hair show how angry he is, and in this moment he turns around and looks at the statue, and I’d like to roll an investigation on it please. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Before that I would love for Noah to roll a constitution saving throw. You shouldn’t have disadvantage on saving throws. I think it’s only ability checks. 

Steven/NOAH: I was going to say. ‘Do I have disadvantage on this one’?

*dice rolls*

Steven/NOAH: Six. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Noah, would you care to roll a d100 for me please. 

*dice rolls*

Steven/NOAH: Twenty-three.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Your skin turns a vibrant shade of blue. Only a Remove Curse spell can end this effect.

Steven/NOAH: Slay. “Okay guys, I really don’t feel very well. I think I’m blue.”

OLIVE/Timmit: Yeah, it’s very radiant. 

Rosie/LUCILLE: You are, but it’s a good look.

Jorja/Magnolia: You look sick. 

OLIVE/Timmit: Yeah.

Steven/NOAH: Wait, you guys can see it too?

Rosie/LUCILLE: Yeah.

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah.

Steven/NOAH: Okay, that’s fine.

OLIVE/Timmit: Okay.

Rosie/LUCILLE: You know, we’re in fairy land.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I’ll allow you to pick what shade of blue if you’d like Noah.

Steven/NOAH: Cerulean.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I’m picturing a smurf at the moment because you’re a gnome as well.

Steven/NOAH: I’m Papa Smurf!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You can roll an investigation check now if you’d like. RIP Noah.

*dice rolls*

OLIVE/Timmit: Umm, there’s a door here, but how do we get through?

Rosie/LUCILLE: Have you tried turning the knob?

OLIVE/Timmit: Is there a knob?

Rosie/LUCILLE: Is there a knob?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Na, it’s like all the other doors, there’s just a push.

Jorja/Magnolia: I push it.

OLIVE/Timmit: As soon as she goes to push it my mind clicks, and I’d like to hold a Control Flames centred around a five foot radius around Magnolia. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: A five foot radius around Magnolia?

OLIVE/Timmit: Yes.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’re very fucking lucky you did that; however, from the statue, flames come from their mouth towards the door. Magnolia, you are okay; however, grease has been spilled all over the floor, and so far the rest of the room has erupted in flames unless Timmit has an answer.

Steven/NOAH: I was waiting for that.

Rosie/LUCILLE: Are we on fire?

OLIVE/Timmit: Has it been longer than a minute since the grease was cast?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I think it was on the cusp of a minute is what I’m picturing.

Steven/NOAH: I mean, I’m going to cast Absorb Element on myself.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’re going to cast Absorb Element?

Steven/NOAH: Yeah.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What does that manifest as for Noah?

Steven/NOAH: I guess it’s kind of like the reverse of Din’s Fire. Instead of fire starting from him and erupting outwards, it’s fire that around him that sort of goes in towards him, and disappears since it gets close. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes.

Steven/NOAH: Sorry, it says, ‘Lessening its effect on you’. So I can’t…

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It should be okay since it dissipated immediately. You guys have solved my fire puzzle. Congrats. 

Steven/NOAH: Yeah!

OLIVE/Timmit: Woo!

Rosie/LUCILLE: Woah. We all did that as a team.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The next room is a relatively small room. It’s just a set of stairs leading down to another door. On either side is about thirty mushrooms. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Hold- Hold on, okay? Hold on. I’m going to get the amount that we need first.

Rosie/LUCILLE: I’m just so hungry. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Maybe stand back because it seems like some shit happens sometimes.

Steven/NOAH: It just makes you blue. It’s fine.

Rosie/LUCILLE: We could be the blue squad.

OLIVE/Timmit: Do you think it could possibly be the fact that it’s us picking them, or do you think that…? I don’t know if you guys know this, but I have this- How do I explain this? I have this person I have that I can bring out. They’re not real, but they can do certain things. So, do you think if that person could pick up the mushrooms, if it would have the same blue effect?

Rosie/LUCILLE: But if the person isn’t real, how are they going to pick up the mushrooms?

OLIVE/Timmit: They can still pick things up. They can touch things.

Rosie/LUCILLE: “But they’re in your head?” Lucille does not get it. 

OLIVE/Timmit: They’re in my head, but they’re a projection of me.

Rosie/LUCILLE: She’s gonna nod like, ‘Yeah, na, I get you. Yeah I get it’. She doesn’t get it.

*laughter*

Jorja/Magnolia: We can try. I’ll just stand by with my bag open because I think if you pass it from person to person that it still goes off because I already picked that one that made you blue, so.

Steven/NOAH: I look nice blue. 

Jorja/Magnolia: You do. You look beautiful.

Steven/NOAH: Thank you.

Jorja/Magnolia: So I’ll just hold this open and we’ll try it one and see what happens, I guess.

OLIVE/Timmit: “Okay, yeah, no, sounds good.” I’ll just rub my hands together and then I’ll reach forward in my mind to pick the mushrooms, and instead Margaret will be leaning down picking the mushrooms.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Does Margaret have a constitution saving throw?

OLIVE/Timmit: Margaret has an AC of ten, one hit points, and a strength of two, and it can’t attack, and that is it.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Can you please roll me a constitution saving throw for her using your stats?

Jorja/Magnolia: His con or his spell…? Because there’s a spell casting modifier that could be used in place of con.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, let’s do that. If you roll me a spell casting modifier roll. 

OLIVE/Timmit: Okay.

*dice rolls*

OLIVE/Timmit: Twenty-three.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I’ll make that a collective. We won’t do it for every mushroom that she picks. So she has succeeded. 

OLIVE/Timmit: Yes!

Jorja/Magnolia: So all thirty?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: If you want thirty mushrooms.

Jorja/Magnolia: I do.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: This is why you wanted a bag of holding, isn’t it?

Jorja/Magnolia: This is exactly why I wanted a bag of holding. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’re very lucky because some of those wild magic effects also target other people still.

Jorja/Magnolia: There’s one that’s you cast Fireball at your feet.

Tyrone/Margaret: Yeah, what’d you call me for? 

OLIVE/Timmit: Oh hello Margaret. Thank you so much. We’re just having a little bit of strife with these mushrooms and I was just wondering if you wouldn’t mind picking them up so we can make a nice little arrangement for later. 

Tyrone/Margaret: Alright, but you know the drill. You’ve gotta owe me an extra apple and cinnamon muffin later.

OLIVE/Timmit: “Yeah of course. Absolutely. We can get you one. I’m sure we could… Yeah, absolutely Margaret. For sure. Yes, yes.” And yes, I am speaking out loud into the empty room.

Steven/NOAH: That bloke’s bloody talking to himself over there.

Jorja/Magnolia: Thank you.

Steven/NOAH: Thanks Margaret.

OLIVE/Timmit: Alright, alright. She’s getting them. 

Rosie/LUCILLE: Lucille’s just more confused because she’s like, “So, it’s in your head right?”

OLIVE/Timmit: “No, you can see”, and Timmit will point, and you can see where Maragaret is collecting the mushrooms and picking them from the ground and putting them in Magnolia’s bag.

Tyrone/Margaret: Oh my god, I do love a good mushroom stew. I always make it with my mum. 

OLIVE/Timmit: Mushroom stew is delicious.

Tyrone/Margaret: Okay, you gonna keep me around this time, or are you gonna dismiss me? 

OLIVE/Timmit: Oh no, you’re more than welcome to join us. I enjoy your company Margaret.

Steven/NOAH: At least until the duration of the spell.

OLIVE/Timmit: For one hour,

Tyrone/Margaret: Well, where are we this time?

OLIVE/Timmit: I believe we’re in a pyramid.

Tyrone/Margaret: I mean it is really great. I did always want to take that holiday to Egypt. 

OLIVE/Timmit: Of all places? You know what? I can see that Maragaret, yeah.

Tyrone/Margaret: Maybe I’ll take my long service leave soon.

OLIVE/Timmit: Oh, but we’d miss you too much dear.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What are you guys doing? You guys staying in the room or moving on?

Jorja/Magnolia: Slowly backing away. As soon as we mushrooms, like, ‘Okay, crazy guy is talking to himself’. Just gonna step away a little bit and be over here. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Wait, so not heading into the next room yet?

Rosie/LUCILLE: Yeah, Lucille will probably charge on forwards.

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah, Magnolia has a plus zero intelligence. She’ll just continue, and push on another door. The other one didn’t hurt.

Steven/NOAH: I have heat stroke. 

OLIVE/Timmit: I’m not paying attention at all. I’m having a chat with Margaret. 

Steven/NOAH: We’ve noticed.

Jorja/Magnolia: That’s why we’re leaving. You little freak.

Steven/NOAH: I talk to my thopters sometimes, but at least they’re real.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Skittles will do a little beep

*Skittles beeps*

OLIVE/Timmit: Yeah, no. I’m taking the back seat. I’m not going first.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So what I’m gathering is Noah and Timmit are chilling here and Magnolia and Lucille are moving on.

Steven/NOAH: I mean, I’m going to follow the group, but I’m not making any decisions for myself.

Jorja/Magnolia: I am. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: No traps on the door. 

Jorja/Magnolia: See. Nothing bad ever happens to me.

OLIVE/Timmit: Oh, you’re welcome by the way.

Jorja/Magnolia: For what?

OLIVE/Timmit: Oh nothing. 

Jorja/Magnolia: ‘Kay.

Steven/NOAH: I’m blue. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Da ba dee da ba di. Magnolia fully just doesn’t think anything happened. She didn’t get hurt, so she didn’t turn around, so she just opened the door and walked in.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Through the door we find a long hallway with a door on the other side. There seem to be three pits between you and the door. 

Rosie/LUCILLE: What’s in the pits?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You can take a look if you’d like.

Rosie/LUCILLE: Yeah, Lucille’s going to fly directly over the first one and look straight down.

Steven/NOAH: We have thopters.

Jorja/Magnolia: I’m just going to watch.

Steven/NOAH: Yeah, Noah’s doing fuck all. I’ll just get ready to jump and catch if she falls out of the sky. 

Rosie/LUCILLE: Fairies can’t fall. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah, you don’t have ‘hover’, so you can.

Rosie/LUCILLE: No. It’s wings.

Jorja/Magnolia: Alright, then I won’t try to catch you.

Rosie/LUCILLE: Oh please do, thank you. 

*laughter*

OLIVE/Timmit: I’m going to hold Control Flames again just in case ‘cause there seems to be a theme here. 

Rosie/LUCILLE: “Guys, I’m going to fly down this hole now”, and Lucille goes down the hole.

Jorja/Magnolia: Okay.

Steven/NOAH: Bye.

Jorja/Magnolia: Have fun. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Looks to be about a twenty foot drop, and there is a ladder up the side so you can get back up if you fall in.

Rosie/LUCILLE: I’m going to fly down.

OLIVE/Timmit: How far across is the hole?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Just five feet. You’re down the bottom of the twenty foot hole, and it’s kind of dark down here, but there’s nothing going on.

Rosie/LUCILLE: Oh, alright. I guess I’m just going to fly back up and be like, “Hey guys, that was pretty boring” 

Jorja/Magnolia: I’m just going to jump across.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Fuck yeah. Do it then.

Jorja/Magnolia: Boing boing boing.

Steven/NOAH: Noah’s going to jump across. Well, Skittles is going to jump across, Noah is going to yee haw over there.

Rosie/LUCILLE: Lucille wants to go to Timmit and be like, “So Timmit, just then you were talking in your head. You know, we’ve discussed this right. I just want to know… So you know sometimes I have conversations and I just want to see if it’s the same kind of thing. You know, when we talk to people in our heads”

OLIVE/Timmit: Who do you talk to?

Rosie/LUCILLE: Just a mate.

OLIVE/Timmit: Just a friend? Do they help you around the goat farm?

Rosie/LUCILLE: They don’t really help. They’re just there, you know? So I was just wondering if it was the same kind of thing.

OLIVE/Timmit: You know what Lucille? I would say it probably is the same kind of thing. 

Rosie/LUCILLE: “Would you look at that. Anyway, that’s all”. I’m going to fly off.

OLIVE/Timmit: Inside, Timmit is starting to freak out a little bit. Like, ‘Oh, this lady is actually insane. Okay. Alright. Cool. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.’

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What’s everyone doing?

Steven/NOAH: Sitting on a robot. 

OLIVE/Timmit: I’ll catch up. I’ll jump across and spot the doorway on the other side. 

Jorja/Magnolia: I am jumping across all of them. 

Rosie/LUCILLE: I am flying forwards across all of them.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yep, so it sounds like all four of you are just standing in front of this doorway on the other side? 

Rosie/LUCILLE: Yes.

Jorja/Magnolia: I consider pushing the door open, and I consider pushing Timmit in the hole.

OLIVE/Timmit: “My turn!” I push the door.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: As you push the door, instead of the door opening, the floor beneath you raises into a ramp that slides you back into the pit. 

Rosie/LUCILLE: Can I, instead of falling, fly and not fall?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You sure can.

Rosie/LUCILLE: Oh, yay.

Jorja/Magnolia: Can I jump? Because I have ‘rabbit hop’, so I can jump up ten feet.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh yep. So, you're jumping where?

Jorja/Magnolia: To the closest safe spot that I can. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Alright, so between the second and third pit. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Yep.

OLIVE/Timmit: I would like to activate one of my bladesongs with a bonus action, and then try to, as I’m falling, do a backflip off the wall and up onto the pillar in the middle there. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s sounding like we’ve done a bladsong to give us a bonus to acrobatics?

OLIVE/Timmit: That’s it.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Sick, yeah. Roll that acrobatics save.

OLIVE/Timmit: Parkour!

*dice rolls*

OLIVE/Timmit: Not spectacular. It’s a fourteen.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You land safely, but you land into Magnolia a bit. You kind of have to have a little hug to brace yourself.

OLIVE/Timmit: Fur. Fur. Fur.

Jorja/Magnolia: Magnolia will stand there and inch a little bit closer so that you’re really close to edge and be like, “What’s wrong with my fur?”

OLIVE/Timmit: Oh it’s nothing. I’m just not… No… It’s good. Thank you for not letting me fall. Appreciate it very much. 

Jorja/Magnolia: You’re welcome.

Steven/NOAH: So Skittles is also going to make an acrobatics…

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, I suppose. I don’t know what that looks like.

Steven/NOAH: Is that acrobatics or athletics?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I mean, what are you trying to do? 

Steven/NOAH: Jump to the safe side with everybody else.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That would be athletics then.

Jorja/Magnolia: Can I try to grab him just in case? 

Steven/NOAH: Oh no. If it fails, I’m going to jump off him. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Double jump.

Steven/NOAH: I get two.

*dice rolls*

Steven/NOAH: Oh no, that’s okay. I got twenty-three. Skittles got a twenty-three.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You see the mad suspensions activate, and he jumps across to the safe spot with everyone else. At which point you notice that the spot spot across, like back towards the first pit, falls away. It turns into another ramp, and then the safe spot where you are falls away beneath you as well, and you can see it crumble into the sides of the walls. It's not like it fell in. It’s more like the floor became the walls.

OLIVE/Timmit: The door. How far did I get it open?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh, it was a fake door. This door was not intended to actually open. So obviously Beeyonce, Honey Boo Boo, and Lucille don’t fall in, but everyone else, you find yourself in a slide situation. You find yourself going around some turns. Almost like a water slide, but no water. 

Rosie/LUCILLE: Ooo, all frictiony. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What’s Lucille doing?

Rosie/LUCILLE: Lucille’s… She’s flying above them and watching them fall. She’s going to instinctively yell out, “No! You can’t just leave me!” Like, they’ve done it on purpose, so it’s a reaction. It’s a defence mechanism. Then she’s going to abruptly dive down and fly after them. 

Jorja/Magnolia: I don’t think it’s a defence mechanism so much as it is trauma response. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What’s Honey Boo Boo and Beeyonce doing?

Steven/NOAH: Well they’re going to follow their father. Duh.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Daddy no!

Steven/NOAH: Father help.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You will notice that your map in front of you says flip the page at this point. 

[music]

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: At the end of the slide we find ourselves ejected into a very, very large room. The largest room that you have seen in the pyramid. You assume that you’re probably at the base of the pyramid now. Looking at the map. You have a sixty feet by one hundred and ten feet sized room. Seems to be patches of sand all over the floor. Sort of like a sandstone floor with soft sand patches throughout, and you will see six circles on your map, which are six statues of the Iris-like fairy you’ve seen three times before in this dungeon so far. 

Steven/NOAH: Isis-like fairy?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Isis, the Egyptian god.

Steven/NOAH: Sorry, you said Iris.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Ah, sorry. Everybody, could you please roll me an investigation check please?

*dice rolls*

Steven/NOAH: Excuse me, I have to roll twice, ‘cause I have disadvantage. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Ugh, that’s the worst. Sorry. 

*Dice rolls*

Rosie/LUCILLE: I got one. 

Jorja/Magnolia: It was not a nat twenty. It was a six. 

OLIVE/Timmit: I got nineteen.

Steven/NOAH: Ten. Ten and then I rolled a twenty-four. I want to point that out.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Timmit, you are going to notice little arrow slits on either side of the room, and you’re also going to notice looming large above the room is about three big axes that would swing across the room. 

OLIVE/Timmit: I’ll immediately put my hands out across and stop everyone, and be like, “Guys, guys, guys. Don’t move”, and I’ll point out the giant axes and across the room at the arrows. *whispering* “We have to be very, very careful”

Jorja/Magnolia: I mean, I don’t think they activate by sound, so. 

OLIVE/Timmit: *whispering* You don’t know that.

Jorja/Magnolia: I just yell.

Steven/NOAH: Why are we yelling? I’m going to grab the ka-caw stone out of my pocket. 

Nathan/Hymnbo: Ka-caw!

OLIVE/Timmit: Okay fine. Maybe it doesn’t trigger by sound, but just saying, be careful.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Timmit and Noah will both notice that there’s something different about these statues. That they’re holding something each. So one of them seems to be holding a sword. One seems to be holding a shield. One seems to be holding a lance. Another with an axe. Another with a bow, and another with a warhammer.

OLIVE/Timmit: If I cast my mind back to the three statues that we walked past, can I try remember what it was that they were holding?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Roll me a wisdom save.

OLIVE/Timmit: Oh no.

*dice rolls*

OLIVE/Timmit: Fourteen.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You don’t remember them holding anything at all actually. 

Rosie/LUCILLE: Well, Lucille hasn’t noticed that they’re holding anything, so she’s still focused up on the axes or whatever they were. You know, the big sharp thingies. Axes up on the ceiling, and wants to fly up to them, and see if she can see if they’re going to fall and kill us, but she’s not going to fly underneath them. She wants to fly avoiding them. Like around them, so when she’s looking at them she’s above them. 

Steven/NOAH: How would she even know if they’re going to trigger or not? She sees strings and wires and is like, ‘Yes’.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Rosie, roll me a dexterity saving throw.

Jorja/Magnolia: I don’t have any at a distance healing, so good luck.

Rosie/LUCILLE: She’ll be right. 

*dice rolls*

Rosie/LUCILLE: Fourteen.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Rosie, you have taken two points of piercing damage as one of the- Everyone actually sees one of the arrows shoot out from one of those arrow slits on the far ends of the room.

Jorja/Magnolia: Oof.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And hit Lucille.

Rosie/LUCILLE: Ah! Guys! I’ve got hit!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: At which point everyone will feel the room rumble, and you will hear what kind of sounds like boulders falling, It sounds like something is trying to communicate with you.

Steven/NOAH: It better be the burrowing goats.

Jorja/Magnolia: They come back and save us. 

Steven/NOAH: Maybe the Astro is a giant goat. 

OLIVE/Timmit: Does that sound like it’s trying to talk to you? Or is that just me?

Jorja/Magnolia: You hear a lot of voices in your head, so it could be trying to talk to you.

Rosie/LUCILLE: Don’t worry, I can hear this one two, so it’s alright.

Steven/NOAH: You just got shot.

Rosie/LUCILLE: Oh yeah.

OLIVE/Timmit: I will fine tune my hearing and listen to the rumbling, and as it comes through I will cast Comprehend Languages on myself, and take in what it’s saying.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The gavel once again glowing- Are you still doing bladesong by the way? 

OLIVE/Timmit: It only lasts for a minute, bladesong, but I am still Longstrider, and Margaret is still around.

Tyrone/Margaret: Oh my god, that was quite a fall. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah the gavel once again glowing with its energy. As it does, you will hear a voice say- You will actually hear a chorus of voices. One from each of those statues, as they say:

Tyrone/Astrotheran: Intruders. Defeat me in combat to claim your prize. 

[rumbling]

Theme Song: *rock music plays* 

Finding home in the belly of the beast, to make it home we can’t accept defeat, so roll the dice and come along with me, finding home in the belly of the beast

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Thank you so much for listening to Portal Quandary. Portal Quandary is made possible by the following people: Myself, Tyrone Cross as Dungeon Master, Community Manager, and Editor, Steven Edwards as Noah, Olive Jerome as Timothy and the Editing Assistant, Rosemary Ochtman as Lucille, and Jorja Odd as Magnolia. Elias Moffat is our Content Producer and Narrative Consultant, and Chanelle Hayden is our transcriber. Our theme song is Belly of the Beast by Lily Harnath and Henry Lucas, and if you need to contact us you can do so at portalquandary@gmail.com. We’re also on the lookout for someone to join our team as a Community Manager, so if that sounds like you, shoot us a DM or an email. We’re also on a bunch of social media including Instagram, Facebook, TikTok, Threads, and our newly launched Patreon. So if you’re interested in any of those please head over to them. They’re all @PortalQuandary. That’s Q-U-A-N-D-A-R-Y. And this podcast was recorded on the lands of the Wurundjeri people, and produced on the lands of the Awabakal, and Wurundjeri people. Portal Quandary acknowledges and pays respect to our traditional custodians and to their past and present leaders. 

Theme Song: *rock music continues* 

Finding home in the belly of the beast, (in the belly of the beast), to make it home we can’t accept defeat, (there’s no turning back) so roll the dice and come along with me, (come along with me, let’s go), finding home in the belly of the beast.

Rosie/LUCILLE: I actually kind of agree with that. Like, sand is an awful feeling on your feet.

Jorja/Magnolia: Okay, noted. Rosie agrees with Anakin Skywalker.

Rosie/LUCILLE: What’s wrong with- Wait, hang on.

*laughter*

Jorja/Magnolia: Nope. Nope. 

Rosie/LUCILLE: No but he’s so cute in the first one where he’s in the little pod thing, and he goes zoom, zoom, zoom. Little Rosie has a little crush. 

OLIVE/Timmit: Which way is north?

Rosie/LUCILLE: Never Eat Soggy Weetbix.

OLIVE/Timmit: I had to do the same thing in my head, yeah. 

Steven/NOAH: We’re Australian.

Jorja/Magnolia: If you couldn’t tell. Cut out any bits where I sound weird please.

Steven/NOAH: Why is this podcast empty? 

*laughter*

Jorja/Magnolia: It’s just silence.