Episode 9: The Astrotheran

Having survived the tricks and traps of the pyramid, the party gets ready to rumble in a showdown against the Astrotheran! Sometimes, however, battle and sacrifice go hand in hand.

Content warnings for this week’s episode include coarse language and fantasy violence.

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Dungeon Master, Community Manager, and Editing is Tyrone Cross      

Noah is Steven Edwards

Timothy and Editing Assistant is Olive Jerome

Lucille is Rosemary Ochtman

Magnolia is Jorja Odd

Elias Moffat is our Content Producer and Narrative Consultant

Jemma Law is our Transcriber

Theme song is “Belly of The Beast” by Lily Harnath and Henry Lucas (@lilyharnath & @henrylucas5)

Email us at portalquandary@gmail.com 

Sound effects used in this episode include:

Dropping a smoke bomb on the ground - pfranzen

Air Wind Whiff Blow - qubodup

Nostro9 - levelclearer

Magic - RICHERlandTV

Beating Wings - juskiddink

Synthetic Chipring- Owdeo

dawn6000002 - levelclearer

Fire - mmutua

Calm3 - levelclearer

This podcast was recorded on the lands of the Wurundjeri people and produced on the lands of the Awabakal, Bunerong, and Wurundjeri people. Portal Quandary acknowledges and pays respect to our traditional custodians and to their past and present leaders. 

The story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased) is intended or should be inferred.

Transcript

Jorja/Magnolia: Portal Quandary has some content warnings. You can check them out in the episode description. 

Tyrone/ Dungeon Master: Chunks of debris whirl through the air. Kyros ducks for cover, narrowly avoiding one particularly large hunk of rock that flies past. The guttural roar of the creature seems to shake his very bones. Oh. No, that’s the ground literally shaking. Kyros takes a deep breath and realises in a flash that he’s exhausted. He takes another breath and stands up, spinning to face the creature. He throws out his hands and calls on his magic. Nothing happens. Armoured plates of exoskeleton rub together as the creature shifts, facing Kyros head-on. It is unsteady, missing two of its legs, but unfortunately both claws are still intact. A battle cry emits above Kyros. Cleary, wrench in hand, careens past him and toward the beast. She throws out a contraption that emits a heavy plume of smoke. Cleary dives down into the plume, out of sight - and into claw range. Kyros watches, heart in his throat. One final tremor sends Kyros to his knee, but he’s familiar enough with Cleary’s bombs to recognise the sound and flash that erupts from the fog. She breaks free of the smoke, sailing straight upwards before coming down to land next to him, only half flying and really kind of falling.

Tyrone/Cleary: This. . . 

Tyrone/ Dungeon Master: She pants, 

Tyrone/Cleary: This is why. . . we should’ve brought. . . Onyx.

Tyrone/ Dungeon Master: The fog slowly clears, revealing the downed Astrotheran. Kyros scratches his ear.

Tyrone/Kyros: I did ask, but he said he was busy.

Tyrone/ Dungeon Master: Cleary levels him with a flat look. 

Tyrone/Cleary: Next time, make him un-busy.

Tyrone/ Dungeon Master: Fifteen feet away, the Astrotheran slowly rumbles back to consciousness, gripping something that looks tiny between its enormous claw. Cleary’s breath catches. Kyros staggers to his feet and slowly approaches. The Astrotheran doesn’t move but to extend its claw out to him, until he is close enough for it to drop the tiny round essence into his palm.

Tyrone/Cleary: Is that it?

Tyrone/ Dungeon Master: Cleary calls out behind him. He comes back and hands it to her.

Tyrone/Kyros: The Astrotheran essence. Can you feel the power inside of it?

Tyrone/ Dungeon Master: Cleary marvels at the unassuming, stonelike object. 

Tyrone/Cleary: All that work for such a small thing,

Tyrone/ Dungeon Master: She laughs.

Tyrone/Kyros: And two more to go. Who even needs Onyx?

Tyrone/ Dungeon Master: Cleary stops laughing. 

Tyrone/Cleary: We do.

Tyrone/ Dungeon Master: Kyros winces.

Tyrone/Kyros: Yeah. We do.

Theme Song: *rock music plays*

Finding home in the belly of the beast, to make it home we can’t accept defeat, so roll the dice and come along with me, finding home in the belly of the beast

Tyrone/ Dungeon Master: Hi, welcome back to episode 9 of Portal Quandary Prophis. Episode 9 - we’re pretty far in, damn. Now you guys are about to fight the Astrotheran. Are you guys nervous? Excited? What are you feeling?

Steven/Noah: Exhausted.

Jorja/Magnolia: I’m just here for a good time.

Olive/Timmit: I have two spell slots.

Tyrone/ Dungeon Master: I don’t think two spell slots is a feeling. 

Olive/Timmit: Scared.

Rosie/Lucille: Ready to kill some things.

Jorja/Magnolia:  Yeah, now I’m scared after hearing that.

Rosie/Lucille: The enemies, not you guys.

Jorja/Magnolia: Mmkay.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Setting up what’s just happened, you’ve down the slide into the room which doesn't seem to have an exit. It has axes that could swing from the ceiling and arrow slits from each end of the room. It has six statues in it all shaped like the goddess Isis, and each of them has a different weapon. There's a sword, a shield, an axe, a lance, a bow and a warhammer. And Timmit, at least, has heard the words, ‘Defeat me in battle to claim your prize’. I’ll give you guys a round to draw your weapons or whatever you’d like to do in a round. 

Olive/Timmit: Umm, guys! I think were’ gonna have to fight. Do you hear that? It said that we have to fight. Are we going to fight!?

Rosie/Lucille: Yep

Jorja/Magnolia: Yes!

Steven/Noah: Huh?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You hear the words:

Tyrone/Astrotheran: Draw your weapons, I don’t fight helpless targets. 

Jorja/Magnolia: I pull out my morningstar. Just, “Yes!”

Steven/Noah: But you’re the only one who heard that right?

Olive/Timmit: Yes.

Jorja/Magnolia: I was still hyped from before.

Olive/Timmit: Well I love the energy Magnolia. We’ve gotta draw our weapons. They won’t fight- Well actually, they won’t hurt us if we don’t draw our weapons. Maybe we shouldn’t?

Jorja/Magnolia: Mine’s already out and I’m just screaming in the background.

Steven/Noah: I was going to say, Noah’s going to pull his lightning sword out and just, *screams*. He’s ready.

Olive/Timmit:  Timmit will just pull out his little gavel and look up and go, “Grrr”.

Rosie/Lucille: Lucille’s brandishing her walking stick at it.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Everyone, please roll me initiative.

*dice rolls*

Steven/Noah: I got a twenty-one.

Rosie/Lucille: Fifteen.

Jorja/Magnolia: Seventeen.

Olive/Timmit: I got a five. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Alright, let’s get this battle started, shall we? Cue battle music.

All: *hums intense music*

[music]

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Noah, you are first in the battle order, which is great because you are still exhausted.

Steven/Noah: Motherfucker, I’m delirious.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It doesn’t affect your attack rolls at least, so you’re fine.

Steven/Noah: Oh thank god. Umm, me and my little army… So I’m currently sitting on top of Skittles, so Skittles is going to move me towards to one with the lance. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Excellent decision.

Steven/Noah: Can I travel that far?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah. I mean, how fast does Skittles move?

Steven/Noah: Forty.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, that looks like it’s only ten feet from what I can see. 

Steven/Noah: Oh easy. Alright, then he’s going to get there very quickly then, and whilst at this lance lady, I’m gonna try and hit it with my sword. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Just do it. Just roll. See what you get.

Steven/Noah: Rawr. 

*dice rolls*

Steven/Noah: Let me just add my modifiers.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I do need the damage separate actually. Because I do know that you’ve got slashing damage and then you’ve got lightning damage. So, tell me both of those separate. 

Steven/Noah: Does a ten hit?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh. Ah, no.

Steven/Noah: Heck.

Jorja/Magnolia: It was bold of you to assume that he hit when he rolled a four.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I’m afraid Noah’s still a bit delirious, and so has swung and missed.

Steven/Noah: He’s just swinging at a wall. *battle cry* Oh dear. Bless him. Okay, well as a bonus action, I am going to instruct Honey Boo Boo, ‘cause she’s useless, to protect Lucille, which we have decided protect means if Lucille is going to be hit, she’s going to try and jump in front of it and take the hit. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yep. we’ve sort of worked out exactly how the thopters work in battle. So, Honey Boo Boo’s protect command means ready an action to jump in front of Lucille.

Steven/Noah: Just be aware that she’s the useless one, I’m sorry.

Rosie/Lucille: Thanks. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Well, that’s your turn?

Steven/Noah: Yuh. That’s it.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And then I imagine Honey Boo Boo listens and flies over to Lucille? 

Steven/Noah: Yep, and the other two just sort of idle stance. Just chilling. Ready and waiting.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s a JRPG. Waiting for their turn.

Steven/Noah: Yep.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Alright. That moves it along to the one with the shield. The shield is up next. The shield one is going to walk up to Lucille because it sees Lucille right up in front of it. 

Olive/Timmit: Well, how high is Lucille flying up in the air?

Rosie/Lucille: I drew my weapon, but I’m not up in the air. I’m standing.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The one with the shield is going to head over to Lucille. The walking is really weird. It’s kind of like the base of the statue is gliding through the sand I want to say. 

Olive/Timmit: So, like Harry Potter chess moves.

Steven/Noah: Damn! Because I wanted like Toy Story soldier moves. 

All: Oooh!

Steven/Noah: Where their feet are joined together and they’ve got to move the base.

Olive/Timmit: Bum-bum-bum-bum.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: No, it’s swimming through the sand, which as a reminder - there’s little bits of sand patches around, and the whole room is made out of sandstone. The one with the shield if going to attempt to hit Lucille. Like a little shield bash.

Rosie/Lucille: *scream*

Steven/Noah: Does the thopter attempt to jump in front without knowing the AC result?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It would yes, you’re right. So, roll a dex save.

*dice rolls*

Steven/Noah: Dirty twenty.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay. You’ve succeeded on your dex save which means that Honey Boo Boo gets attacked instead.

Steven/Noah: It’s okay, she’s here to die.

*dice rolls*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: With a fourteen? Does that beat your AC?

Steven/Noah: Her AC is only thirteen. 

*dice rolls*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Honey Boo Boo has taken ten points of damage.

Steven/Noah: Oh my fucking god, she fucking dead. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Is Honey Boo Boo down and out?

Steven/Noah: Oh yeah. They’ve got eight health. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: We’ve got the first death of the podcast. 

Rosie/Lucille: What a life.

Steven/Noah: *scream* I’m just real sad.

Rosie/Lucille: Oh no! Not Honey Boo Boo!

Olive/Timmit: Oh no.

Rosie/Lucille: That’s very sad. Wait, can Lucille react to try and catch Honey Boo Boo out of the air?

Steven/Noah: Umm, Honey Boo Boo is currently a red gem.

Rosie/Lucille: A red gem?

Steven/Noah: Falling. Because that’s what was created, so it reverts back to the heart of the creature.

Rosie/Lucille: Oh! That’s cool.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The sequence of events. It goes to shield bash Lucille, Honey Boo Boo goes, ‘Noo!’ and jumps in front, who proceeds to lose their exterior shell, and just a little red ruby drops and clatters to the floor. Moving along.

Steven/Noah: In contrast, Beeyonce feels nothing.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Very sad, moving on. The one with the sword is up next, who is gonna go over to Magnolia

Jorja/Magnolia: Eww.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The one with the sword is going to attempt to slash you.

Jorja/Magnolia: Obsessed with me. God.

*dice rolls*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And will miss, with a six.

Jorja/Magnolia: Big whiff. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Big whiff. Only Timmit will hear:

Tyrone/Astrotheran: Good combat instincts rabbit. 

Jorja/Magnolia: I don’t understand it, but I weirdly feel a sense of pride out of somewhere.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Which brings it to your turn actually.

Jorja/Magnolia: Oh shit. Fuck that changes things. Okay, I’m going to use my bonus action to cast a spell. Divine Favour. So my sword just starts glowing a little bit, and I’m going to attack the sword one. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Try me bitch. 

Steven/Noah: Show her how to really do it.

*dice rolls*

Jorja/Magnolia: Mmm. Thirteen to hit.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Thirteen? A thirteen will hit. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Woah! *panic sounds* There’s too many things to keep track of. I’m freaking out.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’re telling me. I’ve got six enemies. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah, I shouldn’t complain.

Steven/Noah: I’ve got four party members! Yeah, sorry three.

Olive/Timmit: Three.

*laughter*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Too soon

Jorja/Magnolia: Umm, so it is 

*dice rolls*

Jorja/Magnolia: Five piercing, and…

*dice rolls*

Jorja/Magnolia: Fuck. One radiant. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Wonderful. You’ve made quite a significant chip into it’s sandstone, statuesque form.

Jorja/Magnolia: Nice. I’m just going to bash into the shoulder, of the arm that’s holding the sword, and I’m just going to be screaming the whole time. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I feel like Magnolia’s gone feral now.

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah, she’s like, ‘Finally! A fight where I know I’m fighting. This is great’.

Olive/Timmit: Does your sword continue to glow?

Jorja/Magnolia: It continues, yes. 

Olive/Timmit: Okay.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The axe, who’s all the way in the corner will use it’s full movement to dart right to Timmit.

Olive/Timmit: Do them axes hit it?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: They do not.

Olive/Timmit: Not a fan, Jan. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master:  Not a fan?

Olive/Timmit: Cool.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master:  Who controls to axes huh? Who controls the axes?

Jorja/Magnolia: They can sense friends. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master:  And so the axe is gonna swing his axe at you.

Olive/Timmit: Come on, hit me with your best shot.

*dice rolls*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master:  Oh! I’m sorry, that’s a nineteen.

Olive/Timmit: Yikes, that hits.

*dice rolls*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master:  That’s seven, slashing damage. 

Olive/Timmit: We’re still good!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master:  That’s it’s turn done. Which brings us to Lucille. Lucille, you’ve just been saved by Honey Boo Boo. 

Rosie/Lucille: Yay! Lucille’s kinda noticed that Honey Boo Boo is kinda dead. Isn’t really a fan of that. She likes the little bee things. So, she’s gonna, with a new wave of rage, pick up her walking stick- Well she’s already holding it, but you know, brandish it a bit more, and do a big stabby thing at the shield.

*dice rolls*

Rosie/Lucille: Ten

Tyrone/Dungeon Master:  I’m sorry Lucille, that misses.

Rosie/Lucille: No!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master:  The walking stick just scrapes against the hard exterior of the statue.

Rosie/Lucille: I feel like I should do something else. Okay, I’m just going to disengage then. Yeah, I’m going to use my movement to move to the back up there, like the right.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master:  Sort of to the right from the entrance?

Rosie/Lucille: No, no, no, like the way away from the entrance. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master:  Oh yep, sort of moving to the north-west part of the map. North-east [I mean]. Know my fucking compass directions.

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah that one.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master:  Wonderful. That brings us to the warhammer.

Rosie/Lucille: Oh, that’s near me now isn’t it?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master:  It is a little bit. Yeah, it’s going to come over to you, sorry Lucille.

Rosie/Lucille: Great.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Alright. Yep, it’s heading over to you, and it’s going to do a little swing with it’s warhammer.

*dice rolls*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So we’ve got some good news and we’ve got some bad news. Do you want the good news or the bad news first?

Rosie/Lucille: Bad news.

Olive/Timmit: Bad news always.

Steven/Noah: Honey Boo Boo’s already dead.

Olive/Timmit: Isn’t that good news? I’m so confused.

Steven/Noah: What?

Olive/Timmit: I don’t know. You’re the one who sent it to it’s death.

Steven/Noah: Doing it’s duty.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The bad news is that it rolled a twenty-three to hit.

Rosie/Lucille: Oh no! That’s big. Oh wait, no. I’m doing a spell, I’m doing a spell. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh, you have the reaction?

Rosie/Lucille: I’m doing Silvery Barbs. It has to reroll it and take the lower roll. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Nice! How does that manifest for Lucille?

Rosie/Lucille: Alright, well the feeling would be described as brilliant and vengeful as this cloud of purple smoke comes out of her mouth. Kind of like a dry cough, and she casts this spell. 

Jorja/Magnolia: I hate that.

Rosie/Lucille: She’s old. She’s kinda dusty, you know?

Jorja/Magnolia: Ya dusty!

Olive/Timmit: She’s just a little dusty.

*dice rolls*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s new roll is an eighteen?

Rosie/Lucille:  I mean that still hits, but…

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Apologies. That was sick as fuck though.

Jorja/Magnolia: There is a second part to that spell.

Rosie/Lucille:  What?

Steven/Noah: Wait what?

Rosie/Lucille: Oh! And the you can choose a different creature you can see within range that has advantage on the next attack roll. Ooo! Spell check or saving throw. 

Steven/Noah: What about the daddy of Honey Boo Boo?

*laughter*

Rosie/Lucille: Well are you in danger? Where are you?

Steven/Noah: I’m at the foot of a lance. I just tried to hit one.

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah, you can have advantage on your next one. 

Steven/Noah: Thank you.

Rosie/Lucille: You’re welcome.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Just like a cough of smoke that goes towards the statue and another one that goes towards Noah?

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah, I kind of do a cough in his direction, and the powdery purple stuff goes around and goes towards his face. Yeah, it’s really nice.

Steven/Noah: Hot girl shit.

*dice rolls*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’ve taken eight damage. Are you ready for the good news? Is that as its swinging this beautiful craftsmanship of a warhammer down at you, you notice a little brown marbly coloured gem inset into it’s hilt.

Rosie/Lucille:  Wait, a gem did you say?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes.

Rosie/Lucille:  Lucille wants that gem.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And Timmit will once again hear that voice say:

Tyrone/Astrotheran: You need to move a little faster, winged one. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That moves it down to Timmit’s turn. 

Olive/Timmit: Timmit will, right before he starts taking his turn, just kinda be like, “Lucille. Lucille. Hurry up, Catch up. Come on”. First thing, Timmit will activate his last blade son dance, so with the hammer in one hand he will take his little shortsword that he’s got out with the other and do a small little flourish and do a little half-spin and try and to slip between the axe man and the sword man, and just kind of slip up that way.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Sure

Olive/Timmit: And that I want to cast Burning Hands, and I want to try and get as many of those three that are in the area as I can within a fifteen foot cone, so will I be able to hit two of them? Or three of them?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master:  It depends if you want friendly fire?

Olive/Timmit: Preferably not.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master:  It would be the axe and sword that you’d hit then, by the seems of it.

Olive/Timmit: Okay, yeah, we’ll do that. I will cast Burning Hands using my feature rather than a spell slot, and they need to make a dexterity saving throw for me. You need to beat a fifteen.

*dice rolls*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That is not their strong suit at all. One rolled an eight, sorry a seven, and one rolled a one. 

Olive/Timmit:  So with the bladesong dance, he does a little twist around, shimmies through the legs of the axe man and as he gets through and back up onto his legs, he’ll turn around with the gavel and just this eruption of fire will shoot out from the end and cover them both in flames. I’ll need that one and that one and that one. Can I borrow a d6 please? Thank you.

*dice rolls*

Olive/Timmit: They’ll both take seven damage.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: How would you like to kill a sword creature?

Olive/Timmit: Oh? Oh, okay, so I’ll just turn around with the gavel, just start to erupt with fire, but like in the Harry Potter movies where the fire is coming out of the wand, it just starts to go a little bit out of control. He’s not really sure how to tame it. He’s just going back and forth, and then it all shoots out directly into this sword building, stone statue, and it just disintegrates into sand and dust in front of Magnolia.

Jorja/Magnolia: You see Magnolia where it was just go, *battle cry*.

Olive/Timmit: Oh, hi!

Jorja/Magnolia: That was so cool! 

Olive/Timmit: And then that’s my turn.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: With the sand settling, we move over to the lance guy who’s currently in front of Noah.

Steven/Noah: Meep.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Noah, you’re going to get a lance to face, hopefully. 

Steven/Noah: Daddy.

*dice rolls*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, I think he will with a twenty-one?

Steven/Noah:  Could you do that with disadvantage? Because of Skittles’s deflect attack. 

*dice rolls*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, and then the next one is a five. 

Steven/Noah:  No. 

*laughter*

Steven/Noah: You just got Skittled bitch. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The Astrotheran will say:

Tyrone/Asdtrotheran: It’s clear you’ve had some combat training in the past. 

Steven/Noah: What? The robot?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Just you guys as a team. Moving over to the bow. The bow’s gonna try and shoot its bow at you. Sorry, it’s going to push itself into the corner first, and then it’s going to shoot its bow at you. 

Rosie/Lucille: Why is it always me?

Jorja/Magnolia:  It was just Noah. 

Olive/Timmit: You put yourself there. 

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah I was trying to get away, but they’re everywhere!

*dice rolls*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Which is a five. 

Rosie/Lucille: That doesn’t hit. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So that arrow’s going to go flying past Lucille, fly past lance boy, fly past Noah, and then hit the wall where you guys entered. Moving back to the top of the round again. Noah, you are up. 

Steven/Noah: Well this lance motherfucker just tried to hit me in the face. Oh, and I have advantage! I’ma hit him. 

*dice rolls*

Steven/Noah: I’ll take a twenty-four.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yup, that’ll hit.

Steven/Noah: Yes! Okay, that’s like the first Noah’s ever hit anything.

*dice rolls*

Steven/Noah: Alright, well it’s a one lightning and three slashing. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Wonderful. Yeah, you’ve made a little slash across its body, but you also notice that the lightning doesn’t travel far across its body. It doesn’t seem very effective against the stone statue. 

Steven/Noah: It’s a ground type. Ah, and then as my bonus action, I’m going to tell Skittles to get in there too. Like, “Get in there and him them babes. It didn’t work. Hit them too. Babes, do it. It didn’t work. Help me out. Help out your papa.” So, he’s gonna do that. 

*dice rolls*

Steven/Noah: Does a twenty-two hit? 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What sort of damage does he do?

Steven/Noah: He deals force damage.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay. A twenty-two does hit. 

Steven/Noah: Winning.

*dice rolls*

Steven/Noah: Six.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: How would Skittles like to kill a statue wielding lance?

Steven/Noah: He’s going to rear up like a horse, and his two front legs are going to just push the statue over, so it falls down and crumples to dust. 

*Skittles beeps*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Hell yeah, you guys have downed two so far. Four to go.

Steven/Noah: Oh my god, Noah is fucking useless, but Skittles is the best thing ever. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So I guess that’s your turn, because you used the bonus action to command him. 

Steven/Noah: I guess Skittles can move though, can’t he? Okay, so I guess I’m just going to run in between Magnolia and Timmit. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So that’s sort of near the shield one as well?

Steven/Noah: Yep, I’m basically below the shield guy.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Alright, moving onto the shield guy’s go- Shield gal’s go I guess. From memory Magnolia’s right there.

Jorja/Magnolia: Bring it on!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yep, so we’re going to attempt to do a little shield bash against you.

*dice rolls*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: With an eleven.

Jorja/Magnolia: Miss! I hold up my shield. 

Rosie/Lucille: Get shielded, shield bitch.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Wonderful. And the sword guy is dead, so that brings it to Magnolia now. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Fuck you shield guy! Try and hit with my morningstar.

*dice rolls*

Jorja/Magnolia: Uh, I don’t think it’s gonna hit. Does a nine?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: No. 

Steven/Noah: Nein!

*laughter*

Jorja/Magnolia: Nein. In that case, I’m just gonna shimmy around so I’m not in the red zone of the axes that I realised I was still in. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I was about to ask about that. 

Jorja/Magnolia: I’m just going to, *noises like bouncing*, and just go around.

Steven/Noah: Where are you moving to?

Jorja/Magnolia: Just above you. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And that’s your go Magnolia?

Jorja/Magnolia: Yes. I’m just still screaming.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The axe guy… The axes guy’s going to Timmit.

Olive/Timmit: Come on! Bring it!

Steven/Noah: Wizard, wizard, don’t say such things. 

Olive/Timmit: Let’s go. You can’t hit me, I’m too fast. 

*dice rolls*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Na, I rolled a five. 

Steven/Noah: Oh! *laughter*

Olive/Timmit: I just do a semi-little like, drop to the floor on my back as the axe swings over it, and then straight back up.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: This is some Matrix shit.

Jorja/Magnolia: You do a death drop!

Rosie/Lucille: That’s what I thought too!

Steven/Noah: Sha-blam! Alright-

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Lucille.

Rosie/Lucille: Hello.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Hello. It’s you again, you’re up.

Rosie/Lucille: Is anyone within five feet of the shield guy? 

Steven/Noah: Yeah, pretty much me and Magnolia.

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah.

Rosie/Lucille: Nice. I’m going to do an attack on the shield guy with my shortbow. I’m going to do it as a sneak attack because someone’s within five feet.

*dice rolls*

Rosie/Lucille: Eleven.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: An eleven will not hit the shield guy.

Rosie/Lucille: That’s so sad. Ugh!.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It just sort of flies on between Magnolia and the shield guy. 

Rosie/Lucille: Okay, Lucille’s just going to load up another arrow ready to go. Ready to shoot it at the same guy. Prepping,

Olive/Timmit: I’ll just look across and see you, and can I just use a reaction to say, “Lucille get out of the way!”

Rosie/Lucille: Of what?

Olive/Timmit: The massive warhammer right beside you?

Rosie/Lucille: Is it next to me?

Olive/Timmit: Yeah.

Rosie/Lucille: Oh.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Sure is.

Rosie/Lucille: Didn’t notice that. Oh! She’s not notices. She’s really focused on the other thing, so she’s going to just-

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I’m pretty sure it hit you last time. I think you would have noticed.

Rosie/Lucille: No, but it went into the corner away from me, didn’t it?

Steven/Noah: No, that was the bowman. 

Rosie/Lucille: Oh.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The warhammer was the guy that you made reroll at disadvantage and it still hit you. 

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah, that one.

Steven/Noah: The warhammer was the one with the shiny gem, where you were like, ‘Oh Lucille wants that.’

Rosie/Lucille: Oh Lucille’s got plans for it. It’s in the back of her head. 

Steven/Noah: Okay. The axe will be in the back of her head in a second. 

*laughter*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Alright, moving to the warhammer guy. Yeah, he’s going to fucking swing at you.

Steven/Noah: Hecketh.

Jorja/Magnolia: Ruh-roh raggy. 

*dice rolls*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: With a seventeen. 

Rosie/Lucille: Oh Lucille’s not having a good day! Well actually, I guess I could make you do that thing again hey? ‘Cause otherwise I might die. Yeah, I’m going to do Silvery Barbs again. Reroll please.

*dice rolls*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, that’s better. It’s an eleven. 

Rosie/Lucille: Yes! You miss. Now this time, I’m going to have myself have advantage because I’m missing everything.

Olive/Timmit: And plus if you hit anything when you’re rolling with advantage you get sneak attack damage.

Rosie/Lucille: Oh true! I forgot about that. Oh that’s a good little combo. Oh that’s right, I thought about that when I got that.

Tyrone/Astrotheran: It seems that the fae have learned how to use their magic in combat finally.

Olive/Timmit: Good job Lucille!

Rosie/Lucille: What!?

Steven/Noah: Speak up, I can’t hear ya! 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It does bring that to Timmit’s go. 

Olive/Timmit: Wonderful. Well with my now fifty feet of movement because I have Longstrider, and dancing blades allows me to move another ten feet, I’m going to look up at this giant axes trying to swing at me, and just *click click*, “See you later!”, and run straight towards Lucille, and as I get over there I’ll just kinda hole up and go, “This is really scary. Uh, do you want your bow or do you want your cane? Which one?”

Rosie/Lucille: I want both young chap.

Olive/Timmit: Yeah, but which one’s better?

Rosie/Lucille: Both? Both? Cane! Cane! I love my cane. 

Olive/Timmit: I will, with the gavel, just kind of swing down and go for a strike and it will hit the cane, but as it does this kind of yellow-pink-esque energy will emit from the cane and it is now considered a magic weapon.

Rosie/Lucille: What!? Ooo, that’s kind of really cool. I thought this was bad. Yay! Thanks.

Olive/Timmit: So, it now has a plus one bonus to all attack rolls and damage rolls.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Fuck yes.

Rosie/Lucille: Oh my gosh, amazing. 

Olive/Timmit: Yes. And then as a bonus action- You’re looking pretty rough aren’t you? 

Rosie/Lucille:  Yeah.

Olive/Timmit: Yeah, as a bonus action, I’ll just give Lucille a pat on the back and go, “No worries, anytime”, and will imbue 2d4 plus two healing into you. With my little band that I got.

*dice rolls*

Olive/Timmit: You get six hit points back. 

Rosie/Lucille:  Oh I’m nearly full again! Like with hit points. 

Olive/Timmit: And that will probably be my turn because I probably needed all my movement just to get there from where I was. 

Rosie/Lucille:  Can Lucille, as a reaction, just put her hand on his shoulder, look deep into his eyes and just do a knowing nod, and then turn away into battle.

Olive/Timmit: The nod is reciprocated as Timmit’s face goes, “Yeah! Yeah! Let’s do this!”

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah!

Steven/Noah: I thought he’d be bright red after finally being noticed.

Olive/Timmit: Timmit is always blushing. He’s always red.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You get this little pat on the back, and the rose inside the ring sort of wilts away as the healing power within it is used up. Moving onto bowman, the bow is going to shoot at Timmit now that he’s moved into range.

*dice rolls*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That’s just a thirteen. Does that hit you?

Olive/Timmit: That misses.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’ve got extra AC thanks to your bladesong.

Olive/Timmit: Just looks over at the bowman and sees it aiming up at him, and I’ll just stay very still, and then *taunting* kind of do a duke and I go left, go right.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Do a little fake out.

Olive/Timmit: Oh yeah.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: These guys are not hitting very well today. I’m not happy about that. 

Steven/Noah: Honey Boo Boo is dead! What more do you need to accomplish?

Olive/Timmit: He’s coming after them all.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Angery. Noah, it’s your go.

Steven/Noah: I think I’m going to go for the… Has anyone hit the shield person yet? 

Olive/Timmit: I haven’t.

Rosie/Lucille: I tried to. 

Steven/Noah: Oh wait, he’s the one that killed Honey Boo Boo. Right, vengeance. I’m going to attack the shield guy.

Try him! He’s got a shield. I keep saying ‘he’, it’s definitely a lady. 

Steven/Noah: Yeah, we keep saying men but I’m pretty sure they’re all statues of Isis. 

*dice rolls*

Steven/Noah: Sixteen.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That does hit. How are you attacking it? With the lightning sword?

Steven/Noah: Yeah.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay. 

Steven/Noah: It’s my weapon of choice.

*dice rolls*

Steven/Noah: Six slashing damage and two lightning damage.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Shield’s not looking too good. You’ve put quite a few nicks in the shield.

Steven/Noah: Skittles it’s weak! Attack! Get him!

*dice rolls*

Steven/Noah: Eighteen?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Eighteen will hit the shield guy.

*dice rolls*

Steven/Noah: Seven damage. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Skittles has taken down another enemy. Skittles has the taste for blood. 

Steven/Noah: Skittles is a beast. Again, he’s gonna *neigh* and rears up and smacks that shield down. Disintegrate all over the floor.

*Skittles beeps*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Is that the end of your turn? 

Steven/Noah: Sí.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That brings it to Magnolia.

Jorja/Magnolia: Okay, umm. Axe lady! I’m going to go over to axe lady and attack. 

Olive/Timmit: Axe man!

Steven/Noah: And my axe.

*dice rolls*

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah! Twenty to hit.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah. Yeah, that’ll hit. 

Jorja/Magnolia: *battle cry* 

*dice rolls*

Jorja/Magnolia: Uh, okay. It is ten piercing and four radiant. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Girl, you didn;t need that radiant. How would you like to destroy another statue?

Jorja/Magnolia: Ooo okay. After seeing Skittles pushing over the shield man - lady - I’m just going to walk through her ashes, run up to the axe one, like both hands on the morningstar over the top of my head and just crack all the way down, and just split it in two, and then both halves just *smash*. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And you see the radiant energy coming down the cracks of the statue as it comes down.

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah! Just, *battle cry*. Run back to Noah. I just, *battle cry*.

Steven/Noah: Can I, as a reaction, give her a high-five? 

Jorja/Magnolia: Yes! I do it too hard. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oww, that actually hurt. 

Steven/Noah: Noah sort of shakes it off. He’s fine. 

Jorja/Magnolia: That is all I can do. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You guys keep killing them in the turn order, so that brings it down to Lucille now. 

Rosie/Lucille: Ooo. So question. My thing is now magical.

Olive/Timmit: Yes, so you have a plus one to your attack bonus, so if you were rolling with plus six before it’s now plus seven, so deal one more damage than you usually would. 

Rosie/Lucille: Mmm, nice! Yay! But that’s only if I use the walking stick?

Olive/Timmit: Yes. Only on the stick, but you do have advantage on your attack roll.

Rosie/Lucille: Well in that case, I’m running towards warhammer, brandishing the cane and doing a big stab right into its head. Hopefully.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Do it.

*dice rolls*

Olive/Timmit: You get to roll again.

Rosie/Lucille: Good. That was a two. 

*dice rolls*

Rosie/Lucille: Nat twenty!

Jorja/Magnolia: Oh fuck! It’s dead.

*laughter*

Rosie/Lucille: It was the dice! 

Jorja/Magnolia: So you double all dice. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That’s a lot of damage.

*dice rolls* 

Jorja/Magnolia: Eighteen, so nineteen. 

Olive/Timmit: Nineteen damage,

Rosie/Lucille: I think I killed it! Yes! First time Lucille’s hit anything. 

Think again bitch.

Rosie/Lucille: What!? My gosh.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You have dealt a lot of damage to the warhammer lady. She is still standing.

Jorja/Magnolia: She’s carrying a warhammer, she’s built as fuck. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That was a big hit. Was there anything else to your turn Lucille?

Rosie/Lucille: Except for doing a massive war cry. Lucille’s gonna go, *battle cry*, and kind of look around excitedly. 

Steven/Noah: I’m really sad it wasn’t like a *baa*

Rosie/Lucille: Oh it should have been! Oh! Why didn’t I think of that? 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Alright. Coming around to the warhammer’s turn. You’re going to first hear her say:

Tyrone/Astrotheran: You are clearly a distinguished warrior from the fae. I congratulate you on your progress so far. 

Rosie/Lucille: That’s me.

Olive/Timmit: You’re doing good Lucille, just watch out!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The warhammer lady is going to activate the arrows on either side of the room, as her turn.

Jorja/Magnolia: I’ll protect you. I’m standing to one side of Noah, so I’m like, *panic noises* “I’ll catch them!”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Everybody roll me a dexterity saving throw please.

Steven/Noah: Do I use my dexterity saving throw? Or do I use that of Skittles? 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I imagine Skittles.

*dice rolls*

Steven/Noah: Twenty.

Rosie/Lucille: Seventeen.

Olive/Timmit: Eighteen. 

Jorja/Magnolia: I rolled a sixteen, but I’m going to add a d4 to it with my reaction.

*dice rolls*

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah! Twenty. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Fuck me I guess. 

Rosie/Lucille: We’re just too good. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, the arrows fly throughout the entire room, hitting both the bow lady and the warhammer lady.

Rosie/Lucille: What a dum dum.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And apparently hitting nobody else in the room.

Rosie/Lucille: It’s the character armour. The plot armour. We did it!

Olive/Timmit: Is warhammer still standing?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: She’s not looking good but she’s still standing. 

Steven/Noah: Just an arrow in her face, just, ‘Yeah, I’m all good.’

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Moving along to Timmit.

Olive/Timmit: So, seeing the warhammer having been struck down by Lucille and arrows flying everywhere, he’s going to turn on his heel and go towards the corner where the bow woman was, and he’s just going to get right in five feet range with her. He’s going to take the gavel, and I’m going to Produce Flame in my hand, and I’m going to shoot it over to the warhammer, and see if I can hit it?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So you run up to the bow, but hit the warhammer? 

Olive/Timmit: Yes.

*dice rolls* 

Olive/Timmit: That’s a twenty-two to hit. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, that’ll hit.

*dice rolls*

Olive/Timmit: Ugh! Two damage. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You see the fire get fairly absorbed by the stone. Sort of doesn’t seem to bother it too much.

Rosie/Lucille: Oh no. 

Steven/Noah: She’s a rock, ground type!

*laughter*

Olive/Timmit: As my bonus action, right up in front of this bow woman, I’m not even going to look at her, I’m looking across the room and I’ll see Margaret standing on the other side because I still have Unseen Servant up, and with my bonus action I’ll just telepathically send a message to Margaret through my mind. I’ll just say, “Margaret, you’re doing a fantastic job sweetie, but if you could roam around the room and if anyone drops anything, if you could just pick that up, you’d be a doll. Thank you so much.”

Tyrone/Margaret: Where are you!? Oh I see this little ruby over here. I’ll pick this up for you. 

Olive/Timmit: And so Margaret will use fifteen feet of movement on their turn to complete that action, and then that’s me. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Moving to the bow lady. Bow lady can’t hit you because you are right there. Bow lady, however, will hit Lucille hopefully. 

*dice rolls*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That was on a one but then rolled over to the thirteen. 

Rosie/Lucille: Doesn't hit.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: With the modifier makes it a sixteen.

Rosie/Lucille: Mine is sixteen. What does this mean?

Olive/Timmit: Equals beats.

Jorja/Magnolia:  Meets it, beats it, bitch.

Rosie/Lucille: Oh, or I could just say no again, and get you to reroll it with my last spell slot. Which I think I will. 

*dice rolls*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, it’s still a sixteen.

Rosie/Lucille: Wait what? Why?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Because I rolled a higher number. 

Rosie/Lucille: That;s really sad. Alright, I’ll get got. 

*dice rolls*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s only two damage - the bow.

Jorja/Magnolia: You still get to give advantage to someone.

Rosie/Lucille: Oh nice. No, Lucille’s going to give advantage to Timmit this time. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Lucille coughs, and coughs again in the direction of Timmit. Back to the top of the round. Noah, are you ready for your third kill?

Steven/Noah: I haven’t killed anyone. I don’t know what you’re talking about. Although, three people are dead. 

Rosie/Lucille: They’re slayed.

Steven/Noah: You just got slayed. Yeah, Skittles is going to run right up to that warhammer lady. She looks pretty fuck-upable. Yeah, I’m going to try hit her again because that’s what I’m really good at.

*dice rolls*

Steven/Noah: A dirty twenty baby.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah. that will hit. You got this…you got this. 

*dice rolls*

Steven/Noah: That’s two lightning damage, and then seven slashing damage. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: How would you like to down a warhammer lady?

Steven/Noah: My first kill! Oh my god. 

Rosie/Lucille: Woo!

Steven/Noah: I think I’m just going to stab her right in the chest, and then as I withdraw the sword she’s going to fall down and crumble.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And as she crumbles, you hear the room rumble as the walls start coming in and you see the sand from each of the corpses start moving around the room, as I’m going to run up and change the map for you guys, one second. 

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[music]

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, what happens is that the moment that the warhammer one falls away- Sorry, the bow one also falls away too and joins the sand in the ground. Is that from the sand that starts swirling around on the ground and three more statues pop up that are twice the size of the last ones. This one we have we have one over by where you entered that has a crossbow. One over by Timmit, who has been pushed by the walls further in as the room has halved in size. She’s holding a mace, and there’s one in the opposite corner of the room. She’s holding a sword and a shield. 

Olive/Timmit: Do we need to roll new initiative?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I’ve rolled new initiatives for them, and so next up is Magnolia. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Okay, I’m going to turn around and just beat on the one with the crossbow.

*dice rolls*

Jorja/Magnolia: That is a twenty-one to hit.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Twenty-one will hit. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Thank god, because if it didn’t I would be stressed. 

*dice rolls*

Jorja/Magnolia: Ten piercing damage and two radiant.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Wonderful. You’ve done a good amount of damage to this crossbow lady. She’s still standing however. 

Rosie/Lucille: Woo!

Jorja/Magnolia: Okay, she is holding a crossbow, so I’m just going to stand right next to her. Yeah, no I’ll just stay right where I am.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Moving down the running order to Lucille.

Rosie/Lucille: I’m going to go to the mace one and do an attack as well with my walking stick.

Olive/Timmit: Are we including flanking in this game?

Rosie/Lucille: What’s that?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, that’s…

Olive/Timmit: When you and an ally are standing on opposing sides of an enemy, you have advantage on attack rolls against it.

Rosie/Lucille: Oh really?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So that would include sneak attack for you if you hit. 

Rosie/Lucille: Guess I better hit then.

*dice rolls*

Rosie/Lucille: Thirteen.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I’m afraid that misses, Lucille, as you sort of scrape against the statue’s exterior. 

Rosie/Lucille: Why!? She’s going to kind of really defeatedly go, “Van Goat, why!?” Very disappointed in herself.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That moves down the list to the crossbow. The crossbow is… Let’s shoot Noah. Why not? I can see him right down the middle there.

Jorja/Magnolia: It’s just a disadvantage.

Olive/Timmit: Is that right?

Jorja/Magnolia: If you shoot a ranged weapon and there is someone within five feet of you, it’s disadvantage.

Steven/Noah: You can’t hit the tiny gnome, there is a giant rabbit in your way. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Fuck it then, I’ll shoot Magnolia.

Jorja/Magnolia: I’m just jumping around. Hit me bitch!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s going to shoot either way, so I’m just going to shoot at you instead. 

Jorja/Magnolia: I’ll catch it in my hand and throw it away. 

Olive/Timmit He’s coming for you!

*dice rolls*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That is a thirteen.

Jorja/Magnolia: Miss. 

All: Ahh!

*battle cry* Don’t go for Noah!

Steven/Noah: I’m just a little guy!

Jorja/Magnolia: He’s just a little guy!

Olive/Timmit:  Not my sweet little boy!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You notice the crossbow that you deflect away- You notice little mini lances that are shooting out instead of arrows.

Jorja/Magnolia: That’s fucking badass.

Olive/Timmit:  Don’t want none of that thank you. I’m good.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That moves it over to the lady with the sword and the shield. She’s gonna glide on over to Noah, and attempt to slash.

Steven/Noah: Ahh!

*dice rolls*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That’s a twenty-one to hit. 

Steven/Noah: Was that at disadvantage?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Because of Skittles?

Steven/Noah: Yeah. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Fuck Skittles!

*laughter*

Jorja/Magnolia: Skittles is so good. 

*dice rolls*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The second was a natural one. Natural one always, I let the enemies hit themselves, so…

Steven/Noah: So, Noah’s gonna rear up. *neighs* and then knock her.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: As she gets freaked out by the horse and the sword keeps swinging past and then ends up swinging herself. 

Rosie/Lucille: Ooo.

*dice rolls*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: She just rolled a thirteen, which has just ended her immediately. She turns to dust. 

*laughter*

Jorja/Magnolia: She’s so embarrassed she seppukus 

Steven/Noah: Seppuku! I can’t kill Noah. It’s over! Skittles just deflected her and she died!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That brings it down to Timmit.

Olive/Timmit: Ooo! 

Steven/Noah: He’s gonna wipe a bit of away from one of his racing stripes that he painted on earlier. Like, ‘Remind me to touch that up later’. 

Olive/Timmit: How far away is the crossbow from me?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: From you? Thirty. Yeah. You’d have to move out of range of the mace, but yeah.

Olive/Timmit: Awesome. I am going to…. I’ll just move around the mace to the point where I’m in range of thirty feet of the crossbow, and I will produce another flame, and I will hurl another flame towards them.

*dice rolls*

Olive/Timmit: That’s a flat nineteen to hit them plus seven. Twenty-six. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah that’ll hit. Fuck.

*dice rolls*

Olive/Timmit:  Eight points of fire damage. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: She’s still doing alright. Yeah, you notice again that the fire deflects away a little bit.

Olive/Timmit: It’s all I’ve got baby. And that’s me. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Brings it to the mace. The mace is going to actually activate the arrows again. Everyone roll a dex save.

Rosie/Lucille: Aww.

Jorja/Magnolia: There’s too many elements to this. I’m scared. 

*dice rolls*

Steven/Noah: Dirty twenty.

Jorja/Magnolia: Dirty twenty.

Olive/Timmit: I got an eighteen again. 

Rosie/Lucille: Twenty-one.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Fuck you guys.

*laughter*

Rosie/Lucille: We’re all so good at this!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: This fight’s not going well for me.

*dice rolls*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: They all take four damage from the arrows. 

*laughter*

Steven/Noah: They’re not very dexterous. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: No, they’re all strength, no dex. 

Steven/Noah: Just build yourself a little robot.

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah. Build yourself a god.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Speaking of little gods, it’s your turn Noah.

Steven/Noah: Aww me? Just little old me? Is there enough room for me to just run around the mace? Kind of where Timmit was standing? 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah.

Steven/Noah: So now we have it surrounded on all sides, which gives me advantage right?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It does. Are you gonna attack at advantage?

Steven/Noah: Yep.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Fucking do it. 

*dice rolls*

Steven/Noah: Does a twenty-four hit?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes.

Steven/Noah: Yay!

*dice rolls*

Steven/Noah: Two lightning, no four lightning, and six slashing.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: How would you like to kill another woman?

Steven/Noah: Slay. I will… I’m going to stand up on Skittles so that I get a bit of height to me, and I’m going to decapitate this bitch. Just straight across. Head off. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: He’s just a little guy.

Steven/Noah: Yeah, well I’ve gotta stand up, like on my tippy-toes. It’s hard. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, you fucking decapitate this woman, and see that the sand disappears into the floor once more. 

Steven/Noah: Including the crossbow? 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The crossbow statue is still there yeah. 

Steven/Noah: I was going to say, I can’t really do much now. Let’s instruct Beeyonce. Let’s get her to help Magnolia by acting as a distraction. Like a little fly in the way.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, that’s giving Magnolia advantage on attacks?

Steven/Noah: Advantage, yeah.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Sure, which is great because it is Magnolia’s turn. 

Jorja/Magnolia: *battle cry* Okay, I’m going to hit it.

*dice rolls*

Jorja/Magnolia: A nineteen will hit. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, a nineteen will hit.

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah! Does it look particularly damaged?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, I’d say it looks bloodied, if it had blood. It looks pretty cracked.

Steven/Noah: Got some quicksand leaking out. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Okay, I do:

*dice rolls*

Jorja/Magnolia: Six piercing and three radiant, but I am going to pump a Divine Smite into it because I’m mad. With my last spell slot. 

*dice rolls*

Jorja/Magnolia: So that’s an extra eight radiant. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: How would you like to kill this one?

Jorja/Magnolia: Yes! I just like, “Ooo, what’s that?” And Beeyonce flies past, and I just hold…

Steven/Noah: She’s just, ‘Woah oh oh, woah oh oh’ [in the style of Single Ladies by Beyonce].

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah! And I just hold my morningstar and just, “ The power of Beeyonce is with me”, and I’m just going to crack it down again, and then just it just explodes in light. 

Steven/Noah: Slay.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Jesus. Yeah, you attack it down, and you see the cracks come through and light coming through from within, and she sort of shatters to different points around the room. Before, the sand starts swirling around the floor once more, and the walls start coming in again, and a new form comes up. This lady does come back with four arms, and shes got a shield on one side, and a double-ended mace in another hand she’s got spiked glove in the other hands. So the room you’re standing in now is thirty feet by forty feet- Sorry, from the entrance wall is forty feet long and then the longer wall is thirty feet. And she takes up a twenty foot square of that. 

Steven/Noah:  She thick. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: She big. The Astrotheran will say:

tyrone/Astrotheran: You are definitely commendable warriors. Face my final form to claim your prize. 

[music]

Olive/Timmit: Just this one to go guys. Holy shit, this thing is huge!

Jorja/Magnolia: I’m indestructible!

Steven/Noah: Fucking try me!

Rosie/Lucille: This is just like a fun game really! Lucille’s having a great time. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Looking to Magnolia…

Jorja/Magnolia: I regret my choices. I’m glad I’m hiding in the corner. 

Steven/Noah: I’m hiding in the corner behind Lucille and Timmit.

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah, you’re in the perfect spot.

Rosie/Lucille: This is the most adrenaline she’s had in years.

Jorja/Magnolia: If I know anything about any sort of magical, fantasy thing… Cut her ankles. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And so, she’s going to lift up her double-ended mace and swing it at Magnolia.

Jorja/Magnolia: Mace fight.

*dice rolls*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That is a fourteen.

Jorja/Magnolia: Miss!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: She’s now going to use her second attack to hopefully come down with the other end of the mace.

*dice rolls*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That’s better. That’s a twenty-two.

Jorja/Magnolia: Okay, yeah, that hits.

*dice rolls*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That is… How much HP have you got?

Jorja/Magnolia: So much.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Because it’s seventeen points of damage. 

Jorja/Magnolia: *battle cry*

*laughter*

Jorja/Magnolia: Do it again!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Is she going to multi-class into barbarian at this point?

Jorja/Magnolia: Who knows?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Well that’s her turn, since she used both attacks. Brings it down to Lucille.

Rosie/Lucille: Oh it’s me. So, people are within five feet of this thingy right?

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah. 

Rosie/Lucille: Neat. That means that I can use my sneak attack. Alright, I’m going to do another attack with my walking stick, and this one’s going to hit like real hard. 

*dice rolls*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: A fourteen does miss.

Rosie/Lucille: So sad. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That was with advantage?

Rosie/Lucille: Na, no advantage. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Don’t you get advantage because everyone’s flanking?

Rosie/Lucille: Oh, yeah sure. I’m doing that.

*dice rolls*

Rosie/Lucille: Sixteen?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master:Nope.

Rosie/Lucille: Ah! Ooo, that’s not fun!

Steven/Noah: That’s spicy!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, it just slides off.

Rosie/Lucille: That’s all. Cool. Nice.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Timmit, you’re up.

Olive/Timmit: Wonderful. I’m going to see it taking up a huge portion of the room and it's just cracked down on Magnolia who;’s just screaming in the corner. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Yep.

Olive/Timmit: So, Timmit’s going to see it and go, “Woah! Woah, hey no! Stop it!” And is just going to slam the gavel into the ground, and an eruption of grease is just going to splash across the floor underneath it’s feet, and it needs to make a dexterity saving throw.

Steven/Noah: Knock that bitch over.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Is it going to be knocked prone?

Olive/Timmit: Indeed.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: She has advantage on saving throws against being knocked prone. 

*dice rolls*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Eighteen.

Olive/Timmit: Fuck. She saves. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Just light her on fire next.

Olive/Timmit: Who knows? And with my bonus action I’ll telepathically tell Maragaret to get… I’ll send a message over. Just, ‘Maragaret, honey. It’s time to leave. We need to go. Please. Leave. Go. Run. And that’s it. That will be my turn. 

Tyrone/Margaret: Yeah, Timothy honey, there’s now windows. There’s no doors. I don’t know how we’re going to get out. I do have that ruby though. 

Olive/Timmit: Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. That’s all.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Noah.

Steven/Noah: Hey. Alright. Yeah. Fuck it. I’m still stroke-ified. So, I’m going to run around to the east side of her.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The side not shielded. Nice.

Steven/Noah: Correct, and I’m going to hit her with my sword, and I do believe it’s with advantage. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Do be. 

*dice rolls*

Steven/Noah: Dirty twenty.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Dirty twenty will hit.

Steven/Noah: Excellent. I don’t know why we’re Southern all of a sudden.

Rosie/Lucille: Excellent. 

Olive/Timmit: Excellent. 

*dice rolls*

Steven/Noah: It’ll be four lightning and eleven slashing.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That’s a good hit.

Steven/Noah: Yes! I can just see Magnolia screaming and I start copying her. *battle cry* 

*laughter*

Jorja/Magnolia: I’ll look over to Noah and just, *battle cry*

Steven/Noah: *battle cry*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Again, the lightning doesn’t travel far through this creature, but you did a pretty good hit. You did a pretty good hit. It’s taken a notch into its side.

Steven/Noah: Sweet, and I hope its pride is wounded. And then, I’m going to tell Skittles to give her a whack as well, because why not.

*dice rolls*  

Steven/Noah: And he also got a dirty twenty.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Roll for damage. This might even kill it.

Steven/Noah: He’s pretty powerful.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: If Skittles got the kill over anyone else, it’d be hilarious.

Steven/Noah: Skittles get to level up. Noone else does. 

*dice rolls*

Steven/Noah: So it’s six. Six force damage. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Ooo, it’s not looking fucking good. She’s barely holding on but she’s there. 

Steven/Noah: *neighs*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s going to get up on its hind legs and just kick. She keeps her footing. Magnolia.

Jorja/Magnolia:  *battle cry* if I go to the side that’s shielded, I can still flank right? Yeah, because Lucille is at that top. Okay, I’m going to be on the non-shielded side. 

Steven/Noah: You’ve also got Honey Boo Boo being like, ‘Woah oh oh oh, woah oh oh oh’ [in the style of Single Ladies by Beyonce]

Jorja/Magnolia:  How could I forget?

Steven/Noah: She’s still helping you. 

Jorja/Magnolia:  She’s so good.

*dice rolls*

Jorja/Magnolia:  That is nineteen to hit. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: A nineteen will hit.

*dice rolls*

Jorja/Magnolia:  Eleven piercing and two radiant.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You see this hit collide with the radiant damage intact, and she sort of drops to one knee from the force of it, and you hear her say:

Tyrone/Astrotheran: You have won. I submit. Claim your prize.

Jorja/Magnolia:  *battle cry*

Olive/Timmit: We all hear that?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Just Timmit.

Olive/Timmit: I think we won.

Jorja/Magnolia:  *battle cry*

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah, take that! 

Jorja/Magnolia: I’m like inches away from hitting her again. 

Olive/Timmit: Woah, woah woah, it’s alright! Calm down. There there there. It’s alright. She surrendered. It’s over. We won. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You see her slowly see her hold out one of the gloves, and embedded in the glove is a little marble. 

Jorja/Magnolia: I’ll go over and grab it, or I’ll just… Do I want to grab it? I’m just going to stand there and scream.

Steven/Noah: I’m also going to stand there and scream. It’s quite infectious.

Tyrone/Astrotheran: Go on flame haired man. Take it.

Olive/Timmit: I’ll walk up and just, “Thank you. It was an honour battling with you, and I very much appreciate this prize”, and I’ll reach out and I’ll take the stone in my hands. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And as you do so the floor begins to glow in the same familiar light that you remember from the Astroneptis, and the rest of her body fades away with the light. Maybe a more familiar reference, her body sort of gets Endgamed where she slowly starts turning into ash as she gets snapped away, and you’ll all hear:

Tyrone/Astrotheran:  You all fought bravely. You have my respect, and here in compensation. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And everyone gains the benefits of a long rest, which most importantly includes Noah getting his level of exhaustion taken away. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Yay!

Rosie/Lucille: Nice. 

Steven/Noah: He’s going to feel refreshed and be like, “What the- Where are we? What is that? Why am I blue!?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And then you feel the pyramid start to rumble as bits of rubble start falling from the ceiling.

Olive/Timmit: Okay, time to go! Time to go! Let’s go! Let’s go! Let’s go!

Theme Song: *rock music plays*

Finding home in the belly of the beast, to make it home we can’t accept defeat, so roll the dice and come along with me, finding home in the belly of the beast

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Thank you so much for listening to Portal Quandary. Portal Quandary is made possible by the following people: Myself, Tyrone Cross as Dungeon Master, Community Manager, and Editor, Steven Edwards as Noah, Olive Jerome as Timothy and the Editing Assistant, Rosemary Ochtman as Lucille, and Jorja Odd as Magnolia. Elias Moffat is our Content Producer and Narrative Consultant, and Chanelle Hayden is our transcriber. Our theme song is Belly of the Beast by Lily Harnath and Henry Lucas, and if you need to contact us you can do so at portalquandary@gmail.com. We’re also on the lookout for someone to join our team as a Community Manager, so if that sounds like you, shoot us a DM or an email. We’re also on a bunch of social media including Instagram, Facebook, TikTok, Threads, and our newly launched Patreon. So if you’re interested in any of those please head over to them. They’re all @PortalQuandary. That’s Q-U-A-N-D-A-R-Y. And this podcast was recorded on the lands of the Wurundjeri people, and produced on the lands of the Awabakal, and Wurundjeri people. Portal Quandary acknowledges and pays respect to our traditional custodians and to their past and present leaders. 

Theme Song: *rock music continues* 

Finding home in the belly of the beast, (in the belly of the beast), to make it home we can’t accept defeat, (there’s no turning back) so roll the dice and come along with me, (come along with me, let’s go), finding home in the belly of the beast.

Steven/Noah: Didn’t you get shot?

Rosie/Lucille: Did I? Did I get shot? Am I hurt?

Olive/Timmit: You did get shot. I think the axe missed you but you did get hit by one of the arrows.

Steven/Noah: Lucilles just on the ground like, ‘Did I just get shot?’

*laughter*

Olive/Timmit: Yeah, because your last comment was, ‘Ah guys! I’ve been shot!’

Rosie/Lucille: Oh that’s right! Oh, I guess I’m a bit sore then, hey?

Steven/Noah: My first medical illness ever!

Rosie/Lucille: This isn’t an illness. This is just an arrow that’s in me. 

Steven/Noah: ‘Tis but a flesh wound.

Olive/Timmit: Nothing dissimilar about it whatsoever.

Rosie/Lucille: It just happens to be existing there and not outside of there right now. Boat man? 

Jorja/Magnolia: Bow.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The lady wielding the bow.

Steven/Noah: No, the one wielding a boat. 

Rosie/Lucille: I was just imagining a sailor in one of those blue and white striped outfits, like, ‘Ahoy!’

Jorja/Magnolia: He just pops in.

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah.

Steven/Noah: Popeye smashes some spinach.

Rosie/Lucille: Mace is just kind of like a name too, you know? Like Mason. You can call them Mace.

Jorja/Magnolia: I thought of Mace Windu. 

Rosie/Lucille: I don’t know who that is. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Star Wars. 

Olive/Timmit: It’s the eight limbed, crossbow, sword, shield, wielding…. Oh shit!

Jorja/Magnolia: He ran out of hands! He has to wear his shield as a hat!

*laughter*

Rosie/Lucille: Are the gloves like a fashion statement or?